Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I handle an irate sibling that had a bad day with Mom?
Sometimes that's what we need - to vent. You've found the right place! It sounds like you have your mother is well taken care of,... Sometimes that's what we need - to vent. You've found the right place!
It sounds like you have your mother is well taken care of, but it's likely that she will need assisted living in the future unless you (or she) can afford to hire full-time care in her retirement condo. The biggest issue with that would be the move. The farther she gets into her dementia, the harder the move could be on her.
Has she always disliked her MD? If so, it's perhaps time to fine a new one. Otherwise, this is just how it's going to be. She will need to see a doctor sometimes whether she wants to or not. I think your sister meant well up until she
lost her temper with your mom. That kind of behavior is bound to produce negative results.
Try to let your sister know that you understand she meant well and that you mom's hating to see the doctor frustrates you, too. What I'm saying is that since you value her help, you may have to give in a little more. If your sister understands that you know she meant well she may not be so insistent on AL at this time. Let her know that you see this move coming and that you want to work with her, not against her.
Sibling issues can be one of the hardest things about adult children caring for their parents. Old childhood rivalries can haunt the relationship and make it hard to see clearly what needs to be done.
We all wish you luck and hope you'll continue to check in.
Take care,
Carol see more
It sounds like you have your mother is well taken care of, but it's likely that she will need assisted living in the future unless you (or she) can afford to hire full-time care in her retirement condo. The biggest issue with that would be the move. The farther she gets into her dementia, the harder the move could be on her.
Has she always disliked her MD? If so, it's perhaps time to fine a new one. Otherwise, this is just how it's going to be. She will need to see a doctor sometimes whether she wants to or not. I think your sister meant well up until she
lost her temper with your mom. That kind of behavior is bound to produce negative results.
Try to let your sister know that you understand she meant well and that you mom's hating to see the doctor frustrates you, too. What I'm saying is that since you value her help, you may have to give in a little more. If your sister understands that you know she meant well she may not be so insistent on AL at this time. Let her know that you see this move coming and that you want to work with her, not against her.
Sibling issues can be one of the hardest things about adult children caring for their parents. Old childhood rivalries can haunt the relationship and make it hard to see clearly what needs to be done.
We all wish you luck and hope you'll continue to check in.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do I need to pay taxes and health benefits to a home care aide?
If you hire someone through an agency they should take care of that. If you hire an independent worker, it would depend on your state, but... If you hire someone through an agency they should take care of that. If you hire an independent worker, it would depend on your state, but it's likely you do. However, if the person is set up as a business and is working as an independent contractor, then maybe you won't. Check with your state employment people about your state laws and ask the worker if he or she is set up as a business or not so you can give the state the proper information.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do people with dementia have pain from it? Can they take pain medication?
There's absolutely no reason why someone with dementia should not have good pain management. I'd talk with your husband's... There's absolutely no reason why someone with dementia should not have good pain management. I'd talk with your husband's doctor about the issue.
It won't change his personality, but anyone in pain is going to be less than cheerful, and if he can't articulate his pain, there's no choice for him but to act out.
If he has no known condition that causes pain, he still could have some aching from arthritis, a muscle spasm or even a headache. In that case, a general pain medication could help a lot.
Please talk with his doctor about the pros and cons so you know what to do to help him, and even yourself.
Take care,
Carol see more
It won't change his personality, but anyone in pain is going to be less than cheerful, and if he can't articulate his pain, there's no choice for him but to act out.
If he has no known condition that causes pain, he still could have some aching from arthritis, a muscle spasm or even a headache. In that case, a general pain medication could help a lot.
Please talk with his doctor about the pros and cons so you know what to do to help him, and even yourself.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My 83 year old mom keeps two loaded hand guns in the house "for protection." How do I deal with this?
This is scary! Do you think you can get rid of the ammunition? While there are some people who can still aim and shoot at 83, a paranoid... This is scary! Do you think you can get rid of the ammunition? While there are some people who can still aim and shoot at 83, a paranoid personality could be a tragedy waiting to happen. If nothing else, you may have to involve law enforcement. I don't know the laws in your state, but they maybe will have suggestions for you. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My mom thinks people steal from her and she swears my 86 year old father is having an affair! Could it be Alz...
Absolutely. She needs to get to a doctor. There are some medications that can mimic dementia, but either way, she needs a diagnosis. The... Absolutely. She needs to get to a doctor. There are some medications that can mimic dementia, but either way, she needs a diagnosis. The behavior you mention is very common in Alzheimer's. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone know about moving a loved one to another state as far as medicaid benefits go?
Igloo seems very informed about the specifics of these two states. She is right in that every state has a unique twist on Medicaid. The... Igloo seems very informed about the specifics of these two states. She is right in that every state has a unique twist on Medicaid. The best thing to do would be to find an expert on FL Medicaid. You could try their state website or call an elder law attorney in the state.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is mom's behavior part of her dementia or just her personality?
All I can do is guess, but I think she believes she is helping. She likely doesn't remember or can't figure out your instructions.... All I can do is guess, but I think she believes she is helping. She likely doesn't remember or can't figure out your instructions. This has got to be irritating for you, but it's likely just the beginning of "strange behaviors." I'd talk with her doctor if she seems to be declining quickly. There may be an adjustment in her medications that could help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My dad has died and mom keeps forgetting. What do I do when she asks to call him?
Hi Tara, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and this agony with your mom. Many of us have lived through this, so I'm glad you... Hi Tara,
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and this agony with your mom. Many of us have lived through this, so I'm glad you wrote.
I agree totally with most of these comments. My feeling is that after a death, we tell the surviving person with dementia just one time about the death. To me, that is about dignity. And you did that. You mom went to the funeral, after all.
After that, if they forget, why put them through it all over again? It brings pain to them, and their renewed grief will bring pain to you, as well.
Whatever could be keeping your dad away - a fishing trip, a business trip - anything that makes sense from their past as a couple, you can use. After saying he's busy, then say he'll be by when he can and quickly distract her to something else. You'll repeat this process often, but whatever you say you'll have to repeat it often, so why not make it easier on both of you?
If your mom doesn't have dementia and just temporarily block out your dad's death, then it's actually harder. My mom had mild dementia, and she blocked out his funeral. She just kept saying "did he really die?" That went on for weeks. There was, under the circumstances, no way to fudge the answer. It was awful for both of us. Mom didn't live too long after Dad died. I think part of her went with him. If this mirrors your situation more than the answers about dementia, then all I can tell you is that she will eventually ask less often. There's not a lot of comfort in that, but we're with you in spirit, if that helps at all.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and this agony with your mom. Many of us have lived through this, so I'm glad you wrote.
I agree totally with most of these comments. My feeling is that after a death, we tell the surviving person with dementia just one time about the death. To me, that is about dignity. And you did that. You mom went to the funeral, after all.
After that, if they forget, why put them through it all over again? It brings pain to them, and their renewed grief will bring pain to you, as well.
Whatever could be keeping your dad away - a fishing trip, a business trip - anything that makes sense from their past as a couple, you can use. After saying he's busy, then say he'll be by when he can and quickly distract her to something else. You'll repeat this process often, but whatever you say you'll have to repeat it often, so why not make it easier on both of you?
If your mom doesn't have dementia and just temporarily block out your dad's death, then it's actually harder. My mom had mild dementia, and she blocked out his funeral. She just kept saying "did he really die?" That went on for weeks. There was, under the circumstances, no way to fudge the answer. It was awful for both of us. Mom didn't live too long after Dad died. I think part of her went with him. If this mirrors your situation more than the answers about dementia, then all I can tell you is that she will eventually ask less often. There's not a lot of comfort in that, but we're with you in spirit, if that helps at all.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
83 yr old dad was just diagnosed with Lewy Bodies Dementia and total body atrophy. Will he now qualify for Med...
Social Security doesn't depend on the state. While your dad is alive, he gets his full SS and your mom gets half (unless she worked and... Social Security doesn't depend on the state. While your dad is alive, he gets his full SS and your mom gets half (unless she worked and had her own that is greater than half of his). When he dies, she gets his SS, but not both.
If your dad goes into a nursing home he should qualify for Medicaid considering their lack of assets. The life insurance policy will be looked at and they'll advise you about what to do with it. You may have to cancel the policy and take cash value if there is any.
State laws vary. But when a spouse goes on Medicaid they have what they call an impoverished spouse setup. She will be allowed a certain amount and Medicaid takes the rest. She won't have a lot, but they won't put her out in the street. It sounds to me like you need to start talking to the Medicaid people.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If your dad goes into a nursing home he should qualify for Medicaid considering their lack of assets. The life insurance policy will be looked at and they'll advise you about what to do with it. You may have to cancel the policy and take cash value if there is any.
State laws vary. But when a spouse goes on Medicaid they have what they call an impoverished spouse setup. She will be allowed a certain amount and Medicaid takes the rest. She won't have a lot, but they won't put her out in the street. It sounds to me like you need to start talking to the Medicaid people.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What's the difference between assisted living & nursing home care? How do you decide what suits your loved one...
First of all, you have already honored the spirit of your promise to "never put her in a nursing home." You've done all you... First of all, you have already honored the spirit of your promise to "never put her in a nursing home." You've done all you can, so don't feel guilty.
Your mom likely thinks of nursing homes as they were decades ago. Most have changed quite a bit, many have changed dramatically. They aren't the warehouses they once were (in most parts of the country).
As to what she needs - I'd say a nursing home. Assisted living is generally for a basically healthy elder who needs some help and increased safety. When a person can only be alone for a couple of hours and has COPD and other physical issues, plus dementia, she should qualify for a nursing home. Since she's already on Medicaid, a nursing home would be paid for, while assisted living may not.
You may have to put her name on a waiting list for a Medicaid bed, so I wouldn't put it off.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Your mom likely thinks of nursing homes as they were decades ago. Most have changed quite a bit, many have changed dramatically. They aren't the warehouses they once were (in most parts of the country).
As to what she needs - I'd say a nursing home. Assisted living is generally for a basically healthy elder who needs some help and increased safety. When a person can only be alone for a couple of hours and has COPD and other physical issues, plus dementia, she should qualify for a nursing home. Since she's already on Medicaid, a nursing home would be paid for, while assisted living may not.
You may have to put her name on a waiting list for a Medicaid bed, so I wouldn't put it off.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can a caregiver divorce a spouse so they can get Medicaid?
Not if the person needs Medicaid now. I should say, yes, you can get divorced, by they won't let you get by without paying for care.... Not if the person needs Medicaid now. I should say, yes, you can get divorced, by they won't let you get by without paying for care.
You may want to talk with an elder law attorney about this.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You may want to talk with an elder law attorney about this.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Has anybody had the experience of having their parent dump the trash into the toilet?
I can understand how frustrated you must be. I've had similar but not identical situations. I'm sure that several people on the... I can understand how frustrated you must be. I've had similar but not identical situations. I'm sure that several people on the forum can relate.
Unfortunately, a broken hip or any serious injury is often the trigger that sets off dementia symptoms. Your mom should be checked for any side effect problems from her medications and any infection she may have, but it's quite likely that the trauma of breaking a hip, and the aftermath, have taken a huge toll.
She, of course, blames others for dumping the trash because she truly doesn't remember doing such a thing. That behavior is something I've had to cope with often.
Her doctor needs to know about this change in behavior in case he or she wants to try one of the available medications for Alzheimer's.
Take care,
Carol see more
Unfortunately, a broken hip or any serious injury is often the trigger that sets off dementia symptoms. Your mom should be checked for any side effect problems from her medications and any infection she may have, but it's quite likely that the trauma of breaking a hip, and the aftermath, have taken a huge toll.
She, of course, blames others for dumping the trash because she truly doesn't remember doing such a thing. That behavior is something I've had to cope with often.
Her doctor needs to know about this change in behavior in case he or she wants to try one of the available medications for Alzheimer's.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
The POA papers my sister has don't look legit. Does there have to be a date to be legal?
Whether the POA is drawn up by an attorney or is just a purchased or downloaded form, it needs to be signed by your mom and then the... Whether the POA is drawn up by an attorney or is just a purchased or downloaded form, it needs to be signed by your mom and then the attorney or a notary. The person who signed the form to make it legal also dates his or her signature. A notary will generally use a seal, as well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom 72, Alzheimer's frontal lobe, had to trick her into rehab now what?
Considering everything, I'd suggest that you avoid telling her for as long as possible. Letting her think that this arrangement is... Considering everything, I'd suggest that you avoid telling her for as long as possible. Letting her think that this arrangement is temporary isn't really going to hurt anything.
Eventually, you may have to tell her that this is her new home, but unless you feel forced to, just try to get her to enjoy her new surroundings as much as possible for now. If/when the time comes that you have to tell her she's not going home, you'll just have to weather the storm. Let her know that this is her new home and she is safe and cared for here. I'm sure you don't like to avoid the truth, but you need to remember that she's not cognitively "okay." You are after kindness and compassion and the blunt truth is often hurtful.
If she only had memory issues, you could likely get away with telling her once that this is her home, and then just avoiding it after that. But with her agitation, delusions, etc. this is more difficult. Talk with the social worker and nurses at the home and see what they suggest. This is their specialty and they've gotten to know your mom. If you do tell you mom this is permanent, let them know ahead that she (or you) may need extra help for a time.
I'm so sorry you have this challenge. It's hard. We here on this forum know that. We're with you.
Carol see more
Eventually, you may have to tell her that this is her new home, but unless you feel forced to, just try to get her to enjoy her new surroundings as much as possible for now. If/when the time comes that you have to tell her she's not going home, you'll just have to weather the storm. Let her know that this is her new home and she is safe and cared for here. I'm sure you don't like to avoid the truth, but you need to remember that she's not cognitively "okay." You are after kindness and compassion and the blunt truth is often hurtful.
If she only had memory issues, you could likely get away with telling her once that this is her home, and then just avoiding it after that. But with her agitation, delusions, etc. this is more difficult. Talk with the social worker and nurses at the home and see what they suggest. This is their specialty and they've gotten to know your mom. If you do tell you mom this is permanent, let them know ahead that she (or you) may need extra help for a time.
I'm so sorry you have this challenge. It's hard. We here on this forum know that. We're with you.
Carol see more
Question
My 85 year old father's depression is worsening as he misses my mother (nursing home). Any suggestions?
I'm surprised that the doctor didn't suggest that your father may be clinically depressed. His visits to your mom have to be... I'm surprised that the doctor didn't suggest that your father may be clinically depressed. His visits to your mom have to be difficult since all he sees is her decline. It's hard enough for adult children to see a parent decline from AD, but for a spouse, it's really dreadful. His forgetfulness may be a type of denial - just his way of handling it.
I'm not suggesting that anti-depressants will help, though they may. However, talk therapy could be truly helpful. While he may not be willing to see a counselor, he could be willing to talk with a spiritual leader. Does he belong to a church or synagogue? Even talking with a good friend may help some. Additionally, it may not be a bad idea for him to see a different doctor. There may be something that could help him medically.
Age, itself, doesn't necessarily mean forgetfulness, and the fact that he's fine except he "forgets" the visits to his wife suggests to me that he must to this to protect himself. Your challenge is to help him find some meaning in his life and better cope with his wife's illness. Don't be hard on yourself, though. There may not be a lot you can do. He simply is having to deal with something too hard for him to handle.
Keep trying to give him some pleasurable experiences, see if he can talk with someone wise enough to help him cope with his pain, and then love him as he is. You could experiment with fewer visits, though be careful not to let him cut himself off, because if your mom dies he may then be angry with himself. Just remember that you can’t fix this for him. He may remain depressed about your mother’s illness, and frankly, why wouldn’t he? What I’m saying is don’t blame yourself if you can’t “make” him happy.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'm not suggesting that anti-depressants will help, though they may. However, talk therapy could be truly helpful. While he may not be willing to see a counselor, he could be willing to talk with a spiritual leader. Does he belong to a church or synagogue? Even talking with a good friend may help some. Additionally, it may not be a bad idea for him to see a different doctor. There may be something that could help him medically.
Age, itself, doesn't necessarily mean forgetfulness, and the fact that he's fine except he "forgets" the visits to his wife suggests to me that he must to this to protect himself. Your challenge is to help him find some meaning in his life and better cope with his wife's illness. Don't be hard on yourself, though. There may not be a lot you can do. He simply is having to deal with something too hard for him to handle.
Keep trying to give him some pleasurable experiences, see if he can talk with someone wise enough to help him cope with his pain, and then love him as he is. You could experiment with fewer visits, though be careful not to let him cut himself off, because if your mom dies he may then be angry with himself. Just remember that you can’t fix this for him. He may remain depressed about your mother’s illness, and frankly, why wouldn’t he? What I’m saying is don’t blame yourself if you can’t “make” him happy.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My 84 year old mom awakes thinking something is attacking her face and has caused damage many times. Any advic...
She needs to see a doctor. She could be having intense dreams from a medication, or night itching or any number of things. It's... She needs to see a doctor. She could be having intense dreams from a medication, or night itching or any number of things. It's understandable that she is afraid to go to sleep. I think medical help is needed as soon as possible.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is anyone else caring for their spouse's parent?
Hi LoloMojo, Your husband should be able to listen to you vent some of your frustration without getting angry. More importantly, why... Hi LoloMojo,
Your husband should be able to listen to you vent some of your frustration without getting angry. More importantly, why isn't he helping you? His mother's doctor, a spiritual leader, a social worker - someone - should talk to him about this. This is HIS mother.
Yes, the kids should probably do more, but much depends on their ages. Also, most kids have trouble seeing their grandparent decline. It's hard enough for adults to handle. I'm not saying they shouldn't do anything, but there is a limit to how much they can contribute.
You're right, however, in that you may want to say some things to blow off steam that you wouldn't want to say in front of him. That's where a support group would help. If you can't find one in your community, maybe you could speak to a local social service agency and see if one can be started.
Please do keep commenting online, as well. You'll get a lot of support on this site.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your husband should be able to listen to you vent some of your frustration without getting angry. More importantly, why isn't he helping you? His mother's doctor, a spiritual leader, a social worker - someone - should talk to him about this. This is HIS mother.
Yes, the kids should probably do more, but much depends on their ages. Also, most kids have trouble seeing their grandparent decline. It's hard enough for adults to handle. I'm not saying they shouldn't do anything, but there is a limit to how much they can contribute.
You're right, however, in that you may want to say some things to blow off steam that you wouldn't want to say in front of him. That's where a support group would help. If you can't find one in your community, maybe you could speak to a local social service agency and see if one can be started.
Please do keep commenting online, as well. You'll get a lot of support on this site.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is there a cure for asthma?
None that I'm aware of. Asthma can occasionally go away on its own, but generally management is the key. Your wife should see an asthma... None that I'm aware of. Asthma can occasionally go away on its own, but generally management is the key. Your wife should see an asthma specialist if her asthma isn't well controlled. Sometimes more than one type of inhaler is needed. Different climates and even different homes can make a difference because of air quality, but one can't always move. Manage the asthma, and she will likely have a pretty good quality life.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can I be a mother and a caregiver?
I was never a caregiver while pregnant, but I was a caregiver for multiple elders while caring for my own two children. I can tell you that... I was never a caregiver while pregnant, but I was a caregiver for multiple elders while caring for my own two children. I can tell you that it's hard. My younger son had many health issues, so I was always torn between an elder and one or both children needing me. I'm mentioning that because while I can't totally relate to your specific situation, I do have an inkling about your dilemma.
I can't imagine that it will be good for you to be physically transferring your mom and doing the heavy physical caregiving while you are pregnant. I believe you also need to consider how you'd feel if you miscarried or had an early delivery. This can happen without any known reason, but if it happened to you, you'd always wonder if you brought it on.
You mom is cognitively in excellent shape and is actually quite young as you say. It seems to me she'd understand your dilemma and be will to move to assisted living or more likely due to her needs, a nursing home. If she is nearby, you could visit often. She's have more social stimulation in a group setting and expert care. You'd be able to help her but concentrate on your step-son and new baby.
Likely, she'd complain a bit for awhile, but for the sake of your whole family, it seems that you should consider a move. Your mom isn't going to get better - her osteoporosis is going to get worse. She's likely going to become too difficult for you to care for alone, anyway. Please consider everyone in your family, not just your mom. Consider your marriage, as well.
Considering the "what ifs" is painful but sometimes necessary. You may want to ask the opinion of your spiritual counselor or another good friend.
Good luck to you all,
Carol see more
I can't imagine that it will be good for you to be physically transferring your mom and doing the heavy physical caregiving while you are pregnant. I believe you also need to consider how you'd feel if you miscarried or had an early delivery. This can happen without any known reason, but if it happened to you, you'd always wonder if you brought it on.
You mom is cognitively in excellent shape and is actually quite young as you say. It seems to me she'd understand your dilemma and be will to move to assisted living or more likely due to her needs, a nursing home. If she is nearby, you could visit often. She's have more social stimulation in a group setting and expert care. You'd be able to help her but concentrate on your step-son and new baby.
Likely, she'd complain a bit for awhile, but for the sake of your whole family, it seems that you should consider a move. Your mom isn't going to get better - her osteoporosis is going to get worse. She's likely going to become too difficult for you to care for alone, anyway. Please consider everyone in your family, not just your mom. Consider your marriage, as well.
Considering the "what ifs" is painful but sometimes necessary. You may want to ask the opinion of your spiritual counselor or another good friend.
Good luck to you all,
Carol see more
If I have a durable power of attorney over the financial assets of my mother, what is the best way to handle i...
Good luck,
Carol see more