Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
I am caring for my friend (65) with health issues. I may have to pay for his funeral. Can I get a policy to...
Rosie has it pinned down. You will likely have problems finding a policy, but check anyway. Look for an insurance agent who brokers for... Rosie has it pinned down. You will likely have problems finding a policy, but check anyway. Look for an insurance agent who brokers for several companies so there are choices.
If you plan on doing this, you need to do it soon, as most companies aren't going to insure someone who has such a poor prognosis that they will die within a couple of months.
You are a wonderful friend to this person, but unless you have some legal agreement that makes you responsible for his debts, you won't actually be responsible to the burial. Yet, we all want a dignified end for our loved ones. Best wishes for you and your friend.
Carol see more
If you plan on doing this, you need to do it soon, as most companies aren't going to insure someone who has such a poor prognosis that they will die within a couple of months.
You are a wonderful friend to this person, but unless you have some legal agreement that makes you responsible for his debts, you won't actually be responsible to the burial. Yet, we all want a dignified end for our loved ones. Best wishes for you and your friend.
Carol see more
Question
Mom is very hard of hearing and wears a hearing aid. Recently she tells us she hears (very clearly) a mans voi...
I have heard stories about hearing aids picking up a radio signal but I'm not sure if that is true. Newer hearing aids are very... I have heard stories about hearing aids picking up a radio signal but I'm not sure if that is true. Newer hearing aids are very specialized. Since your mom is so specific about what she hears, it's not static, obviously. I'd just watch her closely. She may doze off or just become lonely and sleepy and either dream or imagine the voices.
Some dementia can cause people to hear a voice, but since she shows no other signs of an issue, there is likely some simpler explanation. Even so, I'd talk to her doctor about it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Some dementia can cause people to hear a voice, but since she shows no other signs of an issue, there is likely some simpler explanation. Even so, I'd talk to her doctor about it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are nursing homes really horrible? I've got to do smething.
Sandy, in most places nursing homes have made huge strides and are no longer the old stereotype that is likely in your mind. If I were you,... Sandy, in most places nursing homes have made huge strides and are no longer the old stereotype that is likely in your mind. If I were you, I'd visit some local nursing homes. I will say that some areas of the country have come father than others in elder care. Regardless of that fact, you really need to get help with your situation.
I agree with Blannie that you need interim help, too. Type you state name and the word "aging" into your browser. That should bring up your state site and some links where you'll find information you need. If you get to the wrong source, just ask for help finding support for caregivers.
In the end, a nursing home seems like a necessity. I hope you find a good one where you can visit often and keep an eye on things but also get your life and health back.
Take care of yourself by taking action,
Carol see more
I agree with Blannie that you need interim help, too. Type you state name and the word "aging" into your browser. That should bring up your state site and some links where you'll find information you need. If you get to the wrong source, just ask for help finding support for caregivers.
In the end, a nursing home seems like a necessity. I hope you find a good one where you can visit often and keep an eye on things but also get your life and health back.
Take care of yourself by taking action,
Carol see more
Question
I never asked to be caregiver, live near 90 and 92 yr old parents. They are not getting along and my siblings...
If they simply won't listen to you, call adult protective services and tell them the issues. They can do a welfare check to see if your... If they simply won't listen to you, call adult protective services and tell them the issues. They can do a welfare check to see if your parents can be forced to move. If SS people say they can't make your parents get help or move, you'll have to go through the agony of waiting until one of them is sick enough that there is no choice. That's rough on everyone, but elders have rights and sometimes that can mean very bad choices are made. However, you can't risk your own health to take care of them personally. Let them know that if they move, you'll be their advocate and helper (as much as you can).
Good luck. You aren't alone in this so please keep watching this forum to get thoughts from others.
Carol see more
Good luck. You aren't alone in this so please keep watching this forum to get thoughts from others.
Carol see more
Question
We are getting ready to clear my parents' home. It is cluttery and has bugs. Any suggestions?
It sounds like you already have a terrific plan. If you have trouble going through all of the possessions, there are professionals who can... It sounds like you already have a terrific plan. If you have trouble going through all of the possessions, there are professionals who can help you select what to keep and what to throw. As far as the house goes, often some paint and a professional carpet cleaning helps a lot (after debugging). Many times these small, older homes that elders have lived in for years make great "fixer uppers" for young families who are just starting out. Find a good realtor and see what he or she suggests.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How long should I let my dad stay in his own home?
You have an unfortunate, but common, situation. Change is tough - even frightening - as we age. It does sound like your dad should be in... You have an unfortunate, but common, situation. Change is tough - even frightening - as we age. It does sound like your dad should be in assisted living unless there's in-home care available to him now. If you keep stressing that you'll be able to visit often if he moves closer to you, maybe he'll at least consider it.
You probably can't force him to move, so try to wear him down. Sometimes people have to be frightened by a fall or something similar before they'll allow a move. That's sad and it's awful from the adult child's standpoint. I hope that your dad can be convinced of the wisdom of moving before something like that happens.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You probably can't force him to move, so try to wear him down. Sometimes people have to be frightened by a fall or something similar before they'll allow a move. That's sad and it's awful from the adult child's standpoint. I hope that your dad can be convinced of the wisdom of moving before something like that happens.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone have experience getting investment companies to accept my DPOA without providing proof of aunt's i...
I would have thought that your DPOA would be enough, but I agree it's good that they are cautious. I'd frankly ask the company what... I would have thought that your DPOA would be enough, but I agree it's good that they are cautious. I'd frankly ask the company what else is needed. You can't be in an unusual situation. Perhaps they need something from the doctor.
Good luck with this. Please keep in touch,
Carol see more
Good luck with this. Please keep in touch,
Carol see more
Question
Should we go on a cruise?
You may be able to swing this if you make certain that he can't slip out of your room while you sleep and that there is someone with... You may be able to swing this if you make certain that he can't slip out of your room while you sleep and that there is someone with him at all times so he doesn't get lost. How does he react to crowds and a lot of commotion? Will he enjoy it or get agitated? So much depends on the individual and his or her caregivers. Since he's looking forward to this, it would be nice if you could go. It could be his last one since his AD is progressive. Only you and his doctor can decide whether this is a good idea. Please keep his doctor in the loop.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it considered dangerous to drink soy milk?
Many people are sensitive to dairy products and rely on soy products as a substitute. Soy can also be a source of protein, especially when... Many people are sensitive to dairy products and rely on soy products as a substitute. Soy can also be a source of protein, especially when paired with the right foods.
While soy has isoflavones, which are chemically tied to estrogen, most studies have been done on rats and not translated to humans (yet). The results are unclear whether or not soy is bad for women who have a high risk of breast cancer. Soy is used in many packaged foods, so even if you avoid products such as soy milk you are likely getting some soy in your diet, therefore I'd stress that if you are worried, you talk with your doctor about your specific situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
While soy has isoflavones, which are chemically tied to estrogen, most studies have been done on rats and not translated to humans (yet). The results are unclear whether or not soy is bad for women who have a high risk of breast cancer. Soy is used in many packaged foods, so even if you avoid products such as soy milk you are likely getting some soy in your diet, therefore I'd stress that if you are worried, you talk with your doctor about your specific situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I'm getting depressed in helping my parents. They got themselves into a financial 'mess' and it makes me very...
Your mom and sister may not want to sell the cabin, but it sounds like the only way out. I agree with JessieBelle that a fee-only financial... Your mom and sister may not want to sell the cabin, but it sounds like the only way out. I agree with JessieBelle that a fee-only financial adviser who just charges a fee for giving advice may be worthwhile. Your mom and sister may not want to sell the cabin, but it sounds like the only way out.
I agree with JessieBelle that a fee-only financial adviser who just charges a fee for giving advice may be worthwhile. Don't get into something ongoing because that can end up costing people like your parents money that they can't afford. Check out The National Association of Personal Financial Advisors (NAPFA) at http://www.napfa.org/ for information.
Often, someone who is not a family member can help elders understand what needs to be done, because the family dynamic and suspicion of motives is removed. Please try to get your parents some professional guidance.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I agree with JessieBelle that a fee-only financial adviser who just charges a fee for giving advice may be worthwhile. Don't get into something ongoing because that can end up costing people like your parents money that they can't afford. Check out The National Association of Personal Financial Advisors (NAPFA) at http://www.napfa.org/ for information.
Often, someone who is not a family member can help elders understand what needs to be done, because the family dynamic and suspicion of motives is removed. Please try to get your parents some professional guidance.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Where do I go or what do I do to become my moms caregiver and get paid?
Hi Mona, In most states, you are unlikely to get paid unless your mom is already on Medicaid and it has been determined that she needs a... Hi Mona,
In most states, you are unlikely to get paid unless your mom is already on Medicaid and it has been determined that she needs a caregiver. If your mom only needs a caregiver because of the surgery, I'm sorry to say that you likely won't get paid. Generally, if you talk with the hospital doing the surgery, you can be directed to social services who can then set up some temporary services for your mom.
However, I don't want to discourage you from checking every resource available. The Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org) can give you more information about your community resources. Also, your state website is a good resource for finding local help. It would be wonderful if you could get paid during this time, so go after it. I'm simply trying to be realistic from what I know.
Good luck,
Carol see more
In most states, you are unlikely to get paid unless your mom is already on Medicaid and it has been determined that she needs a caregiver. If your mom only needs a caregiver because of the surgery, I'm sorry to say that you likely won't get paid. Generally, if you talk with the hospital doing the surgery, you can be directed to social services who can then set up some temporary services for your mom.
However, I don't want to discourage you from checking every resource available. The Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org) can give you more information about your community resources. Also, your state website is a good resource for finding local help. It would be wonderful if you could get paid during this time, so go after it. I'm simply trying to be realistic from what I know.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Why does social worker at nursing home keep trying to convince me I can't get guardianship?
I agree, as usual with the awesome Jeannegibbs. If the social worker is not also an attorney she shouldn't be advising you on this. You... I agree, as usual with the awesome Jeannegibbs. If the social worker is not also an attorney she shouldn't be advising you on this. You can get an elder law attorney for that. However, as Jeanne said, a good step is to contact the ombudsman for the home. This person is your mother's and your representative. You find him or her through your state website or by going on the site at www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code of the nursing home because that's this person's jurisdiction. You'll get good advice from this source.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Ever since my grandpa died, my uncle has not visited or talked my gram with dementia at all. How should my fam...
I agree with Jeanne - he needs to have a chance to explain. From what you said about his wife, my feeling is that she gives him trouble... I agree with Jeanne - he needs to have a chance to explain. From what you said about his wife, my feeling is that she gives him trouble when he visits his parents and now that the only parent left (his mother) has dementia, he figures he won't remember his visits, anyway. He's trying to choose the easiest way out.
If you (or someone else) can talk with him, maybe he'll explain or at least have the courage to face the reason he doesn't go to visit. In the end, he's the one that will suffer most once his mother passes.
His posts about family on Facebook sound hypocritical, and are to some degree, but he may justify it by saying he's doing what he has to in order to keep peace in his own little family.
Of course, his wife may not be the problem. Maybe he just doesn't want to go see his mother because it's difficult and that's all. Whatever the reason, both he and you deserve the opportunity to have a talk. Try to remain respectful but show that you are hurt by his actions and the rest of the family is too.
I hope for everyone's sake, he can at least compromise.
Take care,
Carol see more
If you (or someone else) can talk with him, maybe he'll explain or at least have the courage to face the reason he doesn't go to visit. In the end, he's the one that will suffer most once his mother passes.
His posts about family on Facebook sound hypocritical, and are to some degree, but he may justify it by saying he's doing what he has to in order to keep peace in his own little family.
Of course, his wife may not be the problem. Maybe he just doesn't want to go see his mother because it's difficult and that's all. Whatever the reason, both he and you deserve the opportunity to have a talk. Try to remain respectful but show that you are hurt by his actions and the rest of the family is too.
I hope for everyone's sake, he can at least compromise.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My friend is not getting the care he needs, the POA is just waiting for him to die. What can I do?
I agree with everything said. Call Adult Protective Services. This is not only misuse of funds. The nursing home is likely breaking a state... I agree with everything said. Call Adult Protective Services. This is not only misuse of funds. The nursing home is likely breaking a state law (depending on where the home is) by tying your friend to the bed. Physical restraints (and many chemical restraints) are no longer legal in most places. There are very specific things that can be done for safety, but I doubt that tying him to a bed is one of those.
Also, go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the home. You'll then find the contact who represents patients in the home. This ombudsman should be able to have this whole place looked into.
Thank you for caring so much,
Carol see more
Also, go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the home. You'll then find the contact who represents patients in the home. This ombudsman should be able to have this whole place looked into.
Thank you for caring so much,
Carol see more
Question
Can I take an elder to court for not paying for the care I have provided?
This happens often, in various configurations. People want to be kind and they step in to help, thinking this is a temporary situation.... This happens often, in various configurations. People want to be kind and they step in to help, thinking this is a temporary situation. Then years go on and the caregiver starts to feel taken advantage of. Lately caregiving has become a more visible issue, and those who would jump into these situations are becoming more aware of the possibility that they may feel "stuck" in the end.
In your case, you could ask for a consultation with an elder law attorney to see if you have a case. I'm guessing that unless you have a written contract you won't get far, however state laws vary and you may find that your claim has a legal basis.
Good luck,
Carol see more
In your case, you could ask for a consultation with an elder law attorney to see if you have a case. I'm guessing that unless you have a written contract you won't get far, however state laws vary and you may find that your claim has a legal basis.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Need help, asked new private caregivers to sign a contract.
Hi Elliebabe, You have a right to be tired. What you've got on your plate is too much for anybody. It does seem that something is... Hi Elliebabe,
You have a right to be tired. What you've got on your plate is too much for anybody.
It does seem that something is funny about the contract (many CNAs would love to make that kind of money), however, signing a private caregiver agreement makes sense, so working something out shouldn't be impossible. Since you are POA, you should be able to sign in place of your mother.
It's awful that you are on your own with this. Unfortunately, it's all too common.
Is there any way that you can move your mom near you (not in with you!)? Long-distance caregiving is so very difficult in these circumstances.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You have a right to be tired. What you've got on your plate is too much for anybody.
It does seem that something is funny about the contract (many CNAs would love to make that kind of money), however, signing a private caregiver agreement makes sense, so working something out shouldn't be impossible. Since you are POA, you should be able to sign in place of your mother.
It's awful that you are on your own with this. Unfortunately, it's all too common.
Is there any way that you can move your mom near you (not in with you!)? Long-distance caregiving is so very difficult in these circumstances.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom with dementia in NH on Medicaid is 300 miles from me. Can I have her moved closer to me?
Don't be sorry for the "rant." You had a lot to say and this is the right audience. I'd advise you to contact the... Don't be sorry for the "rant." You had a lot to say and this is the right audience. I'd advise you to contact the Medicaid people in your state and ask how this move can be accomplished. So much with Medicaid depends on the state and how open they are.
As far as the nursing home your mom is in, you can go to www.ltcombudsman.org and let them know about her condition. Type in the Zip code of the current nursing home. This contact may also be able to advise you about the chances of moving her.
Good luck,
Carol see more
As far as the nursing home your mom is in, you can go to www.ltcombudsman.org and let them know about her condition. Type in the Zip code of the current nursing home. This contact may also be able to advise you about the chances of moving her.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My aunt with advanced Parkinson's can't remember to take her diaper off AFTER she gets into her bathroom. What...
Parkinson's is often accompanied by dementia (two common types are Lewy body and Alzheimer's). The fact that she doesn't... Parkinson's is often accompanied by dementia (two common types are Lewy body and Alzheimer's). The fact that she doesn't understand and cannot explain why she does this or even why it's not okay suggests that she truly doesn't understand what people are talking about. Her short-term memory and/or her understanding of issues has been damaged. In this case, she's simply telling you her own truth.
This is tough for caregivers but no one's fault.
Likely the only true answer is to have her in an environment where she can be accompanied to the bathroom.
Take care,
Carol see more
This is tough for caregivers but no one's fault.
Likely the only true answer is to have her in an environment where she can be accompanied to the bathroom.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My healthy mom (81) started having dizzy spells, falling, & diarrhea. Docs can't find anything wrong. Does any...
My first thought is did she have a medication adjustment or change medications. My second thought is that as people age, they often need... My first thought is did she have a medication adjustment or change medications. My second thought is that as people age, they often need less medication to do the job. While I'm assuming the doctors addressed these issues, I felt it worth mentioning.
Testing for a UTI was good. A brain tumor could cause these symptoms, but the doctors likely considered that, too.
Something a bit simpler could be that if she's on a diuretic (water pill) for blood pressure she could simply be low on potassium. I've seen people hospitalized for several days before this simple fix was discovered.
I do hope the physicians can figure this out soon. Your mom sounds remarkable. Seeing her suffer the pain of broken ribs and other issues from falls must be hard on you all.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Testing for a UTI was good. A brain tumor could cause these symptoms, but the doctors likely considered that, too.
Something a bit simpler could be that if she's on a diuretic (water pill) for blood pressure she could simply be low on potassium. I've seen people hospitalized for several days before this simple fix was discovered.
I do hope the physicians can figure this out soon. Your mom sounds remarkable. Seeing her suffer the pain of broken ribs and other issues from falls must be hard on you all.
Good luck,
Carol see more
My parents are failing and sister has taken control of finances and possibly gotten POA. What can I do?
Take care,
Carol see more