Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What should a part-time person who does errands and driving to doctor's appointments be paid?
You are incredibly fortunate, as I'm sure you know. I'd pay this wonderful person at least what an in-home agency would charge per... You are incredibly fortunate, as I'm sure you know. I'd pay this wonderful person at least what an in-home agency would charge per hour. That will vary depending on the area, but you can call a couple of agencies to get an idea. Likely it will be close to $20 an hour. I think a very nice Christmas bonus should be added as well. You obviously appreciate her, so that's good. I'm sure she could use extra money - most people can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I tell if my mom in law is mentally ill or has dementia?
This sounds like more than "some dementia." She may have a combination of mental illness (perhaps she's been mentally ill for... This sounds like more than "some dementia." She may have a combination of mental illness (perhaps she's been mentally ill for years from what you've said of her horrible behavior). But people can have dementia along with mental illness. She needs to see a psychiatrist who can deal with both. Please take care of yourself. This is too much for anyone to handle alone.
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Carol see more
Question
Has anyone had success with natural nontoxic non-pharmaceutical remedies for dementia/Alzheimer's?
Some studies have suggested fish oil and turmeric(with high curcumin levels) are helpful, along with the other things you've mentioned.... Some studies have suggested fish oil and turmeric(with high curcumin levels) are helpful, along with the other things you've mentioned. These are not likely to cure your mom, but interest in the arts and music, socialization, exercise, good diet and weight and some supplements may help her lead a better quality of life for now. Yes, the drugs now offered have side effects and they are not for everyone. However, it would be good to talk this over with her doctor. You may want to seek out a naturopathic doctor in addition to her traditional doctor. Then you can balance the information. The natural route isn't likely to harm your mother, however. The point is whether or not starting the available drugs as early as possible would be helpful.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My father insists on living alone and my sister is in agreement.
You nailed it in the end. Your sister wants to save "his" money - for her inheritance. That is very sad but also, unfortunately,... You nailed it in the end. Your sister wants to save "his" money - for her inheritance. That is very sad but also, unfortunately, rather common. If she and your father both continue to fight you on this, about the only thing I can think of is wait until he's really stinky and the house is bad and see if social services can do a welfare check. They maybe can force something. Otherwise, I'm not sure there is much you can do until he gets worse or your sister gets a conscience. I'm so sorry.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
When does an elder parent need assisted living?
She should see a doctor. Maybe you can get her there for another reason other than the signs of dementia. People often feel stigmatized... She should see a doctor. Maybe you can get her there for another reason other than the signs of dementia. People often feel stigmatized when someone says they aren't thinking right. That's, unfortunately, due to our society, but it will take time to change.
If she has high blood pressure or any other ailment, tell her the doctor must see her to give her the medications. Then, write the doctor ahead of time (or call if you can get through). Let the doctor know that you feel there are cognitive issues and describe them. It's possible that your mother has a UTI or some medication interaction that is causing these symptoms. However, likely it is dementia. Anyway, the only way to know is to get a diagnosis. Just back off for now when it comes to telling your mother you think she has dementia and try for some other reason to see a doctor.
Also yes, it sounds as though she should be in a memory unit if no one in the family can stay with her (as is most often the case). That is, of course, if there isn't a reversible cause for her disordered behavior. The doctor can help with that, as well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If she has high blood pressure or any other ailment, tell her the doctor must see her to give her the medications. Then, write the doctor ahead of time (or call if you can get through). Let the doctor know that you feel there are cognitive issues and describe them. It's possible that your mother has a UTI or some medication interaction that is causing these symptoms. However, likely it is dementia. Anyway, the only way to know is to get a diagnosis. Just back off for now when it comes to telling your mother you think she has dementia and try for some other reason to see a doctor.
Also yes, it sounds as though she should be in a memory unit if no one in the family can stay with her (as is most often the case). That is, of course, if there isn't a reversible cause for her disordered behavior. The doctor can help with that, as well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone know if a mediator charges for the elderly, when sisters disagree about money and care?
Likely a mediator will charge, much like a counselor would. However, you may find one pro bono if you contact your local social services or... Likely a mediator will charge, much like a counselor would. However, you may find one pro bono if you contact your local social services or Agency on Aging. Considering that lack money is not an issue for your family, however, they likely will consider that you are in a position to pay the mediator. A mediator is a good step. Please try it if the family can't come to any agreement.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How much should I charge to be the caregiver of my dad who lives with me?
Were did you sign up? If it's through Medicaid, they will determine what you get paid, I assume. If you mean you did it through the... Were did you sign up? If it's through Medicaid, they will determine what you get paid, I assume. If you mean you did it through the family, then I'd check with in-home care agencies and get some kind of a base hourly fee. That can at least be a starting point. Take care,
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Carol see more
Question
What are some of the things you expect a live in aide to do for your loved one with dementia?
You'd decide in the contract what their duties are, but certainly interacting with them, taking them out if the person with AD enjoys... You'd decide in the contract what their duties are, but certainly interacting with them, taking them out if the person with AD enjoys outings, playing games or music, likely toileting and shower or bathing if the help is needed, feeding if that's required. The idea is that you decide and lay out in writing and the person hired agrees.
If you have the kind of person you'd really like, certainly interacting with the person with AD would go without saying, but it's still best to include that in writing. The person should know if/when he or she is off duty and on duty, though likely if they are there, emergencies are taken care of no matter what. I hope you find a good person.
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If you have the kind of person you'd really like, certainly interacting with the person with AD would go without saying, but it's still best to include that in writing. The person should know if/when he or she is off duty and on duty, though likely if they are there, emergencies are taken care of no matter what. I hope you find a good person.
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Question
My grandmother bites, kicks, and punches when I try to take her to the toilet or shower. Any advice?
Ativan is a good drug. They don't like to use too much of it, but in a case such as your grandmother, there really isn't much... Ativan is a good drug. They don't like to use too much of it, but in a case such as your grandmother, there really isn't much choice but to sedate her to some degree. Don't feel guilty. Just work closely with the doctor. They should be able to find something that can make her less anxious. It's anxiety and fear that make her act out, so remember that the medication isn't just to make her easier to handle but to help her feel less anxious.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom with dementia is like the energizer bunny. What do you use to get your loved one to sleep at night?
It sounds as though you are working closely with the medical team, so you could at least try the higher dose. You'll want to watch for... It sounds as though you are working closely with the medical team, so you could at least try the higher dose. You'll want to watch for negative side effects, and you don't want her sleeping all the time, however you both need some rest. If a higher dose of lorazepam doesn't put her into a complete fog during the day, it may be worth trying, at least occasionally. Keep in close contact with the doctor.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Dealing with mom's death.
Please, please don't feel guilty about feeling frustrated or anything you said on this site or to other people. You are human and... Please, please don't feel guilty about feeling frustrated or anything you said on this site or to other people. You are human and caregiving is tough. You have no reason to feel guilty.
Six months isn't all that long for grief, and everyone grieves differently. Be prepared for tough times during this first holiday season without her. I remember writing in my newspaper column about feeling like an orphan after my mother died. My dad had died just five months before. I handled it pretty well, but two years later - bam! I got hit with deep sorrow out of no where. It passed and I was fine, but my point is that you will always miss your mom and your will always grieve the loss. But it does get much better.
You will get on with your life without her and remember the good times - treasure the good memories. Just remember how much you did to help her and remember that your mind, like most of ours, will play tricks on you. Memories of little things that didn't even matter at the time can now pop up and seem like big deals. You'll feel like you should have done better. Done more. It's not true. When that happens, you need to remind yourself that you did your best and your mom knows you did.
If those feelings persist, you need to talk to other caregivers or a counselor.
If your mom had hospice care, they will likely offer you grief counseling for at least a year afterward, so give them a call.
The fact that hospice offers this counseling for a year shows you that they know people grieve for a long time. If you don't qualify for hospice grief counseling, and you don't start feeling better, please see a grief counselor or your spiritual adviser.
You did a wonderful thing by taking care of your mom. You'll miss her always. But your life will get better in time.
Blessings to you. We do care,
Carol see more
Six months isn't all that long for grief, and everyone grieves differently. Be prepared for tough times during this first holiday season without her. I remember writing in my newspaper column about feeling like an orphan after my mother died. My dad had died just five months before. I handled it pretty well, but two years later - bam! I got hit with deep sorrow out of no where. It passed and I was fine, but my point is that you will always miss your mom and your will always grieve the loss. But it does get much better.
You will get on with your life without her and remember the good times - treasure the good memories. Just remember how much you did to help her and remember that your mind, like most of ours, will play tricks on you. Memories of little things that didn't even matter at the time can now pop up and seem like big deals. You'll feel like you should have done better. Done more. It's not true. When that happens, you need to remind yourself that you did your best and your mom knows you did.
If those feelings persist, you need to talk to other caregivers or a counselor.
If your mom had hospice care, they will likely offer you grief counseling for at least a year afterward, so give them a call.
The fact that hospice offers this counseling for a year shows you that they know people grieve for a long time. If you don't qualify for hospice grief counseling, and you don't start feeling better, please see a grief counselor or your spiritual adviser.
You did a wonderful thing by taking care of your mom. You'll miss her always. But your life will get better in time.
Blessings to you. We do care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I report a sibling with POA to adult protective services?
You can try to get social services to do a welfare check, but you may have no recourse other than going the legal route. You sound like you... You can try to get social services to do a welfare check, but you may have no recourse other than going the legal route. You sound like you have sufficient grounds. You could schedule a consultation with an elder law attorney or an estate attorney. You should get a feeling for your next step by doing that. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What do we do with our mother who insists that nothing's wrong with her, but is showing definite signs of deme...
Try to stand back for awhile, and then when you approach her again, do so with more tact. People are often defensive about any hint there... Try to stand back for awhile, and then when you approach her again, do so with more tact. People are often defensive about any hint there is a mental issue. It's terribly sad, but there's still a stigma attached.
Is she on medication for other illnesses such as high blood pressure? Diabetes? Anything at all? Take whatever you can and suggest that she get a checkup for the problem. Then you can call or write the doctor ahead of time and tell him or her about the cognitive issues.
Also, her medications or an infection such as a urinary tract infection (UTI) could cause the symptoms you describe. So the idea is that she needs a physical. If you can get her to a doctor for anything at all, you can let the doctor figure out what's wrong. Good luck,
Carol see more
Is she on medication for other illnesses such as high blood pressure? Diabetes? Anything at all? Take whatever you can and suggest that she get a checkup for the problem. Then you can call or write the doctor ahead of time and tell him or her about the cognitive issues.
Also, her medications or an infection such as a urinary tract infection (UTI) could cause the symptoms you describe. So the idea is that she needs a physical. If you can get her to a doctor for anything at all, you can let the doctor figure out what's wrong. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you know when it's no longer safe for your parent with dementia to live alone?
Since he's sundowning, that would indicate to me that he's closer to a stage when wandering could be an issue. The problem with... Since he's sundowning, that would indicate to me that he's closer to a stage when wandering could be an issue. The problem with wandering is that there's no warning. He'd just decide to go find a friend or a place he used to know and take off. You sound like you are more than doing your share now, as it is. I'd definitely look into in-home care or a memory unit in assisted living - for his sake and yours.
He could leave the stove on and start a fire or be at risk in other ways, as well as wandering.
Take care,
Carol see more
He could leave the stove on and start a fire or be at risk in other ways, as well as wandering.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If the surviving spouse is the Medicaid recipient can medicaid take the surviving spouse's newly awarded asset...
That depends on the amount of the assets. You'll need to check with Medicaid to see how your state handles this. Good luck,
Carol
Carol
Question
Is there a service that can pick up an elderly parent and take them to a doctor's appointment?
You can try calling your local associations. If you have an Area Agency on Aging servicing your area, they may be able to give you names of... You can try calling your local associations. If you have an Area Agency on Aging servicing your area, they may be able to give you names of volunteers. Few communities offer this service but I'm sure some do. Check with local churches, too. Some of them may have volunteers. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
Can you get paid for caring for your own parent if they are not on assistance?
If the money is there, you should be paid. It's either that or other members of your family take over your duties or hire someone else... If the money is there, you should be paid. It's either that or other members of your family take over your duties or hire someone else so that you can work you other job.
When a caregiver must give up paid work to care for a family member, there's no reason why that person can't be paid as long as the money is there. You should be paid just like the people hired at night. You will have to look into rules for IRS, but there's a certain amount that can be given as a gift and not taxed. I'd check this all out with a qualified CPA so that any money paid out is done so that it passes legal check points and also Medicaid look back tests, should your mom live long enough to exhaust her assets and need Medicaid.
It's unfortunate, but many times siblings don't want the caregiving family member paid because they want to inherit what's left. The money is for you mom's care. If they won't pay you, then you should return to work and they will have to pay someone else. It won't help you to lose everything. You've lost enough already.
Take care,
Carol see more
When a caregiver must give up paid work to care for a family member, there's no reason why that person can't be paid as long as the money is there. You should be paid just like the people hired at night. You will have to look into rules for IRS, but there's a certain amount that can be given as a gift and not taxed. I'd check this all out with a qualified CPA so that any money paid out is done so that it passes legal check points and also Medicaid look back tests, should your mom live long enough to exhaust her assets and need Medicaid.
It's unfortunate, but many times siblings don't want the caregiving family member paid because they want to inherit what's left. The money is for you mom's care. If they won't pay you, then you should return to work and they will have to pay someone else. It won't help you to lose everything. You've lost enough already.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is there a resource that I can call to get help for my mom and myself, who are frustrated by my dad's depressi...
If you can get your dad into a gerontologist he or she may do a better job of looking at the whole person. Your dad's lethargy could be... If you can get your dad into a gerontologist he or she may do a better job of looking at the whole person. Your dad's lethargy could be depression or something else, but someone needs to more than just "think" if he "might" have an infection. He should have a complete workup as well as more help with understandable depression after an amputation. There could be a vitamin deficiency or even cancer present.
Ask locally about caregiver support groups. You can try the Area Agency on Aging, if you have one locally, or ask at various non-profit social service agencies. Being with other caregivers should help you and your mom.
Take care,
Carol see more
Ask locally about caregiver support groups. You can try the Area Agency on Aging, if you have one locally, or ask at various non-profit social service agencies. Being with other caregivers should help you and your mom.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
New to POA and need to pay bills from elder's account...how do I do it?
Hi Angel, Your are wise to document everything you do, especially with the family history. However, as to how to use the POA, simply take a... Hi Angel,
Your are wise to document everything you do, especially with the family history. However, as to how to use the POA, simply take a copy to the bank. They will keep that on file. They may have other instructions for you depending on their procedure.
You'll need copies for may other transactions, as well. You may have to send a copy to her insurance company, etc. depending on how you pay for the services. I used to keep a copy in the glove compartment of my vehicle so I'd have it just in case. You'll do a good job with this. Just keep good records. That may mean not using the ATM more than necessary because it's easier to prove how money was used if you use checks or a charge account. Keep receipts, as well.
Best,
Carol see more
Your are wise to document everything you do, especially with the family history. However, as to how to use the POA, simply take a copy to the bank. They will keep that on file. They may have other instructions for you depending on their procedure.
You'll need copies for may other transactions, as well. You may have to send a copy to her insurance company, etc. depending on how you pay for the services. I used to keep a copy in the glove compartment of my vehicle so I'd have it just in case. You'll do a good job with this. Just keep good records. That may mean not using the ATM more than necessary because it's easier to prove how money was used if you use checks or a charge account. Keep receipts, as well.
Best,
Carol see more
I need an Elder Law Attorney to represent my family and I on a 2008 contested guardianship of person and prope...
Good Luck,
Carol