Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How would my Dad transition to a new nursing home after being home with me?
I'm shocked at what that nurse in the original nursing home said, as well. I hope that the new nursing home can keep your dad. If not,... I'm shocked at what that nurse in the original nursing home said, as well. I hope that the new nursing home can keep your dad. If not, try to find a different one than the first one.
Nursing homes vary widely across the country and even within communities. Maybe, if this better nursing home where he lives now insists on moving him, they will wait until you can get him into a better one than the original. Good luck, my friend.
Carol see more
Nursing homes vary widely across the country and even within communities. Maybe, if this better nursing home where he lives now insists on moving him, they will wait until you can get him into a better one than the original. Good luck, my friend.
Carol see more
Question
Question
My mom has been a nursing home for months, but she isn't adjusting well. She goes through the day crying and h...
It's so hard when the short-term memory is gone. I'm sure that your mom is frightened because she knows that she forgets things and... It's so hard when the short-term memory is gone. I'm sure that your mom is frightened because she knows that she forgets things and she can't trust that the staff can take good care of her. It's natural and it's sad. But eventually, she'll gain confidence. She may not know who her caregivers are, but they will seem familiar, anyway (we can hope).
I wish there were ways to magically help our elders feel better, but when dementia takes over it's very hard to make any kind of change. Even if she went home, she likely wouldn't remember it as home. Think how terrifying that must be. You are such compassionate people. It's just wonderful to see the support you give each other.
Blessings,
Carol see more
I wish there were ways to magically help our elders feel better, but when dementia takes over it's very hard to make any kind of change. Even if she went home, she likely wouldn't remember it as home. Think how terrifying that must be. You are such compassionate people. It's just wonderful to see the support you give each other.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
Attempting to help manage finances with an elderly person with Dementia. Any advice?
Hi dogabone, I remember my mother paying for every public broadcasting fundraiser, even though she already paid once a year. Fortunately... Hi dogabone,
I remember my mother paying for every public broadcasting fundraiser, even though she already paid once a year. Fortunately they were wonderful when I called them and asked to be taken off their list. She could afford once a year and enjoyed the programs, so that was fine. However, every time they had a pledge drive, she'd want to pay again, asking me if I'm sure we were paid.
I'm telling you this only because I want you to know that you aren't alone. People with dementia often can’t remember what they paid, so they pay again. As you say, they are sitting ducks for scams. My mom once charged $1000 worth of magazines. Fortunately, I was able to stop payment on this.
You are fortunate that your aunt assigned you POA. That will help. Try to have bills taken out of her account so they don't go to the house. Maybe other mail can be routed to you so that you can just give her the fun things. Make sure she's on a do not call list for the phone. You can even get her an unlisted number and only give it to friends.
I'm not sure that you can do much more - frustrating as it is. However, watch for a time when you can take over the bill paying and then do it.
This is all going to be hard, but do what you can for now. This part should get easier but, of course, there will be other challenges.
Please keep checking back for support.
Carol see more
I remember my mother paying for every public broadcasting fundraiser, even though she already paid once a year. Fortunately they were wonderful when I called them and asked to be taken off their list. She could afford once a year and enjoyed the programs, so that was fine. However, every time they had a pledge drive, she'd want to pay again, asking me if I'm sure we were paid.
I'm telling you this only because I want you to know that you aren't alone. People with dementia often can’t remember what they paid, so they pay again. As you say, they are sitting ducks for scams. My mom once charged $1000 worth of magazines. Fortunately, I was able to stop payment on this.
You are fortunate that your aunt assigned you POA. That will help. Try to have bills taken out of her account so they don't go to the house. Maybe other mail can be routed to you so that you can just give her the fun things. Make sure she's on a do not call list for the phone. You can even get her an unlisted number and only give it to friends.
I'm not sure that you can do much more - frustrating as it is. However, watch for a time when you can take over the bill paying and then do it.
This is all going to be hard, but do what you can for now. This part should get easier but, of course, there will be other challenges.
Please keep checking back for support.
Carol see more
Question
Death of loved one. How to transitioning from caregiving?
Standing alone, you aren't unusual. Many of us never go back to where we were before caregiving. We have to struggle to find a new... Standing alone, you aren't unusual. Many of us never go back to where we were before caregiving. We have to struggle to find a new normal. Perhaps this article about finding the new normal may help a little. Meanwhile, we do understand. Your aren't alone.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
Carol see more
Question
Mom was released back to my brother, I am her medical advocate and POA. What can I do?
You are your mom's legal advocate and your other siblings agree with what is the right thing for your mom. Ask them to back you up with... You are your mom's legal advocate and your other siblings agree with what is the right thing for your mom. Ask them to back you up with your brother.
It seems that your brother wants the money and that's not in your mom's best interest. If you need to take legal action, an elder law attorney may be able to throw a scare into your brother so he let's you use your POA.
Good luck with this. It's hard when family differences become so ugly.
Carol see more
It seems that your brother wants the money and that's not in your mom's best interest. If you need to take legal action, an elder law attorney may be able to throw a scare into your brother so he let's you use your POA.
Good luck with this. It's hard when family differences become so ugly.
Carol see more
Question
Death of loved one. How to transitioning from caregiving?
I'm sorry about your father's death.It does sound like he was ready, though, and that helps most of us. Many people stop eating and... I'm sorry about your father's death.It does sound like he was ready, though, and that helps most of us. Many people stop eating and drinking when they are ready to let go. Your dream tells me that you were very tuned him to him and a wonderful caregiver.
Now you will have to transition and sometimes it will be hard. Grieving isn't a straight line either - sometimes when you think you're fine, you'll get blindsided by grief. You'll weather it though and go on.
It may help to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm
Time to take care of yourself, now.
Carol see more
Now you will have to transition and sometimes it will be hard. Grieving isn't a straight line either - sometimes when you think you're fine, you'll get blindsided by grief. You'll weather it though and go on.
It may help to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm
Time to take care of yourself, now.
Carol see more
Question
Can I restrict my sister's access to our Mom?
I think you have done well and continue to do so under such difficult circumstances and I agree that a family meeting is a terrific idea so... I think you have done well and continue to do so under such difficult circumstances and I agree that a family meeting is a terrific idea so that you have backup when decisions are made.
I'm not sure that you can legally keep your sister to this schedule without proving that she is a negative influence for your mom, and your mom's worsened symptoms are not likely enough. However, I hope that by bringing more people into this so they know the full problem, you may find that your sister gets more help, and that you have a more peaceful time caring for your mother.
Good luck with this continuing problem,
Carol see more
I'm not sure that you can legally keep your sister to this schedule without proving that she is a negative influence for your mom, and your mom's worsened symptoms are not likely enough. However, I hope that by bringing more people into this so they know the full problem, you may find that your sister gets more help, and that you have a more peaceful time caring for your mother.
Good luck with this continuing problem,
Carol see more
Question
Can I apply for social security benefits for my Mom who is in a coma?
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. This is awful. I'm assuming that she is under 70 or likely she'd already be drawing SS. ... I'm so sorry for you and your mother. This is awful. I'm assuming that she is under 70 or likely she'd already be drawing SS.
I would do as Pstegman said - look to the county for a pro bono attorney if you need one, which is likely. You may have to be made legal guardian first as was suggested previously.
This is a lot of stress for you on top of your mother's health condition. Please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
I would do as Pstegman said - look to the county for a pro bono attorney if you need one, which is likely. You may have to be made legal guardian first as was suggested previously.
This is a lot of stress for you on top of your mother's health condition. Please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone given up and walked away?
How nice for you! I do believe that people who truly know your situation will agree that you've done what you can. The ones who... How nice for you! I do believe that people who truly know your situation will agree that you've done what you can. The ones who don't - well, they don't matter.
Good luck, my friend. Please keep checking back for support.
Carol see more
Good luck, my friend. Please keep checking back for support.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone given up and walked away?
Don't worry a bit about what others think. You need to do what you need to do. It looks from your letter that you have little choice... Don't worry a bit about what others think. You need to do what you need to do. It looks from your letter that you have little choice but to allow your father to get into enough trouble that he'll allow you or others to help. This isn't, unfortunately, all that unusual.
It's very difficult to step back and let the chips fall. However, it seems as though you've tried everything else. When - and it is when, not if - something happens to bring him to his knees, insist that he sign a POA with a notary present before you do anything. Have one ready for finances and one for health situations.
Armed with the POAs, you should be able to have him placed in a nursing home if that is still what he needs. It's not going to be easy to place him with his past record, but as his health worsens, he may mellow.
You may hear from others in this very smart community, but I can't think of any other option for you.
Leave guilt out of it - you've done your best. Forget people who judge - they will judge no matter what you do. Pay attention to your child, your health and your job, while seeking as much information about care options as possible for your father so when the time comes you are prepared.
Best of luck. You've got your hands full.
Carol see more
It's very difficult to step back and let the chips fall. However, it seems as though you've tried everything else. When - and it is when, not if - something happens to bring him to his knees, insist that he sign a POA with a notary present before you do anything. Have one ready for finances and one for health situations.
Armed with the POAs, you should be able to have him placed in a nursing home if that is still what he needs. It's not going to be easy to place him with his past record, but as his health worsens, he may mellow.
You may hear from others in this very smart community, but I can't think of any other option for you.
Leave guilt out of it - you've done your best. Forget people who judge - they will judge no matter what you do. Pay attention to your child, your health and your job, while seeking as much information about care options as possible for your father so when the time comes you are prepared.
Best of luck. You've got your hands full.
Carol see more
Question
What are your options when the hospital gives you a list of places to place a patient that are too far away fo...
I'm so sorry that you are faced with this horrible dilemma. Have you talked with the doctor about your husband’s life expectancy? Do... I'm so sorry that you are faced with this horrible dilemma. Have you talked with the doctor about your husband’s life expectancy? Do you know your husband’s end-of-life wishes? Does he want to be kept alive no matter what or does he want comfort care?
Hospice help is available for people with less than six months to live. Some communities have hospice centers where patients can live. They also provide beds in the home and help with care.
If your husband is not considered terminal then you may have to have him moved and then placed on a list to be moved closer to you when there is an opening. Have you talked with a pastoral counselor? You don't have to be heavily religious to receive some helpful advice. Hospice also has counseling for loved ones.
In the end, there is no easy decision here. Talk it over with his doctor and see what is advised. Ignore family members who won't do anything but criticize. You are trying to keep your husband comfortable even if he can't be cured. That involves many hard decisions.
We are with you in spirit. Please keep coming back to gain from the wisdom on this community. There's bound to be one or more people here who have had to make a decision similar to yours.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Hospice help is available for people with less than six months to live. Some communities have hospice centers where patients can live. They also provide beds in the home and help with care.
If your husband is not considered terminal then you may have to have him moved and then placed on a list to be moved closer to you when there is an opening. Have you talked with a pastoral counselor? You don't have to be heavily religious to receive some helpful advice. Hospice also has counseling for loved ones.
In the end, there is no easy decision here. Talk it over with his doctor and see what is advised. Ignore family members who won't do anything but criticize. You are trying to keep your husband comfortable even if he can't be cured. That involves many hard decisions.
We are with you in spirit. Please keep coming back to gain from the wisdom on this community. There's bound to be one or more people here who have had to make a decision similar to yours.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Is there someone that will come to your home with a POA that my elderly Dad can sign?
Excellent idea, gramchef!
Question
How does caregiver accomplish oral hygiene when resident with dementia becomes combative?
This is too bad, since she may end up with mouth sores. Dentures can become a big problem with aging people. My dad's jaw bones had... This is too bad, since she may end up with mouth sores.
Dentures can become a big problem with aging people. My dad's jaw bones had deteriorated to the point that there was no support for his dentures (he had to get them when he was quite young because of a health problem). It was a struggle to keep them in so he could eat. This is the opposite of your problem, but my point is that teeth can become a huge issue with age.
My mother--in-law's teeth totally rotted away, but the only thing we could do was make sure there was no abscess. She couldn't tolerate any treatment. Even my mother, who'd had good teeth most of her life, ended up with rotted teeth as her health declined. One tooth that should have been removed would have taken oral surgery, but she couldn't take that, so a kind dentist found a way to make it comfortable and filled it with a quick substance that protected her tongue from rough spots.
It's great to have so many people chime in with their struggles and advice. What a terrific community!
Carol see more
Dentures can become a big problem with aging people. My dad's jaw bones had deteriorated to the point that there was no support for his dentures (he had to get them when he was quite young because of a health problem). It was a struggle to keep them in so he could eat. This is the opposite of your problem, but my point is that teeth can become a huge issue with age.
My mother--in-law's teeth totally rotted away, but the only thing we could do was make sure there was no abscess. She couldn't tolerate any treatment. Even my mother, who'd had good teeth most of her life, ended up with rotted teeth as her health declined. One tooth that should have been removed would have taken oral surgery, but she couldn't take that, so a kind dentist found a way to make it comfortable and filled it with a quick substance that protected her tongue from rough spots.
It's great to have so many people chime in with their struggles and advice. What a terrific community!
Carol see more
Question
Where to find a telephone that I can call (and no telemarketer can) for my Mom who has Alzheimer's?
You could find a simple phone online and then order a new landline number for her. It would take time for telemarketers to find the new... You could find a simple phone online and then order a new landline number for her. It would take time for telemarketers to find the new number. Better yet, get an unlisted number. It will cost more but be worth it. Then only you or whomever you give the number to can call.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Is there someone that will come to your home with a POA that my elderly Dad can sign?
You can check with friends and insurance agents, etc. if your bank won't send someone. Who does the taxes? That person may be a Notary... You can check with friends and insurance agents, etc. if your bank won't send someone. Who does the taxes? That person may be a Notary and come to the home. Just about any business of size will have at least one Notary. Many people are authorized to be a Notary Public because of their work.
You can download a POA form from the Internet generally for about $20. I'd get one for health and one for finances. Fill them out, meanwhile hunting for a notary to come to your home.
Your dad has to seem competent mentally. If there is doubt in this matter, check with his doctor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You can download a POA form from the Internet generally for about $20. I'd get one for health and one for finances. Fill them out, meanwhile hunting for a notary to come to your home.
Your dad has to seem competent mentally. If there is doubt in this matter, check with his doctor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone else's parent cry when shown affection?
Hi Soozie, I'm sure that you felt terrible when your mom cried while you held her, but with dementia, tears will often come with any... Hi Soozie,
I'm sure that you felt terrible when your mom cried while you held her, but with dementia, tears will often come with any emotion. I truly believe that she was grateful to be held and to hear you say that you love her - so grateful that it brought on tears. Tears of joy and gratitude can be confusing, but think of this as a breakthrough as far as her emotional negativity is concerned.
She told you she hates being old. That's not at all uncommon. People lose so much independence as they age to say nothing of added pain and frailty. She cried out of gratitude that she’s loveable anyway.
What I'm trying to say is give yourself a pat on the back. You did something wonderful when you held your mom. Her tears mean that you touched he heart. Please continue to do this. Listen to her even when she's negative or doesn't make sense, and remind yourself that you are doing the right thing. You will always remember what you gave.
Keep up being such a wonderful daughter under hard conditions, and do try to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol see more
I'm sure that you felt terrible when your mom cried while you held her, but with dementia, tears will often come with any emotion. I truly believe that she was grateful to be held and to hear you say that you love her - so grateful that it brought on tears. Tears of joy and gratitude can be confusing, but think of this as a breakthrough as far as her emotional negativity is concerned.
She told you she hates being old. That's not at all uncommon. People lose so much independence as they age to say nothing of added pain and frailty. She cried out of gratitude that she’s loveable anyway.
What I'm trying to say is give yourself a pat on the back. You did something wonderful when you held your mom. Her tears mean that you touched he heart. Please continue to do this. Listen to her even when she's negative or doesn't make sense, and remind yourself that you are doing the right thing. You will always remember what you gave.
Keep up being such a wonderful daughter under hard conditions, and do try to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol see more
Question
Is it common for aging parents to still think you are a young child?
Raven, my sympathies about your friends dropping you. Unfortunately, that is common. I think people are afraid that they will one day be in... Raven, my sympathies about your friends dropping you. Unfortunately, that is common. I think people are afraid that they will one day be in your position and they don't want that reminder. You may be interested in this article from the past:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/when-caregiving-starts-friends-scatter-154250.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/when-caregiving-starts-friends-scatter-154250.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it common for aging parents to still think you are a young child?
Thanks, Sizemoe. I try. Caregivers need to cover each others backs : )
Are there places where the elderly could stay for a week?
You could check with assisted living facilities. Also, there may be some private homes that provide respite care. This depends on the community.
You could check with your nearest Area Agency on Aging or go onto your state's website and check their aging services. Ask about respite care providers in your elder's community.
Take care,
Carol see more