Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Undervalued car sale to non relative caregiver, valid? Excessive gift?
If you want to pursue this you may have to see an elder law attorney. The elderly man has every right to make that sale/gift unless he is... If you want to pursue this you may have to see an elder law attorney. The elderly man has every right to make that sale/gift unless he is cognitively disabled. Much will hinge on his presence of mind.
Sometimes caregivers become close to the people they are providing care for and the gift is a true, well-deserved gift. It's true that sometimes there is undue influence, however. You'll have to decide if you want to pursue this legally and you should if you are convinced that this is a case of undue influence.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Sometimes caregivers become close to the people they are providing care for and the gift is a true, well-deserved gift. It's true that sometimes there is undue influence, however. You'll have to decide if you want to pursue this legally and you should if you are convinced that this is a case of undue influence.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Grief...how to be strong for the survivor spouse/parent?
When adult children lose a parent they suffer their own pain. The remaining parent has lost a life partner. A spouse, often of many... When adult children lose a parent they suffer their own pain. The remaining parent has lost a life partner. A spouse, often of many decades. Both situations generally mean there's plenty of grief to go around for everyone involved.
However, in these cases, the surviving spouse/parent is generally elderly and often frail. He or she may have lost the strongest emotional support they have and many of them have had their own friends die or else the friends are living with diseases of some type. They are less likely to have close friends they can talk with at length about their emotional pain.
To remain strong, you, the adult child, will have to admit your own suffering to yourself and to your parent. For strength, remind yourself of the frailty of your surviving parent and look to close friends for support. A grief support group may help, as well. Many people in the younger generations are more willing to go to a support group than their elders.
In the end, it's people who care about you who will get you through. Since you've not only lost a parent, but must shore up the remaining parent, you've got a huge load to bear. Please keep coming back to the site and also, look outward for support and friendship. You will make it a day at a time.
Take care,
Carol see more
However, in these cases, the surviving spouse/parent is generally elderly and often frail. He or she may have lost the strongest emotional support they have and many of them have had their own friends die or else the friends are living with diseases of some type. They are less likely to have close friends they can talk with at length about their emotional pain.
To remain strong, you, the adult child, will have to admit your own suffering to yourself and to your parent. For strength, remind yourself of the frailty of your surviving parent and look to close friends for support. A grief support group may help, as well. Many people in the younger generations are more willing to go to a support group than their elders.
In the end, it's people who care about you who will get you through. Since you've not only lost a parent, but must shore up the remaining parent, you've got a huge load to bear. Please keep coming back to the site and also, look outward for support and friendship. You will make it a day at a time.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom's speech. Is this a sign of dementia or something?
It's interesting that she doesn't do this with everyone, just people with some authority. Perhaps she's trying to maintain a... It's interesting that she doesn't do this with everyone, just people with some authority. Perhaps she's trying to maintain a type of control. I think you should discuss this with her doctor.
There could be something medically wrong. However, it may be just a tactic she's using for some reason if her own. The fact that she acts happy to be in the hospital yet says she's not could mean that she's manipulating in this situation, as well, because she likes the attention. It's going to be up to medical people to determine if this behavior is medical or manipulative. Then, of course, you'll have to decide how to respond. Even manipulation an be based in illness.
Good luck,
Carol see more
There could be something medically wrong. However, it may be just a tactic she's using for some reason if her own. The fact that she acts happy to be in the hospital yet says she's not could mean that she's manipulating in this situation, as well, because she likes the attention. It's going to be up to medical people to determine if this behavior is medical or manipulative. Then, of course, you'll have to decide how to respond. Even manipulation an be based in illness.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Since dad passed my sister's been acting as POA. Isn't moms safety with regards to handicapped surroundings as...
Yes, your mother's safety is paramount, and her money should be spent for her care. As mentioned, greed can make some adult children... Yes, your mother's safety is paramount, and her money should be spent for her care. As mentioned, greed can make some adult children "protect assets" when the assets belong to a parent who needs the money.
I'd talk with your mother right away about having both the financial and health POA legally assigned. She needs to give this power to someone she trusts. If a family member can't be appointed, an attorney or even a bank officer can take charge of the financial end.
Do talk honestly with her now. If she is confused, see if a trusted friend can help her understand this need.
Good luck. You sound like a caring person,
Carol see more
I'd talk with your mother right away about having both the financial and health POA legally assigned. She needs to give this power to someone she trusts. If a family member can't be appointed, an attorney or even a bank officer can take charge of the financial end.
Do talk honestly with her now. If she is confused, see if a trusted friend can help her understand this need.
Good luck. You sound like a caring person,
Carol see more
Question
My grandmother sleeps for 20 plus hours, when she wakes up to eat, she will eat nothing but sweets...should I...
I'd take her to her doctor and ask for a professional opinion. It could be her body is shutting down and only some things appeal to her... I'd take her to her doctor and ask for a professional opinion. It could be her body is shutting down and only some things appeal to her (sweets), but there may be some options that the doctor or a licensed nutritionist can help you with. Start with the physical and go from there.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dad's in nursing home, now we must sell his home and most everything in it. How do I get past the guilt of get...
Candyo, what you are feeling is normal, but please work on dropping the guilt. Even your dad knows he can't use those items again. You... Candyo, what you are feeling is normal, but please work on dropping the guilt. Even your dad knows he can't use those items again. You are doing the right thing by saving items that have special emotional value, so it's evident that you have sensitivity toward what your are doing.
It's quite likely this is harder on you than on your dad. That's frequently the case. You are seeing items that have had a place in your life as well as your dad's. You may want to take pictures of many items just for memory's sake. It the whole process is too hard, you can hire professionals who will work with you or even do it all if you'd rather not be there. Try to remember that no matter how long your dad had these things, they are things, and your dad's care now is the most important part of his life. My hear aches for you, because I know it's hard. But you'll get through it.
Carol see more
It's quite likely this is harder on you than on your dad. That's frequently the case. You are seeing items that have had a place in your life as well as your dad's. You may want to take pictures of many items just for memory's sake. It the whole process is too hard, you can hire professionals who will work with you or even do it all if you'd rather not be there. Try to remember that no matter how long your dad had these things, they are things, and your dad's care now is the most important part of his life. My hear aches for you, because I know it's hard. But you'll get through it.
Carol see more
Question
How to get to the Nursing Home without Medicare part A?
Nearly everyone has Medicare Part A unless it was never applied for. I agree with igloo on this. If she was on another health program, then... Nearly everyone has Medicare Part A unless it was never applied for. I agree with igloo on this. If she was on another health program, then you should work with a Medicare expert or an elder law attorney to get that changed to whatever is needed. There's no premium for Medicare Part A. What was this person using for health insurance?
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Is it an unusual request to have my grandmother catheterized?
I, too, am interested to see what the community thinks about this. I have a feeling that this would be a traumatic situation for your... I, too, am interested to see what the community thinks about this.
I have a feeling that this would be a traumatic situation for your granny and am doubtful that a doctor would go along such a procedure on a regular basis.
I do, of course, have great sympathy for what you are enduring. It's common Alzheimer's behavior, so that's why I'm hoping the community will have some input. It could be that your granny is just becoming too much for you to handle at home. Talk with the doctor about this issue. Please let us know how it goes.
Take care,
Carol see more
I have a feeling that this would be a traumatic situation for your granny and am doubtful that a doctor would go along such a procedure on a regular basis.
I do, of course, have great sympathy for what you are enduring. It's common Alzheimer's behavior, so that's why I'm hoping the community will have some input. It could be that your granny is just becoming too much for you to handle at home. Talk with the doctor about this issue. Please let us know how it goes.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it better for my dementia dad at home but at day care, or rehab or to be in a senior retirement house?
I'd say as many days at day care as possible until he becomes too far along in his dementia to benefit - OR until you can no longer... I'd say as many days at day care as possible until he becomes too far along in his dementia to benefit - OR until you can no longer care for him whether that's for your sake or his, no matter where he is in his diagnosis. Then you should look for a nursing home. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I help my terminal mother who gave up on life BEFORE her diagnosis?
Hi lostandtrapped. You are not alone in being caught up in more than you "signed up for." Many of us have felt that way.... Hi lostandtrapped. You are not alone in being caught up in more than you "signed up for." Many of us have felt that way.
JesseBell and Eyerishlass have given exceptional advice. You cannot change your mother's personality. She is making her own choices and she does have a right to do that.
You are a wonderful person to be giving her so much already. You could to talk with the hospice chaplain. He or she may be able to help you and/or your mother cope with less stress. Counseling could help one or both of you. Please keep in touch on this site. We'll want to know how you and your mom are doing.
Carol see more
JesseBell and Eyerishlass have given exceptional advice. You cannot change your mother's personality. She is making her own choices and she does have a right to do that.
You are a wonderful person to be giving her so much already. You could to talk with the hospice chaplain. He or she may be able to help you and/or your mother cope with less stress. Counseling could help one or both of you. Please keep in touch on this site. We'll want to know how you and your mom are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Why such sweating when walking even when it's cool?
Please do ask your doctor. Heavy sweating may be fine, but it could be that there's a negative reason for the sweating. It's... Please do ask your doctor. Heavy sweating may be fine, but it could be that there's a negative reason for the sweating. It's definitely something that should be looked at. Then, if you get the all clear sign, keep walking.
I will add that some medications cause excessive sweating, so that's another thing to discuss with your doctor.
I hope all is well,
Carol see more
I will add that some medications cause excessive sweating, so that's another thing to discuss with your doctor.
I hope all is well,
Carol see more
Question
Why is everything such a terrible problem?
This could still be trauma from the stroke and perhaps she'll get better, but vascular dementia is a possibility. Also, it's... This could still be trauma from the stroke and perhaps she'll get better, but vascular dementia is a possibility. Also, it's possible that the trauma of the full medical experience pushed her over into the Alzheimer's range (if she was headed that way anyway). However, some people are disoriented when they leave the hospital and they get better with time.
I don't want to sound too negative, but I think you may be looking at a nursing home, lont-term. My heart about broke when you said she thinks she needs to pay the aides. We had such a problem with my dad over that. He wanted to "tip" everybody. One of many struggles! His dementia was caused by surgery.
Again, the paranoia could be temporary or a sign of dementia. You'll have to work with the doctor and watch for improvement. Lexapro will take time. That's an antidepressant that may help some issues, but I'm not sure it's going to "fix" all of this. I'd start looking at nursing homes and put her on a list if you find one you like. You can always take her name off the list if she improves.
Take care of yourself. This has been a huge change for you.
Carol see more
I don't want to sound too negative, but I think you may be looking at a nursing home, lont-term. My heart about broke when you said she thinks she needs to pay the aides. We had such a problem with my dad over that. He wanted to "tip" everybody. One of many struggles! His dementia was caused by surgery.
Again, the paranoia could be temporary or a sign of dementia. You'll have to work with the doctor and watch for improvement. Lexapro will take time. That's an antidepressant that may help some issues, but I'm not sure it's going to "fix" all of this. I'd start looking at nursing homes and put her on a list if you find one you like. You can always take her name off the list if she improves.
Take care of yourself. This has been a huge change for you.
Carol see more
Question
Assisted living and my resistant mother. Any ideas?
Does your mom have any friends who are in AL and liking it? If so, ask them to talk with her. Otherwise, you may have to just bite the... Does your mom have any friends who are in AL and liking it? If so, ask them to talk with her.
Otherwise, you may have to just bite the bullet and say it will be done. I'd ask the assisted living social worker what she would suggest. Whatever you do, she will complain and fight it, so be prepared and don't show any weak spots.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Otherwise, you may have to just bite the bullet and say it will be done. I'd ask the assisted living social worker what she would suggest. Whatever you do, she will complain and fight it, so be prepared and don't show any weak spots.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My sister is POA of my mom's healthcare and made false accusations against me concerning mom's healthcare. Can...
This is heartbreaking - and unfortunately not all that uncommon. Contact an elder law attorney to see what your rights are. You can contact... This is heartbreaking - and unfortunately not all that uncommon. Contact an elder law attorney to see what your rights are. You can contact your state law association to see if anyone would take this "pro bono" or free. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Upcoming surgery for elderly alcoholic?
One thing that you have in your favor it that she admits she's an alcoholic. For many people, it's hard to convince the doctor of... One thing that you have in your favor it that she admits she's an alcoholic. For many people, it's hard to convince the doctor of this because the patient won't cooperate. However, you are right that many doctors don't take this seriously. My neighbor went through terrible withdrawal after breaking a hip. I believe that was worse for him than the hip fracture, but the medical staff didn't seem interested in helping him cope long term. That was many years ago, however.
It's much more well known now that many "sweet old ladies" are alcoholics. For your mom to get the best treatment the doctor and the anesthesiologist must know this. Maybe a local anesthetic with a lesser surgery is possible. The main thing is to make sure the medical staff knows what they are dealing with. They may opt for one type of anesthetic over another if they have all the facts.
If anyone is between a rock and a hard place it's you. Do your best to communicate the facts with the medical staff and then give your mom the best support you can. That's about all you can do.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
It's much more well known now that many "sweet old ladies" are alcoholics. For your mom to get the best treatment the doctor and the anesthesiologist must know this. Maybe a local anesthetic with a lesser surgery is possible. The main thing is to make sure the medical staff knows what they are dealing with. They may opt for one type of anesthetic over another if they have all the facts.
If anyone is between a rock and a hard place it's you. Do your best to communicate the facts with the medical staff and then give your mom the best support you can. That's about all you can do.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do I get passed wanting to argue with my mom?
Hi Heidi, What you're dealing with is difficult to say the least, but you need to somehow figure out that arguing is just... Hi Heidi,
What you're dealing with is difficult to say the least, but you need to somehow figure out that arguing is just counterproductive. Your mom's situation is common for people with several types of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's. I'm assuming she is getting appropriate medical care.
I'd suggest that you call your local Alzheimer's association and as to talk with the social worker. He or she can help guide you as you learn to cope with this frustrating situation. You can also go online to www.alz.org and fine help, including someone to chat with.
Good luck. Many of us know exactly what you are going through so please keep checking back.
Carol see more
What you're dealing with is difficult to say the least, but you need to somehow figure out that arguing is just counterproductive. Your mom's situation is common for people with several types of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's. I'm assuming she is getting appropriate medical care.
I'd suggest that you call your local Alzheimer's association and as to talk with the social worker. He or she can help guide you as you learn to cope with this frustrating situation. You can also go online to www.alz.org and fine help, including someone to chat with.
Good luck. Many of us know exactly what you are going through so please keep checking back.
Carol see more
Question
Housekeeping assistance for my 82 year old father who lives alone?
I'm sorry to say that house cleaning, even under these circumstances, is considered "custodial care" and few insurances will... I'm sorry to say that house cleaning, even under these circumstances, is considered "custodial care" and few insurances will cover the cost. If he has a long-term care policy, they may pay, so you could check that out. I'm hoping that's the case. Otherwise, you could be in a bind. It's too bad he won't let you pay if he can't. You may be stuck with trying to get the family in now and then to shovel out.
Take care. You sound like good hearted people.
Carol see more
Take care. You sound like good hearted people.
Carol see more
Question
How do you get paid for caring for an elder, post stroke parent?
Good for Ohio if they have such a program! I hope more states will eventually see the wisdom. One place to check for information is to... Good for Ohio if they have such a program! I hope more states will eventually see the wisdom.
One place to check for information is to type the words Ohio (or any state) and aging services into your search engine. Then you'll see lots of links to their services. Look for their version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. It may have a different title, but each state has a version. Your contacts there can be very helpful.
Good luck,
Carol see more
One place to check for information is to type the words Ohio (or any state) and aging services into your search engine. Then you'll see lots of links to their services. Look for their version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. It may have a different title, but each state has a version. Your contacts there can be very helpful.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Any benefits for surviving spouse for hospice care?
Most hospice organizations offer grief counseling for one year or 13 months, depending on the organization. Generally, this is a group... Most hospice organizations offer grief counseling for one year or 13 months, depending on the organization. Generally, this is a group meeting. Many people benefit from this.
Take care of yourself now and see if they can help.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself now and see if they can help.
Carol see more
How do I tell mom she's not 'ready' for a retirment community but a nursing home?
She also needs to realize that most modern nursing homes are quite good and even pleasant to be around (unfortunately, this depends a lot on where you live). But many elders have outdated views of nursing homes. Tell her you'll be there to visit just as you do now.
Eventually, you'll get through this.
Take care,
Carol see more