My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
AND DQ is "not my problem." I'm glad Jane heard everything. From now on, maybe, you can say, "Not my problem," Lisa. Again, be CLEAR what is and what is NOT "your problem," and prepare to truly let her go. Who cares what others think? DQ is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I hope this next part doesn't sound off-topic, and I am not looking for condolences, but my Dad -- who always wanted things His Way or the Highway -- died on Friday. And the overall fact is that it is better for all of us, himself included, that he is gone. I spent so much time and attention and so many resources trying to make an irrevocably unhappy person happier. It doesn't work. Your example, Lisa, helped me in the end. I'm so grateful.
Listen these wise women. "Not my problem" for EVERY PROBLEM you get presented with, from now on. Included death. Take care of the people who matter. She is not one of them.
Jane may have been responding more to the physical signs of distress that DQ was manifesting and she has probably been trained to avoid any potential for a law suit. First order of business being, shift responsibility and document everything you try to do. Another example of this was when DQ went by ambulance to the hospital and "refused" to take her purse. Then Jane calls Lisa, "Your mother refused to take her purse and has no clothes." Jane is probably thinking, "If I gave her purse to the EM's then DQ could claim money was missing from it and I would be responsible for going against her wishes." This is crap, but it is the way some places work, especially if they responsible for taking care of a vulnerable population.
I'm speaking for myself here, but if it were me, I would call Adult Protective Services and talk to the people I already know there. I would tell them that I will not take any responsibility for my mother. I would reinforce that she is a sociopath and a chronic liar. I would tell them that I intend to send them a letter in writing advising them that they need to have DQ mentally evaluated and a guardian appointed. I would tell them that I also intend to give spirit house a letter telling them not to call me with regard to my mothers needs. They can advise me if she has been hospitalized, but they can not call upon me for intervention due to Mother's mental illness and her abusive nature.
I don't know if Lisa is up to this and we will see how things progress with the conversation Doug had with Jane. If it continues, then Lisa may have one more hoop to jump through to get all parties to act and quit passing the buck due to potential liability.
Lisa, I don't mean to talk to you in the third person. I know dealing with your mom's issues can be traumatic, but you may have to clear the field of reluctant players and turn the onus bank on them via written statements. They will then have been put on formal notice and if they fail to act, there is no doubt where the responsibility lies. I think that will change the dynamics.
Just my thoughts and excuse my frustration. I am angry with Jane and angry that we have to all deal with stupidity on a regular basis. We are all so responsible and determined to learn and do our best, but then we have to deal with the bureaucrats who seem to require the steel toed boot up the butt to get them to move.
Thanks for letting me vent. Cattails
What exactly is Jane's problem? So she can't put the drama queen in a cab. What would she do if DQ had no living relatives? This is Jane's JOB for crying out loud.
If I were Jane and the medicine was from a place that doesn't deliver and I felt DQ could not go by herself in a cab, I would send a cab (or other courier service) to pick up the meds and deliver them. Duh. This happens all the time in the business world. But no, she has to drag two people away from their own activities and subject them to terrible stress. If she HAD to involve a relative (and I can't imagine why she would), why not just have the med picked up and dropped off? What on earth was the benefit of sending DQ -- judged too shakey to go by herself -- off with the daughter she abuses?
The more I think about, the madder I get at Jane. She really couldn't figure out how the drama queen could get her breathing medicine without involving you!? And ths woman has some kind of college degree and a responsible job?
But, dear Lisa, this too is Not Your Problem!
I'll bet Doug had more practical solutions in mind. I'm looking forward to the next episode of How the World Turns Around Mother, in which will be revealed the plan to extricate long-suffering daughter (LSD) from Professional's imcompetency.
Another thought - would your doc write a note to jane that you cannot be involved with your mum's care as she is abusive to you? Jane is just not taking the effect of this on you this seriously enough, IMO.
Hope you have had that cry, and are feeling less tension now.
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and love
I'm glad your mom has not called today. Maybe she is catching on.
Hugs, Cattails
On another note I had a decent visit with the specialist, who was a very nice young woman, and she is changing my meds to something less toxic to my liver - which still seems to be OK, as far as I am concerned, but she needs to check it. She heard me and believed me, and was honest - told me they didn't have all the answers, and there is no "magic bullet", but this was the next step. I would appreciate prayers that the new drug works, as I may have to be on it a long time (I hesistate to say a lifetime as I believe that I will be healed) and, of course, that, eventually, we get rid of this infection.Thanks in advance.
You gals all ROCK!!!