Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What to do when your parent is in memory care unit and refuses to eat and withdraws?
This is difficult to watch, but unfortunately, it is not unusual. You don't say what stage of dementia is involved or if the person was... This is difficult to watch, but unfortunately, it is not unusual. You don't say what stage of dementia is involved or if the person was just moved into the unit. If there was a recent move, this behavior could be caused by confusion and depression, along with fear. It could also indicate illness such as an infection. If the person is in late stage dementia, this may be a sign that he or she is beginning the death process. A doctor should be alerted so that the patient can be checked and you can have your questions answered.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How to deal with an aging parent who never cleans up after herself. She use to be a "clean fanatic". Is this a...
Perseverance is right - it could be depression or dementia. Often, the two issue coexist. I would take your parent to the doctor for an... Perseverance is right - it could be depression or dementia. Often, the two issue coexist. I would take your parent to the doctor for an overall check up, since medications and such things as urinary tract infections can cause dementia like symptoms. Then, also ask for cognitive testing and discuss depression. A full work up will be needed.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Storage unit and moving expenses - Medicaid spend down. Can I use my parents funds to cover moving expenses?
msdiva, I feel awful for you. I know that family caregivers often use their own money to pick up things for their parents, and their... msdiva, I feel awful for you. I know that family caregivers often use their own money to pick up things for their parents, and their parents pay them back - all in a loose way. When family members turn on you while you are beating your head against the wall trying to do it all, it's really sad. It does happen often, so you have lots of company. Lesson learned - do what you are doing and pass the word. Keep receipts for everything!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Storage unit and moving expenses - Medicaid spend down. Can I use my parents funds to cover moving expenses?
I would definitely check with your Medicaid people about this. Each state is a little different with rules. As the saying goes, better to... I would definitely check with your Medicaid people about this. Each state is a little different with rules. As the saying goes, better to be safe than sorry.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
We can't get out of my mother-in law's sight who's lived with us for 4 years...feeling smothered and big burno...
You are not being selfish. It's only normal to want some alone time for yourself and also alone time as a couple. Have you considered... You are not being selfish. It's only normal to want some alone time for yourself and also alone time as a couple. Have you considered adult day care? The socialization of ADC can really help as then she'd have had a social outlet and may be physically tired, as well.
You are fortunate (as you know) that your husband stands up for you. Discuss these options with him and see what he thinks. Others on the forum will likely add their own ideas so please keep checking back.
Carol see more
You are fortunate (as you know) that your husband stands up for you. Discuss these options with him and see what he thinks. Others on the forum will likely add their own ideas so please keep checking back.
Carol see more
Question
Anyone have any experience with brain shunts?
As far as the shunt is concerned, this surgery is considered very safe and it generally is. My dad was one of the unfortunate few who, for... As far as the shunt is concerned, this surgery is considered very safe and it generally is. My dad was one of the unfortunate few who, for unknown reasons, was pushed over the edge into dementia after shunt surgery. His WWII brain injury is the reason fluid was building up, and the scar tissue may have had an impact on the results. Please understand that I'm stressing that this is very safe surgery, but any surgery on an elder has increased risks. You may want a second opinion.
With or without this shunt surgery, I suggest that you start to look into hiring help or placing your mom in a nursing home. You can't completely destroy your own health or you won't be able to help her at all.
Take care of yourself as well as your mom.
Carol see more
With or without this shunt surgery, I suggest that you start to look into hiring help or placing your mom in a nursing home. You can't completely destroy your own health or you won't be able to help her at all.
Take care of yourself as well as your mom.
Carol see more
Question
How to tell my father who is in a nursing home that he will never live at home again?
Wonderful advice from Perseverance! I'd like to add that your father likely forgets why he isn't home so he continues to ask. I... Wonderful advice from Perseverance! I'd like to add that your father likely forgets why he isn't home so he continues to ask. I wouldn't lean too heavily on "you'll never go home again." Rather, as Perseverance said, concentrate on making his new home as much like a home as possible. Can he use the bedspread from home? Can you bring up pictures and mementos for the walls? Can you take him for walks or drives?
This is always hard to handle. Home signifies safety and security, so if you can keep stressing the safety aspects of where he is and help him get to know people that may help. There's always an adjustment time and for some people that is quite a long period of time. Hang in. We can hope things get better.
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This is always hard to handle. Home signifies safety and security, so if you can keep stressing the safety aspects of where he is and help him get to know people that may help. There's always an adjustment time and for some people that is quite a long period of time. Hang in. We can hope things get better.
Carol see more
Question
Does my nana have dementia or Alzheimer's?
Hi lost, Your nana's heart attack traumatized her body, but the hospital stay traumatized her, as well. It's unfortunate that... Hi lost,
Your nana's heart attack traumatized her body, but the hospital stay traumatized her, as well. It's unfortunate that hospitalization of elderly people can sometimes trigger dementia symptoms. Sometimes people recover, but many times they do not. The hospital atmosphere of noise, busyness, impersonal treatment and so many unknown's - plus being away from family in an unfamiliar place - can be very hard on elderly people.
Another thought is vascular dementia. Her heart attack brings that to mind, though vascular dementia is more generally more likely following strokes. Whatever the cause, you can only do so much.
I hope your nana recovers. Meanwhile, you are right in getting her tested. Learn all that you can about Alzheimer's (which is just one kind of dementia) by going online to organizations like the National Alzheimer's Association here in the States at www.alz.org. Be patient and understand that your nana can't help these changes. Alzheimer's disease is very slow to develop and she may have been developing the disease which was then triggered by her trauma.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your nana's heart attack traumatized her body, but the hospital stay traumatized her, as well. It's unfortunate that hospitalization of elderly people can sometimes trigger dementia symptoms. Sometimes people recover, but many times they do not. The hospital atmosphere of noise, busyness, impersonal treatment and so many unknown's - plus being away from family in an unfamiliar place - can be very hard on elderly people.
Another thought is vascular dementia. Her heart attack brings that to mind, though vascular dementia is more generally more likely following strokes. Whatever the cause, you can only do so much.
I hope your nana recovers. Meanwhile, you are right in getting her tested. Learn all that you can about Alzheimer's (which is just one kind of dementia) by going online to organizations like the National Alzheimer's Association here in the States at www.alz.org. Be patient and understand that your nana can't help these changes. Alzheimer's disease is very slow to develop and she may have been developing the disease which was then triggered by her trauma.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when your parent starts telling lies?
I'm sure this is something that APS has heard before. It is common with AD. Getting accused of abuse and stealing are two major... I'm sure this is something that APS has heard before. It is common with AD. Getting accused of abuse and stealing are two major threats to caregivers and it's horrifying.
Unfortunately, these things happen, so we need people to look out for these issues - which is what APS is about. However, your overall care record should speak for you. You may want to ask neighbors in to visit frequently so that there are people who can vouch for you. As mentioned, if your mother does bruise herself, document it. A physical should put you in the clear if something happens with APS, but be prepared just in case.
My hear breaks for you. It's just so hard.
Carol see more
Unfortunately, these things happen, so we need people to look out for these issues - which is what APS is about. However, your overall care record should speak for you. You may want to ask neighbors in to visit frequently so that there are people who can vouch for you. As mentioned, if your mother does bruise herself, document it. A physical should put you in the clear if something happens with APS, but be prepared just in case.
My hear breaks for you. It's just so hard.
Carol see more
Question
How do I redirect someone who has absolutely no interest in recreational activities?
Does she like old movies? They can sometimes be a real help in these situations. Try some DVDs of movies from her era. Even CDs with big... Does she like old movies? They can sometimes be a real help in these situations. Try some DVDs of movies from her era. Even CDs with big band music may help.
Don't feel bad about being annoyed with repeated questions. It is truly hard to deal with. We understand. Try to detach from it - even ignore it and go on with what you were doing. You can say, "Can you help me with this?" and let the question go. Every person is different, so it's hard to suggest one thing and say it will work.
Good luck. I hope more people will chime in with their ideas.
Carol see more
Don't feel bad about being annoyed with repeated questions. It is truly hard to deal with. We understand. Try to detach from it - even ignore it and go on with what you were doing. You can say, "Can you help me with this?" and let the question go. Every person is different, so it's hard to suggest one thing and say it will work.
Good luck. I hope more people will chime in with their ideas.
Carol see more
Question
I need a supplement insurance. I'm on Medicare and so confused on picking supplement to pay copays.
The "best" supplement is plan F, which covers all co-pays for anything that is covered by Medicare. It costs more per month than... The "best" supplement is plan F, which covers all co-pays for anything that is covered by Medicare. It costs more per month than the other supplement plans, but if you want to avoid "surprises", that's the one to get.
Unfortunately, Medicare D, which covers medications, is still not very good, though the new health care reform is working on improving it. You can choose your company for your supplement plan and Medicare D (prescription drugs) by using the one that covers most of the drugs you take. You don't have to stay with the same company, but it makes it less confusing. You may want to compare premiums, but they generally aren't wildly different.
I know it's confusing, but once you are settled, it works fairly well. Good luck,
Carol see more
Unfortunately, Medicare D, which covers medications, is still not very good, though the new health care reform is working on improving it. You can choose your company for your supplement plan and Medicare D (prescription drugs) by using the one that covers most of the drugs you take. You don't have to stay with the same company, but it makes it less confusing. You may want to compare premiums, but they generally aren't wildly different.
I know it's confusing, but once you are settled, it works fairly well. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom dementia, great days and family problems.
It's so sad when family members stab you in the back like that. I think you've done all you can. You certainly are in no... It's so sad when family members stab you in the back like that. I think you've done all you can. You certainly are in no circumstance that can support having your mother live with you. Use the power of your POA to keep your mom safe, and tell the relatives that you will be happy to go with them to visit.Let the nursing home know that they are not allowed to sign your mom out.
About the good days - yes that is "normal." Some days are better than others and there may be astonishing moments of clarity where your mom seems almost like her old self. Enjoy those moments! And good luck with your dysfunctional family.
Carol see more
About the good days - yes that is "normal." Some days are better than others and there may be astonishing moments of clarity where your mom seems almost like her old self. Enjoy those moments! And good luck with your dysfunctional family.
Carol see more
Question
Deciding to take my friend out of nursing home and want to know can we both buy a house together?
With a POA, you can, but should you is the question. I'd check with an elder law attorney first about how to set up the financial part... With a POA, you can, but should you is the question. I'd check with an elder law attorney first about how to set up the financial part of the situation. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my sister to a doctor for her memory problems? She says she is fine and won't go.
Age does make a difference. For daughterlinda, I tend to agree. Count your blessings that he's not suffering. If things get worse, you... Age does make a difference. For daughterlinda, I tend to agree. Count your blessings that he's not suffering. If things get worse, you may want to risk side effects with some medications. It wouldn't hurt to mention his symptoms to his doctor. But at 91, he's probably doing quite well considering everything.
For younger adults, there's likely more of a reason to try one of the drugs that may slow down symptoms because we never know when a new drug will come on the market that could stop the progression of the disease.
Meanwhile, new studies have shown that a combination of vitamin B12, vitamin B6 and folic acid can slow AD symptoms. I'd check with the elder's doctor, no matter the elder's age, about this option. Aging people often don't absorb their nutrients well - particularly vitamin B12 - and many studies have thrown light on the cognitive issues that may occur with low B12 levels. Don't expect miracles, and don't try huge levels without medical guidance. But nutrition can make a difference.
In reference to parents and spouses who won't go to a doctor: there's a point where you have to accept that this is his or her right. You can't tie them up and drag them, and if they won't cooperate not much will be accomplished if you do get them there.
Sometimes, I think if we let people alone and stop nagging (even though we are well intended) they may start to notice that they may need a checkup. Kind of reverse psychology, I guess. Good luck to you all.
Carol see more
For younger adults, there's likely more of a reason to try one of the drugs that may slow down symptoms because we never know when a new drug will come on the market that could stop the progression of the disease.
Meanwhile, new studies have shown that a combination of vitamin B12, vitamin B6 and folic acid can slow AD symptoms. I'd check with the elder's doctor, no matter the elder's age, about this option. Aging people often don't absorb their nutrients well - particularly vitamin B12 - and many studies have thrown light on the cognitive issues that may occur with low B12 levels. Don't expect miracles, and don't try huge levels without medical guidance. But nutrition can make a difference.
In reference to parents and spouses who won't go to a doctor: there's a point where you have to accept that this is his or her right. You can't tie them up and drag them, and if they won't cooperate not much will be accomplished if you do get them there.
Sometimes, I think if we let people alone and stop nagging (even though we are well intended) they may start to notice that they may need a checkup. Kind of reverse psychology, I guess. Good luck to you all.
Carol see more
Question
Who do I contact about getting caregiver support for 84 yr old lady with no family in State?
If you go to the state website and type "aging" in the search box (or type the state name and "aging services" into... If you go to the state website and type "aging" in the search box (or type the state name and "aging services" into your browser), you should see a list of local options. Choose one that looks promising and contact someone asking for help. Eventually, they will get you to the right agency.
Thank you for caring.
Carol see more
Thank you for caring.
Carol see more
Question
How do caregivers give up everything and make it financially?
You are right. Many caregivers have given up their current financial security to take care of family members, however the fact is that if... You are right. Many caregivers have given up their current financial security to take care of family members, however the fact is that if they are no longer working a paying job they aren't adding to Social Security benefits and retirement, so they are also giving up some long-term financial security.
There's a big different between the time our parents cared for their parents and now. Health care didn't eat up most of a person's income with co-pays, etc. back then. Also, one wage earner often could keep a family going. Now, it's harder to do that. We have much more to consider financially than most of our parents did. Yet, many of us dive in and do it anyway.
You may be interested in this article I wrote on the subject:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/quit-job-to-care-for-parents-150227.htm
Thanks for weighing in on this important topic. It presents a huge dilemma for many adult children.
Carol see more
There's a big different between the time our parents cared for their parents and now. Health care didn't eat up most of a person's income with co-pays, etc. back then. Also, one wage earner often could keep a family going. Now, it's harder to do that. We have much more to consider financially than most of our parents did. Yet, many of us dive in and do it anyway.
You may be interested in this article I wrote on the subject:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/quit-job-to-care-for-parents-150227.htm
Thanks for weighing in on this important topic. It presents a huge dilemma for many adult children.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help my husband with Alzheimer's express thoughts?
You could check with a speech therapist. Some specialize in Alzheimer's patients. However, do realize that this inability to express... You could check with a speech therapist. Some specialize in Alzheimer's patients.
However, do realize that this inability to express his thoughts is part of the disease. You, as a caregiver, don't want to frustrate him or erode his self-esteem. Trying to coach someone with AD can be hard.
One thing you may try is to have pictures of things he may talk about and if he's grasping for words (or someone's name) make a guess and show him a picture. If that's right, it may relax him enough to continue.
Do try to check with a speech therapist just in case a professional can help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
However, do realize that this inability to express his thoughts is part of the disease. You, as a caregiver, don't want to frustrate him or erode his self-esteem. Trying to coach someone with AD can be hard.
One thing you may try is to have pictures of things he may talk about and if he's grasping for words (or someone's name) make a guess and show him a picture. If that's right, it may relax him enough to continue.
Do try to check with a speech therapist just in case a professional can help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is anyone have trouble keeping an Alzheimer's patient in a sleep clinic?
I'm sorry to say that it's unlikely he'd keep the device on at this stage of his disease. It's entirely possible that he... I'm sorry to say that it's unlikely he'd keep the device on at this stage of his disease. It's entirely possible that he was extremely anxious in his new surroundings and confused about what he was doing there. I know that treating sleep apnea has shown some promise in preventing AD, or maybe in early stages, but to expect someone already having significant symptoms to cooperate with the technology is, in my way of thinking, expecting more than he can handle.
As to your question about the insurance, I suppose it depends on the carrier. If it's Medicare and they don't cover it, be sure to appeal. You can go to their site at www.medicare.gov to find out how.
Good luck,
Carol see more
As to your question about the insurance, I suppose it depends on the carrier. If it's Medicare and they don't cover it, be sure to appeal. You can go to their site at www.medicare.gov to find out how.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do not to feel so overwhelmed by all of my moms health issues? Plus get out of depression?
Hi Kellyb, What you are feeling is very normal. Your son and your relationship with your significant other deserve your time. Your deserve... Hi Kellyb,
What you are feeling is very normal. Your son and your relationship with your significant other deserve your time. Your deserve your own time, as well. It's wonderful that you have helped and are willing to continue helping your mom, but you need to make some hard choices.
I get the impression that your mom lives with you. I hope you will find some living arrangement for her that doesn't include you being her lifeline. Assisted living may work since she sounds like she needs help. She may or may not be ready for a nursing home yet. If you can find a way to hire in-home help before making a final decision, that could help. But you do need something more permanent.
You mention that you are closer to God now. Are you close to your spiritual leader? Maybe you can get some assistance through him or her that will help you line up some changes for your mom.
You can also go to your state website. Type the name of your state into your browser along with the word "aging." If you do that, you should find services for aging people offered by your state. Their version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program should offer you some contacts who can help you figure out local services.
Please continue to check this site often. And please keep us informed on how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
What you are feeling is very normal. Your son and your relationship with your significant other deserve your time. Your deserve your own time, as well. It's wonderful that you have helped and are willing to continue helping your mom, but you need to make some hard choices.
I get the impression that your mom lives with you. I hope you will find some living arrangement for her that doesn't include you being her lifeline. Assisted living may work since she sounds like she needs help. She may or may not be ready for a nursing home yet. If you can find a way to hire in-home help before making a final decision, that could help. But you do need something more permanent.
You mention that you are closer to God now. Are you close to your spiritual leader? Maybe you can get some assistance through him or her that will help you line up some changes for your mom.
You can also go to your state website. Type the name of your state into your browser along with the word "aging." If you do that, you should find services for aging people offered by your state. Their version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program should offer you some contacts who can help you figure out local services.
Please continue to check this site often. And please keep us informed on how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
Mom wants to sell their home and move into their mobile home in another state. How do I handle this?
Good luck,
Carol see more