Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My 85-year-old mother, currently in assisted living, is running out of money. How do I go about applying for a...
It sounds to me like it's time to apply for Medicaid. If your mom's needs keep increasing, she may qualify for a nursing home,... It sounds to me like it's time to apply for Medicaid. If your mom's needs keep increasing, she may qualify for a nursing home, which would then be paid for by Medicaid (once she qualifies).
Since the qualification process for Medicaid takes time, I'd call social services soon and ask about the process in your state. Start gathering up paperwork - it's a process. You can also go to www.medicare.gov and follow the links for information of qualifying for Medicaid.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Since the qualification process for Medicaid takes time, I'd call social services soon and ask about the process in your state. Start gathering up paperwork - it's a process. You can also go to www.medicare.gov and follow the links for information of qualifying for Medicaid.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can a nursing home kick you out for bad behavior?
First of all - making sexual advances is very common when a person has AD - especially with men. Normal inhibitions are not in place. I... First of all - making sexual advances is very common when a person has AD - especially with men. Normal inhibitions are not in place. I don't believe they will use this as an excuse to "kick him out." They are just reporting to you. Most staff members will have handled this behavior many times before. I know its awful to think of your dad acting this way when he never would have before, but please rest assured that its the disease, not your dad.
If there is a move to get him out of the home you can contact your ombudsman at www.ltcombudsman.org (type in the nursing home Zip code) or go on your state website to find your ombudsman. This person is there to help you.
I'm not sure you are "there" yet. The home is excellent and you are happy. They are professionals used to working with people like your dad. It's worrisome for you, especially since your siblings won't even back you up. Just remember your ombudsman is there to help you figure things out if you need help.
Take care,
Carol see more
If there is a move to get him out of the home you can contact your ombudsman at www.ltcombudsman.org (type in the nursing home Zip code) or go on your state website to find your ombudsman. This person is there to help you.
I'm not sure you are "there" yet. The home is excellent and you are happy. They are professionals used to working with people like your dad. It's worrisome for you, especially since your siblings won't even back you up. Just remember your ombudsman is there to help you figure things out if you need help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do if my husband refused to sign a Power of Attorney and he has dementia?
If he signed another POA, that is likely still legal. I'd check with an elder law attorney or estate attorney about how to handle... If he signed another POA, that is likely still legal. I'd check with an elder law attorney or estate attorney about how to handle this. Generally a spouse would be POA first, with a backup outside of the marriage in case the spouse is unable to do so. But that isn't always the case. An attorney may be you best route - and as soon as possible. As dementia worsens, it's harder to make legal changes.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Are there professionals you can hire to perform basic financial tasks for elderly not living near family?
I would check with the bank where your elder's account is located. They may provide that service or else they could recommend someone... I would check with the bank where your elder's account is located. They may provide that service or else they could recommend someone licensed to do so. You are right to be cautious. There are too many ways someone could be taken advantage of without going through the right channels. I'm sure many financial planners offer this service, and some CPAs may. But checking with the bank seems like a good idea to me.
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Carol see more
Question
Do you have to pay income tax on money received as a beneficiary to life insurance policy if it's only $7000?
I don't believe you have to pay taxes on money received from life insurance, but please check with a tax expert to make sure. States... I don't believe you have to pay taxes on money received from life insurance, but please check with a tax expert to make sure. States vary in their requirements and individuals have different circumstances. Likely you are okay, but please check it out.
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Question
Can Medicaid hold you accountable for money spent from your parent's bank account when they apply for Medicaid...
It's possible they can, however if you can prove that the work was done for her benefit and give receipts for the work, you may be... It's possible they can, however if you can prove that the work was done for her benefit and give receipts for the work, you may be exempt. If it's a large amount of money, you may want to obtain the help of an elder law attorney for this. Good luck. You aren't alone in this predicament. You tried your best and it didn't work.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Any advice on how to get my mom to relax more when she is having medical tests?
This is a tough one, because anxiety is such a large part of Alzheimer's disease for most people who have it. Likely some of her... This is a tough one, because anxiety is such a large part of Alzheimer's disease for most people who have it. Likely some of her anxiety is caused by confusion and memory issues, so if you can write down what will happen at the appointment and why they do each test, that may help. Let her keep the list for referral.
Some people don't like to be touched by strangers, and this could worsen with dementia. Obviously, that can't be helped during a doctor appointment. Let the doctor know ahead of time about your concerns so that he or she can make any adjustments that are possible. If lying down for tests would help, maybe they can do that. My heart goes with you. You may want to check with her primary doctor to see if a mild sedative would be wise. Watching this kind of struggle and the worry that goes with it is one of the hardest parts of caregiving.
Take care,
Carol see more
Some people don't like to be touched by strangers, and this could worsen with dementia. Obviously, that can't be helped during a doctor appointment. Let the doctor know ahead of time about your concerns so that he or she can make any adjustments that are possible. If lying down for tests would help, maybe they can do that. My heart goes with you. You may want to check with her primary doctor to see if a mild sedative would be wise. Watching this kind of struggle and the worry that goes with it is one of the hardest parts of caregiving.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do I do about my grandmother's strange behavior after her stroke?
I'd see a third doctor for another opinion. You are so right that for a 30-minute visit, many people with dementia can seem just fine... I'd see a third doctor for another opinion. You are so right that for a 30-minute visit, many people with dementia can seem just fine to a doctor. It's likely her stroke kicked in vascular dementia or another type of dementia that was coming on anyway. Certainly, she needs to be where she's safe. Please keep looking for doctors. You found one. Try again for the second one. Good luck! This is tough.
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Carol see more
Question
My mother has limited vision and is not real stable on her feet. Where shall I look and will Medicare pay the...
If you are asking about assisted living or nursing homes, Medicare will not pay the cost of living there. If her income is very limited,... If you are asking about assisted living or nursing homes, Medicare will not pay the cost of living there. If her income is very limited, and she qualifies for a nursing home, she could likely go on Medicaid which does pay for nursing home costs. Otherwise, she would pay out of pocket until her assets are low enough to qualify for Medicaid.
Medicare will pay for a limited time in a nursing home if someone goes to the home from a hospital or under doctors orders (in some cases). Your state laws also figure into this. I'd check with her doctor for advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Medicare will pay for a limited time in a nursing home if someone goes to the home from a hospital or under doctors orders (in some cases). Your state laws also figure into this. I'd check with her doctor for advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find a local support group?
Call your local Area Agency on Aging, if you have one. If not, the Alzheimer's association should be able to direct you to support... Call your local Area Agency on Aging, if you have one. If not, the Alzheimer's association should be able to direct you to support groups. Other non-profit social services organizations can generally give you this information, too. Good for you! Please look until you find one. If nothing else, you can let your church or synagogue know you'd like to start one. You are not alone in this, I can assure you!
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Question
Brother fooled Mother into beliving she was going to CA for 7 day trip. Will not Allow return to home is tryin...
Please do see an attorney, preferably an elder law attorney. This needs to be straightened out legally.
Carol
Carol
Question
How do my two sisters and I decide if we should place mom in nursing home?
Sometimes it's harder for an elder to change living situations such as your mother has been doing, than people realize. For some elders... Sometimes it's harder for an elder to change living situations such as your mother has been doing, than people realize. For some elders that works, but for many it's just confusing, where living in one place can help them feel safe.
I'm not excusing your sister, however if she truly is unable to provide the extensive care your mother needs, then the situation isn't good for your mother. Even if your sister just doesn't want to provide that kind of care anymore - if she did so reluctantly - that wouldn't be good for your mother, either. Your mother would likely pick up on your sister's attitude and feel like a burden.
It sounds like your mom needs a great deal of care. She goes to day care, so she has some experience being in that type of setting. She may be better off in a nursing home where you can visit her as a refreshed daughter, rather than provide constant care the way you are doing. You need a break from this, and you mother could benefit. Best of luck. If you can work this out with your sister, that's great. But I have my doubts. It may be time for a change.
Carol see more
I'm not excusing your sister, however if she truly is unable to provide the extensive care your mother needs, then the situation isn't good for your mother. Even if your sister just doesn't want to provide that kind of care anymore - if she did so reluctantly - that wouldn't be good for your mother, either. Your mother would likely pick up on your sister's attitude and feel like a burden.
It sounds like your mom needs a great deal of care. She goes to day care, so she has some experience being in that type of setting. She may be better off in a nursing home where you can visit her as a refreshed daughter, rather than provide constant care the way you are doing. You need a break from this, and you mother could benefit. Best of luck. If you can work this out with your sister, that's great. But I have my doubts. It may be time for a change.
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Question
Can you "force" someone into assisted living?
If you have POA for health you certainly can contact her doctors. It's common for someone to "pass" with a doctor. They often... If you have POA for health you certainly can contact her doctors.
It's common for someone to "pass" with a doctor. They often want to impress the doctor and appear at their best. Also, most people fear change, and they don't want the doctor to suggest change, so they "ac"t their way through an appointment.
Recording her calls is a good idea. You could try assisted living if she isn't too disabled. She could be very lonely and afraid even though she may not even realize it. Once she is around people, her panic may end.
Otherwise, please look into nursing homes. I don't know where you live, but in many parts of the country, nursing homes have made great strides forward and are really very good.
I can't emphasis enough the value of socialization for elders. Isolation can contribute to all kinds of problems, and even the best care from adult children and grandchildren can't replace the feeling of living in a safe environment. She may complain about moving to a facility at first, but I expect she'll eventually learn to like the companionship and the feeling of safety. Please look into a move for her.
Carol see more
It's common for someone to "pass" with a doctor. They often want to impress the doctor and appear at their best. Also, most people fear change, and they don't want the doctor to suggest change, so they "ac"t their way through an appointment.
Recording her calls is a good idea. You could try assisted living if she isn't too disabled. She could be very lonely and afraid even though she may not even realize it. Once she is around people, her panic may end.
Otherwise, please look into nursing homes. I don't know where you live, but in many parts of the country, nursing homes have made great strides forward and are really very good.
I can't emphasis enough the value of socialization for elders. Isolation can contribute to all kinds of problems, and even the best care from adult children and grandchildren can't replace the feeling of living in a safe environment. She may complain about moving to a facility at first, but I expect she'll eventually learn to like the companionship and the feeling of safety. Please look into a move for her.
Carol see more
Question
How do you deal with a mean spirited mother when you have given her the best quality of life?
Hi musiclover1, Your mother is controlling your life way beyond what is necessary or good for you. For your physical, mental and emotional... Hi musiclover1,
Your mother is controlling your life way beyond what is necessary or good for you. For your physical, mental and emotional health it's time to look for a nursing home. Of course, she'll complain. But she complains anyway. Your roommate sounds like a big help but you have no time to yourself. You deserve vacations and time away, which your mother won't "allow."
Letting your mother control you isn't helping either of you. She would appreciate your visits more (maybe) if she were in a nursing home and you were there when you could be. If not, what's new? You say she's mentally sharp, but she seems to have gotten more self-centered and controlling over time. That could indicate a form of dementia.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, I think it's time you got outside help with her and had some life of your own. Did you realize that 30 percent of caregivers die before those they care for? Please don't become one of them. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Your mother is controlling your life way beyond what is necessary or good for you. For your physical, mental and emotional health it's time to look for a nursing home. Of course, she'll complain. But she complains anyway. Your roommate sounds like a big help but you have no time to yourself. You deserve vacations and time away, which your mother won't "allow."
Letting your mother control you isn't helping either of you. She would appreciate your visits more (maybe) if she were in a nursing home and you were there when you could be. If not, what's new? You say she's mentally sharp, but she seems to have gotten more self-centered and controlling over time. That could indicate a form of dementia.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, I think it's time you got outside help with her and had some life of your own. Did you realize that 30 percent of caregivers die before those they care for? Please don't become one of them. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Is caregiver only for the elderly?
Hi Annmarie, You may qualify for SSI because of your anxiety disorder. The only way to find out is to apply through Social Security.... Hi Annmarie,
You may qualify for SSI because of your anxiety disorder. The only way to find out is to apply through Social Security. Unfortunately, it's a slow process. You could go to your state website and words such as "disability", "caregiver", paid "caregiver", and "caregiver adult child" into the search and see if your state offers any help for adult child caregivers. Most caregiver assistance is from the state level (other than veterans). You can also call you local social services for direction. Good luck. You've got a tough situation.
Carol see more
You may qualify for SSI because of your anxiety disorder. The only way to find out is to apply through Social Security. Unfortunately, it's a slow process. You could go to your state website and words such as "disability", "caregiver", paid "caregiver", and "caregiver adult child" into the search and see if your state offers any help for adult child caregivers. Most caregiver assistance is from the state level (other than veterans). You can also call you local social services for direction. Good luck. You've got a tough situation.
Carol see more
Question
What can aid and attendance be used for?
The most complete answers will come through the VA. The website www.va.gov should get you to the information you need. I believe that you... The most complete answers will come through the VA. The website www.va.gov should get you to the information you need. I believe that you can get help with many medical and health care needs, so please check the site.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How should I react when my mom tells me and her doctor that I have hurt her terribly by not going and doing th...
You are not a bad daughter. You are doing far more than many could do in your position. I'm so glad you are seeking counseling and help... You are not a bad daughter. You are doing far more than many could do in your position. I'm so glad you are seeking counseling and help for your depression. Please learn some detaching skills so that your mother's behavior doesn't eat you up. You'll need to learn how to ignore what she says to others and do what you can. You may be surprised to learn that most other people can see through her.
Could it be dementia (your mother)? Yes, it sounds very much like it could be. She really should be evaluated, if your dad can get her there. He sounds like he has his hands full as well. Please take care of yourself and do what you can do for your mother without feeling guilty for not doing more.
Carol see more
Could it be dementia (your mother)? Yes, it sounds very much like it could be. She really should be evaluated, if your dad can get her there. He sounds like he has his hands full as well. Please take care of yourself and do what you can do for your mother without feeling guilty for not doing more.
Carol see more
Question
My mother has become a very timid driver as she's aged. I don't want to limit her mobility but I worry about h...
She may simply be smart. She may rightly realize that her skills are limited now and fear is her motivator. If that's the case, ask her... She may simply be smart. She may rightly realize that her skills are limited now and fear is her motivator. If that's the case, ask her where she's comfortable driving and where she is not. Then try to take her places where she is afraid to drive and/or help transition her to senior ride vans (through senior centers), and other types of transportation. This is actually less of an issue than someone who insists that they are "fine" when they are not. Encourage her to share her concerns. Maybe a doctor can help with whatever issues she is having and she'll be fine for awhile, but if not, she needs to transition to safe a reliable transportation.
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Question
Dad is having bladder surgery and will need a catheter for a while; he has Alzheimer's and is very confused wi...
Hi Alice, I'm not going to pretend that this will be easy, though you may be lucky enough for him not to notice. More likely, he'll... Hi Alice,
I'm not going to pretend that this will be easy, though you may be lucky enough for him not to notice. More likely, he'll want to pull out the bothersome catheter. Have you (or has someone nearby) been trained to replace the catheter? He could cause damage and a lot of pain from just yanking it out, as they are generally held in by an air-filled balloon that needs deflating before the catheter is removed. I'd talk with the doctor in depth about how to handle this. You may need to use some sedating medication for the time he's got the catheter, if he repeatedly tries to remove it. Best of luck with this one - keep in touch with the doctor about problems.
Carol see more
I'm not going to pretend that this will be easy, though you may be lucky enough for him not to notice. More likely, he'll want to pull out the bothersome catheter. Have you (or has someone nearby) been trained to replace the catheter? He could cause damage and a lot of pain from just yanking it out, as they are generally held in by an air-filled balloon that needs deflating before the catheter is removed. I'd talk with the doctor in depth about how to handle this. You may need to use some sedating medication for the time he's got the catheter, if he repeatedly tries to remove it. Best of luck with this one - keep in touch with the doctor about problems.
Carol see more
What if a narcissistic mother needs more time then you can give?
I'm glad you wrote because just writing things down can sometimes make our path more clear. You must get some of this off your plate for your own health and sanity.
Our condolences and best wishes,
Carol see more