Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Sister visits and always asks about her inheritance. Money may run out. Thoughts?
Your mother's money is there for her care. If there's anything left after she has been well cared for (as you are doing) and her... Your mother's money is there for her care. If there's anything left after she has been well cared for (as you are doing) and her life ends, then the family will get a cut. To be hounding you about inheritance is disgusting, yet as you can see from the responses, is not unusual. I'm sorry your have to put up with this. Just know that you are doing the right thing.
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Question
What is the best way to recover after the passing of the person cared for?
Hi Soozi, Mostly, we need to overcome our grief in our own way, often with the help of friends, a spiritual leader or counselor. Then we... Hi Soozi,
Mostly, we need to overcome our grief in our own way, often with the help of friends, a spiritual leader or counselor. Then we remember the good, if we can, and while not forgetting the tough times, we gain perspective.
This article may help a little:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Mostly, we need to overcome our grief in our own way, often with the help of friends, a spiritual leader or counselor. Then we remember the good, if we can, and while not forgetting the tough times, we gain perspective.
This article may help a little:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If your Mom smokes, would you buy her cigarettes?
Jeannie said a mouthful. If you can switch your mom to the new ecigarettes, that's ideal, and maybe if you won't get her anything... Jeannie said a mouthful. If you can switch your mom to the new ecigarettes, that's ideal, and maybe if you won't get her anything else, it's worth a try. In the end, smoking is a powerful addiction and if she's not willing to get support to quit, she'll find a way. A substitute like the ecigarette may be your answer. If it doesn't work now while she can still get her own cigarettes, it may work later when she can't.
Not only do adult children of smokers have to make this decision., but children of elders with other addictions do, too. Alcohol and drugs are used widely by the elders we are caring for. A dilemma such as yours is being faced daily by countless caregivers. Please keep in touch on this forum and discuss it. You and others can keep brainstorming.
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Not only do adult children of smokers have to make this decision., but children of elders with other addictions do, too. Alcohol and drugs are used widely by the elders we are caring for. A dilemma such as yours is being faced daily by countless caregivers. Please keep in touch on this forum and discuss it. You and others can keep brainstorming.
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Question
How do I get my father to go to the doctor?
Hi Annie, Skinonna has terrific insight. Unfortunately, her last sentence is all to true. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do until... Hi Annie,
Skinonna has terrific insight. Unfortunately, her last sentence is all to true. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do until something so serious happens that an ambulance must be called. Your father is an adult who can make his own decisions. Fear that a doctor will find something serious can be just one of many reasons people won't see a doctor.
That being said, I've got one suggestion that may or may not work. If he he won't got for a "general checkup" as suggested by the family, perhaps a friend of his could talk him into going for a checkup. Often, elders get very stubborn about doing what their adult children tell them to do. It's kind of reflexive. Even a spouse can have trouble getting through. But an "outsider" who has no family influence may not bring out that resistance so much. If he has an old friend you could talk honestly with, perhaps that person could talk him into a visit to the doctor.
I am hoping for the best, here, as all too often this type of behavior goes on until there's something more serious to contend with. Fear is powerful, and I'm afraid that's what going on here.
Take care,
Carol see more
Skinonna has terrific insight. Unfortunately, her last sentence is all to true. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do until something so serious happens that an ambulance must be called. Your father is an adult who can make his own decisions. Fear that a doctor will find something serious can be just one of many reasons people won't see a doctor.
That being said, I've got one suggestion that may or may not work. If he he won't got for a "general checkup" as suggested by the family, perhaps a friend of his could talk him into going for a checkup. Often, elders get very stubborn about doing what their adult children tell them to do. It's kind of reflexive. Even a spouse can have trouble getting through. But an "outsider" who has no family influence may not bring out that resistance so much. If he has an old friend you could talk honestly with, perhaps that person could talk him into a visit to the doctor.
I am hoping for the best, here, as all too often this type of behavior goes on until there's something more serious to contend with. Fear is powerful, and I'm afraid that's what going on here.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How many times can Mom bounce back?
This must be incredibly hard on you. As you say, you're glad she's alive and doing okay, but this repeated near death situation is... This must be incredibly hard on you. As you say, you're glad she's alive and doing okay, but this repeated near death situation is dreadful.
My mother-in-law had several near-fatal seizures. Though her recoveries weren't as dramatic as your mother's, she did pull through. One day I got a call and another was in progress. I had the stomach flu and didn't dare go near anybody, so I just hoped this would be another recovery. It wasn't. I still feel bad (if I let myself) that I didn't go up to sit with her.
My point is that one of these times will be your mother's last. She can't physically keep this up. A rally before death is very common, but she seems to be setting records. Keep us posted and try to take care of yourself. It's very possible that she may slip away when you aren't there. If so, please, please don't blame yourself.
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My mother-in-law had several near-fatal seizures. Though her recoveries weren't as dramatic as your mother's, she did pull through. One day I got a call and another was in progress. I had the stomach flu and didn't dare go near anybody, so I just hoped this would be another recovery. It wasn't. I still feel bad (if I let myself) that I didn't go up to sit with her.
My point is that one of these times will be your mother's last. She can't physically keep this up. A rally before death is very common, but she seems to be setting records. Keep us posted and try to take care of yourself. It's very possible that she may slip away when you aren't there. If so, please, please don't blame yourself.
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Question
Any ideas about how to get someone to wash their hair?
You've had some good suggestions and she's turning you down. Often elders' stubborn behavior is about the pain they feeling... You've had some good suggestions and she's turning you down. Often elders' stubborn behavior is about the pain they feeling over losing autonomy.
No one has died (that I know of) from unwashed hair. Maybe a little reverse psychology could work - as in just ignoring her hair. Suggest social outings, have people in, etc. and don't mention a thing about hair. Eventually, she may decide on her own to do something. Another thought is that if she has a good friend you can trust, tell her what you're doing. Then, maybe the friend will be able to suggest a join trip to a salon or something.
Sometimes, elders really hate being told - no matter how nicely or with how much love - what to do by their kids. They'll dig in their heels. But later, if we leave them to themselves, they'll "decide" to get a new hairstyle or just plain wash their hair or ask for help.
Good luck.
Carol see more
No one has died (that I know of) from unwashed hair. Maybe a little reverse psychology could work - as in just ignoring her hair. Suggest social outings, have people in, etc. and don't mention a thing about hair. Eventually, she may decide on her own to do something. Another thought is that if she has a good friend you can trust, tell her what you're doing. Then, maybe the friend will be able to suggest a join trip to a salon or something.
Sometimes, elders really hate being told - no matter how nicely or with how much love - what to do by their kids. They'll dig in their heels. But later, if we leave them to themselves, they'll "decide" to get a new hairstyle or just plain wash their hair or ask for help.
Good luck.
Carol see more
Question
Is it legal to place a nanny-cam in a private nursing home to see if Dad is being abused?
From the sound of things, likely this is your dad's way of trying to get you to do what he wants. That being said, you are right that... From the sound of things, likely this is your dad's way of trying to get you to do what he wants. That being said, you are right that you'd feel horrible if he was telling the truth. I think you'd see bruising (elders generally bruise easily), but still a camera may set your mind to rest.
As long as the camera is focused on your dad, I don't see a legal issue but every state is different. You may want to check with www.ltcombusdsman.org. Go to the site, type in the Zip code of the nursing home, and your ombudsman (representative) can give you the information you need. Good luck,
Carol see more
As long as the camera is focused on your dad, I don't see a legal issue but every state is different. You may want to check with www.ltcombusdsman.org. Go to the site, type in the Zip code of the nursing home, and your ombudsman (representative) can give you the information you need. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Do I tell my dad I am liquidating his "stuff" and selling his home?
I agree with Christina. He needs to be told at least once, just as you'd tell someone about a death. Then, reassure him that you are... I agree with Christina. He needs to be told at least once, just as you'd tell someone about a death. Then, reassure him that you are handling it. Ask him about his favorite memories and try to save some things even if you have to store them for awhile, as you never know when he'll want something later on. You may want to take detailed pictures of many items, and do save photographs and other special memorabilia. Good luck to you. This won't be easy but it makes sense to move on with the project. Do so gently and with compassion and you should do okay.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Why do I now feel guilty about calling in hospice?
You were not wrong. Your daughter is suffering from grief and needs to blame someone, so she's putting the blame on you. I'd... You were not wrong. Your daughter is suffering from grief and needs to blame someone, so she's putting the blame on you. I'd suggest that you both attend the grief counseling support groups that most hospices offer for up to 13 months after a death. You'll find out that they do not starve people. They stop giving sustenance when the body can no longer properly use food and feeding would simply stress the body. If it's even absorbed because of tube feeding, it just prolongs life to enough to keep the person breathing. You were compassionate toward your husband who was dying by not dragging out the procedure. Try to understand your daughter's grief and get the support you need through hospice. You can also seek professional counseling separately. Just know that what you did was allow him to die naturally with dignity rather than prolonging artificial life.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Is it safe for mom to take antihistamine (25 mg) at bedtime AND 3mg melatonin?
Melatonin is often suggested by MDs who are open to integrated ways of helping people. Why not try her pharmacist? He or she may be able... Melatonin is often suggested by MDs who are open to integrated ways of helping people.
Why not try her pharmacist? He or she may be able to tell you if there is any interaction with melatonin and her other medications. Pharmacists are drug specialists, so they can be a super resource.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Why not try her pharmacist? He or she may be able to tell you if there is any interaction with melatonin and her other medications. Pharmacists are drug specialists, so they can be a super resource.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is it illegal to stop administering prescribed non-life saving meds to someone w/dementia? Her body's alive, b...
You are not demented or anything but compassionate. It seems as though your mother must be in late stage dementia. I'd talk with the... You are not demented or anything but compassionate. It seems as though your mother must be in late stage dementia. I'd talk with the doctor about hospice care. They do not administer life extending drugs. They do control any pain. If your mom is considered terminal within six months, she should qualify. Late stage Alzheimer's is generally considered terminal. If her current doctor isn't sure about her status you can ask for a second opinion.
Good luck. Many of us know what it is to see our loved ones "live" through years of misery. Few people would choose to linger like that with no hope.
Carol see more
Good luck. Many of us know what it is to see our loved ones "live" through years of misery. Few people would choose to linger like that with no hope.
Carol see more
Question
Mom has Alzheimer's, she faints then vomits. Is this common in Alzheimer's patients?
This is not anything I've heard of. I'd suggest she see a doctor as soon as possible.
Take care,
Carol
Take care,
Carol
Question
Mom is 86 with dementia. Doesn't read or knit, just does nothing. Doesn't even want to put her teeth in. Any...
Apparently she has been seen by a doctor, since you mention depression medication. Since her work was here life, she likely misses the... Apparently she has been seen by a doctor, since you mention depression medication. Since her work was here life, she likely misses the social aspects of work. Have your thought about adult day care or even assisted living?
You could begin with adult day care and see if the increased socialization perks her up. If, after an adjustment time, that does the trick, adc may be your answer.
Otherwise, it seems like she may benefit from having others around in an assisted living environment. The way she is, she's likely to just waste away (which you realize or you wouldn't have asked). I hope you can find a social outlet for her. Expect her to resist at first, since that's a normal reaction to anything new. But you could very likely find that before long she could hardly wait for her time at adc. If she wants to "work," they'll let her work and help her feel useful. She likely misses that.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You could begin with adult day care and see if the increased socialization perks her up. If, after an adjustment time, that does the trick, adc may be your answer.
Otherwise, it seems like she may benefit from having others around in an assisted living environment. The way she is, she's likely to just waste away (which you realize or you wouldn't have asked). I hope you can find a social outlet for her. Expect her to resist at first, since that's a normal reaction to anything new. But you could very likely find that before long she could hardly wait for her time at adc. If she wants to "work," they'll let her work and help her feel useful. She likely misses that.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Hospice is coming today to evaluate my 94 yo Mom after her GP ordered them. Now she's doing better (eating) ca...
It sounds to me like she is rallying. That is very common. People often are so heartened by such a rally that can come near death that they... It sounds to me like she is rallying. That is very common. People often are so heartened by such a rally that can come near death that they think their loved one is on the road to recovery, only to find them near death a day later.
I'd be surprised if hospice uses a feeding tube. They rarely use any life prolonging measures as the reason they exist is to help people who are dying live their last weeks or days more comfortably, but they don't prolong the process.
Many of us have been through similar situations as yours, so we can join with you in spirit. This is tough for you, but your mother will eventually pass quietly and finally find peace. Blessings,
Carol see more
I'd be surprised if hospice uses a feeding tube. They rarely use any life prolonging measures as the reason they exist is to help people who are dying live their last weeks or days more comfortably, but they don't prolong the process.
Many of us have been through similar situations as yours, so we can join with you in spirit. This is tough for you, but your mother will eventually pass quietly and finally find peace. Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
How do I deal with my grandma's guilt, anxiety, and depression?
Hi MusicLover, I hope for both of you that you can break some of that physical isolation. Starting with your last statement, I wouldn't... Hi MusicLover,
I hope for both of you that you can break some of that physical isolation. Starting with your last statement, I wouldn't negate the fact that medication could help your grandmother. She may not need more than more socialization, but she could likely use a checkup with a geriatrician (if possible), or at least a general physician who knows and respects the aging process. Then, if she has issues that medication could help, that approach can be discussed. She could even sleep better with the right medication.
Not knowing where you live, it's hard to give you ideas about socialization for her, but senior centers often offer very nice times for elders. A social outlet can change (at least enhance) lives. It would be good if you could hone your driving skills. If you live near a very large city, there could be outlets for your grandma in the suburbs which wouldn't be as challenging for your Grandma.
Even if you aren't very social (I understand this, myself, as I'm no social butterfly), everyone needs some social contacts. If you like to read you could join Friends of the Library. If you like to knit or have another hobby, there are groups you can join. Or, you can just renew an old friendship from the past. But you and your grandmother shouldn't be totally dependent on each other for company. If you each had other social outlets you'd have more to talk about when you're together.
I hope that you will look outside of your home with Grandma for more help. You began by asking a question here on the forum. Please keep writing and let us know how you are doing. Next, I'd advise you to have grandma get a good physical. Then, look into social outlets for both of you.
Good luck to you. It's no wonder you get depressed and burned out. I'd like to hear that you've seen a doctor, as well.
Carol see more
I hope for both of you that you can break some of that physical isolation. Starting with your last statement, I wouldn't negate the fact that medication could help your grandmother. She may not need more than more socialization, but she could likely use a checkup with a geriatrician (if possible), or at least a general physician who knows and respects the aging process. Then, if she has issues that medication could help, that approach can be discussed. She could even sleep better with the right medication.
Not knowing where you live, it's hard to give you ideas about socialization for her, but senior centers often offer very nice times for elders. A social outlet can change (at least enhance) lives. It would be good if you could hone your driving skills. If you live near a very large city, there could be outlets for your grandma in the suburbs which wouldn't be as challenging for your Grandma.
Even if you aren't very social (I understand this, myself, as I'm no social butterfly), everyone needs some social contacts. If you like to read you could join Friends of the Library. If you like to knit or have another hobby, there are groups you can join. Or, you can just renew an old friendship from the past. But you and your grandmother shouldn't be totally dependent on each other for company. If you each had other social outlets you'd have more to talk about when you're together.
I hope that you will look outside of your home with Grandma for more help. You began by asking a question here on the forum. Please keep writing and let us know how you are doing. Next, I'd advise you to have grandma get a good physical. Then, look into social outlets for both of you.
Good luck to you. It's no wonder you get depressed and burned out. I'd like to hear that you've seen a doctor, as well.
Carol see more
Question
Do I have any right to stay or should I just leave?
Unfortunately, there's a difference between legal rights and moral rights. Much depends on whose name this property is in, and as... Unfortunately, there's a difference between legal rights and moral rights. Much depends on whose name this property is in, and as mentioned above, your age. I'm so sorry you are in this horrible situation. You may want to contact your state's attorney's office and see is there is any pro bono (free) help available for someone like you.
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Carol see more
Question
Mom recently passed, sister with OCD lives with Dad? She does not understand Dad's dementia. What do I do?
I agree with your father needing other care. Your sister has a serious condition and her OCD likely makes it impossible for her to handle... I agree with your father needing other care. Your sister has a serious condition and her OCD likely makes it impossible for her to handle the stress of coping with your dad's Parkinson's. You will be taking on a great deal just caring for your sister, so your dad would likely be better off with reliable care.
This won't be easy, as you already know. Reassuring your sister that you'll both be able to take better care of Dad if he has professional caregivers may help. Tell her how your dad will stiffen up physically and will need so much physical care that it won't be safe for him for the two of you to do it alone. Try to explain this to him, as well. This move would be for his safety and well being. Make sure that they both understand that you will visit often and still be his caregivers(s).
Does your sister have a social worker? Maybe this person could help you with some of the questions since she or he will know of your sister's disability. Your dad's doctor may also be a resource for support.
You will need support too. I hope you come back and join the community here. You also may want to attend a Parkinson's caregiver support group.
Take care,
Carol see more
This won't be easy, as you already know. Reassuring your sister that you'll both be able to take better care of Dad if he has professional caregivers may help. Tell her how your dad will stiffen up physically and will need so much physical care that it won't be safe for him for the two of you to do it alone. Try to explain this to him, as well. This move would be for his safety and well being. Make sure that they both understand that you will visit often and still be his caregivers(s).
Does your sister have a social worker? Maybe this person could help you with some of the questions since she or he will know of your sister's disability. Your dad's doctor may also be a resource for support.
You will need support too. I hope you come back and join the community here. You also may want to attend a Parkinson's caregiver support group.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What are siblings legal rights to know about mom's stage 5 Alzheimer's since sister has taken control and lies...
It's got to be horrible for you to sit on the sidelines and see this manipulation. This is a very tough situation, but you seem to have... It's got to be horrible for you to sit on the sidelines and see this manipulation.
This is a very tough situation, but you seem to have siblings who can back you so in some way, if you can gather strength from each other, maybe you can approach your mother together.
If you are asked to contribute to your Mom's finances, you should be getting an accounting of why the money is needed and how it's used. Your sister shouldn't balk at that and you can feel free to hold back money until she gives you an accounting.
From an outside view, your sister seems to be skewing everything in her direction and using your mom. If you think your mom is in a dangerous situation (not enough help) you could ask Social Services to do a welfare check. You could, also, of course, ask for help from an elder law attorney. However, be prepared for
a permanent family split if you do.
My heart is with you,
Carol see more
This is a very tough situation, but you seem to have siblings who can back you so in some way, if you can gather strength from each other, maybe you can approach your mother together.
If you are asked to contribute to your Mom's finances, you should be getting an accounting of why the money is needed and how it's used. Your sister shouldn't balk at that and you can feel free to hold back money until she gives you an accounting.
From an outside view, your sister seems to be skewing everything in her direction and using your mom. If you think your mom is in a dangerous situation (not enough help) you could ask Social Services to do a welfare check. You could, also, of course, ask for help from an elder law attorney. However, be prepared for
a permanent family split if you do.
My heart is with you,
Carol see more
Question
How can I help mom make a decision about independent living?
I completely agree with NancyH. Visit any possibilities together. When you do, ask questions of the staff. If you notice family members... I completely agree with NancyH. Visit any possibilities together.
When you do, ask questions of the staff. If you notice family members with residents, try to chat with a few. Don't just take one person's view, however. Some people are too easily pleased and some people no one can please. But with patience, you may get a good feel for others' opinions.
My favorite technique is to try to get a feel for how the staff treat one another. Is there a feeling of respect for each other and of some enjoyment of their jobs? Everyone one and every facility has tough days, but still your gut should tell you something.
Good luck,
Carol see more
When you do, ask questions of the staff. If you notice family members with residents, try to chat with a few. Don't just take one person's view, however. Some people are too easily pleased and some people no one can please. But with patience, you may get a good feel for others' opinions.
My favorite technique is to try to get a feel for how the staff treat one another. Is there a feeling of respect for each other and of some enjoyment of their jobs? Everyone one and every facility has tough days, but still your gut should tell you something.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I'm mom's POA and in charge of her Medicare money. Will Medicare allow me to put some of her money toward buri...
Good luck,
Carol see more