My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
:D
1. Putting Lisa's mom in jail is a totally BS solution. That's just ridiculous.
2. Restraining order is not necessary.
In summary; DQ is out of Lisa's house, no one would recommend she be returned there. Lisa would not allow it. That problem is solved. It may be that Lisa's mom does not want to live on her own and maybe that type of life is just to boring for her. Not enough drama. The facility where she now lives may also decide that DQ is more drama than they bargained for and her constant hospitalizations/rehab needs put her out of the bounds of what they want to deal with on a daily basis. No problem, another living environment will come along with the help of Beth at Social Services.
In my opinion, this will be an ongoing situation with DQ. It really can't be any other way and given her history and mental health issues and it would be naive to think other wise. Nevertheless, it will work out. She's back in her favorite rehab and she'll move somewhere else from there. Lisa, just go with the flow. It will be ok.
My granddaughter, Amanda, looked so beautiful on her wedding day. I will be posting pictures on FB. She is a beautiful young lady, but I can't tell you how beautiful she was on her wedding day. Her hair was beautiful, her wedding dress was classic and timeless. The ceremony was so tender and heart felt. The looks and words she and Brad exchanged just let you see into their souls. I have never been more proud of her and I could write pages about why I feel this way.
She had a long week of friends and family flying in from out of state and she and Brad (groom) made their selves available every day and evening to be lovely hosts. I don't know how she managed to handle it all with the grace and poise she did, but the two of them pulled it off without a hitch. She was amazing and I can't help but feel that she truly picked the best guy in the world to marry. I just love him to bits.
At the reception, I watched her and Brad mingle with all who attended the wedding. They worked the room and made everyone feel special. When the music started, they had their first dance as a married couple. With the second song, Amanda took her dad on the dance floor and then her step-dad and then her grandfather (my husband). After the meaningful family dances were over, she and Brad hit the dance floor and made everyone laugh and smile with the fun they put into their dance moves. She was so beautiful, relaxed and carefree. It set the tone and we all joined them. They were incredible hosts. I can't even begin to describe how impressed I was with their ability to be so obviously in love and happy and yet make time for everyone in attendance. They danced and visited with everyone until 12:30AM.
The next day, Sunday, we met at Brad's mom's house for gift opening. This is evidently a tradition in North Dakota. Not one that I ever experienced growing up, but pretty traditional there. So we all got together, meaning family and wedding party, to watch them open every single flippin gift.
The good news is we had beer and wine and lots of food. We all shared fun stories from the reception the night before. Amanda had taken her hair down and was back to her comfortable clothes. They were both relaxed and happy. It was a perfect afternoon, all of us together, in a smaller intimate group and it was one of the best times we had together.
That evening, Brad and Amanda came to our hotel and went swimming with her younger brothers (12 and 13 years old) because she just wanted to spend as much time with them as she could as we were all leaving the next morning. So we all met at the pool and spent a few more hours together and then said good-bye.
There was no honeymoon in the schedule. Brad works full time for the city as their communications director. Amanda is a full time college student who also works 30 hours a week. There was no disappointment in their faces that a honeymoon was not next on the list. They were so happy to be with their families and give everyone an ample share of their love and appreciation. They truly were the stars of the occasion, but even more so with the genuine love, kindness and respect they extended to all who shared their wedding.
I am so amazed at the stamina, grace, beauty and love they both wove into this wedding. It was so much more than just seeing the bride and groom tie the knot. I can't tell you how proud I am to be this lovely young lady's grandmother. She is a jewel and so is the man she married.
Today she starts back to college, with 20 units to carry. Brad is back to work tomorrow. Warren and I got home tonight a couple of hours ago. I'm so glad to be home and at the same time so sorry to be at such a distance from her. I just love her so much. Nevertheless, in my heart I just feel that she has a great life ahead of her. I trust her decisions. She's an old soul for just being 22 years old. She has a path in life and she's on it. I will pray every day and God blesses her and Brad and keeps them grounded and safe.
So that's my first comment upon returning home from THE WEDDING and I thank all of you for caring about that which is so precious to my heart.
I missed you all while I was gone.
Cat.
I sure do like all you guys - thanks for keeping up with this and keeping up the encouraging words for those of us starting the harder parts of the elder care journey. Cheers, Kathleen
So my dear friends. School starts tomorrow. I was only going in for 3 hours this morning for a meeting. I get a call to please come back. Last minute problems that I've seemed to deal well with over the years. I am the planner. so all the stress the boss deals with, I'm more than happy to help her out. More importantly? I know how much she appreciates me. Thanks to all of you I am able to start this year off with a lighter heart and my whole being just in a better place. Thank you my friends. I love you guys!! I'm off to bed here soon. First day I'll be there at 4:30. Everyone have a terrific evening. Feeling so very blessed and mushy tonight. Sigh...your friend, Lisa
I will never forget how I felt when he laughed out loud at me and said "What a load of crap!" He challenged me, and asked if I would let him, the neighbour or any other stranger or accquaintance speak to me that way. Of course I indignantly said I would never allow that, dont be silly.
"why then, dear lady, would you allow this girl to destroy your world, and she gets away with it, by virtue of genetics? You should expect MORE from her, not less."
Wow. Big eye opener. I told said daughter that we have no room in our home for people who disrespect us, and she had better make other arrangements. And she did. And peace reigned, and I didnt feel guilty. I looked after me, which also included looking after my husband's wife, and my other children's mom.
Dont discuss this any more with your mother until you have your ducks in a row. You are just inviting more argument from her, which you will never win, so dont go there. And trust me, there will be more drama. She will ramp it up, big time, since she has a pretty comfy set up there at your house. She gets a free ride, plus someone to pick on! what a deal.
Stay strong, my dear. This too shall pass. You have made some good first steps.
LindaMS
In regards to the ants being attracted to the sweet sap...next come the white flies that milk the ants for the nectar they excrete and on and on it goes.
Lisa, you have a wonderful sense of humor and a great ability to respond with a good "comeback":, I still chuckle about "Don't feel sorry for me, she's that one that can't shit." The way you are is just fine - diplomacy or not. Those kids in the bus have the right person, for sure, and so does your mum have the right daughter. She is so fortunate. I pray that she realise it one day.
For a bit of a laugh, there was a tall, grey haired, Scottish lady called Jane, with a lovely scottish accent who ran the cash register at the college cafeteria, She had great comebacks too. My favourite was when high school student mooned her one day. The next day the student returned, and apologised. Jane's instant retort was, "I'd apologize too, if I had a butt like yours."
chimonger, i realise there are situations, like yours, where the law must be involved. I am glad you were successful.
I think I have a parable . I chased flies in the house this afternoon, and caught all of them, I thought, Then 4 more appeared, and not long after that I saw that the back door was not shut tight. We need to be sure our boundaries are tight, so the "flies' don't get to us.
Another insect problem - ants, having been attracted to the sap oozing from the damaged roots of Gordie's tree are rapidly invading the area, and building a nest under it. I have resorted to chemicals to kill them. Apologies, to the environmentalists among you, but I fear for the tree. I believe coffee grounds will help too, and boiling water and I will use those too.
Over and out!
I think what you are talking about is called a "Restraining Order".
Restraining Orders can be spelled out in specific language, what is allowed and forbidden in that document.
Sometimes these warranted, but can be a pain to serve on the subject, to get it signed [below story].
Q.: Does a "no contact" [restraining order] still need hard evidence,
before one can be obtained, or, can a threatened person get one based upon their verbal accounting of what they need protected from in the subject person?
I had to get one many years ago, to protect us and our daughter from a "boyfriend" who had begun having drug and mental issues.
The order was based on our dau's. ER visit subsequent to his beating her.
BUT, the police report of the incident, was seriously NOT helpful to our case--it actually protected the perpetrator.
The subject had become very aggressive on a number of occasions.
But since he'd avoided PD records prior, we had thin hard evidence that he did anything illegal, until he did things that could be caught by PD.
The PD in our area at that time, did NOTHING to protect victims of crimes such as the ones he'd done [considered domestic disputes].
They tended to believe the perpetrator's story's, AND, wrote a synopsis of the PD report WRONG.
We learned that a PD report can be AMENDED within I think 48 to 72 hours--cops really hate doing that, but they must.
Make sure whatever PD report gets made of a situation, that the facts are entered into the PD report correctly.
Be prepared to state chapter and verse, and keep your talking points consistent.
Make sure, if possible, that whoever was harmed by the perpetrator, is also present, so they can swear the "amended statement" is correct, and that it needed correcting.
Be prepared to face a cop who is actively working to break you down, make you go away, make you trip up, etc., to avoid changing his initial report.
Remember, COPS are PEOPLE who can make mistakes, and do
---even though they are supposed to be trained observers.
The restraining order was really tough to serve:
---IF we had allowed it to percolate thru the legal system, it NEVER would have been served effectively.
---I had to hand-carry it [after lots of time on phone trying to track down where he'd gotten taken, from a system unwilling to divulge that information]
... to the jail to get a deputy to serve it on the perpetrator, who was about to get shipped off 2 Counties away--it was a matter of minutes before I missed my chance.
IF I had missed that chance, it would have taken WEEKS before he got served that document, and it got filed in just our home town system---it would take weeks for each surrounding town to get theirs, too--all the while, putting us at risk, not knowing when he'd get released from where.
When the desk person 1st refused to take it to the person in jail or get a deputy to do it before the person got moved 2 counties away, I had to raise my voice and let the entire waiting room know that:
"...a whole family is being threatened by this person, did she really wish to put a whole family at risk, to save the system a tiny bit of time?
OR, did she want to be responsible for costing the System a great deal more money for this matter to get processed through legal channels?"
AND, we were instructed to make sure to serve an official copy to EVERY police jurisdiction where our daughter or us might be traveling in--so that meant ALL the surrounding "Burb towns" in our county, and neighboring counties.
This took place in the Bay Area in CA, in the 1990's.
Where we live now, I write up the PD report for a local paper.
It is amazing how often street names get confused, or entered into files incorrectly, or the fuddled accounting of the event makes understanding the scenario almost impossible.
It is up to each of us to proactively take realistic, responsible steps to make sure our bases are covered, duck in a row, to get the help we need, and to get our family members the help they need.
We are our own best advocates,
as long as we are well enough to do so,
....but what happens when we no longer are well enough to do that for ourselves?
WHO do we get , who might be fair, honest, determined advocates for us, when the time comes we need one?
When my mother had alienated the 24/7 live in nanny we got for her and was wondering what to do, she mentioned coming to stay with me. I considered it, and rejected it, as we do not have the resources to look after her - either personallly or in terms of the medical care she may need, as we have few specialists in this city, and hardly any decent doctors who are taking new patients. She and I talked once and established that the hospital here has a continuing care unit if she needed that kind of care. Coming here would mean she would be near family, as long as we live here.. I have heard good reports of that facility from ex coworkers. It is the most I could do. There is a good chance we will move south closer to her before that is needed anyway, I don't get involved much with her ALF. I figure that is what they are paid for. Not my problem!
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
ok we have
old caregivers never die they just stop caring
and
old caregivers never die,they just have NOTHING left to give
any others from the KA girls?
Your suggestion for treatment for the DQ is right on!!!. Hope the professionals get on top of it.
Can't get Holly tone here in Canada - may be able to order it from the US.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Oh Lisa, grrr! That DQ is persistent in using her limited maladaptive coping strategies. Now that u got her on the co's. radar, maybe they will begin to Recognize her M.O. She has an elaborate ruse, n is a lot of trouble for everyone. By the way, "not adjusting well" is code for she is a PIA and we need to "dump" her somewhere else. She is probably appropriate for high intensity inpatient sub abuse treatment, followed by long term residential treatment. Some experienced NA ninjas on her ass would be so good for her, they'd call her on her crap R n Left!! So much for that summer just for you! Glad u r going to the fair, u n Doug sure deserve a carefree kind of day. I grew up where the co fairs were fabulous, I
Iss them. but, thank u just the same, no Krispy Kreme burgers for me. Sounds like a triple zip code butt or if u ate THAT, yuk! Re-read about DQ-"not successful" means def outta there n will be on J like glue for letting her in the door! Haha. Lisa- so very proud of u! Glad she's NOT coming there. If there is a lapse between placements (frequent problem) STILL Not YOUR problem. Ditto any transport problems! Judy n Austin-stay tuned, more to come for sure, poor u Lisa. Joan, r u fibbing about ur age? Just kidding, proud to have such a fab sista! U r the rockin hot mama and SOO smart! Enjoy those gel nails and ur b-day. Can u get some holly tone on that tree? It's organic so slo release N and really a miracle food. Makes a huge diff in helping a weak tree or shrub. Old caregivers never die, they just have NOTHING left to give? Sunnyshine- u have the perfect built in excuse-chronic illness- no other discussions required. Listen to us when we say this is SO MUCH HARDER than we ever imagined. Even under IDEAL circumstances. I hope u won't set ur self up. Go back n read lisa's whole post: that ought to convince u!
Lots of luv to all of you. Thanks for ur help and get well wishes (keep those cards n letters coming! Think I'll be seeing the dr again. Oh and thanks Joan for the peroxide recipe- going to start w that NOW! Whew... Kim
Thank u for getting up at that ungodly hour(ugh) to give the little "rascals" a great start to their days! I could NOT EVEN do it, so bless u!
But, no matter how difficult it may seem, you must get your mother out of your house before she destroys you and your family. There must be some senior government assistanted apartment programs in your area that you can check into. Go find out what it takes for her to qualify and sign her up. And let her know it is that or give her 30 days to find a place. She needs to know she has more than her chance but you are responsible first to your husband and children and it has become unbearable,. You tried but she would not do her part and you simply will not allow this to destroy your family. It is "Tough Love' but it seems many of us older Adult Children are being faced with these sad situations. If she is anything like my mother, she will not accept what you tell her and she will blame you for her unhappiness but they all do. But, you need to read all you can on Verbal abuse, especcailly from our elder parents, They can be very mean and abusive and it will ruin you if you to not get her out. Please do not allow her to try and maek you feel guilty or responsible for her problems. And let her know she has done this to herself and there is nothing more you can do for her. You must protect your children from the lies and trouble she is causing. It may be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is your only choice. You gave her an opportunity and she screwed it up. There is nothing more you can do for her but pray she will learn something from this. But, please know in your heart and mind, this has to be done and do not put it off. I cannot say if she will get over it but the question is to make this decision, enforce and and do not look back. Yes, you will feel terrible, said and like a awful daughter. But, you are not. You are a responsivle Mother and Wife and your family needs you without those problems that could destroy all of you. I am sure you have a State Housing Authority that you can call and find out more about the supplemental programs available. They are usually for 55 and up. And the rent depends on her income. And it is up to her if she chooses to pay her bills and have a place to live. You cannot be her Mother, It is time for her to grown up and learn of suffer the cold hard consequences of her irresponsibility. I am praying for you and that you can find a place for her to move and that God will give you the strength and ability to do what you must do. And I know that God will also give you the peace that passes all understanding. Do not be concerned with what anyone may say or think. Just think of your husband, your marriage and your children's best interest. And your own. If I can help in any way, just let me know. My husband was in charge of our State Housing and I a little about some of the programs available. I feel she should qualify for one of the programs out there. There are many different ones. God Bless you and please do what you know has to be done. It will get better once the hard part is over and she is out. And it is human to feel guilty but you have no reason to be, You are not quilty or anything unless you allow her to say and ruin you and your family. You are a lovely lady and have already done so much more than most. I will not and cannot allow my mother to live with me and I know how bad it has made me feel, but I also know it was the only decision I could make that was best for all of us.
God Bless you and my Prayers are with you.
Sunny in SC:)
There must be a finish for this --lol
Old caregivers never die, they just...
any ideas - maybe "stop caring"
Lisa, hope you had a great day at the fair and with the cows. Gary says cows are like cats - they don't care, while horses are like dogs and want to please. They are all bigger than me, and I respect that. I think the DQ will always be trying to drag you back into her drama - it is the nature of the illness. If she doesn't she may be going down hill.seriously. The difference will be made by those around her, and how they deal with her, or don't. It does seem like the message is getting through. It may be correct that she is not suited for where she is. It is their job - social services, the county etc to figure out where she should be. They know the resources available, and who fits where. Unfortuately, personality disorders were not planned for in many parts of this world. I have wondered if mother could not cope where she is now, what the alternative would be.She is too healthy for a nursing home at present, and she doesn't have dementia, so not suited for a ward of that nature. What do you do with a bright, relatively healthy senior with a personality disorder? They are difficult to manage, and to place. Your mum is worse than mine, with a drug addiction, and the mouth of a sailor, so that may dictate where she goes. In any case. it is "not your problem", and agreed - she is not going back to your place. You are not running a rehab center or a psychiatric ward.
How are the pils doing?
Fall weather creeping in here slowly. I don't like it! A few leaves are turning yellow :(
JOAN: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I hope it's magical!!!! Be back in a bit everyone. Any updates on Rebecca. I am so worried!