Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
My Mom cares for my Dad, but financials are very hard on her, can she get help?
They aren't alone. Many people have struggled for years with these costs and are left at your parents' age with little to show for... They aren't alone. Many people have struggled for years with these costs and are left at your parents' age with little to show for their work. Do see if Medicaid can help.
We'd love to hear back if you do (or don't) get some assistance.
Carol see more
We'd love to hear back if you do (or don't) get some assistance.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom cares for my Dad, but financials are very hard on her, can she get help?
It's possible that they may be eligible for Medicaid. If they have few assets you may want to gather together their financial... It's possible that they may be eligible for Medicaid. If they have few assets you may want to gather together their financial information and their medical information and then call your local office. If they quality for help with medical bills they may not have such a hard time buying food and other necessities.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
We took away my 85-year-old mother's car keys and she is no longer speaking to me. What should I do?
I agree with JaneB. Tell her that you will be happy to take her to the DMV to take another driving test. You may want to ask her doctor to... I agree with JaneB. Tell her that you will be happy to take her to the DMV to take another driving test. You may want to ask her doctor to give you a written order for her not to drive if he or she is willing.
Fitzgerald, that is horrendous! I don't know where you live but I'd think someone would look into this. It's good to be "nice" to elderly people who are experiencing so many losses but it's quite another to renew a license when they fail the test.
You should be able to report this to someone in your state, I'd think. Good luck.
Carol see more
Fitzgerald, that is horrendous! I don't know where you live but I'd think someone would look into this. It's good to be "nice" to elderly people who are experiencing so many losses but it's quite another to renew a license when they fail the test.
You should be able to report this to someone in your state, I'd think. Good luck.
Carol see more
Question
How to bring up the delicate topic leaving me the house in her will.
Has she forgotten that she said she wanted you to have the house? If there's dementia present, she may have said she wanted you to have... Has she forgotten that she said she wanted you to have the house? If there's dementia present, she may have said she wanted you to have it when during a clear time and then gotten paranoid about it afterward.
Is there no one else to contest your ownership of the home such as children (hers)?
You aren't wrong to want this taken care of with documentation since this is about your own future. I'm not sure how you can move forward except to continue to reassure her that you can take care of things and would love to continue living there. Let her know that if she wants you to have the house the transfer must be done legally.
Perhaps, over time, she'll get back to the frame of mind where she wants you to have it and then you can get papers signed.
We're wishing you the best. Please check in with us so that we know if you've made progress.
Carol see more
Is there no one else to contest your ownership of the home such as children (hers)?
You aren't wrong to want this taken care of with documentation since this is about your own future. I'm not sure how you can move forward except to continue to reassure her that you can take care of things and would love to continue living there. Let her know that if she wants you to have the house the transfer must be done legally.
Perhaps, over time, she'll get back to the frame of mind where she wants you to have it and then you can get papers signed.
We're wishing you the best. Please check in with us so that we know if you've made progress.
Carol see more
Question
Any suggestions on how to cope with a mother who makes constant verbal sounds?
Hi ahumbleRN, It certainly sounds as if dementia is part of the issue. From my non-medical view, it seems likely that it's a form other... Hi ahumbleRN,
It certainly sounds as if dementia is part of the issue. From my non-medical view, it seems likely that it's a form other than the most common Alzheimer's - either that or your mom is presenting issues differently, which is possible.
I'm so glad that you are taking her to a neurologist. If this doctor has no suggestions for ways to help your mom (and you), you may want to seek a second opinion. Personality changes are more common with some types of dementia than others. Medications can't bring your mom back like she was but we can hope that something will help control the symptoms.
Please keep coming back to read comments from others who've been in your shoes, as well as to tell us how you are doing.
Carol see more
It certainly sounds as if dementia is part of the issue. From my non-medical view, it seems likely that it's a form other than the most common Alzheimer's - either that or your mom is presenting issues differently, which is possible.
I'm so glad that you are taking her to a neurologist. If this doctor has no suggestions for ways to help your mom (and you), you may want to seek a second opinion. Personality changes are more common with some types of dementia than others. Medications can't bring your mom back like she was but we can hope that something will help control the symptoms.
Please keep coming back to read comments from others who've been in your shoes, as well as to tell us how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom has declined over the past year living with me. What is the next step?
Please understand that you aren't waving the white flag when you choose nursing home care for someone like your mother. You should both... Please understand that you aren't waving the white flag when you choose nursing home care for someone like your mother. You should both be better off once she is settled. You can still be part of the care team. You will be her advocate and spend time with her. However, you can get back to your life while your mom has the care she needs.
I'm aware that I live in an area with outstanding nursing homes so that decision is easier than in some parts of the country. Still, you and your mom are not in a good situation. Look around at the nursing homes available and try to get her situated. Make friends with the staff and let them help you both.
Best to your both,
Carol see more
I'm aware that I live in an area with outstanding nursing homes so that decision is easier than in some parts of the country. Still, you and your mom are not in a good situation. Look around at the nursing homes available and try to get her situated. Make friends with the staff and let them help you both.
Best to your both,
Carol see more
Question
What should I expect for the last 6 months to a year of my Mom's brain cancer battle?
I'd strongly suggest that you call hospice right away. This is what they do - help people stay comfortable during their last months.... I'd strongly suggest that you call hospice right away. This is what they do - help people stay comfortable during their last months. Both of my parents had hospice care even though they were in a nursing home. Hospice worked seamlessly with the nursing home staff. I remain grateful to them all.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Mom has no assets. Her monthly SS and pension over-qualify her for Medicaid. Any advice?
Hi Meghart, Your last sentence is very sad. Don't forget that your mom won't go out of this world alone because she has you. It... Hi Meghart,
Your last sentence is very sad. Don't forget that your mom won't go out of this world alone because she has you. It doesn't matter who is paying the bills.
It sounds as if your mother would qualify for Medicaid since she has no assets but that may depend on the state where she lives. The money she has coming in monthly would go to pay for her care. I'm not a Medicaid specialist by any means, but it seems to me that it's time to talk with your local Medicaid office. They will guide you.
You have a wonderful heart and will be there for your mom. It's very sad that she take time to assign you, her only relative, as POA but you should be able to get this all handled. You may need an elder law attorney to help.
We are hoping for the best for you and your mom. Please check back and let us now how you are doing.
Carol see more
Your last sentence is very sad. Don't forget that your mom won't go out of this world alone because she has you. It doesn't matter who is paying the bills.
It sounds as if your mother would qualify for Medicaid since she has no assets but that may depend on the state where she lives. The money she has coming in monthly would go to pay for her care. I'm not a Medicaid specialist by any means, but it seems to me that it's time to talk with your local Medicaid office. They will guide you.
You have a wonderful heart and will be there for your mom. It's very sad that she take time to assign you, her only relative, as POA but you should be able to get this all handled. You may need an elder law attorney to help.
We are hoping for the best for you and your mom. Please check back and let us now how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How do you transition from tough love to caregiver?
The responses here are excellent and should help some. Make changes slowly, involve other people in your mother's care such as in-home... The responses here are excellent and should help some. Make changes slowly, involve other people in your mother's care such as in-home caregivers, set boundaries to protect yourself and your family, and take care of yourself. Finding the correct balance is difficult for any of us and it's different for all of us.
Daugher52 said it well when she said she had to "mother" her mother but did it in such a way as to not make her feel less than a person. It sounds to me that your mother may have had some mental illness or personality issues that made it necessary for you to be the caregiver way to early. Now you're faced with other issues too. We are with you in spirit. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Daugher52 said it well when she said she had to "mother" her mother but did it in such a way as to not make her feel less than a person. It sounds to me that your mother may have had some mental illness or personality issues that made it necessary for you to be the caregiver way to early. Now you're faced with other issues too. We are with you in spirit. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Question
How do you get anything done when 24/7 care is required?
I'm so sorry that you are living with all of these constraints along with your own disability. It's only right that your sister who... I'm so sorry that you are living with all of these constraints along with your own disability. It's only right that your sister who has POA should figure out how to give you some breaks whether she provides your mom with company or she pays for in-home care a few hours a week at the minimum.
It's terrific that you are working with hospice. I hope that they can get someone to help you, but you still need support from the family. As was already mentioned, you need to be specific and brave. Tell your family that you need someone on Tuesday for three hours so that you can run errands - or whatever makes sense to you. Be firm. If they won't help then tell them that you are looking for a group home or a hospice home for your mom and that you sister needs to be there to sign the papers.
If you get no cooperation, then try to have someone that your family respects talk with them. Other than that, I'm not sure what you can do unless you seek legal help, and that is very stressful too.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
It's terrific that you are working with hospice. I hope that they can get someone to help you, but you still need support from the family. As was already mentioned, you need to be specific and brave. Tell your family that you need someone on Tuesday for three hours so that you can run errands - or whatever makes sense to you. Be firm. If they won't help then tell them that you are looking for a group home or a hospice home for your mom and that you sister needs to be there to sign the papers.
If you get no cooperation, then try to have someone that your family respects talk with them. Other than that, I'm not sure what you can do unless you seek legal help, and that is very stressful too.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Is this normal for my Dad to make comments that contain a sexual undertone directed towards me his daughter?
Hi Purrson, Sadly, this is not at all unusual. Alzheimer's takes the person back in time and your father may think that you are your... Hi Purrson,
Sadly, this is not at all unusual. Alzheimer's takes the person back in time and your father may think that you are your mother when she was young, or some other young woman. He likely thinks he's quite young. Please try to understand that he doesn't know that he is propositioning his daughter.
As uncomfortable as this is, know that you aren't alone. You can tell him that you're his daughter but he may not understand that, so it's likely all that you can do is distract him. It is possible that his doctor may have medication that can help, so I'd talk with the doctor about this if it's happening very often.
Good luck and please come back to the site for support. There are many people in this community who have had the same experience.
Carol see more
Sadly, this is not at all unusual. Alzheimer's takes the person back in time and your father may think that you are your mother when she was young, or some other young woman. He likely thinks he's quite young. Please try to understand that he doesn't know that he is propositioning his daughter.
As uncomfortable as this is, know that you aren't alone. You can tell him that you're his daughter but he may not understand that, so it's likely all that you can do is distract him. It is possible that his doctor may have medication that can help, so I'd talk with the doctor about this if it's happening very often.
Good luck and please come back to the site for support. There are many people in this community who have had the same experience.
Carol see more
Question
What could be wrong?
If he can't feel his legs he may have a neurological problem. He also may have had a stroke. He needs to see a doctor immediately. Take... If he can't feel his legs he may have a neurological problem. He also may have had a stroke. He needs to see a doctor immediately.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My husband's Mom is dying and he does not want to see her in that state. What should he do?
You said it all, Wendala : " It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse." I agree. I hope that he will go.... You said it all, Wendala :
" It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse."
I agree. I hope that he will go.
Carol see more
" It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse."
I agree. I hope that he will go.
Carol see more
Question
Can nursing homes change a patient's medications?
I like that idea, frankly. Changing doctors at the nursing home stage can be tough on patients and caregivers. Thanks for the input!... I like that idea, frankly. Changing doctors at the nursing home stage can be tough on patients and caregivers.
Thanks for the input!
Carol see more
Thanks for the input!
Carol see more
Question
Elderly Mom living alone and has fallen for the "Grandparent" and "Medicare" scams. Any advice?
I agree that if this impulsiveness is new behavior it's time for a neurological checkup. Some types of dementia first present as poor... I agree that if this impulsiveness is new behavior it's time for a neurological checkup. Some types of dementia first present as poor decision making.
Even if she's always been this impulsive, you may be able to curtail some of her "decisions" if you can control her credit cards and bank account.
What I'm thinking is that if she's competent, she may regret her actions and understand that she needs some help with money management. If she doesn't understand the risks she took, then she needs a neurological workup.
Good luck. It's always tough to take away independence and adult children shouldn't be in too big of a hurry to do that. Still, where there are signs of cognitive deterioration, sometimes intervention is necessary.
Carol see more
Even if she's always been this impulsive, you may be able to curtail some of her "decisions" if you can control her credit cards and bank account.
What I'm thinking is that if she's competent, she may regret her actions and understand that she needs some help with money management. If she doesn't understand the risks she took, then she needs a neurological workup.
Good luck. It's always tough to take away independence and adult children shouldn't be in too big of a hurry to do that. Still, where there are signs of cognitive deterioration, sometimes intervention is necessary.
Carol see more
Question
Mom is in a nursing home, physically fit but dementia. How do I tell her she can't be alone?
Wonderful advice here, Chris. Most of the time, people with dementia want to go "home" but home is more a feeling than a place.... Wonderful advice here, Chris. Most of the time, people with dementia want to go "home" but home is more a feeling than a place. As mentioned above, it can also mean a childhood home or the home during his or her early marriage. Rarely are they cognitively in the present time frame. So, don't let guilt push you into taking her to your home.
When she asks, you can ask her to tell you about home. Sometimes, that starts a story telling mode. When she is finished (if she responds) then distract her to something she may enjoy.
You are doing well. Keep coming back. This community is full of strong, smart, caring people.
Carol see more
When she asks, you can ask her to tell you about home. Sometimes, that starts a story telling mode. When she is finished (if she responds) then distract her to something she may enjoy.
You are doing well. Keep coming back. This community is full of strong, smart, caring people.
Carol see more
Question
Can nursing homes change a patient's medications?
I agree with Stargazer. The resident doctor of the nursing home would likely be the person who took her off the meds. If this is just an... I agree with Stargazer. The resident doctor of the nursing home would likely be the person who took her off the meds. If this is just an insurance issue, he or she should be able to push it through the insurance (or the neurologist could). Sometimes it takes several tries.
Try to have a talk with the resident doctor and let him or her know why the neurologist prescribed this medication. See if you can get some cooperation between doctors. I know this shouldn't be your problem, but sometimes this happens. Good luck,
Carol see more
Try to have a talk with the resident doctor and let him or her know why the neurologist prescribed this medication. See if you can get some cooperation between doctors. I know this shouldn't be your problem, but sometimes this happens. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My husband's Mom is dying and he does not want to see her in that state. What should he do?
Amazing, Care1975 - but not as unusual as we'd think. I've written about helping someone (generally men) learn to visit a loved one... Amazing, Care1975 - but not as unusual as we'd think. I've written about helping someone (generally men) learn to visit a loved one in the hospital or nursing home and it's just as you wrote. Ask him to just drive you and go from there. Generally, at least over time, they will make it to the person who needs to see them. Thanks for bringing this "method" into the conversation!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My husband's Mom is dying and he does not want to see her in that state. What should he do?
Hi Sgvickstrom, StandingAlone and Sooozie both gave great advice. Your husband will find seeing his mother very difficult but he'll... Hi Sgvickstrom,
StandingAlone and Sooozie both gave great advice. Your husband will find seeing his mother very difficult but he'll find living with the fact that he didn't go to see her harder in the end.
You can't make him do this, but you can tell him that you'll be with him all the way. Does he have a good friend or a religious leader who could talk with him and help him understand this?
It's not unusual for people to avoid seeing their loved ones so diminished. However, some of that dread may be a subconscious feeling that when the elder is gone, they are next in line - the new oldest generation. This can be difficult on its own.
Do try to convince your husband that he will, in the end, be far better off having done this difficult thing. Of course, he should understand that his mother would love to have her son there in her time of need, as well. Even if she is so close to death as to be only semiconscious, she'll know on some level that he was there. Go with him if that makes it easier.
Lastly, if he simply won't go don't blame yourself for not being able to convince him. Be ready to comfort him after his mother is gone when he blames himself for not doing enough when she was alive. It's bound to happen.
Warm wishes,
Carol see more
StandingAlone and Sooozie both gave great advice. Your husband will find seeing his mother very difficult but he'll find living with the fact that he didn't go to see her harder in the end.
You can't make him do this, but you can tell him that you'll be with him all the way. Does he have a good friend or a religious leader who could talk with him and help him understand this?
It's not unusual for people to avoid seeing their loved ones so diminished. However, some of that dread may be a subconscious feeling that when the elder is gone, they are next in line - the new oldest generation. This can be difficult on its own.
Do try to convince your husband that he will, in the end, be far better off having done this difficult thing. Of course, he should understand that his mother would love to have her son there in her time of need, as well. Even if she is so close to death as to be only semiconscious, she'll know on some level that he was there. Go with him if that makes it easier.
Lastly, if he simply won't go don't blame yourself for not being able to convince him. Be ready to comfort him after his mother is gone when he blames himself for not doing enough when she was alive. It's bound to happen.
Warm wishes,
Carol see more
What should I expect for the last 6 months to a year of my Mom's brain cancer battle?
Carol see more