Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
How do I convince dad its time to have someone assist with his AM care?
The reason for Medicaid getting into your business is that Medicaid is for people who don't have the money to pay for their care. That... The reason for Medicaid getting into your business is that Medicaid is for people who don't have the money to pay for their care. That means people must qualify to receive Medicaid on the basis of poverty. If your parents have the money to pay for care - whether or not they use it - they won't qualify until they've spent down their assets.
You definitely need help, however, in caring for them. If you go to your state website and type "caregiving" or "aging" in the search box, you should find the National Family Caregivers Support Program in your state. Once you find that link, ask for help. They will have some answers for you about local resources.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You definitely need help, however, in caring for them. If you go to your state website and type "caregiving" or "aging" in the search box, you should find the National Family Caregivers Support Program in your state. Once you find that link, ask for help. They will have some answers for you about local resources.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can someone please explain Dementia symptoms?
First, it's important to understand that there are many types of dementia. The type you hear about most is Alzheimer's disease, but... First, it's important to understand that there are many types of dementia. The type you hear about most is Alzheimer's disease, but frontotemporal dementia and vascular dementia are to more types.
Most types of dementia start with memory problems and/or personality changes. Getting lost while driving a familiar route is often a tip off, as is the inability to make a decision or making very bad decisions. When people change dramatically in any way, you may be looking at dementia.
If you want to know the signs of dementia, go to www.alz.org. The National Alzheimer's Association is very helpful. Even if you are wondering about dementia in general, they will be able to give you a lot of tips.
Take care,
Carol see more
Most types of dementia start with memory problems and/or personality changes. Getting lost while driving a familiar route is often a tip off, as is the inability to make a decision or making very bad decisions. When people change dramatically in any way, you may be looking at dementia.
If you want to know the signs of dementia, go to www.alz.org. The National Alzheimer's Association is very helpful. Even if you are wondering about dementia in general, they will be able to give you a lot of tips.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you come out on the other side without being completely crazy?
You have more to cope with than most people, since your relatively young husband is so ill and your parents in their 90s! Can your siblings... You have more to cope with than most people, since your relatively young husband is so ill and your parents in their 90s! Can your siblings do more for you parents so that you can concentrate on your husband? It seems he's declining the most at this time.
I'd suggest that you contact the National Family Caregivers Support Program in your state. If you type your state name in your search engine and then aging or another similar search word, you should find caregiving and the NFCSP program. Some state's use a slightly different title but every state has a program. They can be very helpful. Maybe they can find a way for you to get some respite.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'd suggest that you contact the National Family Caregivers Support Program in your state. If you type your state name in your search engine and then aging or another similar search word, you should find caregiving and the NFCSP program. Some state's use a slightly different title but every state has a program. They can be very helpful. Maybe they can find a way for you to get some respite.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If I get POA does that mean my Grandma can't give money to people without me knowing?
The POA only allows you to take care of financial issues for your grandma. It doesn't keep her from her own money. To my knowledge, the... The POA only allows you to take care of financial issues for your grandma. It doesn't keep her from her own money. To my knowledge, the only way to do this would be to get guardianship for her which is a long court process. She'd have to be judged incompetent by doctors. It's not an easy task.
You could get the help of an elder law attorney because of the people taking advantage of her. I'm not sure how much help that would be unless your grandma wants help, but you could talk with one and see. Many attorneys give one free session to discuss the problem.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You could get the help of an elder law attorney because of the people taking advantage of her. I'm not sure how much help that would be unless your grandma wants help, but you could talk with one and see. Many attorneys give one free session to discuss the problem.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can the IRS take the settlement I received on mom's behalf due to my back taxes?
The best thing to do is contact a CPA. You want to file the right forms and do what needs to be done. It's possible that a professional... The best thing to do is contact a CPA. You want to file the right forms and do what needs to be done. It's possible that a professional can help you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does anybody know how I can make my mother understand who she see's in the mirror is herself?
Hi Linda, You'll have to accept that fact that she can't recognize herself. She may even be frightened by "that person."... Hi Linda,
You'll have to accept that fact that she can't recognize herself. She may even be frightened by "that person." The reason is that in her mind she is a young person, maybe in her twenties or even teens. This "old" person in the mirror exists in a time that she can't remember.
It's tough to cover mirrors, I know. If you can't do that, then the only thing I can think of is to say, when she asks about that person in the mirror, that the person is the cleaning lady or a nurse or something to that effect. Don't try to convince her that she is this person, because that will only stress her. If you just shrug it off and act like the person belongs there, maybe she won't get so upset.
This is only one of the many challenges you're facing. I hope others on the forum will jump in if they have ideas.
Take care,
Carol see more
You'll have to accept that fact that she can't recognize herself. She may even be frightened by "that person." The reason is that in her mind she is a young person, maybe in her twenties or even teens. This "old" person in the mirror exists in a time that she can't remember.
It's tough to cover mirrors, I know. If you can't do that, then the only thing I can think of is to say, when she asks about that person in the mirror, that the person is the cleaning lady or a nurse or something to that effect. Don't try to convince her that she is this person, because that will only stress her. If you just shrug it off and act like the person belongs there, maybe she won't get so upset.
This is only one of the many challenges you're facing. I hope others on the forum will jump in if they have ideas.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do I do if I think my father was taken advantage of financially by my sister who lived with him? There ma...
It's so sad that your dad's last months were so dreadful. It sounds as though your sister's mental health may have interfered... It's so sad that your dad's last months were so dreadful. It sounds as though your sister's mental health may have interfered with her ability to care for your dad. If she had been taking good care of your dad, a monthly salary would have been understandable but that should have been worked out before hand.
At this point, there's not likely anything you can do unless you want to get legal help. You mention attorney invoices in your note, so perhaps that attorney can help you decide what to do, or else refer you to an appropriate attorney. It would be good to talk things through with this person before taking any drastic steps.
Good luck with this sad situation. You may want to talk it though with a counselor, as well.
Carol see more
At this point, there's not likely anything you can do unless you want to get legal help. You mention attorney invoices in your note, so perhaps that attorney can help you decide what to do, or else refer you to an appropriate attorney. It would be good to talk things through with this person before taking any drastic steps.
Good luck with this sad situation. You may want to talk it though with a counselor, as well.
Carol see more
Question
Could medicine interaction cause mom slurred speech and drooling?
HI Fraulein, Yes, the slurred speech and drooling could be caused by medications. So could the headaches, though it's very wise to get... HI Fraulein,
Yes, the slurred speech and drooling could be caused by medications. So could the headaches, though it's very wise to get her eyes taken care of, as well. A pharmacist may be able to help you and the doctor decide which drug she takes may be most likely to be causing the symptoms. The only reliable way to tell would be to try eliminating one drug at a time, and you should only do that with the doctor's help.
Real time makes a point in that if a medication change happened shortly before the symptoms, the new drug could be the likely culprit.
You sound as though you're taking good care of your mom. Work with the professionals and you'll know that you're doing the best for her that you can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Yes, the slurred speech and drooling could be caused by medications. So could the headaches, though it's very wise to get her eyes taken care of, as well. A pharmacist may be able to help you and the doctor decide which drug she takes may be most likely to be causing the symptoms. The only reliable way to tell would be to try eliminating one drug at a time, and you should only do that with the doctor's help.
Real time makes a point in that if a medication change happened shortly before the symptoms, the new drug could be the likely culprit.
You sound as though you're taking good care of your mom. Work with the professionals and you'll know that you're doing the best for her that you can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My husband & I live with her. We want to move to Arizona to our house...
This is as good a time as any to make the move. Be prepared for her to be confused and even frightened by the change, but if you write down... This is as good a time as any to make the move. Be prepared for her to be confused and even frightened by the change, but if you write down things you tell her so that she can check her list, that may help her remember what's going on. Also, if you have pictures of your Arizona house, make copies for her. You could put together a little book so she can refer to that often.
Talk about how nice the weather is, etc. Just be very positive and expect that she will not always understand what's going on. This will take patience, but you can do it.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Talk about how nice the weather is, etc. Just be very positive and expect that she will not always understand what's going on. This will take patience, but you can do it.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Do people with Dementia realize they are this way? Or is their life as "they are living it" seem pretty normal...
Each individual is a bit different and much depends on the type of dementia they have as well as the stage the are in. However, in most... Each individual is a bit different and much depends on the type of dementia they have as well as the stage the are in.
However, in most cases when the people are in a memory unit they have passed into a stage where their own reality is the only one they know.
Again, depending on the stage they are in, they may become very frustrated when they forget something they want to remember. It's also common for them to be frightened because paranoia is often part of the disease. For these reasons they may not always be content.
However they may have times of serenity if they are getting proper, individual care. Especially in the later stages of Alzheimer's, you'll see many people totally in their own world. However, I'd never want to take the chance that they don't know what's happening around them. That's why it's important to not speak negatively when they are within hearing distance.
Treating them with dignity and respect is important, and you sound like a person who will do that. It's wonderful of you to care so much.
Take care,
Carol see more
However, in most cases when the people are in a memory unit they have passed into a stage where their own reality is the only one they know.
Again, depending on the stage they are in, they may become very frustrated when they forget something they want to remember. It's also common for them to be frightened because paranoia is often part of the disease. For these reasons they may not always be content.
However they may have times of serenity if they are getting proper, individual care. Especially in the later stages of Alzheimer's, you'll see many people totally in their own world. However, I'd never want to take the chance that they don't know what's happening around them. That's why it's important to not speak negatively when they are within hearing distance.
Treating them with dignity and respect is important, and you sound like a person who will do that. It's wonderful of you to care so much.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is foot tapping a symptom of Alzheimer's?
It sounds like something you should ask the doctor about. This isn't necessarily an Alzheimer's symptom, but repetitive ticks can... It sounds like something you should ask the doctor about. This isn't necessarily an Alzheimer's symptom, but repetitive ticks can be part of dementia. However, there could be another cause, as well. It's smart of you to notice these changes. Please do check it out medically.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do you answer the question of what happened to the war bonds when the caregiver has no idea?
This is heartbreaking. I had similar situations and the only thing I could do was to say something like, "Let's make an... This is heartbreaking. I had similar situations and the only thing I could do was to say something like, "Let's make an appointment to check on them" and then distract Mom to something else. Another idea, one that I used with my dad a lot, was to make "fake" documents. You may be able to write your mother a letter from the "bank" saying that the War bonds are safely kept in Washington now, but that she is credited with the money. I know it's not fun to lie, but it's very hard on your mom and you to have to keep going over this. I'm a firm believer in the hard truth the first time around, but if they can't remember what happened and keep asking and keep feeling depressed over the answer, then try something else. Distraction can work for awhile, but sometimes therapeutic lying is the only way to peace. Be as vague as you can while still settling her down.
Good luck. You've got lots of company.
Carol see more
Good luck. You've got lots of company.
Carol see more
Question
Suddenly my mom has an aversion to my husband. How can I make this better?
If it's any comfort, this stage should pass as her dementia progresses. Of course other issues will follow. It's possible that... If it's any comfort, this stage should pass as her dementia progresses. Of course other issues will follow.
It's possible that your husband reminds your mother of someone she didn't like many years back. Since your husband was gone awhile, she may have "switched" his identity and this other person in her mind.
With most types of dementia, short-term memory is an issue, while long-term remains fairly much in tact so this other person is not in the forefront.
I know explanations aren't that helpful to you. It's hard to live with this no matter how much you understand. However, there's not really a lot you can do except limit the time she has with your husband. He sounds very understanding which is huge bonus for you, as many spouses aren't as supportive.
Good luck to you. I hope someone on the forum has other ideas because I know this has to be nerve wracking!
Carol see more
It's possible that your husband reminds your mother of someone she didn't like many years back. Since your husband was gone awhile, she may have "switched" his identity and this other person in her mind.
With most types of dementia, short-term memory is an issue, while long-term remains fairly much in tact so this other person is not in the forefront.
I know explanations aren't that helpful to you. It's hard to live with this no matter how much you understand. However, there's not really a lot you can do except limit the time she has with your husband. He sounds very understanding which is huge bonus for you, as many spouses aren't as supportive.
Good luck to you. I hope someone on the forum has other ideas because I know this has to be nerve wracking!
Carol see more
Question
My eyes feel dry and burn all the time. Can anyone help?
Dry eyes can be just annoying, but they can also be a sign of serious diseases. Please see your eye doctor for a diagnosis. Prescription... Dry eyes can be just annoying, but they can also be a sign of serious diseases. Please see your eye doctor for a diagnosis. Prescription eye drops may be much more effective if dry eyes are the only issue, but more importantly, he or she may catch an eye disease early and prevent damage.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you find a "patient manager"?
Unfortunately, geriatric care managers don't all go by the same title. There's a website you can try called the National... Unfortunately, geriatric care managers don't all go by the same title. There's a website you can try called the National Association of Geriatric Care Managers at
http://www.caremanager.org/. If you don't find help there and your phone book doesn't give you any clues, try calling social service agencies to see if they have recommendations. This is a fairly new field, so it's not always easy to find this type of help, but you are right - this would be ideal in the situation you describe.
Good luck,
Carol see more
http://www.caremanager.org/. If you don't find help there and your phone book doesn't give you any clues, try calling social service agencies to see if they have recommendations. This is a fairly new field, so it's not always easy to find this type of help, but you are right - this would be ideal in the situation you describe.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is it typical to forget one person when a person has dementia?
How was your relationship before her dementia? It could be that your mother-in-law resents needing care so much that she's... How was your relationship before her dementia? It could be that your mother-in-law resents needing care so much that she's "replaced" her daughter-in-law with the idea that you're hired help. Confusion is very much a part of dementia, so this could make sense.
At any rate, I wouldn't say she is faking, but her behavior does seem to be about your relationship with her at this time. Try not to take it personally, even though it's hard. If she is truly doing this on purpose and you don't react, she may "recognize" you again. However, I think it's more likely that she's confused by the role you now play in her life.
Take care,
Carol see more
At any rate, I wouldn't say she is faking, but her behavior does seem to be about your relationship with her at this time. Try not to take it personally, even though it's hard. If she is truly doing this on purpose and you don't react, she may "recognize" you again. However, I think it's more likely that she's confused by the role you now play in her life.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
When my father's memory became of real concern, he designated me his health care surrogate. How does this affe...
It's likely your dad completed this legal work because he didn't know what would happen with your mom's health as he declined... It's likely your dad completed this legal work because he didn't know what would happen with your mom's health as he declined and he wanted all paperwork in place. If your mom is capable of making decisions, it only seems right that she should be the first line in making health care decisions for your dad, unless you know of reasons that he wouldn't want this. You'd be there to help her.
Often we have to think about what one of our parents would want if they could still make decisions for themselves. In a caring family, we can usually come to an agreement. You should talk with your mom about this, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
Often we have to think about what one of our parents would want if they could still make decisions for themselves. In a caring family, we can usually come to an agreement. You should talk with your mom about this, too.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
She has been with me in LA for 23 months, SS shows her as AR resident. What does this mean to Medicaid?
Medicaid is a federal program but it's controlled by the states. If she's living with you, I'd suggest that you immediately get... Medicaid is a federal program but it's controlled by the states. If she's living with you, I'd suggest that you immediately get her registered as a state resident in CA. Arizona may not be willing to pay since she lives with you in CA. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Dad refusing to take care of himself. He is frustrated and maybe depressed.
Since your dad does have some friends, maybe you could talk to them and see if they can subtly help your dad accept his need for diabetes... Since your dad does have some friends, maybe you could talk to them and see if they can subtly help your dad accept his need for diabetes management. Elders often resent being "bugged" by their adult kids. This can make them as stubborn as teenagers. They are the parent and don't liked being told what to do. That's why someone outside of the family can sometimes help.
It would be ideal if he'd see a doctor about what looks like depression. You are absolutely right on all counts. It's getting him to do it. Enlisting his friends may be your best bet.
Take care,
Carol see more
It would be ideal if he'd see a doctor about what looks like depression. You are absolutely right on all counts. It's getting him to do it. Enlisting his friends may be your best bet.
Take care,
Carol see more
Why won't Social Security accept the POA my father executed prior to brain surgery?
Take care,
Carol see more