My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I agree about changing social worker except..if DQ is no longer your problem, wouldn't that also apply with the social worker? You can't have it both ways but maybe Doug can submit a complaint?
Update: while at bus compound yesterday signing my contract for this next year j called. Wanted to make sure I received message she was back at er. She said mom insinuated to her that she dosen't think she can take care of herself in her little apt. Could I possibly talk to a social worker at the hospital and make sure they know this. I told her no. If she is wanting a nursing home it's time for you and her to get started finding her thatvguardian we talked about. They may have even sent her home yesterday. I have no idea.
You know girls, she's had this position for so many years, she just has to have the connections to get the ball rolling on this. Personally, I think I've filled my quota of nastiness and her ATTEMPT to humiliate in the last 30 days. Grrrrrrr
Unfortunately, you are coming in after Lisa and her family have made incredible progress.. The story isn't finished, but Lisa's mom has been out of the house for some time.
I might be wrong, but I have always thought of you as a male poster. Is that correct? So I don't know how you feel about blue tights and tuna cans, but if you feel like reading this thread from beginning to end, I would love to know how you feel.
Take care and if you can take time to read this thread that would be awesome. I know you are busy helping others, but see what you can do to fit us in.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
Cattails
On the on the other hand, funnels would work. More pointy and good diversion. A few bits of cheap metallic Christmas garland as funnel tassels would be good too. We're are making a statement here; they'll know us when they see us coming.
The plus for tuna cans is that is serves a dual purpose. I'm all for recycling. I kid you not, and this is the God's truth. We had tuna casserole tonight. Haven't had it in a few years. So I've got cans!!!!! I can tape them to my titties. They might bruise my knees while we are running. Also, I wouldn't want to hit any of you from behind if we came to a sudden stop. This could happen jumping out of a tree single file, or possibly in the Falcon Punch. Come to think of it, I could possibly hit myself in the face with my cans.
So if we go this route, the kick ass girls will all have to sign a can liability release form. A funnel, however, could put your eye out. Bwhahahahaha.
Love you crazy sisters. Cattails PS: Kim thanks for a thumbs up on the Pub scene.
Kimbee - sending good vibes for tomorrow's trip to the doc (thought it was today - another seniors moment). Hope it goes well - my trip out of town has been postponed - sometime later. -in the next week or two - exes work hours have been changed again.
nite all
And, come on, you gals, there is not much that makes me mad, and I would never get mad at you, but when kids are threatened, or kids endanger themselves, something rises up in me and I am like a freight train on a track, and nothing is going to stop me. I was the kid who took the picked-on kid under my wing, and walked her through the bunch of bullies that were snowballing her, looked them straight in the eye, and they dropped their balls - so to speak. ;)
Hasn't happened that often in my life - just a few other times, but they all make a good stories.
Kimbee and Lisa, you will be glad to hear I left the pink polyester pant brigade behind, and got me some jeans. :) have a good night everyone! ♥
P.s.- I will not put these thighs and zip code behind in tights or polyester. Snicker snicker snort snort.
Tell Jen she is in our thoughts and prayers.
This thread is so very long because it is highly unusual. Someone needed advice. She was given advice. She thought, "Oh, that advice makes sense. I'll do that." And she did!!! And it worked!! She's kept us informed every step of the way. It hasn't always been pretty. She's our hero.
Lisa have a good evening - when is this phone call happening? and dad showed up, as in YOUR dad - oh my!!!
so sorry that jen has pcos - I have had ovarian cysts, but got preggie at the drop of a hat - the meds may make her more emotional too. Hope you have a great pizza night with ur fam.
Your Mom needs to be moved into a facility, and fast.
THE LAW says no O2 where there is a source of spark or fire--like cigarettes--that is not your house rule, it is the LAW.
So if your Mom does not want to give up her Cigs, then the O2 tank must go.
Not a good trade-off.
She is manipulating you, byu throwing temper tantrums as if she were a 3-y.o. child.
Might be a thought: consider her as such, and treat her accordingly.
One counselor recently stated:
"she is behaving like a 3 year old, so,
think: what do you do as a parent, to provide proper boundaries for a child to learn?
You can tell her:
"I understand you want to smoke,
but the LAW says that cannot be done where there is an oxygen tank.
Mom, you have two choices:
you can smoke in your room,
OR you can have oxygen there, but not both.
I know you feel the need for both of those, but only one is allowed.
Let me know if you want the O2 tank or the cigs, and I will try to support you in that choice"
As for the blackmail about the meds:
"Mom, I hear you threatening to stop taking your meds because you want control of your pain meds. I am sorry you feel that way. Do you understand the pain meds are not in your room to keep you safe from overdosing?
If you really want them back in your room, I will be glad to talk with the Doc about it, and see if there is a different arrangement"
Then call the Doc, and report that she threatened to stop taking her other meds if she didn't get to have her pain meds in her room to take at any time and however much she wants.
The Doc might take it that she made a suicide threat.
The Doc might have other suggestions of alternate meds.
The Doc will document that in her chart.
That is a paper trail to help get her moved to a facility.
When it comes to her accusations of theft, make sure you document daily outbursts, writing on a calendar or a diary what she is saying, and how you responded.
While she might SOUND like she means to be deliberately trying to hurt you, that is NOT what she is coming from:
she has lost everything, including control of her life.
She is scared--and from your description, it sounds like that is how she has lived her life, scared, with a thin veneer of bravery.
She is coming from a position of fear of life in general, but her own approaching death, dominantly. She also shows classic, addictive behaviors.
When someone has been on narcotic pain meds for a long time, it not only dulls the response to those meds, causing need to use more to get same effect, but it destroys their minds.
TALK with her Docs, about her behaviors, and let them know she cannot stay in your house anymore.
You have struggled with a very difficult situation a long time...do not wait until it breaks your family apart to get help making better changes, and getting support from at least some in-home caregivers who can give you a break...SOMETHING!
Your hubby and you have managed to make it this long.
While he might have been accepting of the arrangement, because he loves you, having someone like that in the house, absolutely wrecks relationships--because another feature of your Mom's behaviors, is manipulating others based on her own "unique perspectives"
[she isolate in her room, and has nothing to compare her thoughts with to measure if they are true or not--no reality checks--the imagination runs wild!]
But I can tell ya, even someone who has stuck with a partner for over 40 years, will get broken from this kind of invasive, dysfunctional person in the house--get help before your relationship breaks!
Call your local Area Agency on Aging, Cal a social worker for in home health care, or a social worker from the Welfare office--someone official who can come to the house to evaluate the situation.
In-home evals take about 2 hours.
Suggestion: do not warn your elder that it is going to take place, just have them show up and do it.
That way, they will sooner see how the elder is, not a false front.
Make sure they get a look at her room, too
...the Workers who came here, never went down the hall to our elder's room
--if they had, they'd have seen the piles of hoarding, the unhealthy choices she was making, and gotten her moved to a facility.
Instead, our elder was able to buffalo that she was doing fine, for 2 hours
--once they left, she started acting out again.
Please get some folks to help you get her out of your home,
while you still have one, and still have a family!
You deserve that. No one, not from any illness,m for no excuse, is allowed to get away with terrible behaviors.
IT is a sign of Loving people, to set reasonable, rational limits on bad behaviors--same as for children, it is needed for adults who are acting badly.
We feel the most frazzled when enduring bad situations we feel there is no remedy for.
There are remedies.
Sometimes we just have to seek them outside the family, outside the home, and into a facility.
Facilities do not tolerate smoking near O2 tanks.
They do not tolerate Accusations, though they take them seriously if there might be something actually missing.
[[you might consider handling her meds the same way as a facility does:
lock them in a case, and have a record book that every dose, amount, time and date are recorded in.]]
[[same with finances:
if you provide 1/2 or more of her upkeep, you can list her as a dependent on taxes.
If you handle her finances, keep meticulous records!]]
Cover your behind with a paper trail to show you did right!
Keep reporting her behaviors to her Docs, the police, to Social Workers, even to the Crisis Line listed in the local phone book.
Paper trails.
The longer she keeps believing she has you buffalo'd into believing she is in control, the longer you suffer.
From your descriptions, she has been abusive to you forever.
Time to put the stops to that...she is a sick-headed person.
She needs a handler experienced in taking care of those who have personality disorders.
Please keep us posted of your progress!
{{{hugs!}}}
Chi