Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do you find out what portion of a nursing home bill is covered by health insurance, Medicaid and Medicare?
Medicare and Medicaid are two different things. Most health insurances don't pay for long-term care. It needs to be a specific... Medicare and Medicaid are two different things. Most health insurances don't pay for long-term care. It needs to be a specific long-term care policy to do that. Medicare doesn't pay, either.
If your mother was impoverished enough to have been on Medicaid, the full amount should have been paid. How liable you are for her bills will depend on how bank accounts and assets were set up. If all financial sources were separate, you shouldn't be liable. If you blended finances, unfortunately, you may be. I'd check with a local elder law attorney.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If your mother was impoverished enough to have been on Medicaid, the full amount should have been paid. How liable you are for her bills will depend on how bank accounts and assets were set up. If all financial sources were separate, you shouldn't be liable. If you blended finances, unfortunately, you may be. I'd check with a local elder law attorney.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
A new normal, can worry go away?
Jeannegibbs is right on as always! Try to just go a day at a time. But, yes, some worry is your new normal. While you're in the thick... Jeannegibbs is right on as always! Try to just go a day at a time.
But, yes, some worry is your new normal. While you're in the thick of things, it's almost impossible not be be in a "pending crisis mode." That's simply realistic. Do try to dial it down by telling yourself that you will handle what comes the best way you know how. The important thing now is to transmit love and caring.
Try to enjoy your mom when you can and realize that if she won't do what is in her best interest, you likely can't make her. Fighting won't help. If you can work around her issues to some degree to keep her healthier, that's great. But she's very weak and becoming weaker. You can't make her well again. Enjoy what you can so that you can make some good memories to carry you through the tough part that is down the road.
Take care,
Carol see more
But, yes, some worry is your new normal. While you're in the thick of things, it's almost impossible not be be in a "pending crisis mode." That's simply realistic. Do try to dial it down by telling yourself that you will handle what comes the best way you know how. The important thing now is to transmit love and caring.
Try to enjoy your mom when you can and realize that if she won't do what is in her best interest, you likely can't make her. Fighting won't help. If you can work around her issues to some degree to keep her healthier, that's great. But she's very weak and becoming weaker. You can't make her well again. Enjoy what you can so that you can make some good memories to carry you through the tough part that is down the road.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If Mom has to go on Medicaid will they look back at past accounts we had together for the benefit of my daught...
I'd consul an elder law attorney in your state. You make a good case for this and didn't gain anything from the money yourself and... I'd consul an elder law attorney in your state. You make a good case for this and didn't gain anything from the money yourself and it's now in your daughters name. Likely, because of the circumstances, they will work something out.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My mom just entered a nursing home. Is there anything I should know about applying for Medicaid?
Gifts - even money - may be a problem, though it depends on where you live. If your mom doesn't have enough to pay the nursing home... Gifts - even money - may be a problem, though it depends on where you live. If your mom doesn't have enough to pay the nursing home costs, you need to call Social Services and set up an appointment to start the process. As mentioned by pstiegman, there's a five year look back on her finances, so the gifts will likely show up. Much will depend on the amount. The only thing to do is to start the process unless you think the money coming in will pay her bills. If you have a complicated situation, please contact an elder law attorney who knows Medicaid rules in your state. That may prove very helpful.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does the office of the aging help a 63 yr. old, who has no health insurance get medical attention?
I agree that she should apply for Medicaid. Meanwhile, see if you have a community Free Clinic. Many communities do. You could try calling... I agree that she should apply for Medicaid. Meanwhile, see if you have a community Free Clinic. Many communities do. You could try calling Social Services. They would probably know. If there's an emergency, she can go to ER. They have to treat her.
Good luck. Please help her get the Medicare work started right away (through Social Services).
Carol see more
Good luck. Please help her get the Medicare work started right away (through Social Services).
Carol see more
Question
What can the assisted living facility do to my mom if she refuses to shower for weeks on end?
It's not likely to be a health issue for quite awhile, but I'd say bathe here whenever she's cooperative. Make it as pleasant... It's not likely to be a health issue for quite awhile, but I'd say bathe here whenever she's cooperative. Make it as pleasant as possible (temperature, relaxed atmosphere). Also, there are good wipes and dry shampoos that spray on so she can be freshened up.
As far as can they move her because of that, I suppose they can, but it may depend on where you live. You can check with the long-term care ombudsman for that area at ltcombudsman.org. Type in the AL Zip code. These people are experts on such topics.
Take care,
Carol see more
As far as can they move her because of that, I suppose they can, but it may depend on where you live. You can check with the long-term care ombudsman for that area at ltcombudsman.org. Type in the AL Zip code. These people are experts on such topics.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom doesn't want to go to an old age home but I cannot mentally handle caring for her anymore. How can I convi...
You've got a lot to handle, Marlene and you are anything but selfish! Your mom needs to go to a nursing home. This time, don't... You've got a lot to handle, Marlene and you are anything but selfish! Your mom needs to go to a nursing home. This time, don't bring her home after a week. It almost always takes time for people to adjust to this kind of change, so you'll have to just be matter of fact about it and tell her that things will get better as she adjusts. Once she knows she's staying, she may be fine.
She's had several moves considering that your brother also had her living with him for five months. It's rarely positive to move people with AD any more than necessary, since each time is a huge adjustment. The confusion and anxiety that accompany AD makes each change hard. You and your mom will be better off if you can place her in a good nursing home. No guilt allowed on your part. This is a move for all of you.
Take care,
Carol see more
She's had several moves considering that your brother also had her living with him for five months. It's rarely positive to move people with AD any more than necessary, since each time is a huge adjustment. The confusion and anxiety that accompany AD makes each change hard. You and your mom will be better off if you can place her in a good nursing home. No guilt allowed on your part. This is a move for all of you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom is so negative all the time, no one will call her any more. How do we handle this?
Sad to say, complaining makes some people "happy." The only way that I can see you handling this with any serenity is to not buy... Sad to say, complaining makes some people "happy." The only way that I can see you handling this with any serenity is to not buy into her complaints (except for legitimate ones).
Try to ignore her negativity and realize that you can't make her happy - no one can. Once you accept that, it won't be quite as hard to cope with. You are not failing in any way. She is just taking out her frustration, anger, low self-esteem or whatever else is in her makeup on you and others.
Good luck. I know it's hard. But this seems like a case of recognizing that you can't change others, but you can change your reaction to them.
Carol see more
Try to ignore her negativity and realize that you can't make her happy - no one can. Once you accept that, it won't be quite as hard to cope with. You are not failing in any way. She is just taking out her frustration, anger, low self-esteem or whatever else is in her makeup on you and others.
Good luck. I know it's hard. But this seems like a case of recognizing that you can't change others, but you can change your reaction to them.
Carol see more
Question
I didn't honor my husbands last wishes and am trying to live with the regret. Is there a way to find peace wit...
Doreen, I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but you did fine. Your husband could never have known how it would all end. He likely... Doreen, I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but you did fine. Your husband could never have known how it would all end. He likely thought that they would try to "save" him. I expect that he received palliative care at the hospital so the only difference was that he was in a hospital unit and not at home.
Sometimes, things go faster than we can keep up with. There is no need for guilt. You did honor his wishes - but neither of you had a playbook, so you had to punt. You did you best and he died with Family, friends and spiritual support. Just because it was in the hospital and not at home isn't failing following his wishes. Please talk this through with your pastor or a grief counselor. You need to let go of your unearned guilt.
Take care of yourself, now. You have earned some self time.
Carol see more
Sometimes, things go faster than we can keep up with. There is no need for guilt. You did honor his wishes - but neither of you had a playbook, so you had to punt. You did you best and he died with Family, friends and spiritual support. Just because it was in the hospital and not at home isn't failing following his wishes. Please talk this through with your pastor or a grief counselor. You need to let go of your unearned guilt.
Take care of yourself, now. You have earned some self time.
Carol see more
Question
Tramadol Slow Release or Quick Release?
My own experience with slow release is exactly what you are talking about. I've yet to find a medication that releases so evenly that... My own experience with slow release is exactly what you are talking about. I've yet to find a medication that releases so evenly that you're getting a full dose all the way to the end, and you won't be able to take more until your time is up.
Much depends on your own preferences. Time-release would be better for nights, I suppose. Longer acting could help. Tramadol is a good drug for people in your situation. Talk with your pharmacist and see what he or she thinks.
Take care,
Carol see more
Much depends on your own preferences. Time-release would be better for nights, I suppose. Longer acting could help. Tramadol is a good drug for people in your situation. Talk with your pharmacist and see what he or she thinks.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What kinds of questions should I ask at my dad's care plan meeting this afternoon?
Blannie had great suggestions. You need to know what the prognosis is. What kind of help he'll need and what limitations he'll... Blannie had great suggestions. You need to know what the prognosis is. What kind of help he'll need and what limitations he'll have. Medication knowledge is essential, especially any recent changes.
I hope you have all of the legal paperwork in place so that you can make decisions for your dad about his health. It sounds like you do, since you're going to this meeting, but do ask at the meeting in case there's something else that should be in place.
Most likely, they will have directions and printouts for you. When you look the information over, you'll think of more questions. Make sure you get the names of the people in the meeting and the contact numbers in case you think of other questions.
Take care and best wishes. We'd love to hear back about how you are doing,
Carol see more
I hope you have all of the legal paperwork in place so that you can make decisions for your dad about his health. It sounds like you do, since you're going to this meeting, but do ask at the meeting in case there's something else that should be in place.
Most likely, they will have directions and printouts for you. When you look the information over, you'll think of more questions. Make sure you get the names of the people in the meeting and the contact numbers in case you think of other questions.
Take care and best wishes. We'd love to hear back about how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
Mother in law (94) has to move from apt., home being sold. She's very difficult, how can I talk to her about a...
I'm so sorry! Your family really has a lot to cope with. I agree that calling your county social services would like be the best... I'm so sorry! Your family really has a lot to cope with.
I agree that calling your county social services would like be the best thing. A woman that age with health problems and little money will qualify for Medicaid which would pay the nursing home costs. She will fight anything you do, so you need to get professionals involved and let them take over. She may adjust eventually, once she knows that she can't change her situation.
Good luck to you all with your own health issues.
Carol see more
I agree that calling your county social services would like be the best thing. A woman that age with health problems and little money will qualify for Medicaid which would pay the nursing home costs. She will fight anything you do, so you need to get professionals involved and let them take over. She may adjust eventually, once she knows that she can't change her situation.
Good luck to you all with your own health issues.
Carol see more
Question
Are there Kinship services for grandparents raising grandchildren?
None that I know of, but it's a valid and interesting question. Keep watching for people from other communities to chime in. Take care,... None that I know of, but it's a valid and interesting question. Keep watching for people from other communities to chime in.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My mom is 84 and doesn't have enough Medicare to cover rehab from a stroke. Is it too late to get more coverag...
I'm so sorry you have to cope with this after such a shock. Medicaid will not take her home if she plans to return to it. If she... I'm so sorry you have to cope with this after such a shock.
Medicaid will not take her home if she plans to return to it. If she doesn't, since it is an asset, you may have to sell it to help pay bills. But if she may go home, the house will stay though Medicaid will put a lien against it if the other money runs out.
No Medicare policy pays for long-term care and no other insurance would take her. So, your best bet is to start talking to Medicaid. There is a lot of paperwork, but you can get through it. Once it's done, your mom should get the benefits.
Every state is a little different with Medicaid, so please get started so you know where she stands.
Take care,
Carol see more
Medicaid will not take her home if she plans to return to it. If she doesn't, since it is an asset, you may have to sell it to help pay bills. But if she may go home, the house will stay though Medicaid will put a lien against it if the other money runs out.
No Medicare policy pays for long-term care and no other insurance would take her. So, your best bet is to start talking to Medicaid. There is a lot of paperwork, but you can get through it. Once it's done, your mom should get the benefits.
Every state is a little different with Medicaid, so please get started so you know where she stands.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom is a veteran's spouse with Alzheimer's, doctor says she can no longer live alone. Will VA pay for caregive...
That depends somewhat on where you live as well as your mother's financial situation. I'd say don't count on it, but it's... That depends somewhat on where you live as well as your mother's financial situation. I'd say don't count on it, but it's very worth your while to check. Many veteran's benefits go unused. Call your local vets representative and see what hoops you need to jump through.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Guilt regret, hurt and feeling hopeless! How can I cope?
Zoo, regret, grief and even anger fit here - certainly not guilt. No one could have done more than you've done. The resentment is human... Zoo, regret, grief and even anger fit here - certainly not guilt. No one could have done more than you've done. The resentment is human and you'll have to feel it and accept it before you can let it go. You acknowledge the fact that you need to let it go, but allow yourself to grieve.
It sounds like your former employer was extremely unfair since you had the vacation coming. This really is a nightmare for you. Also, with the Family Leave Act, many are granting unpaid leave for elder care. Obviously your former employer wasn't one of those. I'm so sorry.
The fact that you had everything arranged for your parents 3 years ago makes this even more frustrating.
One huge issue for many caregivers is that we can give up nearly everything to care for our parents and then those with dementia, which is many, don't remember a thing. So, we can't do this to receive their appreciation.
Try to take one step at a time. Do your best to detach from your parents' problems as your drive away toward your home and lost job. Seek the help of friends when you get home to shore up your grief and maybe help you land a new job. Check on your parents when you can. You've set up a support system for them, so now it's time for you to concentrate on you.
Wishing you the best in finding a superior job and a better life. We're cheering for you and would love to hear back.
Carol see more
It sounds like your former employer was extremely unfair since you had the vacation coming. This really is a nightmare for you. Also, with the Family Leave Act, many are granting unpaid leave for elder care. Obviously your former employer wasn't one of those. I'm so sorry.
The fact that you had everything arranged for your parents 3 years ago makes this even more frustrating.
One huge issue for many caregivers is that we can give up nearly everything to care for our parents and then those with dementia, which is many, don't remember a thing. So, we can't do this to receive their appreciation.
Try to take one step at a time. Do your best to detach from your parents' problems as your drive away toward your home and lost job. Seek the help of friends when you get home to shore up your grief and maybe help you land a new job. Check on your parents when you can. You've set up a support system for them, so now it's time for you to concentrate on you.
Wishing you the best in finding a superior job and a better life. We're cheering for you and would love to hear back.
Carol see more
Question
How do I respond to boundary stomping MIL?
If you can give her little snatches of information from time to time, she may feel included, which could stop some of her meddling. She... If you can give her little snatches of information from time to time, she may feel included, which could stop some of her meddling. She lives physically too close which is part of the problem so she sees things that she wouldn’t know about in another situation. I think you’ll have to bend some to acknowledge that.
If your husband can gently tell her (repeatedly is necessary) that he understands her need to worry but that it's not healthy for an adult to have his mother involved so closely in his life, she may back off for a time. Yet the problem won’t end.
The saying goes that you can't change other people - you can only change how you react to them. Try to get to a point where you can basically not react to her interference. This won't be easy, but if you don't this will be a continual irritant.
She’s lonely, she’s snoopy, but she’s his mother. Know that this is how she’ll act, don’t buy into it by arguing - just say that you’ll let her know if there’s anything serious happening, and then try feeding her some little scraps of information about your lives, as well.
Perhaps you can make this situation a bit more comfortable if you compromise. Include her but don’t let her run your lives. Finding a balance is often what we need to solve problems. see more
If your husband can gently tell her (repeatedly is necessary) that he understands her need to worry but that it's not healthy for an adult to have his mother involved so closely in his life, she may back off for a time. Yet the problem won’t end.
The saying goes that you can't change other people - you can only change how you react to them. Try to get to a point where you can basically not react to her interference. This won't be easy, but if you don't this will be a continual irritant.
She’s lonely, she’s snoopy, but she’s his mother. Know that this is how she’ll act, don’t buy into it by arguing - just say that you’ll let her know if there’s anything serious happening, and then try feeding her some little scraps of information about your lives, as well.
Perhaps you can make this situation a bit more comfortable if you compromise. Include her but don’t let her run your lives. Finding a balance is often what we need to solve problems. see more
Question
Letting grandpa visit his own home. Is this a bad idea?
I'd avoid it unless he insists on doing so. Most likely seeing the old house will just serve to confuse him and upset him. I can see... I'd avoid it unless he insists on doing so. Most likely seeing the old house will just serve to confuse him and upset him. I can see why your mom wants him to see it "one last time" for sentimental reasons, but that doesn't sound like the best approach for him, especially considering the Alzheimer’s disease.
If I'm understanding this right, he's already moved twice - once from his home to AL, and then to a nursing home. For someone that age - especially someone with dementia - that's a lot of changing of environment. He may think he's moving back to the house, or that he should move back. His reaction is hard to predict but it’s risky in my opinion.
I can't say for sure it would have a negative effect, of course, but I think you are right to question it. If I were in this situation, I would not do it.
Good luck whichever way it goes,
Carol see more
If I'm understanding this right, he's already moved twice - once from his home to AL, and then to a nursing home. For someone that age - especially someone with dementia - that's a lot of changing of environment. He may think he's moving back to the house, or that he should move back. His reaction is hard to predict but it’s risky in my opinion.
I can't say for sure it would have a negative effect, of course, but I think you are right to question it. If I were in this situation, I would not do it.
Good luck whichever way it goes,
Carol see more
Question
My Mother just passed, should I tell my Father?
Hi Marguerite, I'm sorry about your mother and also very sympathetic about your circumstances. In a few words, my feelings are that you... Hi Marguerite,
I'm sorry about your mother and also very sympathetic about your circumstances. In a few words, my feelings are that you tell your father once, then begin to dissemble. This way you are respecting the marriage without causing him undue pain. You may want to read more in this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/telling-someone-with-dementia-their-spouse-died-133806.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
I'm sorry about your mother and also very sympathetic about your circumstances. In a few words, my feelings are that you tell your father once, then begin to dissemble. This way you are respecting the marriage without causing him undue pain. You may want to read more in this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/telling-someone-with-dementia-their-spouse-died-133806.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Mom's in a nursing home and her residence is not paid for. They tell me I can't rent it nor let it be foreclos...
Good luck,
Carol see more