Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What do I tell mom with dementia when she asks about the apartment she lives at for last 8 years? She doesn't...
This apartment in "new" because she can't form new memories and recent memories fade. You likely know that, but I thought it... This apartment in "new" because she can't form new memories and recent memories fade. You likely know that, but I thought it worth mentioning.
What do you tell her? That could vary by the day. You may want to say that this one is better for now because there aren't so many steps or is easier to clean or closer to downtown (or whatever you can think of).
The two things to avoid are arguing with her because she is not able to grasp that she's been there 8 years, and adding to her worry by saying "this one is cheaper" or something indicating that there is a financial problem.
I'd just tell her that this one is really nice and easier than her old one and then try to distract her. She won't quit asking no matter what you say, so you'll just have to accept that and give her a brief answer that may have some ring of truth. Then move on to something else - until she asks again.
Take care, my friend. This all takes patience.
Carol see more
What do you tell her? That could vary by the day. You may want to say that this one is better for now because there aren't so many steps or is easier to clean or closer to downtown (or whatever you can think of).
The two things to avoid are arguing with her because she is not able to grasp that she's been there 8 years, and adding to her worry by saying "this one is cheaper" or something indicating that there is a financial problem.
I'd just tell her that this one is really nice and easier than her old one and then try to distract her. She won't quit asking no matter what you say, so you'll just have to accept that and give her a brief answer that may have some ring of truth. Then move on to something else - until she asks again.
Take care, my friend. This all takes patience.
Carol see more
Question
I am concerned about a resident at my dad's Nursing Home. What can I do?
You are so kind to be this active due to the distress of a stranger. I'm touched by how much you care. I can also see why you are... You are so kind to be this active due to the distress of a stranger. I'm touched by how much you care. I can also see why you are horrified!
Maybe this woman is too far along with the prolapse, but I do know that there is something called a pessary that can generally be inserted to hold the organs in place. I'm surprised this wasn't done long ago for this woman. The nursing home maybe didn't have care of this woman until it was too late.
You seem to be doing everything you can, and you're right in not wanting to get the nursing home in trouble since they aren't the problem. Contacting the urology department of your local hospital may yield some results. Perhaps there's a program for people who are in such dire situations. Please let us know what happens.
Take care,
Carol see more
Maybe this woman is too far along with the prolapse, but I do know that there is something called a pessary that can generally be inserted to hold the organs in place. I'm surprised this wasn't done long ago for this woman. The nursing home maybe didn't have care of this woman until it was too late.
You seem to be doing everything you can, and you're right in not wanting to get the nursing home in trouble since they aren't the problem. Contacting the urology department of your local hospital may yield some results. Perhaps there's a program for people who are in such dire situations. Please let us know what happens.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What to do to keep 82 year old father safe? He does not want to live with us and can not care for himself! HEL...
I'd call your Adult Protection department of Social Services and ask what can be done. Since your mother is cognitively sound, she may... I'd call your Adult Protection department of Social Services and ask what can be done. Since your mother is cognitively sound, she may be able to help get him into some kind of living situation that works. Yes, he'll fight it, and normally, I think people should decide where they want to live. But this is a pretty drastic situation. If you have a local connection of an Area Agency on Aging, they too may be able to help. Good luck to you. This is not going to be easy.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Mom and I live in one state, can my sister from another state be an alternate POA for when mom visits for exte...
It's best to check with an attorney who knows the laws in both states, but I don't see where this should be a problem. Most states... It's best to check with an attorney who knows the laws in both states, but I don't see where this should be a problem. Most states allow for alternate POAs and where the POA lives shouldn't matter. Do check with an attorney however, so you know you aren't dealing with a state with unusual laws.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get my mom in a nursing home that stays full?
Unfortunately, the best nursing homes generally have the longest waiting lists. Sometimes people are fortunate and can find a bed quickly,... Unfortunately, the best nursing homes generally have the longest waiting lists. Sometimes people are fortunate and can find a bed quickly, but often they have to wait. I hope you have your mom on several NH lists so that you can place her in a home soon. You have your hands full already.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I recently put my wife in a special care facility. She has Alzheimer's. I'm beside myself.
You have done the most caring, loving thing you can do for your wife. There are no words to comfort your aching heart, but knowing you have... You have done the most caring, loving thing you can do for your wife. There are no words to comfort your aching heart, but knowing you have given her the right kind of care will eventually bring your some comfort.
Your wife will go through different stages with this disease, so this current situation will change. Just do your best to comfort her. Use therapeutic fibbing when necessary (go back in time with her and say "you'll see your brother soon," etc.) I know this is hard when you've been married to her for so long, but all you can hope for now is some contentment.
You've gotten good advice from the community. We do understand your pain. Please keep coming back to tell us how you are doing.
Carol see more
Your wife will go through different stages with this disease, so this current situation will change. Just do your best to comfort her. Use therapeutic fibbing when necessary (go back in time with her and say "you'll see your brother soon," etc.) I know this is hard when you've been married to her for so long, but all you can hope for now is some contentment.
You've gotten good advice from the community. We do understand your pain. Please keep coming back to tell us how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom fell at her assisted living facility while in her apartment. She pushed her call button but it took them...
This is so sad. I can understand why you are so heartbroken. Forty minutes seems very long to me. Assisted living isn't the same as a... This is so sad. I can understand why you are so heartbroken. Forty minutes seems very long to me. Assisted living isn't the same as a nursing home, but one reason people go to live in AL is because they may need help and want people around to respond in a reasonable manner.
I would think a fifteen minute time frame should give them plenty of room to gather two people who can help out a resident. Frankly, five minutes is too long if they person is in pain, but we have to be reasonable, since the AL may need certified people to respond in order to comply with regulations. However, the bottom line is that - if they need certified people - they should have them available to respond quickly. You may want to check with other AL facilities in your area and ask what their response time is.
Take care,
Carol see more
I would think a fifteen minute time frame should give them plenty of room to gather two people who can help out a resident. Frankly, five minutes is too long if they person is in pain, but we have to be reasonable, since the AL may need certified people to respond in order to comply with regulations. However, the bottom line is that - if they need certified people - they should have them available to respond quickly. You may want to check with other AL facilities in your area and ask what their response time is.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What would cause a 90 year old woman, to have hallucinations in the night?
This could definitely be a side effect of a medication. Many medications can produce very vivid dreaming as a side effect, and since these... This could definitely be a side effect of a medication. Many medications can produce very vivid dreaming as a side effect, and since these dreams occur so regularly, that sounds like a possibility.
Of course, other health issues such as mini-strokes or dementia may be causing this. Whatever the reason, she needs to see a doctor. If it's from a medication, maybe a substitute will work better. Good luck,
Carol see more
Of course, other health issues such as mini-strokes or dementia may be causing this. Whatever the reason, she needs to see a doctor. If it's from a medication, maybe a substitute will work better. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Dad doesn't want to bathe, won't eat a lot, sleeps about 18 hours most days and I'm noticing his memory worse....
You dad needs as full medical workup. Depression and/or dementia may be part of his problem. I agree that adult day care may be very good... You dad needs as full medical workup. Depression and/or dementia may be part of his problem. I agree that adult day care may be very good for him as he'd get out and socialize with peers. It can be expensive, however.
If he is on Medicaid, he may qualify for some in-home care visits so you may want to check into that. These people may be able to get him to bathe and also help you get a break. However, a diagnosis is very necessary.
I also agree that if he hasn't given you Power Of Attorney for his health and other issues you and he should get this done very soon! Please keep coming back to let us know how he - and you - are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
If he is on Medicaid, he may qualify for some in-home care visits so you may want to check into that. These people may be able to get him to bathe and also help you get a break. However, a diagnosis is very necessary.
I also agree that if he hasn't given you Power Of Attorney for his health and other issues you and he should get this done very soon! Please keep coming back to let us know how he - and you - are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Cancer, stroke, heart attacks, medications, dementia and malnourished....Now what?
Is it possible to get her into see a geriatrician? People with many ailments need one doctor to coordinate care. Geriatricians specialize... Is it possible to get her into see a geriatrician? People with many ailments need one doctor to coordinate care. Geriatricians specialize in caring for older patients. I'd check around and see if you can find one.
If a Geriatrician isn't available, try to find one doctor who can coordinate this whole situation and help you decide what tests should be done. Your mom may be showing dementia signs because of medication interactions, drug reactions or chemical changes in her brain. Or - her cancer could have spread to her brain. She definitely needs tests. Good luck to you. This has got to be very hard on you all.
Carol see more
If a Geriatrician isn't available, try to find one doctor who can coordinate this whole situation and help you decide what tests should be done. Your mom may be showing dementia signs because of medication interactions, drug reactions or chemical changes in her brain. Or - her cancer could have spread to her brain. She definitely needs tests. Good luck to you. This has got to be very hard on you all.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom wants to go live in a nursing home. Where to start?
Your mom's health suggests that most assisted living facilities wouldn't be prepared for the care she needs. As Everirishlass... Your mom's health suggests that most assisted living facilities wouldn't be prepared for the care she needs.
As Everirishlass suggested, I'd just ask her which state she prefers. Does she have more friends in one area than the other?
It sounds like your mom will be able to pay for awhile and then will go on Medicaid when her money runs out. Try to find a place that will let her stay in the same room when she goes from private pay to Medicaid.
Touring homes is good. Since your mom really enjoys people, take her along for the tours if that's possible. The peer interaction could be the best thing that could happen to her. Just put the Zip codes you want into the search box and click. You may want to look online for several Zip codes if you are looking at large cities.
If you find one you like, you can contact the long-term-care ombudsman for that home and ask any questions you want. Just go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the facility's Zip code.
You can go to www.medicare.gov and click on nursing home compare. That will give you a starting point. Also, of course, agingcare has a nursing home search. as well.
Good luck with your search. I hope you find a nice place for your mom and that she thrives!
Carol see more
As Everirishlass suggested, I'd just ask her which state she prefers. Does she have more friends in one area than the other?
It sounds like your mom will be able to pay for awhile and then will go on Medicaid when her money runs out. Try to find a place that will let her stay in the same room when she goes from private pay to Medicaid.
Touring homes is good. Since your mom really enjoys people, take her along for the tours if that's possible. The peer interaction could be the best thing that could happen to her. Just put the Zip codes you want into the search box and click. You may want to look online for several Zip codes if you are looking at large cities.
If you find one you like, you can contact the long-term-care ombudsman for that home and ask any questions you want. Just go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the facility's Zip code.
You can go to www.medicare.gov and click on nursing home compare. That will give you a starting point. Also, of course, agingcare has a nursing home search. as well.
Good luck with your search. I hope you find a nice place for your mom and that she thrives!
Carol see more
Question
Mom has always lived a co-dependent life. How do I get her to stop making me the center of her dependency?
I agree with Kathy. You could use the ongoing help of a therapist or at least a co-dependency group. If your community is large enough,... I agree with Kathy. You could use the ongoing help of a therapist or at least a co-dependency group. If your community is large enough, there should be a group to give you support.
If you like to read, Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency are fascinating and very helpful. No addiction is necessary to benefit. She helps people realize that they are as important as other people and that boundaries are healthy.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If you like to read, Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency are fascinating and very helpful. No addiction is necessary to benefit. She helps people realize that they are as important as other people and that boundaries are healthy.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?
I'm so proud of this community for responding with such compassion! Mimsey did what she had to do. You all understand. Stay strong,... I'm so proud of this community for responding with such compassion! Mimsey did what she had to do. You all understand. Stay strong, Mimsey, set boundaries, work on your own health and your other relationships will find their proper order.
Take care of yourselves - all of you. You're the best!
Carol see more
Take care of yourselves - all of you. You're the best!
Carol see more
Question
Is the joy gone forever? Is it medical?
Oh, Tigerlily, I feel for you. I know what it's like to want so badly to make someone happy and then feel you failed when you don't... Oh, Tigerlily, I feel for you. I know what it's like to want so badly to make someone happy and then feel you failed when you don't the the "right" response. The fact is, we can't "make" anyone happy. That has to come from within.
My guess is that your mom doesn't feel well physically, emotionally or mentally. Her medications indicate that she has some dementia problems. Namenda and donepezil help keep some people put off the worst symptoms of dementia for awhile. But they don't work for everyone. Also, they have side effects of their own.
If your mom is aware of her own issues, which she likely is, she may be depressed. Check with the doctor to see if there is something that may help lift her spirits. She is dealing with a tough disease. You may not be able to make her smile but you can still help her with her life just by supporting her. That is sometimes all that we can do.
Take care of yourself, and realize that you and your mom are on a rough journey. Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations to fit reality. Many caregivers miss the joy - very much. We just have to learn that some form of contentment may be all we can hope for - if that.
Carol see more
My guess is that your mom doesn't feel well physically, emotionally or mentally. Her medications indicate that she has some dementia problems. Namenda and donepezil help keep some people put off the worst symptoms of dementia for awhile. But they don't work for everyone. Also, they have side effects of their own.
If your mom is aware of her own issues, which she likely is, she may be depressed. Check with the doctor to see if there is something that may help lift her spirits. She is dealing with a tough disease. You may not be able to make her smile but you can still help her with her life just by supporting her. That is sometimes all that we can do.
Take care of yourself, and realize that you and your mom are on a rough journey. Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations to fit reality. Many caregivers miss the joy - very much. We just have to learn that some form of contentment may be all we can hope for - if that.
Carol see more
Question
Heading off a UTI. How do I deal with this?
There are some excellent suggestions here. I'm always happy to see a mix of ideas, because in general people are finding that... There are some excellent suggestions here. I'm always happy to see a mix of ideas, because in general people are finding that integrative medicine is gaining respect. I chuckled when LadeeC said " here comes the hated: consult your physician .. who of course won't know anything about this .. but .. yanno .. I gotta say it ]".
She's right, though more doctors are taking a look at some alternative treatments considering the problems with over prescribing antibiotics. When it comes to elderly people, especially, you do need to check with a doctor because many of them are on several prescriptions and there can be interactions. Please read all of these comments, but especially LadeeC. Good advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
She's right, though more doctors are taking a look at some alternative treatments considering the problems with over prescribing antibiotics. When it comes to elderly people, especially, you do need to check with a doctor because many of them are on several prescriptions and there can be interactions. Please read all of these comments, but especially LadeeC. Good advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I'll need help taking care of mom 82 and blind all her life, I think I'll have to quit a job, can I get financ...
She may qualify for Medicaid (likely she's already on it). I'd talk with her doctor about nursing home care. I know you'd... She may qualify for Medicaid (likely she's already on it). I'd talk with her doctor about nursing home care. I know you'd rather have her in your home, which is fine if you can afford to quit work to do this. But if you can't, a nearby nursing home where you can visit often may be good for her. She sounds like she's been depressed for years, so more medical attention could help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Will convalescent homes take agitated patients? Will agencies send out a caretaker who can take care of an ag...
I hope today's doctor visit helps clarify what is wrong. There are some medications that can help calm agitation. I hope this person... I hope today's doctor visit helps clarify what is wrong. There are some medications that can help calm agitation. I hope this person had a living will so or at least you know how he or she feels about force feeding, etc. At 95, a person should be allowed to do what he or she chooses. The paranoia concerns me as that is miserable, and if that's the reason for not wanting to eat or sleep, then I do hope a doctor can order a medication (maybe a patch or shot) that will help calm the person. A nursing home should be able to help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it okay for a son to change his mom's diaper?
You are mortified now because it's not a natural thing to do and you are healthy - your kids are young. However, your husband's... You are mortified now because it's not a natural thing to do and you are healthy - your kids are young. However, your husband's case is totally different. It's entirely okay for him to change his mother's diaper. Think of the women who change their father's diaper.
Your husband will feel uncomfortable at first but he'll get used to it. I'll never forget the first time I helped my dad to the bathroom. I was afraid he'd be embarrassed. He took it in stride, so I was able to do the same thing. It's really no different than feeding them.
I interviewed several men in my book and a couple were in the stage where they changed their mother's diapers. They just got to where it was nothing. Just something they did.
Sexual tabus fall away in caregiving (unless, of course, there is abuse, but that is a different topic). In your case, please encourage your husband to look at this as one more thing he can do to help his mother stay comfortable.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your husband will feel uncomfortable at first but he'll get used to it. I'll never forget the first time I helped my dad to the bathroom. I was afraid he'd be embarrassed. He took it in stride, so I was able to do the same thing. It's really no different than feeding them.
I interviewed several men in my book and a couple were in the stage where they changed their mother's diapers. They just got to where it was nothing. Just something they did.
Sexual tabus fall away in caregiving (unless, of course, there is abuse, but that is a different topic). In your case, please encourage your husband to look at this as one more thing he can do to help his mother stay comfortable.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Our father sometimes does not sleep through the night but wanders. Care facilities we have looked at have all...
Trazadone is an old antidepressant that doesn't work very well for its intended use, but can be great for helping anxious people sleep.... Trazadone is an old antidepressant that doesn't work very well for its intended use, but can be great for helping anxious people sleep. Your father's doctor should monitor it carefully, because it can build in the system, but it certainly sounds like an option. Talk with her doctor and see what he or she thinks.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Once completed physical & occupational therapy, will Medicare pay for mom with Alzheimer's to receive therapy...
You could hire a private therapist, of course, and many gyms have them available. Check with various human services (social services) non-profits. They may offer some help. Meanwhile, keep checking with Medicare to see if the policy has changed.
Good luck,
Carol see more