Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My husband and I want to build an in-law suite in my home. What are the future financial ramifications to my p...
You are doing the right thing to consult an elder law attorney about the financial aspects of this move. Please consider carefully the fact... You are doing the right thing to consult an elder law attorney about the financial aspects of this move. Please consider carefully the fact that it's likely you need to hire respite caregivers in the form on in-home care since the time is apt to come when you will want a vacation, or just some nights out. Also address the aspect of privacy for your parents and you.
When it comes to the financial part, just make sure the attorney knows Medicare laws well. Your parents have sufficient assets that they aren't likely to need this care, but you still want to know how it would all be handled if they needed years of paid care that you can't now imagine. Cover all bases.
Good luck,
Carol see more
When it comes to the financial part, just make sure the attorney knows Medicare laws well. Your parents have sufficient assets that they aren't likely to need this care, but you still want to know how it would all be handled if they needed years of paid care that you can't now imagine. Cover all bases.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I cannot afford Assisted Living. How do women like me manage when we need help?
Hi Snowball, You are not alone in being worried. There are many people like you who just don't know where to turn. Frankly, we need... Hi Snowball,
You are not alone in being worried. There are many people like you who just don't know where to turn. Frankly, we need many more services for our wonderful elders who have given us so much. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your county Social Services.
I hope you will apply for Medicaid through Social Services. From what you say, you should qualify. Each state is a little different, but Medicaid is there to help low income people like you. Not all assisted living facilities accept Medicaid, but it would be a place to start. If you have children or a friend you trust, you may want to ask their help, since the application process involves a lot of paperwork. In the end, it will be worth it for you to try.
You can also see if you have a local Area Agency on Aging that covers your community. They may be able to help guide you.
Take care,
Carol see more
You are not alone in being worried. There are many people like you who just don't know where to turn. Frankly, we need many more services for our wonderful elders who have given us so much. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your county Social Services.
I hope you will apply for Medicaid through Social Services. From what you say, you should qualify. Each state is a little different, but Medicaid is there to help low income people like you. Not all assisted living facilities accept Medicaid, but it would be a place to start. If you have children or a friend you trust, you may want to ask their help, since the application process involves a lot of paperwork. In the end, it will be worth it for you to try.
You can also see if you have a local Area Agency on Aging that covers your community. They may be able to help guide you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is there anything I can do about my daughter and her husband getting money from my elderly father?
You could try to find a friend or member of the clergy that your father trusts and see if that person can get through to him. Maybe... You could try to find a friend or member of the clergy that your father trusts and see if that person can get through to him. Maybe someone can get him to set up a trust in your brother's name.
Other than that, there isn't likely anything you can do unless you are willing to get a lawyer and take legal action. That will be expensive and will obviously damage your relationship with your daughter, but it could be your only choice.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Other than that, there isn't likely anything you can do unless you are willing to get a lawyer and take legal action. That will be expensive and will obviously damage your relationship with your daughter, but it could be your only choice.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Would there be some type
We would need more information to answer your question, but if it's about health try your state department of health. Good luck,... We would need more information to answer your question, but if it's about health try your state department of health.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What can be done about the 20 day rehab being paid to the wrong Nursing Home?
I'd contact the ombudsman for the nursing home. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the nursing home's Zip code. That person may be... I'd contact the ombudsman for the nursing home. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the nursing home's Zip code. That person may be able to help you straighten out this mess. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My mother-in-law wants to buy a car & would like to put both her and her daughter on the title. Will this be c...
It could be a problem. I'd check with your state laws. Social Services should be able to tell you. Each state has slightly different... It could be a problem. I'd check with your state laws. Social Services should be able to tell you. Each state has slightly different takes on the Federal program.
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Carol see more
Question
Do I have any legal options to remove my nephew?
You'd have to see an elder law attorney. If you can prove abuse is taking place, I'm sure you can take action, but you'll need... You'd have to see an elder law attorney. If you can prove abuse is taking place, I'm sure you can take action, but you'll need legal help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What is considered a caregiver?
It's different for everyone, but generally we are someone's caregiver if they need assistance with daily living and we provide at... It's different for everyone, but generally we are someone's caregiver if they need assistance with daily living and we provide at least some of that assistance. We are generally someone the care receiver trusts and can depend upon. There are people who are considered a "primary caregiver" (providing significant care) and also those who provide backup or occasional care.
Of course, there are professional caregivers such as CNAs in nursing homes.
Carol see more
Of course, there are professional caregivers such as CNAs in nursing homes.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone ever had a 94 year-old relative have cataract surgery?
I'd talk with her primary doctor. Since they don't use a general anesthetic for cataract surgery, it should be okay if she's... I'd talk with her primary doctor. Since they don't use a general anesthetic for cataract surgery, it should be okay if she's healthy. There are always risks, but there are risks to not having the cataracts removed, as well. She could become too depressed to enjoy her life because of her increasing vision problems. Also, as our senses (hearing, sight, etc.) diminish, our brain receives less stimulation. That can lead to cognitive issues. If this were me, if my primary physician and opthomologist agree to go ahead, I'd do it. But then I can't imagine not being able to read.
Good luck to her on this. I'd love to have you check back and let us know what she decides.
Carol see more
Good luck to her on this. I'd love to have you check back and let us know what she decides.
Carol see more
Question
How do I get VA payment for caring for husband at home?
Likely you can get help from the VA, but it's seldom a quick process. Find our your local veteran's representative by calling the... Likely you can get help from the VA, but it's seldom a quick process. Find our your local veteran's representative by calling the nearest VA office. Talk to this person to see if there is a way that your case can be expedited. SS disability can take years to get in place, so I hope that you can get better service from the VA. Call your local social services or Area Agency on Aging to see if there is a way you can get respite care. Also, on your state website, you should be able to find the Nation Family Caregiver Support Program. They may be able to give you some assistance. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone's doctor ever recommended surgery but you say you can't because you have to take care of your relat...
Yes. This does happen. Caregivers often put off their own health care because they don't see any way they can take the time away from... Yes. This does happen. Caregivers often put off their own health care because they don't see any way they can take the time away from their care receiver. Please find some way to have the needed surgery, whether it means putting your loved one in a care facility temporarily or finding family and friends to fill in for you. Aside from the fact that you owe it to yourself to do this, you also must remember that if you don't take care of yourself, you may not be around to take care of the person you are helping. This is a time that self-care benefits you and your care receiver. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I can’t lift my mother. Sahe has become limp and just trying to change her has become difficult.
I would definitely get some help. Hospice may even have a volunteer who is strong and can help, but it will depend on what the volunteer... I would definitely get some help. Hospice may even have a volunteer who is strong and can help, but it will depend on what the volunteer can legally do, I imagine.
Your mom wouldn't want you to injure yourself caring for her, and if you do get injured, you won't be able to care for her at all. It's possible to avoid injury that you may have to move her to a nursing home or a hospice home if your community has one. What you are doing takes a strong back and you do need to get some sleep. I hope you will get some help at the very least.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your mom wouldn't want you to injure yourself caring for her, and if you do get injured, you won't be able to care for her at all. It's possible to avoid injury that you may have to move her to a nursing home or a hospice home if your community has one. What you are doing takes a strong back and you do need to get some sleep. I hope you will get some help at the very least.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Father has dementia he thinks I am his wife and should be intimate with him.
I'm so sorry. If it's any comfort, this is very common. As you say, he can't tell the difference between you and his late wife.... I'm so sorry. If it's any comfort, this is very common. As you say, he can't tell the difference between you and his late wife. In his mind he is likely quite young, and you may look somewhat like your mother at a younger age, so it's even more confusing for him than for some men.
Many men with AD get sexually aggressive with female caregivers. But, as you say, it's feels even creepier when it's your dad.
Please try to understand that he can't help it. You may want to talk to his doctor. Occasionally, they give medication to handle this, but there are side effects. At least check, though. There may be something the doctor can do to make your life a bit easier. Good luck,
Carol see more
Many men with AD get sexually aggressive with female caregivers. But, as you say, it's feels even creepier when it's your dad.
Please try to understand that he can't help it. You may want to talk to his doctor. Occasionally, they give medication to handle this, but there are side effects. At least check, though. There may be something the doctor can do to make your life a bit easier. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My 89-year-old mom in hospice at home with me since spring, has dementia and COPD. Can hospice "dump" her if s...
I've never heard of that. If she actually improves, the insurance may insist that she go off of hospice until she declines again. But... I've never heard of that. If she actually improves, the insurance may insist that she go off of hospice until she declines again. But the time lines on Hospice are a guide. No one, including doctors, can be totally accurate in estimating the pace of decline. If you are worried, talk to the doctor. It just sounds as though hospice is doing a good job.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Diarrhea2 times a day, not eating, minimal fluid intake. When do I transport to hospital?
Do you have an "Ask a nurse" line in your community. Many community hospitals have one. You should get some specific advice on... Do you have an "Ask a nurse" line in your community. Many community hospitals have one. You should get some specific advice on this, as dehydration can be dangerous. It's possible that you may have to take the person in to the emergency room.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My mom and dad are close to getting an apartment in senior housing. Dad has dementia. Is it wise to have them...
It's going to be hard on him to move, but it may be necessary for your mom. Taking care of their house will be hard for her, and the... It's going to be hard on him to move, but it may be necessary for your mom. Taking care of their house will be hard for her, and the steps will eventually become impossible for him. Wherever she lives with him, she is likely to need help. It would seem that the move now is better than waiting unless he is at the point where he needs a nursing home.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Why do old men take liberties with young female aides, and then vigorously deny when confronted?
This is very common behavior and most aides are trained to deal with it. As the cognitive ability of their brains deteriorate, their... This is very common behavior and most aides are trained to deal with it. As the cognitive ability of their brains deteriorate, their inhibitions also decline. They may forget that certain behavior is inappropriate or they may mistake the woman for their wife. They may be cognitively in their 20s or younger and just "grab" without restraint.
When short-term memory is damaged they likely don't remember doing what they are confronted with, or they may not understand what they did wrong. It's unfortunate when this is an issue, but their hormones are still working while their brains are damaged.
I've heard from very hurt family members who have had these problems. One man had been very close to his daughter-in-law (appropriately). After dementia, he was behaving inappropriately to her which was, of course, very hard to handle. The family knows this behavior is the disease, but that doesn't take away the problem.
The best you can do is talk with the aides. They may be able to reassure you that what is happening is not unusual and that they are trained to handle it.
Take care,
Carol see more
When short-term memory is damaged they likely don't remember doing what they are confronted with, or they may not understand what they did wrong. It's unfortunate when this is an issue, but their hormones are still working while their brains are damaged.
I've heard from very hurt family members who have had these problems. One man had been very close to his daughter-in-law (appropriately). After dementia, he was behaving inappropriately to her which was, of course, very hard to handle. The family knows this behavior is the disease, but that doesn't take away the problem.
The best you can do is talk with the aides. They may be able to reassure you that what is happening is not unusual and that they are trained to handle it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
The only life I know is being a caregiver. How do I find myself & my personal identity again?
Hi Jasmine, Many people, once caregiving ends (or declines in intensity), experience what you are going through. Friends have gone on with... Hi Jasmine, Many people, once caregiving ends (or declines in intensity), experience what you are going through. Friends have gone on with their own lives. Organizations we once belonged to have moved on. It takes time and courage to re-enter society after the isolation of caregiving.
Sometimes it takes counseling, as well, to help us find out who we are because we get so lost in the caregiver identity. I'd really suggest that you look at some counseling. It likely wouldn't take you more than a few sessions to help you back on track.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Sometimes it takes counseling, as well, to help us find out who we are because we get so lost in the caregiver identity. I'd really suggest that you look at some counseling. It likely wouldn't take you more than a few sessions to help you back on track.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My mother's Medicaid coverage ended, I don't understand why..
Unfortunately, states change their Medicaid programs frequently. However, they also make mistakes. I'd call her social worker... Unfortunately, states change their Medicaid programs frequently. However, they also make mistakes. I'd call her social worker immediately and ask for an explanation that you can understand. Unless they changed the the rules (which is possible), they may have made an error. Let's hope that is the case.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Can a 93-year-old lady recover from Dementia "outbursts?"
Good luck,
Carol see more