Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
My mother wants to be a part of every conversation that happens in my home. How do I address it without offend...
You're got a difficult situation that is, unfortunately, common under your circumstances. Your mother feels comfortable, which is a... You're got a difficult situation that is, unfortunately, common under your circumstances. Your mother feels comfortable, which is a good thing. But she hasn't learned about boundaries. I'm afraid you'll have to risk upsetting her by telling her that you and your husband need time alone sometimes - couple time. Let her know you love her and value her company, but you need "date nights" and also to be able to have a conversation together without others. That part will be difficult. Only by being open - loving, but open - will things change. Not putting any blame on her is essential. Stay loving and kind, but explain your needs. I hope you are able to make some progress.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is mom too clingy? Can that be hurting my family?
You'll have to learn to set some boundaries or this could permanently hurt your marriage. If your mom is saying untrue things, she may... You'll have to learn to set some boundaries or this could permanently hurt your marriage. If your mom is saying untrue things, she may either be trying to control you or else she's developed cognitive problems. I think she may need a physical to see if something curable is wrong, such as an infection or problems with medications. She likely should also be examined for dementia symptoms. Then, if you present your siblings with the results, they might get the picture. Tell them directly that you need more help with your mom. Sometimes people just like to remain in denial that anything is wrong. If they hear it from a doctor they may change. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What can I do or should I do with my foster mother?
It does sound like she's depressed, I'd suggest that you try to get a psychologist to talk with her whether one comes to the home... It does sound like she's depressed, I'd suggest that you try to get a psychologist to talk with her whether one comes to the home or not. Keeping up with physical therapy on your own, when there's no therapist to push you forward is very difficult. Many people have trouble with that. Please do get some outside help for her sake and yours. This isn't a good situation for either of you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do all adult family care home request security deposits from residents?
Rates vary enormously around the country and depending on the services provided, however even if you rent an apartment, a security deposit... Rates vary enormously around the country and depending on the services provided, however even if you rent an apartment, a security deposit isn't unusual. I would call around to different care homes in Orlando and ask their policy. That way you'd know if the charge, which should be refunded when the room is vacated, is common in Orlando. Maybe someone on this site lives in the area and can give us some insight.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is there anything one can do to train seniors in how to deal with these agressive con men?
Your mom sounds amazing for her age, but she's no match for this kind of scam. You are right that she could be physically harmed, as... Your mom sounds amazing for her age, but she's no match for this kind of scam. You are right that she could be physically harmed, as well. I'm not sure where you live, but maybe there's a neighbor who could watch out for her. If not, she may be better off in a community living facility. She won't like the move, but 89 and alone is tough.
Unless, of course, there's a college student or someone you trust who could live with her? That might work, but you need to be very sure you can trust that person, of course, or you would be going backward rather than forward.
I'm glad the police were informed. This situation is appalling.
Take care,
Carol see more
Unless, of course, there's a college student or someone you trust who could live with her? That might work, but you need to be very sure you can trust that person, of course, or you would be going backward rather than forward.
I'm glad the police were informed. This situation is appalling.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal after a fall for mom to be more confused than ever?
Your note brought back a lot of memories of my mom. She split her head open in one of many falls and had a ton of staples. Awful. Your... Your note brought back a lot of memories of my mom. She split her head open in one of many falls and had a ton of staples. Awful.
Your mom had even more injuries. Her body has been through terrible trauma, to say nothing of her mind. Finding the UTI was great - so many elders have UTIs and are confused because of the infection in their system. My guess with your mom is that the trauma has set her back. Will she improve? Hard to tell. My personal thought is that these falls and other traumas are cumulative. How much can an aging body stand without confusion and even depression becoming part of the equation. Also, physical trauma, such as a broken hip, can heal but studies have shown they often shorten life.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My only advice is to be with her as much as you can and realize that she's been through so much that she may not recover to her previous condition. Naturally, the medical team will do what they can, and if your mom is strong enough, she may make it through. But prepare yourself for little or no improvement and a possible decline. I don't want to drag you down, but I'm being realistic. She's aging. She's been through a lot. Now all of this. Even a doctor isn't likely to give you any guarantee about how this will turn out. Meanwhile, take care of yourself as you show her your love.
Carol see more
Your mom had even more injuries. Her body has been through terrible trauma, to say nothing of her mind. Finding the UTI was great - so many elders have UTIs and are confused because of the infection in their system. My guess with your mom is that the trauma has set her back. Will she improve? Hard to tell. My personal thought is that these falls and other traumas are cumulative. How much can an aging body stand without confusion and even depression becoming part of the equation. Also, physical trauma, such as a broken hip, can heal but studies have shown they often shorten life.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My only advice is to be with her as much as you can and realize that she's been through so much that she may not recover to her previous condition. Naturally, the medical team will do what they can, and if your mom is strong enough, she may make it through. But prepare yourself for little or no improvement and a possible decline. I don't want to drag you down, but I'm being realistic. She's aging. She's been through a lot. Now all of this. Even a doctor isn't likely to give you any guarantee about how this will turn out. Meanwhile, take care of yourself as you show her your love.
Carol see more
Question
How do I go about finding a doctor who can assess the care my mother is getting at rehab center?
Was the last physician part of a group? If so, someone there should have a suggestion for a primary physician for your mom. Unfortunately,... Was the last physician part of a group? If so, someone there should have a suggestion for a primary physician for your mom. Unfortunately, not all physicians will go to a facility. You may have to take her to the physician. The facility would have to send her records to the new doctor, so they could be reviewed. If you don't have any idea where to look for a doctor, try talking with families of others in the rehab facilities. They could be a great resource.
Good luck. This is a common situation made worse because of the loss of her doctor.
Carol see more
Good luck. This is a common situation made worse because of the loss of her doctor.
Carol see more
Question
I would like to get my mother out of the nursing home but I do not have a POA or guardianship. Can I bring her...
Unless she doesn't want to go home, I would think you could take her out. Has anyone said differently? If you have difficulty, contact... Unless she doesn't want to go home, I would think you could take her out. Has anyone said differently?
If you have difficulty, contact the ombudsman for that nursing home. You can find that person at www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code for the nursing home and follow the links. Good luck,
Carol see more
If you have difficulty, contact the ombudsman for that nursing home. You can find that person at www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code for the nursing home and follow the links. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Should I use an agency or have an individual help my mother-in-law, who is 91 and has dementia?
In-home care should be able to fill the gap in care for your mother-in-law. If you have choices, chat with them all. You want to be sure... In-home care should be able to fill the gap in care for your mother-in-law. If you have choices, chat with them all. You want to be sure you have a good fit. Agencies can be good because background checks should have been done (ask to be sure), as well as the fact that they have many caregivers so if one doesn't work out, you can ask for someone different.
Individuals can be wonderful if you find the right person, but you are on your own with background checks and other decisions about whether they will make a good caregiver and rules about employment.
Good luck with finding a good caregiver. That should ease your mind.
Carol see more
Individuals can be wonderful if you find the right person, but you are on your own with background checks and other decisions about whether they will make a good caregiver and rules about employment.
Good luck with finding a good caregiver. That should ease your mind.
Carol see more
Question
I am emotionally and physically drained from caregiving and I have no one to talk to. Any suggestions?
Your doctor is right about hospice. Also, it seems to me with your own health failing, it's time - really, past time - for you to think... Your doctor is right about hospice. Also, it seems to me with your own health failing, it's time - really, past time - for you to think about a nursing home for your mom. You can only do so much and it seems like you've been over the limit for quite awhile. Ask the doctor about an Alzheimer's support group, check online with the Alzheimer's Association (www.alz.org) for more support, and keep reading this forum for caregiver support. Please get help soon.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
As dementia progresses, does it usually progress faster as time goes by?
Not necessarily. Each person is different, however, so there's no sure way to predict how fast the symptoms will advance. Also, people... Not necessarily. Each person is different, however, so there's no sure way to predict how fast the symptoms will advance. Also, people can go "back and forth" between stages as they progress. Some days may be better than others. It's not always a straight line. You might want to contact the National Alzheimer's Foundation for support at www.alz.org.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I prevent my mom with dementia from removing her bandages until she is healed?
Can you find a close fitting soft tee shirt for her to wear - one that will make it hard for her to reach the dressing? Either that or a... Can you find a close fitting soft tee shirt for her to wear - one that will make it hard for her to reach the dressing? Either that or a light sweatshirt or something that buttons or zips in the back (or you can put on backward so she can't get it open. It's frustrating for you, but she can't understand why that strange (perhaps itchy?) stuff is taped on her and she wants it off. So, it's a matter of keeping it beyond reach (as you know). Good luck. If you find a kind of shirt or other type of clothing she'll keep on, let us know. There are others fighting this battle.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How long does a person have if they have had Alzheimers several years now?
He may have a long time yet if he has no other health issues. Much depends on his age, as well. Alzheimer's is thought to start long... He may have a long time yet if he has no other health issues. Much depends on his age, as well. Alzheimer's is thought to start long before symptoms, so it's hard to know how long he's had the disease. In general people live with the symptoms anywhere from 8 to 20 years, so you can see that there's a large difference. I'd say he likely has quite awhile to go unless he's really in late stage dementia, but you should talk with his doctor to find out more.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do I do when my Mom can't remember to take her medicine?
Your mom is likely embarrassed about her confusion. Dementia isn't just about memory, but confusion about what to do no matter how many... Your mom is likely embarrassed about her confusion. Dementia isn't just about memory, but confusion about what to do no matter how many times things are explained. I remember putting an antibiotic out in a divided pill box for my mother-in-law. I visited daily, but not 3 times a day and that's what her meds dictated. When I visited the second day she'd piled most of the pills together in several sections of the box - others were empty. There was no way to tell what she'd taken - it was like a shell game. She didn't do it on purpose. She just couldn't keep the reason for the pill arrangement in her brain. I don't think your mom is doing this on purpose, either. And she gets upset with constant reminders because she is tired of feeling wrong.
You've tried many different pill boxes which made sense, but she may not be beyond her ability to figure out meds. If none of them are life-threatening, maybe you could give her vitamins, etc. when you see her and just try the two daily medications in the pill container to make it easier. Otherwise, you'll have to decide how important the pills are and when you need to find a routine where her meds can be monitored.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You've tried many different pill boxes which made sense, but she may not be beyond her ability to figure out meds. If none of them are life-threatening, maybe you could give her vitamins, etc. when you see her and just try the two daily medications in the pill container to make it easier. Otherwise, you'll have to decide how important the pills are and when you need to find a routine where her meds can be monitored.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you know if it's time to find outside living arrangements for your loved one?
Hi Southerngirl, I think you've reached that point. You can be much more emotionally present for your mother if you aren't... Hi Southerngirl,
I think you've reached that point. You can be much more emotionally present for your mother if you aren't physically worn out with her complicated care. Since she's in a rehab hospital, she can move directly to a nursing home where the first few weeks will be covered by Medicare. Then, she will go on private pay until her assets are spent down. From there Medicaid will take over. I'd look for the best nursing home you have around you, preferably one close to where you live.
My community has outstanding nursing homes, yet few of us want our loved ones to make the move until necessary. I hope your community offers quality care, as well.
The only other option that I can see is hiring home care at night as well. That will be very expensive and may not allow you to get the rest you need since there would still be disruptions.
Only you can make the decision, but I think you are at the crossroads now. Good luck,
Carol see more
I think you've reached that point. You can be much more emotionally present for your mother if you aren't physically worn out with her complicated care. Since she's in a rehab hospital, she can move directly to a nursing home where the first few weeks will be covered by Medicare. Then, she will go on private pay until her assets are spent down. From there Medicaid will take over. I'd look for the best nursing home you have around you, preferably one close to where you live.
My community has outstanding nursing homes, yet few of us want our loved ones to make the move until necessary. I hope your community offers quality care, as well.
The only other option that I can see is hiring home care at night as well. That will be very expensive and may not allow you to get the rest you need since there would still be disruptions.
Only you can make the decision, but I think you are at the crossroads now. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How long will it take my mom to adjust to her new assisted living situation?
This is very normal. Please be patient.This is her first holiday season without her husband or her home. These are huge adjustments to... This is very normal. Please be patient.This is her first holiday season without her husband or her home. These are huge adjustments to make. You'll just have to expect her to have hard times. Even if she hadn't had so many changes so fast, a week is nothing when it comes to adjustment. The holiday season will make it harder, but expect a few months before she's really adjusted. It will take time but you did the right thing. Eventually, she'll make friends and find a new routine. She'll still miss her husband, so expect ups and downs.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom eats slow, walks slow tell my son the same thing occasionally. That the elderly seem childish.
Your mom may not have dementia, but it could help if your son would read this article:... Your mom may not have dementia, but it could help if your son would read this article: http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/62/155361/grandchildren
He may realize that as people age they may change in some ways, but they are still the loving grandparent. It's normal for kids to be impatient, and I understand that you want to save him from regrets, but I do think you'll need to be realistic as to how much he can understand. It's good of you to try however. I hope the article helps.
Carol see more
He may realize that as people age they may change in some ways, but they are still the loving grandparent. It's normal for kids to be impatient, and I understand that you want to save him from regrets, but I do think you'll need to be realistic as to how much he can understand. It's good of you to try however. I hope the article helps.
Carol see more
Question
How do I help my parents make difficult decisions?
It does sounds obvious that your parents need to sell one home. That's an emotional decision, but necessary. It may help if you can... It does sounds obvious that your parents need to sell one home. That's an emotional decision, but necessary. It may help if you can hire a financial adviser to talk with them. If they use a CPA for the bed and breakfast business taxes, this person may be willing to go over their expenses and convince them what needs to be done. People often take bad news better from a stranger than from family members. If the CPA idea won't work, your bank may have someone that can talk with them for a charge.
The same would hold true with your mom's driving. She won't listen to you, but if you contact the DMV and let them know how your mother drives, they will likely ask her to come in for a driver's test. It sounds as though she won't pass the test.
Often in caregiving we need to call upon specialists to convince our elders to make decisions that are in their best interest. Emotions and fear can freeze them in situations that need changing. You and your husband are already doing a lot. It's time to bring in people from the outside to help you cope.
Good luck,
Carol see more
The same would hold true with your mom's driving. She won't listen to you, but if you contact the DMV and let them know how your mother drives, they will likely ask her to come in for a driver's test. It sounds as though she won't pass the test.
Often in caregiving we need to call upon specialists to convince our elders to make decisions that are in their best interest. Emotions and fear can freeze them in situations that need changing. You and your husband are already doing a lot. It's time to bring in people from the outside to help you cope.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Should I become Representative Payee on my mom's SS check, or just open a joint bank account?
Really good responses here. You are all amazing!
Carol
Carol
Mom wants to kill herself with pills. What am I to do with a woman who is giving up on life?
Good luck,
Carol see more