Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Is my dad entitled to any VA benefits?
I would certainly think he is, but you'll have to check with the VA. There will be a lot of paperwork involved. He may be able to get... I would certainly think he is, but you'll have to check with the VA. There will be a lot of paperwork involved. He may be able to get some care from a veterans hospital, he may be able to get some help in the home (only is some communities), he may get other benefits. The only way you'll know is to jump through the hoops.
I don't think his Medical discharge should keep him from receiving benefits if that's what you are worried about. I'm definitely not an expert on this, but I would suggest that you apply.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I don't think his Medical discharge should keep him from receiving benefits if that's what you are worried about. I'm definitely not an expert on this, but I would suggest that you apply.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is help to assist him with the stairs in their condo available so he will not be house bound?
My father-in-law used the kind of chair that attaches to the hand rail and people can ride down the steps. It's not cheap, but was very... My father-in-law used the kind of chair that attaches to the hand rail and people can ride down the steps. It's not cheap, but was very useful for him. If his only problem is steps, I hope you can come up with some solution.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone had Hospice Crisis Care at their home, to help when loved one is dying?
Both of my parents were in a nursing home when they died, but they had hospice care. Even though accepting that they were dying was... Both of my parents were in a nursing home when they died, but they had hospice care. Even though accepting that they were dying was difficult for them, they were in so much less pain that they knew it was worth it.
Hospice personnel are trained to deal with people in denial and they generally do it well. I'd encourage you to go with it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Hospice personnel are trained to deal with people in denial and they generally do it well. I'd encourage you to go with it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I deal with people who seem to be in denial that mom has Alzheimer's?
I'd just try to let it go without arguing. First of all, people are often at a loss to know what to say, so they try to say something... I'd just try to let it go without arguing. First of all, people are often at a loss to know what to say, so they try to say something to brush off the problem. "I'm sorry" would be more appropriate, but not everyone can do that.
The other problem with Alzheimer's and other types of dementia is that people subconsciously think that "if it happened to her it could happen to me." It's almost like they think it's contagious. So they say something quick and easy and pretend it will go away.
Your good friends should know better. If a good friend is giving you this kind of answer, have a talk with him or her and say, "No, it won't go away. She has a disease that will only get worse, and I'll need people to talk with."
I'd suggest that you continue to take part in this forum. People here know how you feel because they have first hand experience. Also, if you go to www.alz.org, the National Alzheimer's Association can help you a great deal. If your community has an Alzheimer's organization, that's also a great place to seek support. Group meetings with people who really understand can help more than you'd imagine.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
The other problem with Alzheimer's and other types of dementia is that people subconsciously think that "if it happened to her it could happen to me." It's almost like they think it's contagious. So they say something quick and easy and pretend it will go away.
Your good friends should know better. If a good friend is giving you this kind of answer, have a talk with him or her and say, "No, it won't go away. She has a disease that will only get worse, and I'll need people to talk with."
I'd suggest that you continue to take part in this forum. People here know how you feel because they have first hand experience. Also, if you go to www.alz.org, the National Alzheimer's Association can help you a great deal. If your community has an Alzheimer's organization, that's also a great place to seek support. Group meetings with people who really understand can help more than you'd imagine.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Where do you find a notary public and witnesses for the POA?
Most banks have a notary. Just call the bank where you do business. I'm sure they can help you.
Carol
Carol
Question
Can we get Medicaid while married and both on disability?
You probably should appeal the Medicaid decision. So much depends on where you live. With both of you on disability, I'd think... You probably should appeal the Medicaid decision. So much depends on where you live. With both of you on disability, I'd think you'd qualify for Medicaid, but you may have assets that work against you. You may need to seek legal counsel in order to move forward. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Do you keep a gratitude journal? How has it helped you cope?
I have "Gratitude" on my computer as a screen saver. It reminds me every time I walk into my office that no matter what's... I have "Gratitude" on my computer as a screen saver. It reminds me every time I walk into my office that no matter what's happening, I have much to be grateful for.
Most people can benefit from keeping a gratitude journal of some type or just a list of what is "wrong" in your life and what you are grateful for. I commend you for what you are doing to try to cope.
Carol see more
Most people can benefit from keeping a gratitude journal of some type or just a list of what is "wrong" in your life and what you are grateful for. I commend you for what you are doing to try to cope.
Carol see more
Question
92 year old father has prostate cancer that has spread to bone. Anyone else go through this?
I would contact your local hospice. If he's pain free, that's fantastic, but you want everything in place in case the pain begins.... I would contact your local hospice. If he's pain free, that's fantastic, but you want everything in place in case the pain begins. He's 92 and if the cancer is in his bones, he would be considered terminal. They can be an incredible help not only with care, but with advice. I'm assuming you've checked with his doctor about the anti-hormone therapy and are just double checking here? If not, do ask the doctor. The main thing is keep him pain free and his quality of life.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do we do if Medicaid won't pay for my mom in a nursing home and none of us can afford it?
I'm proud of you all for adding your wisdom. What an honor to be part of this forum! I did want add to the idea of looking for an... I'm proud of you all for adding your wisdom. What an honor to be part of this forum!
I did want add to the idea of looking for an ombudsman. By going online to www.ltcombudsman.org and typing in the nursing home Zip code, you'll get the contact number or email. This person is your representative in the system. They are well trained to give advice even if they can't personally help.
Take care, all of you,
Carol see more
I did want add to the idea of looking for an ombudsman. By going online to www.ltcombudsman.org and typing in the nursing home Zip code, you'll get the contact number or email. This person is your representative in the system. They are well trained to give advice even if they can't personally help.
Take care, all of you,
Carol see more
Question
After caring for parents for 6 years alone, I have burnout. My sister with schizophrenia wants to move into f...
I'm not sure you can legally prevent this, but Susan told you her (similar) story and she may be right. You have to stand up for... I'm not sure you can legally prevent this, but Susan told you her (similar) story and she may be right. You have to stand up for yourself somewhere along the line. You can't take care of everybody. Only you can decide what you are willing to do.
You can tell your parents that you can't do more, so if your sister moves in, you will move out. Sadly, that may be your only option. Susan is likely right that you'll soon be called back. Then, you'll have to decide if you want to go.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
You can tell your parents that you can't do more, so if your sister moves in, you will move out. Sadly, that may be your only option. Susan is likely right that you'll soon be called back. Then, you'll have to decide if you want to go.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Feel guilty getting married and moving.
As your therapist has no doubt told you, you have no reason to feel guilty. You deserve your own life. You've given up a great deal... As your therapist has no doubt told you, you have no reason to feel guilty. You deserve your own life. You've given up a great deal already for your family. You tried to get your dad to therapy to help him walk, but you can't force him to do the work. He chose not to. If you wanted him to walk you down the aisle, could he roll down next to you? That's certainly been done before. He can still give you away.
Keep visiting when you can, help in any way that you can, but get on with your life. Please stay in therapy until you are certain you have gotten rid of the unearned guilt.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Keep visiting when you can, help in any way that you can, but get on with your life. Please stay in therapy until you are certain you have gotten rid of the unearned guilt.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
What do we do if Medicaid won't pay for my mom in a nursing home and none of us can afford it?
Generally, the money to pay for her care while she awaits Medicaid assistance would come from any assets that she has. Is she living in a... Generally, the money to pay for her care while she awaits Medicaid assistance would come from any assets that she has. Is she living in a home she owns? That could be considered an asset.
If she has no money at all other than Social Security, the chances of her getting Medicaid help are good, but the waiting period is challenging. Each state is different, so you need to ask your contact at the Medicaid office where the application is being processed what you are to do in the meantime. It's likely that her home could be used as collateral. You may want to talk with an elder law attorney who knows your state Medicaid rules well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If she has no money at all other than Social Security, the chances of her getting Medicaid help are good, but the waiting period is challenging. Each state is different, so you need to ask your contact at the Medicaid office where the application is being processed what you are to do in the meantime. It's likely that her home could be used as collateral. You may want to talk with an elder law attorney who knows your state Medicaid rules well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can I have POA for my mom, and not my dad?
Yes, each person designates who he or she wants to have Power Of Attorney, and if your parents choose two different people, that is their... Yes, each person designates who he or she wants to have Power Of Attorney, and if your parents choose two different people, that is their right. Of course, it's generally easier if one person handles everything, particularly with joint assets, so it could become problematic. Much would depend on the will, I'd think. If you want legal counsel, that won't hurt, either. An elder law attorney could help you sort it out.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone noticed that their elderly parent with dementia has higher blood pressure at night?
It's common for late night and early morning blood pressure to be high. I'd talk with the doctor and ask about when to give the... It's common for late night and early morning blood pressure to be high. I'd talk with the doctor and ask about when to give the blood pressure medication. Often the timing of when they are giving the medication can make a huge difference in those spikes. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do we control our self and give mom the best?
You need to try to get some relief. You've spent many years trying to help her. Everyone has limits. I'd suggest you look into some... You need to try to get some relief. You've spent many years trying to help her. Everyone has limits. I'd suggest you look into some in-home care or even assisted living or a nursing home. With help, you can still be her caregiver and show her your love, but you won't be resentful because you are burned out. This is for all of you. Do try to get relief.
Take care of all of you,
Carol see more
Take care of all of you,
Carol see more
Question
My sister is the caregiver for my mom, she won't let me help
I'm sorry you have to go through this. You are both grieving over your mother, and you sister seems to be acting as though only she... I'm sorry you have to go through this.
You are both grieving over your mother, and you sister seems to be acting as though only she can do what's right. Try not to be too hard on her, but if you can find someone to explain to her that you have a right to help and that you need to do your part, maybe she'll realize that she's shutting you out. Perhaps a close friend or an aunt or uncle can help.
Your sister will should be happy that you want to help, as many times only one person does most of the caregiving. But personal issues can come out at these times and people can behave strangely. Also, any sibling rivalry between the two of you may come out now, even if the feelings were buried years ago. Do try to get a neutral party to help you to come to an agreement where you both can care for your mom.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
You are both grieving over your mother, and you sister seems to be acting as though only she can do what's right. Try not to be too hard on her, but if you can find someone to explain to her that you have a right to help and that you need to do your part, maybe she'll realize that she's shutting you out. Perhaps a close friend or an aunt or uncle can help.
Your sister will should be happy that you want to help, as many times only one person does most of the caregiving. But personal issues can come out at these times and people can behave strangely. Also, any sibling rivalry between the two of you may come out now, even if the feelings were buried years ago. Do try to get a neutral party to help you to come to an agreement where you both can care for your mom.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Dad follows me around the house constantly and it's stressing me out. How do I get him to stop so I can have a...
Many of us can relate! It's enough to drive you nutty. However, he doesn't mean to be doing that. Likely he's either feeling... Many of us can relate! It's enough to drive you nutty. However, he doesn't mean to be doing that. Likely he's either feeling afraid or bored. You don't say if he has dementia. If so, he may feel fearful because if he can't see you he thinks he's all alone. You should talk to a doctor about this and see if something can be done to help him, if that's the case.
If he's just bored, then try to find things for him to do.
In either case, he may be a candidate for some time in adult day care where he'd have activities and you'd have some alone time.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If he's just bored, then try to find things for him to do.
In either case, he may be a candidate for some time in adult day care where he'd have activities and you'd have some alone time.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Should I tell my mom when I notice things?
Your mom is getting to an age where she will likely have more "slips" - she sounds amazing, actually. I think I'd let the... Your mom is getting to an age where she will likely have more "slips" - she sounds amazing, actually. I think I'd let the little things go or it will seem like you are criticizing or watching her for slip ups. If you notice dramatic changes, then you can lovingly let her know you are worried and that she may need a checkup.
The fact that she "flew into a rage" needs watching, if that's not her normal personality. Just stay aware, but give her room to be 92 years old. If rages become the norm, then she may need to be seen for possible dementia.
Take care,
Carol see more
The fact that she "flew into a rage" needs watching, if that's not her normal personality. Just stay aware, but give her room to be 92 years old. If rages become the norm, then she may need to be seen for possible dementia.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Care facility needs my estranged stroke victim sister's financial information. I'm her only living relative....
Hi Sister, This is heartbreaking. I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard.... Hi Sister,
This is heartbreaking. I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I'm hoping that one of the experts on Medicare/Medicaid can help. Meanwhile, you have the sympathy of many of us who've been through red-tape mazes.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
This is heartbreaking. I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I'm hoping that one of the experts on Medicare/Medicaid can help. Meanwhile, you have the sympathy of many of us who've been through red-tape mazes.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
I'm having trouble with Medicare Part D again. Can someone please help me?
Sometimes your doctor can override the decision of the insurance company if you've tried other drugs (you have) and only one works. Unfortunately, some doctors are more willing to fight than others. Please ask your doctor to have his nurse try again. Good luck,
Carol see more