Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Mom in AL 1 month , last time I visited she was stuttering during her hour long angry conversation. Is this si...
I agree that settling it nearly always takes time. People have to work through anger and resentment even when they know underneath it all... I agree that settling it nearly always takes time. People have to work through anger and resentment even when they know underneath it all that they weren't safe at home. Generally, over time, adjustment sets in and many people make friends learn to love AL.
The stuttering and eye problems do make me think that her meds need to be closely examined. Adding too many new things at once can cloud the issue so it's hard to tell what is a health problem and what is a medication side effect or interaction. You could ask a pharmacist to go through the medication list, too, looking for interactions.
You are wise to look at the health issues and ask for explanations and even a second opinion if warranted. As far as her adjustment goes, you'll have to wait out her anger. Hopefully, she'll learn to enjoy herself once she learns that this is her new home.
Good luck.
Carol see more
The stuttering and eye problems do make me think that her meds need to be closely examined. Adding too many new things at once can cloud the issue so it's hard to tell what is a health problem and what is a medication side effect or interaction. You could ask a pharmacist to go through the medication list, too, looking for interactions.
You are wise to look at the health issues and ask for explanations and even a second opinion if warranted. As far as her adjustment goes, you'll have to wait out her anger. Hopefully, she'll learn to enjoy herself once she learns that this is her new home.
Good luck.
Carol see more
Question
Can having my Mom's name on my bank account limit her access to Medicaid?
I would contact the bank and see if there is a way to limit or clarify how the account is set up. You may have to use the bank trust... I would contact the bank and see if there is a way to limit or clarify how the account is set up. You may have to use the bank trust department as a go-between.
Please get advice from a trusted financial expert, because it's true that your account will, at least superficially, appear to be your mother's assets. Please do this soon. Good luck,
Carol see more
Please get advice from a trusted financial expert, because it's true that your account will, at least superficially, appear to be your mother's assets. Please do this soon. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I tell when it is time to put my wife in full time care?
I'd say now is the time. Her care is taking too much of a toll on you for one thing, plus she has so many needs that one person is... I'd say now is the time. Her care is taking too much of a toll on you for one thing, plus she has so many needs that one person is unlikely to be able to provide for all of her care day in and day out.
I'd definitely start looking for a quality care nursing home close to you. Then you can visit and monitor her care, but still concentrate on quality time during visits rather than the physical care you must do now.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
I'd definitely start looking for a quality care nursing home close to you. Then you can visit and monitor her care, but still concentrate on quality time during visits rather than the physical care you must do now.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How does caregiver accomplish oral hygiene when resident with dementia becomes combative?
I forgot about those, Ferris. If they just chew on the little sponges it would help. Good idea if there is no risk of choking. Thanks,... I forgot about those, Ferris. If they just chew on the little sponges it would help. Good idea if there is no risk of choking.
Thanks, Carol see more
Thanks, Carol see more
Question
Is instant anger, swearing, and physically being out of control go with Alzheimers?
Wonderful suggestion Michele!
Carol
Carol
Question
Should we include a neurologist in dad's care?
That depends on both the doctor who is now treating as well as the patient. You seem to be getting the right mix of care, but it may not... That depends on both the doctor who is now treating as well as the patient. You seem to be getting the right mix of care, but it may not hurt to have another appointment with the neurologist just for a second opinion.
Generally, it's good to have either a psychiatrist or neurologist involved with ongoing care, but basically you need a doctor who is thoroughly trained in Alzheimer's treatment and it's likely that this geriatric psychiatrist is competent. I think that you may feel better checking in with the neurologist again just for a second opinion. It's likely not necessary for this dual care to be ongoing.
Good luck to you. I hope that seeing a neurologist again will ease your mind that the right care is being provided. If not, you should see if the neurologist and geriatric psychiatrist can work together on the medications.
Take care,
Carol see more
Generally, it's good to have either a psychiatrist or neurologist involved with ongoing care, but basically you need a doctor who is thoroughly trained in Alzheimer's treatment and it's likely that this geriatric psychiatrist is competent. I think that you may feel better checking in with the neurologist again just for a second opinion. It's likely not necessary for this dual care to be ongoing.
Good luck to you. I hope that seeing a neurologist again will ease your mind that the right care is being provided. If not, you should see if the neurologist and geriatric psychiatrist can work together on the medications.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is instant anger, swearing, and physically being out of control go with Alzheimers?
Swearing isn't at all at odds with certain stages of AD. Also, the aggression can be part of it, often, as noted, brought on by... Swearing isn't at all at odds with certain stages of AD. Also, the aggression can be part of it, often, as noted, brought on by frustration and/or fear.
I agree that he needs to have a thorough exam to look for an infection or other cause of this behavior. His medications and his med schedule need to be checked over, too. If none of these are the problem, then perhaps the doctor could prescribe something to help.
I've seen several comments on antipsychotics that have helped some people. Sometimes they work miracles, but other times they make matters worse. This type of therapy isn't generally a first choice but the do have their place with certain patients.
If your dad is given any new medication, monitor how it's taken and how your dad responds as it absorbs as well as over time. Keep in contact with the doctor. There may be several med changes needed to find the right drug that can help.
Good luck. This is terribly hard on all of you who love him,
Carol see more
I agree that he needs to have a thorough exam to look for an infection or other cause of this behavior. His medications and his med schedule need to be checked over, too. If none of these are the problem, then perhaps the doctor could prescribe something to help.
I've seen several comments on antipsychotics that have helped some people. Sometimes they work miracles, but other times they make matters worse. This type of therapy isn't generally a first choice but the do have their place with certain patients.
If your dad is given any new medication, monitor how it's taken and how your dad responds as it absorbs as well as over time. Keep in contact with the doctor. There may be several med changes needed to find the right drug that can help.
Good luck. This is terribly hard on all of you who love him,
Carol see more
Question
How does caregiver accomplish oral hygiene when resident with dementia becomes combative?
It's a constant battle with age, teeth and AD. In the end, you just want to keep them out of pain. It's very hard to do quality... It's a constant battle with age, teeth and AD. In the end, you just want to keep them out of pain. It's very hard to do quality dental hygiene.
Best Wishes,
Carol see more
Best Wishes,
Carol see more
Question
How does caregiver accomplish oral hygiene when resident with dementia becomes combative?
You are right that there's only so much you can do. It was wise to look for better timing. Take what you can get. But when she's... You are right that there's only so much you can do. It was wise to look for better timing. Take what you can get. But when she's too stubborn about it you won't get the job done anyway and you'll both be upset.
Good luck with this battle.
Carol see more
Good luck with this battle.
Carol see more
Question
My MIL is being released from the hospital and the doctor says NH or AL. She's refusing. What do I do?
Dil, you have no reason to feel guilty - you've done more than most people could under the circumstances. Listen to the doctor and tell... Dil, you have no reason to feel guilty - you've done more than most people could under the circumstances. Listen to the doctor and tell your mother-in-law that you are no longer able to provide for her care. Let her know that you will visit. Social Services should be able to help if you tell them that she will be on her own. Good luck to you. Just stay firm and let go of guilt. You are doing the right thing for both of you.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I don't think I'm going to be able to work due to Dad needing to be watched. Any advice?
PStegman is right. Not only is it hard to get back into the labor pool, you will be losing Social Security that you'll need for your... PStegman is right. Not only is it hard to get back into the labor pool, you will be losing Social Security that you'll need for your future as well as any other retirement such as a 401K that your employer offers.
I understand that the pull to stay with your dad is strong, but plan this out very carefully. Too many of us are financially strapped as we age because we've given up jobs during out caregiving years. I hope that you can find some compromise, such as Veterans Aid and Assistance or Medicaid paid caregivers. Good luck,
Carol see more
I understand that the pull to stay with your dad is strong, but plan this out very carefully. Too many of us are financially strapped as we age because we've given up jobs during out caregiving years. I hope that you can find some compromise, such as Veterans Aid and Assistance or Medicaid paid caregivers. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
If Medicaid takes my income, how do I pay the taxes and expenses of my home?
It seems that anything that is not cut and dried requires the help of an estate attorney or elder law attorney. States have varying rules... It seems that anything that is not cut and dried requires the help of an estate attorney or elder law attorney. States have varying rules with Medicaid since, while it's a federal program, it's state run. While few of us like paying attorney fees if we don't need to, the peace of mind can be worth it. Good luck to all of you with these complicated issues.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I am feeling selfish in my thinking about putting my Mom in assisted living/nursing home. Any advice?
It sounds to me like your mother is ready for a nursing home. I'm not sure that assisted living would be enough. Yes, Medicaid takes... It sounds to me like your mother is ready for a nursing home. I'm not sure that assisted living would be enough. Yes, Medicaid takes her money, but that is for her care. She is left a small amount a month, so you could keep some in an account at the nursing home that she could use as a bank. They understand the need to feel some sort of independence.
Your can't keep this up and you've given more than most people could. Your mother may even enjoy making new friends in her own age group who also have health problems. You health, however concerns me.
You can still "take care of your own" as part of the care team in the nursing home. You can be her advocate and visit and enjoy her rather than use your time with her cleaning up and wearing yourself out. Please start looking around in your community. Your mom needs professional care and you need a break.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Your can't keep this up and you've given more than most people could. Your mother may even enjoy making new friends in her own age group who also have health problems. You health, however concerns me.
You can still "take care of your own" as part of the care team in the nursing home. You can be her advocate and visit and enjoy her rather than use your time with her cleaning up and wearing yourself out. Please start looking around in your community. Your mom needs professional care and you need a break.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How much time do most caregivers spend with the person they're caring for?
Laurie, you are amazing. Please don't feel guilty. You are doing a great deal. Your mother has day care, as well as your attention. It... Laurie, you are amazing. Please don't feel guilty. You are doing a great deal. Your mother has day care, as well as your attention. It sounds as though you have the situation in hand.
Take care of yourself, too.,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, too.,
Carol see more
Question
Church has stolen my father's belongings. Any advice?
Hi Furious in Co, This sounds like a cult issue to me and it could happen to others so I hope that you are determined to see this through.... Hi Furious in Co,
This sounds like a cult issue to me and it could happen to others so I hope that you are determined to see this through. The whole story is horrifying.
Police training is unlikely to include knowing how to spot Alzheimer's disease, especially with someone who seems "okay" in a short interview, so while the police did their best, a physician should be provide the diagnosis of whether or not your father is cognitively able to change his POA and make these decisions.
I agree with pstegman about calling the State's Attorney's office. The fact that the group is "caring" for your father by not taking him to his medical appointments and not giving him his prescriptions should be evidence enough to have him legally examined by a qualified physician.
You had POA and now that's been changed but if a doctor can document when your father’s dementia was diagnosed, the second so called POA is likely to be deemed illegal.
Sadly, I'm not sure how much you'd get back of your family heirlooms, but I hope some can be recovered. Not being near the Colorado area, I'm not familiar with the idea of the particular news show, but if there is enough evidence of crime here any news outlet would be your friend. Elder abuse grabs nearly anyone’s interest and this certainly sounds like financial and even physical abuse.
You are right in not having your father in your home if he was abusive to the kids, but you should have some say about where he is cared for. Please keep us posted on what happens in this case.
Take care,
Carol see more
This sounds like a cult issue to me and it could happen to others so I hope that you are determined to see this through. The whole story is horrifying.
Police training is unlikely to include knowing how to spot Alzheimer's disease, especially with someone who seems "okay" in a short interview, so while the police did their best, a physician should be provide the diagnosis of whether or not your father is cognitively able to change his POA and make these decisions.
I agree with pstegman about calling the State's Attorney's office. The fact that the group is "caring" for your father by not taking him to his medical appointments and not giving him his prescriptions should be evidence enough to have him legally examined by a qualified physician.
You had POA and now that's been changed but if a doctor can document when your father’s dementia was diagnosed, the second so called POA is likely to be deemed illegal.
Sadly, I'm not sure how much you'd get back of your family heirlooms, but I hope some can be recovered. Not being near the Colorado area, I'm not familiar with the idea of the particular news show, but if there is enough evidence of crime here any news outlet would be your friend. Elder abuse grabs nearly anyone’s interest and this certainly sounds like financial and even physical abuse.
You are right in not having your father in your home if he was abusive to the kids, but you should have some say about where he is cared for. Please keep us posted on what happens in this case.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I live with my mother, and I want to marry my partner. Any advice?
You are not a bad person and there is absolutely no reason for guilt. You're still a young woman as things go these days, and your... You are not a bad person and there is absolutely no reason for guilt. You're still a young woman as things go these days, and your partner has been amazing to do so much to be near you.
Your children are no longer children and don't seem to have special needs, so they should do fine living on their own, or even living with Grandma for awhile.
You mentioned that there is good communication. That's a huge asset. I believe that underneath some understandable fear of change, you mother would want you to have a normal life. She won't be around forever and you deserve a full relationship with your partner.
Let her know that you aren't abandoning her but that you need to make changes for yourself as well as for her. If anything happened to you so that you couldn't care for her she'd be thrown into care without your help, so this is the time to begin making the changes.
Best wishes to you all. Please come back and let us know how you are progressing. Many people can gain insight from your words.
Carol see more
Your children are no longer children and don't seem to have special needs, so they should do fine living on their own, or even living with Grandma for awhile.
You mentioned that there is good communication. That's a huge asset. I believe that underneath some understandable fear of change, you mother would want you to have a normal life. She won't be around forever and you deserve a full relationship with your partner.
Let her know that you aren't abandoning her but that you need to make changes for yourself as well as for her. If anything happened to you so that you couldn't care for her she'd be thrown into care without your help, so this is the time to begin making the changes.
Best wishes to you all. Please come back and let us know how you are progressing. Many people can gain insight from your words.
Carol see more
Question
I'm living with an aging relative who maintains that they don't need help. Any advice?
Jeannegibbs is right on, as usual. Much depends on whether Grandma has dementia. She seems to be showing some signs, however she may be... Jeannegibbs is right on, as usual. Much depends on whether Grandma has dementia. She seems to be showing some signs, however she may be just fearful of aging.
The person she's giving money to concerns me in that he or she may be planting ideas (the family members just want her to die, etc.). I'm hoping someone in the family has POA, but guessing from Grandma's personality that no one does. This is going to be a challenge.
Keep an eye on things as you've been doing. Ask her what she'd like to eat and tell her you'll fix anything she wants. Try some of Jeanne's suggestions and see if she responds to logic. Try to get her to a doctor for a checkup (don't mention mental issues or dementia).
In the end, sadly, there's not always a lot you can do unless you can take legal action against the person she's giving money. You'd need proof of fraud or ill intent for that but keep records if you can just in case.
We are with you, my friend. Please keep checking back so we know how you (and Grandma) are doing.
Carol see more
The person she's giving money to concerns me in that he or she may be planting ideas (the family members just want her to die, etc.). I'm hoping someone in the family has POA, but guessing from Grandma's personality that no one does. This is going to be a challenge.
Keep an eye on things as you've been doing. Ask her what she'd like to eat and tell her you'll fix anything she wants. Try some of Jeanne's suggestions and see if she responds to logic. Try to get her to a doctor for a checkup (don't mention mental issues or dementia).
In the end, sadly, there's not always a lot you can do unless you can take legal action against the person she's giving money. You'd need proof of fraud or ill intent for that but keep records if you can just in case.
We are with you, my friend. Please keep checking back so we know how you (and Grandma) are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How does caregiver accomplish oral hygiene when resident with dementia becomes combative?
I, too, would like to hear from the community about this issue. I'd think if there is no way that the caregiver can help the person... I, too, would like to hear from the community about this issue. I'd think if there is no way that the caregiver can help the person brush the care receiver's teeth, at least lots of water could rinse teeth. If raw apple can be eaten without danger, I've read that apples can help cleanse the teeth. Let's hear from the community on this, since I didn't (thankfully) have this issue to cope with. Who has ideas?
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Carol see more
Question
Any advice on what the weight transfer details are with lifting transferring an MS patient?
You are welcome - and the best of luck with future assignments. The people you care for are fortunate!
Carol
Carol
Is it common for aging parents to still think you are a young child?
Your parents just think of you as their daughter, so therefore you are young. They likely don't see themselves being as old as they are so they can't absorb the fact that a child of theirs is a senior citizen.
The only solution I can think of for you is to say that you have - a back issue, arthritis, a shoulder problem - something that is painful, so you can't do this work. Tell them you'll find someone who can, but that you need to take care of this injury or chronic pain. They may then fall into parent mode and realize that you are "sick" so they want to help you.
This skirts the fact that you are aging therefore they are REALLY old.
Good luck! You have company here so please keep coming back to check in.
Carol see more