My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Lisa: Would love to see a video of Doug's birthday dance. You have a wonderful family to share life's journey with. I'm so happy that you are surrounded by so much love. Keeping your FIL & MIL in my prayers.
Hugs, Cattails
Sometimes in life, it seems that we just deal with one thing, and another gets thrown at us.
I took a deep breath when I read about you getting the news of your fil's best friend dying. That combined with fil's, and mil's health issues is a lot to take in. It reminded me of a 5 year period when we had 20 deaths of friends, and family - too many of them young, and many trips to funerals. It started with my ex's sister committing suicide at the age of 33. The next year we had back-to-back, two young teens killing themselves at New Year's, and it all went downhill from there. A few years later, my youngest (who since has joined them) told me, at the tender age of 13, "Mum, I have my funeral outfit ready for the next one." It became part of our lifestyle. My marriage broke up in the middle of those 5 years. I am glad that you and Doug are so solid, and that his family will gather round. You need one another's support going through such times.
I was going to comment on "time alone", and you mentioned that you needed it. For years, I didn't need much time alone - working, studying, having 4 kids, managng a household of six and sometimes extras, I grabbed a little solitude here and there, and it was enough. As the number of losses (of people) mounted, I found I needed more, and when my Gordie died, I became a virtual hermit. There was just too much that had to be processed in my heart, and mind, and I needed the time alone to do that, and I still do - much more than I did before. For the first few years, I found it hard to be in large groups, especially relative strangers, as I coudn't concentrate on the conversation, and interactions. I remember the birthday party of one of my grandkids, a few years after Gordie died, when, for a while, I was able to break out of this. One kid batted a balloon at me, so I batted it back, and soon all the kids were batting balloons at me, and I was doing a decent job of fielding them all for a while, and we laughed. It was fun. Having fun is important in all of this, and you, and your family are great at that. Don't be shy to give yourself time alone, either, if you need it. Even if you are not consciously thinking about what is going on, it takes us a while to process the information about illnesses, and deaths of people who are close. One afternoon, during those 5 years, I was playing computer games, and found myself crying for 3 uncles and 2 cousins. Of all of them, because of the distances involved, I could get to only one funeral, and, that afternoon, I couldn't dististinguish my grief for one over another. I missed them all. You are going through a loss of types with separating from your mother (again) having opened you heart, and home to her a couple of years ago. Breaking bonds with a mother is not a small thing. Now you are looking at going through some hard times with your fil, and mil. These are people you love, and who have stood by you. What affects them will affect Doug, and other famly members. A lot is happening to people who are very significant in your life - good and bad. Give yourself what you need, to get through all of this - and if some of that is time alone, then take it. As well, you have a very demanding, and sometimes, very difficult, job. It is a lot, Lisa. Take care of you, and even treat you, taking time just for yourself to do something good for you - get a manicure, a pedicure, a massage, a candle-lit, scented, bubble bath, whatever would make you feel special, for you are. Always remember, Lisa, that you are special, in a very good way.
And for the Kick (Kiss lol) Ass Girls, you all are special too. :)
Hope everyone is having some fun, and lots of treats today.
Love and hugs ♥♥♥
Joan
It touches me deeply that she called you and bless your sweet FIL. Have a wonderful Birthday celebration today.
Sending you love and prayers. Cattails
When you have a couple of hours to catch up ....or by reading a few pages each day, take the time to follow the story as it unfolds if you want to know how things worked out. I don't think you will be sorry ....and you will definitely be entertained...Cheers, Eldest Daughter --of the KissAssGirl clan :)
I appreciate your comments, but encourage you to read the thread in its entirety. It really gives you good info for others you may encounter.
Cattails
My FIL was obviously showing signs of dementia but Fam was in massive denial when he had a bad car accident, hospitalized in level 1 trauma center. I ask step mil if docs had asked about alz symptoms, she said no, why would they? He's here for broken hip...privately I pulled the charge nurse aside and shared my concerns about dementia signs symptoms observedN family denial. Asked her to note in chart my confers and alert attending md of note. Her reply?: I sure will, thank you so much- we too felt something wasn't right but hard to know his baseline and can get nothing from his wife. She has been asked all different ways, but keeps saying she has not seen any changes, no one in Fam has concerns etc. I asked if he could be evaluated there before D/C? She said she was pretty sure that could be arranged n shed stay on it. He was transferred to their aging services unit w/o a discharge. He eas evil's and treatment started there. Step mil accepted alz diagnosis as "caused by accident". Put concerns on index card or one page letter n ask for any help they can give u at pulmonoligists. Let them know primary seemed to accept mil self assessment of no problems w memory. Pulmonary docs work w many elderly n may be a little more tuned in to Geriatric issues overall VS family doc who worries about not upsetting regular patient' s trust more than the specialist. Plus they can take more time, n hey, they'd want to solve problem of refusing o2 when RX indicated...
Have a happy SURPRISE birthday. And tell Doug the kick ass girls were in on it too and are sending him the warmest Happy Birthday wishes.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
At some point, she will hopefully be more open to talking directly to you about the problems, but let her get comfortable talking to FIL first. In the meantime, be there for her and share the good times that are currently happening. Celebrate life with those you love best.
Eventually, your FIL may have to speak with Doug and ask for his help in reaching your MIL. That may require a longer time of waiting, but it my be what works in the end.
Sending you love and comfort, Cattails
Lisa mayo clinic dot com has a nice article about alz myths. There r some points nicely spelled out that may help you organize some "talking" points for Doug's mom (or Doug too) or w mil, maybe thinking points! Go to the main address, then to "health information". Next: "expert blogs" and "alz". Look at the June 26 '12 entry Myths N misconceptions...
Sorry bout your Sunday visit. Might help to back off n just be loving. The right moment will present itself sooner if she feels supported in her fear. Which of course we can empathize with. Start with where she is right now ( rather than where u wish she would be) to get her reengaged, and more trusting of you traitors! Denial exists to protect our psyche fom that which is more than we can handle without our minds coming unhinged. Fear and anxiety are related to perceived loss of control. We are all rooting for you about Doug's mom too. Hugs and prayers. R u staying cool? I have family in dc area- they lost power in 5 state region- not expected to be fully repaired for an entire week, meanwhile still in the 100s w high humidity through the week. OMG! I'd just die! We offered our home, they r waiting to see if fed jobs will require them to be at work first. Fed is really strict w their policies for employees, contrary to popular belief!
I agree you should document the event...with photos too...but you know what. I would never never never ever bring it up to your mother. It's not clear to me if she did this on purpose or if she did it and forgot, but I'd be boiled in oil before I'd let her know that it caused you an instant of problems.
I also agree that this is a good go to memory for when you are tempted to give in, or when you are being prodded by others to loosen your stance. Bull!