Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.

It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.

Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.

Have a blessed day

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M moonchild Oct 2012 · Answer 1 · 2012-10-01T22:05:03.000-0400

oh crap. *goes to look for the news*

A anonymous95109 Oct 2012 · Answer 2 · 2012-10-01T19:54:36.000-0400

Holy crap. What school bus accident. Guess I will go check Louisville news. Hope things are ok. Cat

K KentuckyKate Oct 2012 · Answer 3 · 2012-10-01T19:25:53.000-0400

Lisa, I hope you are safe and well. I've been seeing just a bit of information about the school bus accident and it's so worrisome.

S soulsister Oct 2012 · Answer 4 · 2012-10-01T19:22:26.000-0400

I'm pretty sure, Lisa, that you and hubby can handle anything and everything at this point. And by the way, reading your posts makes me hungrier than usual. Lisa, if someone were to remove uncooked food of any type from my freezer and return it in the form of one of your home-cooked meals, I'd be down on my knees in gratitude. And I am completely capable at this time. I have been so ill I needed and received angels like you in my life. Rest assured, whatever your heart is telling you to do is the right thing. Jeanne, you are beautiful through and through, and I hope to continue to love my hubby as you do yours, forever and ever, in word and deed, no matter what. So far so good, but only because I know women like you who make it look possible. I know it aint easy, by any stretch of anything (and these days, just about everything stretches ha ha ha!). Love to you all.

S Survived2 Oct 2012 · Answer 5 · 2012-10-01T10:13:43.000-0400

Yes Judy, she is. I LOVE IT!!! don't know bout my country boy doing the tights cat. He'd probably fear he'd lose the hair on his chest. Hahaha

J JudymW Sep 2012 · Answer 6 · 2012-09-30T22:26:41.000-0400

Jeanne - I'm glad it was a good day. You needed that.

J JudymW Sep 2012 · Answer 7 · 2012-09-30T22:24:41.000-0400

Cat ... You .... are...so.... mental!

A anonymous95109 Sep 2012 · Answer 8 · 2012-09-30T21:29:05.000-0400

Jeanne: Let me add a bit more. Talk to whoever is ordering the hospital bed and ask for an upgraded mattress. Doing this before makes the difference of having to buy it on your own.

A anonymous95109 Sep 2012 · Answer 9 · 2012-09-30T21:26:57.000-0400

Jeanne: If there is a will, there is a way and we know you will make it happen. So this is another step in your journey to keep him home and in familiar surroundings. Sounds like this was a good day for him and he is enjoying himself. That's a blessing and I know you are grateful for it.

When my dad came home from rehab, we had a hospital bed delivered via the social worker. The mattress was basic and I feared for my dad's skin since he arrived home with an open sore on his bottom. Medicare will pay for an upgraded mattress, but they don't pay for the air adjusted mattress that is best to prevent bed soars. They will only do this if the patient has bed soars. My dad's doc did allow us hospice care and their involvement was minimal, but they did give up an air filled top mattress that gave my dad the benefit of very good comfort and preventive measures for bed soars. He never had them and was always very comfortable.

Just passing on what I have experienced. You have done that for so many years and are a blessing to so many. I learned from reading your blog. You are a teacher at heart and a beautiful role model.

Love, Cat

A anonymous95109 Sep 2012 · Answer 10 · 2012-09-30T21:16:06.000-0400

Judy: You must be missing your hubby. Hahahaha.

Lisa: We know Doug has a cape, but how does he feel about blue tights. He can wear a cup. As Judy said, we will be gentle.

Seriously, it would be interesting to from his point of view. Don't know if he wants to share a lot, but we are here and we do love you both. My husband has lost both of his parents. Maybe we can hook up the guys too. Ah, I'm just blabbing, but you know what I mean. We all care.

Love you, Cat.

J jeannegibbs Sep 2012 · Answer 11 · 2012-09-30T21:16:03.000-0400

I guess even in this new stage my Hubby is in there will be good days and bad days. Today was pretty good! He was up eight hours, about double his average for the last three weeks. He was alert. He followed sports on tv. And he ate real food, with minimal coughing (compared to the popsicles and milk shakes most days). I finally got him in the tub tonight. I said, "I know you can't tell, but this soap smells good. I guess I must have bought it for my sake," and he said, "I don't mind using it for you." (LBDers lose their sense of smell.)

Cat, he is still at home, considered home-bound, and getting services such as a lab draw here instead of going into the clinic. Palliative care is often, but not always, a step before hospice. We are waiting for a hospital bed to be delivered. I sure don't know how we are going to cram it into our bedroom, but I'll buy a single bed for me if necessary.

Thank you all for your interest.

J JudymW Sep 2012 · Answer 12 · 2012-09-30T21:10:53.000-0400

Okay, so, Lisa, this is my second attempt at a comment. The first one I typed had "tube steak" instead of cube steak. OMG. I'm still laughing at myself. Had to delete and start over. Sheesh.

Sounds like a good dinner and a great phone call from fil to warm your heart. Well done! You're a good daughter in law.

Tell SuperDoug the cabana boy, that we'll be gentle with him if he chooses to talk with the KAW :)

P PunchNJudy Sep 2012 · Answer 13 · 2012-09-30T20:49:36.000-0400

Lisa, that sounds like it was a godsend, that meal you made. Comfort food that really served its purpose. God bless you for that--I think making and bringing a meal to someone is one of the single most appreciated and touching things a person can do for another person. By all means, make the food from the freezer and don't let it go to waste--maybe even a good, hearty beef soup or stew that can go back into the freezer and popped in a microwave for the winter when you may not be able to get over there again. Your goodness is so appreciated by them and that's so nice to hear, when I read so many posts where there is nary a "thank you" at all. God bless you and hope you had a great weekend! xo PJ

P PunchNJudy Sep 2012 · Answer 14 · 2012-09-30T20:42:36.000-0400

Hi friends...I got this email today--you may have seen it, but when I got it today it made me think of so many of the conversations I've seen here on the site. I'd like to share it with you--and oh yes--I wish you all enough, as you know. Love 2 All, PJ

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure of her plane.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said, "I love you, and I wish you enough."

The daughter replied, "Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough too, Dad."

They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

'Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?"

"I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is...the next trip back will be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone..." He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting..

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them...but then an entire life to forget them.

Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE...

To all my friends and loved ones,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH.

A anonymous95109 Sep 2012 · Answer 15 · 2012-09-30T17:06:46.000-0400

Jeanne: I read your blog today and left you a message on your site. When I first read your post here this morning, I thought what you were saying was that your husband would be going to a palative care program, (meaning not at your home) Now I am wondering if I misunderstood. Will he still be home with you?

Lisa: It is wonderful that you take meals to your in-laws and let them share meals together as a couple in their home. When my mom was alive, I always cooked for them and delivered everything to their table. They loved that and so enjoyed eating together and watching their shows, etc.

When my mom passed, Dad would most often come here for dinner and we would play games of cribbage afterword. I look back on that with fond memories of recounting of cards and poor loser attitudes.

Hugs everyone, Cat

S Survived2 Sep 2012 · Answer 16 · 2012-09-30T16:58:38.000-0400

Ok Jeanne. U and Doug make good sense. Sometimes I find it hard to step back and see the big picture. After seeing Mary in the hospital and out of her "comfort zone" it's very important to me to see that she's caused no anxiety in that department. Sil and I took her to beauty shop last week and her anxiety was so evident. Her beautician of over 30 years has offered to comme once a week to her home for only 5.00 more. (gas) and Jeanne, I've been reading today at your site. What an inspiration you are. Did you know you can only stay for 2 hours and they kick you off? Hahaha. Surprised the hell outta me. I've read some parts to Doug about when you handle his confusion and direct his thoughts down a different path. Doug could only say dam that's smart. Then he looks at me and says dam Lisa, are we gonna be able to get that good at this? Girls I know it these worries that are what keeps him up at nights. so I've shown him how to log on here. I told him any time he feels he has a question, or his fear gets the best of him to jump right on here and talk to all the KAW. I really hope he does. He already reads on here with me, so we shall see!

J jeannegibbs Sep 2012 · Answer 17 · 2012-09-30T16:21:58.000-0400

Lisa, first, can I come over and eat leftovers with you? That sounds like a great meal!

Second, do use the suplus meat in their freezer for your cooking. It is a way for them to feel a little less like taking charity. They contribute the meat, sometimes, and you contribute the cooking.

This reminds me of the cooking I did for our daughter's family, when she was a newly single mother of seven (!) and in school and working. I'd make a big meal and Hubby would deliver it while I cleaned up the kitchen, then we'd eat the portion I kept back for us. Unlike your in-laws, finances were very tight for her, so I didn't use anything from her freezer, but I think it makes sense in your situation. Now this daughter is the one helping me most with her Dad.

It is nice for your inlaws to be able to eat at their own table, at their own pace, without "company" to deal with. Sending them prepared meals is ideal. Sometimes, of course, you'd like to join them or have them over. But letting them still just be a couple is very considerate. You are a wonderful blessing to them.

S Survived2 Sep 2012 · Answer 18 · 2012-09-30T16:05:21.000-0400

Hi girls. I planned a great dinner for today. I made cubes steaks in gravy with onions. Fresh green beans, mashed taters, egg noodles and dinner rolls that took four hours to rise. Doug and I took pil's their plates and we weren't home ten minutes and the phone rang. It was ray. He was so pleased. They had already ate it! He wanted to thank me. He told me I don't have to cook for them and I am such a blessing to them both. He was very emotional which sent me there. He told me it's been months since Mary has eaten so much. She especially liked how I make my egg noodles. They were gone first. He went to the garage to call me because she wanted to, but just in case she forgets to call he wanted me to know. I told him there is plenty left over and I'll bring them each another plate tomorrow and they can eat leftovers. He laughed and told me he was hoping I would offer. He told me he wished he knew I was making cubes steaks. Apparently these past months she has been buying meat and has never cooked it. He wants me to start bringing it here to cook it. He counted 8 packs of cubes steak alone. Geeze. I don't know girls. Feel kinda funny taking food out of their freezer. Doug says bull. She dosen't cook anymore so it will sit there and get freezer burnt. So I don't know. Well see. I just needed to share this with you. This is what it's all about for me. Helping to care for 2 people I love so much who loves and appreciates me for what I do for them. I'm not used to this feeling, so I think I'll bask in it for a while. Love you guys! Lisa

M moonchild Sep 2012 · Answer 19 · 2012-09-30T14:40:19.000-0400

bewithusJesus, can i call you bwuJ? thank you for reading so many pages, and thank you for your kind letter. Welcome!

Lisa, I am so glad to hear about your peaceful weekend. I know how much you needed that. Hope you can carry it into ChuckECheese, LOL! The best part was hearing that your DMiL is looking/feeling better. Good thing that you DFiL was able to discuss the driving with her. It would be horrible if Doug had to, no one wants to have a child tell them what they can and cannot do. I'm going to write myself a letter for my kids to give me for when that day comes.

Jeanne, i'm sorry to hear about your husband having to move into pallative care. i know you will still be a loving and attentive wife and caregiver no matter where he is though. i have signed up for your blog by way of facebook.

i hope everyone is having a relaxing weekend; God Bless!

A anonymous95109 Sep 2012 · Answer 20 · 2012-09-30T12:52:08.000-0400

Jeanne: God Bless You and your dear husband. I just read your post and signed up for your blog. Like Lisa, I feel honored to be included in reading your personal journey. Sending you love and white light, Cat.

L ladee1 Sep 2012 · Answer 21 · 2012-09-30T07:52:03.000-0400

Jeanne, so sorry to hear about your husband... went to the site and sent my request.... please know we are here for you as you have been here for all of us... sending you prayers for strength and for you to know how loved and appreciated you are.... hugs across the miles to you and your husband

S Survived2 Sep 2012 · Answer 22 · 2012-09-30T06:40:25.000-0400

Cat, I'm glad you and Warren are able to keep yourselves busy. Just promise me you will give yourself as much time to grieve as you need. I think it's so important. Al sil didn't do that when her husband died last year. Thought she needed to be strong for everyone else. We got a call at 11 one nite. It was my niece telling us she had been crying for hours. It was their 37th anniversary. We stayed with niece on phone for a while to calm her fears. We knew it was coming. But she was up at 10 the next morning telling us it felt so good to just finally let go, and she's been so much better. Never be over it, but better. So take care of u my friend!!!

S Survived2 Sep 2012 · Answer 23 · 2012-09-30T06:32:41.000-0400

Awww Jean, I'm so sorry. I just went to your site and sent a request. I'm so honored that you are allowing us to follow this new journey you and hubby are about to embark on. When you posted you are sad I literally gasped. You and hubby are in my prayers. What an amazing partner you are to him. I'll keep checking in to see if you Accepted my request. Love you, lisa

A anonymous95109 Sep 2012 · Answer 24 · 2012-09-30T01:29:14.000-0400

Hi Lisa: I'm fine. I went to lunch with a friend yesterday. Haven't done that in ages and after lunch, I drove over to where my son and husband were and popped in to see their progress. Nick and his girl friend are moving into a condo in town and leaving country living behind. That means poor dad has to help sonny move his stuff again. At least this time Nick got a moving van and paid two guys to load the big stuff and unload it at the condo. That made things much easier, but moving is always hard work. Also, Nick has a huge salt water aquarium, so he and dad spent today doing all the necessary steps to move it and set it up again. Plus, dear old dad had to build a cabinet for it (super sturdy is a necessity) to set the aquarium on in the new place. Inside the cabinet goes a secondary tank with plants that act as a bio-filter and feeds water into the main aquarium so the water level always stays constant. It's quite a set up.

So Warren has been busy the past few days. I've had my little yard projects and have been staying busy too. We finally moved back into the MBR. It's been a year since we slept in that room. And it did feel sad to be moving in there. In a way, it didn't feel like our room anymore. Felt more like my dad's room. Nevertheless, we made the move and we have both slept so much better. It felt so good to be back in our King size bed again. I think sometime in the future we will make some changes to our bedroom. Do some things to just make it different. Kind of like a new start, but for now it's fine.

Tomorrow will be a week. I miss my dad and have moments when these pangs of sadness hit me, but all in all I doing ok. I am always comforted to know that he is free of this earth and in a far better place. Those thoughts always make me happy for him.

Lisa: Glad Mary is looking better and hopefully feeling better too. Hope FIL gets over his cold.

Judy: You are never far from my thoughts.

Sending you all love and white light. Cat

J JudymW Sep 2012 · Answer 25 · 2012-09-30T01:15:53.000-0400

No more phone calls... Ahhhh.... peace reigns without the DQ. Poor Doug. Sleepless nights are horrible. I hope you can get him to take the medication. Sometimes, just that first full night of sleep after being awake night after night, makes a world of difference, like you remember how good it feels to be rested. Tell him to take the dang medication!

Quiet and calm watching horror movies? OMG! I'd be having a heart attack. Seriously, I freak out over horror movies and then I can't sleep for months. I'm a huge baby when it comes to scary. I can take gross (hell, I can probably hold sh*t in one hand and eat out of the other), but I can't take scary.

Glad mil looks better with her medications. So nice that fil addressed the driving issue with her, and it wasn't something that Doug had to do. That's so hard. Been there, done that. It wasn't pretty or easy.

Chuck e Cheese....Oh, man... I think I'd rather watch a horror movie!! Actually, the time you spend at the pizza place and Toyr R Us will mean more to the great nephew than if you had gone to his party, don't you think?

Cat is frikkin superwoman. I'm in awe. She gets a special KAW cape. Or glitter on her tuna cans. Something.

My boy goes to the gastroenterologist Monday - that's so sweet of you to remember him- thank you. My son feels better, and looks better. Well, he looks healthier, not necessarily better. He's decided to grow out his beard. OMG. He looks like a lumberjack. I'm just hoping he doesn't decide to grow it out to the ZZ Top stage. He'll be looking like one of those Duck Commander guys soon.

Glad you checked in, and you sound good. I miss you when you're not around! xx, J.

Jeanne - Just read your comment - You're in my thoughts tonight, and I wish I could give you a real hug.

J jeannegibbs Sep 2012 · Answer 26 · 2012-09-30T00:12:52.000-0400

Lisa, that sounds so good! You deserve a calm weekend.

I am feeling sad tonight. My husband was placed in the palliative care program last week. We are waiting for a hospital bed. I think it has finally hit me that we are on a new leg of this journey, and I am mourning a little.

S Survived2 Sep 2012 · Answer 27 · 2012-09-29T23:53:33.000-0400

Hi Judy! Be with ya in just a minute.

Bewithusjesus: thank you so much for your kind words. And for reading every post. We would love to hear why your here on ac. So I'll pop over to check it out!

Judy: hey sista! No more phone calls bout or from DQ. Al sil came in a week early. So Doug and I have had a very relaxing weekend so far. We popped in for a couple of hours to visit with her and she told us to go. Do something together. I've got things this weekend. She told me she was more worried about Doug this weekend. And I worry too. He just can't seem to get him a good nights sleep. His 4 month checkup was this week, sugar staying high. So dr gave him a med to help him sleep. Hasn't taken it yet. So we'll see. Fil has a cold from hell. Mil tried to find her car keys and fil had to finally address the driving issue with her. not happy at all. So Doug and I went to rent some horror movies. (our fav) our 3 yr old great nephews bday party was today. Feel a little guilty cause we didn't go. But geeeze Judy. It felt so good to spend time together watching movies. Quiet and calm. So next weekend we will pick him up and take him to chuck cheese and toys r us. Mil hasn't changed her mind about heart surgery. But I gotta say, she looks so good since she is taking medications. Told us she isn't going back to anymore drs. Sigh. Wutever! Heeheehee.
Hope cats holding up ok. Can't wait to hear from her. How's your boy doing? Hope he's back to 100% now?

J JudymW Sep 2012 · Answer 28 · 2012-09-29T23:06:46.000-0400

Lisa, what's the latest? Just thought I'd let you know that you're on my mind. xx, J.

S soulsister Sep 2012 · Answer 29 · 2012-09-29T22:57:39.000-0400

I just finished getting to "know" you all by reading through this entire thread, whenever I have had a spare moment for the past many days? weeks? I'm not even sure how long I've been following you. You women are beyond-words amazing and inspiring. Lisa, I betcha I had more than one school bus driver as remarkable and perfect and strong and wonderful as you are. When I next meet someone with what all you have to teach me, Lord help me, open my ears, heart and eyes. Bless you all in our individual and common humanity. I shall tear up at every bench on my favorite bike trail and every scene of mother/child love I witness forever as I think of all of you the rest of my life. I'll share why I am here later. For now, suffice to say, I weep for us all in hope and joy. If we can't do it, no one can! You go where ONLY KAW can go, and you look good doing it, I just know it.

K Kimbee Sep 2012 · Answer 30 · 2012-09-29T15:19:49.000-0400

Hi all, been busy but thinking of you all. Punch glad u r back w us, n liked the dad stories. Cat n Lisa, hope u all r hanging in there. Headed out to some other threads to see what's going on w everybody else. Luv to all, kimbee

Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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