Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I find out about my parents' finances and assets when I have no money for legal fees?
You can check with your state bar association and see if there are attorney's who will work pro bono (free of charge). Most states have... You can check with your state bar association and see if there are attorney's who will work pro bono (free of charge). Most states have some. There's no guarantee that they will take your case, but it's worth a shot.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is the POA document a legal document that other siblings can see?
Absolutely. There are generally several "originals" (copies that are signed directly by the person granting the POA) plus many... Absolutely. There are generally several "originals" (copies that are signed directly by the person granting the POA) plus many photo copies, because when a POA to goes into effect, most banks want a copy. Many other agencies do, as well. If your sister has a POA for your parent, then all of your siblings should see it and maybe even have a copy of it in case something happens to your sister. Many POAs list an alternative person for backup.
I hope she share the copy with you and all of your siblings. Otherwise, things don't look good for family harmony.
Take care,
Carol see more
I hope she share the copy with you and all of your siblings. Otherwise, things don't look good for family harmony.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do I say and do when my mother lectures me all the time about my kids?
It's sad to say, but somehow you have to learn to tune out your mom and detach from what she is saying. If she is getting worse, you... It's sad to say, but somehow you have to learn to tune out your mom and detach from what she is saying. If she is getting worse, you may have to firmly tell her that you can't be around her unless she stops criticizing you. If/when she gets mad when you say that, calmly say, "I have to leave now. I'll talk to you when you can be respectful to me." You can point out that respect goes both ways.
She may act the way she does because she gets a reaction from you. Many people will stop misbehaving if they are basically ignored when they act rude or mean. If she acts nice toward you, then reward her with your company.
Learning to detach from other people's controlling behavior (and that's what she's doing here) can be very difficult. But we are not in charge of how other people act - just our reaction to their behavior. By changing your reaction, you may be able to at least limit her outbreaks. It may sound unfair, but I'm not sure how else you can accomplish what you want to do. Good luck,
Carol see more
She may act the way she does because she gets a reaction from you. Many people will stop misbehaving if they are basically ignored when they act rude or mean. If she acts nice toward you, then reward her with your company.
Learning to detach from other people's controlling behavior (and that's what she's doing here) can be very difficult. But we are not in charge of how other people act - just our reaction to their behavior. By changing your reaction, you may be able to at least limit her outbreaks. It may sound unfair, but I'm not sure how else you can accomplish what you want to do. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My mom has dementia. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Is this normal?
Bathing twice a week is somewhat of a miracle for someone with dementia. She may be suffering from depression, which could contribute to... Bathing twice a week is somewhat of a miracle for someone with dementia. She may be suffering from depression, which could contribute to her not wanting to do anything, so you may want to check with the doctor to see if he or she thinks an antidepressant could help.
However, as OctoberOhio5 said, keeping her safe and reasonably is saying something important. You are doing fine. You may want to look for support by checking your state website and looking for their version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. You state may use a slightly different name, but every state has a version of this program. They can offer a lot of help. If your community has an Area Agency on Aging, they are very helpful, as well. You can check the national website at www.n4a.org. Type in your Zip code to see who represents you.
Please keep watching this forum. You'll learn many helpful things and also realize that you aren't alone. That can be one of the most important lessons of all.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
However, as OctoberOhio5 said, keeping her safe and reasonably is saying something important. You are doing fine. You may want to look for support by checking your state website and looking for their version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. You state may use a slightly different name, but every state has a version of this program. They can offer a lot of help. If your community has an Area Agency on Aging, they are very helpful, as well. You can check the national website at www.n4a.org. Type in your Zip code to see who represents you.
Please keep watching this forum. You'll learn many helpful things and also realize that you aren't alone. That can be one of the most important lessons of all.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
I need info about caring for my disabled older brother. Do I have to become his POA or legal guardian, or is b...
You will need a Power Of Attorney for health care (a health directive) in order to make health decisions for him. You'll also need one... You will need a Power Of Attorney for health care (a health directive) in order to make health decisions for him. You'll also need one for financial issues. It's important to get these done as soon as possible.
As far a free programs, every community is different. Since your brother is on disability, he's likely on Medicaid. There may be some subsidized programs for him. Check with social services. Also, try your state website. If you type in the name of your state and "aging services" you should get your state's version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. The name may be slightly different, but keep looking under words such as "agency on aging" along with your state name. With some research, you should be able to find many links to aging services in your community. Try each one, mentioning your brother's status.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
As far a free programs, every community is different. Since your brother is on disability, he's likely on Medicaid. There may be some subsidized programs for him. Check with social services. Also, try your state website. If you type in the name of your state and "aging services" you should get your state's version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program. The name may be slightly different, but keep looking under words such as "agency on aging" along with your state name. With some research, you should be able to find many links to aging services in your community. Try each one, mentioning your brother's status.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
How bad and for how long will be the effect of general anesthesia on 78 years old patient (my mom)?
There's no way to tell. I'd talk with the doctor ahead of time. Some research indicates that some anesthetics can cause someone to... There's no way to tell. I'd talk with the doctor ahead of time. Some research indicates that some anesthetics can cause someone to tip over the edge into dementia. Other research doesn't find that true. At any rate, anesthesia can have risks for anyone, and age is a factor. Please talk with the doctor and ask any questions that you may have. My personal feelings are that if the surgery is elective, I wouldn't do it. Your mother should be told of the pros and cons as well.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What is the difference between elder law and family law?
Elder Law attorneys are more likely to know the ins and out of Medicare/Medicaid and may be better suited for you because of your... Elder Law attorneys are more likely to know the ins and out of Medicare/Medicaid and may be better suited for you because of your husband's Alzheimer's. I'm not saying a family law attorney couldn't help you - this is, after all, a family situation. If were you, I'd ask for some references or ask friends if they have a recommendation.
Ask the attorney up front how much they know about dementia and what the state laws are affecting situations like yours. You may want to ask for a consultation with more than one attorney. Many will do the first consultation free. Ask him or her if such a case has been handled by their firm.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Ask the attorney up front how much they know about dementia and what the state laws are affecting situations like yours. You may want to ask for a consultation with more than one attorney. Many will do the first consultation free. Ask him or her if such a case has been handled by their firm.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do we tell mom who has dementia that it's time to sell her/our family home?
Telling her about selling the family home may be nearly as traumatic as telling about the death of a family member. She's likely to... Telling her about selling the family home may be nearly as traumatic as telling about the death of a family member. She's likely to consider this a huge loss. However, she will likely what you told her very quickly. She will still ask to go home.
Some people would feel okay with selling the home and just not telling her, but I gather that you’d feel guilty for not being honest. So, my suggestion would be, for the sake of honesty, bite the bullet and tell her one time that the home must be sold, and that the money from the sale will be there for her comfort and care. Be sympathetic with her grief, but remind her that life changes.
Then, move on. If she continues to want to go home, particularly when sundowning, try to distract her, but I wouldn't keep telling her that the home has been sold. Here's my reasoning. Your mother will be put through the grief of the loss as though it's fresh each time you tell her the story. She won't likely have stored the memory of the last time you told her. To me, there's no point in putting our loved ones' through this repeatedly.
Telling her once is fine. Then you have been honest and shared this important fact. After that, you - and she - will likely be better off avoiding the issue. One thing to remember is that when she is sundowning and wanting to "go home," she may actually want to go to her childhood home. She may be beyond remembering her adult home. She needs comforting. She needs to feel safe as she would at "home." But the building itself really isn't the issue.
No matter what you do, her wanting to go home will be heartbreaking. This is a very common issue with Alzheimer’s. You can’t possibly provide whatever she really wants other than comfort, so leave the guilt behind and use distraction and re-direction techniques when possible. If they don’t work, hold her, tell her you understand her distress but that her last home is in the past and her current home is in the present. Get her through it the best you can and move forward.
This is painful, I know. Dementia is painful to witness when we would do anything to help or loved one but we are powerless to do so. My condolences.
Carol see more
Some people would feel okay with selling the home and just not telling her, but I gather that you’d feel guilty for not being honest. So, my suggestion would be, for the sake of honesty, bite the bullet and tell her one time that the home must be sold, and that the money from the sale will be there for her comfort and care. Be sympathetic with her grief, but remind her that life changes.
Then, move on. If she continues to want to go home, particularly when sundowning, try to distract her, but I wouldn't keep telling her that the home has been sold. Here's my reasoning. Your mother will be put through the grief of the loss as though it's fresh each time you tell her the story. She won't likely have stored the memory of the last time you told her. To me, there's no point in putting our loved ones' through this repeatedly.
Telling her once is fine. Then you have been honest and shared this important fact. After that, you - and she - will likely be better off avoiding the issue. One thing to remember is that when she is sundowning and wanting to "go home," she may actually want to go to her childhood home. She may be beyond remembering her adult home. She needs comforting. She needs to feel safe as she would at "home." But the building itself really isn't the issue.
No matter what you do, her wanting to go home will be heartbreaking. This is a very common issue with Alzheimer’s. You can’t possibly provide whatever she really wants other than comfort, so leave the guilt behind and use distraction and re-direction techniques when possible. If they don’t work, hold her, tell her you understand her distress but that her last home is in the past and her current home is in the present. Get her through it the best you can and move forward.
This is painful, I know. Dementia is painful to witness when we would do anything to help or loved one but we are powerless to do so. My condolences.
Carol see more
Question
Are there any programs available for respite care that do not charge $20 per hour?
You need a break for your own sake. Try calling one of the social service offices in your community. Some of them have a few free respite... You need a break for your own sake. Try calling one of the social service offices in your community. Some of them have a few free respite hours. If you have an RSVP office (Retired Senior Volunteer Program) in your community, they often offer Senior Companions who would sit with someone like your father. Try your church, as well. They may have volunteers. Good luck. I hope you find some help.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Moving Mom?
Your sister has a valid point in that another move may be hard on your mom. Yet, you also have a point in that your mom has fewer and fewer... Your sister has a valid point in that another move may be hard on your mom. Yet, you also have a point in that your mom has fewer and fewer people visiting her where she is and you may provide more attention.
No solution is going to be easy. I certainly wouldn't say you were selfish, but I do think that there's a risk in moving her. In the end, you need to talk it through with your family, maybe talk to the social worker at the ALF as well, and then decide. Everyone is different, so there's no right or wrong answer.
I wish I could just say yes or no, but I can't. It's a tough situation with consequences either way. Take time to decide, then stand by your decision unless something drastic changes you mind. Good luck,
Carol see more
No solution is going to be easy. I certainly wouldn't say you were selfish, but I do think that there's a risk in moving her. In the end, you need to talk it through with your family, maybe talk to the social worker at the ALF as well, and then decide. Everyone is different, so there's no right or wrong answer.
I wish I could just say yes or no, but I can't. It's a tough situation with consequences either way. Take time to decide, then stand by your decision unless something drastic changes you mind. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is there a device like Life Alert that you can program to call a designated number when the victom presses the...
The reason most of these systems call a contact person first is to cut down on false 9-1-1 calls. If she presses the button and you... The reason most of these systems call a contact person first is to cut down on false 9-1-1 calls. If she presses the button and you don't answer, then they will call 9-1-1. You could put monitors and/or cameras around her home. Then you or a company would monitor her movements, but you'd still get a call.
I don't know of anything that would just call you, but there may be something out there. You'd still likely have to pay for the service, however. Any way you look at it, having these devices can be very helpful.
Take care,
Carol see more
I don't know of anything that would just call you, but there may be something out there. You'd still likely have to pay for the service, however. Any way you look at it, having these devices can be very helpful.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I have a patient that is new to my community, and I am wondering if his meds are making him more difficult to...
He needs to see a doctor. It's definitely possible that his medications are contributing to his distress. His move may have... He needs to see a doctor. It's definitely possible that his medications are contributing to his distress. His move may have contributed, as well. However, he has dementia and needs to be established with a doctor anyway. I hope you can help him.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Should I feel guilty?
No, you shouldn't feel guilty. You are human and you should be able to do these things. You need to look into respite care through your... No, you shouldn't feel guilty. You are human and you should be able to do these things. You need to look into respite care through your local social services or through an In-home health care agency. It will cost some money but save your sanity. These are precious moments with your grandchildren. Please don't let them slip by. You might want to go onto your state website and search under "aging". You should find your state's version of the Nation Family Caregiver Support Program. They could be a big help to you.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Any suggestions on how to cope with a mother who makes constant verbal sounds?
Making the sounds must comfort her in some way (though I can see why it's anything but comforting to you!). Aside from learning to... Making the sounds must comfort her in some way (though I can see why it's anything but comforting to you!). Aside from learning to ignore the sounds, all I can suggest is that you call the doctor and see if he or she have an idea. Generally, a diversion of some kind will help, but if she just goes back to making the sound, you'll need more help. If you find something that works, please let us know. You aren't the only one coping with this.
Best,
Carol see more
Best,
Carol see more
Question
Is there a web site where I can see the last state inspection of a nursing home?
Nursing Home Compare is the Medicare site at http://www.medicare.gov/NursingHomeCompare - you can try that. Otherwise try the county... Nursing Home Compare is the Medicare site at http://www.medicare.gov/NursingHomeCompare - you can try that. Otherwise try the county website where the home is located. You can also find the ombudsman for the nursing home on www.ltcombudsman.org. Just type in the Zip code of the nursing home. This person can guide you if you have trouble finding the right results.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does Hospice offer full time day care for palliative in home assistance?
Hospice can only help if your father-in-law's condition is considered terminal within six months. If that's the case, they would... Hospice can only help if your father-in-law's condition is considered terminal within six months. If that's the case, they would work with whatever living situation he is in. If he's at home, they would work with the in-home caregivers. If he's in assisted living or a nursing home, then they would work along with the caregivers there.
If he's not considered terminal, then you'll have to look elsewhere for help. Generally, you can hire an in-home care agency to help fill-in if he goes to assisted living, though it sounds like he may be ready for a nursing home.
Good luck. You have a challenging situation.
Carol see more
If he's not considered terminal, then you'll have to look elsewhere for help. Generally, you can hire an in-home care agency to help fill-in if he goes to assisted living, though it sounds like he may be ready for a nursing home.
Good luck. You have a challenging situation.
Carol see more
Question
Lucid or not? Do you find it better or worse when a loved one understands?
You are right - sometimes you're between the proverbial rock and a hard place. When the lucid moments make our parent sad and they just... You are right - sometimes you're between the proverbial rock and a hard place. When the lucid moments make our parent sad and they just want to die (my mother used to say, "Can't you just give me a little black pill?"), that's horribly upsetting for us. Yet, when the caregiver is being ranted at for things that aren't true, that's awful as well. I don' t know that there's an answer to your question, so I'd avoid comparing the two. They are both tough.
When you mother wants you to "shoot her", try saying, "I'm so sorry you have to suffer so much. You know I can't do that, but I'll do everything I can to make you more comfortable." If there's something concrete you can offer to do, such as tell her you'll check with the doctor about a different medication, you can offer to do that. Otherwise, just tell her you love her and that you'll do everything you can for her.
When she's accusing you, do your best not to contradict or argue. That's tough when she thinks you've taken something. Maybe you could say, "Let's look for it together." I know - likely that won't work, but it's worth a try. attempt to control your body language and obvious frustration, since that will only make the situation worse. If you can find any secret humor in the scenario, that will help you weather the storm. Detaching from the reality and not taking the insults personally takes practice, but it can help.
I wish there was a magic pill for all of these issues, but sadly there isn't much we can do but weather them. Agree when you can, distract when you can, redirect when you can. And try to remember this isn't about you or her. It's the disease.
Take care, my friend. You have a lot of company on this site.
Carol see more
When you mother wants you to "shoot her", try saying, "I'm so sorry you have to suffer so much. You know I can't do that, but I'll do everything I can to make you more comfortable." If there's something concrete you can offer to do, such as tell her you'll check with the doctor about a different medication, you can offer to do that. Otherwise, just tell her you love her and that you'll do everything you can for her.
When she's accusing you, do your best not to contradict or argue. That's tough when she thinks you've taken something. Maybe you could say, "Let's look for it together." I know - likely that won't work, but it's worth a try. attempt to control your body language and obvious frustration, since that will only make the situation worse. If you can find any secret humor in the scenario, that will help you weather the storm. Detaching from the reality and not taking the insults personally takes practice, but it can help.
I wish there was a magic pill for all of these issues, but sadly there isn't much we can do but weather them. Agree when you can, distract when you can, redirect when you can. And try to remember this isn't about you or her. It's the disease.
Take care, my friend. You have a lot of company on this site.
Carol see more
Question
How Do You Check on Eligibility for Medicaid and find Medicaid Beds?
It sounds to me that she would qualify for Medicaid. Check with your local social services. They would likely handle the Medicaid... It sounds to me that she would qualify for Medicaid. Check with your local social services. They would likely handle the Medicaid qualification process. You may have to put her on a waiting list for a Medicaid bed. One thing - since you are already paying for her care, you'll have a better chance at getting her into a home that also has Medicaid if you start off private pay. So, you could find a good home and talk to them. Tell them you are working on the Medicaid qualification, but that always takes time. Tell them you will cover the cost with private pay for now. Even a few months of private pay can make it easier to get a Medicaid bed. Most homes don't have a separate room for Medicaid clients, except that the rooms aren't usually private rooms, so she likely wouldn't even have to change beds. Good luck. I hope you find a nice nursing home and that the Medicaid process doesn't take too long.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
If my mom threw herself a 90th birthday party with her money, and than ends up going on medicare in three year...
Not likely unless it's a very, very large party! (I'm assuming you mean Medicaid, right? With Medicare, it doesn't matter).... Not likely unless it's a very, very large party! (I'm assuming you mean Medicaid, right? With Medicare, it doesn't matter). She's allowed to spend her money, but she can't hide or give away large sums if she's trying to qualify for Medicaid. By the way, the look back period now is five years, so there may be other splurges she's had. She may want to keep the receipts, just to be sure. If you are thinking of a large sum, you may want to check with local Medicaid officials. You all want to relax about it. Happy birthday to your Mom! Carol see more
Moving mother to apartment near us. Any advice on how to make the situation better/safer for mother and/or her...
You've thought this all our carefully, but in the end, only you can decide. You'll have to guard against the issues you've brought up. That doesn't mean the move can't happen, but you may need to hire more in-home care to help her as she settles in. Then you can monitor her as she progresses. There are rarely right or wrong answers, so we are frequently left guessing - and hoping we are doing okay. Think through your concerns and try to stay ahead of the problems.
Good luck,
Carol see more