Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
Where can I find someone to stay with mom while on vacation?
Check with your local assisted living centers. Many offer respite care. Otherwise, an in-home health agency could work out - it's... Check with your local assisted living centers. Many offer respite care. Otherwise, an in-home health agency could work out - it's expensive either way, but you need someone. Good luck. This isn't the easiest thing to do. Much depends on the community.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What is the best way to deal with hospitalists?
It seems you are being ignored if they don't at least say why they aren't doing what you ask. I'd contact her primary doctor... It seems you are being ignored if they don't at least say why they aren't doing what you ask. I'd contact her primary doctor and let him or her know that she is dehydrated and no one is listening to you. Then ask for an appointment with the hospitalist. It's hard to balance the fact that they are stretched too thin with the needs of your loved one, but this sounds neglectful. The hospital should have a complain department if you need to talk with someone. I'd try again to make an appointment with the hospitalist, however, because obviously it's easiest when people get along. Good luck. I don't like the sound of this hospital. They should give you some explanations, at the very least.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I help my socially isolated father?
You are right - assisted living is where he belongs. I don't know how you'll get him there, but the social outlet would likely make... You are right - assisted living is where he belongs. I don't know how you'll get him there, but the social outlet would likely make a big difference in his outlook on life. He has too much time alone to just think.
You may want to consider getting him into a doctor, as well. He could be suffering from clinical depression. If that is the case and medication helps, he may be more compliant about other changes in his life. It's worth a try.
Take care,
Carol see more
You may want to consider getting him into a doctor, as well. He could be suffering from clinical depression. If that is the case and medication helps, he may be more compliant about other changes in his life. It's worth a try.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My dad has Alzheimer's and is very anti social, very angry and aggressive. How can we manage his anger?
Hi Tammy, Jeannegibbs is wise and gives wonderful advice. I echo everything she said. I'm not normally in favor of chemically... Hi Tammy,
Jeannegibbs is wise and gives wonderful advice. I echo everything she said. I'm not normally in favor of chemically restraining someone, but this is an extreme case and your mother, your sister and you are all at risk. I'd ask Social Services what can be done. Somehow, he needs to be in a care center where his anger and aggressiveness can be controlled. This is his disease acting, but there are limits when others are at risk. If he had another illness that affected his thinking and judgment, he's likely be forced into some kind of treatment. Please check with Social Services and his doctor to see what can be done to get him into a memory unit so he can have his medications and be calmed down a bit. Good luck to you. This is a horrible position to be in.
Carol see more
Jeannegibbs is wise and gives wonderful advice. I echo everything she said. I'm not normally in favor of chemically restraining someone, but this is an extreme case and your mother, your sister and you are all at risk. I'd ask Social Services what can be done. Somehow, he needs to be in a care center where his anger and aggressiveness can be controlled. This is his disease acting, but there are limits when others are at risk. If he had another illness that affected his thinking and judgment, he's likely be forced into some kind of treatment. Please check with Social Services and his doctor to see what can be done to get him into a memory unit so he can have his medications and be calmed down a bit. Good luck to you. This is a horrible position to be in.
Carol see more
Question
How to handle taking over finances when mother has been scammed out of thousands of dollars through the mail a...
It's too bad that one of your siblings is so against this. Of course, your mother is upset. But her history and the agreement of the... It's too bad that one of your siblings is so against this. Of course, your mother is upset. But her history and the agreement of the doctor shows that you are right. You'll have to lovingly detach from her anger. Acknowledge how hard it is to give cup control. Make sure she has some money to spend. But let her know that her doctor thinks this is best. If you can document her history of these scams and show it to the sister who objects, then you can ask her why, exactly, she objects. She may just be softhearted and hates to see her mom upset. But she needs to know that her mom in in a self-destructive mode and that she needs help. Good luck. This is never fun.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What do I do when my husband keeps asking to go home with me?
You are doing all you can. This is hard for you, but likely when he gets used to you being gone, he does okay in AL. He's reminded of... You are doing all you can. This is hard for you, but likely when he gets used to you being gone, he does okay in AL. He's reminded of the good times with you when he sees you, so continue to give him the love and caring when you are there, but stress that you love him enough to care about his safety and health and that he needs this extra care now. This is his new home and you are there as much as you can be. You'll have to learn, somehow, to detach from his crying, knowing it's temporary (and maybe even manipulative?). Don't let guilt eat you up. You don't deserve that. This has to be depressing for you, so be sure to do things you enjoy with friends who can give you support.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Why is dad telling everyone I lied about having cancer? He should be happy they got it in surgery!
I'm so sorry you have to endure this. Unfortunately, people's public image and who they really are with family can be very, very... I'm so sorry you have to endure this. Unfortunately, people's public image and who they really are with family can be very, very different. Try to get some counseling to help you detach from what your father says and what other's may think.
Your dad may actually resent the help you gave him. That's sad but it happens. Eventually, people will see through his lies. Living your life honestly and with dignity is really your only choice. You may have to pull away from him in order to do this.
Good luck with this sad situation. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Your dad may actually resent the help you gave him. That's sad but it happens. Eventually, people will see through his lies. Living your life honestly and with dignity is really your only choice. You may have to pull away from him in order to do this.
Good luck with this sad situation. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
How do we know when it is time to put our aging parents who live with us in an assisted living home?
The time is now. She may be past the assisted living phase and need nursing home care. Her money would pay the cost until her assets have... The time is now. She may be past the assisted living phase and need nursing home care. Her money would pay the cost until her assets have been nearly used up. Please see the estate attorney who drew up the POA, or another elder law attorney, if she fights this too much. With the complication of your sister, you have issues not everyone faces. You may need legal help to keep things in order. You can't keep up this stressful situation forever. Please do look into help.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
T see more
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
T see more
Question
My mother is in an Assisted Living facility and is afraid of one of the other patients on her floor who is a m...
If they said it was handled, can you ask them what steps they have taken? Likely the man is not any threat, and being afraid of another... If they said it was handled, can you ask them what steps they have taken? Likely the man is not any threat, and being afraid of another resident isn't unusual. However, if this is seriously affecting your mother, one of them should likely be moved to another floor. Try to get more details about what they've done or can do. They do need to understand that this is serious for your mother. You can contact the long-term care ombudsman for the home (www.ltcombudsman.org), but hopefully the administration can figure something out before you take that step.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you protect them from themselves?
Please talk with your husband's doctor about this. It may be time for him to move to a locked facility. You are right to fear for your... Please talk with your husband's doctor about this. It may be time for him to move to a locked facility. You are right to fear for your own health. There's only so much you can do, and it seems like you've done it all.
For your husband's safety and for your own health, you need some outside help. He doesn't understand why he can't do what he wants, but a good nursing home would have diversions for him that are safe. His doctor should be able to help you make a decision. Take care,
Carol see more
For your husband's safety and for your own health, you need some outside help. He doesn't understand why he can't do what he wants, but a good nursing home would have diversions for him that are safe. His doctor should be able to help you make a decision. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do you have to pay for a doctors bill for a missed appointment when the patient just moved into a retirement h...
I'm not sure she'll get by without paying this, but there needs to be better communication so that the retirement home can confirm... I'm not sure she'll get by without paying this, but there needs to be better communication so that the retirement home can confirm messages of this nature. If your mother has her own phone, you may want to make sure she takes her own messages (if she is able). You are right, however, that after the death of her husband, she has a lot of stress, and she may have gotten the message and forgotten. It's probably time to pay this charge and work on not letting it happen again.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Once we had everything in place my father decided he no longer wanted to move to the assisted living facility....
Hi Winnie, This is not unusual at all. If you are gentle but firm, and you stress that this is so close to where your mother is living and... Hi Winnie,
This is not unusual at all. If you are gentle but firm, and you stress that this is so close to where your mother is living and that she needs him nearby, you will likely get through this okay. Be prepared for complaints and other stress for awhile. Eventually, he's likely to see the benefits, including much more social interaction. He'll make friends and probably get to like it, even if he still complains. It sounds as though you've give this a lot of thought and preparation. Try to make it happen. I do think he'll get used to it and change his mind. You'll just need to detach from his complaints, knowing that you want the best best for him. Try not to take it personally. Change is difficult and he's got a right to fuss a bit. Good luck,
Carol see more
This is not unusual at all. If you are gentle but firm, and you stress that this is so close to where your mother is living and that she needs him nearby, you will likely get through this okay. Be prepared for complaints and other stress for awhile. Eventually, he's likely to see the benefits, including much more social interaction. He'll make friends and probably get to like it, even if he still complains. It sounds as though you've give this a lot of thought and preparation. Try to make it happen. I do think he'll get used to it and change his mind. You'll just need to detach from his complaints, knowing that you want the best best for him. Try not to take it personally. Change is difficult and he's got a right to fuss a bit. Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom rehab in nursing home and in and out of hospital, what can I do to get help for payment?
It sounds like the only choice is to have her on Medicaid in the nursing home. They will leave her with some spending money, but the rest... It sounds like the only choice is to have her on Medicaid in the nursing home. They will leave her with some spending money, but the rest will go to her care. That's just how the system works. Otherwise, you could hire in-home care with what money she has, but it will likely soon run out and she'll have to go to a nursing home, anyway. One adjustment may be enough. She may find she enjoys the company once she's used to her new home. I hope so.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If you have power of attorney can you make bank transactions without the individual being present?
Yes, that's what the POA is for - unless there is some specification in the POA against it. Generally people appoint a POA to pay... Yes, that's what the POA is for - unless there is some specification in the POA against it.
Generally people appoint a POA to pay their bills and take care of financial transactions if they can't do it themselves. The bank will want a copy of the POA so you can do this. Just take a copy with you the first time. Sometimes they want an original (generally the person signs a few "originals" with a fresh signature, but generally a copy will suffice. Take care,
Carol see more
Generally people appoint a POA to pay their bills and take care of financial transactions if they can't do it themselves. The bank will want a copy of the POA so you can do this. Just take a copy with you the first time. Sometimes they want an original (generally the person signs a few "originals" with a fresh signature, but generally a copy will suffice. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
As health care power of attorney, can I change my husband's living will?
I believe your decisions can over-ride the living will if there are conditions that weren't foreseen when the living will was written.... I believe your decisions can over-ride the living will if there are conditions that weren't foreseen when the living will was written. This is common, as none of us know the details of what will happen in our lives. Living wills can't cover everything, which is one reason why we appoint a health POA. You may want to check with an estate attorney or elder law attorney if you want to do something dramatically different than what the living will states, but I do believe your POA is there for you to make the best decisions you can, knowing the person trusted you with this power. Take care. It sounds like you are going through a tough time.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Dad moves at his own pace, slow. He refuses to speed up says fear of falling. How do we help him?
I'm sorry for you all. This is hard. His hours in the bathroom could be a sign of anxiety. Has he ever been diagnosed with OCD? People... I'm sorry for you all. This is hard.
His hours in the bathroom could be a sign of anxiety. Has he ever been diagnosed with OCD? People with obsessive compulsive disorder (some people with dementia develop obsessive behaviors), tend to spend a lot of time in the bathroom because it's private and they relieve stress by repeating behaviors that others would question such as repeatedly touching an object such as the corners of a cupboard. This is harmless and he shouldn't be challenged unless he's in danger.
I don't know that you should worry about speeding him up. This is part of his cognitive degeneration and he doesn't need more stress with pressure to "speed up." He will likely feel less stressed if he's not pushed, even though it's natural on your part to want to speed him up.
I would recommend that he see his doctor again to ask about medication or therapy. Balance issues can be a sign of cognitive issues. He may even feel dizzy from a medication and not be aware that dizziness is the problem.
he bottom line is that he feels anxious and afraid for his safety - for good reason. Work with medical help and try not to pressure him.Pressuring him could backfire, as he can't help these feelings of fear.
Take care,
Carol see more
His hours in the bathroom could be a sign of anxiety. Has he ever been diagnosed with OCD? People with obsessive compulsive disorder (some people with dementia develop obsessive behaviors), tend to spend a lot of time in the bathroom because it's private and they relieve stress by repeating behaviors that others would question such as repeatedly touching an object such as the corners of a cupboard. This is harmless and he shouldn't be challenged unless he's in danger.
I don't know that you should worry about speeding him up. This is part of his cognitive degeneration and he doesn't need more stress with pressure to "speed up." He will likely feel less stressed if he's not pushed, even though it's natural on your part to want to speed him up.
I would recommend that he see his doctor again to ask about medication or therapy. Balance issues can be a sign of cognitive issues. He may even feel dizzy from a medication and not be aware that dizziness is the problem.
he bottom line is that he feels anxious and afraid for his safety - for good reason. Work with medical help and try not to pressure him.Pressuring him could backfire, as he can't help these feelings of fear.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I determine the best place for my father with moderate dementia to live?
I don't know anything about this particular agency, but if you are feeling pressured to make a decision, that's not a good sign. ... I don't know anything about this particular agency, but if you are feeling pressured to make a decision, that's not a good sign.
My feeling is that the less you have to move your dad the better. Most AL facilities include what this agency is offering. Then you need to hire in-home agencies for some extra care. I'd look around and compare services with other AL facilities before making a decision. Any good facility that says it can care for people with AD should have security features to prevent wandering. If this one doesn't, it's not likely the right choice for you.
You are right in looking for care for him so that you can spend quality time visiting him and doing fun things rather than all of this stressful, everyday, care. Just do a lot of homework before moving him so you don't have to move him again unless/until he needs a nursing home.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
My feeling is that the less you have to move your dad the better. Most AL facilities include what this agency is offering. Then you need to hire in-home agencies for some extra care. I'd look around and compare services with other AL facilities before making a decision. Any good facility that says it can care for people with AD should have security features to prevent wandering. If this one doesn't, it's not likely the right choice for you.
You are right in looking for care for him so that you can spend quality time visiting him and doing fun things rather than all of this stressful, everyday, care. Just do a lot of homework before moving him so you don't have to move him again unless/until he needs a nursing home.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
What happens when your spouse doesn't make you power of attorney? Can I make decisions for him or can a family...
Did he appoint someone else as POA? As a spouse, you have rights, anyway. He may be angry about going to a nursing home, but if you... Did he appoint someone else as POA? As a spouse, you have rights, anyway. He may be angry about going to a nursing home, but if you can't care for him safely at home, then it's a necessary move. If his family gives you trouble, you may want to check with an elder law attorney just for backup. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
If I claim my mother as a dependent on taxes will it effect her Social Security or Medicaid/Medicare?
It won't affect her Medicare or Social Security. For Medicaid, that would depend on your state and what they allow. If you provide... It won't affect her Medicare or Social Security. For Medicaid, that would depend on your state and what they allow. If you provide services for her that Medicaid would likely have to pay someone else to do, they may allow that. Be prepared to "make your case". You may want to check with a CPA on this before checking with your state on Medicaid. Good luck. I hope you can. Family caregivers provide many services for our vulnerable loved ones that save the government billions of dollars.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
What do you do if your spouse is not supportive of your caring for a parent?
I hope that you can find a compromise everyone can adjust to.
Carol see more