I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
For instance .. we all love antiques and our homes are decorated as such .. and she has some really great stuff.
An example of one item .. a big huge spinning wheel like you'd of seen in Colonial Days ..
That was to have gone to . now estranged brother .. and that suited all of us fine . none of us have room for it (it's big). But . now . now that estranged brother . is nowhere to be found . .that items remains up for grabs.. But none of us want it .. we don't have a spot for it. So .. estate sale ..??... I don't know.
Her dishes .. her everyday dishes .. YD always loved them . those go to her.
In fact, .. she wants YD to have her diamond from her wedding ring .. that's been cleared up .. no one else wants it . we all have diamonds . and none of us are big jewelry folks anyway.
She has a big beautiful round oak kitchen table .. DD has always wanted it . it's her's . says MIL. She has a big beautiful brass headboard king size bed . it's her's .. DD's .. spoken for.
She has an old .. old .. old .. old fashioned spring loaded bed .. and that belongs to YD .. if she wants it . and she does.
I want her dining room suit . it's mine .. been named to me.
Her car .. a 2003 Toyota Camry .. with very low mileage . goes to B .. he wants it. It's his to take.
SIL gets her china and crystal ..
She has an old antique phone hanging on the wall, . think the days of The Waltons on tv .. that old kinda thing .. that goes to OD .. she wants it . she gets it ... SIL and myself already have one . in our homes . just like it.
So .. a lot of what she has .. has already been divied out .. and spoken for . per wishes talked about with MIL herself thru the years. And it has, in some cases, stickers on it, on the underside as to who gets it.
They want me to sign POA .. they "say" so that they can file for Medicaid ..
Well .. they need Medicaid for funding An AL
I'm not the least bit interested in an AL or any other site .. so no .. I'm not signing it.
I truly don't think she's that sharp .. I don't.
Remember I've been on this train for a L.O.N.G. time that she needs a cog assessment . and met a brick wall. Hasn't ever been done ..
Just to be safe.
And apparently SIL is feeling better. Because she’s back to saying nonsense like this with a straight face:
“oh well maybe if she knows . that if you can't do these things . then your next stop is a nursing home . she'd rise to the occasion.“
Annnnnd MIL is telling y’all in no uncertain terms that she refuses to be placed. She ‘must’ go back to her home.
Last but not least, still no POA.
I second the idea that you need [NEED] a sit-down with the elder-care lawyer before the 13th. Call, call and call again.
I also agree with keeping SW apprised. Be SW’s squeakiest wheel; and be direct about asking for what you need. See what sort of blocking/re-directing/stalling SW can conjure.
Hang tough, Dorker. This is exasperating.
I hate to hear MIL, well, she’s not cooperating.
I do have a question. If MIL was cooperating, wasn’t the first stop to be LTC? For maybe 2-3 months as a fast track to AL?
If MIL should decide to start cooperating does the family have any choice as to which LTC facility (2-3 months) MIL is placed?
LTC's . viewed .. pretty dreadful places and one that will cause in MIL .. a lot of .. oh what's the term .. she'll either give up and quit living .. or .. she will be an absolute miserable shrew for having been put in such a God Forsaken place.
Dreadful in that they are the home to the slumpers of all nature that don't know who/where they are.
The one we viewed the other day . .seemed in our opinion . a little too chaotic .. maybe .. that would be the term. It just seemed not orderly and disheveled.
The one viewed today before going to that AL that I question whether her functionality or lack thereof . would be a suitable setting, before that we visited an LTC. Not as disshevled and chaotic .. as the one the other day .. seemed more orderly there ..
But .. a LOT of slumpers there.
Old old guy .. looked dead .. I assumed they'd checked him for a pulse .. otherwise, I'm certain he'd expired. Laid out in a recliner in the hall . .gone . gone gone .. mouth gaping open .. legs sprawled in every direction . gone .. (obviously deep asleep) .. and many others .. just not as gone as him . also in that same vicinity . around the nurse's desk. I know why they do that . they put those that need to be watched . nearby . I get it.
But for those who are functional . at least enough to get up and ambulate around on their walker . and don't view themselves as anywhere near old (MIL) .. to be living in that setting is gonna be .. a nightmare.
But no two ways about it, it's the path forward . .period .. can't fight city hall. She's gonna go the way of a short-stay at an LTC .. that's all there is to it .. (unless she digs in her heels and then APS awaits . at some point).
But .. so ... AL .. is 60 to 90 days or so ahead of us .. and AL placement fits that bill.
Right now, it's LTC that is next on the radar .. and a stay of 60 to 90 days.
Whooo!
And lest anyone think DH the lone hold out on all this.
After today's stand down between MIL/SIL . and as we were departing . who was coming in for a visit . but DH (obviously had left work in the area) and our son in law . on their way in . as we were on the way out.
Stopped and apprised him he was walking into a minefield . as to what had transpired moments earlier before we departed.
He arrived to his mom's room and I guess she started in on him, that she's not going anywhere but home.
He countered that .. explained why . much the same as SIL had done . .. and then added to his mom .. (I'm glad he said this to her) .. "Mom . don't think this is a cake walk for any of us, but don't think either . that there will be a conquer and divide . .. we are all gut wrenchingly heart broken this has to happen . but we are all also of one accord . it does HAVE TO HAPPEN".
Also went as far as to tell his mom; "Mom you didn't have to wade these waters with your folks . you didn't have to do this . and it's heartbreaking .. and you're not making this any easier on any of us .. and it's nothing we .. any of us .. want to do . but it IS necessary .. you can't live alone anymore .. . we've tried it . it failed .. we tried having you live with sister . you hated it .. and didn't want to live there .. sister can't and won't live here and give up her life . .and we don't any of us have the resources to hire in house c'givers . and we're not going to give up our lives . .much as you also weren't required to do so with your own folks . this is hard as h3&7 for all of us . I'm not sleeping at night (very true) . and we're gonna all get through this .. but you aren't going home".
Her answer to that: "Well it should be hard as h377 . .and you should be loosing sleep over this .. ".
I don't know what else was said .. but that is the sum of it.
MiL is going to write her own script I'm afraid, fighting all the way down. She needs to be careful, or she might just fight her way straight to a NH, IF she doesn't put all her efforts into getting stronger. I would hate to give her an ultimatum, but it may come down to "get better or you Will and up in a NH", so I'd talk to the SW and see how to go about persuading her to fly right without coming right out with threats of a NH, because then you will really have a bear on you hands.
This is going to get tough, so you all need to be a united front as you never have been before. One step at a time though, you're doing great!
It honestly doesn't sound to me either like MIL could manage in the AL that was toured earlier. The family owned one may be better since it sounds like she'll receive more personal attention there and it will be more geared to her individual needs (which I bet MIL will like better too even though she'll have to tolerate some slumpers).
An attorney would be good too, and could draw up the necessary POA paperwork (before the assessment), but it hinges on the cognitive assessment as to whether the POA could be invoked right now.
1. Medicare would run out and basically kick her out of the rehab.
and
2. If she went home alone, the government would most assuredly step in to check things, and at that point THEY would be in full charge and remove her from her home, take everything, and place her wherever the heck they found a place, which could be anywhere in the state, and could be a hell hole. NO ONE who loves her at that point would have any say in anything that happened.
THAT was the choice. (Also, a little lying as SW Betty suggested, that of course, IF she actually did improve to the point of being able to bathe, cook, not fall, toilet herself, etc. - they would still come and check on that, but if she was able, they would not interfere.) I asked her honestly - Do you think you can do all those things??? Mom knew in her heart that she wasn't able, so agreed, with the idea still that IF she did get better, she could go home.
Dorker - the family place you mentioned sounds much like where my mom eventually went, and it did work out really well. Everyone was dressed each morning, without help or with help if needed, and all went to breakfast. My mom hated that too, at first, but because it was "the rule", she had to agree, and it did perk her up somewhat, being made to socialize, at least in a limited way. Some walked, some were wheeled. They really worked the idea of "we are all family here." And it actually seemed like that. Mom started to gab with a few of the others, and seemed to like them. The people can go up and down real fast... slumpers and wheelchairs can happen in a few months (like MIL that night when she was too weak to even stand.) I noticed my mom went up and down like a yo-yo, and others there did too, good days and bad. But the family-type AL did as they said. When more attention was needed, they fully provided that. Bed-changing, help with Depends, dressing reisdents, even hospice was seen through til the end there. They were truly angels, and I got to know each attendant there well over time. They allowed family members to come in at any time, 24 hours a day, and my sister and I were with mom in the middle of the night when she peacefully drew her last breath. No machines, a quiet peaceful room surrounded by her stuff... almost like being home.
And her response should actually give both of them some relief. Sound weird?
People who are thinking clearly, who have a realistic grasp on their situation, people who are PARENTS, do not want the people who are doing everything for them to feel like so much dog meat. They just don’t.
MIL DESIRES that her kids feel like dog meat. Not cool.
A mentally intact parent (who isn’t a sociopath) who is facing one of life’s challenges can say the situation sucks and have a good cry. But they make it clear through those tears that they are resolved to do what needs to be done. That they are so grateful for the ENORMOUS effort on the part of their offspring to help keep them at home. That it is time for said offspring to take care of their own lives.
A reasonable, loving parent would find a way forward, asking only for love and moral support and maybe some help with the paperwork and moving.
Her nasty response, if they let it, can be a blessing in disguise. It can build their armor for this battle. She is not firing on all cylinders. She is not ever going to be happy anywhere. That is no longer the goal. The goal is safety.
PS. What in the world is the repeated comment on how she is the only one that has to give anything up? Is there a mouse in MIL’s pocket? Who else SHOULD be giving something up? (Oh, the snotty, snarky comebacks that come to mind in these situations. I would never do it to a mentally compromised elder, but wow, sometimes I am surely tempted, lol.)
One small thing, I agree with whoever upthread mentioned not discussing it much and focusing talk only on rehab at this point. Too much info and ammunition is being supplied to MIL. Lesson one I remember hearing from the Teepa Snow videos... logic goes but they retain their creative (right brain) abilities. Manipulation seems to be on of those abilities:)
Good luck, Dorker. Still rooting for you and SO impressed as you hold your ground.
The fear of the great THEY (gov't) stepping in and taking over everything was enough to sway my mom to want to move on the POA. That, and not having to think about bill paying, paperwork, or money at all, which had become too much for her.
I said: She has a RM .. the home will be gone"
Her: "not tomorrow it won't . it will take some time .. but .. lie to her . .and tell her if she gets strong enough she can go back home . but we all know . at 89 . that's not gonna happen . but it's too much .. you're taking from her all at once, her supposed independence .. her home, her things . her dog .. it's too much . so make her think she can go home at some point lie to her .. we all know it's not gonna ever happen .. but make her think it's possible .. and then at some point .. a few months down the road . when she has had time to acclimate . and is adjusting better . at that point you can make up anything you want .. "Mom the mortgage people are demanding we give the house back . .so we're going ahead with that and besides .. you've not been able to get strong enough to live alone anyway".
The other AL . the one that's about 5 mins from here .. that one, the family owned one, the one "we are a family here" . interestingly enough Medicaid Betty's father spent is last days there .. he'd gone there . an elderly . and some dementia . and before all was said and done .. Hospice .. coming and going . him there. She highly recommends the place ..
As to any cog assessment .. I've quit (temporarily) harping on that, .. going on the assumption she has all her faculties (she does not) .. so that a POA can in fact be signed (if she will do so).
SIL has already reached out to the MD who is to see her tomorrow and explain to her, and hopefully start a small dose of Zoloft .. and ... she has reached out to get initiated . a psych consult for some counseling to work thru some of this.
We have the atty meeting scheduled for 3/15 .. tentative discharge date . is 3/13 ..
This to me, presents an enormous problem . and so .. trying to figure that path forward. We are calling the atty daily . and on their cancellation list they keep reminding us .. to try to get in sooner.
She is to go to (so it's said is the path via Medicaid and so forth) LTC .. for a short stay as "medicaid pending".
Uhm .. how is that gonna happen . when Medicaid app . won't even be initiated until 3/15? Two days after she is supposedly set for discharge from her present setting (a Rehab unit).
So . we are working that angle .. trying to see if . will Medicare/Supplement .. will they agree to keep her in that setting for a few more days .. at least .. (maybe because of her gout'd up hand at this point . impeding her allotted days of Rehab ...???....maybe that alone can buy a few more days ..??... we don't know) .. asking ..
How is any site going to accept her as "quote" .. "MEDICAID PENDING" .. "unquote" . when Medicaid pending . .isn't even initiated on the 13th . her supposed discharge date. It won't be pending . until the atty actually does it ... and that won't happen til we see him on the 15th . two days later .. after discharge from rehab.
So .. we're working that angle presently also . what to do about that .. this guy is supposedly . the best . they all work with him, are familiar with him . so we don't wanna just go cold to another atty . he's supposedly the best at it all .. but damnit .. he is booked and can't get us in til 3/15 .. unless there is a cancellation . and they know, they know, they know . we call them daily to remind them . we'll come in on a moment's notice .
From what you have said about MIL, it doesn’t doesn’t like the AL you toured would be a good fit for her. You know that she’s not going to go down without a fight and this facility apparently requires a lot of cooperation. Do you really think that she is going to cooperate? She’s going to be required to get up & her dressed, as well as report to the dining room for meals (that seems a little strict to me but I am sure they have good reason for those requirements). I could totally see her stomping her foot and refusing to cooperate out of protest.
a therapeutic fib may be in order here, like the one told to emilysue’s mother. Perhaps MIL would be more agreeable if you told her that if she goes home and something happens (and that something WILL happen) the government will come in put her in the facility of their choice and she won’t have a say in any of it? It is true that if you let her go home and something happens, APS will get involved when the unsafe living situation is reported. I don’t think she should be lied to but maybe a little embellishment is in order here.
I'm going to float EmilySue's lie past SIL .. see if she thinks that we should try it.
I mean afterall, I did speak up to MIL . "you heard the SW . she said you'd need 24/7 support . that has been reported .. and so . if we don't get that for you . somebody is going to come looking . to make sure your'e cared for . if you aren't . then they'll just put you wherever they find a spot . may even be out of town .. and in God knows what kinda place .. we have to do this".
See what SIL thinks of that as an embellishment ...
I think it would fly and buy a bit of cooperation on MIL's part, I really do ..
And as to whether that finer AL ..would she "try" to comply or stomp her feet in protest ..
It sounded to me .. like they make it kinda clear there . to residents .. in their site .. that their requirements are X, Y and Z .. there is "some" flexibility there, in times of ailments, etc .. a bit .. but if it's a repeated pattern .. "Look . she knows the expectation here is that she dress herself daily .. and she doesn't have to come to the dining room for every meal/every day . but at least one meal . we've talked about it, . counseled her .. and she still is not doing so .. we are going to have terminate her stay here . she needs a different setting where she can be helped to dress daily . or maybe they don't have that requirement.
I can see that being the case ...
I think they make it kinda clear .. when push comes to shove there, to their residents . that the next stop is NH .. and so with that motivator .. I think MIL would definitely "TRY" .. to get up and get dressed.
But that's where SIL and I differ in opinion. I think she would try .. but it's not achievable . not on any kind of a routine basis . (and that hasn't been required of her . she's lived in her home . and in SIL's home . .and PJ's have been suitable attire . .daily for her . for a long long time).
My experience with her, before she departed for IL .. if she had to dress for the day . for a doc appt, etc ... it was so all consuming and a long arduous .. tiresome/tedious, grueling process for her, it was near impossible. And when she was done dressing . she was spent .. it was like I'd run a marathon . just for her to get dressed .. spent. Ergo . she didn't .. ever . unless she had a doc appt..
SIL .. "well she dressed at my house if she had to be out to go to a doctor . she dressed . .on her own . sometimes she needed help with her socks and shoes . but she did it .. and got dressed".
Me: "But SIL . you have to stay in behind her . her time management skills .. nil .. you have to prompt her along and keep her moving . and she has to be aware of time . they serve meals at "X" time . and she has a requirement in this place, to present . front and center, dressed for the day ... you were there to help her, to prompt her, to manage the clock for her .. that won't be the case in this setting".
SIL: "That's true .. GOD does she need a lot of prompting".
Me over here .. <ya not sure this is the right place for her . sure the folks here look a helluva lot more functional .. and .. that in and of itself is gonna be more eye-appealing to MIL .. but . how functional IS SHE . that's the question>
Edit to add: I really didn't think of these things as lies. IF a miracle from God suddenly made mom totally functional and capable and age-reversed, sure - she would go home. And also, if APS found out she was living alone as she intended, in her state, I believe those type of placements can and do happen... (not 100% sure how that works, but I have heard of that sometimes, I think.) ?
1. The place recommended by the Church ladies sounds like Independent Living facility, not Assisted Living. Assisted Living, by definition, provides help with ADLs like dressing.
2. Is it realistic for SIL to be telling her mom to wear regular underwear in rehab? Is MIL dressing herself? I think SIL should put that question to staff.
3. Is MIL always this nasty? Or is that a symptom of another UTI?
4. Good for DH for standing up to his mom!!!
The paper MIL signed agreeing to self pay for any additional days needed. Can that be used? SIL writing the check out of MILs funds of course. Unless this has to be a straight Medicare transfer from rehab to LTC. I would ask SW or Betty Medicaid if that angle could be used to stretch the discharge date passed the attorney appointment.
Can MIL afford her home, going forward? Does her SS and pension cover her day to day expenses or is she drawing on the RM each month?
If she's down to her last 20k, something needs to change. Maybe basing this argument on her financial need will make it more palatable.
"So mother, you say you don"t care about your safety and that you don't want to be a burden, but who do you call when you get sick or fall or need help with the dog? Us. And we have to drop what we're doing and rush to your 'emergency'. We cant make any kind of plans for ourselves or our grandkids because we never know when something is going to happen to you. WE need for you to be someplace where there are folks who can help you when you need help. We can't live like this anymore".
So if the resident only goes to the dining hall for one meal and meals aren't brought to the room, then how does the resident get the other two meals/day?
A lot happened yesterday, Dorker. I'm sorry (but not surprised) that MIL is getting feisty about not going back home. I'm so glad that SIL and H answered her in no uncertain terms that she canNOT go back home. She really is narcissistic, isn't she? I don't care how cognitively challenged she is, she's not that bad that she shouldn't realize all that people have had to do for her for quite a while now.
Does she whine a lot about not seeing Poochy much? That would be interesting to know.
I am confused about the rules that one must go to a NH for 2-3 months as Medicaid-pending and then go to the less-expensive AL. Why is that? If MIL doesn't qualify for a SNF, then why would she have to go for 2-3 months? Or else I'm not understanding your term "LTC facility." I would think "LTC facility" could mean SNF or AL.
As (I think it was Barb) and I mentioned, one can get an extra day or two of Medicare-funded rehab by filing an appeal. My mother was able to get days beyond this on appeal because of non-working fax machines, records not requested correctly, etc.
And when my mother was brought to a trust attorney to have POA and other paperwork done, the meeting with the attorney determined what paperwork was needed, and then I brought my mother back at a future time (a week or two?) to actually sign all of the prepared documents. This happened a few years ago, and also this past December when some documents had to be revised. So make sure the elder attorney knows ahead of time that you will need the documents prepared on the spot (if they do such a thing).
I think MIL's money should be used for this elder attorney. Make sure to ask him that!
Dorker: I don’t know - specifically.
I DO know there are less-prepared families out there..... who oversee an elder who is (at least) as selfish/intractable/stingy-with-POA than MIL..... yet that elder somehow gets placement in response to his/her irreversible decline.
And the money is figured out later. Not much later! But later.
Whatever goes down, make sure MIL is the one who signs all papers related to her upcoming transfer. The signature defines WHO is - ultimately - financially responsible.
Simple and sweet: MIL is sitting on 20K that needs to be burned up before Medicaid will kick in. So - the sooner the better.
As for care facilities that offer “Medicaid-pending” status, it’s just that: pending.
Gotta trust, Dorker. Just a little! I know it’s hard..... with all the flying monkeys in your line of vision.
Do remember: the SW & intake staff @ future facility & elder-care lawyer are NOT flying monkeys. They are the best thing that’s happened to this trainwreck.
Granted, some bad timing & crossed wires here and there. But let the professionals do their job.
MIL’s 20K will get her into wherever she needs to be. The professionals will turn it into something sustainable.
Possibly not ideal. But definitely sustainable.
Calm your mind, Dorker! Take it one hour at a time.
I believe there was an extra charge of $25 per meal to bring a meal to the room, which discouraged that!
<Hooray for SIL pointing that out>
Doesnt though, cause any epiphany in MIL that she suddenly sees the situation for what it is. Not at all.
Her come back at that "I'm just a victim here and you all want to take away my choice in all this. I will say when that time comes, this is my life here"
To which SIL pointed out "I probably would feel just like you do ... I understand. But the fact is mother you do have a say so, you wanted to return to FL. You didn't want to have to be in IL ... and we listened and you're back in FL. So you're not a *victim*."
Folks, DH has always said of her, thru and thru, she is in some academy award winning drama as the star player, acting out her own play.
Thats on full display in this.
For too long ... her drama filled pleas bought her just that. SIL a supporting actress to MIL's play and DH in a bit part, in the background.
Only, now the jig is up, nobody wants to see this play anymore
If something happens to the primary POA, you need at least 1 backup. Mthr wanted my husband to be her POA since men are so much better than women (what happened, she'd been a radical feminist all her life!) with me as backup. His firm will not allow him, so I'm POA by default.