I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
"But until he comes to any very real recognition this is all beyond his capability to handle..."
Is it your experience that people with impaired cognition are apt to recognise when their care has got beyond their capability?
And
Do you think this is going to be less of a mess if you wait until he's out of action altogether?
Admittedly, if he - God forbid - dies it will all become extremely simple. As long as you don't contest his estate. But if he just gets very ill, and the MPOA situation isn't sorted, and you feel duty-bound to step in at that point: you are going to be a sorry girl.
Get a grip and get the responsibility pinned on *somebody else.* Who? Don't care! As long as it's not you! Have you had a look to see if there are agencies who offer this kind of care co-ordination service? Brother's no good, and I'm DA*NED if you should let yourself get roped in. What, to have K sniping at you for your trouble? No thanks!
I know you've wanted to stay out of the fray of getting on the hamster wheel, and I don't blame you one bit...but...and I ask only for your own clarity and peace of mind...would you struggle with the "what ifs" if you don't intervene here, with the scan and oncology piece, would you be wondering later "what if I/we had acted sooner?"
Only you fully know your relationship with your dad, I just don't want you to be beating yourself up with guilt later about the "what ifs".
I had to call the Oncologist anyway .. as part of my todo list . just needed to know "where are you guys located".
In so doing .. I asked "So . let me ask you a question, my dad is to see Dr. J . .was dx'd while inpatient for pneumonia .. as having Squamous cell Lung Cancer . and so .. it was said by Dr. J when I talked to her, he'd see her on "x" date for an appt., and from there ... a PET scan will be ordered. So . is there any point at trying at this date .. to shake loose a PET scan in advance of that appt on Thursday so that we can have all available info for the appt?".
She put me on hold, .. "There is a PET scan scheduled for tomorrow .. at noon . at so and so location .. ".
Me: "There is???!?!?!?!? This is news to me, .. I don't think my dad knows this".
Rep at Oncology: "yes mam, .. we have been trying to reach out to your dad and haven't reached him accdg to our records . and yes, The PET scan was ordered by NP at Pulmonary Group on the 11th, we have it scheduled for tomorrow at noon".
Me: "Oh well okay let me try to reach him to make sure he knows this .. I know he has a brother coming to visit tomorrow, so I don't think that's on his radar . .but I'll make sure. Oh and let me ask you, . will the results be available to Dr. J by that Thursday appt?".
Oncology rep: "yes .. they'll be available".
Call my dad and it goes like this;
Me: "Hey dad .. I don't think you're aware . sounds like that NP in the Pulmonary Group did get a PET scan on order for you, it's scheduled for tomorrow at noon, are you aware of that?".
Dad: "Yea they reached me earlier, just a bit ago .. I was going to give you a call and let you know, I think I'll have the c'giver get me to that . and I'll take K along .. I don't think there will be any dx as such in that setting . but at least we can get that piece of it done .. and I'm assuming those results will then be available when we go to the oncology doc".
So I guess I'm the one with rocks for brains.
That NP .. to my memory and knowledge never said a word about getting that PET scan set up .. I guess I have rocks for brains. In the end, it is on the schedule, and the NP at Pulmonology is the one that ordered it .. and all my dad's noise that was so annoying . that the NP at Pulmonology was gonna see to that, and my argument, no . she's seeing about a PFT . not a PET scan .. I'm the one out to lunch.
But in any event, . .sounds like he has the c'giver signed on as transport for same . and so I won't need to be running the roads for that appt.
So I guess I'm the one with rocks for brains.
No, BOLLOCKS, are you 'eck as like.
YOUR FATHER has sat on this information and DIDN'T MENTION IT. He was going to get round to it. You found out by accident.
The sheer bloody DISCOURTESY and LACK OF CONSIDERATION is the clearest possible sign of the shape of things to come. HOW can you think this is YOUR fault?
I'll calm down in a minute.
I dunno .. I took it to mean . maybe a few mins ago.
So yea ... I mean that would be a matter that .. he'd kinda need to pick up the phone and let me know. But maybe he was already coordinating w/c'giver as to transport and rather than bother me with it . he figured he'd get that all lined up and squared away.
Sheesh though .. I feel like, what it must feel like when you don't have your marbles all in a row.
He SAID himself .. that NP was gonna line up a PET scan . and then I get that directionless phone call from that buffoon that only wanted to read from a damn script .. not even sure what they were calling about ..
Goes on to say .. "I thought that NP from Pulmonology was gonna get that done, but I guess not . since that idiot with the script didn't seem to be able to tell me the point in why he was calling here, .. I thought it was to tell me about the PET scan that NP from the Pulmonology group was gonna work on . but I swear Dorker .. I couldn't make heads or tails from what that idiot directionless buffoon was trying to say".
All the time, I'm like screaming inside, .. "You idiot . the NP NEVER SAID she'd work on the PET scan . she's only gonna work on the PFT ............. where did you guy ANY NOTION she was working on that?".
Turns out, I WAS WRONG. Rocks for brains!
Ugggh. Omg.
How about a Geriatric Care Manager? You seem to be in a more populated city. I’m sure they are available.
No not right now. It’s clear your Dad is hell bent on managing is own care. And keeping you on the periphery. So be it. Your position is clear.
Do you have rocks in your head? No. You are very apparently on a need to know basis.
I will answer the question I asked of you. Do you want MPOA? No you do not! Maybe you think it’s a good idea. I don’t know. I think it’s a horrible idea. Why? Perfect example...today. There are tons of other reasons. Most importantly you and your Dads relationship. That is complicated at best.
This would emotionally drain you dry.
You are trying to listen to a conversation by standing in the room with one person who is on the telephone to another, and that person is deaf and not paying attention and far more interested in complaining that the other person is mumbling.
And he's already sorted out the lift! I mean, I'm glad you're not expected to drop everything at less than 24 hours' notice; but to me this indicates a total lack of awareness that you consider yourself on standby and are putting time and thought into his care. Some acknowledgement of your need to know would be nice, that's all.
This is bullswotsit. Have it out with him! There needs to be ONE diary accessible to anyone with a legitimate interest in what appointments are taking place when and how he is getting there and back.
Umm... Okay. Sure. Why not?
But, what does your gut tell you?
A while back it was suggested by a few others that dad was feeding you just enough info to keep you on
leash - for when HE NEEDS you.
I didnt want to believe it to be true. What a total azzho!e way to behave and treat your own daughter. Who would do that? Who could do that? Oh yeah - the same guy who let his children go hungry while he played Happy Family with the point-two-oh version of his “family”.
Run, Dorker, Run!!!
Just a little girl still inside your too big heart hoping for her daddy’s love.
"Rep at Oncology: "yes mam, .. we have been trying to reach out to your dad and haven't reached him accdg to our records . and yes, The PET scan was ordered by NP at Pulmonary Group on the 11th, we have it scheduled for tomorrow at noon"."
So - it sounds to me like they immediately called him AFTER Dorker's call, and that he asked the caregiver for a ride at that time.
I feel that at this time, he does appear capable of handling his care, but the future is quite foreboding with his Dx. Let him hear it out from the oncologist, and perhaps he will plan it wisely from there. He actually still seems sensible enough to me.
leash - for when HE NEEDS you.
I didn't want to believe it to be true. What a total azzho!e way to behave and treat your own daughter. Who would do that? Who could do that? Oh yeah - the same guy who let his children go hungry while he played Happy Family with the point-two-oh version of his 'family.'"
Yes. Dorker, you talked about the stress you would have if you laid down some ultimatums like get your affairs and your POA/HCPOA in order. It's less stress for you to go along as you have been, maintaining your boundaries. But, still, it's going to be a huge amount of stress if this man lands in the hospital unless you just walk away (which I can't see you doing, but I wish you would).
Others make good point here about why would you want HCPOA? DO YOU want that?
I think a mistake is in your repeatedly trying to talk to your father about things. He has shown that he can't process/remember, or he just doesn't respect your point of view. I don't know which it is. So maybe stop the explanations. He will do what he wants, when he wants. His timeline is probably short. His affairs won't be settled. Lessen the stress for yourself about all of that. NOT having HCPOA would probably be the best way to lessen your stress.
You say you are not concerned about what you should be getting from his estate. So be it. If that is really the case, then don't worry about his getting his affairs in order. Let K hire some attorney to settle it all, and just wait for your check from his accounts.
Let Daddy have his way in all of it -- no will, not caring whether or not you and your brother get any of his assets, no HCPOA, not telling K about his cancer. You can't fix this selfish man, so just fix your own stress level about all of it. Step back. Step even further back.
Just as Dorkers's boundaries were stomped when she became the sole caregiver of MIL, Dorker is pushing by Father to get to the goal of busyness with his needs that she sees. It would be great if she were to go to therapy and look at why she's not waiting for him to ask for help. But he's not asking and she's not waiting. I see Father blowing up in anger about *his* stomped boundaries in the near future if she continues.
Dorker, I'd rather you end your time with Father on a positive note. How about waiting for him to ask you for things, saying no when you have plans, and staying on good terms with him? Treat him like a regular person. Let him drive to his own fate, even if he misses some turns you think he should make. He might be heading for a different exit than you assume.
He was then sent to Rehab . and I exited a little further, . only visiting .. maybe every other day . .and sometimes less than that, .. and only for a couple of hours .. and .. then he was discharged for home.
As part of the scene .. it was me that he had them write down as contact . .and so .. it was me, they handed all these appt cards to.
I asked him, .. afterwards, "if you want my help with transport/participation, for the doc appts . let me know".
He asked, . I obliged. Also in that . I have put forth my own two cents . more than once, about what needs to be occurring as to the business matters .. and .. was pretty much pushed back (diplomatically, tactfully) in his assertion that he's giving himself a six month window (if he even has that time allotment and I guess we'll know more as we get more results) to get thru business matters. Essentially, .. telling me in no uncertain terms .. he'll do it his way. Gotcha!
Since that time .. he was discharged for home. He has hired a c'giver and I exited.
I talk to him, .. mostly via email .. if there is an issue that arises . and it's he who initiates that, not me. I think email is his preference, . as his wife . .is always but always . but always always .. at his elbow. And . to have conversation in her presence, . likely brings about a bunch of noise and static he chooses to not have to engage in. Thus, emails.
The ONLY reason that I landed on that sudden PET scan .. on the radar, is because I had my todo list for yesterday .. and one of those items was to reach out and call the Oncologist office, . as we have an appt there later this week .. I wanted to know what is their location . so I wouldn't be fumbling around on the day of the appt. as to where I'm supposed to haul him to.
As part of that conversation calling the Oncology group . I reached out and asked, thinking for certain . .. I'm gonna hear what it is that's my thinking on it all, .. "no mam . it's not gonna be possible at this late hour to get a PET scan scheduled that's workable before the appt to see us on Thursday . you'll need to wait and let Dr. J schedule that when you see her on Thursday".
I thought for sure, . for certain that's what I'd hear when asking "So .. let me ask you . is there any point in trying to shake loose a PET scan in ADVANCE of what is already scheduled as a Thursday appt with Dr. J, so that we can have the results at that point to discuss with her at the appt".
I thought for sure I'd hear the above. Was shocked, .. to hear . "oh that's already scheduled, for tomorrow in fact".
SURPRISE!
She even noted, the record reflects they'd been unable to reach my dad to inform him.
I guess I could've at that point, just dropped it . oh well . he isn't answering their calls .. and it's none of mine to deal with . .. not bothering with it all.
Made better sense to me, to reach out to him . and I did "call him" rather than email .. "Dad . are you aware you have an appt tomorrow at noon for a PET scan?".
That's when he answered that yes, they'd gotten ahold of him a bit ago . and he is coordinating transport with the c'giver and taking K along.
There won't be any results at that setting . the results will be sent to Oncology group . and can be discussed at that setting on Thursday's appt. So taking K along . and in any hope (even he acknowledged this fact), in some hope that she can be imparted some news and in that setting . where maybe she doesn't come undone .. is kinda pointless. There won't be any news shared . not in that setting. The results will be sent on to Oncology . .and discussed at that appt.
He hasn't said . that he doesn't want my help/transport for the Oncology appt on Thursday ..
The last info that I have as to his appts that are to be seen to, .. I'd asked of him, when I shared with him, the scheduled appts on tap ... if he wants my help for transport/participation . let me know . and he did . he indicated that yes, he'd need my help.
If .. it's a matter now . that he feels it more suitable going forward . that he have c'giver facilitate transport . and maybe he feels K up to the task of accompanying now . and that certainly would suit K .. a LOT more than the threat of Dorker . (Dorker is family now) ........ coming into what she perceives as her territory .. if that's the order of the day going forward, . suits me fine . but I need the memo indicating same . so to speak .. as my information was only that he did . request my help to transport/participate in doc visits.
In fact, at last week's Pulmonary visit . I asked him, . "dad when they call you to the back, do you need me to go with you, or just wait out in the waiting room?".
His answer: "I'd like you to go back with me".
I don't call him daily .. nor email him .. I wait to hear from him, .. w/the exception of yesterday's news of a surprise PET scan on order.
I think .. as to this week's upcoming Oncology appt . should I get word from him, .. "I think I'll go ahead and have c'giver take me to that appt . and have K accompany" .. should he impart that info, .. I will then ask him, "sounds great . glad you have it all worked out, . and in the interest of future appts .. I'll just allow that c'giver step to that chore . and if you need me, . you know how to reach me".
And leave it at that.
It has all put me in a difficult spot . really. Bringing back feelings that I haven't felt in a long long long time. I once did, as a child .. felt "less than" . and pushed aside, as not all that interested in. But I knew, even then, as a child .. I had friends whose homes and parental relationships didn't look the same, as what i was living .. I knew even then . this isn't how it's supposed to be. I knew, even then, one day I will have a family of my own . and I'll do things differently. And I did. My kids were never made to feel "less than" and as if they are somehow just .. in the way and not to be regarded.
When he was so critically ill and inpatient in the hospital and asked of me to be part of the scene . and advocate and assist. I guess I could've at that point, . "gee dad . ya know, my life has always been on the periphery of yours . .and .. I just don't think I want to be anywhere but right there, on the periphery . wish ya well", and waltzed off.
But I didn't do that, and I'm not sorry. I was helpful ... and trying to assist where I could, and I'm glad I did.
I had no interest in becoming part of a daily care routine . in his world, when this resumes normalcy back in his home . and said as much .. and have backed out . in lieu of a c'giver brought to the scene ..
The "only" times I've been in and among their midst there, in the home . K makes it pretty apparent that I'm intrusive and somewhat of a problem . that is evident . in what she says and her behavior. And so it becomes uncomfortable. And somewhat a scene . where .. maybe a lesser person might would snap back at her, .. and let her know where to step off .. but I haven't .. and likely won't. She has a broken brain . and .. in the end, .. nothing changes .. I've always been a bother to her .. always. That hasn't changed. It's nothing new.
Yes, .. very much a situation my dad should've long long long ago ... taken into his own hands and made her understand . that these are his offspring . and he won't stand for her to treat them the way she does. But for whatever his reason . his family two point oh .. as was referred to earlier . was his priority .. such that he could make "family" at all a priority. (my assessment from what I know from the periphery and afar . where I was always kept . his work was always his #1
his work was always his #1 priority, climbing the corporate ladder and travel).
As to being a part of his daily life .. and what that might look like, . he hasn't asked me to be . and I would likely tell him . if he did ask that of me . that I won't be . I cannot be .. and it wouldn't even be from the perspective of . "gee dad . where were you all those years you left my mom unable to feed us ... where were you .. when I needed you in my life as a true dad".
It wouldn't even be no . from that perspective . it would be more of a perspective of I've ridden this c'giving train . I know what it looks like and I'm not interested in jumping back into that quicksand ever again. It would be from the perspective that I have about zero interest in entering any arena where my presence is seen as a nuisance and unneeded .. it would be from the perspective that I have zero say so in any of this, and not sure I want any sayso in it all .. in that . his wife . very much considers me . intrusive and a nuisance . that's obvious.
So .. I wouldn't want to be a part of that scene. He hasn't asked me to be.
In me though, . it's kinda like .. I was long ago pushed to the sidelines . and okay with that . . fine and dandy with it .. and long ago . came to terms with . that's not my problem . .whatever their dynamic is that she thinks it suitable and him in agreement . that we are to be considered a bother . that's fine. Long ago came to terms with it.
So putting myself front and center of all that again . not anything I'm interested in doing.
I do believe .. and will take it at face value .. that he only got word of that surprise PET scan .. moments before I did . and it isn't a matter that he'd hoped I'd stay out of all that and was shocked to find I was knowledgeable and now had to answer to me on it.
I am to go over this afternoon, his request . to visit w/he and his brother who is coming by for a short visit with his g'kids .. and so .. I'll oblige and go visit a bit . and then return home.
If K makes any of her snide remarks . at my being there, .. I'll do as I always do . let it ride . and go on ..
And on the MIL front ..
YD went to visit yesterday and was asked by MIL to help her bathe and wash her hair. Don't know what happened to staff who are supposed to offer on Sundays and Wednesdays to do that chore. Did they come ask here and she declined, did they forget to do so . I don't know, didn't ask.
YD did help MIL with the above. Going further, . and drying her hair and trying to set it for her, . she's not the stylist that DD is .. who normally does that. But she tried. I didn't ask .. "ya know there's a salon . and she can make an appt for her hair to be washed and set". I didn't ask. Seems she implores of the g'daughters to see to that . and I guess, neither minds doing it .. and so it will be.
She also told DH that there is a woman (resident) there .. in a wheelchair . and is a thief . the woman travels around in her wheelchair . and into and out of other resident's rooms . and took MIL's hairbrush . (I guess it would be the wheelchair thief that took her hairbrush) . so now . if one of us could get her a hairbrush ..
Don't know why this is allowed . or even if there's any validity to it. Why would staff allow that someone travel around in their wheelchair and in and out of rooms that aren't their own . and take things. Who knows.
And also . that .. the night before .. I guess MIL couldn't sleep . because she knew that chatty cathy was not yet back in her room and in bed . and .. to hear her tell it (and I believe it's probably true) . when Chatty Cathy returns to her room . from wherever Chatty Cathy goes all day every day .. she is generally helped to change for the night, and given a wipe down . .and the noise level .. with all the talking . is disruptive to MIL's sleep.
But anyway .. MIL .. to hear her tell it .. when Chatty Cathy is brought back into the room for the night, she routinely plays asleep . MIL does. To not do so is to set in motion Chatty Cathy and her incessant talking . and so MIL routinely plays asleep . and just .. struggles thru the commotion ongoing . and Chatty Cathy under the assumption MIL sleeping . leaves her alone . and all is quiet . and all go to sleep for the night.
I guess the night before, it was getting later and later an Chatty Cathy not back . and so at midnight, MIL rang for someone . and that someone then came, and she informed that someone that they need to go find Chatty Cathy and retrieve her and tell her it's time for her to go to bed . because it's too disruptive when she comes to bed .. and it's getting later and later and she can't sleep knowing the disruption that is coming . and so it was . that someone went and retrieved Chatty Cathy from her coloring station (think a school desk of sorts out in the lobby and outfitted with coloring books and coloring pencils and crayons, where Chatty Cathy spends her time, unless she's otherwise engaged in some program or function ongoing there). They went and retrieved her at midnight and brought her in and got her settled . and MIL .. played asleep . and I guess then MIL was able to go to sleep . and as she reported to DH .. "So I was pretty tired from having stayed up too late and took a long nap today".
I thought .. DH and I both looked at one another peculiar at this particular story .. good thing Chatty Cathy is the sweet soul she is. That could've gone south real quickly .. "who are you to tell me when I have to go to bed .. mind your own business".
But it didn't. Good.
MIL is 'with it' enough to know that it's late, time for bed and what it will be like when he roomie comes in--and can wrap her brain around what is, for her, a fairly "busy" dynamic-she is thinking through problems and solving them!!
Now, either that's progress or she just is so self absorbed that all she thinks about is herself and her needs, wants, and comfort. Nothing to be said, but how NICE she wasn't on the phone with SIL crying about how she wants to go to bed but CC isn't in bed yet and--well--just calling upon all and sundry to fix this problem--and she fixed it herself. (Coloring at MIDNIGHT?? This is night unto a casino in the NH world!!)
And your dad--Dorker, he's staring death down the barrel and not enjoying the sight.
I was at the Cancer Inst. here yesterday--just a echocardiogram, but I had to wait for a little and there was this little cluster of ancient old guys--all had lung cancer, all sitting in wheelchairs having been brought in by wives, who I have to say, looked exhausted, every one of them and it was 11 am.
These guys all looked awful, Grey skin, hacking coughs, skinny beyond the "I'm sick" stage---and they were such loud talkers, you couldn't help but hear their conversations. My only thought as I was taken back to my test was "At what point do you just say "no. no more tests, no more procedures, no more chemo or radiation. When?" Not one iota of dignity left for these gents. Of course, I don't know their histories, or anything, so how can I make any kind of call about their QOL....but to me, it was SO SAD.
Your dad is almost like those guys---and he doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who would sit and yap about his bowels while K discusses recipes for things to make that would put weight on their DH's.
I feel for you--I really do. Your dad will probably pass before all this legal drama and stuff is cleared up. Not being mean--just realistic. How sad that you can't have a calm, enjoyable period of time with dad before it's not so calm or peaceful (relatively, your families don't seem to know how to do 'calm'. Any of them.)
Try to step back and let dad do what dad wants to do. He doesn't listen to you, he doesn't seem to care about anyone except K. (That comment about you not being family--yeah, that's MY MIL's take on ME--no matter how you feel it HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
When do you expect SIL to come back? Is it possible to keep MIL at this place, or is that not in the plans at all.
Sorry--my brains have had too much in the way of sedation and I can't remember stuff. Glad to know it will pass--
Take care. Be glad that MIL isn't fussing so much. At least she doesn't seem to be.
I dont think anyone has put the shoulder to the wheel in trying to make her understand. The above Utopia doesnt exist. Even if it did, it wont be attainable via Medicaid dollars. I'm not at all sure where her notion originates. Obvious it does though.
She seemingly of the mindset shes only remanded to that "God forsaken place" for PT. So it would appear her thinking is once shes up & back on her Walker, Utopia awaits.
Will she attain that goal and be mobile again on her Walker and ready to go "Wheres Utopia I'm ready now". I guess we wait and see. What happens when it's time to move her.
She seems to think "We are Family" fits the bill as the above Utopia (having not seen it mind you). She was encouraged by someone from Admissions at We are Family, who visited her, they'd send transport for her to come visit/view. I think that's a great plan. She needs to do precisely that. She hasnt wanted to as of now. She will see if she does go there, it's much the same as where she is presently. Except ... not as high a census of population.
But yes, important she do that.
As to her ability to ambulate. The hip doc said hip is fine, time to get on the Walker. I know YD washed MIL last night and said she held on to the grab bar the whole time but even still swaying badly.
Her balance has been more the problem always than anything else. Sounds as if it's gotten worse.
I dont know if her and a Walker will ever be friends again. Doesnt look promising.
As to my dad ... I too question, pending PET scan results ... how vigorous does he wish to be in any approach going forward. Dont know how he'll answer that.
I do know there was verbalization from him at one point about over doses and opiates and it's a simple lights out. Checked outta here. He who fought back pain for over a year and on tightly controlled opiates.
Made me wonder if he stashed some with just that in mind.
I would not be surprised. Not a bit.
My mom, and this was prior to dementia, had a hip replacement that she really didn’t need - I was at her drs/surgeon appointments - but she harassed and forced the matter - because.... somewhere she had gotten it in her head that rehab was gonna be just like a fancy spa. Yep - a nice long spa vacation.
I tried my best to warn her - that no, it wasn’t gonna be like that. But
my mom just wasn’t having it. What did I know? She sure had a rude awakening that’s for sure. As will MIL if she gets well enough to be
moved anywhere.
MIL wasn't with us. SIL was sold.
I was not. That's the one where all residents were up and about on walkers or canes and expectation they arrive on their own, relatively on time, for meals in the dining room. No, meals wont ne brought to the rooms. Expectation they dress themselves and be proactive as to the need for Depends if that's an issue and be able to ambulate as to toileting.
That's the one where I had to reach out to SIL's daughter to reel her mom's balloon back down to earth and the reality that IS the fact MIL cant do any of the above.
It worked. Her daughter got her to see reality.
Bit I wonder if SIL hadn't by that time shared enough of how glorious this place would be that MIL had it fixed in her brain that would be the perfect spot.
It would be perfect for someone who manages time effectively and can dress themselves without assistance and only rare incontinence issues.
That is not MIL. Hasnt been for a long time.
And on another note, I'd gone yesterday afternoon, to visit at my dad's .. to visit with his brother (my uncle) who was in town with his g'kids.
The c'giver was there, though not present and accounted for the whole time, don't know precisely where she'd taken herself, but she wasn't there .. not the whole time I was there.
Soon enough, it was time for her to go for the day . .and she couldn't leave because my uncle's car was in the way in the d/w as was mine. So I found that to be a good time to depart .. I'd go on out to move my car, but go ahead and leave, after having visited for about 1 hour or so.
We all stepped outside, she to go enter her car, and uncle, to go move his car, and myself to leave.
When I said g'bye to her, she'd been chit chatting in the d/w/ momentarily with my uncle, and she said, pointing at me, .. "I need you to give me a call when you get a chance". I said in response, "sure, no problem" .. and headed onto my car to head on out.
Tried to call her last night but only got voice mail, left a message.
Sounded like she has an "issue" or something .. but I can't imagine what it might be, and in the end, .. I truly have so little to do w/what goes on under that roof . that almost anything she might have to talk to me about, . it would be deferred to .. "well I hope that works out for ya" . .as to my dad and K's situation . because I have zero to nothing to do with it all.
She hasn't returned my call. So be it.
When is the appt. with the oncologist? Today or tomorrow? That will be when you and your father find out the details of what treatment could be. I'm guessing your father will want to "think about it" in order for him to give that can one final kick down the road. Do you really think he will agree to treatment (chemotherapy, radiation)? And suppose he did. Are you really going to remain arms-length as you've said you will? So far whenever your father needs to "rely" on you, you do what he wants. And you know how he talks disparagingly about K's daughter not taking care of K. Will he be the same about you? This man only cares about you now because of what he thinks you will do for him.
I know it's too soon, in a way, because you don't have any concrete treatment recommendations. But in a way you, too, keep kicking the can down the road by insisting you will maintain your boundaries. But what about as he gets sicker? I can't help but see you maintaining a constant vigil as your father declines at the end. And who knows how long that will take. I don't think you are fully recognizing just how much you might end up steppingandfetching and caregiving.
All the while, his affairs remain a mess. I don't think they will ever be cleared up while he is alive.
Some practical questions...suppose he becomes incompetent to make his own medical decisions. Since he hasn't appointed you or anyone else, then what does happen? Does his next-of-kin (K) become his HCPOA? Could she end up calling the shots? Yes, I know you think she has dementia, but she hasn't actually been declared incompetent, has she? If she ends up becoming his HCPOA, are you going to stay out of it?
And when your father dies...can you just sit back and end up with what is yours by law? Will you be fighting with K to send his death certificate to the place(s) where those accounts that are going to go to you and your brother are? What about final arrangements? Will you be fighting with K about them? And what about the property that your father and K jointly own? Don't you get a share of that by law, since there is no will? How involved will you have to be to get that?
You don't want the stress now, but I see a lot of stress in your future...
When that time comes - I imagine K
will be none to happy with that situation. How she could be unaware that thats legally how it’s gonna be is beyond me. But - whatever. How long K might be able
to avoid the inevitable or attempt any maneuvering will be interesting. But, given her mental capacity and her temperament - I’d be surprised if she’ll be capable of too many shenanigans. An attorneys assistance will be sought - and things will then proceed as dictated by law and the probate court.
Dorker, her brother and Bossy Boots need only to sit tight and let it all play out. Will it be frustrating? Will things get ugly with K and perhaps the step. Sure. But it seems to get ugly in even the most detailed and well planned distribution of estates. Regardless. Projecting much, however far down the road this all is - is fairly pointless if this is how it’s gonna go. If dad has no legal will by now, likely that isn’t gonna change.
But should it come to that - I’d say to Dorker, in the way of advice - be patient and buy a sturdy raincoat in case the fan that the chits gonna hit, blows any your way. That - and tell brother that you WILL NOT be discussing your fathers estate matters with Bossy Boots. Not ever. Not even by way of speaker phone. Just NO.
In the mean time... Dorker, in spite of your boundaries and in spite of what little your father has earned and deserves, given his history as your parent - you’ll likely do too much. Being there for him, assisting and helping - cause unfortunately - that’s what we seem to do as children - even for a “bad” parent. Lots of times - especially for the “bad” parent. Seems like no matter how much we “know better” and how old, Independent and mature we become - we still long for, still work for the love, attention and approval that this parent failed to give us.
If Dorker knows a way around this basic, dysfunctional need that grows aplenty in the hearts and minds of the adult-children of the eternally eff’d up parent - THATS the book she should write.