My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Wow, I wonder how many years you can get for that; especially now that you know there is a written letter from her pain management doctor accusing her of abusing her use of prescriptions and essentially hoarding pills or taking more than prescribed.
I know you are upset right now, but try to see this objectively. The DEA has bigger fish to fry than you. It's not like you stole your mom's pain meds and then sold them on the street. The reality of the situation is that your story is corroborated by the letter from her pain management doctor.
I'm sure your mom is royally pissed off right now. She got caught scamming the system and now she's having a hard time getting a drug supplier. She can call one of her other doctors and explain and eventually things will get worked out for her. In the meantime, she can take tylenol.
I'm sure your mom will call the DEA. Maybe she'll call the police too. She'd call the President if she could get through. She'd feed you to the wolves if she had some and could tell them how to get to your home. She'd run over you if she had a car. NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, except you may (and I restate May) have to explain to one more person that your mother is a crazy, out-of-control, sociopath and a royal bitch with a long history of abuse.
You have so many witnesses to this that you need a program to keep all the witnesses straight. Why don't you keep a notebook of the problems that come up and all the people who witness them.
Who in the world do you think people are going to believe; you and Doug or your crazy, foul mouthed mother? They are going to believe you.
I think you have to look at your mom as some people have to look at various illnesses. Some illnesses have cures and some are chronic and have to be continually managed. You mom is a chronic problem. Just when you think you are rid of her, cured of having to see or hear from her, she blows through the phone lines and disrupts your life with her threats and hate. This will continue. She's a chronic pain in the ass. Your job is to manage the affect on you that her outbursts and hatefulness bring about. Don't respond and don't let her scare the crap out of you. She has no power and you did nothing wrong.
Start breathing, deep breaths. Things will be ok. It's just another chronic intrusion by DQ. Sending you love and hopefully comfort.
Hugs, Cattails
should reconize that your mother is drug seeking. If you were the POA and you made the appts for her and were responsible for her drugs you might have something to worry about but you have back up. I know you stated Doug cannot change his phone # but what about you changing your cell and have all the house calls forwarded to Doug's cell. (Can you have #'s blocked). I fell for you. We have residents here at our NH that cheek their meds to avoid taking them or saving them for later. Have you called Doug?
I loved your idea of spending a little more time with your MIL and FIL. Summer evening BBQ's and evening board games. Relaxing time and the simple pleasures of just being together and connecting.
If you get involved in volunteering, it might be wise to keep that to yourself and not let MIL know. It will probably cause her some anxiety in view of family concerns regarding her memory, etc.
I'm really happy that Doug is making calls to Jane. Hope that gets the ball rolling. In the meantime, keeping your distance from her becomes easier and easier.
Sending you lots of hugs and love, Cattails
Good ole SuperDoug! Look out mrs Jane- u really messed up-wonder if she got the forms out of her drawer yet? hehe. We know she' not busy "checking" on her tenants, she may be sidetracked by some twitching?
Here in NC, we have the same hot forecast. So off to flood my plants and garden before we head to the beach. Everybody stay cool! Luv, luv, luv u all!
Lisa, this is a general statement. Yes, if you are living with your parent and they are in need of medical attention and you will not call an ambulance, then you have some responsibility in their demise or lack of treatment. It does not mean that you have to jump everytime a crazy sociopath says jump.
If you need to get an attorney to make you feel more secure, then do that, but make sure the attorney knows his shit. You don't need to be bullied by one side and then financially drained from another.
I am a somewhat common sense person and I have spent almost 40 years married to someone who has been in law enforcement. We are retired now, but he still works, part time, as an criminal investigator for the county we currently live in. We are from California and now living in Washington state. California is far and beyond Washington in training and sophistication where laws are concerned. Washington is a little backwards is our estimation. Maybe you state is a little backwards too, but it just does not make sense that a mentally ill mother is you burden in life. That's BS.
I'm going to go back to my original suggestion to you. Call the people you know in Adult Protective Services and tell them that your mother needs a mental evaluation and a guardian appointed. Tell them what they already know. That she is mentally ill, abusive and a threat to herself and YOU WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBIiTY FOR HER. You can document this in so many ways.
We will wait to see what happens as a result of Doug's talk with Jane, but do not expect that this will go away. The responsibility needs to be shifted. It can be done if problems continue.
I hate to say this, but what will we all do when your mom stops being a problem. I am embarrassed to say this, but no one who is honest on this tread could not admit that we will miss the shit your mom pulls. If she ever gets a guardian, we all want to be in email contact with her/him. Twitch, Twitch, Snicker, Sniker, Snort, Snort. Love Ya, Cattails.
The cemetary: Could that have been the first time you were able to exercise any real control over your life? And you reached out for the help you needed too. Please don't think of it as nutty behavior--it is not--it's wonderful. Was it the first step in getting yourself a life, other than the one imposed on you? You get your peace anywhere you can find it. Glad Doug knows you completely. And judgement here? Yes, we ARE judging you--to be a wonderful, wise and special woman who is truly a survivor. Our care and love for you is UNCONDITIONAL and safe. Remember that, OK? Yes, it's brave to bare your sole here, but geesh, hasn't it worked out well!!
Doug: your knight in shining armor, the envy of women everywhere. A true MAN and a rockin husband! Doug is a wonderful front-man for the Kick Ass Women-thank you, and thank you Doug, for the great way you love and protect your wife and family, and share them with us. (It's ok if you're secretly glad we are virtual)
Mom, oops, I mean DQ: Played JANE like a fiddle! Glad mom was on the receiving end and got to have someone cause HER a twitch for once-I think it's been a long time since she had a body jerk reaction-other than her recent withdrawal issue!
Jane: Was thinking she was young or inexperienced. 40 years-Really? Extra pathetic. Sorry Jane. Ask your supervisor for help and more training. Better yet. Retire. Keeping families together? Really, Seriously. I think Doug may have given her a twitch AND played her like a fiddle! A little double teaming was quite in order. She thinks she can dump POA duties on you, more like POW! If some progress isn't forthcoming, a nicely toned written record of her disregard for your multiple guardianship requests, especially after witnessing the abusive behaviors towards Lisa, with a copy to the agency director, should help protect you from the long arm of that absurd K-law and would effectively keep some pressure on her from the top down. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense-have you thought of contacting the co agency who handles Guardianships to let them know of the abusive behavior and your valid need for some distance. You could possibly find out if any paperwork has already been started too...
MIL: I'm glad she has been your rock. I'm so sorry she's having problems. It's a good thing to know when to tuck tail and run! I hope the right answer will present itself. I'm touched by what you wrote, beautiful.
Lisa: You're fierce. Be good to yourself.
Luv and hugs to you all.
As for jane wanting to bring families together - maybe - (or maybe she is covering her butt as others have mentioned), but in any case that doesn't work for the good guys in dysfunctional families. They just get more abuse. Where is her head, and where has it been for 40 years????
It is great you found Johnny's grave - you needed that, and still do. I go places in town where Gordie (my son who was killed 10 years ago) and I went, and I get some peace. Once we got mac-hamburgers and sat down by the river looking at the trees in the fall . He ate some of my fries, and most of my sundae. It is a good memory, and I get a good feeling going back there.
I like this Johnny Depp quote - "I am always fascinated by people who are considered normal, because I find them the weirdest of all."
No one thinks you are nuts, Lisa. You are a wonderful. warm, sane woman, who has been put up with much too much, and is coming through it with flying colours. You are moving away from your mum steadily - going in the right direction! You are getting to the place you want to be.
Love and hugs (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Next, we have places here in Texas called Dairy Queen, of course we call it DQ, I will NEVER EVER EVER be able to eat there again..... that's a good thing, but they do have some killer ice cream...
Next, never ever be afraid to tell anyone that you did what you felt you should do.... none of here are judging you that;s for sure...... and it's not over until it's over, that's why a while back I stated how good this thread is for people possibly going thru something simialar....to know, it's not a one time situation..... it's not a final goodbye, but everyone will get it loud and clear... It's not your problem... and please tell Doug that there are some tired cranky cheerleaders out here who just adore him..... that the two of you have given us all hope and courage to stand up and say, NO... it's done... extra prayers for you and your family Lisa.....
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