Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Mom is moving to a board and care. We were told not to visit or call for 3 days, so she can adjust. What do yo...
I wouldn't have liked this, but I've heard from some people that it works. I think a lot depends on the cognitive abilities of the... I wouldn't have liked this, but I've heard from some people that it works. I think a lot depends on the cognitive abilities of the elder. My instincts tell me that elders need family to help them transition. There are times, however, when it's best to let professionals handle it. I'm not sure what to tell you here. How well do you know this home? Do you know other people who have had loved ones there? If it comes highly recommended from people you trust, I would probably listen to them. If you know nothing about them, I'd be a little more insistent that family was needed for the transition. Go with your gut, I guess. Maybe you can compromise. This is a hard step to take. My heart is with you.
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I live in PA and on Medicare, still paying on home mortgage but cannot take care of myself anymore. Can I rent...
Medicare isn't income dependent so you should be able to do whatever you want to do. Medicaid is different. But Medicare is simply your... Medicare isn't income dependent so you should be able to do whatever you want to do. Medicaid is different. But Medicare is simply your health insurance, so go for whatever works best for you.
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Question
Is there any federal program that allows relatives to receive payment for caregiving a parent?
If your mother is on Medicaid you may qualify for a few hours. Also, if your state has Cash and Counseling you may qualify for some help.... If your mother is on Medicaid you may qualify for a few hours. Also, if your state has Cash and Counseling you may qualify for some help. Otherwise, it's not likely. Try going to your state website and clicking on their link to The National Family Caregiver Support Program (it may have slightly different name). They are good about helping people connect with local services. You won't be able to replace a full-time job income by any means, but depending on where you live and your mother's financial situation, you may qualify for a few hours, anyway. Good luck,
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Question
Has anyone neglected their own health due to helping aging parents?
Hi Whitney, Your note really took me back. With multiple elders to care for, sometimes I felt like I lived in doctor's offices. I... Hi Whitney,
Your note really took me back. With multiple elders to care for, sometimes I felt like I lived in doctor's offices. I couldn't stand the thought of going myself. I skipped mammograms, among other things. That's really bad and I caution people about this. I hope to let people know that upward of 30% of caregivers die before their care recipient. That isn't just elderly caregivers. It's younger women who don't get breast cancer diagnosed in early stages, or colon cancer or other health issues.
I know firsthand how hard it is to follow up on your own health, but please make you health a priority. It could save your life.
Do know, however, that many of us understand. We have been where you are (many still are in your shoes). It's very difficult.
Take care of yourself, please,
Carol see more
Your note really took me back. With multiple elders to care for, sometimes I felt like I lived in doctor's offices. I couldn't stand the thought of going myself. I skipped mammograms, among other things. That's really bad and I caution people about this. I hope to let people know that upward of 30% of caregivers die before their care recipient. That isn't just elderly caregivers. It's younger women who don't get breast cancer diagnosed in early stages, or colon cancer or other health issues.
I know firsthand how hard it is to follow up on your own health, but please make you health a priority. It could save your life.
Do know, however, that many of us understand. We have been where you are (many still are in your shoes). It's very difficult.
Take care of yourself, please,
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Question
Is it unethical to suggest becoming a residents private aid?
I'm sure that a person in AL can have a privately paid aide. That shouldn't be a problem. You might want to check your contract... I'm sure that a person in AL can have a privately paid aide. That shouldn't be a problem. You might want to check your contract with the AL and see if it prohibits what you'd like to do. If not, and if you are going to leave the facility anyway, and the woman needs paid help, as long as you don't encourage her to leave the facility, I don't see an ethics problem. If you encourage her to leave the facility, that could be more problematic. Good luck. You may find this works out well, since the other people at the AL find this woman difficult, so everyone wins.
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Question
Is there a program in Upstate, NY to get a veteran a free bed?
You are so wonderful to care. Please contact the local Veteran's representative for his area and ask for help. There are also programs... You are so wonderful to care. Please contact the local Veteran's representative for his area and ask for help.
There are also programs for recycled medical equipment. In my area it's call Project Hero. Type "medical supplies" "recycling" and his city or Zip code into your search engine. Most areas have a program where people donate new or gently used medical equipment. You may be able to find him a bed there for very little money, especially if you explain the need. Good luck,
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There are also programs for recycled medical equipment. In my area it's call Project Hero. Type "medical supplies" "recycling" and his city or Zip code into your search engine. Most areas have a program where people donate new or gently used medical equipment. You may be able to find him a bed there for very little money, especially if you explain the need. Good luck,
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Question
Is prolonged nasal drip in elderly with sudden episodes of memory loss related?
This could be an allergy, but it could be related to dementia. There are some studies going on about vascular dementia and nasal dripping.... This could be an allergy, but it could be related to dementia. There are some studies going on about vascular dementia and nasal dripping. Since she has episodes of memory loss, she should be evaluated for dementia. When she has this evaluation, please make a point of the nasal dripping. The physician may or may not think they are related, but it never hurts to give information.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How can I help and deal with my mother who is hearing things that aren't there or happening?
I'm so sorry. This may be dementia but you are right, there could be another genetic mental illness involved. Whatever it is, only a... I'm so sorry. This may be dementia but you are right, there could be another genetic mental illness involved. Whatever it is, only a doctor can help. Does she refuse to go to a doctor for any reason at all? Sometimes, people can get someone to a doctor for a regular checkup or to to get a prescription renewed, and then write the doctor ahead of time about the other symptoms so the doctor is informed.. Once in the physician's office, there is a better chance of getting help.
I would call her doctor and ask what can be done to get her to a point where she can be helped. It would be sad to forcibly hospitalize her, but her life is pretty awful the way it is. Maybe the doctor will be able to present you with local options where you can get her help even though she fights it. My heart goes out to you and the rest of the family. These situations are awful.
Good luck,
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I would call her doctor and ask what can be done to get her to a point where she can be helped. It would be sad to forcibly hospitalize her, but her life is pretty awful the way it is. Maybe the doctor will be able to present you with local options where you can get her help even though she fights it. My heart goes out to you and the rest of the family. These situations are awful.
Good luck,
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Question
Why is the pain of mom's death worse now after 3 months?
Yes, it's normal. I got hit really hard after two years! The emotions of the last months (years?) of caregiving and decline were still... Yes, it's normal. I got hit really hard after two years! The emotions of the last months (years?) of caregiving and decline were still with you strongly when your mom died. It was easier to accept that she no longer suffered. Now, you are remembering all of the things you have lost through time. The reality of being an orphan is hitting you, as well. These things take time to sink in.
If you find that you can't get over this grief fairly quickly, you may want to see a counselor just to talk it all through. Again - this is perfectly normal. I think maybe more so for caregivers.
Please do take care of yourself,
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If you find that you can't get over this grief fairly quickly, you may want to see a counselor just to talk it all through. Again - this is perfectly normal. I think maybe more so for caregivers.
Please do take care of yourself,
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Question
Can I get outside help with my MIL's care for free if she has Medicare, not Medicaid while I'm recuperating fr...
Medicare doesn't generally pay for the kind of care your mother-in-law needs, however some states have waivers so you may want to check... Medicare doesn't generally pay for the kind of care your mother-in-law needs, however some states have waivers so you may want to check your state website. Also, check with your local Area Agency on Aging and see if they have advice, or look on your state website under the National Family Caregiver Support Program. Good luck,
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Question
My 81 year-old mother has Parkinson's. My 80 year-old father is her caregiver. Where can we turn for help?
Hospice can help if your mother has been declared terminal within six months. I'm not sure she would qualify, but you could talk to her... Hospice can help if your mother has been declared terminal within six months. I'm not sure she would qualify, but you could talk to her doctor about it.
It does sound like your mom needs nursing care and your dad needs rest. He will fight putting her in a nursing home, but that may be the only option. You can tell him that if she has professional care, she will be safe and he can then be her husband, visiting her and caring for her, but not having full responsibility. Let him know that he could die first if he keeps this up and then where would your mother be?
Please talk with your mother's doctor about options before your dad (the caregiver) dies. It happens all too often.
Take care,
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It does sound like your mom needs nursing care and your dad needs rest. He will fight putting her in a nursing home, but that may be the only option. You can tell him that if she has professional care, she will be safe and he can then be her husband, visiting her and caring for her, but not having full responsibility. Let him know that he could die first if he keeps this up and then where would your mother be?
Please talk with your mother's doctor about options before your dad (the caregiver) dies. It happens all too often.
Take care,
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Question
Does anyone know any resources for leg amputee, handicapped, and disabled?
I'd go to the NY state official website and type in "disabilities" and related search words. You should find local resources... I'd go to the NY state official website and type in "disabilities" and related search words. You should find local resources to help your friend through such a search.
Also, the local housing authority should have information on specific housing.
Thanks for helping your friend,
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Also, the local housing authority should have information on specific housing.
Thanks for helping your friend,
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Question
How come the person with dementia believes he lives somewhere else?
Your husband likely remembers home as being the home you had when you were first married, or his childhood home, depending on what stage... Your husband likely remembers home as being the home you had when you were first married, or his childhood home, depending on what stage his dementia is in. His short-term memory is gone, and he is regressing farther and farther back into his history because that is what he remembers. He will more likely remember his children as youngsters and you as a young woman than how people are right now. That's the progression of the disease. As you know, it's very painful to witness this cognitive decline happening to your husband. Please try to keep up ongoing support and check with the Alzheimer's Association (www.alz.org) for many educational tips.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
I need to prepay for my mom funeral before I apply for Medicaid. Where should I take the funds from?
I'm not sure that it would matter in the end, but I'd use her savings. No matter where you take the money from, she won't... I'm not sure that it would matter in the end, but I'd use her savings. No matter where you take the money from, she won't qualify for Medicaid until her assets are spent down. This seems simplest to me, but you may want to talk with a Medicaid specialist.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How can I get my father to finalize his will and trust?
It seems denial is his defense. If he doesn't sign the documents he won't die - that's likely his thinking. This attitude is... It seems denial is his defense. If he doesn't sign the documents he won't die - that's likely his thinking. This attitude is very common and horribly frustrating as you know.
Does he have a friend in his age group that can tell him how terrible probate can be and explain that it's to his benefit if he designates a family member to be his health proxy if he can't make decisions? The way our system works, it's likely he'd be kept alive on machines until he's brain dead, unless he makes his wishes known in a legal document. Most people don't want this. Someone outside of the family may be able to get through to him. Often adult children just irritate the elder but a third party can help. If he doesn't have a close friend to do this, does he go to a church or synagogue?
Maybe the spiritual leader can help. How about his doctor? The only thing I can see is an outside party, because he'll just keep putting you off. I wish you luck. This is always hard.
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Does he have a friend in his age group that can tell him how terrible probate can be and explain that it's to his benefit if he designates a family member to be his health proxy if he can't make decisions? The way our system works, it's likely he'd be kept alive on machines until he's brain dead, unless he makes his wishes known in a legal document. Most people don't want this. Someone outside of the family may be able to get through to him. Often adult children just irritate the elder but a third party can help. If he doesn't have a close friend to do this, does he go to a church or synagogue?
Maybe the spiritual leader can help. How about his doctor? The only thing I can see is an outside party, because he'll just keep putting you off. I wish you luck. This is always hard.
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Question
Will Medicare pay for in home care?
In general, Medicare will only pay for some limited nursing visits, not what is called custodial care, which of course is most everything... In general, Medicare will only pay for some limited nursing visits, not what is called custodial care, which of course is most everything that isn't direct nursing. There are waivers in some states where you may get a little more out of Medicare, so you should check your state website and type in "Medicare waiver" and other search words to see what you come up with. Some states have "cash and counseling" that may give you some funding for care, so try that phrase in your search engine, as well. You can also check with local in-home care agencies because they will likely be up on what your state allows. But the general rule is that Medicare does not pay for in-home care except for some nursing care, generally for a time when someone leaves the hospital. I hope you live in one of the states that offers a bit more help.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What can you do about a husband with dementia who is in AL and plans to call an attorney to get what he wants?
I think a wise attorney will understand where this is coming from if he has background. I'd write the attorney a letter and give... I think a wise attorney will understand where this is coming from if he has background. I'd write the attorney a letter and give him/her the doctor's name, as well as all of the information given here. With a doctor backing you up, it will be obvious that your husband can no longer make these decisions and a reputable attorney will turn down the case. It's possible he hasn't been "out of town" but if hoping to avoid even talking with your husband because he already understands the issue. But being proactive won't hurt.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
My mother is 69-year-old and has Alzheimer's. What is the steps we need to take to control her money and help...
You need to get her to an attorney soon and have her assign someone to be her Power Of Attorney for financial purposes and also have a... You need to get her to an attorney soon and have her assign someone to be her Power Of Attorney for financial purposes and also have a health directive (often called a POA for health) drawn up. Talk with her about the kind of care she wants and have this written into the document under the living will section, but don't say "I'll never put you in a nursing home" or anything that will tie your hands. You don't know the future. But you do want to know what she'd prefer.
With POAs, you can have secondary people assigned, too. So maybe you or your sister would be first, and the other a secondary person to be POA if you aren't available. That way you can pay her bills and with the medical POA, you can take care of her medical appointments and make decisions.
Good luck. The sooner this is done the better, because if her AD gets too far along, then an attorney may feel that she can't make the decision to assign a POA.
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With POAs, you can have secondary people assigned, too. So maybe you or your sister would be first, and the other a secondary person to be POA if you aren't available. That way you can pay her bills and with the medical POA, you can take care of her medical appointments and make decisions.
Good luck. The sooner this is done the better, because if her AD gets too far along, then an attorney may feel that she can't make the decision to assign a POA.
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Question
Help! How do I get my father to calm down and not try to leave?
There are light-beam sensors for doors, as well as tracking devices for people like your dad, but the question is can you do this all... There are light-beam sensors for doors, as well as tracking devices for people like your dad, but the question is can you do this all alone? Not everyone with AD goes through this behavior, but it's very common and when it happens, it's very difficult for one at home caregiver to keep the person safe.
You may be coming to a point where caring for him at home won't work. That's why memory units are locked - this behavior is part of the disease. I hope you live in an area where there are wonderful memory units that are homey and inviting, with good hands-on care.
Also, of course, ask his doctor to try other medications. However, sometimes nothing short of drugging people with AD will stop this behavior, and you don't want to do that. So, even if you want to hang in with at home care for now, please start looking for options.
Good luck and take care,
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You may be coming to a point where caring for him at home won't work. That's why memory units are locked - this behavior is part of the disease. I hope you live in an area where there are wonderful memory units that are homey and inviting, with good hands-on care.
Also, of course, ask his doctor to try other medications. However, sometimes nothing short of drugging people with AD will stop this behavior, and you don't want to do that. So, even if you want to hang in with at home care for now, please start looking for options.
Good luck and take care,
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Eye glasses lost in nursing home after only 3 weeks. Who is responsible for replacing these missing items?
So, some homes are much better than others. But this one where you parents are may be substandard. Perhaps this is an unusual circumstance, but I'd ask to have a chat with the administrator. I would be just as mad as you are. Good luck,
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