Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What can I do to cope?
Ppstegman's advice is terrific as usual. You and your mom are both grieving, but your mom may forget many details. It's best, if... Ppstegman's advice is terrific as usual. You and your mom are both grieving, but your mom may forget many details. It's best, if you can, to try to just pass over her comments and change the subject. If you can possibly find the time, it may help you to have some grief counseling.
Losing your beloved dog is terribly hard. If I may generalize, it's now most common to cremate beloved pets. It's difficult to find a place to legally bury an animal and you certainly didn't want your dog's body "disposed of" the way it would be without a dignified cremation. As a pet lover and often pet owner (and sister of a pet fanatic), I think you did the right thing for your dog. You don't have to convince your mother of this - she likely won' t understand anyway. Again, try to keep that conversation to a minimum and change the subject when possible.
Your mom is going to need full time care, likely a nursing home. That will mean making another adjustment, but it also will mean that you don't have sole responsibility for her care.
Try not to argue with her if possible - you can even say, "you're right, Mom" whether or not she is. Helping your mom move off topic can be worth a little white lie. Let her save face and move on.
We are here for you whenever you want to vent or ask questions. Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
Losing your beloved dog is terribly hard. If I may generalize, it's now most common to cremate beloved pets. It's difficult to find a place to legally bury an animal and you certainly didn't want your dog's body "disposed of" the way it would be without a dignified cremation. As a pet lover and often pet owner (and sister of a pet fanatic), I think you did the right thing for your dog. You don't have to convince your mother of this - she likely won' t understand anyway. Again, try to keep that conversation to a minimum and change the subject when possible.
Your mom is going to need full time care, likely a nursing home. That will mean making another adjustment, but it also will mean that you don't have sole responsibility for her care.
Try not to argue with her if possible - you can even say, "you're right, Mom" whether or not she is. Helping your mom move off topic can be worth a little white lie. Let her save face and move on.
We are here for you whenever you want to vent or ask questions. Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you cope when your husband is hospitalized and you feel dismissed from the decision making?
This is such a long, frustrating process, JMiller. My heart goes out to you. You are right about the house things - just do what you can.... This is such a long, frustrating process, JMiller. My heart goes out to you. You are right about the house things - just do what you can. You'll figure out shortcuts for now. If you have family who can help that's good, of course.
The social worker and patient advocate will be your best helpers here. Doctors are hard to pin down anywhere. Carry your DPOA in your purse at all times. The hospital has a copy but if you can present it when needed that doesn't hurt. You've gotten very good advice from the community. We wish you the best in this very difficult situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
The social worker and patient advocate will be your best helpers here. Doctors are hard to pin down anywhere. Carry your DPOA in your purse at all times. The hospital has a copy but if you can present it when needed that doesn't hurt. You've gotten very good advice from the community. We wish you the best in this very difficult situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you respond to a woman (92) in AL who has increasing dementia and keeps saying "I have no purpose in li...
Even though her broken hip wasn't as bad as it could have been, a broken hip for someone that age is a tremendous trauma for the body.... Even though her broken hip wasn't as bad as it could have been, a broken hip for someone that age is a tremendous trauma for the body. Also, hospitalization - even a brief one - can push someone on the verge of dementia deeper into the disease. Considering the physical and emotional traumas she’s suffered, her downturn is fairly normal.
I’d help her prepare for her workshops even if she does the same preparation steps repeatedly. If she has a goal, that is good and can bring her out of her slump for awhile. I wouldn't discourage her planning by saying that isn’t realistic. Planning may give her a purpose. You could even ask her if she has all of her supplies. Maybe a new planning notebook or something may help keep her interested.
Distraction by telling stories of friends and family can also help.
You are such a good friend. She’s a lucky woman.
Take care,
Carol see more
I’d help her prepare for her workshops even if she does the same preparation steps repeatedly. If she has a goal, that is good and can bring her out of her slump for awhile. I wouldn't discourage her planning by saying that isn’t realistic. Planning may give her a purpose. You could even ask her if she has all of her supplies. Maybe a new planning notebook or something may help keep her interested.
Distraction by telling stories of friends and family can also help.
You are such a good friend. She’s a lucky woman.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom is in an assisted living home and running out of money. Is there financial aid available?
Yes, pstegman is right. Ask about "Aid and Attendance." You may want to call Social Services about Medicaid, as well, since... Yes, pstegman is right. Ask about "Aid and Attendance." You may want to call Social Services about Medicaid, as well, since neither resource is quick to go through. You can find out if or how these would work singularly or together. Both programs are in place to help people like your mom who are running low on resources. Best of luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Any information about sundowners?
I do hope it helps. Please keep us posted. Many people in this community are seeking answers for this very problem. They can also offer a... I do hope it helps. Please keep us posted. Many people in this community are seeking answers for this very problem. They can also offer a lot of support.
Best,
Carol see more
Best,
Carol see more
Question
Any information about sundowners?
Full spectrum light helps some people. Some studies have been done by using the lamps that are prescribed for seasonal affective disorder... Full spectrum light helps some people. Some studies have been done by using the lamps that are prescribed for seasonal affective disorder for a time in the morning. Also, there are full-spectrum light bulbs you can use rather than regular ones. Try turning on lights before the natural light gets too dim in the late afternoon. Experiment and see if more light helps with the circadian rhythm.
Limiting stress, controlling pain, soothing music late in the day, activity during the day, limiting daytime napping - all of these are things you may have tried. Frequent snacks rather than large meals may help. One informal study showed that when people wandered at night, inviting them to sit down for a light snack took their minds off of having to "do something" and they went back to bed.
Each individual is different, but all of these options are worth a try. Good luck. I know that this is a challenge.
Carol see more
Limiting stress, controlling pain, soothing music late in the day, activity during the day, limiting daytime napping - all of these are things you may have tried. Frequent snacks rather than large meals may help. One informal study showed that when people wandered at night, inviting them to sit down for a light snack took their minds off of having to "do something" and they went back to bed.
Each individual is different, but all of these options are worth a try. Good luck. I know that this is a challenge.
Carol see more
Question
Mom's (90) in an independent living facility. She is complaining about staff stealing from her. Any advice?
Hi MichaelAnne, Emjo gave you good advice. Either a neurologist or psychiatrist could be a good choice when it comes to treatment. You need... Hi MichaelAnne,
Emjo gave you good advice. Either a neurologist or psychiatrist could be a good choice when it comes to treatment. You need a doctor who is experienced in dementia treatment so you may want to do some research. Many clinics and hospitals have online biographies of the doctors and indicate areas of concentration. Dementia doesn't have to be mentioned, but this is one resource that can help you determine which doctor you'd like to try.
Medications can help paranoia, but much depends on the cause. Your mom needs an accurate diagnosis in order to be treated properly.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Emjo gave you good advice. Either a neurologist or psychiatrist could be a good choice when it comes to treatment. You need a doctor who is experienced in dementia treatment so you may want to do some research. Many clinics and hospitals have online biographies of the doctors and indicate areas of concentration. Dementia doesn't have to be mentioned, but this is one resource that can help you determine which doctor you'd like to try.
Medications can help paranoia, but much depends on the cause. Your mom needs an accurate diagnosis in order to be treated properly.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
My 92 year old dad lives with me he gets SS and a pension. Can I claim him since I pay for him?
It's best to ask a CPA or other tax adviser about this. If his pension is small, you may be able to claim him on your taxes. It depends... It's best to ask a CPA or other tax adviser about this. If his pension is small, you may be able to claim him on your taxes. It depends on how much of his cost of living you provide and that could change by the year. Get advice from a tax pro and you won't have to worry.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Any advice on bringing in a live-in caregiver?
You should check with your state's Department of Labor to see what you legally need to do if you hire an independent caregiver. If you... You should check with your state's Department of Labor to see what you legally need to do if you hire an independent caregiver. If you go to www.irs.gov, you can pull up Publication 926, Household Employer’s Tax Guide. That, too, will help you with the business side of the arrangement. I also agree that an attorney should draw up an agreement for both of you to sign. Even if you know the person well, this is a business arrangement, so protect yourself legally.
This arrangement can work very well when you find the right person. It's just wise to know all of the ins and outs so that you aren't faced with any nasty surprises.
Take care and good luck with this,
Carol see more
This arrangement can work very well when you find the right person. It's just wise to know all of the ins and outs so that you aren't faced with any nasty surprises.
Take care and good luck with this,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone know how to address (or not address) my Mom's extreme dislike of the food at AL?
Hi Amy, I think not addressing the issue is best. You've said yourself that she's eating better than before, so it sounds to me... Hi Amy,
I think not addressing the issue is best. You've said yourself that she's eating better than before, so it sounds to me that she's using food as a weapon to make you feel guilty. Offer to bring her something occasionally (even if she doesn't get around to eating it). But do so as a treat. If you don't "buy into" her gripes, eventually she's likely to get over it, though be prepared for another kind of complaint.
As far as you going to see her at noon - that's your choice. See what works. Just try to ignore her food issues. If she's complaining a lot, just say, "Well, should we go up to your room since you're finished?" She'll probably stay and pick at her food, but if she doesn't, the staff will likely work with you to make sure she doesn't go hungry.
Good luck. This is terribly hard but it's part of the dynamic that often takes place in these situations.
Carol see more
I think not addressing the issue is best. You've said yourself that she's eating better than before, so it sounds to me that she's using food as a weapon to make you feel guilty. Offer to bring her something occasionally (even if she doesn't get around to eating it). But do so as a treat. If you don't "buy into" her gripes, eventually she's likely to get over it, though be prepared for another kind of complaint.
As far as you going to see her at noon - that's your choice. See what works. Just try to ignore her food issues. If she's complaining a lot, just say, "Well, should we go up to your room since you're finished?" She'll probably stay and pick at her food, but if she doesn't, the staff will likely work with you to make sure she doesn't go hungry.
Good luck. This is terribly hard but it's part of the dynamic that often takes place in these situations.
Carol see more
Question
Dealing with my dad and his depression and the emptiness of life. Any advice?
It seems to me that you are doing nearly everything possible, but I know it's heartbreaking for you to see him like this. Pstegman... It seems to me that you are doing nearly everything possible, but I know it's heartbreaking for you to see him like this. Pstegman presented a terrific option.
Another option is your state website. If you type your state's name and the words aging or aging services into your web browser, you should see a list of local options. Look for a version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. This program is federal and can offer a lot of help. It's a little different in each state, but still you should find support.
Good luck and please keep checking in on this forum. It's a terrific community of caring people with a lot of wisdom.
Carol see more
Another option is your state website. If you type your state's name and the words aging or aging services into your web browser, you should see a list of local options. Look for a version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. This program is federal and can offer a lot of help. It's a little different in each state, but still you should find support.
Good luck and please keep checking in on this forum. It's a terrific community of caring people with a lot of wisdom.
Carol see more
Question
Are there any adult children caregivers living with their elderly parents in the parent's home?
Living in your parent's home will almost always bring up these "childhood" issues. It may even bring out the bully in your... Living in your parent's home will almost always bring up these "childhood" issues. It may even bring out the bully in your father because he knows you are back in the family home and he feels like he's the boss.
The best you can do, in my mind, is to try to detach from his behavior. Tell him that you won't be treated with such a lack of respect and then walk away. If physical abuse is a problem, you may have to make arrangements for your mother and yourself away from him unless he has dementia, which may qualify him for nursing home care.
There are people on this community forum with much more experience on this topic than I have, so please keep coming back to check on their responses.
Good luck with this difficult situation.
Carol see more
The best you can do, in my mind, is to try to detach from his behavior. Tell him that you won't be treated with such a lack of respect and then walk away. If physical abuse is a problem, you may have to make arrangements for your mother and yourself away from him unless he has dementia, which may qualify him for nursing home care.
There are people on this community forum with much more experience on this topic than I have, so please keep coming back to check on their responses.
Good luck with this difficult situation.
Carol see more
Question
How do I get my Father to take money seriously?
This isn't petty at all. I'm wondering if he was always like this with money. If so, it's so ingrained that I don't know if... This isn't petty at all. I'm wondering if he was always like this with money. If so, it's so ingrained that I don't know if you can change him. You may ask a good friend of his to talk with him, but it's not likely to do a lot of good.
If this is new behavior, then you might want to have him checked for dementia. Impulse control and the inability to handle money can be signs of some types of dementia. There may or may not be a medication that can help, but having him checked wouldn't hurt.
As far as buying his hearing aids, that's a tough one. If you can, I would do it because of quality of life and especially because of the grandchildren. However, there is a limit to what you can do unless you are wealthy. He needs to be told this, even if he doesn't retain the message.
Good luck. Please keep us posed on how this goes.
Carol see more
If this is new behavior, then you might want to have him checked for dementia. Impulse control and the inability to handle money can be signs of some types of dementia. There may or may not be a medication that can help, but having him checked wouldn't hurt.
As far as buying his hearing aids, that's a tough one. If you can, I would do it because of quality of life and especially because of the grandchildren. However, there is a limit to what you can do unless you are wealthy. He needs to be told this, even if he doesn't retain the message.
Good luck. Please keep us posed on how this goes.
Carol see more
Question
Where can my Mother volunteer?
See if there's a Retired Senior Volunteer Program (RSVP) in your community. I was on the local board for awhile and was amazed at the... See if there's a Retired Senior Volunteer Program (RSVP) in your community. I was on the local board for awhile and was amazed at the number of hours these happy seniors put in. RSVP is part of Senior Corps. Try this website: http://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/senior-corps/rsvp
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you start to write memoirs of caregiving experiences that are informative and relative?
When I first wrote my book, Minding Our Elders, I was told by several agents that no one was interested in this issue. They loved my... When I first wrote my book, Minding Our Elders, I was told by several agents that no one was interested in this issue. They loved my writing, loved the title, etc. etc. but it wasn't an interesting topic. How things have changed! The topic has exploded as you know. So don't let anyone discourage you.
My suggestion is for you to read a number of caregiver's memoirs and advice books. That will help you decide what angle you want to pursue.
Decide what you want to say, read others books, read books about writing - there are many good ones - and then go back to your notes. Sometimes reading is the best way to start writing.
Best wishes!
Carol see more
My suggestion is for you to read a number of caregiver's memoirs and advice books. That will help you decide what angle you want to pursue.
Decide what you want to say, read others books, read books about writing - there are many good ones - and then go back to your notes. Sometimes reading is the best way to start writing.
Best wishes!
Carol see more
Question
Is it reasonable to think that there is an obligation for a family member to provide care for an aging parent?
I feel that we should try to do what we can for our elders. That doesn't necessarily mean creating financial disaster for ourselves or... I feel that we should try to do what we can for our elders. That doesn't necessarily mean creating financial disaster for ourselves or taking them into our homes if that will destroy the family. It does mean working with agencies if we cannot provide some care by going to their home to help out.
I agree that obligation is a strong word because that can breed resentment and turn into elder neglect or abuse. This is especially an issue if the parents were abusive to their children. When child abuse was present, the adult child may feel very conflicted about caring for his or her parents. In these cases, unless there's been significant counseling to help the adult child recover, it's perhaps better for the adult child to take an administrative role in caregiving if, indeed, they can take any role at all.
In close-knit families, adult children generally want to help their aging parents to whatever degree they can, within reason. That's not out of obligation so much as out of love. There is a difference.
Take care,
Carol see more
I agree that obligation is a strong word because that can breed resentment and turn into elder neglect or abuse. This is especially an issue if the parents were abusive to their children. When child abuse was present, the adult child may feel very conflicted about caring for his or her parents. In these cases, unless there's been significant counseling to help the adult child recover, it's perhaps better for the adult child to take an administrative role in caregiving if, indeed, they can take any role at all.
In close-knit families, adult children generally want to help their aging parents to whatever degree they can, within reason. That's not out of obligation so much as out of love. There is a difference.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find a way to shower or wash my Mom properly without making a flood in the bathroom?
I think you'll need to talk with the doctor about alternatives. As Pstegman so wisely said, an occupational therapist may be able to... I think you'll need to talk with the doctor about alternatives. As Pstegman so wisely said, an occupational therapist may be able to help determine the best approach and the doctor should be able to refer you to the appropriate person.
Some modifications may be paid for if your mother is on Medicaid, but you'd have to check with both the therapist and Medicaid to be sure.
Good luck. This is one of the toughest issues of caring for someone with mobility problems.
Carol see more
Some modifications may be paid for if your mother is on Medicaid, but you'd have to check with both the therapist and Medicaid to be sure.
Good luck. This is one of the toughest issues of caring for someone with mobility problems.
Carol see more
Question
I'm struggling with placing both parents. Any guidance?
Excellent idea from Sunflo2, UsaPostive. Taking pictures of the twins with their grandparents will save memories. They may be bittersweet,... Excellent idea from Sunflo2, UsaPostive. Taking pictures of the twins with their grandparents will save memories. They may be bittersweet, but they are memories you won't be able to go back and save.
Our hearts are with you,
Carol see more
Our hearts are with you,
Carol see more
Question
I'm struggling with placing both parents. Any guidance?
Hi UsaPositive, My heart goes out to you about both of your parents. The whole situation is tragic beyond belief. My dad suffered... Hi UsaPositive,
My heart goes out to you about both of your parents. The whole situation is tragic beyond belief.
My dad suffered "instant dementia" after a brain surgery, so I do know the horror of such a sudden change in an otherwise healthy parent. The fact that your mother is now unable to enjoy your twins and help you is beyond sad, making your whole situation so much worse.
Please realize that no one could have known that this would happen. I believe that your parents would be best off together in a long-term care facility. They will be safe and cared for and you can visit when you can.
As a mother myself, and a caregiver to multiple elders, I can assure you that your mother would never have wanted you to have to cope with this. The fact that she can't help you is crushing enough. She would not want to add to your struggle. Even if sometimes elders get clingy when they are ill, most actually would not choose to take over their adult children's lives. Believe me, she and your dad, in their hearts, would want you to find joy in your babies and not be completely tied to them through their illnesses.
It's very sad that your siblings are keeping things in "high drama" rather than helping you and your shared parents. Since that is the case, you'll have to try to detach from their behavior and do what is right.
Please look into long-term care for your parents. You can keep tabs on them, but your children need you now.
Keep checking back with us when you can. There is a lot of combined wisdom in this community. Our hearts are with you.
Carol see more
My heart goes out to you about both of your parents. The whole situation is tragic beyond belief.
My dad suffered "instant dementia" after a brain surgery, so I do know the horror of such a sudden change in an otherwise healthy parent. The fact that your mother is now unable to enjoy your twins and help you is beyond sad, making your whole situation so much worse.
Please realize that no one could have known that this would happen. I believe that your parents would be best off together in a long-term care facility. They will be safe and cared for and you can visit when you can.
As a mother myself, and a caregiver to multiple elders, I can assure you that your mother would never have wanted you to have to cope with this. The fact that she can't help you is crushing enough. She would not want to add to your struggle. Even if sometimes elders get clingy when they are ill, most actually would not choose to take over their adult children's lives. Believe me, she and your dad, in their hearts, would want you to find joy in your babies and not be completely tied to them through their illnesses.
It's very sad that your siblings are keeping things in "high drama" rather than helping you and your shared parents. Since that is the case, you'll have to try to detach from their behavior and do what is right.
Please look into long-term care for your parents. You can keep tabs on them, but your children need you now.
Keep checking back with us when you can. There is a lot of combined wisdom in this community. Our hearts are with you.
Carol see more
Any advice on what the weight transfer details are with lifting transferring an MS patient?
Take care,
Carol see more