My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
So you had a lovely dinner with family and today is a new day; a great day and you are feeling so good. I am so happy for you.
Do you think she tipped the cab driver?
Cat
Hugs and Love to all, Cattails
♥
As it is now, sounds like she's addicted to painkillers and maybe a manic depressive since she wastes money buying things on TV. There are rehab places for addicts and medicine for manic depressive people BUT IF THEY CAN ANSWER a few questions about their age, address, etc. - they CAN SAY NO TO THAT.
Lots of catch 22's in caring for elderly who seem to despise you and makes you despise them. She does appear to be in her right mind though. Perhaps you could find a cheap apartment (HUD would help for people who are poor) - take her there with her stuff and walk out and never look back until she is ready for nursing home and is confused enough to sign for you to be her power of attorney and medical power of attorney.
You can't just put her on the street with her clothes for it could be you would be charged with elderly abuse if you are the closest living relative to her. Kinda stuck aren't you. I had some problems similar. My mom was always a nag though she did her duty as mother, wife, housekeeper, defending her children, etc. - she rarely smiled or touched any of us in a loving way. When she got dementia, she even got more naggy and critical and hateful so of course it made me feel hateful toward her. FINALLY, finally she was into a stage of dementia that qualified her for a nursing home. Of course years ago, she signed for me to me her powers of attorney, executor of will - the works - and
she was happy at the time to know I'd be taking care of her interest in later years. I worked 37 years but after Dad died when I was 30 years old, I always took her to doctor appts - hair appts - helped get assistance with her meds when it was causing her to go broke - the works and she did appreciate that at THE TIME - now it's "I am robbing her: I want to put her away to get her home, blah blah - her home is 200 years old and falling down around her ears and
she has no money anyplace and now the nursing home gets what she does bring in (SS and Black Lung on my father who in the day made VERY LITTLE MONEY and of course her income is low) I started more than once to turn my poa over to the state or just to walk out of her home and not look back (yes I have a nice home but spent most of a year with her every single night - with her keeing me awake and bitching and asking questions- I did have some sympathy for her when I knew it was THE DEMENTIA doing the talking but I still resented her though I love her and miss her now - I can't go to nursing home as she'd embarress me about "stealing her stuff" and wanting to go home - (to her Mommy's really - not her house she lived in for over 60 years) So I'm doing whats easier on her and me and my son - I'm not going to visit til staff states she has accepted the nursing home as her HOME. People can judge all they want - I don't care. Good luck to you.
I believe you are thinking about guardianship with regard to the psychiatric evaluation and that such an evaluation might fast track getting one appointed. If so, maybe Doug could call the hospital and talk to the social worker or attending physician there and make the suggestion.
On the other hand, Jeanne is right on. Your mom is on her journey in life and what will happen will happen. It's not your problem.
Sending you love. Keep us posted. Cat
She is not the first pain-pill drug addict the ER has dealt with. Nothing you can do about it.
Not my problem ... not my problem ... not my problem ...
If your participation would make things better for your mother I'd have twinge of conscience telling you to stay out of it. Your participation won't fix her and it will hurt you.
Not my problem ... not my problem ... not my problem
Just my opinion. Remember "NOT MY PROBLEM!"
One time I had a garage sale and there were some old books I put out on a table. A very nice lady came over to me and said, "Do you realize that several of those old books are first editions?"
There is nothing better than the unexpected kindness of strangers and nothing worse than seeing someone steal from old folks. At least we can do our best to be on the good side of things.
Thanks for the responses. Love, Cattails
so glad and relieved that your days went well. Lisa - good for you for catching the $50 error, Kim has a good point.
cat - what a load that must be off your shoulders,.You dad does sound like a sweetie -my dad was like that. My last visit to him was a gift. Even though he was not fully himself, (vascuolar dementia) he was courteous and concerned that I had a chair to sit down on. He knew he was dying, and before would always say when I left - say see you later, or till the next time, This time he said "Good bye". He was so at peace, despite his physical condition. Bless their hearts!
praying for all to go well - tests, chemo etc
Much love and hugs Joan
He loved his burger (ate all of it), had a couple of glasses of thickened orange juice with it and munched some fries too. He didn't really respond to me much while we were eating. So I started to explain that Warren was having some health problems and that seem to really get his attention and concern. I explained the details and also that my BP was getting high and that I really need to get out of the house more to exercise and take care of myself.
He was real concerned and I told him that because of these things we needed him to live at this facility so we could deal with the health issues we are facing. He seemed to understand that and wanted me to tell him how old Warren was so I reminded him my hubby was 64 and I was 63. He thought about that for a moment. I asked him if he was unhappy there. He said, "Oh sometimes." I asked him if he was upset with me. He seemed surprised at that question and said 'No".
I told him I was sorry I couldn't take care of him at home, but reminded him that Nick (my son) was there to look out for him and that Karen, Christy and Julie (nurses) all loved him and wanted to make him happy. Anyway, told him how much I loved him and he said, "I love to you, sweetheart."
After our conversation and lunch was over, I took him back to the nurses station and he wanted to sit there for a while. On the way back, Christie was walking by us and I told her what my dad had eaten (she needs to chart it) and she was so happy he loved his burger. He was just all smiles and she gave him a big hug. He looked like he was happier and grateful for the conversation we had.
I promised my dad that I'd be in all the time to see him and would bring him special lunches, etc. I reminded him that my Granddaughter, Amanda, was getting married in August and we would be going to the wedding. He just beamed, smiled at me and asked how old she was now.
So that was my day with dad. He was good bout everything and I do believe concerned about us. I think he just needed me to be truthful with him. That's my take on it.
For me this is a big hump to get over. I may have to restate it again, but at least it's out there now and for this day he understands.
Lisa: So glad the chemo got done today and I think taking pics and sending them to family is an awesome idea.
Love to everyone, Cattails
Cat-worrying about u too, will be praying for u tomorrow as u talk w ur dad. I support u in realizing when u r at ur limit--u too have to take care of ur self, as we all do. I'm glad we can help each other focus on that...Lisa, who knew this amazingness is what u were starting way back when...thank you again! Joan, thanks for the nice compliment. Night all
With regards to the continuing saga of "How the world turns around mother", at least you are not getting hammered everyday and the breaks are getting longer. My hope it the intervals of no contact will get longer and longer.
The one benefit to talking to hospital staff would be to get a doctor's take on her mental status. If the doc feels that she needs an advocate, it would certainly help you and Doug in the process of assigning a guardian for her. Just a thought.
Take care everyone. Love you all, Cattails