My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Matthew. Where in the Bible does it say that it is God trying to teach Lisa and her family through this test? Have you read the book of Job? Satan told God that people worshipped God for selfish reasons. Allow the devil to Test God’s loyal worshippers. Then Satan proceeded to cause boils on Job. He lost his wife and children and land, etc…All throughout the Book of Job, Job Thought it was God testing him. But if you read it carefully, God gently reprimanded Job for this belief but He also rewarded Job for being loyal despite all these problems. And this is in the Old Testament.
For those who are into the New Testament, when Jesus was on earth. In Revelation 12: 7, it shows that there was a war in heaven, and Michael (Jesus) and his angels threw down the dragon (Satan) and his angels out of heaven and were sent to the earth. The dragon called Devil and Satan, who is MISLEADING THE ENTIRE EARTH.
So, Matthew, please do NOT preach on this site unless you can back it up with the Bible Scriptures! Lisa, God is NOT testing you and your family. It is Satan and his devils. I mean, Gee Whiz! Satan even tried to tempt Jesus! (Matthew 4:1)
So Back off, Mattew! Shame on you for using the name Matthew and twisting the Bible to fit YOUR version or interpretation!
visual! Hope things going better at home. Miss n luv u all. Please keep us in ur prayers, we r struggling. Praying for all of you, hugs kimbee
Lisa, my sis talked to him on the phone a couple of weeks ago. It's better than nothing, but a physical hug would mean a lot to him. She hasn't seen him in over a year. She's not an evil person, it's just easier for her to live her life with her head stuck in the ground. I know I have to accept that. I just hope I can forgive it.
Thanks for letting rant.
Cat
Cat, Austin,Jeanne: thank you. Frustrating when someone try's to tell me how to pray to god. And how god will respond. As I've said before, I own my relationship with god. And that relationship is a loving and thankful relationship.
Went to PIL when I got done with morning run. Mary not so foggy this morning. She's so week. Pt and ot therapist will be coming 3 days a week for now. She needs it badly. All of us have discussed and a agreed there will be a padlock on basement door. She is so hung up on the laundry. It will be put on from the other side so she dosen't see it. They have a walk out basement so when needed we will go thru from outside. Sil and I took care of insurance forms for fil cancer policy and in the mail. Fil feeling weak and was going to bank. He sat down 4 times drained. I just gave him my aggravated look and said are you going to tell me? He said hon I'm feeling really tired this morning. He and I had a few words last week. Not Harsh, but stern. I told him I'm tired of playing the guessing game of how he's feeling and he needs to use the tongue god gave him to help me out. He told me I'm getting awfully bossy these days. So he asked me if I would take his deposit to the bank. So finally he's asking for help.
Have I mentioned lately I love you guys? Honestly don't know what I'd do without you!!! Lisa
Cat, with regards to sis, do what I did one time when mom was close to death's door. I emailed to all my siblings off-island. Stated the situation, and said that I think it would be best if they came home before she died for closure. IOnly 1 came home, 3 stayed back. But, at least I said what needed to be said. If mom had died, I know that I did my best to bring everyone here. It's now up to the individual. Any any future incidents, I email but no long letter of plea. They're adults, they're decision.
Aside from my hopes and my prayers, the reality is you all have a lot to contend with. Mary has dementia, she has suffered a heart attack and a stroke.
I know you realize that and I know that you have an amazing family who will be there to do whatever is necessary. I'm just so sorry this has happened. You are a blessing to her and Ray; to your husband and us. Praying for you all.
Caregiver: It's always easier to get mad and throw in the towel when your dysfunctional parent attacks your child. Why is it that it's ok for her to beat you up with her demands and unkind comments on a continual basis? Can you see yourself as the daughter you love? Can you love yourself the way you love your child. I hope so. You deserve it.
Well, as you can all tell, I've been feeling a little pissy myself lately. Second brother arrived today and spent time with my dad. My dad is not doing very good today. My sister will not be coming. She didn't when my mom died. Current visiting bro will be leaving on Saturday. Then it's back to just me to see this to the end.
Went to dinner tonight with hubby and bro and found myself getting emotional about my sister. I'm angry with her for not coming to see dad. I know he would love to see her. He has done so much for her over the years. He just adores her. I am just so pissed that she leaves me to fill the void. I can't fill it and it's painful to me that I can't give my dad something that I know he would love to have. I think I feel worse right now than I ever have in the past.
Cat
Where were you when Hitler came into power. Who knew that you could have cured him in just 30 days. Think of the millions of lives that could have been saved.
Ok, maybe that's over the top. How about gays. Can you cure them in 30 days?
Too hard. Ok, how about the person confined to a wheel chair. Will 30 days do or do you need 45.
Ok, let's forget that. Your specialty is mental illness. Does the 30 days only apply to blood relatives?
care only. A few yrs ago, they seemed to overlook a little outing to combat boredom; I suspect that would no longer be the case.
The other thing that sometimes happens with Sr's n home services, they r mad about decreased independence n deny needed services, or try to fire the provider. While patients need the services a dr rx'ed, they don't always think they need them, or don't understand why they need services that bring a stranger in their home. So beware of this-some patients will assert the services aren't needed and promptly fire the provider. Once this is done, Medicare does not view starting a service that was not direct from hosp discharge, as a medically necessary service n will disallow payment. If there is a legitimate issue w provider, it has to be handled properly in order to change providers w/o losing billable status (i. e. No gap in care). Might be good for someone in family to be around for the appointments, to prevent any service "disruptions" that could be potentially avoided. Also, 2 or more will be helpful in learning what is taught / suggested. It is a lot to keep up w. I hope Mary is more comfortable at home, hospitals are not too restful places. I was sad to hear shed had a stroke too. Is she steady on her feet? I hope you, Doug, Mary, Ray and rest of family are holding on, you've had a rough few months. We are still praying for you all to have some peace, healing and more strength to keep trudging along this difficult path you face. Lisa we love you and are so impressed with how you have been through so much, and can be so wonderful and present in such a meaningful way for Doug's family. Proud of you, luv & hugs to each of you, Kim
This stage of his Alz is progressing rapidly... it makes me so sad, to think this time last year he and i was in the yard picking up sticks.... and now he can not be left alone for any time at all, is walking in a shuffle, this has gotten worse just in the last month.....
Lisa, happy to hear MIL is home... that will make a difference for her... and the stroke explains some of the behaviours too... bless her heart.... prayers for all of you.... the one thing you will hear from those of us dealing with the many kinds of Alz/dementia, is that no two people are the same... Read as much as you can, and keep an open mind and realize none of it really follows a pattern... or what works for some will not work for others...thank God for this sight, so we can get so many different ideas and suggestions.... Everyone of dealing with this hates this disease... and Sharyn doing it again.... amazing.... no one can ever accuse of being sissys ..... love and hugs..tired, need to get some sleep...
Kim, I do hope you get home PT and OT set up. It would be so much easier for all of you. Cardboard instead of landscape fabric - that is a great idea!!!!
Lisa - hope Mary is settling in a little, and that Doug, sil and Ray are catching on. So much has happened so quickly. It wil take a while for them to "digest it" all. (((((((Hugs)))))) and prayers for all.
I have been thinking about dealing with delusions, and, of course, with dementia and other diseases the underlying condition cannot be corrected.The brain is not working properly. I don't have experience with dealing with people with dementias but I did have similar experience when working with children and teens who were then called "disturbed and retarded" - nowadays I suppose called emotionally and mentally challenged. One girl, in particular, was diagnosed schizophrenic, and had some pretty bizarre behaviours and ideas. We were instructed by the resident psychiatrist to correct her with comments like. "Denise, that is not so", It made her behaviours worse. So I decided I had to join her world, while maintaining contact with mine, and gently lead her out. It worked. What was important, I think, was that I related to her in a way she could appreciate - that we connected - which meant me going to her reality, not requiring that she come to mine. This is not, of course completely analagous to the situation with Mary, and others with dementia, but there are similarities. When I corrected her she became more agitated, when we connected, any way I could figure out, she relaxed.
I have been busy trying to get mom to all her appt's, w PT, it's a big strain. Therapist can see we can barely do it, n thinks she needs home PT N OT, which he is setting up for me w someone he notes is in the same league as Tia Snow ( is that the right name Ladee?). She will also be able to do some free consults w us via a hospice and give referrals to more local sources for us to get more help. I'm excited n grateful. I can't keep up this pace. It's hard, but also worth the effort. I am grateful to have my mom w us, I see many heartbreakers, but just as much counter-balancing treasured moments of joy. We r having trouble keeping up w our outdoors, so Cat, I'm glad u got some time in the yard. I tried replacing some landscape fabric this year w cardboard-I am astonished at how much better it is working. Easy, cheap n more effective. Plan to add it to some trouble spots this fall. Luv, hugs, prayers and joy to all of the kick ass women and their families.
But it is not lack of information that causes the delusions. It is tangles or plaques or clumps or some other condition in the brain. My husband has aggregates of alpha-synuclein and ubiquitin protein ("Lewy bodies") in his brain. No amount of telling him the room he is in is our kitchen and not a bus station is going to change that. I cannot "teach" him what is reality. I can try to protect him from the consequences of his delusions (diverting him from going out to the curb to wait for the bus), but I can't fix the fundamental cause of his confusion.
People have to accept the organic nature of dementia, I think, before all the expert advice about not arguing wih delusions makes sense. I'm sure you'll be gentle with your SIL. Emjo is right -- we all want to fix what is wrong, and it is so very, very difficult to accept the limits of our power to do so.
We have another kind of power, though. We can make our loved ones' lives calmer, less fearful, more serene. We can envelop them in love. We can assure them we'll be there for them, and take care of them, even when they think they are in a bus station or the laundry is downstairs.
Hugs to you all.
Love hugs and prayers for all of you
Joan
Jeanne: Thanks for your good suggestions. My heart goes out to you and your dear husband.
Spent some nice time with my brother today. He's been such a great help with my dad. He leaves Thursday, but my other brother, David, arrives Thursday and will be here until Saturday.
Sending love and white light to everyone. Cat
Here is a small practical suggestion, that may keep things a little calmer. Try not to correct Mary's delusions. If she is going downstairs to do the laundry, tell her that you're sorry but you put a load of towels in a few minutes ago, so it isn't available right now, and Ray just laid down for a nap. Then change the subject. There is no need to convince her of where she is. That won't change anything and may just upset her more.
Last night my dear husband was heading through the kitchen with a full plastic bag in his hand. I asked where he was going and he said, kind of anxiously, that he was going to the bus. I looked at the clock and said, sorry, the last bus left at 6:25. I guess the trip will have to wait until tomorrow. How about if I help you to bed now? And that is what we did. His little bag, by the way, was full of other plastic bags, a map of Glacier Park, and a heavy sweatshirt. He had his wallet in one pocket and a salt shaker in another pocket. Sigh. Dementia is heart breaking.
Back in the beginning I might have tried to convince Hubby where he really was, that the kitchen is not a bus station, that travelling with a salt shaker didn't make any sense, etc. But I know through experience and lots of reading that all that is pointless. Better to just get him unstuck from the delusion and help him with what needs to be done.
I hope this isn't coming across as a criticism, but it would be easier on everyone to not try to argue Mary out of her strange beliefs. Just give her a reason why she doesn't need to do the laundry or catch the bus or check on Ray or whatever delusion she is experiencing, and comfort her in the moment.
Plan for the worst, but hope for the best and let each day unfold. This disease is not predictable. Hospital stays are very, very hard on people with dementia. Just be there for her, and know that your are not necessarily looking at a permanent state of affairs.
Hugs to all of you!
M had to be put in the hospital today for her next set of transfusions, S will be out of control by tomorrow as she is a constant in his world....and we are not telling him she is in the hospital, just that she is at the Dr's.... no sense in adding to his anxiety.....
And she will be worried about him while she is gone... it's just the way it is when two people have been together as long as they have... but those vows mean something to them, thru sickness and health.... with or with out Alz, love is the same...
All we can do is love you and Doug and your extended family, and be grateful that things happened as they did with your mom, so you would have some of this behind you and be able to concentrate on you MIL....
And if this is to be the future norm for you MIL, then this is the place you start from... it's the disease , not her.... hard to keep that up front i know... because all of you are totally out of your comfort zone with this..... just know you are loved, Doug and his family are loved, you are never alone, no matter the time of day or night... just know one of us is awake and praying..... love and hugs across the miles...