Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Where does the money come from to pay for the nursing home care?
You're welcome!
Best wishes. Please check back when you need a little support.
Carol
Best wishes. Please check back when you need a little support.
Carol
Question
Where does the money come from to pay for the nursing home care?
I would add to the good information from StandingAlone in that your mom could still live in the house until she dies even if Medicaid is... I would add to the good information from StandingAlone in that your mom could still live in the house until she dies even if Medicaid is paying for your dad's NH fees. After her death, the house needs to be sold to cover your dad's NH costs if he's been on Medicaid. So, no, she won't be kicked to the curb, but the house will have a lien on it.
If they put the house in your name now, and no one needs nursing home care for five years, then you'd be able to keep the money. That doesn't sound likely in this situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
If they put the house in your name now, and no one needs nursing home care for five years, then you'd be able to keep the money. That doesn't sound likely in this situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do we stop the phone calls?
I had to learn to only answer calls from my mother a set number of times before I'd ignore them for the day. However, she wasn't... I had to learn to only answer calls from my mother a set number of times before I'd ignore them for the day. However, she wasn't call 9-1-1.
For now, you need to turn off your phone at night so you can sleep.
However, after you are well, you may want to look into taking her to a doctor to be tested for dementia (if she hasn't already been tested). It sounds like she needs to be in a memory unit of some kind, either in assisted living or a nursing home. Then, she wouldn't have to have her phone.
My mom still kept her phone in the NH, but she wasn't as extreme as this. You really have to do something for your sake, but also for your neighbor, for the police and anyone else involved.
It's true that social services may have some other options, so it won't hurt to ask, but I do think your mom needs more supervision.
Good luck,
Carol see more
For now, you need to turn off your phone at night so you can sleep.
However, after you are well, you may want to look into taking her to a doctor to be tested for dementia (if she hasn't already been tested). It sounds like she needs to be in a memory unit of some kind, either in assisted living or a nursing home. Then, she wouldn't have to have her phone.
My mom still kept her phone in the NH, but she wasn't as extreme as this. You really have to do something for your sake, but also for your neighbor, for the police and anyone else involved.
It's true that social services may have some other options, so it won't hurt to ask, but I do think your mom needs more supervision.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom taking care of her unworking mother. Any advice?
If Grandma can be proven disabled (this takes time and depends on the state where you live), she would then receive some income and also... If Grandma can be proven disabled (this takes time and depends on the state where you live), she would then receive some income and also Medicaid.
I think since she's a citizen, she will qualify for some aid even without the disability. Please contact both Medicare and the Medicaid system in your state through Social Services. They may be able to help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I think since she's a citizen, she will qualify for some aid even without the disability. Please contact both Medicare and the Medicaid system in your state through Social Services. They may be able to help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I deal with my Mom who doesn't believe she has a memory problem and doesn't want anyone to keep her com...
Pstiegman has voiced the pain of many adult children. Sometimes you have no choice but to wait for the "incident" that will... Pstiegman has voiced the pain of many adult children. Sometimes you have no choice but to wait for the "incident" that will hospitalize your elder or put him or her in a nursing home. Occasionally, Social Services can help if a person lives alone and is in danger, but this depends a lot on where you live. Often, they can't do much, either.
Sometimes you can gain guardianship over the elder, but that is a long legal battle that can be expensive and emotionally exhausting for everyone. Unless the elder is diagnosed with an advanced stage of dementia, this move is unlikely to work.
Waiting for an elder to have an incident that can convince him or her that help is needed is agony for the family, but please don't feel guilty. Do what you can. Sometimes, that isn't enough to keep them safe but it's all you can do.
I had two similar situations - yes, I do feel your pain. We were fortunate in that the incidences were not horrible - just bad enough to make the move.
My best to both of you.
Carol see more
Sometimes you can gain guardianship over the elder, but that is a long legal battle that can be expensive and emotionally exhausting for everyone. Unless the elder is diagnosed with an advanced stage of dementia, this move is unlikely to work.
Waiting for an elder to have an incident that can convince him or her that help is needed is agony for the family, but please don't feel guilty. Do what you can. Sometimes, that isn't enough to keep them safe but it's all you can do.
I had two similar situations - yes, I do feel your pain. We were fortunate in that the incidences were not horrible - just bad enough to make the move.
My best to both of you.
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone have a recommendation for materials that improve memory and cognitive skills that are not computer...
Walking is definitely good, as is good nutrition. Vegetables and fruit high in antioxidants may help, as well. Nothing is certain, but... Walking is definitely good, as is good nutrition. Vegetables and fruit high in antioxidants may help, as well. Nothing is certain, but there are things we can try. see more
Question
Does anyone have a recommendation for materials that improve memory and cognitive skills that are not computer...
I'm not sure from your note whether you are looking for something to help someone with dementia or looking to prevent dementia. If the... I'm not sure from your note whether you are looking for something to help someone with dementia or looking to prevent dementia.
If the person already has Alzheimer's or another dementia, there are puzzles and other games on sites such as the ones mentioned by lily04 as well as alzstore.com. You can call your local Alzheimer's organization for recommendations as well.
If you want to improve your own mind, reading - even novels - can be excellent, as can challenging crossword puzzles and complicated physical puzzles.
The key is to do things differently, however, so even a crossword puzzle that is similar to the others becomes less of a challenge.
Experts often recommend just doing things in reverse, such as brushing your teeth left handed or reversing your morning routine in some way. All of this works to challenge the brain and jog it out of rote thinking. Developing a new hobby, volunteering and other social activities can help, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
If the person already has Alzheimer's or another dementia, there are puzzles and other games on sites such as the ones mentioned by lily04 as well as alzstore.com. You can call your local Alzheimer's organization for recommendations as well.
If you want to improve your own mind, reading - even novels - can be excellent, as can challenging crossword puzzles and complicated physical puzzles.
The key is to do things differently, however, so even a crossword puzzle that is similar to the others becomes less of a challenge.
Experts often recommend just doing things in reverse, such as brushing your teeth left handed or reversing your morning routine in some way. All of this works to challenge the brain and jog it out of rote thinking. Developing a new hobby, volunteering and other social activities can help, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom has signs of Dementia/Alzheimers. How do you deal with her not recognizing her 'stuff'?
Yes, it's very sad for both of you. You'll need to learn to cope with the fact that reasoning no longer works. Her reality is... Yes, it's very sad for both of you. You'll need to learn to cope with the fact that reasoning no longer works. Her reality is different now. I'm so happy that she still recognizes you! That's at least something for now.
As for her "stuff," you may just have to say that it really doesn't matter if she owns it since this is for her use. Yes, that will need to be repeated over and over.
As far as "am I losing my mind?" - So very, very sad. If it's any comfort it's almost easier when the person doesn't know that they are having these issues, and that time will come. You can comfort her best now by not tying to use logic, but go along with her when you can. If she repeats "am I losing my mind?" I'd simply say, not at all. "You are still you. It's just that your dementia has made some kinds of memory and thinking hard for you. That doesn't mean you're losing your mind."
Take care, Kukla77. Please keep coming back to agingcare for support. There are many in this wonderful community who can understand what you are coping with.
Carol see more
As for her "stuff," you may just have to say that it really doesn't matter if she owns it since this is for her use. Yes, that will need to be repeated over and over.
As far as "am I losing my mind?" - So very, very sad. If it's any comfort it's almost easier when the person doesn't know that they are having these issues, and that time will come. You can comfort her best now by not tying to use logic, but go along with her when you can. If she repeats "am I losing my mind?" I'd simply say, not at all. "You are still you. It's just that your dementia has made some kinds of memory and thinking hard for you. That doesn't mean you're losing your mind."
Take care, Kukla77. Please keep coming back to agingcare for support. There are many in this wonderful community who can understand what you are coping with.
Carol see more
Question
Will Medicare bill us for her bills after her death?
The "loan from the government" has been true for as long as Medicaid has been in existence. On February 8, 2006 the look-back... The "loan from the government" has been true for as long as Medicaid has been in existence. On February 8, 2006 the look-back time was changed from three years to five years. However, Medicaid has always been a program for the poor. This should have been explained to you somewhere along the line, since the fact that your mother's estate is responsible for the cost is really a shock for anyone who thinks otherwise. Once your mother's bills are paid, anything left is inheritance.
Even in states with a filial responsibility law on the book, the law is rarely (at this time) enforced. While our parents' care costs should rightly come from their assets, billing their children could put the family into bankruptcy, so I feel that the filial responsibility law is wrong. There's a big difference between paying from the assets of the people cared for and charging the family members.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Even in states with a filial responsibility law on the book, the law is rarely (at this time) enforced. While our parents' care costs should rightly come from their assets, billing their children could put the family into bankruptcy, so I feel that the filial responsibility law is wrong. There's a big difference between paying from the assets of the people cared for and charging the family members.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Any advice on independent in home health care for 72 year old mother addicted to prescription drugs?
You're welcome. We'd love to hear back from you to see how you are doing.
Best wishes,
Carol
Best wishes,
Carol
Question
Any advice on independent in home health care for 72 year old mother addicted to prescription drugs?
There are geriatric care managers in many communities who could take this over, though they can be expensive. You could check with the Area... There are geriatric care managers in many communities who could take this over, though they can be expensive.
You could check with the Area Agency on Aging for your mother's area or her state website - type "aging" in the search box with the state's name and you should find many helpful links. Start asking for help from these agencies and someone should be able to assist you in finding help for her.
Take care,
Carol see more
You could check with the Area Agency on Aging for your mother's area or her state website - type "aging" in the search box with the state's name and you should find many helpful links. Start asking for help from these agencies and someone should be able to assist you in finding help for her.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone dealing with pneumonia in elderly parents?
Good advice, as always, pstiegman! This is nearly always a good thing to do. The only down side can be with some asthma patients who can... Good advice, as always, pstiegman! This is nearly always a good thing to do. The only down side can be with some asthma patients who can have problems if humidity is very high. In this case, however, I'd think it could be helpful. I'd still have your mother checked out if you are afraid she is ill since she sounds quite vulnerable. It's also flu season so if she hasn't had a flu shot, you should check with her doctor about that.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Will Medicare bill us for her bills after her death?
If you mean Medicaid, they will bill her estate which is likely the properties you mention and maybe more. There's a five year... If you mean Medicaid, they will bill her estate which is likely the properties you mention and maybe more. There's a five year "look back" on her assets, so if you sold her properties now and she lived more than five years, anything prior to that five year range would not count.
Different states have different laws, and I'm not an expert on this, so you may here from one of our Medicare/Medicaid experts. The advice I gave is very general but I did want your question answered.
Take care,
Carol see more
Different states have different laws, and I'm not an expert on this, so you may here from one of our Medicare/Medicaid experts. The advice I gave is very general but I did want your question answered.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone dealing with pneumonia in elderly parents?
It's good that you are taking her to the doctor. Pneumonia takes the lives of many elderly people, so it's important to treat it... It's good that you are taking her to the doctor. Pneumonia takes the lives of many elderly people, so it's important to treat it quickly if she is otherwise in pretty good heath.
For someone in late stage dementia or another illness, pneumonia can sometimes be nature's way of taking elders without more prolonged suffering, but this does not sound like such a case. Good luck. I hope she gets better soon.
Carol see more
For someone in late stage dementia or another illness, pneumonia can sometimes be nature's way of taking elders without more prolonged suffering, but this does not sound like such a case. Good luck. I hope she gets better soon.
Carol see more
Question
Using toilet paper instead of incontinence pads. Any recommendations?
Excellent suggestion, Psteigman! Thanks for being such a wonderful part of our community!
Carol
Carol
Question
Using toilet paper instead of incontinence pads. Any recommendations?
Terrific point, Sheriw! If the doctor says so it's true mentality, even if the daughter said so earlier : )
Question
Using toilet paper instead of incontinence pads. Any recommendations?
I agree that this could be an issue with infection in that toilet paper may shred and some may stay inside of her. As to how to change... I agree that this could be an issue with infection in that toilet paper may shred and some may stay inside of her. As to how to change this, I say thank goodness she's seeing her doctor soon and you can address this issue! Whether or not she listens in another thing.
Your idea of limiting the toilet paper and leaving a pad in plain site sounds sensible to me. Please let us know if this works. This community is a huge help with practical issues as well as emotional support. I'm hoping someone in the community has other ideas for you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your idea of limiting the toilet paper and leaving a pad in plain site sounds sensible to me. Please let us know if this works. This community is a huge help with practical issues as well as emotional support. I'm hoping someone in the community has other ideas for you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Why would a nurse from a home care agency ask the patient if they're demented?
No, you aren't being too hard on anyone. It seems insensitive to me for someone to ask a person who obviously has dementia issues if... No, you aren't being too hard on anyone. It seems insensitive to me for someone to ask a person who obviously has dementia issues if they have them! They may be as honest in their answer as possible, but the answer is likely "no" simply because the person isn't aware of the illness.
I'm surprised that this has happened repeatedly unless the person you are caring for is in such an early stage that the dementia doesn't show. And since you are burned out to a point, it seems obvious that the person's dementia is advanced. I'd call the agency and ask why that particular question is asked. They may have an explanation that I can't think of.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'm surprised that this has happened repeatedly unless the person you are caring for is in such an early stage that the dementia doesn't show. And since you are burned out to a point, it seems obvious that the person's dementia is advanced. I'd call the agency and ask why that particular question is asked. They may have an explanation that I can't think of.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone know a forum like this for caregivers of partners?
I agree that you will likely find comfort on this site. I can, however, suggest wellspouse.org for spouses as an add-on. I have no... I agree that you will likely find comfort on this site. I can, however, suggest wellspouse.org for spouses as an add-on. I have no knowledge of how many partner/partner relationships are on the WSA site but you may want to check that out, too. I think it's often helpful to have a good mix of support, so please keep coming back to agingcare, as well. There are many caregiving spouses/partners in this community.
Carol see more
Carol see more
How do I keep from losing our house that's been paid for should my husband die before me?
Take care,
Carol see more