Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
When the money is gone who pays the nursing home, or will I be expected to take care of her?
It sounds like you may be ready to start the Medicaid application process. It takes awhile, so don't wait too long to get started. If... It sounds like you may be ready to start the Medicaid application process. It takes awhile, so don't wait too long to get started. If your loved one's money is running low, the time to start is now. Medicaid will then take over payments, if the nursing home accepts Medicaid. Most have "Medicaid beds", but you may have to wait for one to become available. Good luck,
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Question
What is the process to be able to take my small, friendly dog to assisted living/nursing homes for visits with...
It's very kind of you to want to do this. Just call the administrator and ask what their policy is. When my dad was in a local nursing... It's very kind of you to want to do this. Just call the administrator and ask what their policy is. When my dad was in a local nursing home, if I saw anyone with a pet, I'd ask them if they could stop by Dad's room. It meant a lot to him, especially when it was a dog, and most people were very willing.
The Eden Alternative is one group that actively promotes having animals around for the residents, though many other homes do, as well. Please follow through. Each home is different, so you'll have to call around.
Take care - and thanks for caring!
Carol see more
The Eden Alternative is one group that actively promotes having animals around for the residents, though many other homes do, as well. Please follow through. Each home is different, so you'll have to call around.
Take care - and thanks for caring!
Carol see more
Question
How can I cope with all this sadness?
I’m so sorry, Mythyme. The natural way to live life is for our children to outlive us, so you are coping with a situation that defies logic... I’m so sorry, Mythyme. The natural way to live life is for our children to outlive us, so you are coping with a situation that defies logic and nature.
You have many, many other issues from brain chemistry imbalance (depression, anxiety, insomnia) to extreme physical pain with your fibromyalgia. On top of that, you are a caregiver for your husband. You must be incredibly strong to have handled so much and still have the strength and courage to reach out for help through counseling and here online.
The fact that you can't share your grief over your son with your husband has to be like a knife to the heart. I'm sure that just intensifies your loneliness.
How to cope?
You've been around long enough to know that life can be harder than many of us ever expect, yet it can also give us moments of joy. Hard as it is to start, a "gratitude list" can eventually help us with many of our worst struggles. Sometimes, in instances like yours, there doesn't seem much to be grateful for, but you did have your son for a long time. You also have a loving son who took time from his job and family to mourn with you. That is something.
Could you try another counselor? Sometimes one counselor may be able to help when another couldn't. It’s often a matter of chemistry rather than training. Also, if you belong to a church, you may want to see if they have a Stephen Ministry. These lay ministers are trained to help people with mourning.
I’d also suggest that you go online to www.compassionatefriends.org. This is an organization for people who have lost children, and some communities have meetings. As with so many things, no one can truly understand unless they have experienced what we have experienced. These people have been where you are.
You need to cry. You need to talk to someone who will just listen, even if it's a paid counselor. Maybe this extra step of communicating with people who have lost children will help a bit more.
Eventually, to get on with life, you'll need to come to some kind of acceptance that your son was a wonderful gift for you throughout the years. If you have some
faith (which can be hard to keep in these dark times) you may find comfort knowing that your son is now beyond pain.
Your courage is evident, my friend. Please keep reaching out as you are now. The pain will not disappear – ever. But it can become bearable over time.
Carol see more
You have many, many other issues from brain chemistry imbalance (depression, anxiety, insomnia) to extreme physical pain with your fibromyalgia. On top of that, you are a caregiver for your husband. You must be incredibly strong to have handled so much and still have the strength and courage to reach out for help through counseling and here online.
The fact that you can't share your grief over your son with your husband has to be like a knife to the heart. I'm sure that just intensifies your loneliness.
How to cope?
You've been around long enough to know that life can be harder than many of us ever expect, yet it can also give us moments of joy. Hard as it is to start, a "gratitude list" can eventually help us with many of our worst struggles. Sometimes, in instances like yours, there doesn't seem much to be grateful for, but you did have your son for a long time. You also have a loving son who took time from his job and family to mourn with you. That is something.
Could you try another counselor? Sometimes one counselor may be able to help when another couldn't. It’s often a matter of chemistry rather than training. Also, if you belong to a church, you may want to see if they have a Stephen Ministry. These lay ministers are trained to help people with mourning.
I’d also suggest that you go online to www.compassionatefriends.org. This is an organization for people who have lost children, and some communities have meetings. As with so many things, no one can truly understand unless they have experienced what we have experienced. These people have been where you are.
You need to cry. You need to talk to someone who will just listen, even if it's a paid counselor. Maybe this extra step of communicating with people who have lost children will help a bit more.
Eventually, to get on with life, you'll need to come to some kind of acceptance that your son was a wonderful gift for you throughout the years. If you have some
faith (which can be hard to keep in these dark times) you may find comfort knowing that your son is now beyond pain.
Your courage is evident, my friend. Please keep reaching out as you are now. The pain will not disappear – ever. But it can become bearable over time.
Carol see more
Question
Do you give your parent with alz or LBD money in their nursing home?
Oh, my, I got teary reading this. You really have your hands full. It would certainly be easier to have everyone in the same nursing home... Oh, my, I got teary reading this. You really have your hands full. It would certainly be easier to have everyone in the same nursing home (I had three at one time). You must be run ragged.
My solution to my dad's wanting money came down to me making him "business cards" to keep in his pocket. A lot of experimentation went into this including giving him money (not good), giving him an expired credit card and other things I don't even remember. But the business cards helped. He gave them out to anyone he thought he should pay. This won't work for everyone, but it's worth a try.
Haldol. Hmmm. My memories of when they tried that after my dad's brain surgery still bring anger when I allow it. It made him paranoid and frightened. For him, it was an awful drug. I hope some solution can help you with this for your sake as much as for his.
Take care,
Carol see more
My solution to my dad's wanting money came down to me making him "business cards" to keep in his pocket. A lot of experimentation went into this including giving him money (not good), giving him an expired credit card and other things I don't even remember. But the business cards helped. He gave them out to anyone he thought he should pay. This won't work for everyone, but it's worth a try.
Haldol. Hmmm. My memories of when they tried that after my dad's brain surgery still bring anger when I allow it. It made him paranoid and frightened. For him, it was an awful drug. I hope some solution can help you with this for your sake as much as for his.
Take care,
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Question
Dad refuses to let anyone clean out his 2 car garage so the car can be inside to avoid scraping snow off. What...
Hi Sandra, StandingAlone gave you some great advice. I'd at least try that approach. Giving your dad choices is important. His... Hi Sandra,
StandingAlone gave you some great advice. I'd at least try that approach. Giving your dad choices is important. His attitude could be the start of dementia, or it could be just that elders often get tired of being told what to do. But since he challenges all authority, dementia may be an issue.
For your current problem, if he refuses the alternate approach of his very own storage shed to the car can be in the garage, then maybe you should chat with the fire department. If they have a reason, they could be able to help by investigating and telling him he needs to move his stuff (to a shed?).
Good luck. I'm sorry to say that you've only just begun, so please keep coming back.
Carol see more
StandingAlone gave you some great advice. I'd at least try that approach. Giving your dad choices is important. His attitude could be the start of dementia, or it could be just that elders often get tired of being told what to do. But since he challenges all authority, dementia may be an issue.
For your current problem, if he refuses the alternate approach of his very own storage shed to the car can be in the garage, then maybe you should chat with the fire department. If they have a reason, they could be able to help by investigating and telling him he needs to move his stuff (to a shed?).
Good luck. I'm sorry to say that you've only just begun, so please keep coming back.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help my husband cope?
Amazing advice from all of you. And yes - do not take his mom into your home. In this case it just won't work. You two need to take... Amazing advice from all of you. And yes - do not take his mom into your home. In this case it just won't work. You two need to take care of yourselves and your marriage as well as his mom. That likely means some type of assisted living, so now is the time to research.
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Question
What do you do when your parents who are bankrupt will not do what is necessary to enroll in Medicaid?
They are likely too confused by the substantial paperwork needed to qualify and might not want to admit it. Also, they may feel ashamed of... They are likely too confused by the substantial paperwork needed to qualify and might not want to admit it. Also, they may feel ashamed of their financial situation and think that Medicaid has a stigma. Either way, they need help.
If they won't let you help, maybe a good friend of theirs can work through it with them. You could contact social services and see if there are volunteers who can help elders needing to do this paperwork, as well. This can't be a rare problem.
Good luck,
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If they won't let you help, maybe a good friend of theirs can work through it with them. You could contact social services and see if there are volunteers who can help elders needing to do this paperwork, as well. This can't be a rare problem.
Good luck,
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Question
I just found out the NH has my husband on 17 different medications and he's lost 3 pounds in one month. What...
Thanks for coming back! I agree that this is likely excessive medication. The NH staff members are likely trying their best, but generally... Thanks for coming back!
I agree that this is likely excessive medication. The NH staff members are likely trying their best, but generally the doctors only see residents occasionally, with Physician's Assistants or NPs seeing them maybe once a week. This could be a situation with either too few people overseeing the situation or an overworked doctor just prescribing medications based solely on symptoms without doing a thorough medical history.
The attending physician should be able to tell you exactly what your husband is on and why. All too often medications are given to counteract negative side effects of other medications. This is not always bad, but it depends a great deal on the circumstances.
Considering the fact that your husband was on very little medication when he entered the nursing home, I'd suggest that your husband see a doctor not attached to the NH. They may have to wean him off of some drugs and then start from scratch. At the very least, a second opinion is needed. Good luck and take care of yourself,
Carol see more
I agree that this is likely excessive medication. The NH staff members are likely trying their best, but generally the doctors only see residents occasionally, with Physician's Assistants or NPs seeing them maybe once a week. This could be a situation with either too few people overseeing the situation or an overworked doctor just prescribing medications based solely on symptoms without doing a thorough medical history.
The attending physician should be able to tell you exactly what your husband is on and why. All too often medications are given to counteract negative side effects of other medications. This is not always bad, but it depends a great deal on the circumstances.
Considering the fact that your husband was on very little medication when he entered the nursing home, I'd suggest that your husband see a doctor not attached to the NH. They may have to wean him off of some drugs and then start from scratch. At the very least, a second opinion is needed. Good luck and take care of yourself,
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Question
What problems do you have with with transporting your loved one to the doctors?
Heather, You are very right when you say that independence is key to our aging loved ones. I was the driver for my loved ones except when a... Heather, You are very right when you say that independence is key to our aging loved ones. I was the driver for my loved ones except when a wheelchair was necessary all of the time. Then I rode with them in a paratransit bus. Expensive but it worked. I hope you hear about some other ideas.
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Question
Can you get someone help at home if they only have Medicare?
Bookluvr is right. Medicare won't pay for what is considered custodial care. They will only pay for nursing care out of the hospital.... Bookluvr is right. Medicare won't pay for what is considered custodial care. They will only pay for nursing care out of the hospital. If she has long-term care insurance, they may cover part of the cost. But do give Medicare a call or go to Medicare.gov. There's a lot of information on that site.
You can also go to your state website and type in "aging services". Follow all of the links. Your state may offer some help with respite care.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You can also go to your state website and type in "aging services". Follow all of the links. Your state may offer some help with respite care.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I talk to Mom about needing someone to live with her?
It does sound as if your mom may be getting a little paranoid which can be a sign of dementia. It would be good to have her see a doctor... It does sound as if your mom may be getting a little paranoid which can be a sign of dementia. It would be good to have her see a doctor for a full evaluation.
Does she have any close friends that maybe can talk with her about the wisdom of having her nephew and his wife live with her? If you can get her in for a diagnosis, and it's determined that she has dementia, you could try to bluff her by saying she can either have her nephew and his wife live with her or she can move to assisted living. If given a choice, she may be more willing.
Good luck with this said problem. It sounds as if everyone is trying to do the right thing.
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Does she have any close friends that maybe can talk with her about the wisdom of having her nephew and his wife live with her? If you can get her in for a diagnosis, and it's determined that she has dementia, you could try to bluff her by saying she can either have her nephew and his wife live with her or she can move to assisted living. If given a choice, she may be more willing.
Good luck with this said problem. It sounds as if everyone is trying to do the right thing.
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Question
My elderly mother has cut me out of her life. What can I do?
This is incredibly sad. From my viewpoint, you may do best by just staying out of her life for now. Try to keep some kind of soft spot for... This is incredibly sad. From my viewpoint, you may do best by just staying out of her life for now. Try to keep some kind of soft spot for a time when she may need help and will accept it, but since you've tried doctors and social services and get nowhere, you may have to leave her to her own devices. Perhaps if she once understands that she's cut everyone out of her life, she'll be ready to get some help. Bless you for trying so hard. I hope you can carry on with your own life with some serenity. Actually, I'd suggest counseling for awhile to help you deal with the terrible situation.
Take care of yourself,
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Take care of yourself,
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Question
Is there a list of questions I should ask myself or my family before my mother moves in?
Perseverance gave some exceptional advice. I'd suggest that you read the following article on agingcare.com. It may help.... Perseverance gave some exceptional advice. I'd suggest that you read the following article on agingcare.com. It may help.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/preparing-for-a-parent-living-with-you-138793.htm
Take care,
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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/preparing-for-a-parent-living-with-you-138793.htm
Take care,
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Question
Siblings plotting behind the scenes, does the majority rule?
If your POA was notarized or signed by an attorney it's legal and your siblings can't just sell the house without your parents or... If your POA was notarized or signed by an attorney it's legal and your siblings can't just sell the house without your parents or or your signature. As far as your siblings working against you, try your best to get them to understand your parents wishes. A family mediator is often a middle point between doing nothing and legal action. You could check social services to see if they can recommend one. This impartial person can often bring peace to family chaos.
Good luck. You sound very caring,
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Good luck. You sound very caring,
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Question
Journaling for doctor to determine dementia in mother. How do I begin?
Hi skyisblue, I'd begin by just being very practical. Start by entering exactly what you wrote here (maybe leave out the part about the... Hi skyisblue,
I'd begin by just being very practical. Start by entering exactly what you wrote here (maybe leave out the part about the doctor being a friend and all). Note each time your mom is not "in reality" or has memory issues.
I agree that some of her behavior is likely from grief. But an emotional shock, such as your dad's death, could have pushed her over into a later stage of dementia where the symptoms now are obvious. Dementia takes decades to develop, but any trauma can push the person further into the disease.
Do take her (and your journal) to a neurologist who has no family connection. I think, with all of her medical problems, that your time as a sole caregiver (with only a little help twice a month) are nearing an end. You'll need more in-home care or to start looking for a nursing home for your mother. There is only so much you can cope with.
Take care of yourself by getting more help. You can provide more support for your mother if you are healthy.
Carol see more
I'd begin by just being very practical. Start by entering exactly what you wrote here (maybe leave out the part about the doctor being a friend and all). Note each time your mom is not "in reality" or has memory issues.
I agree that some of her behavior is likely from grief. But an emotional shock, such as your dad's death, could have pushed her over into a later stage of dementia where the symptoms now are obvious. Dementia takes decades to develop, but any trauma can push the person further into the disease.
Do take her (and your journal) to a neurologist who has no family connection. I think, with all of her medical problems, that your time as a sole caregiver (with only a little help twice a month) are nearing an end. You'll need more in-home care or to start looking for a nursing home for your mother. There is only so much you can cope with.
Take care of yourself by getting more help. You can provide more support for your mother if you are healthy.
Carol see more
Question
Do I have to be a family member to have guardianship over another adult?
Many times the court appoints a guardian if no family member is suitable or if no one can take on the responsibility. As with many legal... Many times the court appoints a guardian if no family member is suitable or if no one can take on the responsibility. As with many legal matters, where you live may make a difference. You could check with an elder law attorney and see if you can have a consultation.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
The dying process?
I'm so sorry, Bemomiller, that you are on this rollercoaster. Many of us have been there. This is the reason that doctors are often... I'm so sorry, Bemomiller, that you are on this rollercoaster. Many of us have been there. This is the reason that doctors are often reluctant to say how long a person might live. I will say that a rally, such as you describe, is very common shortly before death. Many, many families have left to go for dinner or go home and get some sleep after hours or days at a bedside, simply because there is a rally. By the time they return - even if they were very briefly gone - their loved one is gone.
That happened when my dad died. My sister from out of town had joined me in sitting with Dad as he was dying. He rallied quite a bit and my sister decided that she'd better head home (40 miles) and feed the dog, then she'd be back. Dad died in my arms while she was still on the highway going home.
If you find that you aren't with your mother when she dies, do not feel guilty. We can only go by what we observe. This rally of hers may last hours or days or (rarely) weeks. Our hearts are with you. You can only do what you are doing. When your mother dies, you'll likely feel both grief and relief. That is normal under these circumstances. No room for guilt.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
That happened when my dad died. My sister from out of town had joined me in sitting with Dad as he was dying. He rallied quite a bit and my sister decided that she'd better head home (40 miles) and feed the dog, then she'd be back. Dad died in my arms while she was still on the highway going home.
If you find that you aren't with your mother when she dies, do not feel guilty. We can only go by what we observe. This rally of hers may last hours or days or (rarely) weeks. Our hearts are with you. You can only do what you are doing. When your mother dies, you'll likely feel both grief and relief. That is normal under these circumstances. No room for guilt.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Any other caregivers dealing with symptoms of menopause along with caregiving duties?
Hi Macada, Smitty has some good advice. I'd also try meditation. Dr. Andrew Weil offers many natural ways to relax. There are, of... Hi Macada,
Smitty has some good advice. I'd also try meditation. Dr. Andrew Weil offers many natural ways to relax. There are, of course, many types of meditation. The idea is to free the mind from worry. If you gain comfort from turning your troubles over to God, then use meditation as a means to do that. Yoga stretches (you needn't worry about any "religious" meaning here, just the physical stretches) can be very relaxing. Dr. Weil's site is just one of many to show you some poses.
Remember that, as Smitty says, you are doing your best. You know you aren't angry with your mom. It's your jumbled hormones. You may be interested in knowing that several studies have shown HRT given for just a few years can be beneficial.
By all means, don't blame yourself. Look for relaxation and relief any way you can get it (in a healthy manner, obviously). And try to get some respite help with your mom so it doesn't feel like everything depends on you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Smitty has some good advice. I'd also try meditation. Dr. Andrew Weil offers many natural ways to relax. There are, of course, many types of meditation. The idea is to free the mind from worry. If you gain comfort from turning your troubles over to God, then use meditation as a means to do that. Yoga stretches (you needn't worry about any "religious" meaning here, just the physical stretches) can be very relaxing. Dr. Weil's site is just one of many to show you some poses.
Remember that, as Smitty says, you are doing your best. You know you aren't angry with your mom. It's your jumbled hormones. You may be interested in knowing that several studies have shown HRT given for just a few years can be beneficial.
By all means, don't blame yourself. Look for relaxation and relief any way you can get it (in a healthy manner, obviously). And try to get some respite help with your mom so it doesn't feel like everything depends on you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it better to just stay away for a while?
Hi Popstark, This is one of those questions where there's no "right" answer. Since you haven't been to see her for a... Hi Popstark,
This is one of those questions where there's no "right" answer. Since you haven't been to see her for a week, I'd visit soon. If she wonders why you haven't been around, calmly say that she is treating you poorly so you must visit less frequently.
If her behavior is completely beyond her control, then you'll have to understand that and go as often as you can handle it. But she may have some ability to control herself so that is worth a try. Just be kind about it.
I do think the social worker is right in asking the psychiatrist to review her meds, the dosages, etc. There could be a medication that is making her harder to get along with. There are some that do make some people very testy.
If there's nothing that can be done with your mother's treatment of you, you'll have to do what you can. See her as often as you are able without a lot of damage to yourself, and then try to let go of the guilt. You can't allow yourself to suffer constant abuse.
Take care,
Carol see more
This is one of those questions where there's no "right" answer. Since you haven't been to see her for a week, I'd visit soon. If she wonders why you haven't been around, calmly say that she is treating you poorly so you must visit less frequently.
If her behavior is completely beyond her control, then you'll have to understand that and go as often as you can handle it. But she may have some ability to control herself so that is worth a try. Just be kind about it.
I do think the social worker is right in asking the psychiatrist to review her meds, the dosages, etc. There could be a medication that is making her harder to get along with. There are some that do make some people very testy.
If there's nothing that can be done with your mother's treatment of you, you'll have to do what you can. See her as often as you are able without a lot of damage to yourself, and then try to let go of the guilt. You can't allow yourself to suffer constant abuse.
Take care,
Carol see more
What do I do about siblings who come in after 2 years and think they know better?
It's unfortunately very common for siblings to disagree on parent care. It's even more common for them not to "get it" when one sibling does all of the work.
In the end, only you can decide what is more stressful - going along with them or fighting them.
You may want to read this Agingcare article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/sibling-disputes-about-elderly-parents-care-134376.htm
It may help, if only to let you know that you're in good company.
Take care,
Carol see more