I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
It is astounding how deep the denial of SIL and DH runs. I hope and pray that as you continue to keep your boundaries they will forced to see and accept reality and take some action.
I hope you enjoy your weekend!
Nobody even goes into her b'yard really, other than the lawn guy ... and he rides his mower around .. and is gone.
It's a small dog and a LOT of yard .. so the piles of doo .. it wouldn't be such that her yard is a nasty horrible stinky smelly mess.
I spent the day with the 4 yo .. and went to the children's museum and then for ice cream and have her for the night. YD did go out and wash poochy, and then came home and dutifully answered SIL's querry, via text, as to "how is mom doing", with an answer of "she was fine, I had lunch there with her, and washed the dog, she's tired, seems very tired".
You said the dog was old. Maybe the dog will outlive MIL, or maybe not. If it goes first, then MIL will probably has no reason to get up. She'll just stay in bed and sleeps. If MIL goes first, the poor pooch will be very sad.
I'm kinda .. in a sense .. glad that issue (dog washing) has someone, at least for now, to address it.
If I could wave a magic wand, she'd be told (MIL would) there are services for that, mobile services, .. fork over the $, you're the one that chooses to have a pet in your compromised state.
But it's not up to me to get a magic wand that doesn't exist and call the shots.
At least that's one of the MANY MANY NEEDS .. (wants) .. that is getting addressed .. and not ending up in my corner to deal with. Btw, I never did wash the dog, .. wasn't my gig. I would, .. at least in the past, .. put a fire under YD .. as directed from afar,.. and/or take the dog for her to said services, on site, and sit dutifully to return laundred dog to her.
Just glad that's off my radar.
And yes, Polarbear .. I do agree with you. That dog is indeed her purpose in life. She literally would have no reason to even get out of bed daily were it not for the dog's needs. And she might even just stay in bed .. who knows. The dog needs her, .. it's all he's ever known as to food/shelter/care. But she also finds purpose in that dog.
We've all said (jokingly, but it's probably not far off the mark) if the dog goes before her .. we'll have to dig a hole for her too .. she'll cease living herself. We're sure of it.
Nothing much, just almost comical if not so indicative of the goings on.
I get a call on the landline .. see the Caller ID that it's MIL calling. That's unusual .. she doesn't call here all that often anymore (I presume, some awareness on her part, that I'm not the *go to* in it all I once was).
I answer the phone:
"Hi MIL .. how are you?" (cheerful tone), (hoping nothing is terribly wrong).
MIL: "Hi Dorker ... this is MIL .. is H there?".
(((UHM . no it's 10 AM on a Monday morning, he's .. AT WORK ....???....))))
No, I didn't say that which would've been smart azz in in tone and so I don't term it that way, I merely said in response: "No, he's at work right now, everything okay".
MIL: "oh okay I guess I wasn't even really aware this is a workday .. I just thought maybe he was right there ... I guess he would be at work right now yes .. I just I didn't know if he was heading this way ... I guess .. all h3!! has broken loose here this morning and I expect the police will be here any minute to knock my door down to get at me ....
Me: "really?, what's happened".
MIL: "Well you know, I eat cereal every morning for breakfast .. and I was tired of cereal I wanted to scramble an egg and make some grits .. but you know me .. it's all I can do to get from one point to the next, I certainly can't manage that and the phone too, and you know that daughter of mine .. she calls every morning to check on me, .. and so .. I figured I'd just take the phone off the hook long enough to scramble an egg and make a small pot of grits and then I'd enjoy that and put the phone back on the hook for her to call. But you know .. if I hadn't done that, invariably she'd call and I'd have to answer, GOD FORBID I don't answer the phone, .. she'll call out the National Guard .. she'll have the news media at my door if I don't answer, but I can't manage cooking that and talking to her, .. I can't .. its too much for me to manage .. and ya know, if she'd just call and check in with a brief .. *are you okay this morning* and then let it go at that, but she does ramble on .. you can't get off the phone with her. I knew before I set out to cook that, .. if she calls .. I'll either have a fire on the stove as I can't manage that .. or either it'll be done and sit and get stone cold before I can even eat it .. so I just thought .. I'd take the phone off the hook long enough to cook that, and then enjoy it and then put the phone back on the hook. I did that, but then I suddenly had to get to the bathroom quickly (didn't say if she's having diahrea .. I didn't ask) .. but you know me, ... I don't do anything quickly .. so I had to leave that, and go make my way to the bathroom .. and so I hadn't yet put the phone back on the hook .. and I was on the toilet and heard the doorbell .. but ya know, there's not a thing I can do about that .. I can't hop up from the toilet and quickly get to the door, I can't move fast anymore... there wasn't a thing I could do about it, here was I was in this fix .. on the toilet, someone is at the door and I can't do a thing about it . not til I can get there, which as you know takes me forever. I finally finished and made my way to the door and opened it, but by then I could see it was K from across the street, obviously he'd come to check on me .. I could see he was back over in his yard, standing there on his cell phone, I don't know if he was calling the police to alert them, or calling SIL back .. turns out SIL had tried to get me and of course couldn't, .. I had taken the phone off the hook .. and so when she couldn't get me .. I don't know .. knowing her, she probably called out the National Guard and the news media and I suspect the police will be here any minute to knock my door down .. I didn't know if maybe she had alerted H . .and he was on his way here .. wanted you to let him know I'm fine .. that's what happened and why I wasn't able to be reached .. to stop him if he's on his way here .. I did shout out across the street to the neighbor K, to let him know I was here and I"m alright ... and I did talk to SIL and let her know .. I couldn't find H's cell phone # here to call him .. I presume she's probably alerted him and he's on his way too .. I don't know . but if you would let him know, that I'm fine ... I guess I didn't think about him being at work .. if you could .. just let him know you've talked to me and I'm fine ..".
I told her I would let him know.
Said to her: "You probably should've called her first .. to let her know your plans and that you're alright".
MIL: (and she's right) "Oh you know .. it's one of those dam&ed if you do dam&ed if you don't situations .. if I'd of called her, that would've scared the daylights out of her .. I don't call her in the mornings, she calls me .. if she'd of seen me calling her .. she'd of panicked something is wrong ... and so I thought ... I thought I could just briefly do this and handle it and not have the flares shoot up that the world has come to an end .. that she can't reach me ... and you know you can't get off the phone with her, if she'd just ask a quick *are you alright* and let it go at that .. but you know how she is, she does ramble on and on .. so I don't know, when I did talk to her, she said "OH MOTHER .. we've got to work out something different here .. maybe I'll start calling you later in the morning .. in case you wanna do something like that".
Me: "you really should learn to text, .. perfect way not to get stuck on the phone with someone .. just text her and let her know that you're fine . you just wanna a little while to prepare some breakfast and that you'll call her .. ".
MIL: "yep .. that would probably be good but with these horrible arthritic fingers of mine .. I don't know that I could ever learn to do what you guys do with that texting".
Some more brief dialogue asking me again to alert DH .. in case he is in route that way .. that she's fine .. and her with some more dialogue as to .. "can't win here" ..
And with that, the conversation over.
Nothing else much going on .. except that I backslid a bit and had some problems as a result (my own fault I suppose) in .. haraunging DH about some things with regard to his mom .. and it didn't end well ...
I have got to get some thumb tacks and or nails, to close my mouth! It only serves to frustrate me. When will I learn .. my own mouth and haraunging/nagging .. DOES NO GOOD.
Keep us posted
This all has to do with the following. I go over there on Thursdays as we all know. Part of that visit on Thursdays as of this past two weeks this has commenced .. has been for me to sit in her master bedroom while she showers (fear she'll fall, her fear).
So .. the other day having been there, she once again showered while I was there.
Talking to DH later that day and he and I discussing my visit there and I told him what I'd done there .. as well as sitting so she can shower.
He .. look of sadness . hesitation on his face ... "so she only showers once a week now, when you go".
Me: "Yea I guess so, .. I don't think the elderly .. they don't get hot and sweaty and dirty .. maybe they don't need to shower daily .. like you and I do .. it wears her out anyway to do so".
DH: (sadness, concern on his face) .. "do you think maybe if I make some time on Sundays to go over there, she'd like to have an add'l shower and I can sit there so she can do so".
Me: "I don't know, ask her".
That was that.
Fast forward to the weekend .. and of course, some discussion between he and I as to church obligations and whatnot and my having inserted into the equation (stay out of it DORKER) ........... "okay what about your mom .. do you have to do thus and so after church on Sunday to see to so and so and so and so . and such and such .. and do you also need to go see about your mom?".
Well .. that was seen as "controlling" .. and he doesn't abide well by someone trying to "control" him, .. as it's said to me.
"Controlling" him as to .. his obligations at the church and whether that can be metted out to others to handle .. (some of the obligations at church .. it was my assertion that maybe he could get some better organization going at church . and divy up some of what needs doing there .. so that he can also have time to go see about his mom).
So that's the story of how .. my mouth that needs to be zipped .. .. landed in a problem.
Zip it.
Yes, repeated reminders to turn it on .. leave it on .. but that too would've failed .. she was on the toilet .. she doesn't ever use that cell phone . .. nor unplug it and keep it on her ...
I truly think the thing sits on its charger and has never been unplugged, ever.
Also worth noting: SIL did not blow up your phone during this mini-drama. That’s progress!
That DH is concerned about showers shows that the reality is slowly but surely hitting him about his mom's situation.
Be patient, it is going to happen soon and he will need you to help him because it is hard to have to take away a parents independence for their own safety and well being, no matter that it has been trumpeted for a couple years now, it will be hard, it is his mom warts and all.
Interesting talking to YD tonight .. and DH. YD had gone the other day to wash poochy for MIL.
YD expressing, from her visit .. about MIL and her so frail, so weak .. so tired .. and that she'd had lunch with her. That MIL was going about trying to make herself a sandwich (and YD too, sounds like) but YD took over, .. as YD puts it, "she just moves soooooo slow". Said MIL told her, "just make me 1/2 a sandwich .. I don't know if I can even eat that much .. I just don't have much appetite anymore these days". YD then going on from there to express .. she was in her PJ's. I responded,"she is most days" .. and YD expressing .. "she's so weak .. dad .. dad .. ya know .. dad .. (talking to her dad) ... she just goes just a few steps and has to sit down .. she's so weak". Her dad listening.
She could see this saddens him and said to him, "I'm sorry dad ...". He responded with just a bit of a grimace. She then talked of remembering when MIL would take her, when she was younger for hikes, take her to play tennis .. literally running on the tennis court, .. take her to the beach ... expressing to her dad that she realizes it's probably tough for him to watch his mom so frail. DH said, "I remember .. going camping .. she was big on that in my younger years... we'd go tent camping .. we've been all up and down the eastern half of this country camping".
YD expressing (at the ripe old age she is, 25 yo) .. "I hope I don't live that long ... that I am as frail and weak as she is". I asked her, "... what would you do to change MIL's situation if you could?". She responded, "nothing I don't guess .. I mean .. if she could/would go to AL maybe she wouldn't be as tired .. and she wouldn't be as lonely .. but that's not what she wants .. she wants to be in her home .. and so .. that's where she's happy .. as happy as she can be anyway .. she's in the twilight of her years .. and so .. nothing I don't guess .. I'd leave her be .. where she wants to be".
So I'm not the only one that reports her as being so so so compromised.
On another more positive note. Had a call from one of the church ladies from the Stephens Ministry and she wanted to know .. did I have any knowledge as to MIL's agenda and availability for her to go by and visit tomorrow .. wanted to check with me, before contacting MIL .. wants to just go by for a brief visit .. just to visit with her, did I know of any issues ongoing .. or plans that would impede that.
((I don't think this will be an issue, that I'm now somehow MIL's gatekeeper as to her availability .. I think it was just a matter this is all new .. and so .. she was trying to get a feel for the setting and what I know and what I don't, as to MIL and her availability and wellness)))
I answered her, .. she is mostly homebound, so you don't have to worry about her having anything in the way of plans per se ... the only impediment that I can speak to would be .. .like we talked about before .. elderly folks, they have good days and bad days .. and one never knows when or why it's just a bad day. So, yea .. .while you might set up to go see her, it could very well happen that she begs off .. not feeling up to it .. so .. as you and I talked about that before, .. you seem to have an awareness about that. That's about the only problem I can foresee . But yes, call her and see if she's agreeable to a visit tomorrow.
She called me back almost immediately and said she'd touched base with MIL and that she found MIL in good spirits and yes, willing/able for a visit tomorrow .. she is to go by and visit about 11 AM tomorrow.
So that's good news. Glad this woman is reaching out and following thru, but also glad that MIL was agreeable to the above.
And yes, ... very much so there is positive news, in that the little mini drama that ensued this morning, never made it's way to my phone via texts from afar.
Improvement. Hooray.
Helps to focus on the small changes that have been agreed to.
This time last year .. she was argumentative about MOW's. That's been agreed to and is running like a well oiled machine.
This time last year .. it was prohibited that "any" 3rd parties be brought into the scene, at all. That too has now changed.
Yesterday's little mini-drama. The neighbor apparently summoned by SIL (she also summoned DH .. I heard later .. but he was working and told SIL so, ..told her there's nothing he can do at that moment). The neighbor was summoned.
I can remember more times than I'd like to recall .. getting those calls, .. can you drop what you're doing and run go to mother's .. I can't get her on the phone and I know there wasn't anything of an appointment for today .. I'm just worried something has happened.
I know one time in particular that was really aggravating .. my kids all gone now (YD has since moved back in) and so my project was to redecorate a bedroom now .. and make it into just the guest bedroom I wanted .. and so I'd found a headboard at an antique store, way way south of here, .. about 1 1/2 hours away and was enroute to go get it. Got a call .. like above. Literally had to stop the car, turn around and come back this way . and phone the antique dealer and ask her to take a deposit on it, via my debit card .. and please hold it .. that I'd be there to get it .. so aggravated.
Having been summoned to drop what I'm doing .. run out there, to check on her, get there and find her car gone .. turned out in the end, she'd decided to go to the grocery store ....
Just stuff like that .. and her, at that time at least, refusing .. absolutely staunch refusal to involve anyone else in it all.
That has now changed. The neighbor was summoned yesterday when she couldn't be reached. There was a time that would've been me .. running in that direction .. only to find she'd taken her phone off the hook.
Grateful for small changes.
The fact that for a long long time, her only social outlet was me .. and whatever DH could join in on .. as to a lunch/dinner out. She wouldn't hear of any other arrangement. That too, .. she has now agreed to let those Stephens Ministry folks come by ..
Grateful.
I need to print this out and put it on my fridge when the .. (and I'm sure they'll come) frustrations of it all overwhelm me, .. and realize .. that changes are occurring .. ever so small and so slow . but it is changing.
Did some minor chores for her (ran to the grocery for a few things) and she was in the mood for a sub sandwich so grabbed her one (she offered if I want one, but I didn't).
Cleared her deck outside again of leaves and debris .. and swept in her garage where some leaves had blown in. Dragged out some bags of things she'd sat at her closet to sort thru, things she wishes to get rid of.
Nothing big.
Sounds like one of the church ladies was by there the other day for a visit and that went well.
She asked me if I could take her for her knee injection appt, which happens to be on a Thursday and I told her I'd do so. Mentioned she has another appt the next week, on a Tuesday but said she'd check with one of the church folks to see if they could take her. To which I responded, "that's a good idea, I'm sure they'd be glad to help you".
I got home and found DH here loading up the yard pump thing he ordered .. and on his way out there to get that installed. And apparently SIL left a *to do* list when she left back a few weeks ago, that he's to see to, while there.
So he's on his way out there to take care of that, and that hasn't been run up my flagpole one iota, and I'm pleased.
One other thing that has occcured .. might be interesting to get some takes here on it all. I know that my mission at this point is to zip my lip .. and say little to nothing .. as well as, stick firmly to my Thursday I have set aside to go in that direction.
With that in mind ... here's what occured the other day, at my behest .. and I don't like the outcome . but so be it.
In the interest of trying to be "proactive" rather than "reactive". We have .. somewhere out there blipping on the radar .. that MIL mentioned wanting DD to come by and cut her hair. Something DD has done for years for her. She had ceased doing so as her pregnancy grew more complicated, as well as after the birth of the twins . while she gathered her footing in managing that situation .. and so how MIL got her hair cut, .. really is beyond me .. I suppose she hobbled her way in her car, driving .. periodically and/or when SIL was in town, to the corner Hair Cuttery or whatever, don't really know, but I know that DD wasn't in a postion to do that for her, for many months.
So fast forward to now, and MIL mentions to me, while I was there last week .. "I need DD to come by here and cut my hair if she would, when she has a minute" she laughs .. as we all know, DD has no "minute" .. she's busy w/kids. I only responded, "You'll need to ask her if she has a few mins to do that", and left it at that. I figured when I went back this week, it would bump onto the radar again . but it didn't, thankfully.
I don't wish to be in the biz of directing traffic as to her needs.
I also .. bear in mind, ... don't wish to trade one obligation in all of this (caring for MIL's many needs) .. for another, .. watching babies, so that DD can then become Dorker Jr., to address all the 'need'. Not anything I wanna get into the biz of doing.
So at some point, DD mentioned having heard this latest news .. that MIL is in need of a haircut .. and I only hear this from DD simply because we'd been talking (not about the above) just talking .. and DD mentioned .. "Uggh. was thinking I might scoot over to G'ma and cut her hair, but I just can't, not in the mood .. just .. I'm in no mood to deal with it right now, her drama .. her nostalgia she lives in .. and then she talks incessantly and L (4 yo) talks incessantly, I'm just not in the mood".
This was the first indication I had that DD has been aprised of this newest "need".
DD then said something to the tune of wanting to kill two birds with one stone if possible, . she'd like to take the babies with her .. so that g'ma there .. can enjoy the babies .. while she gets to that chore, but that would mean someone has to assist .. she can't possibly run after what are at this point, two babies that are crawling everywhere and cruising on furntiure .. and cut hair too. Can't do that.
I didn't step up to the plate on that issue. And won't be.
It wasn't asked of me to do so. But I also didn't volunteer with a "oh well I'll go with you, and I'll chase em around .. while you cut hair".
Nope.
Reason .. I go on Thursdays and I plan to stick firmly to that .. unless there is some pressing need that maybe I need to go on a Tuesday instead to meet some need . .. and then nix going on my normal Thursday. But I don't intend to get in the biz of running out there more than once a week, now that I've kinda made this boundary .. I am working to stick to it, firmly.
Going out there to chase babies around in her house .. so that DD can then step up to meet his hair cutting need, . not anything I'm wanting to do.
Do I want DD to bring them here to my house and I'll watch them here, .. and she can go take care of her g'ma? Not really. That too, .. trading one obligation for another .. MIL and her many needs that must be met .. DD so kind to offer .. back when DH was blowing off steam .. that she would help. Well, .. she can .. and I'm sure is willing to do so.
BUT I'm all too aware of just how much need exists there .. and if they all think it viable that DD become Dorker Jr .. and step and fetch, which then necessitates someone step up to watch babies while she do so .. think again. Not anything I want to get into the biz of doing.
So, with all that said. In the interest of attempt to be "proactive" in the above, rather than "reactive". I said the following to DH (and it didn't go as I'd of liked it, so I dropped it).
Me: "Hey sounds like your mom is looking for DD to stop over there at some point to cut her hair for her .. I think DD wants to, if she can .. she wants to take the babies since your mom rarely sees them .. but she can't run around and chase them all over the place and cut hair too .. gonna need someone to look after them, so she can cut your mom's hair. I was thinking maybe on Saturday .. if you AND I .. can set aside some time .. we can both (He's never been left alone with the twins .. he's good with them, and enjoys them ... but it's only a select few that have been left alone .. a sole person to look after them, I'm one . there is only one other, and that's a g'ma in TN). I was thinking maybe if you and I can set aside some time on Saturday .. then we'll chase after busy babies and DD can take care of your mom's hair .. it's up to you, your thoughts?".
DH: "Ya'll are gonna do everything you can to screw up my turkey hunting aren't ya .. I had thought about trying to head to the camp this weekend to hunt!".
ME: "Ok, no biggie .. just a thought .. for all I care one of those other folks that's engaged in all this .. they can haul her to the corner Hair Cuttery at the strip mall, or it can grow to her ankles .. doesn't matter to me".
And I dropped it.
***This is the kinda thing that causes strife. I have set aside at time per week that I will go and help her, and I do so. He has not .. remember ... he has said .. he's not gonna do that .. set aside a given time .. of any sort/shape/form .. not gonna do it .. she needs something he'll do the best he can to go ... and take care of it .. but outside of that, no.
And .. MO (for whatever it's worth) .. he has been hunting some .. but he's also had some weekend responsibilities to the church that have kept him from the above recreation ......... (it's not me .. it's not that I am digging in my heels and the one preventing that he can't now get away ..and go hunt turkeys .. that's not anything I've dug in my heels on, and it's not even ME that needs his presence here .. it was just a suggestion .. to work around getting yet one of her many "needs" met .. to get DD there, to do so .. and be able to have babies there for her to visit .. that's all.
Just .. have been kinda disgusted by that .. but said nothing more about it.
At this point, if it comes up again . I'm going to defer to DD .. tell MIl again, 'yes that sounds good, get with her, to see what her schedule is to see if she can do that for you", .. and then when I get a call, "can you go with me to g'ma's .. so that I can cut her hair and will you watch the babies .. so that I can take em with me .. and she can visit them".
No. I go on Thursdays if you'd like to do it on a Thursday when I'm already there, .. I'll do it then .. but .. that means anything else MIL needs at that time, will have to be shelved .. not gonna be there all day to speak to what she might need from me, but also be there to babysit .. so that she can have that need met. No.
As far as I'm concerned, she can talk to one of the others engaged in all this (supposedly) and see if one of them can run her to the corner salon and get her haircut there .. outside of that, no .. not going to be stepping into this slippery slope of "more need".
And no the above was not dutifully reported to her son or daughter, by me.
It's called evenly hovering naive inquiry. It's a useful technique with elders and little kids. You don't attach any emotional valence to your question.
Do elderly not possess the ability to discern that saying those kinds of things to someone makes that someone then think, .. "yea shame you choose to live alone and not in a more supported environment".
I don't say it, because I have no intention of going onto the grounds of that debate.
My observation is that the above is in fact accurate. She isn't saying those words without any base in fact. She is so tired .. all the time .. and she is always a hair's breath from fallilng.
I purposely didn't even look at her ankles/feet .. don't know the situation there with any edema.
Still a struggle for me, watching how compromised she is, and the knowledge this is what she "chooses" as to her living arrangements. I don't get it. I try to put myself in her shoes and imagine myself in the same predicament and I don't think I'd be as stubborn and dug in as to staying in my home. A home that I can no longer really manage .. as to the things that break, etc. .. can't even barely get from point A to B without being absolutely spent/exhausted.
It's just interesting.
As I sat making a list for her, as she called out the few things she needed from the grocery .. she would say things like, "I'd like some lunch meat, .. but just like only 1/4 lb. at the deli .. I don't need much, you know I have no appetite really anymore".
This after she'd just polished off what I consider to be a reasonable amount of a bowl of cereal with chopped fruit in it .. and 2 slices of toast with jelly. That's a "normal" amount that someone might eat .. yet she says it .. anytime that food is being discussed, "you know I just don't even really have any appetite anymore". But I watch her eat what is a 'normal' portion that anyone else would eat .. and polish it off. Wonder why she has a perception of herself that her appetite is nil anymore .. that isn't really accurate.
She laments the loss of her estranged son .. a lot, if given the opportunity to go there. That she has struggled, more than any of us know, to try to figure out what she did so wrong that a son would turn his back on her, .. and in spite of all her efforts, .. apologies for things she doesn't even have any recognition of having done .. writing countless letters begging him to not do this and to no avail .. and that he would turn his back not only on her, but on the entire family .. and have nothing to do with any of the family, because she is so horrible in his view that it's wroth separating himself from the entire family.
I did tell her she might want to consider some grief counseling .. and I got kind of a blank stare and a response of: "I just don't think I will ever understand it".
She says the following of the above: "I'm sure that when you guys went to see him a few years ago, he must've said some absolutely horrible things about me, that you guys won't tell me .. I can't imagine what I've done to him that he hates me so deeply".
She's right, her son did say some horrible/deplorable things when we went to see him .. some downright awful things that one should never say about a mom .. unless that mom was doing things like putting out cigarettes on their child's forehead .. and she didn't do anything like that. She's right. He did say awful things. But she's also right, we don't tell her ..
I don't go there, ... I change the subject. I'm not a licensed mental health therapist and I don't even know that someone skilled in that vocation could work thru it all. I'm certainly not going to try it. I just change the subject and move on.
She talks of the fact that the son mentioned above, .. as two sons of his own and they too, never call her. I don't think they have any specific dis-taste for her. I think the reason they don't call her has to do with maybe how uncomfortable they are with the whole situation. Their dad is estranged from the entire family .. and for them to present themselves front and center, puts them in the position of perhaps feeling as though they need to give an accounting as to their father and the approach he has taken .. and they have no explanation at all. Those sons, they don't call any of us .. not a part of our lives at all.
All in all, it's a much better set up, the way things are presently as to my engaging in it all. I was once, on the scene so much that I was .. and still am .. so badly burned out with it all .. beyond that if there's even a term for what that would be. To just place myself on Thursday mornings in that proximity .. works much much better for me.
And when it's time for me to go .. I go. She asked that I sit with her and split her sub sandwich that she'd had me get her .. sit and have the other half of her sandwich. But I'd already been there about 3 1/2 hours, wasn't hungry, had other things that I needed to get accomplished for the day and so I said my g'byes and was gone, til next time.
Glad that the church lady had gone by the other day .. and they visited for a while. Glad. There was a time .. this time last year, there was absolute staunch refusal that anyone else be brought to the forefront on this whole thing. At one time, prior to that, I was the sole source of any socialization (along with many other needs) and at some point in it all, I wore thin, as to being able to be all things to her.
It is a comfort to me, to know that when I say my g'byes .. and am gone onto what else I need to be doing .. that she has "other" outlets as to people to talk to.
It's just kind of interesting the whole thing. But yes, I can feel it when I'm there, to not engage too much .. in some of what she talks about .. (her woes with her health issues, her son .. so forth). Just superficial conversation. And then I'm gone.
Yesterday when I was there, .. apparently her bi-weekly housekeeper that was to have been there on Wednesday, didn't show up. Not typical of the housekeeper.
The housekeeper, known to be pretty tardy and not punctual at all, .. but not known as a "no show", she never came, never called. Unusual for her.
MIL had waited and waited, .. housekeeper is to arrive by 9 AM .. on every other Wednesday .. but it was 10:00 then 10:30 and on and on, and no phone call, no housekeeper.
Finally, it sounds like, at about 11:30 or so, she put in a call to the housekeeper .. and then she was informed of the following. We've known . with this specific housekeeper she has a client that she works for, lives in a very affluent area of town and she's almost like on a retainer with this elderly guy .. he pays her handsomely to be a jill of all trades, housekeeping and just about anything else that he might need, and on a moment's notice. But in exchange, there is expectation that she will drop everything to go in his direction on a moment's notice. And she does so, .. she is well compensated by him for this.
Turned out the above scenario is what had taken her away from her normally scheduled Wednesday to come in MIL's direction. Don't know why there was no phone call from her, to MIL, to inform her of that .. but nonetheless .. when she was reached by MIL, the above was the explanation as to her absence there. She then expressed to MIL that she was enroute to her, presently on her way .. and MIL now incensed by this .. declined. MIL telling her, without anger to her tone, so it's related to me by MIL .. though she surely was angered by it .. at least call .. (and I agree with her, at least call) . but MIL now angered by this .. and in no mood to deal with it any further, declined having her come that specific time and told the housekeeper to just skip it for this time.
Housekeeper then .. offered to come Friday .. that she could squeeze her in on Friday and MIL declined this also .. (incensed by the whole thing). MIL then asking the housekeeper, "Tell ya what?, when is it you are next scheduled to come here?". Housekeeper said, "well it won't be until Wednesday after next", MIL then saying to her, "well you just keep that normally scheduled appt and I'll see you when you come Wednesday after next, don't worry about trying to fit me in between here and then .. just go on with your day and don't worry about coming this way".
MIL relating all this to me .. and how it had really angered her, in truth .. that the woman didn't even so much as call her . to let her know she'd be running late, or offer to reschedule. I agree with that sentiment. But . MIL's feeling .. "I was just so put out with it all, .. I just said nevermind ...".
So ...
Now in the b'ground of all this, .. this housekeeper .. the communication that goes on .. for the most part, is between she and SIL from afar .. and SIL pays her, not MIL.
Sounds like housekeeper then put in a call to SIL .. to let her know that MIL had declined this week's service, and that she'd been running late, and so forth, her explanation .. and so forth .. but that she'd offered to come right then, or on Friday .. but MIl declined.
This then set in motion much micro-direction from afar, .. a phone call to MIL from SIL .. and a whole lot of hooey with regard to "now mother, . you need to let her come, what do you have to do on Friday that she can't come then .. she said she could come right now, why not just let her come .. you need her to come .. she needs to vacuum and dust and mop your floors and change your bed sheets .. you need to let her come".
MIL expressing all this to me, in aggravation, her words, "You know that daughter of mine she's so busy trying to manage my lilfe from up there .. and I'm trying to tell her, NO I Don't need to let her come .. I'm fine here, don't worry about it", and back and forthing it's going.
In the end, .. MIL won that one .. and the housekeeper won't be coming again until her next regularly scheduled appt.
So, .. how does my having set in place the boundaries I now exercise .. and limitations .. how is the above any impact at all to me?
Because at one time, this would've .. I'm sure, with SIL spinning like a top out of control and bumping into walls in every direction on the whole thing .. would've sent her spinning in my direction .. with a "she's just being so hard headed .. can you .. when you're there, just go ahead and do some light cleaning for her ..stuff that the housekeeper would've done .. she just won't let her come, she's being so damned stubborn".
That would've surely landed in my lap to deal with ........... I am absolutely 1000% sure of it!
Instead, .. I didn't know a thing about it, until I landed at MIL's yesterday (on Thursday) and she asked me to change her bed sheets for her, and went into the above as explanation as to why she needed me to do that .. something which her housekeeper normally does for her.
I did so, .. not a problem.
She also mentioned while I was there, that her kitchen floor needs mopping, feels sticky/gritty. No, I didn't take up the torch to take care of that for her.
Too bad.
Didn't even acknowledge she'd said that.
Reason: "I'm not going to step into what is not mine to address .. she has a housekeeper .. if there are issues there, those need to be addressed outside of my realm .. I don't have any interest in bridging the gap on that issue and now becoming the backup to a setting that might find me now picking up that torch to carry. As far as I'm concerned .... she could've .. perhaps should've worked "WITH" the housekeeper to get something on the radar as to when/if the housekeeper could come and she tried, from what it sounds like, the housekeeper did .. to accomodate that. But MIL being stubborn and angry about the whole thing, declined.
So .. no .. I'm not interested in picking up the slack there.
Had I not drawn some limitations on my involvement in all of this ........... the above would've most certainly have been directives sent in my direction to pick up and run with.
So grateful you folks have helped me to see where there needs to be some firm boundaries in all this.
Spot on, Dorker. Not your problem to solve.
Time was, many years ago, when I too would have been guilty of that "offended, me? No, why would I be offended and put out that you stood me up for another client and didn't even bother to let me know your change of plan..."
If I am grateful to my ex-husband for anything, it is for teaching me the Rudiments of Constructive Complaining.
Nothing wrong with saying to the housekeeper "if you need to alter the plans, you need to let me know."
Nothing wrong with saying "actually, that's not okay. Ring-fence my hours, please; and if you really can't then we'll work out something else, no hard feelings."
But no, no, if she'd rather just seethe in private and go without a clean floor... it's up to her.
SIL needs to find MIL a housekeeper who is free to take on MIL as a client. Not just give her somebody else's leftovers when she gets around to it.
But yes, couldn't agree more: the main point is that this is Not Your Problem.
In reading your DH story about Sunday - at first i was a little like - "what an azz" but then i thought - he went out and did his Mr Fixxit stuff - which he does, but he himself is protecting his boundaries - he likes turkey hunting and he will go turkey hunting. If MIL doesn't like it - she only has herself to blame - either by being the kind of person he doesn't want to be around or for choosing to live in a house she cannot manage.
Good job not taking up problems that are not yours.
It's great to see things change for you. I think this is the "one day at a time" phase as anything can happen, but for now MIL has it her way and for you it sure sounds so much better. KUDOS!
Accepting a re-schedule didn’t have nearly enough drama for Queen Bee.
So instead? A 10-day snit. Phone calls & texts pinging around the country. Overly long re-tellings about....nothing, really.
Laying the foundation for the real juice: trying to reel in Dorker.
No no no no no no no.
Also — I’m in no position to comment on SIL’s finances. But maybe she could up the ante and find a housekeeper who is more reliable and more professional?
SIL is heck-bent on having everything “just so” for dear old Mom. Yet she is fine with half-azzing a good bit of it. (The washer fiasco comes to mind. Like I mentioned before, whatever sorry-sack technique MIL uses to wash clothes is the same way SIL kept her own clothes clean for a 3-month visit. HELLO CRAZY.)
So many personality disorders, so little time.
Uhm .. okay
Wanna count how many times she has been out there to "walk" on her d/w since SIL left almost 3 weeks ago?
0, zip, nadda, none.
Okay SIL, knock yourself out .. whip out MIL's debit card to pay for something she doesn't even need, but it makes you feel good to dot every "i" and cross every "t" that could possibly even be thought of to do. Knock yourself out.
And as to DH ... and is being an a** about the whole "you all are going to do everything you can to get in the way of my turkey hunt for the weekend".
That was all proposed as a means of getting MIL's hair cut . by DD .. and so that DD could bring the kiddos for MIL to enjoy in that same setting.
My feeling, It's "HIS" mom .. and "HER" needs .. and if she wants her haircut and by the person to attend to it, DD .. who also happens to be the mother to what are her great-grandchildren ..and those great grandchildren need attending to, so that "HIS" mom can have one of her "NEEDS" met. Then .. as far as I'm concerned "HE" can step up to make sure those great grandchildren are attended to, so that DD can then step to meet that need of his mom's. But his response,"Yall are gonna do all you can to get in the way of my turkey hunting".
I dropped it. Don't care. As I told him, "it was just a suggestion, I don't care .. maybe one of the "others" in this (supposed) "team" can haul her to the corner hair salon for a haircut .. or it can grow to her ankles, matters not to me".
Bottom line, I go on Thursdays and am quite content with that as my only involvement. I don't care to step to, .. so that another day can see one of her numerous needs met .. and that can now be accomodated by those on this supposed team (me) .. now stepping to.
If he doesn't care to make it happen .. nor do I.
It's interesting listening to DH, vent. He'd gone out there yesterday to install whatever that pump is, for her irrigation system. Part of what's on his radar with that whole thing are the sprinkler heads in the yard .. and attending to those, are they working ..??.... are they "all" working ...???....are they aiming as they should ...???...under the proper pressure each ..???....so forth and so on.
He is fully aware of what is entailed in completing this project .. he's on that page, knows what to do ..
So he finishes installing the yard pump .. yesterday .. and I guess, as a means to get his sister out of his backside (don't know that she's been in his backside .. but I would be she has) .. he sent a text, "Just letting ya know the yard pump is now installed, going to be checking on the sprinkler heads".
She then texted him back asking that he check on the
One by the back bedroom, and the one by the back door, and the one that shoots over in the corner front bedroom is aimed wrong, and something is wrong with the one by the driveway
...........and so on it went.
Him expressing his frustration with it all (the micromanagement).
Said he didn't even answer any of the above. No response.
His words to me, "I JUST SAID that I would be checking out the sprinkler heads ... I don't need her telling me each step of the way, what to do". Frustrated.
Sounds like there are some other "to do" items on a checklist for him, .. and so .. if he doesn't wanna give up his "turkey hunting" weekend to now see to it that his mother can have a visit by great g'kids as well as have a haircut .. so be it.
And yes, this housekeeper . she has several clients throughout the city .. not just this wealthy/aflluent guy in a well to do area of town. She comes biweekly .. and .. I guess, not known to be particularly punctual. But "no show" .. that's new.
I just thought .. hearing MIl re-tell the whole thing .. "Thank GOD I'm not in this anymore, for SIL to now run up my flagpole that poor poor MIL will now have grimy floors and floors that need vacuuming and furntiure that needs dusting and toilets that need scrubbing, ..................... since MIL decided to fling her little fit of drama and not make way for the housekeeper to then come .. late yes .. very very late .. or even another day as was offered. No .. have your two week fit of drama and enjoy your floors that need vacuuming and furniture that needs dusting and toilets that need scrubbing ..
Nice, yes, .. feels nice to have some boundaries and not every little hiccup that occurs .. blips up onto my screen to then address it.
Boundries. A wonderful concept.