My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I had the freezing, frigid cold from within feeling the night he died, and sandwiched between that and the man in the window, this happened. Soon after he had died, maybe two weeks or so, I was sitting in our living room where we used to live. We had these upholstered chairs that swiveled and I was chatting on the phone with my daughter this one evening, and of all things, we were talking about my mother. No one was home and the house was very quiet, and as I was sitting there, I became aware of something hitting the back of the chair. Like it had been lightly 'punched.' I hadn't given it much thought. Our golden retriever was there, so I subconsciously thought she had walked behind the chair and bumped it. I was still carrying on the conversation and I was re-thinking the bump I felt, so I swiveled the chair around to see if it was our dog, and there she was, sound asleep on the floor under the dining room table, a whole room away. So--what hit the back of the chair? It was enough to feel it and slightly 'move' the chair. I don't mind telling you, I was kind of freaked out about that--it kind of scared me because I sensed a negative kind of energy after that. Was he upset with me that I was talking about my mother? He certainly was no big 'fan' of hers, so it was puzzling...and it was soon after he died. The only thing I can think was that the matching chair next to it was where I can remember sitting one day and I was alone in the house and I was crying for him--but it was one time when I really let it out. Ever notice how you stifle crying? I know I do, but this one day I cried like a child. Wailed, grieved and cried as loudly as I felt like it. I never cry like that. I wondered if he had been there with me that day and knew it, crying and talking to him like that, saying "oh daddy, daddy" over and over again. I never did that before or ever again, just that one time. Ironically, on the day of my father's funeral, we learned of the death of a very dear neighbor who lived directly across the street from us. There was, as I said, a feeling of alot of energy surrounding us during that period of time. It's so apparent, it is palpable. But the chair incident was no less bizarre as the outline in the window except that was unmistakeable. That was undeniably a "vision."
Then there was what I was sure was an 'out of body' experience I had during the night. I tried to read up on these things, since I had heard about them and it was so intriguing to me. I can't call it a dream, because I've had other fleeting dreams of him, but this was totally different, and Cat, I can tell you, if you ever have this experience, don't let it upset you, because initially it did me, and it was because of the content of this experience I had with him. I was meeting him on a street and waiting for him, and then, there he was. I was thrilled, but he was very standoff-ish to me. I was questioning him and I wasn't alone, someone else was there with me, not sure if it was my mother or not, but we were grilling him. I went to kiss him but he was not even like my father, more like a stranger. I asked him how he was doing and he told me he was 'very busy.' I asked him again what it was like for him, what was he doing and he held up a hand and said that he was working with Michael the Archangel and he couldn't stay with me very long. He also mentioned doing the work of a particular kind of church. (I never even heard of the name of that church he mentioned before. It began with the letter "C" and I can't remember now what it was-I want to say 'charismatic' but that wasn't it.) I ran that church word by a few people back then and no one knew what I was talking about. Probably why I forgot the word.) It felt like he was on "leave" from his post and that he had to return quickly, didn't have alot of time away. He wanted to walk away from me and go back to wherever with Michael presumably and I wanted to hug him and kiss him--so I went to hug him, which he allowed me to do, but he did not even hug me back. I was confused and kind of feeling hurt, after all I was his daughter that I knew he adored. When I got up that day I could still feel that I had hugged him.
I wanted so much to keep him there and talk to him, but it was so clear at that moment that he was no longer of the earth and he had much, much bigger and more important things to do than anything of an earthly nature, including me. He really wasn't like my dad anymore, he belonged to heaven. And I understood and felt kind of peaceful after this experience because I knew he had really fully passed on and was so content now. This was a man who positively thrived on hard physical work and that experience stayed with me and still stays with me because I knew how my father hated to be idle and when God took him home, he immediately knew he had a true soldier return.
If others have these experiences, please do let me hear them. I know I am not the only one who can attest to these events--and Cat, I'd be really interested to hear what your sister has to say. I won't be surprised in the least if he wants to finish some business with her. You know, we stayed in that room with him from morning until late afternoon, all of us, only leaving individually to go to the bathroom or eat or whatever when he was unconscious and some part of me kept thinking he might bounce back since he had done that SO many times before. His home health aide was with us that whole day, and when she said "I'll stay with him, go...all of you...have dinner" we said ''ok'' and don't you know, that was when he died, when ALL of us left the room. I never went back into that room to see him. The next time I did was at his viewing. We must really have had unfinished business. That last experience was the last one I ever had. Except of course, those weird days waking up in tears for no apparent reason!
Much love--thanks for letting me share these experiences with all you sweet people. Though we will probably never meet, I feel a real closeness to all of you!
PJ
As you may know, my brothers came to see my dad 2 weeks before he passed. He was so happy to have them with him. My sister, however, did not come. She didn't come when my mom was dying either.
My sister is someone who is open to visitations. She felt my mom connected with her. Maybe she will hear from my dad too. She was very special to them.
Hugs, Cat
After my dad passed, I held his hand to my face and said a prayer to God, asking him to take my dad to him and also thanking him for letting me be with my dad for those many hours before his passing. After that, I went out of the room to get the nurse. Warren was just coming in the door to my dad's room and I told him Dad was gone. He stayed with my dad and I got the nurse so we could confirm his death.
After that, I was ready to leave. I felt no compulsion to linger. After the nurse finished with her confirmation, I went over to my dad and held him tight and told him I loved him one more time. My dad was nowhere in that room. He was gone and his spirit freed.
So Punch, I agree with you that some spirits linger and some don't. My dad knew I loved him and I knew that he loved me. He also knew that I would be ok. I had told him before he died that he didn't need to worry about any of us. We would all be fine and he needed to go be with mom. We would join him when our time came.
My dad never was one to linger. Now that I think of it, I'm reminded of when we took my dad to dinner with some neighbor friends. We all visited and had dinner and visited. When it was time to leave I asked my dad if he was ready to go. He said, "I've been ready to go for the last hour."
I miss my dad, but he had my permission to leave and he was out of there. I left right behind him and felt no need to linger. I can hear him saying, I was ready to go an hour ago.
Love you all, Cat
I am so glad you are working to get your life back. Your mother will do whatever she can to make you feel like it is a useless attempt or that you are being mean and hateful to her. Just hang in there and stay strong until it is all straightened out. You have every right to protect your family and your own well being. I know from experience that you can't deal with an addiction problem yourself. It takes professionals to deal with addiction. Your mother is responsible for putting herself in her current mess, not you!
Good Luck to you and HANG IN THERE!
beck and others -wonderful experiences you have shared. I have some similar from my father and from Gordie. They help as do dreams. There is lots we don't understand, but I am convinced our loved ones are not too far away.
((((((hugs))))) to all Joan
Cat: praying for you and the family and holding you close to my heart!!!
When my mom passed, I never felt her presence, but it was a hugely stressful time. It was December and snowing and she was in Seattle at the hospital. I'd been there for a week by her side. My brother finally came up and relieved me so I could go home (2 1/2 hours away). But once I got home, I knew I needed to come back and bring my dad to see her. My husband had been bringing dad back and forth to seem mom while I was at the hospital with her. But then hubby left to go to see our son and Granddaughter in No. Dakota. He had made these plans much in advance and was going alone because we could not both be gone at the same time. He offered to stay home, but he really needed to get his kid fix so I pleaded with him to just go.
Of course, I had to make a couple more trips with my dad to see mom and we got caught in a couple of snow storm, navigated accidents. It was so stressful and so cold, 14 degrees, which is so crazy with being on the ocean. So, again, maybe I was just shut down and only able to do what was absolutely necessary. My dad saw my mom many times after her passing, but I never felt her close by.
My niece, who was 21, underwent surgery for a cochlear implant in 2011, right after my dad had his stroke. During the surgery, she saw my mom and spent time talking to her. She told Amy to tell my dad that she loved him. It was the first thing Amy talked about when she came out from under the anesthetic. Of course, I passed that onto my dad and it made him so happy. There was no doubt in his mind that my mom had visited Amy.
So today it was out in the garden for me. I trimmed by a big hedge that had taken over 3 feet of our deck. It didn't feel spiritual, more like work, but it was good to get some things accomplished. Dug up some pots that contained bulbs and split them up and re-potted. During the process, I felt myself being a bit stressed and rushed. I realized I was thinking, "OK, I'll get this done today and make up for it by spending more time with dad tomorrow." I am just so use to feeling like I need to be in two places at one time. It was so strange to remember Dad isn't hear now. There is no need to feel stressed, guilty or rushed. I can work on this tomorrow too. So, I realize that I am working on adjusting to the new normal.
I would love for my dad and mom to visit me. Don't know if that will ever happen, but I envy those of you who have had that experience. On the other hand, I am grateful for the many intimate hours I spent by my dad's side while he passed into the next world. If that's all I get, I'll take it and be grateful.
Love and hugs to all of you, Cattails
Lisa, as Kimbee so beautifully said it...thanku for bringing us together as a family...i have immense admiration for wat u have endured...u r to be admired, n i think the world of u...huge hugs from CA...n much respect to u....
I dont mean to sound like some ghost story teller, but i jst wanted u to kno that i have lived in the very spirit of a loved one who has passed on....Pop helped strengthen my spirit....he stayed around me until he felt i was strong enough to stand on my own, without him....I will, forever, miss that beautiful man....but after i regained my strength, i wrote him a song entitled. "Your Legacy Lives On"..n performed it at a private, family gathering...n Pop helped me thru that, too..I love n miss u, Pop....forever n always....
Cat....May the journey ahead b filled with ur dad's spirit n kno that he will carry u on those days wen u r too weak to stand on ur own....I love u, Cat...
My heart goes out to you!
You are blessed to have parents you had good relations with, and, that you were able to do such a wonderful job of caring for!
That, as hard as it was, is a gift, even though such a loss.
{{{{hugs!}}}}
Thank you so much for your sharing, and support all during your stressful times.
I wish you healing, and return of Joy; May Grace sustain your heart to heal!
Hey, everyone: Thank you so much for all the kind and heartfelt wishes. Today has been one of arrangements and many phone calls. Tomorrow, I will be home and the autumn weather is so beautiful. I plan to be spending some time in my garden. I always feel that is so peaceful and spiritual. I will be thinking of my dad and my mom, hoping that they are enjoying the wild flowers and the company of all those who passed before them.
I talked to my 91 year old Aunt today. The one remaining sister of my mom. It was sad to tell her that dad had passed, but we keep in touch and she knew it was coming. My mom was one of four daughters and they all married and lived in close proximity to each other. I remember all the holiday gatherings we had with my Grandparents. My Aunt is now the only one left. Her husband has passed as well as one of her two sons. Nevertheless, she was really quick to tell me that she was glad the care of my parents was no longer on my shoulders and she was grateful for all I had done for them over the past 8 years, etc. It was so gracious and kind of her. She took a little time to reminisce, but the main message to me was they are all together now and my dad will have a hard time getting a word in edge wise with my Uncle Walter (her husband). I'm so glad that she is at peace with my dad's passing.
I also talked to my dad's two remaining sibs in Wales, along with my cousin there. It's so wonderful that we all connected over the years, since 2000, when I made a trip to Wales and spent time with them. They came to visit my dad here in 2006 and we took my dad to see them in 2009.
Tying up the loose ends, I can still feel my dad in my arms, my fingers smoothing his hair and my hand in his. Tomorrow I will work in the garden and be with God and the beauty of his creations.
Send you all love, thanks, and the whitest of light. Cat