Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Can anyone help me to find the best heath care agencies?
Local word of mouth is generally best. Try going to your state website by typing in the name of your state and then "aging" and... Local word of mouth is generally best. Try going to your state website by typing in the name of your state and then "aging" and other search terms that apply. You should get state connections that way and you can then click on the links and find contacts to help you locally.
If you have an area Agency on Agency close by, they may have suggestions, as well. Other than that, I'd check you local phone directory under in-home health agencies and look for franchises that are well-known to have high standards. Small in-home help agencies can be wonderful, but you really need to have some basis for making the choice, so if you can't get local recommendations for them, I'd stick with larger agencies as they have standards that the local franchises must meet.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If you have an area Agency on Agency close by, they may have suggestions, as well. Other than that, I'd check you local phone directory under in-home health agencies and look for franchises that are well-known to have high standards. Small in-home help agencies can be wonderful, but you really need to have some basis for making the choice, so if you can't get local recommendations for them, I'd stick with larger agencies as they have standards that the local franchises must meet.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My fiance was appointed POA for his mother. What expenses is he responsible for?
The POA dies with the person, and even if she were alive, the POA isn't responsible for debts. If he is executor of the estate, then he... The POA dies with the person, and even if she were alive, the POA isn't responsible for debts. If he is executor of the estate, then he is responsible for paying her bills from her assets.
However, if the funeral home says the funeral cost more than the policy covered, you'll have to take that issue up with them. There should be some papers from when she signed over the policy that state whether or not that amount was to cover all expenses. If not, the family may need to pay the rest. To my knowledge, this gets down to the terms of the contract with the funeral home. Good luck,
Carol see more
However, if the funeral home says the funeral cost more than the policy covered, you'll have to take that issue up with them. There should be some papers from when she signed over the policy that state whether or not that amount was to cover all expenses. If not, the family may need to pay the rest. To my knowledge, this gets down to the terms of the contract with the funeral home. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone have experience with the chairs that go up and down stairs? Can you rent them?
My in-laws had one and it worked fine as long as your mom isn't afraid of heights. They have to have confidence to sit in the chair and... My in-laws had one and it worked fine as long as your mom isn't afraid of heights. They have to have confidence to sit in the chair and not be scared moving down. If you think she'll be fine with that, I'd say go for it. I don't know of any you can rent, but it could be possible. Maybe someone else on the forum will know.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What to do about an aging mother who is a suspected alcoholic?
As mentioned in these excellent answers, there's only so much you can do since she isn't your ward. You can try your county Adult... As mentioned in these excellent answers, there's only so much you can do since she isn't your ward. You can try your county Adult Protective Services and see if they can do a welfare check. If they see she is dirty and living poorly and probably drunk, they may be able to intervene temporarily. However, it's doubtful they can do much permanently.
I'd encourage your whole family to attend Al-Anon to help you cope with the issues this causes for you. It's horrible to watch someone self-destruct in this way. She likely has so much mental damage from the alcohol abuse that she has dementia. If it's bad enough you may be able to force her into some kind of help. The people at Al-Anon will know your local services and may be able to direct you. Good luck.
Carol see more
I'd encourage your whole family to attend Al-Anon to help you cope with the issues this causes for you. It's horrible to watch someone self-destruct in this way. She likely has so much mental damage from the alcohol abuse that she has dementia. If it's bad enough you may be able to force her into some kind of help. The people at Al-Anon will know your local services and may be able to direct you. Good luck.
Carol see more
Question
Where can a senior go online to apply for VA Aid and Attendance?
You've probably tried, va.gov. If not, please go over the site carefully. Other sites, including www.veteransaidbenefit.org can be... You've probably tried, va.gov. If not, please go over the site carefully. Other sites, including www.veteransaidbenefit.org can be helpful. Your local Veterans representative should be a big help. Call the nearest Veteran's Administration office to find out the phone number. Your relative should look into this benefit. She may or may not apply yet, but if not now, she may in the future. Please push through to see if she does.
Best,
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Best,
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Question
How can my mother get kicked out of the rehabilitation facility when the doctor said she could wait 6 weeks be...
You may want to contact your long-term care ombudsman for help. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. You... You may want to contact your long-term care ombudsman for help. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. You should get contact information. This person is your representative. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
How do caregivers find the time to take care of their own health?
You are like most of us. You are too busy caring for other to care for yourself. imagine, also, that you are so sick of sitting in... You are like most of us. You are too busy caring for other to care for yourself. imagine, also, that you are so sick of sitting in doctor's offices you can hardly handle the thought of going for yourself.
Like you, I let my own checkups slide. I was fortunate not to encounter anything horrible, but I did contract an autoimmune situation - very common in caregivers. All any of us can say is that you MUST find time to follow up on your own care. Hire respite care for your mom, take sick leave from work, whatever you must do, you need to take care of yourself. If you don't and you get sick, who will take care of all the people you take care of now?
You are as important as they are. Please follow through on your own healthcare, too, before you have something that will take over your life - and theirs.
Carol see more
Like you, I let my own checkups slide. I was fortunate not to encounter anything horrible, but I did contract an autoimmune situation - very common in caregivers. All any of us can say is that you MUST find time to follow up on your own care. Hire respite care for your mom, take sick leave from work, whatever you must do, you need to take care of yourself. If you don't and you get sick, who will take care of all the people you take care of now?
You are as important as they are. Please follow through on your own healthcare, too, before you have something that will take over your life - and theirs.
Carol see more
Question
My stepmother repeats herself constantly. Is it ok to tell her she "already asked that question?"
Telling her she's already asked that question won't help and will just create tension. Try to distract her with another topic. Your... Telling her she's already asked that question won't help and will just create tension. Try to distract her with another topic. Your father is the one that needs some help. I'd contact the Alzheimer's Assn. and ask about support groups in your area. Maybe you can take him to meetings. If your stepmother's daughter hasn't taken her to a doctor, she should. There are medications that may help slow her decline. Also, infections and medication reactions can mimic dementia, so a correct diagnosis is vital.
Good luck to you and your dad.
Carol see more
Good luck to you and your dad.
Carol see more
Question
What daily activities do you do with your love one who is at home with dementia?
This is highly individual, but one thing that can rarely miss is music. I'd keep a good collection of CDs around, plus DVDs of old... This is highly individual, but one thing that can rarely miss is music. I'd keep a good collection of CDs around, plus DVDs of old movies your loved one may enjoy. If he or she is in the early stages, games may work, but don't get to the point of frustration. At home art projects can be helpful and fun.
Early stages, theater, art museums and any other events that the person has always enjoyed should be continued. However, as the disease progresses, many people become anxious in crowds because they can't understand their surroundings. This is when routine and quiet times are vital.
Old photo albums are nearly always helpful and well as fun. Go through them together. Let the person tell you stories of childhood memories or whatever her or she wants to talk about. The biggest gift you can give is attentive listening.
Take care,
Carol see more
Early stages, theater, art museums and any other events that the person has always enjoyed should be continued. However, as the disease progresses, many people become anxious in crowds because they can't understand their surroundings. This is when routine and quiet times are vital.
Old photo albums are nearly always helpful and well as fun. Go through them together. Let the person tell you stories of childhood memories or whatever her or she wants to talk about. The biggest gift you can give is attentive listening.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am renting a home to care for two elderly women who require 24/7 care. What kind of liability insurance do...
This will depend of the state where you are set up. You should check with your state insurance department. They can likely guide you to the... This will depend of the state where you are set up. You should check with your state insurance department. They can likely guide you to the right resources to find out what you need.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
We have recently hired a full-time caregiver for mom. Do I need to pay Social Security for her?
I agree with JessieBelle. One more step may be to check with your state employment agency to see what the laws are. If she is your... I agree with JessieBelle. One more step may be to check with your state employment agency to see what the laws are. If she is your employee, as opposed to an independent contractor, you may have to pay into workers compensation, as well. It's good to know all of this ahead of time to avoid potential problems.
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Carol see more
Question
My husband just had a mini-stroke after having early vascular dementia for 18 months. What can I expect?
He will likely continue to decline. Keep trying to fill in holes in his memory if he doesn't get upset when you do so. If he gets... He will likely continue to decline. Keep trying to fill in holes in his memory if he doesn't get upset when you do so. If he gets upset, you may just have to distract him from the issue without making a big deal out of it. Sometimes we have to "agree" just to get them to move on. His deceased wife is part of each day because that's where his memory is stronger - longer term memory. It's hard for you, I'm sure, but it's just the disease, not him. Please try to remember it has nothing to do with your marriage. He just remembers the past better than the present.
Keep in contact with the doctor. It sounds like he's getting good care. You may eventually need to place him in a memory unit for his own safety. Good luck,
Carol see more
Keep in contact with the doctor. It sounds like he's getting good care. You may eventually need to place him in a memory unit for his own safety. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you get power of attorney of your parent?
It sounds like you should contact Social Services Adult Protection. They should be able to help you. Her situation with him was abusive, so... It sounds like you should contact Social Services Adult Protection. They should be able to help you. Her situation with him was abusive, so they should not allow him to take care of her. She is the person to assign Power Of Attorney, so if she signs the documents giving your mom POA that should help. You can get the documents from an attorney or even online. You may want to ask the nursing home social worker for help. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
How can you tell when a parent is losing their ability to make good judgements? How do you tell them this in a...
First of all, a POA for both finances and health care should be drawn up now. You can bring that up by telling her that you and your... First of all, a POA for both finances and health care should be drawn up now. You can bring that up by telling her that you and your husband are getting your own documents prepared because anyone can have an accident or health incident and it's just prudent to have the proper documents in place. That way, she may even ask to go along and do hers at the same time. If she doesn't, you can gently bring up the fact that she maybe should do the same thing.
It does sound like she's slipping. With her grandson living there, she has someone to look out for her now, but it would be good if she'd let you go to the doctor with her. Since she's admitted to forgetting meds, she maybe won't be too resistant, but I'd frame it as a general checkup. There are many issues, including medication interactions and low grade infections such as a UTI that can cause the symptoms she is having. If she understands that she may cooperate.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It does sound like she's slipping. With her grandson living there, she has someone to look out for her now, but it would be good if she'd let you go to the doctor with her. Since she's admitted to forgetting meds, she maybe won't be too resistant, but I'd frame it as a general checkup. There are many issues, including medication interactions and low grade infections such as a UTI that can cause the symptoms she is having. If she understands that she may cooperate.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What is our ethical duty to my mother in law?
In the end it depends on how hard you want to fight the brother-in-law and mother-on-law. Legally, she has the right to make her own... In the end it depends on how hard you want to fight the brother-in-law and mother-on-law. Legally, she has the right to make her own decisions and I'm not sure what you can do to change that. There's some chance that if no one is fighting with her she may give up the attention getting device of refusing to eat and begin to get better.
If she had dementia, you could fight for custody, which is expensive and you may not win since the brother-in-law has equal rights with your husband. Also, you really can't force her to eat anyway, so I'm not sure you'd gain much.
Please don't feel guilty - it sounds as though you are/have been trying your best and getting nowhere. Backing off may be all you can do. The results could be that she gives up and starts eating or else (unlikely, I think) she could starve. But the wish to die needs to be very strong to do that and she doesn't sound sick enough to stick it out. You might want to discuss this with a chaplain at the hospital, your church or your local hospice. They could help guide you.
Take care,
Carol see more
If she had dementia, you could fight for custody, which is expensive and you may not win since the brother-in-law has equal rights with your husband. Also, you really can't force her to eat anyway, so I'm not sure you'd gain much.
Please don't feel guilty - it sounds as though you are/have been trying your best and getting nowhere. Backing off may be all you can do. The results could be that she gives up and starts eating or else (unlikely, I think) she could starve. But the wish to die needs to be very strong to do that and she doesn't sound sick enough to stick it out. You might want to discuss this with a chaplain at the hospital, your church or your local hospice. They could help guide you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I'm concerned about a neighbor. Her name is Betty and she is 83 and lives alone. Unfortunately she has 4 kids...
If she is truly at risk, you can call Social Services and ask for a welfare check. Otherwise, I'd try to connect with one or more of... If she is truly at risk, you can call Social Services and ask for a welfare check. Otherwise, I'd try to connect with one or more of her kids. Maybe they are in denial about their mother's age related problems. That isn't terribly unusual, though it's sad. Hopefully, our of the four, at least one will take charge and look into his or her mother's welfare. It's good of you to be concerned.
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Question
Is there anyway to work around HIPPA restrictions to help manage care for mother (82) who is suffering from pa...
This is heartbreaking - I'm not sure you can do anything without going to court and having her declared incompetent. You may want to... This is heartbreaking - I'm not sure you can do anything without going to court and having her declared incompetent. You may want to have a consultation with an elder law attorney in your community to see if you have other choices. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
Is my mother drinking a qt. of gin a week, plus beer & wine a volume of concern? Is this too much & a danger f...
Most definitely! She sounds like she has an alcohol problem - not unusual in the older generation. Many people just cover it very well. I... Most definitely! She sounds like she has an alcohol problem - not unusual in the older generation. Many people just cover it very well. I hope you can talk her into going to AA - you may have to start with counseling if she will do that but not go to AA. If she won't do either (or even if she does), I'd strongly suggest that you attend some Al-Anon meetings. People there will be coping with the same issue and will be a great support for you.
Good luck.
Carol see more
Good luck.
Carol see more
Question
My aunt, who is 90 and has melanoma, and decided not to have the surgery. Should I respect her wishes, or try...
I think she's being perfectly rational if the surgery is more than just removing a mole. The risks of surgery and post-surgical... I think she's being perfectly rational if the surgery is more than just removing a mole. The risks of surgery and post-surgical dementia can be scary for someone that age. She likely couldn't tolerate radiation and/or chemotherapy, either. Unless she is refusing something very, very basic, it seems to me that she should have the right to make this decision. I hope if I get to be that age, my own wishes will be respected.
Take care - and never miss a chance to tell her you love her.
Carol see more
Take care - and never miss a chance to tell her you love her.
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Was it illegal for my sister to get my mother with dementia to change her power of attorney?
Good luck. see more