Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Can't medicare/medicaid help my friend's mom? What options or resources does her mom have?
Assuming her dad is on Medicaid, his wife would still be able to keep certain spousal assets. It's not much, but they rarely take away... Assuming her dad is on Medicaid, his wife would still be able to keep certain spousal assets. It's not much, but they rarely take away basic needs. Each state is so different, that we can't generalize, but what's happening here sounds extreme and cruel.
If you type the words "Oklahoma" and "aging" in your browser, you should be able to find the link to the Oklahoma Alliance on Aging. I'd contact them with your questions. You'll see some other links that you may want to follow, as well.
Good luck to your friend,
Carol see more
If you type the words "Oklahoma" and "aging" in your browser, you should be able to find the link to the Oklahoma Alliance on Aging. I'd contact them with your questions. You'll see some other links that you may want to follow, as well.
Good luck to your friend,
Carol see more
Question
How can I curb my mother's spending habit?
If the behavior has always been a part of her personality, she may be an addictive shopper. If this is relatively new behavior, it could be... If the behavior has always been a part of her personality, she may be an addictive shopper. If this is relatively new behavior, it could be a symptom of dementia.
In either case, it's going to be hard to control. My suggestion would be to firmly say you'll take her somewhere else (offer suggestions) where you can both have fun but you're not taking her shopping. If she gets angry, she does. You'll need to learn to not let that bother you, which I realize is easier said than done. But that is called detachment. Sometimes we just have distance ourselves emotionally from someone's negative behavior.
A talk with her doctor may be in order in case there's a medical cause as I mentioned earlier. Her decision making skills could be affected by one of the many types of dementias that people can develop.
Good luck,
Carol see more
In either case, it's going to be hard to control. My suggestion would be to firmly say you'll take her somewhere else (offer suggestions) where you can both have fun but you're not taking her shopping. If she gets angry, she does. You'll need to learn to not let that bother you, which I realize is easier said than done. But that is called detachment. Sometimes we just have distance ourselves emotionally from someone's negative behavior.
A talk with her doctor may be in order in case there's a medical cause as I mentioned earlier. Her decision making skills could be affected by one of the many types of dementias that people can develop.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I am caring for an 83 yr. old woman with dementia and she has started talking to objects. Is this normal?
This is not at all unusual for someone with dementia. Not every type of dementia is the same, but people with Alzheimer's may show this... This is not at all unusual for someone with dementia. Not every type of dementia is the same, but people with Alzheimer's may show this type of symptom. Her family should alert her doctor to this behavior if this is new, just in case she has an infection or something that should be treated. However, likely you'll be told to distract her and not argue with her about what she sees.
This behavior indicates that she could be at increased risk of slipping out the door to look for something or someone, so please be very alert so that she doesn't wander away.
As to her stage, she's likely in one of the advanced stages, though the behavior can move back and forth.
Take care,
Carol see more
This behavior indicates that she could be at increased risk of slipping out the door to look for something or someone, so please be very alert so that she doesn't wander away.
As to her stage, she's likely in one of the advanced stages, though the behavior can move back and forth.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do you ever feel like the Lord sends his angels to help you?
Yes, I think many of us have felt that. People can show up to help us - seemingly out of no where. I'm glad you recognize and... Yes, I think many of us have felt that. People can show up to help us - seemingly out of no where. I'm glad you recognize and appreciate your angels.
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Carol see more
Question
If you have an IRA, can Medicare access it if you're in a nursing home?
As far as I know, an IRA is considered an asset. Assets must be spent down before people qualify for Medicaid, since Medicaid is meant for... As far as I know, an IRA is considered an asset. Assets must be spent down before people qualify for Medicaid, since Medicaid is meant for people who are without other means to pay. Generally, there's a 5 year look back time now, so any money that is in the person's name during the 5 years before signing on for Medicaid can be taken back to pay for care.
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Carol see more
Question
Mom calls me and complains of pain, currently in Hospice and on many medications, is she really in pain?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Generally, hospice can control pain quite well, generally with morphine. Perhaps you should... I'm so sorry you are going through this. Generally, hospice can control pain quite well, generally with morphine. Perhaps you should talk with your mom's doctor and see if there's a better way to medicate her.
Sometimes when someone is in a lot of pain and near death they/we have to decide if it's better to give more medication and let them sleep a lot or give less and have them more wakeful but experience some pain.
Not every hospice is the same, but the hospice that took care of my parents was wonderful. They kept them both pain free starting with small doses of morphine, but increasing it, especially with mom, with bone cancer being so painful. They did, however, keep her out of pain and that was our goal. She had said, "I'm so tired of hurting" many, many times, so that was our wish, too.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll double check with the doctor. The only thing I can think of other than real physical pain as far as your mom is concerned is that she can't find the right word for how she feels. She may be lonely and calls that pain. In that case, you can only do what you can. Be with her as much as you can. But don't go on a guilt trip.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Sometimes when someone is in a lot of pain and near death they/we have to decide if it's better to give more medication and let them sleep a lot or give less and have them more wakeful but experience some pain.
Not every hospice is the same, but the hospice that took care of my parents was wonderful. They kept them both pain free starting with small doses of morphine, but increasing it, especially with mom, with bone cancer being so painful. They did, however, keep her out of pain and that was our goal. She had said, "I'm so tired of hurting" many, many times, so that was our wish, too.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll double check with the doctor. The only thing I can think of other than real physical pain as far as your mom is concerned is that she can't find the right word for how she feels. She may be lonely and calls that pain. In that case, you can only do what you can. Be with her as much as you can. But don't go on a guilt trip.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do you get into facilities that accept Medi-cal before your parent is sick enough to use the medi-cal bene...
In my community (we don't have a state program - just Medicaid), if there is an opening, a person can get into assisted living or a... In my community (we don't have a state program - just Medicaid), if there is an opening, a person can get into assisted living or a nursing home for private pay. Then, if their money runs out, if the family is smart like you and gets the paperwork done in time, the payment at the nursing home (and some assisted living centers) switches to Medicaid.
We still have a large problem in many areas in that many people need care but don't need hospitalization, so families have a hard time placing elders. I hope to see that change.
You could try www.ltcombudsman.org. The is the place where you find your long-term care representative. Type in the Zip code of the AL you are thinking about and you'll get a link to that contact. Then see if your representative has advice to help you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
We still have a large problem in many areas in that many people need care but don't need hospitalization, so families have a hard time placing elders. I hope to see that change.
You could try www.ltcombudsman.org. The is the place where you find your long-term care representative. Type in the Zip code of the AL you are thinking about and you'll get a link to that contact. Then see if your representative has advice to help you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My father-in-law (still mobile) is becoming increasingly more difficult to communicate with. Where is this hea...
As people age, routine is more important and it's generally harder to mentally keep up with changes. However, it sounds like your... As people age, routine is more important and it's generally harder to mentally keep up with changes. However, it sounds like your father-in-law could be presenting dementia symptoms. Even if he's already been diagnosed with one type of dementia, there are many types and people can have mixed dementia - say Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.
He needs to see a doctor to determine what is going on in his brain. There may be medications that can help slow down the decline. Trained staff will also have to learn to cope with these changes he's displaying.
I'm sorry to say that unless the doctor finds that he has a UTI or some other infection that can be cleared (infections can cause dementia-like symptoms), that this situation will deteriorate. That means that you and the others who help him will have to adjust.
A physician can guide you.
Take care,
Carol see more
He needs to see a doctor to determine what is going on in his brain. There may be medications that can help slow down the decline. Trained staff will also have to learn to cope with these changes he's displaying.
I'm sorry to say that unless the doctor finds that he has a UTI or some other infection that can be cleared (infections can cause dementia-like symptoms), that this situation will deteriorate. That means that you and the others who help him will have to adjust.
A physician can guide you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Does keeping a cancer patient on pain meds and such with out life support pro-long life?
When a person goes on hospice care, the aim is to help them stay pain free during the natural death process. That does usually mean pain... When a person goes on hospice care, the aim is to help them stay pain free during the natural death process. That does usually mean pain medication. Most pain medications do not prolong life. They also sometimes use oxygen to make it easier for people to breathe, but that is not the same thing as a machine that forces breathing. The whole process is for comfort. If you are wondering about specifics, call your local hospice. They are very helpful.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get the doctor to take my mom's situation seriously?
I'm surprised that's as far as they go in testing after you've explained her situation. There are many types of dementia, and... I'm surprised that's as far as they go in testing after you've explained her situation.
There are many types of dementia, and some of them affect memory first, while others may affect judgment or another type of functioning.
I'd try to get her in to a neurologist for a battery of tests. As one of the doctors for a referral. If he or she refuses, ask you own doctor how to go through your system so that she can be seen by a specialist.
Good luck,
Carol see more
There are many types of dementia, and some of them affect memory first, while others may affect judgment or another type of functioning.
I'd try to get her in to a neurologist for a battery of tests. As one of the doctors for a referral. If he or she refuses, ask you own doctor how to go through your system so that she can be seen by a specialist.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you help your loved one when they have to move in with roommate at the nursing home once their money ru...
This is going to be very hard, as you already know. My mother had the same thing happen. All of her money was gone, so she had to move from... This is going to be very hard, as you already know. My mother had the same thing happen. All of her money was gone, so she had to move from her private room to a shared room. I can't say that she every was happy about it, but she grew to accept the situation. I expect you'll see the same thing.
You'll have to explain what happened and why this move is necessary. Tell your loved one that you did everything possible to keep that private room for as long as you could, but the money ran out. If you need to bring the checkbook or receipts along, do so, but only if you have to. In my experience, our elders hate thinking that everything they worked for has gone for nursing home care. But it's a reality and occasionally they have to face that. Good luck. I sympathize.
Carol see more
You'll have to explain what happened and why this move is necessary. Tell your loved one that you did everything possible to keep that private room for as long as you could, but the money ran out. If you need to bring the checkbook or receipts along, do so, but only if you have to. In my experience, our elders hate thinking that everything they worked for has gone for nursing home care. But it's a reality and occasionally they have to face that. Good luck. I sympathize.
Carol see more
Question
I have DPOA, will Mom's Doctor meet with me for a consult?
Since the DPOA that you have is for health as well as finances, it should have the proper language written into it to support you through... Since the DPOA that you have is for health as well as finances, it should have the proper language written into it to support you through the HIPAA requirements. That's the purpose of the document. As Jeanne said, a geriatrician especially should not give you problems.
I hope the appointment goes well.
Carol see more
I hope the appointment goes well.
Carol see more
Question
Are there any caregivers rights if nothing in writing?
I'm sorry, but it's not likely. Even if he didn't pay you at all and you still took care of him, it shows his kids are not very... I'm sorry, but it's not likely. Even if he didn't pay you at all and you still took care of him, it shows his kids are not very nice people, but there's not likely anything you can do. If he paid you, then they likely consider that your "reward." Unfortunately, you are not alone.
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Carol see more
Question
My husband doesn't want my help, until something goes wrong,...then he blames me. What can I do?
Hi Stressed Mom, This is a tough situation all around. I've read the suggestions already given and am proud of our community for the... Hi Stressed Mom,
This is a tough situation all around. I've read the suggestions already given and am proud of our community for the insight and help they've offered.
I do think 'starting over' is a good idea. Your husband likely thinks he should be a "good son" and do it all. Then he's overwhelmed and can't do any of it. He sees your offer of help as criticism and nagging.
For this reason, the suggestion that you just back off for awhile may work. Sometimes if we just let things happen on their own, people will understand that they do need help. You could say, "I know it seems like I'm nagging you and I don't mean it that way. I just get worried. I'm not going to push you anymore, but I'm willing to help if you need me." Then let it rest.
It’s true that the world won’t end if something negative happens. It may take something nasty for your husband to see he does need help.
If he eventually shows some signs of relenting, then you could offer to help with one specific thing, such as filling out a form. You could say, “Would you like me to fill this out and then you can sign it? If we work as a team, we’ll get through it more quickly.”
Go easy or he’s likely to feel attacked again. This could be a slow, painful process, but what you’re going through is no fun either. Counseling would be wonderful if you can get it, even if you are the only one to go. Otherwise, talking with the social worker at the nursing home may help.
Please keep us informed on how you are doing. If you decide to just let the chips fall where they may, you’ll need to communicate to keep up your resolve. Good people are here to lend support.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
This is a tough situation all around. I've read the suggestions already given and am proud of our community for the insight and help they've offered.
I do think 'starting over' is a good idea. Your husband likely thinks he should be a "good son" and do it all. Then he's overwhelmed and can't do any of it. He sees your offer of help as criticism and nagging.
For this reason, the suggestion that you just back off for awhile may work. Sometimes if we just let things happen on their own, people will understand that they do need help. You could say, "I know it seems like I'm nagging you and I don't mean it that way. I just get worried. I'm not going to push you anymore, but I'm willing to help if you need me." Then let it rest.
It’s true that the world won’t end if something negative happens. It may take something nasty for your husband to see he does need help.
If he eventually shows some signs of relenting, then you could offer to help with one specific thing, such as filling out a form. You could say, “Would you like me to fill this out and then you can sign it? If we work as a team, we’ll get through it more quickly.”
Go easy or he’s likely to feel attacked again. This could be a slow, painful process, but what you’re going through is no fun either. Counseling would be wonderful if you can get it, even if you are the only one to go. Otherwise, talking with the social worker at the nursing home may help.
Please keep us informed on how you are doing. If you decide to just let the chips fall where they may, you’ll need to communicate to keep up your resolve. Good people are here to lend support.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal for a elderly to sleep all day and night without eating?
I'm sorry for your distress. It's really hard to see someone not be able to eat. The suddenness of this is an issue, so you should... I'm sorry for your distress. It's really hard to see someone not be able to eat.
The suddenness of this is an issue, so you should check with the doctor. But when the human body shuts down because of impending death, there is no need for food. The bone cancer may be the last stage. I'm hoping you are having a doctor evaluate this.
Take care,
Carol see more
The suddenness of this is an issue, so you should check with the doctor. But when the human body shuts down because of impending death, there is no need for food. The bone cancer may be the last stage. I'm hoping you are having a doctor evaluate this.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What to do with mom who sleeps all day and all night. She has dementia and a feeding tube and she cannot do an...
If she is truly in the final stages, as the feeding tube would imply, I'd talk with the doctor about hospice. Feeding tubes have their... If she is truly in the final stages, as the feeding tube would imply, I'd talk with the doctor about hospice. Feeding tubes have their place, but rarely for someone in late stage dementia. If she's on the feeding tube for reasons other than late stage dementia, it's possible she should be re-evaluated. Sleeping in the end stage before death is normal but a medical professional should determine if that is the case with your mom.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Any suggestions of how to transfer my brother to a nursing home closer to his family?
You might try going to the ombudsman for that nursing home. This is your (or your brother's) representative. If you go to... You might try going to the ombudsman for that nursing home. This is your (or your brother's) representative. If you go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home where your brother is, you should find your contact. You can tell this person about the conditions where your brother is, and also ask how you could go about transferring him. These people are trained to help people with long-term care problems.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
When is the time to suggest assisted living options to the parents?
Hi Scooby, Most of us can relate. Safety is one of the deciding factors for many people. Since your mom was your dad's caregiver, and... Hi Scooby,
Most of us can relate. Safety is one of the deciding factors for many people. Since your mom was your dad's caregiver, and now she has had a stroke, it does seem to me that they need help from an in-home care agency or else assisted living. You can't keep taking unpaid time off from work, especially since this situation is likely to get worse, not better.
While they aren't likely to agree to the idea right away, if you make the suggestion about change in a light, non-bossy manner, you may even get them to tour a facility or two. It may be good to pick up some brochures from some local facilities that you can leave with them. If they know anyone living at a local facility, that could help enormously.
The socialization of assisted living and the fact that there's someone around to help in case of a fall or another emergency can both make a big difference in their quality of life. Meals with new friends generally becomes a draw, as well.
Of course, in-home care is good, but it's very expensive to get 24-hour care.
You have done an amazing job of getting them services in their home, even though you live at a distance. It's not unusual that the time comes where that isn't enough. I think you may be there with your parents.
Take care,
Carol see more
Most of us can relate. Safety is one of the deciding factors for many people. Since your mom was your dad's caregiver, and now she has had a stroke, it does seem to me that they need help from an in-home care agency or else assisted living. You can't keep taking unpaid time off from work, especially since this situation is likely to get worse, not better.
While they aren't likely to agree to the idea right away, if you make the suggestion about change in a light, non-bossy manner, you may even get them to tour a facility or two. It may be good to pick up some brochures from some local facilities that you can leave with them. If they know anyone living at a local facility, that could help enormously.
The socialization of assisted living and the fact that there's someone around to help in case of a fall or another emergency can both make a big difference in their quality of life. Meals with new friends generally becomes a draw, as well.
Of course, in-home care is good, but it's very expensive to get 24-hour care.
You have done an amazing job of getting them services in their home, even though you live at a distance. It's not unusual that the time comes where that isn't enough. I think you may be there with your parents.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Could mother's nastiness be caused by her trying to to stop herself from feeling guilty?
I think that you've got this pretty well figured out. She is trying to make you the "bad guy" so that she doesn't feel... I think that you've got this pretty well figured out. She is trying to make you the "bad guy" so that she doesn't feel guilty. She's fragile and striking out. Try not to let her push your buttons - she's got a history of that apparently. If you can detach from things so you don't get into arguments, life should be more tolerable. Sometimes just letting things roll off is the best "action" there is.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Why do VA Home arrival/admitting instructions advise not to tell patients where they're going & why; bring the...
I hear of nursing homes and other care centers that advise that families to let them take over completely at first, even restricting visits. This would not have worked with my elders - they would have felt abandoned and I simply wouldn't have done it. But I wasn't dealing with the VA.
I'm not sure what to tell you, since I know I couldn't do what they are asking you to do. Maybe you could talk with their social worker and explain your views.
Take care - and let us know how things go.
Carol see more