Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I deal with a husband who is in denial with his mild cognitive diagnosis?
You are not alone in feeling burned out. Considering what you've been through I'd say it would be a normal reaction. Ideally, he... You are not alone in feeling burned out. Considering what you've been through I'd say it would be a normal reaction.
Ideally, he could go to adult day care or something to give you a break, or even into assisted living. This is taking too much of a toll on you. He says he wants to die before you do, but if continue on with this emotional stress, your health may collapse.
You can check with your local Area Agency on Aging or find your National Family Caregiver Support Program on your state's website. Type in your state and the search word "aging" and you'll find many links. These groups will help you find local resources.
You really do need to take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Ideally, he could go to adult day care or something to give you a break, or even into assisted living. This is taking too much of a toll on you. He says he wants to die before you do, but if continue on with this emotional stress, your health may collapse.
You can check with your local Area Agency on Aging or find your National Family Caregiver Support Program on your state's website. Type in your state and the search word "aging" and you'll find many links. These groups will help you find local resources.
You really do need to take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Question
Is Social Security supposed to increase my father's check when in assisted living?
Sorry, but Social Security will not increase to meet someone's needs. If he is on disability, then there may be some subsidy, but... Sorry, but Social Security will not increase to meet someone's needs. If he is on disability, then there may be some subsidy, but regular Social Security is based on past earnings.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I'm looking for words of wisdom and support to share with my 91-year old father as he nears the end of his lif...
How wonderful that your father has done so well! It sounds like losing your mother has taken a toll, which is sad but to be expected. You... How wonderful that your father has done so well! It sounds like losing your mother has taken a toll, which is sad but to be expected.
You and he seem to understand that end of his journey is near. One book that I thought was wonderful is "The Four Things That Matter Most" by Ira Byrock. I've reviewed the book and recommended it to many people. It should be available on Amazon.
Take care,
Carol see more
You and he seem to understand that end of his journey is near. One book that I thought was wonderful is "The Four Things That Matter Most" by Ira Byrock. I've reviewed the book and recommended it to many people. It should be available on Amazon.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I establish power of attorney?
I'm sorry you are in such a fix. It's awful to want to help and not be able to, but at least you already have the POAs. An elder... I'm sorry you are in such a fix. It's awful to want to help and not be able to, but at least you already have the POAs.
An elder law attorney should be able to instruct you as to what you can legally do as far as forcing her into any type of care. I'm not saying that there is a way. She is an adult and can legally make her own decisions, including take away your POA. Anyway, I hope an attorney should be able to help.
Take care,
Carol see more
An elder law attorney should be able to instruct you as to what you can legally do as far as forcing her into any type of care. I'm not saying that there is a way. She is an adult and can legally make her own decisions, including take away your POA. Anyway, I hope an attorney should be able to help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you handle quitting your job at age 59 to care for a parent?
My heart aches for you. You said it so well - common sense tells us one thing and our hearts another. I stayed out of the workforce for... My heart aches for you. You said it so well - common sense tells us one thing and our hearts another. I stayed out of the workforce for several years as I cared for multiple elders, so I know some of what you are talking about first hand. I've also researched and written about it.
It's not just the salary that you are missing when you give up a job - it's the Social Security and 401K or other retirement benefits that you'll notice when it comes time for you to "retire" after years of elder care.
If there is money to pay you, that's a big help - more than many people have. However, you have to look at the long term. Selling one of the houses would help. An elder law attorney may be able to help. You need someone who knows all about Medicaid laws, in case your mother lives for many years and needs paid care after you've spent years caring for her.
I'd love to say do one thing or another. I can't, of course. You are in a situation that many of us understand. There's no right or wrong answer, just difficult questions. You and your brother need to communicate with each other and play out all of the scenarios. Also, likely you should talk with some professionals before you decide which direction to go.
Take care,
Carol see more
It's not just the salary that you are missing when you give up a job - it's the Social Security and 401K or other retirement benefits that you'll notice when it comes time for you to "retire" after years of elder care.
If there is money to pay you, that's a big help - more than many people have. However, you have to look at the long term. Selling one of the houses would help. An elder law attorney may be able to help. You need someone who knows all about Medicaid laws, in case your mother lives for many years and needs paid care after you've spent years caring for her.
I'd love to say do one thing or another. I can't, of course. You are in a situation that many of us understand. There's no right or wrong answer, just difficult questions. You and your brother need to communicate with each other and play out all of the scenarios. Also, likely you should talk with some professionals before you decide which direction to go.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Where can you report Assisted Living Billing Fraud and abuse of policy? We cannot afford an attorney.
I'd contact your long-term care ombudsman. Go online to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the zip code of the assisted living.... I'd contact your long-term care ombudsman. Go online to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the zip code of the assisted living. You'll find a contact. This person is your representative. They are very knowledgeable and should be able to give you some guidance.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Caregiver stress - Unhappy elder -- why???
Hi Joyce, I don't fit into the categories you listed, but I'll start out with what I used as a touchpoint during my two decades of... Hi Joyce,
I don't fit into the categories you listed, but I'll start out with what I used as a touchpoint during my two decades of elder care.
I knew what my parents had done to care for their parents. Therefore, when I was in doubt, I felt that their guidelines for taking care of the parents they loved can help me make judgements as well.
I asked for help and researched materials on any specific disease my elders had. Where there were disease specific sites, such as Alzheimer's, diabetes, etc. I suggest communicating with the experts on those sites and asking for feed back. They can give you a realistic view of what you can expect to accomplish.
Communicate often with your mother's health care providers. She may be depressed and an antidepressant could help. She may have pain that could be better controlled. She may need more peer socialization, which adult day care and other group efforts can provide.
I tried to keep my elders supplied with music they enjoyed and other activities, brought them food that they especially liked, spent time with them and included them in my life when possible.
Were they always happy? No. They had physical pain. They regularly heard news about life-long friends either developing diseases or dying, They struggled with the issues of losing control of their lives. Aging is tough and not everyone handles it well. I did everything I could while still remaining somewhat sane myself, and then I had to accept the fact that I couldn't make anyone happy.
I hope you hear from the experts you listed, Meanwhile, the very fact that you care this much signals to me that you are an excellent caregiver. Try to get some time for yourself, too.
Carol see more
I don't fit into the categories you listed, but I'll start out with what I used as a touchpoint during my two decades of elder care.
I knew what my parents had done to care for their parents. Therefore, when I was in doubt, I felt that their guidelines for taking care of the parents they loved can help me make judgements as well.
I asked for help and researched materials on any specific disease my elders had. Where there were disease specific sites, such as Alzheimer's, diabetes, etc. I suggest communicating with the experts on those sites and asking for feed back. They can give you a realistic view of what you can expect to accomplish.
Communicate often with your mother's health care providers. She may be depressed and an antidepressant could help. She may have pain that could be better controlled. She may need more peer socialization, which adult day care and other group efforts can provide.
I tried to keep my elders supplied with music they enjoyed and other activities, brought them food that they especially liked, spent time with them and included them in my life when possible.
Were they always happy? No. They had physical pain. They regularly heard news about life-long friends either developing diseases or dying, They struggled with the issues of losing control of their lives. Aging is tough and not everyone handles it well. I did everything I could while still remaining somewhat sane myself, and then I had to accept the fact that I couldn't make anyone happy.
I hope you hear from the experts you listed, Meanwhile, the very fact that you care this much signals to me that you are an excellent caregiver. Try to get some time for yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
What caregiving services can I find in my community?
One of the most helpful things you can do to find community services is to go onto your state website and type "aging" or... One of the most helpful things you can do to find community services is to go onto your state website and type "aging" or "disability" into the search box. You may want to try several search words. By doing this, you will find your state's available services, which will then lead to community services.
On this site, you'll find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP). This program will give you significant help in finding local resources.
Alternately, you can go online to the Administration on Aging at aoa.gov. They have an abundance of help and give offer many local links.
Also, the Agencies on Aging at www.n4a.org can help. You can type in your Zip code to see if there is an office near you.
Meals on Wheels is wonderful for low cost daily meal delivery. Nearly any community has this volunteer service.
In-home care agencies offer custodial care such as cooking and housekeeping, and some of them offer nursing services. Look in your phone book to see what is available in your community. You may want to ask for references.
Legal help for aging adults can be found through estate attorneys or elder law attorneys. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys has a good website for finding one in your area. Their website is http://www.naela.org.
Be careful about home modification. You can likely find someone who is very good just by checking your phone book, but please ask for references if you are looking into work for an elder. You want someone you can trust in their home.
Transportation also differs community by community. Many senior centers offer van rides and some communities have paratransit buses. If you check with your NFCSP, they can likely help you figure out what your community offers.
Good luck with your search. It would be nice to find everything with one click of a button, but unfortunately, that's not reality.
Carol see more
On this site, you'll find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP). This program will give you significant help in finding local resources.
Alternately, you can go online to the Administration on Aging at aoa.gov. They have an abundance of help and give offer many local links.
Also, the Agencies on Aging at www.n4a.org can help. You can type in your Zip code to see if there is an office near you.
Meals on Wheels is wonderful for low cost daily meal delivery. Nearly any community has this volunteer service.
In-home care agencies offer custodial care such as cooking and housekeeping, and some of them offer nursing services. Look in your phone book to see what is available in your community. You may want to ask for references.
Legal help for aging adults can be found through estate attorneys or elder law attorneys. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys has a good website for finding one in your area. Their website is http://www.naela.org.
Be careful about home modification. You can likely find someone who is very good just by checking your phone book, but please ask for references if you are looking into work for an elder. You want someone you can trust in their home.
Transportation also differs community by community. Many senior centers offer van rides and some communities have paratransit buses. If you check with your NFCSP, they can likely help you figure out what your community offers.
Good luck with your search. It would be nice to find everything with one click of a button, but unfortunately, that's not reality.
Carol see more
Question
How do you get Hospice transferred from Missouri to Arkansas?
I'm so sorry about your sister's ordeal. I'd call your local hospice organization and talk to them. Medicare and Medicaid pay... I'm so sorry about your sister's ordeal. I'd call your local hospice organization and talk to them. Medicare and Medicaid pay for hospice care, so I'm not sure you would have any problems getting her moved. I can't imagine why the public administrator who was appointed her guardian would object to her being close to family for her last months of life. This person should have your sister's best interest at heart. The move will take some paper work, but I hope not too much. You have enough grief now. Call your local hospice and ask where to start. They may have suggestions about making the legal transfer.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does caregiving for a significant other kill romance?
You sound like a wonderful person for staying with a relationship even though technically you aren't "required" to do so. ... You sound like a wonderful person for staying with a relationship even though technically you aren't "required" to do so.
Caregiving is emotionally and physically draining. Add to that, the dependency that you speak of, and it's understandable that you've lost some of the passion you once felt.
When a care receiver is that dependent, some people almost feel that a sexual relationship wrong because though the person with dementia gives consent, he or she is still living on a different cognitive level than before.
Incontinence can certainly be a turn-off, as well. Try not to blame yourself. If you can go to a support group, I think you can learn a lot. You won't feel so alone and you can learn not to feel guilty as others will have the same issues. Try contacting your local Alzheimer's organization for a meeting schedule in your area.
Another option for you is to log on to the Well Spouse Association site at www.wellspouse.org. This site could be a real boon for you. Again, you'll find out that you aren't alone in your feelings. Good luck. This is a tough spot to be in.
Carol see more
Caregiving is emotionally and physically draining. Add to that, the dependency that you speak of, and it's understandable that you've lost some of the passion you once felt.
When a care receiver is that dependent, some people almost feel that a sexual relationship wrong because though the person with dementia gives consent, he or she is still living on a different cognitive level than before.
Incontinence can certainly be a turn-off, as well. Try not to blame yourself. If you can go to a support group, I think you can learn a lot. You won't feel so alone and you can learn not to feel guilty as others will have the same issues. Try contacting your local Alzheimer's organization for a meeting schedule in your area.
Another option for you is to log on to the Well Spouse Association site at www.wellspouse.org. This site could be a real boon for you. Again, you'll find out that you aren't alone in your feelings. Good luck. This is a tough spot to be in.
Carol see more
Question
How do you "force" a liquid antibiotic down your 87 year old Mom's throat?!
Can you mix it in with some flavorful food? If you could mix it in ice cream or something she likes she may take it - though make sure, if... Can you mix it in with some flavorful food?
If you could mix it in ice cream or something she likes she may take it - though make sure, if you use ice cream, that it isn't an antibiotic that can't be used with dairy. Your pharmacist would be a big help with this question.
Take care,
Carol see more
If you could mix it in ice cream or something she likes she may take it - though make sure, if you use ice cream, that it isn't an antibiotic that can't be used with dairy. Your pharmacist would be a big help with this question.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom has trouble remembering her phone number. Is this normal aging or is this a sign of mental trouble?
We rarely call ourselves, so when we're asked for our phone number it can take a minute of thought. I wouldn't worry about this one... We rarely call ourselves, so when we're asked for our phone number it can take a minute of thought. I wouldn't worry about this one issue as long as she eventually remembers it. However, with Alzheimer's in the family, you (and she) should keep an eye out for other changes.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Why does my mom argue with me about almost everything?
It's very possible that the antidepressant is causing the mood change. There are many choices and sometimes doctors must try several... It's very possible that the antidepressant is causing the mood change. There are many choices and sometimes doctors must try several antidepressants before they find one that helps without too many negative side effects.
It's possible that she should be checked for dementia, as well, however if this behavior wasn't an issue before the antidepressant, it's quite likely that the drug is the cause. Either way, the doctor needs to know so he or she can help. Please call as soon as possible and let the the doctor know about this change.
Take care,
Carol see more
It's possible that she should be checked for dementia, as well, however if this behavior wasn't an issue before the antidepressant, it's quite likely that the drug is the cause. Either way, the doctor needs to know so he or she can help. Please call as soon as possible and let the the doctor know about this change.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you talk to older parents about finances?
You start out with compassion. It's very hard for them to have to give up control of their finances. They've had so many other... You start out with compassion. It's very hard for them to have to give up control of their finances. They've had so many other losses that many elders hang on long after they should. Still, if you approach them with understanding and compassion, and acknowledge that you know this is hard for them, but it's necessary for all of us to appoint someone to take care of financial decisions should we need help, they may be more apt to listen.
Also, a good friend closer to their own age can be helpful. Often people get tired of the adult children being "the boss." Hearing the urgency that they appoint a POA from someone in their own generation that they respect may make them more flexible. It's also possible that a clergy person could help. You may have to try several times, so be patient.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Also, a good friend closer to their own age can be helpful. Often people get tired of the adult children being "the boss." Hearing the urgency that they appoint a POA from someone in their own generation that they respect may make them more flexible. It's also possible that a clergy person could help. You may have to try several times, so be patient.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom broke hip and rehab will not keep her because she will not walk again. How do i get help?
I'm sorry to hear this. It truly is sad that money does dictate so much. You will probably have to see if your mom qualifies for... I'm sorry to hear this. It truly is sad that money does dictate so much. You will probably have to see if your mom qualifies for Medicaid. Then her nursing home bills will be paid. You'd have to apply through your local social services.
A broken hip is one of the worst injuries an elderly person can sustain. I hope she can at least be kept comfortable.
Take care,
Carol see more
A broken hip is one of the worst injuries an elderly person can sustain. I hope she can at least be kept comfortable.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My mother-in-law gifted us 20K. She was living with us, now she is in AL. Do we have to give the gift back if...
Since there are signed papers saying that the money was used for her care you may be okay, however you may need an attorney to sort through... Since there are signed papers saying that the money was used for her care you may be okay, however you may need an attorney to sort through this. You can contact your state's attorneys office and ask if there are any attorneys who work for free in cases like yours.
Generally, if an elder just gives the money away, it can be reclaimed by Medicaid during the five year look back period. The paperwork here is the difference. Your state laws may play into this, as well, so an attorney is likely the best way to go unless you show the papers to the Medicaid qualification people and they say it's okay. Good luck. This is a problem for many people.
Carol see more
Generally, if an elder just gives the money away, it can be reclaimed by Medicaid during the five year look back period. The paperwork here is the difference. Your state laws may play into this, as well, so an attorney is likely the best way to go unless you show the papers to the Medicaid qualification people and they say it's okay. Good luck. This is a problem for many people.
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone have a parent diagnosed with vascular dementia who hears a voice awaking them from their sleep?
It's possible that your dad has more than one type of dementia. My dad had a voice in his head after his surgery, but that voice was... It's possible that your dad has more than one type of dementia. My dad had a voice in his head after his surgery, but that voice was male. Voices are less likely a part of vascular dementia than other types. It would be educational to speak with the doctor about this whether or not anything can be done to help him, especially if this voice upsets him.
It was terribly upsetting when Dad heard "Herman" (that's the name we called the voice) because the voice held such authority. I hope they can help your dad.
Take care,
Carol see more
It was terribly upsetting when Dad heard "Herman" (that's the name we called the voice) because the voice held such authority. I hope they can help your dad.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can we get Mom to keep oxygen on?
My mother-in-law wouldn't keep the canulla on either, so they switched to a very low dose of morphine. That helped her oxygen intake... My mother-in-law wouldn't keep the canulla on either, so they switched to a very low dose of morphine. That helped her oxygen intake but was too low to make her sleepy or have any other side effects. She was in a nursing home, so that likely made this step easier.
I don't think it's unusual that someone like your mom fights the canulla. Chat with her doctor to see if he or she has any other ideas.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I don't think it's unusual that someone like your mom fights the canulla. Chat with her doctor to see if he or she has any other ideas.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Pro-caregiver Ethics: Patient Privacy vs Patient Health; Which is more important?
JeanneGibbs rocks with this answer! I, too, feel for the most part that we can only do so much if a person with a relatively sound mind... JeanneGibbs rocks with this answer! I, too, feel for the most part that we can only do so much if a person with a relatively sound mind makes unhealthy choices. Your mother is pretty extreme, but some of this may be rebellion about losing the ability to make her own choices.
Jeanne suggested having a certified diabetes educator talk with your mom. This is a terrific suggestion. Many times people who are not family or even as close as the nurse you talk about will have more effect. However, in the end, you mother will do what she wants. It's very, very hard to watch someone we love self-destruct, but we can only do so much. Please don't feel guilty.
Take care,
Carol see more
Jeanne suggested having a certified diabetes educator talk with your mom. This is a terrific suggestion. Many times people who are not family or even as close as the nurse you talk about will have more effect. However, in the end, you mother will do what she wants. It's very, very hard to watch someone we love self-destruct, but we can only do so much. Please don't feel guilty.
Take care,
Carol see more
Do all elderly persons feel they are in the way?
Just keep letting her know that this is her home (if she's living with you). Her things are there just like everyone's, she needs them near by. Encouragement and love will go a long way. You can say that seeing her things makes you feel warm and happy because she's there with you.
Remember, too, that she may be enduring chronic pain or depression, so a visit to the doctor may be good. Getting old is tough. You sound like a caring daughter who will help the best you can.
Take care,
Carol see more