Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Frail brother can't afford new primary residence but can't keep living alone. Options?
The "in-law quarters" may be a good idea. Each state is a bit different in their requirements, but I think this is something... The "in-law quarters" may be a good idea. Each state is a bit different in their requirements, but I think this is something worth checking into. There are ready-made units and of course custom built. I hope this works out for you all.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What to do for screaming constantly in nursing home?
Of course you're at your wit's end! I'm assuming that she sees a doctor regularly? If not, try to take her in. Also, if you... Of course you're at your wit's end! I'm assuming that she sees a doctor regularly? If not, try to take her in.
Also, if you feel the nursing home isn't doing what it should for her care, go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. This will give you the contact information for the nursing home you are dealing with. The ombudsman is your personal representative for long-term care facilities, so you can get some important information just from chatting with him or her. Good luck,
Carol see more
Also, if you feel the nursing home isn't doing what it should for her care, go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. This will give you the contact information for the nursing home you are dealing with. The ombudsman is your personal representative for long-term care facilities, so you can get some important information just from chatting with him or her. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom with dementia asked dad, "When am I going to get better?"
You are very wise, my friend. You'll be handling these issues often. We tell the truth at first, but after that, whatever helps our... You are very wise, my friend. You'll be handling these issues often. We tell the truth at first, but after that, whatever helps our loved one cope with life is best. Good luck and please keep sharing your wisdom and asking questions.
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Carol see more
Question
Caregiver health?
As usual, Jeannie is right on target. I agree with everything she mentions. I do feel that family dynamics are the problem. Your dad... As usual, Jeannie is right on target. I agree with everything she mentions. I do feel that family dynamics are the problem. Your dad doesn't want his "kid" to tell him what to do. Your partner is different. It's very hard for many elders to accept help from an adult child, so some of them become difficult. They feel that you are trying to "boss" them. They can look at an outsider as just help.
It doesn't seem right, but it happens often. So, as Jeannie says, if you let your partner take over more of the care your father objects to, then maybe you can work on building your relationship. It's not always practical to do this and it won't always work, but knowledge of this odd dynamic may help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It doesn't seem right, but it happens often. So, as Jeannie says, if you let your partner take over more of the care your father objects to, then maybe you can work on building your relationship. It's not always practical to do this and it won't always work, but knowledge of this odd dynamic may help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I find out my parents doctor and if I'm able to ask them questions regarding my parents care?
First of all, ask your dad to sign the HIPAA form that allows you access to his medical records. That at least will allow you to help him... First of all, ask your dad to sign the HIPAA form that allows you access to his medical records. That at least will allow you to help him in the future. As far as your mother is concerned - and she's likely the one who needs your help the most - how much sway does your dad have with her? Can he tell her that it's necessary that they sign the forms for you to help them in need?
They really should have a Power Of Attorney drawn up with you or someone they trust as a representative. When they do this, they should have one drawn up for health, as well. That document should include the appropriate HIPAA language that would allow you to not only attend your mother's appointments, but help her if she and your dad are both incapacitated. If you can let them know that this is normal procedure, maybe you can talk them into it. If you think that your mom will fight this, see if one of their contemporaries - a long term friend or relative - could help them see the necessity of this move.
Good luck to you. This is the frustrating unintended consequence of the privacy laws.
Carol see more
They really should have a Power Of Attorney drawn up with you or someone they trust as a representative. When they do this, they should have one drawn up for health, as well. That document should include the appropriate HIPAA language that would allow you to not only attend your mother's appointments, but help her if she and your dad are both incapacitated. If you can let them know that this is normal procedure, maybe you can talk them into it. If you think that your mom will fight this, see if one of their contemporaries - a long term friend or relative - could help them see the necessity of this move.
Good luck to you. This is the frustrating unintended consequence of the privacy laws.
Carol see more
Question
My mother-in-law is having trouble telling time. Is this the beginning of something bad?
Parkinson's can also include cognitive issues though it doesn't for everyone. I'd want a more clear idea of her diagnosis. She... Parkinson's can also include cognitive issues though it doesn't for everyone. I'd want a more clear idea of her diagnosis. She could have Parkinson's and also have a type of dementia that is just showing symptoms now. Your idea of telling those who are around her to be patient is wonderful. Please do that.
But also follow up on what is actually going on. Anything from a urinary tract infection to the medications she's taking could be causing these symptoms so she needs medical attention. Then, when you know what is going on you'll be more able to know what to expect.
Take care,
Carol see more
But also follow up on what is actually going on. Anything from a urinary tract infection to the medications she's taking could be causing these symptoms so she needs medical attention. Then, when you know what is going on you'll be more able to know what to expect.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Should my mom with low income be paying medical deductions?
If she's on Medicaid, they would have a designated "spend down" and then they pay everything else. I'd contact the social... If she's on Medicaid, they would have a designated "spend down" and then they pay everything else. I'd contact the social worker who handles her Medicaid and ask. They could be just charging the spend down, or their could be a mistake. It never hurts to check.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can I legally purchase insurance on my mom?
I'm so sorry for your financial situation. Many of us have seen every penny of our elders' money go to their care, but that's... I'm so sorry for your financial situation. Many of us have seen every penny of our elders' money go to their care, but that's what it's for. Still, it's hard on everyone.
I imagine (but don't know) that you could legally buy the insurance, but I really doubt that any company would give you a policy on her. She is clearly close to death, so they know that they'd have to pay out.
Talk with the Medicaid people about burial. They have seen this situation before.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I imagine (but don't know) that you could legally buy the insurance, but I really doubt that any company would give you a policy on her. She is clearly close to death, so they know that they'd have to pay out.
Talk with the Medicaid people about burial. They have seen this situation before.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
MIL will be disqualified for Medicaid, what can we do?
Good advice, here. I recommend an elder law attorney if there isn't time to try for pro bono advice through the state law office. Your... Good advice, here. I recommend an elder law attorney if there isn't time to try for pro bono advice through the state law office. Your mother wouldn't be "kicked out," unless no one paid her bill, but that would mount up as you wait, so yes, time is of the essence.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Paper towel for female genitals?
Personally, I'd think a warm wash cloth and towel dry at least twice a day would be optimal, with perhaps special wipes used for... Personally, I'd think a warm wash cloth and towel dry at least twice a day would be optimal, with perhaps special wipes used for in-between times. A paper towel is far too rough and I'd complain about that if I saw this myself. The same with no cleaning when a wet diaper is removed - that doesn't make sense.
As far as actual requirements, I'd check with your state and/or county licensing board. One way you could find the right place to check is to contact the ombudsman for that nursing home. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type the home's Zip code into the proper space. The contact information for your ombudsman will come up. This person can be very useful for many things related to the NH. If he or she can't give you a direct answer, they'll tell you the appropriate local authority to ask.
Good luck,
Carol see more
As far as actual requirements, I'd check with your state and/or county licensing board. One way you could find the right place to check is to contact the ombudsman for that nursing home. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type the home's Zip code into the proper space. The contact information for your ombudsman will come up. This person can be very useful for many things related to the NH. If he or she can't give you a direct answer, they'll tell you the appropriate local authority to ask.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom's been crying at least an hour each day, when I ask her why she says she doesn't know. Anyone else experi...
I agree that you can't make her happy. She may be anxious or frightened, so you can ask her what's bothering her. I'd validate... I agree that you can't make her happy. She may be anxious or frightened, so you can ask her what's bothering her. I'd validate her feelings, saying something like, "I know, Mom. Life is tough sometimes." Once you've validated her feelings you can try for distraction which may or may not work. Comfort her if you can, but don't let this rule your life. Continue working with her doctor.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I deeded my home to my son six years ago, will this affect my Medicaid application?
The federal law requires a five year look at what assets you shed, so you should be fine from the federal standpoint. Medicaid, however,... The federal law requires a five year look at what assets you shed, so you should be fine from the federal standpoint.
Medicaid, however, does differ between states, so you'll need to check with a Medicaid specialist in your state such as an elder law attorney to see if New York has stronger rules.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Medicaid, however, does differ between states, so you'll need to check with a Medicaid specialist in your state such as an elder law attorney to see if New York has stronger rules.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I handle my 91 year old father's constant lying?
This absolutely sounds like dementia. He believes what he says. He's confused about what he actually did with news reports about... This absolutely sounds like dementia. He believes what he says. He's confused about what he actually did with news reports about what's going on in the world. He also is likely confusing what he actually did with things he wishes he did. To him, it's real, and basically all the same.
Your dad needs an evaluation with a specialist to see if dementia is present, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if they find Alzheimer's or another type of dementia.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your dad needs an evaluation with a specialist to see if dementia is present, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if they find Alzheimer's or another type of dementia.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can caretakers get married?
People do date and marry under these circumstance. However, it takes a special spouse to cope with an in-law who has dementia, and a new... People do date and marry under these circumstance. However, it takes a special spouse to cope with an in-law who has dementia, and a new marriage also takes extra care. This wouldn't be the easiest beginning for a marriage, but I'm sure it can work if people work at it.
I'd take time to expose the prospective spouse to all of the care issues so that there are no surprises other than the ones that occur daily for caregivers. The prospective spouse may also want to become educated about dementia by going to the National Alzheimer's Foundation website at www.alz.org.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
I'd take time to expose the prospective spouse to all of the care issues so that there are no surprises other than the ones that occur daily for caregivers. The prospective spouse may also want to become educated about dementia by going to the National Alzheimer's Foundation website at www.alz.org.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
My mother is wearing me out, can anyone relate?
I smiled when I saw how many people jumped on your question. This is simply a wonderful forum! You have no reason to feel guilty. I'd... I smiled when I saw how many people jumped on your question. This is simply a wonderful forum!
You have no reason to feel guilty. I'd suggest that you try to find a way out of this situation. You are fortunate that your husband is a "saint," but your whole family has been affected by this for years. You have a right to some privacy again.
Please look into assisted living or a nursing home for your mother. You'll pay a price going through the process but you'll see light at the end of the tunnel.
It's very true that you will still be a caregiver, even with your mother in senior care. But you will have some opportunity for some life of your own.
Take care of yourself before your own health is shot.
Carol see more
You have no reason to feel guilty. I'd suggest that you try to find a way out of this situation. You are fortunate that your husband is a "saint," but your whole family has been affected by this for years. You have a right to some privacy again.
Please look into assisted living or a nursing home for your mother. You'll pay a price going through the process but you'll see light at the end of the tunnel.
It's very true that you will still be a caregiver, even with your mother in senior care. But you will have some opportunity for some life of your own.
Take care of yourself before your own health is shot.
Carol see more
Question
What rights do I have to find out info on my grandmothers well being at an ALF if I don't have POA?
You're right that this is very unfortunate. Unless you have HIPAA (The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) forms in... You're right that this is very unfortunate. Unless you have HIPAA (The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) forms in hand giving you the right to information, the AL likely can't give you any. HIPAA language is part of the POA for health care or health directive, but can also be just a form on its own.
Is there anyone in your family who can talk some sense into your aunt so she'll give you permission to take your grandmother for a ride? You could try to fight this legally, but it likely would be expensive and I don't know that you could win.
It's just so sad that a family member would do this to you. I'm really sorry. Do try to find someone to intercede for you.
Carol see more
Is there anyone in your family who can talk some sense into your aunt so she'll give you permission to take your grandmother for a ride? You could try to fight this legally, but it likely would be expensive and I don't know that you could win.
It's just so sad that a family member would do this to you. I'm really sorry. Do try to find someone to intercede for you.
Carol see more
Question
Mom wears depends but she started ripping them apart. She rips everything apart. How can we stop this?
Unfortunately, this is not unusual for people with dementia. If she hasn't been diagnosed, she needs to see a doctor. Skin picking,... Unfortunately, this is not unusual for people with dementia. If she hasn't been diagnosed, she needs to see a doctor. Skin picking, tissue ripping and yes, tearing at her briefs, could be a sign of anxiety and/or frustration, both of which are part of many types of dementia. Her other behaviors are variations of "normal" for the disease, as well.
I'd have a chat with her doctor about this because her behavior seems to indicate that she is very anxious. He or she may say that this is just part of the disease and not much can be done, but there's a chance that a medication adjustment may help.
Good luck with this. If nothing improves, you may want to consider either in-home help or assisted living/nursing home options. You, understandably, sound like you are hitting your limit, which, too, is normal.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'd have a chat with her doctor about this because her behavior seems to indicate that she is very anxious. He or she may say that this is just part of the disease and not much can be done, but there's a chance that a medication adjustment may help.
Good luck with this. If nothing improves, you may want to consider either in-home help or assisted living/nursing home options. You, understandably, sound like you are hitting your limit, which, too, is normal.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Nice assisted living facilities are expensive. Mom can pay for 4 years at a nice one, but may outlive it. How...
There's no easy answer, but generally moving people with Alzheimer's sets them back some and the further they are into their... There's no easy answer, but generally moving people with Alzheimer's sets them back some and the further they are into their disease the more damage is done by a move.
However, the other side of that is that she may need a nursing home in her later stages of dementia, unless this AL has a specific dementia unit and she has no other major health problems. My point being that she could, eventually, have to move anyway.
Yes, no matter where she lives, later stages will mean more money.
None of us can see the future. I think I'd make the decision on how much difference there is between the two. If the not so nice AL is really, well, not very nice, then I'd take a chance with the better one. If there isn't a lot of difference, I'd take the lower priced one because that could mean she wouldn't have to move again.
Whatever decision you make, don't blame yourself if down the road you wish that you'd done it differently. That's one of the hazards of caregiving. We have to do the best with the information at hand.
Good luck with the move and please keep in touch,
Carol see more
However, the other side of that is that she may need a nursing home in her later stages of dementia, unless this AL has a specific dementia unit and she has no other major health problems. My point being that she could, eventually, have to move anyway.
Yes, no matter where she lives, later stages will mean more money.
None of us can see the future. I think I'd make the decision on how much difference there is between the two. If the not so nice AL is really, well, not very nice, then I'd take a chance with the better one. If there isn't a lot of difference, I'd take the lower priced one because that could mean she wouldn't have to move again.
Whatever decision you make, don't blame yourself if down the road you wish that you'd done it differently. That's one of the hazards of caregiving. We have to do the best with the information at hand.
Good luck with the move and please keep in touch,
Carol see more
Question
What happens when mom dies and owes taxes?
If the money was in her name when she died, then I'd assume she still owes the taxes and her estate will have to pay or whoever... If the money was in her name when she died, then I'd assume she still owes the taxes and her estate will have to pay or whoever inherited the money she had before she died. Just taking everything out of her name after she died won't wipe out debt if she had the money in the first place. You may want to check with a CPA or an elder law attorney to be sure, since laws change all of the time and this is not my area of expertise, but to the best of my knowledge the money will have to be paid.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Are independent living and assisted living allowed to evict an elderly?
Good luck. This is very upsetting for you, your mom and the other families affected.
Carol see more