Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?
I'm glad I could help a little. Unfortunately, I've seen this too often. If parents can't see their adult children for who they... I'm glad I could help a little. Unfortunately, I've seen this too often. If parents can't see their adult children for who they are - adults - then things can get dicey. It can stress the young marriages as well as the relationship with their own child/children.
As I mentioned, there are other reasons, of course. But this is one I've witnessed.
Thanks again for your comment.
Carol see more
As I mentioned, there are other reasons, of course. But this is one I've witnessed.
Thanks again for your comment.
Carol see more
Question
Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?
Great question, cmagnum! I believe it can be any one or a combination of the above. Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much... Great question, cmagnum!
I believe it can be any one or a combination of the above. Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children. Sometimes, it stems from fear because of failing physical and/or mental health. Sometimes it's a personality issue. Whatever the reason, the only way out the caregiver has is to not fall victim to the blackmail. Detaching from this type of treatment can be extremely difficult, and sometimes counseling is necessary. However, if the caregiver can't detach to some degree, there's no way to break the cycle. That being said, we are our parents' children and it's difficult to completely detach from the way they treat us.
Take care,
Carol see more
I believe it can be any one or a combination of the above. Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children. Sometimes, it stems from fear because of failing physical and/or mental health. Sometimes it's a personality issue. Whatever the reason, the only way out the caregiver has is to not fall victim to the blackmail. Detaching from this type of treatment can be extremely difficult, and sometimes counseling is necessary. However, if the caregiver can't detach to some degree, there's no way to break the cycle. That being said, we are our parents' children and it's difficult to completely detach from the way they treat us.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom has some stocks of 100.000 and owns low income condo, can she get Medicaid?
I was a bit confused about this, too. Could have been a typo, which would mean all the difference in the world.
Carol
Carol
Question
What do you tell someone who recently went into a nursing home when they say they "want to go home?"
Your answer was a very good one, for now. Much depends on his dementia. Later into dementia, you may have to just gently ask him to tell... Your answer was a very good one, for now. Much depends on his dementia. Later into dementia, you may have to just gently ask him to tell you about home and then distract him after he talks awhile. He could, at that time, be asking about his childhood home or about anything else.
For now, if he really seems to remember "home" as where you lived together, you can say, "when you're strong enough." That's not lying - it's being kind.
While it sounds as if you had a wonderful marriage based on truth, you'll now have to start coping with truth as he sees it. That's a challenge for a long-time spouse. Please don't feel guilty for being kind. We'd love to have you stop back to visit us here. Also, you may get some needed support at the Well Spouse Association at www.wsa.org.
Take care,
Carol see more
For now, if he really seems to remember "home" as where you lived together, you can say, "when you're strong enough." That's not lying - it's being kind.
While it sounds as if you had a wonderful marriage based on truth, you'll now have to start coping with truth as he sees it. That's a challenge for a long-time spouse. Please don't feel guilty for being kind. We'd love to have you stop back to visit us here. Also, you may get some needed support at the Well Spouse Association at www.wsa.org.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom has some stocks of 100.000 and owns low income condo, can she get Medicaid?
Social Security is money she earned because she paid in during her working years (and/or her husband did.) That's an entirely different... Social Security is money she earned because she paid in during her working years (and/or her husband did.) That's an entirely different issue. She likely is on Medicare, as well, for her health insurance. Again, this is a combination of Medicare A, which has no co-payment and Medicare B, supplimental and Medicare D, all of which require payments.
As Vegaslady said, Medicaid is aid for the poor. Your mom has the assets to care for herself in any manner she chooses for quite awhile. Once she has spent down her assets, she then would qualify for Medicaid.
Take care,
Carol see more
As Vegaslady said, Medicaid is aid for the poor. Your mom has the assets to care for herself in any manner she chooses for quite awhile. Once she has spent down her assets, she then would qualify for Medicaid.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I know what stage of dementia mom is in?
People often go back and forth between stages before settling in so it's not as easy to decide as one might think. Also, a doctor... People often go back and forth between stages before settling in so it's not as easy to decide as one might think. Also, a doctor should be the one to determine the stage because of the background necessary. That being said, the input from the caregiver can be essential for a correct assessment because you see what's happening on a daily basis and can report on it.
The Alzheimer's Association uses the following stages as a guide:
Stage 1: No impairment (normal function)
Stage 2: Very mild cognitive decline (may be normal age-related changes or earliest signs of Alzheimer's disease).
Stage 3: Mild cognitive decline
Stage 4: Moderate cognitive decline (Mild or early-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Stage 5: Moderately severe cognitive decline (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline (Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Stage 7: Very severe cognitive decline (Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
For more about these stages you may want to read: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Stages-of-Alzheimers-disease-118964.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
The Alzheimer's Association uses the following stages as a guide:
Stage 1: No impairment (normal function)
Stage 2: Very mild cognitive decline (may be normal age-related changes or earliest signs of Alzheimer's disease).
Stage 3: Mild cognitive decline
Stage 4: Moderate cognitive decline (Mild or early-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Stage 5: Moderately severe cognitive decline (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline (Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Stage 7: Very severe cognitive decline (Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
For more about these stages you may want to read: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Stages-of-Alzheimers-disease-118964.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If you are person that was physically abused as a child and now the abused caregiver what do I do?
Dear Cathymeyerny, Please read every response on this post. All of these good people know that you cannot live like this. If you live with... Dear Cathymeyerny,
Please read every response on this post. All of these good people know that you cannot live like this. If you live with your father, somehow you need to move out. Do so and then call adult protective services and tell them that there is a man alone at this address and he may need their help. This is not for his sake but for yours. Someday, may be glad you did.
As pstegman said, find a job - any job – so that you can take care of yourself. If he has to go to the hospital, then that's where he stays until adult protective services decides what to do with him. You have no obligation to take care of someone who abused you so viciously as a child and who continues to abuse you.
You are the only one who can change this. Don't let anyone - even his doctor - lay any guilt on you. If some agency tries to push you into more caregiving, give them the names and contact information for your siblings. Tell them that you have been abused too much and that you will end up in the hospital if you don't get away. Tell them that you are done and they can work with your siblings.
If you need help right now call your local help line or 9-1-1. Many states have 2-1-1 where you can call with all kinds of questions. If your state does, they can guide you.
The main thing is for you to get away or get him out of your house. Call the police if you have to. Just don't back down.
Please contact us again and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please read every response on this post. All of these good people know that you cannot live like this. If you live with your father, somehow you need to move out. Do so and then call adult protective services and tell them that there is a man alone at this address and he may need their help. This is not for his sake but for yours. Someday, may be glad you did.
As pstegman said, find a job - any job – so that you can take care of yourself. If he has to go to the hospital, then that's where he stays until adult protective services decides what to do with him. You have no obligation to take care of someone who abused you so viciously as a child and who continues to abuse you.
You are the only one who can change this. Don't let anyone - even his doctor - lay any guilt on you. If some agency tries to push you into more caregiving, give them the names and contact information for your siblings. Tell them that you have been abused too much and that you will end up in the hospital if you don't get away. Tell them that you are done and they can work with your siblings.
If you need help right now call your local help line or 9-1-1. Many states have 2-1-1 where you can call with all kinds of questions. If your state does, they can guide you.
The main thing is for you to get away or get him out of your house. Call the police if you have to. Just don't back down.
Please contact us again and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How did it make you feel when you had to put your Alzheimer's parent in their place?
You're right that each case is different, and all we have to go on is your first note. It sounds as if she may not be as far along in... You're right that each case is different, and all we have to go on is your first note. It sounds as if she may not be as far along in the disease as we thought. In the early stages of some types of dementia, some people can understand logic to an extent.
I'm glad she has the resources for care when the time comes. We wish you well in this challenge. We'd love an update on how things are going as you move forward. We can all learn from each other.
Carol see more
I'm glad she has the resources for care when the time comes. We wish you well in this challenge. We'd love an update on how things are going as you move forward. We can all learn from each other.
Carol see more
Question
How does one deal with a 91yr. old Mom that's living with you and is not cooperative?
You mother is likely not cooperative because of all of her problems. Her memory issues may indicate dementia, which can mean that she... You mother is likely not cooperative because of all of her problems. Her memory issues may indicate dementia, which can mean that she doesn't even have the same conception of reality that you do.
Can you get some in-home agency people to come in to relieve you sometimes? That may make it easier for you to cope with the frustration of dealing with her issues.
Denial is common when people have dementia. It does sound like she could use better pain management and probably should be evaluated for dementia.
Take care of yourself and please keep coming back to chat with the community. People here understand the stresses you face.
Take care,
Carol see more
Can you get some in-home agency people to come in to relieve you sometimes? That may make it easier for you to cope with the frustration of dealing with her issues.
Denial is common when people have dementia. It does sound like she could use better pain management and probably should be evaluated for dementia.
Take care of yourself and please keep coming back to chat with the community. People here understand the stresses you face.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How did it make you feel when you had to put your Alzheimer's parent in their place?
Hi Graciesgirl, I know this has to be breaking your heart. The problem is, you mom is not able to be logical. She can’t understand why you... Hi Graciesgirl,
I know this has to be breaking your heart. The problem is, you mom is not able to be logical. She can’t understand why you are making changes. That being said, you do have to do some things such as make sure the stove "doesn't work," or whatever needs to be done for her safety.
Since you have to make so many changes to her home and living habits, she may be better off living in a good assisted living memory unit. That would be one big change but so is having her house changed as it is. Professionals would make sure she is safe and cared for and you could concentrate on having nice visits with her, taking her out if she enjoys that, and comforting her.
Even in a controlled environment she's likely to get angry with you at times. The only way you'll be able to cope with some peace of mind is to understand that she cannot help but feel anxious over change. Her environment doesn’t make much sense to her. She can't help this. Her brain is being destroyed by the disease.
You might want to get in touch with your local Alzheimer's organization and/or go to www.alz.org to learn more about the disease. The brain tour on this site is amazing.
Take care and please keep coming back here for support. Most of us have been in similar situations.
Carol see more
I know this has to be breaking your heart. The problem is, you mom is not able to be logical. She can’t understand why you are making changes. That being said, you do have to do some things such as make sure the stove "doesn't work," or whatever needs to be done for her safety.
Since you have to make so many changes to her home and living habits, she may be better off living in a good assisted living memory unit. That would be one big change but so is having her house changed as it is. Professionals would make sure she is safe and cared for and you could concentrate on having nice visits with her, taking her out if she enjoys that, and comforting her.
Even in a controlled environment she's likely to get angry with you at times. The only way you'll be able to cope with some peace of mind is to understand that she cannot help but feel anxious over change. Her environment doesn’t make much sense to her. She can't help this. Her brain is being destroyed by the disease.
You might want to get in touch with your local Alzheimer's organization and/or go to www.alz.org to learn more about the disease. The brain tour on this site is amazing.
Take care and please keep coming back here for support. Most of us have been in similar situations.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom seems to be having delusions. Is that a sign of dementia?
Yes, this seems to be a sign of either medication problems, an infection or dementia. She needs to see a doctor for a complete physical and... Yes, this seems to be a sign of either medication problems, an infection or dementia. She needs to see a doctor for a complete physical and likely a dementia specialist for a diagnosis. Please let us know how this works out. We're here to support you.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
We thought it would help my husband to be in an AL home as there are people he could visit with, but the next...
Feeling guilty when something we've done makes a loved one unhappy is normal, too. That doesn't mean it's wrong. As psteiegman... Feeling guilty when something we've done makes a loved one unhappy is normal, too. That doesn't mean it's wrong. As psteiegman says, you probably miss him. We hate to "disobey" our parents. All kinds of emotions work into this. In the end, you did the right thing.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
We thought it would help my husband to be in an AL home as there are people he could visit with, but the next...
Hi Roselitzinger, That is a perfectly normal reaction. Most people take time to adjust to change and elders may take even more time. Expect... Hi Roselitzinger,
That is a perfectly normal reaction. Most people take time to adjust to change and elders may take even more time. Expect a few weeks of anger, frustration and unhappiness. Gradually, he'll adjust and likely learn to love his new social life. You have the right idea. You just underestimated how hard even a good change can be on elderly people.
Take care,
Carol see more
That is a perfectly normal reaction. Most people take time to adjust to change and elders may take even more time. Expect a few weeks of anger, frustration and unhappiness. Gradually, he'll adjust and likely learn to love his new social life. You have the right idea. You just underestimated how hard even a good change can be on elderly people.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What kind of services are offered to seniors on low income (basically social security)?
Hi Junebugger, I just wanted to chime in here and let you know that these links are very helpful. It would be nice to tell everyone exactly... Hi Junebugger,
I just wanted to chime in here and let you know that these links are very helpful. It would be nice to tell everyone exactly what they can receive, but states vary greatly when it comes to available resources. Even communities within states vary. Going to your state website can help. If you type in the name of your state and the word "Aging" you will see many links to local resources. Combine that knowledge with what you've learned from these other links and you should feel pretty informed.
Please check back with us for more support. We'd love to hear from you.
Carol see more
I just wanted to chime in here and let you know that these links are very helpful. It would be nice to tell everyone exactly what they can receive, but states vary greatly when it comes to available resources. Even communities within states vary. Going to your state website can help. If you type in the name of your state and the word "Aging" you will see many links to local resources. Combine that knowledge with what you've learned from these other links and you should feel pretty informed.
Please check back with us for more support. We'd love to hear from you.
Carol see more
Question
How to convince Mom to make the decision to move to assisted living or get in home help?
Unfortunately, Soozieg is correct. This is sometimes the only option. It's painful for everyone involved, but the courts can't... Unfortunately, Soozieg is correct. This is sometimes the only option. It's painful for everyone involved, but the courts can't generally do much. Some states may give people more power with their POA than others, so I do think that ceedee may at least try talking with an attorney for one session. However, the chances are sadly on the side of needing to wait until something happens to force the move.
Thanks for chiming in, Soozieg.
Carol see more
Thanks for chiming in, Soozieg.
Carol see more
Question
How to convince Mom to make the decision to move to assisted living or get in home help?
First of all ceedee, you have no reason be feel ashamed about your thoughts. Your entire life has been about caregiving. It's time to... First of all ceedee, you have no reason be feel ashamed about your thoughts. Your entire life has been about caregiving.
It's time to tell your mother and your brothers that you have retired from caregiving. You deserve a life of your own. You can tell your mother that you'll visit her in assisted living but you won't cater to all of her needs as a single caregiver. Stick to your guns with your brothers, too. Tell them that they can are responsible if they won't help you find a solution.
If your brothers won't back you and get your mother paid help, then you could call your local social services and see if they can help. If they can’t do anything, then talk to an elder law attorney to see what you can do to ensure her safety. Since you have Power Of Attorney, an elder law attorney may be able to help you take some steps to move your mother or at least get her in-home help.
Sometimes, people must just wait until there's enough of an emergency to force the person to accept outside care. That's not a pleasant way to live, but it can sometimes be your only choice.
We’re all hoping that you can find a way to have some life for yourself, ceedee. You absolutely deserve it. Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
It's time to tell your mother and your brothers that you have retired from caregiving. You deserve a life of your own. You can tell your mother that you'll visit her in assisted living but you won't cater to all of her needs as a single caregiver. Stick to your guns with your brothers, too. Tell them that they can are responsible if they won't help you find a solution.
If your brothers won't back you and get your mother paid help, then you could call your local social services and see if they can help. If they can’t do anything, then talk to an elder law attorney to see what you can do to ensure her safety. Since you have Power Of Attorney, an elder law attorney may be able to help you take some steps to move your mother or at least get her in-home help.
Sometimes, people must just wait until there's enough of an emergency to force the person to accept outside care. That's not a pleasant way to live, but it can sometimes be your only choice.
We’re all hoping that you can find a way to have some life for yourself, ceedee. You absolutely deserve it. Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
The doctor does not want my mother to drive anymore. How do I take her keys away?
Yes, it will be. Have you checked with your local senior commission or your Area Agency on Aging? They may be able to give you some ideas... Yes, it will be. Have you checked with your local senior commission or your Area Agency on Aging? They may be able to give you some ideas for a little relief.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can my Mom come there temporarily to get stronger before going home from the hospital?
Thanks for your answer, Geewiz. I agree that either part of Jo2929's question was cut off or that she is under the impression that... Thanks for your answer, Geewiz. I agree that either part of Jo2929's question was cut off or that she is under the impression that Agingcare can provide housing. Agingcare does have a search function to help people find senior housing in their chosen areas, but the site is not connected to a physical facility.
Good luck, Jo2929!
Carol see more
Good luck, Jo2929!
Carol see more
Question
The doctor does not want my mother to drive anymore. How do I take her keys away?
It's important for you to research ways for your mother to go where she wants to go, whether that's senior transportation, a cab or... It's important for you to research ways for your mother to go where she wants to go, whether that's senior transportation, a cab or a bus. She needs her independence. You or another family member should also try to offer transportation. Maybe, if several of you are available, you can split it up.
One of the reasons that elders resist giving up the keys is that the very idea of not driving is so limiting. Help your mother find alternative transportation so that she's not isolated.
Then, contact your department of motor vehicles (DMV) and tell them what the doctor said. Ask them if they can demand a driving test for her. She may decide then not to bother with the test or she may take it and fail. Either way, it's likely her license won't be renewed.
Giving up driving is very hard on aging adults. It’s emotional and somewhat humiliating. Don’t expect this to be easy, but try to make it as smooth as possible.
Good luck,
Carol see more
One of the reasons that elders resist giving up the keys is that the very idea of not driving is so limiting. Help your mother find alternative transportation so that she's not isolated.
Then, contact your department of motor vehicles (DMV) and tell them what the doctor said. Ask them if they can demand a driving test for her. She may decide then not to bother with the test or she may take it and fail. Either way, it's likely her license won't be renewed.
Giving up driving is very hard on aging adults. It’s emotional and somewhat humiliating. Don’t expect this to be easy, but try to make it as smooth as possible.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Mom with Alzheimer's has "escaped" several times and neighbors or strangers have brought her back to my Dad. A...
Then, you parents can do things together without worrying about her.
Good luck. This is never easy but it sounds like in your case this is the right thing to do.
Carol see more