Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My mother with dementia is always talking about leaving. Should I consider elderly GPS?
I don't have a particular company to suggest, but if your mother is out on her own a lot, getting a GPS chip for her shoe is a good... I don't have a particular company to suggest, but if your mother is out on her own a lot, getting a GPS chip for her shoe is a good idea. You'll have a monthly charge to monitor her and you'll have to choose a company who works in the area where she lives. Try not to sign a contract, as you don't know how long she'll be in this stage and you don't want to be paying for a service you no longer need.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
My grandpa is 88 and being mean as can be. Why is he so mean?
It sounds like he may have developed a type of dementia. It could be Alzheimer's or another type. Several types of dementia can change... It sounds like he may have developed a type of dementia. It could be Alzheimer's or another type. Several types of dementia can change someone's personality. Please have him evaluated. This is vital since your grandma could be at risk. Your grandpa hasn't changed because he wants to - it's his brain. He can't help it. He needs a doctor's help.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
If my dad went into a nursing home would they consider both daughters needs for him?
Does your older sister have the Power Of Attorney? If no one has this document, you should have as much to say about your dad as she does. ... Does your older sister have the Power Of Attorney? If no one has this document, you should have as much to say about your dad as she does.
You may have to accept that he will need to live in a facility whether or not he wants to - at least eventually. Since it doesn't work for him to live with either of you, which is often the case, you two will have to find somewhere near one of you for him. It's a hard choice, but he needs someone to visit him.
Compromise of some type is needed, and your sister should have you down on the forms as a person to contact and for input. It's not fair to leave you off. I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but try again. Maybe a mutual friend can intervene on your behalf?
You do have your plate full, so please don't take on more than you can handle for your own health. If your sister does a good job of watching over your dad, maybe he needs to be in a care home near her and you and your husband can visit when you are able. Don't let guilt interfere with what your dad needs. You have done a lot and will continue to do what you can.
Take care of yourself and your husband, too.
Carol see more
You may have to accept that he will need to live in a facility whether or not he wants to - at least eventually. Since it doesn't work for him to live with either of you, which is often the case, you two will have to find somewhere near one of you for him. It's a hard choice, but he needs someone to visit him.
Compromise of some type is needed, and your sister should have you down on the forms as a person to contact and for input. It's not fair to leave you off. I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but try again. Maybe a mutual friend can intervene on your behalf?
You do have your plate full, so please don't take on more than you can handle for your own health. If your sister does a good job of watching over your dad, maybe he needs to be in a care home near her and you and your husband can visit when you are able. Don't let guilt interfere with what your dad needs. You have done a lot and will continue to do what you can.
Take care of yourself and your husband, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do I find a geriatric care manager?
You might try http://www.caremanager.org - that is the national website. There is a "find a manager" tab. Also, as karieh said,... You might try http://www.caremanager.org - that is the national website. There is a "find a manager" tab. Also, as karieh said, emails are likely to be answered, but they may take time. Good luck.
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Question
How can I find a nursing home that is experienced with blind residents?
Most quality nursing homes should be able to handle your aunt's disability. Loss of eyesight isn't unusual in elders because... Most quality nursing homes should be able to handle your aunt's disability. Loss of eyesight isn't unusual in elders because macular degeneration and glaucoma are both risks that increase with age. I'd visit prospective nursing homes and just observe the staff and how they interact with all residents. Is there an atmosphere of respect for residents and staff? When you get the "vibe", then make an appointment to talk about your aunt's needs. Look at several homes if you can. If you see people around who are visiting family members, try to approach them in a friendly way and tell them you are considering the home. Ask what they think of it. Don't just accept what one person says, however. You may find a person who is never satisfied, or someone who is satisfied with anything. But if you can talk to a few visiting family members, that would be helpful.
Good luck. This sounds like an inevitable move.
Carol see more
Good luck. This sounds like an inevitable move.
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Question
Should my mom have surgery? She has a dislocated shoulder and hairline fracture in the ball of her arm bone.
Surgery at her age is risky, but she must be in significant pain with these injuries. I'd consult a couple of doctors before making the... Surgery at her age is risky, but she must be in significant pain with these injuries. I'd consult a couple of doctors before making the decision. Generally a dislocated shoulder can be put back in place without surgery and a hairline fracture can be set. You may want to ask if these can be addressed without surgery. If you are told that surgery is a must, then get a second opinion.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What documents need to be prepared for Medicaid and in what format?
You sound like a dream for the social worker helping your mother qualify for Medicaid. Exactly what you will need depends on the state... You sound like a dream for the social worker helping your mother qualify for Medicaid.
Exactly what you will need depends on the state where she lives and her assets. The IRAs will be an issue, so have statements ready. Also, be able to produce most of the documents you have talked about, but I wouldn't worry about going in with everything. You'll make an appointment and will most likely be told what they want for the first interview. After that, they will ask for what they want. I believe you will be able to produce it quickly from what you've said. You may want to write a brief statement giving a concise view of the last five years without bringing in all of the backup information until they ask.
You can explain the two years when she wrote her own checks, but if you were aware of the large checks and what they were for, that will help. You can say "this was for a new roof" or whatever the large checks covered. They won't care about her groceries, etc.
I really don't think you'll have a problem with producing what they need. Have recent bank statements ready, your POA papers, recent statements from her IRAs and any other assets. If she has a prepaid funeral arrangement, they will want to know that. If she owns a home, they will want to know about that. As I said, they will guide you. Just get things organized for yourself, and let them tell you what you will need for the first interview. You'll do just great.
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Exactly what you will need depends on the state where she lives and her assets. The IRAs will be an issue, so have statements ready. Also, be able to produce most of the documents you have talked about, but I wouldn't worry about going in with everything. You'll make an appointment and will most likely be told what they want for the first interview. After that, they will ask for what they want. I believe you will be able to produce it quickly from what you've said. You may want to write a brief statement giving a concise view of the last five years without bringing in all of the backup information until they ask.
You can explain the two years when she wrote her own checks, but if you were aware of the large checks and what they were for, that will help. You can say "this was for a new roof" or whatever the large checks covered. They won't care about her groceries, etc.
I really don't think you'll have a problem with producing what they need. Have recent bank statements ready, your POA papers, recent statements from her IRAs and any other assets. If she has a prepaid funeral arrangement, they will want to know that. If she owns a home, they will want to know about that. As I said, they will guide you. Just get things organized for yourself, and let them tell you what you will need for the first interview. You'll do just great.
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Question
Do I sell mom's property and move her to an assisted living or do I keep her at home and let choices take over...
There's no way anyone can make that decision for you. For many people, selling the home and moving her to assisted living may be best,... There's no way anyone can make that decision for you. For many people, selling the home and moving her to assisted living may be best, since she'd have social contacts and someone people around her.
However, there are some people who would do better staying in their home. Since she's already on Medicaid, her home is likely her only asset. That is something to consider because if you sell the home she'll go likely go off of Medicaid until those assets are used up (this is likely why you are writing). I can see why you'd hate to see her go off of Medicaid, move her, and then eventually have to put her back on. But this is a question of what is best for her personally. I'd discuss this with people who know your Mom. If she seems isolated and is cognitively going down hill, or if she seems depressed, she may do better in assisted living. Evaluate all sides and then go for it. There's probably no "right" answer - only the best one you can figure out. Take care of yourself,
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However, there are some people who would do better staying in their home. Since she's already on Medicaid, her home is likely her only asset. That is something to consider because if you sell the home she'll go likely go off of Medicaid until those assets are used up (this is likely why you are writing). I can see why you'd hate to see her go off of Medicaid, move her, and then eventually have to put her back on. But this is a question of what is best for her personally. I'd discuss this with people who know your Mom. If she seems isolated and is cognitively going down hill, or if she seems depressed, she may do better in assisted living. Evaluate all sides and then go for it. There's probably no "right" answer - only the best one you can figure out. Take care of yourself,
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Question
Does my mother have to file income tax if all her money goes to the nursing home and she is on Medicaid?
Probably not. You should check with the IRS or a tax preparer to confirm this, but to the best of my knowledge she won't have enough... Probably not. You should check with the IRS or a tax preparer to confirm this, but to the best of my knowledge she won't have enough income to file.
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Question
What is the best and kindest way to take over all financial duties?
Do you or another family member have a POA? I hope so. If not, you can make an appointment with an attorney to have your own paperwork done... Do you or another family member have a POA? I hope so. If not, you can make an appointment with an attorney to have your own paperwork done and let your dad know you are doing this. He maybe will then decide to join you and get his taken care of. Let him know that "something" can happen to anyone and we all need our legal work taken care of. I'd leave his dementia out of the conversation.
Sometimes the best way for this, as well as his driving, is to get a third party - not a family member - to talk with him. Elders often don't like having their kids tell them what to do. That's so hard on the ego. But they sometimes listen to a trusted friends. At your dad's age, most of his good friends are likely deceased, which makes it tough. But maybe he has a "young" friend of the family he trusts, say around 70, who can tell him that it's time to let someone else handle his finances. It looks like you have your hands full. Please check in and let us know how it's going.
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Sometimes the best way for this, as well as his driving, is to get a third party - not a family member - to talk with him. Elders often don't like having their kids tell them what to do. That's so hard on the ego. But they sometimes listen to a trusted friends. At your dad's age, most of his good friends are likely deceased, which makes it tough. But maybe he has a "young" friend of the family he trusts, say around 70, who can tell him that it's time to let someone else handle his finances. It looks like you have your hands full. Please check in and let us know how it's going.
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Question
How to talk about taking away the keys from dad?
Try to talk him into letting family members giving him a ride when he wants to go somewhere. Gradually, find senior ride services, as well,... Try to talk him into letting family members giving him a ride when he wants to go somewhere. Gradually, find senior ride services, as well, so he can feel independent. Also, impress upon him how horrible it would be if he hit a child because he didn't notice him or her.
You can phone the DMV and ask that they send him a letter to come in for a driver's test. Some states are quite good about this. Did his doctor send a note to the DMV? If not, ask him to.
It's never going to be easy to get someone to quit driving, particularly after the cognitive abilities are compromised by AD. Expect problems, and if the situation is too bad you may have to take away the car. I feel horrible for you - but you have lots of company. Please let us know how it goes.
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You can phone the DMV and ask that they send him a letter to come in for a driver's test. Some states are quite good about this. Did his doctor send a note to the DMV? If not, ask him to.
It's never going to be easy to get someone to quit driving, particularly after the cognitive abilities are compromised by AD. Expect problems, and if the situation is too bad you may have to take away the car. I feel horrible for you - but you have lots of company. Please let us know how it goes.
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Question
Who do I get to help my mom when she can't get along with family members and her knees and eyes are giving out...
Some people don't like accepting help from family members and may feel better about paid in-home help. As cattails said, if this is new... Some people don't like accepting help from family members and may feel better about paid in-home help. As cattails said, if this is new behavior, your mom should be checked for mental illness or dementia. If this is age-old dysfunctional family business, it's time to start working on a solution where others can take care of your mom. You can check with your local Area Agency on Aging to get some local advice or go to your state website and search under "aging." Good luck and take care of yourself, too.
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Question
Should you tell your loved one they have Alzheimer's?
My belief is that people are often relieved that there is a reason for the changes they sense. You can't go back, but you can take... My belief is that people are often relieved that there is a reason for the changes they sense. You can't go back, but you can take action now. I'd let her know exactly where she is in the disease process.
Tell her that you will do everything to help her get along well. Expect her to be angry. Make sure her doctor is doing whatever can be done when it comes to medications. She'll be changing with time, so keeping in contact with the doctor is important.
I like the idea of calling the caregiver a companion. Use respectful terms and try not to argue. Arguing will get you no where. Sometimes you will just have to let her be angry until she gets over it. If you can distract her, that's good of course, but if you can't, let it go. Good luck. This is never easy.
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Tell her that you will do everything to help her get along well. Expect her to be angry. Make sure her doctor is doing whatever can be done when it comes to medications. She'll be changing with time, so keeping in contact with the doctor is important.
I like the idea of calling the caregiver a companion. Use respectful terms and try not to argue. Arguing will get you no where. Sometimes you will just have to let her be angry until she gets over it. If you can distract her, that's good of course, but if you can't, let it go. Good luck. This is never easy.
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Question
How do I convince my grandmother to use a walker or similar device?
My approach was much the same as 3pinkroses:" if you feel "dependent" using a walker, think about life in a wheelchair after... My approach was much the same as 3pinkroses:" if you feel "dependent" using a walker, think about life in a wheelchair after a fall."
This needn't be said in a negative way, but a matter-of-fact reminder of the consequences of falls can sometimes overcome the vanity of someone not wanting to seem "old" and/or disabled enough to use a cane or a walker.
There are some fashionable canes if a cane is all that's needed, but it's best if the elder can get over the idea that needing a walking aid is somehow demeaning. Positive reinforcement is wonderful!
As with so many things, there's only so much a caregiver can control. But laying out the potential consequences of taking unnecessary risks can help drive home a point. Good luck,
Carol see more
This needn't be said in a negative way, but a matter-of-fact reminder of the consequences of falls can sometimes overcome the vanity of someone not wanting to seem "old" and/or disabled enough to use a cane or a walker.
There are some fashionable canes if a cane is all that's needed, but it's best if the elder can get over the idea that needing a walking aid is somehow demeaning. Positive reinforcement is wonderful!
As with so many things, there's only so much a caregiver can control. But laying out the potential consequences of taking unnecessary risks can help drive home a point. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can you legally place a liner in a depend and only change just the liner if wet?
Great answer from Jeannegibbs. If you are an in-home caregiver from an agency, you'll need to ask the agency for guidance. But if you... Great answer from Jeannegibbs. If you are an in-home caregiver from an agency, you'll need to ask the agency for guidance. But if you are a family caregiver, there's no reason why you can't just change the liner if that is all that is wet. This is about keeping the person dry and healthy. Period.
Thanks for caring enough to ask!
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Thanks for caring enough to ask!
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Question
How can I find a place for my mother-in-law to live on just social security income?
Jeannegibbs nailed it. Please do as she suggested. Subsidized housing is local. The intent is to make housing affordable for people, many... Jeannegibbs nailed it. Please do as she suggested. Subsidized housing is local. The intent is to make housing affordable for people, many of them elderly, who don't have the ability to pay rent. Social Services should be able to help give you direction. Also, as Jeanne said, if your mother is not on Medicaid she would likely qualify. Contact the social services in your mother's county.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
I have Power of Attorney, do I need to obtain guardianship as well?
Hi Jean, It's possible that your mother could, on a bad day, withdraw the POA, but would she be able to do that? Gaining guardianship... Hi Jean,
It's possible that your mother could, on a bad day, withdraw the POA, but would she be able to do that? Gaining guardianship is expensive. I don't know of any help as far as paying for the attorney, but you can check with your state law organization and they can let you know of attorneys that will take on some free or low cost cases. The chance that she'll be clear enough to go through the paperwork of revoking the POA is probably small, but only you can decide how much is at risk. Take care.
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It's possible that your mother could, on a bad day, withdraw the POA, but would she be able to do that? Gaining guardianship is expensive. I don't know of any help as far as paying for the attorney, but you can check with your state law organization and they can let you know of attorneys that will take on some free or low cost cases. The chance that she'll be clear enough to go through the paperwork of revoking the POA is probably small, but only you can decide how much is at risk. Take care.
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Question
How can I get a good nights sleep while caring for my spouse?
It sounds like you may need to hire some in-home help and have separate bedrooms. You can only keep this up so long and your own health... It sounds like you may need to hire some in-home help and have separate bedrooms. You can only keep this up so long and your own health will be compromised. I know this is a hard choice, but there comes a time when we can only do so much. Please look into some kind of help. Your own health is important, too.
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Question
Will we have to reapply for Medicaid after my mother "spin down?"
I doubt it. Just keep the Medicaid people informed. You may have to hold off on the finalization of the Medicaid while she spends down, but... I doubt it. Just keep the Medicaid people informed. You may have to hold off on the finalization of the Medicaid while she spends down, but you can have everything in place. Talk with the person you've been working with on the Medicaid papers. They will likely just put off the Medicaid for those days and you will pay the nursing home directly, or else you'll pay the money to Medicaid. Each state is a little different.
Take care,
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Take care,
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How do you handle a dementia patient who feels he doesn't need help when hospice has been called in to help ca...
For her sake as well as his, others should be part of the equation. I'd stay away from any indication that this is because he forgets things. That just puts him on the defensive. If you approach it from the standpoint that this is what caregivers do, and that if he wants to be able to provide the best care for his partner, then he needs to take care of himself - which means breaks away - maybe that will help. You are right doing what you have set in motion. Good luck,
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