Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Mom has lung cancer that has spread to her liver and bones. Hospice seems to be medicating her to death. Advic...
Rambling man, I'm so sorry about your mom. There are no magic words to heal your wounded soul, but you will always know that you gave... Rambling man, I'm so sorry about your mom. There are no magic words to heal your wounded soul, but you will always know that you gave everything to be with your mom. She's still with you. I firmly believe that we never totally leave those we love behind. Concentrate on knowing she is with you, now, even though her pain wracked body is gone.
As far as your sister and how you're being treated goes, that's sadder than sad. I'd think they could at least make sure you were able to go to the funeral. Families often fall apart when a core member dies and this seems to be the way it is with your family. You aren’t alone, as difficult as it is.
Do you have a religious organization you can turn to? Maybe someone there could help gather some money so you could go to the funeral.
A grief support group may help you, as well. While most hospice organizations are wonderful, some are not. It sounds as though you had a tough experience, so that support group – if they offer one – may not be the one you want. But if you ask around at counseling agencies, making it clear you have no money, maybe you'll find a group where you can share your pain. Meanwhile, please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Whatever happens - even if you miss your mom’s funeral - you did what mattered to her while she was alive. Your sister will never have that feeling. Keep that knowledge in your heart while you put your life back together. You can do that. You will.
Take care of yourself like your mom wants you to.
Carol see more
As far as your sister and how you're being treated goes, that's sadder than sad. I'd think they could at least make sure you were able to go to the funeral. Families often fall apart when a core member dies and this seems to be the way it is with your family. You aren’t alone, as difficult as it is.
Do you have a religious organization you can turn to? Maybe someone there could help gather some money so you could go to the funeral.
A grief support group may help you, as well. While most hospice organizations are wonderful, some are not. It sounds as though you had a tough experience, so that support group – if they offer one – may not be the one you want. But if you ask around at counseling agencies, making it clear you have no money, maybe you'll find a group where you can share your pain. Meanwhile, please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Whatever happens - even if you miss your mom’s funeral - you did what mattered to her while she was alive. Your sister will never have that feeling. Keep that knowledge in your heart while you put your life back together. You can do that. You will.
Take care of yourself like your mom wants you to.
Carol see more
Question
My sister is forbiding me from visiting our mother in the assisted living facility. How do I deal with her co...
I'm so sorry that you have this awful family situation. I'm not sure you can see your mom without facing down your sister, but it... I'm so sorry that you have this awful family situation. I'm not sure you can see your mom without facing down your sister, but it certainly isn't her right to forbid you to visit. I would contact the assisted living facility and tell them your story and ask about rules.Their social worker may be able to help. I hope you get to see your mom. That's important.
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Carol see more
Question
Is there a local facility that has free equipment for handicap?
My community has a program called HERO (Health Equipment Recycling Organization). While many things have a small charge, it's amazing... My community has a program called HERO (Health Equipment Recycling Organization). While many things have a small charge, it's amazing what they have for just a little money. They also have many new items (such as boxes of new equipment needed by someone who no longer needs it). You could type your community name and versions of "recycle medical equipment" into your search engine to see what comes up locally. Also, a call to any social services organization in your area should get you some answers.
Good luck!
Carol see more
Good luck!
Carol see more
Question
Dealing with difficult elders. Any advice?
It wouldn't hurt for your mother to be tested for dementia. There are many varieties, and her internal confusion could be stemming from... It wouldn't hurt for your mother to be tested for dementia. There are many varieties, and her internal confusion could be stemming from something that she can't help. It's possible, of course, that medicine can't do anything to improve this situation (as the doctor you talked with indicated).
His or her saying it would "end badly" is confusing. Maybe the physician is correctly realizing that you can't change some situations. You are the one who is put in the hot spot, however. It's possible that you may have to look for assisted living for both of them so you don't have so much responsibility. Perhaps if they had more socialization and a way to get distance from one another they'd have fewer breakdowns. Maybe a talk with a social worker would help you decide. You can contact the Alzheimer Association in your community or call one of the social services organizations in town. Something has to change for your sake and it's possible that they could have better lives as well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
His or her saying it would "end badly" is confusing. Maybe the physician is correctly realizing that you can't change some situations. You are the one who is put in the hot spot, however. It's possible that you may have to look for assisted living for both of them so you don't have so much responsibility. Perhaps if they had more socialization and a way to get distance from one another they'd have fewer breakdowns. Maybe a talk with a social worker would help you decide. You can contact the Alzheimer Association in your community or call one of the social services organizations in town. Something has to change for your sake and it's possible that they could have better lives as well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you take care of a person with Alzheimer's when the spouse is verbally abusive to the caregiver?
Hi TwinLaura, I'm answering here but also sending you an email. You need to contact adult protective services - for yourself, for your... Hi TwinLaura,
I'm answering here but also sending you an email. You need to contact adult protective services - for yourself, for your dad and your mother. It sounds to me like you mother may be having dementia symptoms. Your dad shouldn't be subjected to this abuse and neither should you. This isn't a home for any of you -
it's a nightmare.
Let Social Services - Adult protective services - know what's going on. There may be a temporary fix or it may be permanent. However, your dad needs placement in a safe home where you can visit and where he'll get his meds. You need to get free of this abusive situation. Your mom needs medical care. Maybe you can all be a family of sorts, eventually, but right now you need intervention before you have a heart attack or some other health event. If you aren't worried about yourself think about where your dad would be then. Please get help from the outside to get this sorted out.
Blessings,
Carol see more
I'm answering here but also sending you an email. You need to contact adult protective services - for yourself, for your dad and your mother. It sounds to me like you mother may be having dementia symptoms. Your dad shouldn't be subjected to this abuse and neither should you. This isn't a home for any of you -
it's a nightmare.
Let Social Services - Adult protective services - know what's going on. There may be a temporary fix or it may be permanent. However, your dad needs placement in a safe home where you can visit and where he'll get his meds. You need to get free of this abusive situation. Your mom needs medical care. Maybe you can all be a family of sorts, eventually, but right now you need intervention before you have a heart attack or some other health event. If you aren't worried about yourself think about where your dad would be then. Please get help from the outside to get this sorted out.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
Legally blind grandmother asked for legal help but doesn't want caregiver daughter to know. Will the lawyer in...
Since your grandma is cognitively well, you or your mom should accompany her to an elder law attorney or estate attorney and have a Power... Since your grandma is cognitively well, you or your mom should accompany her to an elder law attorney or estate attorney and have a Power Of Attorney drawn up for financial purposes, as well as one for health. She also needs a will. If the deed to her house is truly missing, she may want to talk to the attorney about what to do about that. This sounds like a legal matter. You'll likely have a lot of family issues over this, but if your grandma is being exploited, she needs your help. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
How do I get Dad help without him knowing?
I wish there was a magic answer for you. Many people have a similar issue. Does you father live alone? It's possible that if you called... I wish there was a magic answer for you. Many people have a similar issue. Does you father live alone? It's possible that if you called Social Services and asked for a welfare check that they'd see he shouldn't be alone and then he'd have to make some changes. As a family member, it's hard to force any adult to go to a doctor. Hard as it is, if SS can't do anything about it, you may have to wait it out. He has rights and unless you can prove in court that he's incapable of taking care of business, there may not be much you can do on your own. Hopefully, adult protective services can help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
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Question
How do you take care of a person with Alzheimer's when the spouse is verbally abusive to the caregiver?
If you are an agency caregiver, perhaps you can talk to your supervisor about this. Your supervisor may be able to caution the abusive... If you are an agency caregiver, perhaps you can talk to your supervisor about this. Your supervisor may be able to caution the abusive spouse about treating you badly.
If you are on your own (an independent contractor), then you'll have to give notice and tell the abusive spouse that you expect to be treated with respect or they can find someone else.
There's another way to read this question - that you are married to the person with Alzheimer's - and that you are being abused by your spouse. If that's the case, you will be in good company, because AD makes many people aggressive. You can find a lot of support at the National Alzheimer's Association website at www.alz.org.
Good luck. None of this is easy,
Carol see more
If you are on your own (an independent contractor), then you'll have to give notice and tell the abusive spouse that you expect to be treated with respect or they can find someone else.
There's another way to read this question - that you are married to the person with Alzheimer's - and that you are being abused by your spouse. If that's the case, you will be in good company, because AD makes many people aggressive. You can find a lot of support at the National Alzheimer's Association website at www.alz.org.
Good luck. None of this is easy,
Carol see more
Question
Mom wants her own credit card but last time I gave her one she lost it. Any suggestions on how to appease her?
If she's cognitively able to use the card, then be sure to write down all information about it, including number and the customer... If she's cognitively able to use the card, then be sure to write down all information about it, including number and the customer service number on the back. At least you can do damage control. Or, you could try a secured card that has maybe $200 on it. Yes, you could be out that money if she lost it, but no danger of others charging more.
If she just wants it to carry it around but doesn't use it, give her an outdated one. I did that with my dad. He wanted a CC, so I gave him cards that were no longer good. That satisfied him.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If she just wants it to carry it around but doesn't use it, give her an outdated one. I did that with my dad. He wanted a CC, so I gave him cards that were no longer good. That satisfied him.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can I explain to my sister the difference in POA and Medical signing?
There aredifferent types of POAs, so you could start with that. One type is for financial purposes. Your sister can sign on accounts where... There aredifferent types of POAs, so you could start with that. One type is for financial purposes. Your sister can sign on accounts where it's set up with her name, but that won't cover any other financial business that needs to be taken care of. It sounds like the form for health that's been signed is just the HIPAA form so that her heath information can be released to your sister. Again, a full health directive, or POA for health will be needed should decisions of life vs. death or any heavy duty treatment be needed.
You can download these forms from the Internet, but if you do be certain that you get one that is state specific. Then they must be signed and notarized. It's generally safer to have an attorney draw up both POAs, with the health directive containing the correct HIPAA language needed.
If your sister won't listen to you, then call an elder attorney and ask if they have brochures that tell why such form are needed.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You can download these forms from the Internet, but if you do be certain that you get one that is state specific. Then they must be signed and notarized. It's generally safer to have an attorney draw up both POAs, with the health directive containing the correct HIPAA language needed.
If your sister won't listen to you, then call an elder attorney and ask if they have brochures that tell why such form are needed.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I tell my loved one with dementia it's time to go into a nursing home to live?
If you feel that saying it's temporary will help him feel better, there's nothing wrong with that. You want to help him, so... If you feel that saying it's temporary will help him feel better, there's nothing wrong with that. You want to help him, so don't quibble about therapeutic fibbing.
My feeling is to go for compassion. You'll likely have to say that you're moving him to a new room because it's safer and he'll have more help. Be very reassuring about the fact that you'll visit often. Make sure his room has some personal items including photos - maybe even his bedspread if it fits the bed - so that there are familiar items around him.
Be aware that he will want to "go home" no matter how well things go, but what he's after is the feeling of safety, not necessarily the home he just left. There will be a period of adjustment. Before you leave, make sure he's got a staff member with him.
He may adjust quickly or may never quit complaining, but you have to do what's best for him. You're his advocate, so work with the staff to help him adjust. If it's a good, well run, home with a forward take on what nursing homes should be, he should be just fine.
I know this is hard on you, too. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
My feeling is to go for compassion. You'll likely have to say that you're moving him to a new room because it's safer and he'll have more help. Be very reassuring about the fact that you'll visit often. Make sure his room has some personal items including photos - maybe even his bedspread if it fits the bed - so that there are familiar items around him.
Be aware that he will want to "go home" no matter how well things go, but what he's after is the feeling of safety, not necessarily the home he just left. There will be a period of adjustment. Before you leave, make sure he's got a staff member with him.
He may adjust quickly or may never quit complaining, but you have to do what's best for him. You're his advocate, so work with the staff to help him adjust. If it's a good, well run, home with a forward take on what nursing homes should be, he should be just fine.
I know this is hard on you, too. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Will Parkinson's take my father in law's ability to communicate?
If he's still mentally sharp and loses his ability to communicate, that is unbelievably cruel. You are doing the right thing for now.... If he's still mentally sharp and loses his ability to communicate, that is unbelievably cruel. You are doing the right thing for now. If it comes to a point where even you can't understand him so that you can tell people what he says, I'm not sure what the options are. There are high tech options with computers where very little physical interaction is needed so you may want to check into what is available for handicapped communications. Since his hearing is sharp and his eyes seem to work, there should be some computer application that you could help him with. Anybody on the forum know of something?
Best of luck to you both.
Carol see more
Best of luck to you both.
Carol see more
Question
If I have power of attorney for grandmother could my mom come back later and do something to get money from gr...
I'm not an attorney, but my opinion is that if your grandmother is sound of mind she can name anyone she wants POA. It wouldn't... I'm not an attorney, but my opinion is that if your grandmother is sound of mind she can name anyone she wants POA. It wouldn't hurt for you to keep records of the money she gives you and why, just for future issues. You should have this POA drawn up by an attorney who understands elder issues and ask him or her about any future problems. With this complicated family history, you'll want all safeguards put in place. Please do this as soon as you can get an appointment. You and your grandma will need to go together.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Any advice to help me with my Mother 86, diabetes 1 with blood sugar 20 - 23?
Marlene, you've got a situation that many people have to cope with. It's not always diabetes, but diabetes is one of the most... Marlene, you've got a situation that many people have to cope with. It's not always diabetes, but diabetes is one of the most difficult. You know what foods your mom should have and not have and how regularly she should eat. However, when a person has dementia, he or she may not even remember eating, let alone cooperate with what is the right kind of meal.
I'm not sure you can do a lot, but I'd do as Orangeblossom suggested and look under health conditions for more information. I'd also have a discussion with your mom's doctor about the situation. Any doctor who knows dementia is going to realize that you have a real problem here and that likely all you can do is your best effort to get her to eat the right foods. But a medical opinion would help you feel better (I hope). Good luck with this challenge.
Carol see more
I'm not sure you can do a lot, but I'd do as Orangeblossom suggested and look under health conditions for more information. I'd also have a discussion with your mom's doctor about the situation. Any doctor who knows dementia is going to realize that you have a real problem here and that likely all you can do is your best effort to get her to eat the right foods. But a medical opinion would help you feel better (I hope). Good luck with this challenge.
Carol see more
Question
Symptoms of dementia?
This sounds more to me like the changes in environment have her a bit off her game. It's different, too, to have an adult child provide... This sounds more to me like the changes in environment have her a bit off her game. It's different, too, to have an adult child provide the OT & PT exercises (which I'm assuming from your note is what is happening) than it is to have a professional come in and say "now we're doing this."
You're likely to have family dynamics going on here that can make it all more difficult than it was in rehab. Try to be patient. If she goes downhill in any way, make sure she sees a doctor. Depression is a real threat and of course, different types of dementia are a possibility.
Take care,
Carol see more
You're likely to have family dynamics going on here that can make it all more difficult than it was in rehab. Try to be patient. If she goes downhill in any way, make sure she sees a doctor. Depression is a real threat and of course, different types of dementia are a possibility.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Caring for my Mother is causing physical pain in my back and hips.
I would think that is completely reasonable, along with pay for your time. Your sister should be diung this without your having to petition... I would think that is completely reasonable, along with pay for your time. Your sister should be diung this without your having to petition anyone, but if she won't, find out from the attorney involved what you must do to have these expenses covered. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
Can I get paid to take care of my grandmother if I relocate with my children and move in with her?
If your Grandmother is on Medicaid and needs in-home care they may pay you an hourly rate (what they'd pay any caregiver who came into... If your Grandmother is on Medicaid and needs in-home care they may pay you an hourly rate (what they'd pay any caregiver who came into the home). This will depend on the state where she lives. Also, don't expect that they'll pay all that well or for 24-hour care. But you certainly can check that out. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
Mom being billed for ambulance between nursing home and hospital. Anyone dealt with this?
I think the nursing home should have been upfront with you. Insurance often doesn't cover an ambulance call from home if the feel it... I think the nursing home should have been upfront with you. Insurance often doesn't cover an ambulance call from home if the feel it wasn't an emergency (a hard call for people who don't know what is wrong in the first place!). But the nursing home should have known if this was normally covered or not and discussed options with you.
I can understand your mother's distress over refusing to pay. Only you can decide what is more important for her well being - just cough up the money and remember the lesson or fight it. It's really awful, but I think you are down to those two choices.
Just as a reference point - I remember my parents paying for a couple of dad's ambulance calls from home when he was in excruciating pain from urinary retention, and the reason for non-payment was too many calls. They said is he had that kind of problem he should be in a nursing home. Sometimes we just don't know what to do.
Carol see more
I can understand your mother's distress over refusing to pay. Only you can decide what is more important for her well being - just cough up the money and remember the lesson or fight it. It's really awful, but I think you are down to those two choices.
Just as a reference point - I remember my parents paying for a couple of dad's ambulance calls from home when he was in excruciating pain from urinary retention, and the reason for non-payment was too many calls. They said is he had that kind of problem he should be in a nursing home. Sometimes we just don't know what to do.
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Question
I am wondering why agingcare.com only gives information from the side of the caregiver and not from the elderl...
Hi Rinus, Agingcare was founded to help caregivers provide the best care they can for their elders and their spouses. However, if you read... Hi Rinus,
Agingcare was founded to help caregivers provide the best care they can for their elders and their spouses. However, if you read much of my work, as well as the work of others, we stress love, compassion, understanding of the aging process, and above all dignity for the elder. As far as advice on aging well goes, there are many medical sites that cover that reliably. Below are a couple of articles that you may enjoy.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-Communicate-With-Elderly-Person-Who-Cannot-Speak-134129.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/remembering-dad-before-dementia-146727.htm
Thanks for writing,
Carol see more
Agingcare was founded to help caregivers provide the best care they can for their elders and their spouses. However, if you read much of my work, as well as the work of others, we stress love, compassion, understanding of the aging process, and above all dignity for the elder. As far as advice on aging well goes, there are many medical sites that cover that reliably. Below are a couple of articles that you may enjoy.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-Communicate-With-Elderly-Person-Who-Cannot-Speak-134129.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/remembering-dad-before-dementia-146727.htm
Thanks for writing,
Carol see more
Dad is in a NH long term and on medicaid. If he goes to a hospital does medicaid still pay the NH even though...
That doesn't mean he can't be re-admitted to the NH, but he may not have the same room. I know - that hurts. If there's any way that much of the nursing care your dad needs can be done in the skilled nursing facility (NH), then your dad may be better off in a number of ways. He's keep his room and he wouldn't be subjected to so much hospital trauma. Of course, there are situations where this can't be done, but if there's a choice, see if the nursing home nurses can handle the bulk of the care after the first couple of days of hospitalization. Good luck. I really do feel for you. Many of us have been through similar situations.
Carol see more