Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
Why are there so many extra charges when it should be included in rent?
Exactly. Read your contract. I'm assuming this is assisted living, where fewer things are included in the initial payment. Nursing... Exactly. Read your contract. I'm assuming this is assisted living, where fewer things are included in the initial payment. Nursing homes still generally charge for haircuts. I do believe personal laundry is often extra, as well. Find out ahead of time so there are no shocks.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
I'm assuming your husband has dementia. He can't "reason" anymore. That's what makes it hard. There's really no... I'm assuming your husband has dementia. He can't "reason" anymore. That's what makes it hard. There's really no use trying to be logical. Distracting him and re-directing him to some other activity are about the only solutions. I know that isn't easy when he's determined. But that is the nature of the disease. Please try to remember that it's the disease, not your husband, who is being illogical. Arguing will do no good and may backfire by distressing him and making him more determined. It's time to get creative about distraction techniques. Try contacting your Alzheimer's Association for guidance.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is there a professional person or organization that can convince my parents that they need to move into Assist...
Being so scattered geographically does make the process more difficult. Is there any chance that your mother has a friend who lives in AL... Being so scattered geographically does make the process more difficult. Is there any chance that your mother has a friend who lives in AL and likes it? Would a pastor, priest or Rabbi be able to help? Could you talk to her doctor?
Moving companies that specialize in senior moves can be very helpful and compassionate, but she's got to let them in the door. Maybe you can just ask her to talk to a special organizational person who can help her get started? Moving is a dreadful ordeal for most of us, and for your exhausted mom, the whole idea of moving may be worse than the thought of living in AL. I'm just throwing out some ideas. Maybe others on the forum will have some suggestions. I know this is hard, but I hope you can convince her to move. Once she has some assistance, she may even like it. Good luck,
Carol see more
Moving companies that specialize in senior moves can be very helpful and compassionate, but she's got to let them in the door. Maybe you can just ask her to talk to a special organizational person who can help her get started? Moving is a dreadful ordeal for most of us, and for your exhausted mom, the whole idea of moving may be worse than the thought of living in AL. I'm just throwing out some ideas. Maybe others on the forum will have some suggestions. I know this is hard, but I hope you can convince her to move. Once she has some assistance, she may even like it. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I am the primary caregiver for my husband, therefore I have no income, can I qualify for any health care benef...
Are you old enough for Medicare? Do you qualify for Medicaid? Your husband's income is legally yours under Medicaid law, so much... Are you old enough for Medicare? Do you qualify for Medicaid? Your husband's income is legally yours under Medicaid law, so much depends on his income. If you aren't old enough to quality for Medicare, check with your State Insurance Department. They may be able to get you into a state pool.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Has any had a male relative, friend with dementia who seems to be focused on sex?
Unfortunately, this is very common. Dementia limits the social inhibitions of the affected people. That's whey very nice people who... Unfortunately, this is very common. Dementia limits the social inhibitions of the affected people. That's whey very nice people who have dementia can be blunt or even rude. It's also why people, particularly men, often act out sexually. They are doing what comes "naturally" and they don't understand that their behavior is inappropriate. Most staff members understand this issue and learn to handle it. I hope you've talked with the staff about keeping an eye on him so he stays out of the other resident's rooms. While this male relative is behaving inappropriately, he really can't understand what he's doing wrong. Staff members have coped with this before. Talk with them about ways to curtail the worst of the behavior. It he's entirely out of control, talk with his doctor. There may be medication that can calm his sexual urges. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What do young 74-year-olds do? Senior activities are very boring.
Try volunteering through the Retired Senior Volunteer Program. You'll meet many other active seniors, help people who aren't so... Try volunteering through the Retired Senior Volunteer Program. You'll meet many other active seniors, help people who aren't so fortunate, and likely find people to enjoy social activities with. Senior Corps can be found on the Internet if you don't have an RSVP chapter in your city.
Many other organizations are begging for volunteers, as well. There's no better way to meet active seniors.
Take care and good luck,
Carol see more
Many other organizations are begging for volunteers, as well. There's no better way to meet active seniors.
Take care and good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do to protect my mom from my sister who is successor trustee
You'll likely need to see an elder law attorney to see what you can do. You'll need proof that your sister is guilty of fraud... You'll likely need to see an elder law attorney to see what you can do. You'll need proof that your sister is guilty of fraud before going to court. At any rate, a consulting session with an attorney would likely be a good idea.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone know where to report rude and neglectful personnel of a senior village?
You can contact the long-term care ombudsman for that area. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code. You'll find the... You can contact the long-term care ombudsman for that area. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code. You'll find the contact person through that site, or else you can go to the state website for the information.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Both of my parents are applying for Medicaid. Do they each file an application, and is the $2000 max for each...
I believe so, but you'll need to ask the Medicaid person in your state about the amount of assets they can have. Likely, it's $2000... I believe so, but you'll need to ask the Medicaid person in your state about the amount of assets they can have. Likely, it's $2000 for each of them. And yes, they'd each have to file, I'm sure of that. Filing for Medicaid is a lot of paperwork, but the social worker who helps you will be able to answer your questions because he or she will know your state's requirements. Medicaid is a federally funded program, but the states have some input as well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What should I know about elderly sleeping with eyes open?
She may be semi-awake but deep into her imagination/past, or perhaps even a dream state could cause this (just a thought). People do walk... She may be semi-awake but deep into her imagination/past, or perhaps even a dream state could cause this (just a thought). People do walk in their sleep.
I'd ask her doctor about this. It doesn't seem like this should be caused by eye operations unless she can't close her eyes normally, at all. Try asking her primary physician what he or she thinks. It doesn't seem like anything to worry about, but it's always good to get a medical opinion.
Carol see more
I'd ask her doctor about this. It doesn't seem like this should be caused by eye operations unless she can't close her eyes normally, at all. Try asking her primary physician what he or she thinks. It doesn't seem like anything to worry about, but it's always good to get a medical opinion.
Carol see more
Question
Do wives have to pay husband medical bills?
Most likely, yes. If you are having trouble figuring out what to pay, you may want to talk with the financial person at the clinic or... Most likely, yes. If you are having trouble figuring out what to pay, you may want to talk with the financial person at the clinic or hospital. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I fake grieving when I have no grief?
You don't have to fake grief. Many people have feelings like you have. You've had a very difficult time caring for a woman who you... You don't have to fake grief. Many people have feelings like you have. You've had a very difficult time caring for a woman who you may not have been that close with. You've been grieving a long time over your "lost life." Now, you will get some of that life back. Just remain dignified and kind. You don't have to fake tears or real grief. You can rightful think and say, "At least she is done suffering" if a response is necessary. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
if I share joint checking account with my mom, can Medicare/Medicare get access to that in case of hospitaliza...
If your mom's name is on a checking account, I believe that Medicaid will consider the money part of her assets. There may be ways that... If your mom's name is on a checking account, I believe that Medicaid will consider the money part of her assets. There may be ways that you can prove the money is yours, but it's not a good idea to have her name on your account. You may want your name on her account if she can't handle money herself, but of course that is her money and therefore Medicaid will consider that an asset. Medicare isn't a problem as that isn't income dependent. I hope this helps,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do I deal with father living in his own home alcoholic who has spent most of his life's savings 'loaning'...
Sometimes there's little we can do. If your dad has any friends who have been treated for alcoholism, they may be able to help, but... Sometimes there's little we can do. If your dad has any friends who have been treated for alcoholism, they may be able to help, but likely he won't listen to anyone. He needs to decide for himself.
In some cases, social services can help out, but it's not likely if no one is breaking any laws and he's not being abused. I know it's hard for you to watch, but until he is in such a cognitive state that it's obvious he can't make decisions, you may not be able to intervene. Even at that point, you may have to go to court for guardianship. This is a tough case for you. I'd suggest Al-Anon meetings to help you cope. You'll meet others who understand.
Carol see more
In some cases, social services can help out, but it's not likely if no one is breaking any laws and he's not being abused. I know it's hard for you to watch, but until he is in such a cognitive state that it's obvious he can't make decisions, you may not be able to intervene. Even at that point, you may have to go to court for guardianship. This is a tough case for you. I'd suggest Al-Anon meetings to help you cope. You'll meet others who understand.
Carol see more
Question
Why are so many caregiver persons unreliable?
It's tough to find a caregiver on your own, as you've seen. Going through an agency can help, in that they have backup people if... It's tough to find a caregiver on your own, as you've seen. Going through an agency can help, in that they have backup people if someone doesn't show up. Since you want a live-in person, however, you may have to continue doing what you are doing. Ask friends and others you trust for recommendations.
You'll find a lot of people (well, let's say you already have seen this) who think this would be a good "gig", but they aren't right for the job. So few people are really good with aging elders, which is sad. That's one reason so many people go to assisted living. At least they have people around. I wish you luck in your search. Maybe others on the forum will have some tips.
Carol see more
You'll find a lot of people (well, let's say you already have seen this) who think this would be a good "gig", but they aren't right for the job. So few people are really good with aging elders, which is sad. That's one reason so many people go to assisted living. At least they have people around. I wish you luck in your search. Maybe others on the forum will have some tips.
Carol see more
Question
I moved home to care for my father. He pays me money which I use for both personal expenses and for food, etc....
I think you should talk with a CPA about this. It will cost some money to make one appointment, but it would be worth it not to worry about... I think you should talk with a CPA about this. It will cost some money to make one appointment, but it would be worth it not to worry about doing the right thing.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can I get ratings of establishments of rehabilation for the elderly in the 11747 area?
You can go to www.medicare.gov. At the bottom of the page you'll find resources. They have a "nursing home compare" link as... You can go to www.medicare.gov. At the bottom of the page you'll find resources. They have a "nursing home compare" link as well as other links that may help. If you want to go to the county website of the Zip code you mention, you will likely find information on the facility, as well. Be aware that they are not likely to totally agree as different criteria may be used. Visiting the facility and making your own judgment may be your best way to assess the place. Check out the staff and how they interact with the residents and with each other. Talk to family members. There's nothing like firsthand knowledge.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are nursing home costs tax deductible?
The health portion may be deductible, but not the living expense. I kind of doubt that they can go back, but I'd check with a qualified... The health portion may be deductible, but not the living expense. I kind of doubt that they can go back, but I'd check with a qualified CPA on both of these issues. You don't want to miss deductions, but you don't want to take deductions not allowed. Always tricky, and much depends on individual circumstances. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do I deal with my mother's financial debt and siblings who are financially exploiting her?
You're right that this is a mess. Since your mother has dementia, it may help to see if you can get her away from this family and into... You're right that this is a mess. Since your mother has dementia, it may help to see if you can get her away from this family and into a nursing home. Her house could be sold to pay off her debt and what is left would pay nursing home costs until she qualified for Medicaid. She may feel protected in a controlled environment and she'd have peer interaction and socialization.
Other than that, there isn't much you can do unless you want to get an attorney to help straighten this out. Your mother is giving over the money of her own free will, so her dementia would need to be brought to light and then the attorney may be able to stop this exploitation. This could be a lengthy process, however. Also, this approach will likely end your relationship with your siblings. It's a tough choice. One consultation with an attorney, at least, may give you some ideas of how to move forward. Good luck,
Carol see more
Other than that, there isn't much you can do unless you want to get an attorney to help straighten this out. Your mother is giving over the money of her own free will, so her dementia would need to be brought to light and then the attorney may be able to stop this exploitation. This could be a lengthy process, however. Also, this approach will likely end your relationship with your siblings. It's a tough choice. One consultation with an attorney, at least, may give you some ideas of how to move forward. Good luck,
Carol see more
My mom wakes up after sleeping and from napes at times screaming and crying what do I do? Drives me crazy!
As far as the fall goes, they should have an explanation of the lump on her head. It's possible she fell and bumped her head and then was able to sit up, but that indicates a slow response to the fall. I'd push harder for some reason for that lump. If you don't feel the nursing home is giving good care, you can contact your ombudsman at ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code of the nursing home to find your contact.
Take care,
Carol see more