I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
A lot of assumptions are being cast around at this poor guy and his finances, and he hasn't been given the chance to even wrap his head around what's in store for his health going forward.
I think it's sad that people are projecting their past problems with their own parents, and putting them onto Dorker's life. How she regards her love for Father in the here and now is her business, and nobody should be calling him a dead beat Dad, their relationship is their own, and it has seemed to work for Dorker in whatever limited capacity thus far and clearly she loves him..
All of this projecting about fighting over his estate is tasteless imo, and is really nobody's business really. I just see a lot of judgement going on here, and it doesn't seem fair to me. Let the guy figure out what's going on with his body, and then let him decide his path going forward. I'm sure Dorker will find her place in his life, and how much she is willing to participate as this unfortunate situation reveals itself.
I Think a lot of what Dorker has revealed about her relationship with her Dad has been explaining her circumstances and just Venting, but so far she seems to be supporting him out of love, so we know there is that.
Step-parent relationships have always been difficult at best. Years of K acting jealous and protective will never change, it seems as if she feels Dorker is a product of his former marriage, and sadly she never moved past this and formed a deep and abiding relationship with her of her own, and that's on K, as you were the child in all of this. We will never truly understand the dynamics of this relationship, it is long standing and complicated and don't we all have one (or more) of those in our own lives?
I just wish people would quit pushing so much onto Dorker's plate, as there is enough there already. I know that folks want Dorker to get things right, and set her limits, but isn't it time to see her deal with things as they come (and perhaps complain about them afterwards), as this "parenting of the parents" is hard enough without people telling you how to think and feel. Just my 2 cents.
BTW, you're doing a great job Dorker!
I was just getting ready to do a post about how great it is here in this thread that the posters get along - for the most part - and don’t take swipes at each other’s posts and opinions.
Stacy - it’s not about the money. Sorry you see it that way.
Heard from c'giver (via text). Seems she only wanted to know is she transporting tomorrow or am I doing that task.
Had an email from my dad prior to the exchange with c'giver asking if I was still agreeable to transport and participation for tomorrow's Oncology appt. That he & K both are going. <Good. Glad there is no deception ongoing>. Told him I'd be there to pick them up.
Should finally know more tomorrow on the cancer piece of all this.
The only thing I can add is that I'm satisfied my boundaries are firmly where I want them. If he needs my help (participation) as to transport & doc visits. I agreed to do that & am following thru.
Dont yet know <til tomorrow> what prognosis brings as to next week or next month or six months forward. Not yet.
Ive made it abundantly clear I wont be in a role of daily c'giving. I stand firm in that. Even if prognosis brings dire news. I simply do not want that role, period. And honestly, that position I've always stood in with such poise & grace, on the periphery... likely that suits them just fine. K more to the point. And I'm not the least bit interested in elbowing my way thru what is a 50 year plus marriage and trying to sort thru & dial down on ..."gee dad .. you sure fouled things up decades ago ... hate it theres really no strong bond there".
Thats all so much water under the bridge. It obviously worked for their marriage...that his offspring were one point o version and replacement version was two point o.
Long since came to terms with that.
So yea ... havent been there to watch how sick and dire things can get .. in the event of terminal cancer. I likely still wont know, up close & personal ...
My spot is on the periphery and there I shall remain.
If he goes into that storm of life ending circumstances... all things unfinished and unseen to as to my brother & myself .. and biz matters.
Does it surprise anyone to contemplate that's precisely ok with him. It doesnt surprise me at all. Hes had a lifetime to figure what priority in his life, my brother & myself should rate. Actions have shown .. peripheral at best. That's what suited him ... in his world ... his marriage ... his existence on this planet.
Ive certainly said all I can to him as to how I see the agenda and business matters. The can gets kicked down the road in his "six month window".
Im simply not going to take any stance of absolute refusal to be helpful in his inertia. It's not who I am.
Bit I'm also not made that way as to shoving my way into it all and forcing issues. Conversely however .. I've lived the slippery slope of c'giving in the MIL scene and I know all too well what it looks and smells and feels like. On guard for it.
I hope so, Dorker, I really do.
The end to his bday dinner out and a quick check in phone call to his mom brought forth this news above. Not known to us prior to that call.
Cast a pall over the rest of the night when the following words were spoken by him as to above [quote] great! We put her in that place and now everybody's sick, she's sick, it's all our fault [unquote].
So many responses I wanted to throw out, glib in tone. I said nothing however.
One would have been "your mom got sick and with some frequency DH living an isolated life alone in her house and no bevy of staff to deal with it, this Is our fault how?"
Or another one. "She talks all the time of wanting her cloud, of the corpse hauled outta there .. wishing she could be next... maybe this is the starting gate to the race to the finish for her that she so wants".
Instead I said nothing at all.
So maybe H is wishing once again that someone could take 24/7 care of MIL in her own home? At least he didn't come right out and say something like SIL should be doing it!
Let us know how your father's oncologist appt. goes today, as it seems this will be when you and he learn what could be his treatment options.
Yes, I'm sure it's something that happens ..
I just wish that DH could see that . and not live in the sorrowful place of .. my poor mom . .. now stranded in that place . where "WE PUT HER".
She was getting sick at home, prior to this . and her at that point in her life, all but isolated . in that she didn't even go to the grocery store anymore, or outside at all. Yet somehow she'd catch a bug or upper respiratory something or other. How I don't know .. maybe from the maid that would come there . or whatnot.
But she was getting sick, even then, in that environment . the difference at that point . any and all supplies and checking on her, was solely on us . no staff to attend to any of it.
Oh but "poor mom . now she's sick, in a place *WE PUT HER IN*, it's all our fault". Sheesh!
On my way out here shortly to the Oncology appt, will check in later when I can . as to what's learned there.
I think DH's comment is a telltale sign that he still feels tremendous guilt over her placement. That is very sad in and of itself.
Not a candidate for radiation as there is another mass, unconfirmed but suspicious and in the lung. Not a candidate for surgery, same reason.
Would generally approach with chemo but question his viability for same.
Are sending off tissue from original needle biopsy to test for marker, use of Keytruda to treat.
Want him to continue working to get stronger in case Keytruda not viable.
Mentioned doing nothing is always a choice. Life expectancy would be approximately 1 to 1 1/2 years.
He is opting for Keytruda route. Will know if marker that's needed is present, in about two weeks, back from Pathology.
Ride home I commented that is better news than it could've been. Dad responded affirmatively and added "now we wait, see if Keytruda is viable"
K said "that's right, now we wait, so we just dont need to talk about it anymore"
That was the entire sum of any input from her on the topic.
If in spite of K's diktat you think you might like to chew the subject over a bit more, you'll find this link helpful
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/treating/targeted-biological-therapies/find-your-therapy/pembrolizumab.html#337157
I haven't looked further but there is in the article a link about what next if Keytruda isn't an option, too.
She doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want to think about it, or she doesn't want him to talk to you about it? Or a bit of all of the above?
Whatever - he married her, you didn't.
How are you, Dorker? What are your feelings about all this?
As for my feelings/thoughts on my dad's dx . and the possible outcomes.
It's been a real epiphany as we have lived this "aging" thing ..
For a long long time . life was just carefree and .. pretty much the humdrum of every day responsibilities .. but then we had someone in our midst . that was aging and needy (MIL) and that grew and grew . the responsibilities thereof, and watching the pitfalls of it all.
It has all been a real eye opener, that DH and myself both, . haven't been left unscathed in being a part of. Neither one of us want to live a day past our shelf life. How to achieve that .. I guess if we knew the answer to that, .. we'd share it with millions of others who feel the same (likely those closest to us aging).
DH and myself both of the ilk, .. "there are worse things than death". Indeed there are!
We have paused for thought, at our old neighbor from across the street, more than once. She . fought breast cancer for 10 long years .. and lost the battle. He, of that marital union, dropped dead less than a year later, in the bedroom of the home.
This devastated their adult kids. I know it can't be easy, ever, to lose a parent . but the fact that both of their parents were gone, in less than a year, seemed, .. from our vantage point, almost more than they could bear and work through. They hung on to that house, as a shrine, almost, . for over 10 years. Just sold it this past year, in fact. Coming weekly, to meticulously care for the lawn, their parents formerly so meticulously managed. A now empty home.
DH and myself have looked at that whole scenario more than once, ... as we grapple with his aging mom and that whole scene and we've both remarked, .. "there are worse things than death". And we both believe it.
In the end, .. no one is getting outta here alive. I am of the mindset (easy for me to say, I'm not in my 80's) .. once you have lived your life, my dad has .. and your life becomes one relegated to illness and infirmity, to the degree there is little to no QOL left .. what's the point.
I'm okay with it (as I said, easy for me to say, not staring down the barrel of my 80 something next bday).
I would imagine that my dad, .. but I don't know, since there isn't a whole lot of dialogue on it .. if the Keytruda fails . and it does .. as an option for some people. I don't imagine him going the route of trying to sustain chemo as an option. I can envision he'll likely, at that point, choose the "do nothing" path. And then just sign on for Hospice or whatever .. and talk of "comfort" measures, for EOL.
I don't know that will be the choice, he hasn't said as much . and I haven't quizzed him.
But in the end, .. I'm okay with it. I didn't lose a parent at the age of 15 and that parent cut down in the prime of life. This is the order of things . .life .. as it is .. people lose their parents .. it happens.
I know, . some will say, . .easier said than done . you haven't walked that path, .. and that's true.
But what's the alternative?
AND .......... FWIW ......... I've even pondered if maybe this whole thing feels a whole lot different and tragic and sad . for those who have a close bond with the parent who is ailing. I don't. So maybe that gives me a frame of reference that is more palatable. I don't know, since that isn't the circumstance.
There are lots of success stories about people that chose not to be poisoned by chemo and they are living happy healthy lives, many years after the doctors said they would be dead.
The trust about cancer comes to mind, Google it if you think he may be interested in looking at less drastic treatments.
Dorker, I think about this as well. How some folks seem not to have gotten the memo that everyone dies. Hank Williams was right: we'll never get out of this world alive.
I wonder if part of it is just a matter of a person's childhood experiences, and the timing of a person's closest relations' deaths. For instance, my very loving mother died when I was five, and all my grandparents were gone by the time I was 11. So lots of death happening; it was all around. My very loving religious father and the members of our church talked about death, and family members in heaven looking down on us after death and the meaning of the death, and the ultimate defeat of death, and so on. Songs and hymns about death. Bible stories about death. Sermons and Sunday school lessons about the details of Jesus' death. The apocalypse and the second coming; lots of death. Movies at church about the Holocaust, Christian martyrs, Pilgrims' Progress: death. I saw "Bambi" as a child; Bambi's mother not coming back: more death. Death, death, death!
I have to say I had a happy childhood in a hilarious family with lots of love and fun, but still lots of death! But I'm wondering whether it is the case if you have your parents, and most of your grandparents for at least a good chunk of your early adulthood, maybe in that case it is possible not to realize that death is all around and is inevitable? And so you are terribly shocked and have to hold onto a house for 10 years that no one is living in? As a kid at my maternal grandma's estate sale, it was totally clear to me: we all die!
It is interesting.
Well, at least you now have a 'plan' and the dirty word 'cancer' has been spoken and acknowledged. Dad has a plan going forward. I just read about Keytruda. Similar to all chemotherapies, it looks nasty and the s/e can be pretty miserable--since I am looking down the barrel of my own chemo--Keytruda is used for lymphoma, too. S/E are all about the same.
My take? If this were me, I'd opt to let the cancer run its course. But I'm not 80+, I'm 62 and my kids would manhandle me into therapy at this age.
I think your dad is not well informed about this TX. Maybe that's for the best, but YOU read about it. He isn't going to (probably) have much strength to care for K and he needs to prepare for those days when he can't.
If they add radiation into this--well--that's its own thing. HOWEVER--as my oncologist said some people do not really even seem to change--they work and such and life just goes on for them. Some get very sick, most fall somewhere in between. I was heartened to know that for most side effects, there exists a drug that can help.
Just read what you can about dad's TX and be prepared for the phone calls that may come your way when he calls you over some side effect he's noticed.
FWIW my FIL did 'sneaky pete' chemotherapy for YEARS and we never knew it. Since it's done in an infusion center and then you're sent home, and he seemed to have few if any side effects--when we did find out about it--we were glad he didn't suffer. Only at the very end of his life did we discover he'd been doing chemo runs off and on for several years (leukemia).
Everyone is different. If they give your dad a prednisone 'kicker' as I am going to get--just batten down the hatches. I know prednisone and I do NOT get along and that's my biggest worry. Isn't that dumb? I just want to be able to have a handle on my emotions as best I can.
I'm sure your dad wants to have dignity and nobody digging around in his business, I hope he gets that.
Deep breaths---I guess one thing you've learned is that your respective families sure have long lives. Whether that's good or bad, who knows? But it seems to be the DNA you got.
No great advice--just good luck, going fwd.
I see a lot of opportunities for your father to "rely on" you coming up in the future, Dorker. While you say you will stay on the periphery, I think he's going to try to pull you in. While the Keytruda infusions (if he even does them) don't seem too time-consuming (30 mins or so every 3 weeks), there is the REST of the time, where he may be battling side-effects.
Just some things to think about.
One can only be sucked into the abyss of all things c'giving to the degree they allow themselves to be sucked into it. Says the person who, for a long time, .. had blinders on .. and was mired in the quicksand of it all, not seeing the freight train coming at me ... until .. I did ..
I won't make that mistake again. It's a slippery slope . one I've seen .. up close and personal.
I don't have a problem saying to my dad .. believe me .. .at complaints as to side effects, . and so forth .. "gee, I hate that .. that must be awful, you have that # there that the NP gave you .. I'd give them a call if I were you".
The latest on this end .. and how to .. "remove/distance" myself . and not "feel" th ill effects of it all. Much like you might do, if per se .. it was a friend, who complained incessantly about their work place . you'd be able to just .. not internalize that .. and go on and it wouldn't bother you .. how to find that specific place in all this ..
DH .. hadn't been to see his mom for almost a week .. various impediments . but he did go yesterday.
He came home from that, as he always does .. depressed .. somewhat angry .. and really upset . .as is always the case.
What causes this in him?
The incessant complaint from MIL. "I have to get out of this hellhole .. I cannot live the rest of my days in this God Forsaken place, what's next for me H .. what is the purpose .. what am I to do here .. I am trying so hard to get back to walking again, so I can go home (correcting herself with the reality she won't be going home) so I can go to the next place, that has to be better than this place, . the people here . they're not kind . you know that right? They aren't kind people . a lot of them are just mean . and uncaring .. This was not gonna be me .. I wasn't going to get old and wind up in this predicament ... It can't be that I'm going to have to live out the rest of my days in this God Forsaken Place ...
Then it goes on from there, to report that chatty cathy didn't return to the room until midnight (always causes MIL dismay as she can't sleep .. the anticipation of knowing chatty cathy is not there . thus will be brought in . to much commotion that awakens her) .. and when she did come in . she flipped on her tv . and so that thing was blaring . and eventually I could tell she was asleep .. I can't get over there . so I called the nurse button to have them cut the tv off, . and they wouldn't . .they said there isn't a curfew there, they aren't allowed to just cut someone's tv off .. and so . that thing blared all night long".
As an aside (but I'm not getting into it all, to sort it out) .. SIL had been so upset that they don't seemingly bathe her on her designated Wednesdays and Saturdays .. (I would debate it's offered, seen it, and declined) . .but nonetheless. So SIL has now taken it upon herself to "hound" them into oblivion on Wednesdays and Saturdays to stay after that bathing chore . and make sure it's seen to.
This now has created . that they also wash her hair on those days. I don't think she needs her hair washed . a couple of times a week, but I'm staying out of it.
So that then creates the scenario that her hair is a mess. It's washed . and so forth, but no way to set her hair, .. rollers, style. And so . she .. as she'd put it, looks a sight.
Complaining yesterday . had her shower, washed hair . and hair looks a sight . no way to roll it.
There is a salon there . and I think they are only open on Mondays .. my assessment would be, get an appt . or have SIL do it. But I don't get in it. Not mine to sort thru. I'm guessing if SIL and MIL could have their way .. DD would run
DD would run there every Wed, and Sat and roll MIL's hair for her.
(When MIL lived alone in her own home . she would shower every few days on her own . but her hair wasn't a part of that process .. she might would wash her hair every couple of weeks . and do so by leaning over the kitchen sink . and I'm not sure how it got set .. I don't recall DD going that way to do it . so I don't really know . maybe in those days MIL was able to roll her own hair).
But now it seems SIL has gotten that whirligig spinning . to make double dog sure that her mom is bathed . every Wed and Sat . her designated days . .and so I guess the staff think part of that is to wash her hair also. And so then she is left with . as she puts it, "I look a sight" .. as to her hair.
So there was that complaint.
She complained that she'd talked to SIL on the phone and that she and B were off to go to some concert . and her words, "ya know I talked to SIL . and she and B .. they were off to go to some concert . and I'm stuck here in this hell hole".
I don't usually say a whole lot (because in truth .. I find all this really really hard to deal with and be kind . thus I zip it and say nothing usually) .. but I said in response to that last one. "How unfortunate that she can't see it that it's good her daughter and her husband can get out and enjoy some things .. she can only see things from the prism of her own misery .. what the h377 DH .. her daughter has given up a ridiculous amount of her life the past several years .. in taking care of her mom . and MIL would always say that she hates it . that she wouldn't have it be this way that her daughter has to look after her to that degree, .. that she should be enjoying her life . and not saddled with her care .. she always put voice to that . and so now her daughter shares with her that they're on the way out the door to a concert and she laments that .. as she's stuck in this hell hole .. what the h377 . what was she doing at their ages .. she was out and doing the things she wanted to do!".
And I walked away. I have zero tolerance for all this whining and incessant complaining and worse yet . as I shared with DH .. "I am really getting sick and tired and fed up with it DH . that you go to see her . and then come home and are angry and sad . and depressed .. and so despondent over your mom's plight .. we did all we could do, damnit ... I know I lived it .. far too long . to prop her up in her own home . that was no longer possible!".
I'm sick of it, . it's almost like I have to brace for impact. He goes to see his mom . and comes from there, .. sad/forlorn .. depressed . and somewhat angry.
And as he said yesterday in passing . sitting in kind of a stupor talking to air . his words "I hate all this for her ... I really do . and it's all because of F&C^ING money".
Me: "What would money do to solve all this?".
DH: "She could be in her home with round the clock caregivers if the $ was there".
Me: "and You wouldn't have to work, .. if it's all about $ .. and could hunt to your heart's content at whatever destination you want, . and I'd have round the clock servants and be doing just as I damn well please .. with my time .. $ .. is the issue for almost any situation . but it aint there . and it aint falling from the sky in buckets . for any of us .. so .. ".
Nothingness in response . as he sits in despondency .. til he gets over it, . which does happen . but takes a while.
He gets angry .. as he put it . that he told his mom "your purpose? There is no purpose mother .. and NO GOD ISN'T PUNISHING YOU ............. that's not what this is all about . we did all we could for as long as we could .. to keep you in your home . mother you shat yourself daily .. who is gonna deal with that ....?!?", you don't eat . you lived at home with the MOW stacking up uneaten . didn't hydrate . got sick all the time, falling . there is no purpose mother . you are here . and it's clean here ..
Can you get DD to consult on that?
She had said to him "ya know, they don't take care of me here" ..
Him lamenting on as to what he said to her .. "They do take care of you mother . you get sick, they look after you .. you're given your meds . you didn't take when you lived alone .. your ankles swollen to the size of basketballs . that doesn't happen here .. you get bathed .. they bring you food .. so they don't come in here all Mary Sunshine . and smiles . so what .. I probably wouldn't either if I've cleaned my 9th azz for the day and wiped up shat ....... so what ..... they don't have to come in here all friendly and smiles .. they have a job to do and as long as they do it . and aren't ugly that's all you can ask for".
Him lamenting on as to what he said to her "So they're not kind . so what .. stop trying to be nice to them (as she'd put it, I go out of my way to try to be friendly with them all but they just aren't kind) .. stop it .. just stop trying to be nice, you have a damn request . then ask it . if they don't come in with a friendly smile, so be it . they have a damn job to do and you are probably one of about 12 others they have to look after with shatted up diaper and whatever else need .. so what"
And he goes on to report that he said to his mom (because we both get fed up with the fact church lady goes to see her weekly . and the report there, from church lady is that all is well, and MIl seemed to be in good spirits . and she's seemingly accepting of her plight . and she and I had a good visit . she seems to be doing well". That is NOT NOT NOT what DH encounters . AT ALL. And we're both fed up with it.
He said to his mom: "I want you to do me a favor, L and M come in here to visit w/you and they tell me how wonderful you're doing . and you're seemingly okay and happy and .. that the visit went well .. I want you to either put on that show . that same show when I come . or either be truthful w/them .. ".
Said he responded .. : "I am? I'm putting on a show?".
DH: "Yes mother, I come here and you whine and complain and tell me how awful it all is .. and they come and they don't get that . yes you're putting on a show . so be honest with them too".
I just listen . when what I want to do is scream. When are you gonna get it DH . you are talking to someone with a broken brain ...
She complains they don't come . .SHE HAS NO CONCEPT OF TIME DH ........... they come and likely prompt like . or thereabout . but to her .. it's all .. a matter that it takes them forever to come. She has a broken brain . she has no realization and processing to know that living alone . isn't an option . and she .. wishes that could be her path. Just smile and nod and change the damn subject, ..
I am sick of it. He comes home from there . in all sorts of down moods . every time.
How to figure a way to not let it internalize in me . it angers me ..
As I have said, probably too many times, I do think she has dementia. And of course, allowances need to be made for that. However, it is almost like the allowances are made for the wrong things. Place and time issues (is Chatty really coming to bed at midnight? Maybe, maybe it’s 9pm, or 4 in the afternoon, lol) bathing, etc., in other words, the more physical, measurable “stuff”. But the emotional side of brain dysfunction is very real, and he is letting it rule him.
She is at that no man’s land place in it, though, where it is SUPER hard to know how much to hold someone responsible for. This middle stage is so confusing to family caregivers... it isn’t like a Hallmark movie where one day, everyone wakes up and Grandpa got lost in the car wearing only his underwear. It is a slow drain.
It is only natural that there has to be some testing of the waters, periodically. In her case, calling her on it the way he did isn’t a bad thing.
Why?
Because now she is on notice and HE can watch what she does with that info. Hearing all that from a son, most people with healthy brains would integrate that knowledge into their behavior. If she doesn’t, DH has one more evidence that something is broken upstairs.
And because he got it off his chest. Something to be said for that.
But now, he needs to stop engaging with it. Change the subject, leave, go smoke something in the courtyard, whatever. Every time. She is ALWAYS going to find something to ruminate on and devolve to. And it will ALWAYS be something that pulls an emotional reaction. Her logic functions are broken. The left brain is affected more than the right. So, the brokenness resorts to her creative side, and her illogical desire for any emotion.
For this same reason, she is upset that SIL (or anyone, probably) is out doing something. There comes a point where the “I don’t want to be a burden” comments become empty words. NOT because the person wouldn’t have meant it earlier in life or because they are a bad person. They just can’t step out of themselves (at THIS point in life) into the place of the “other” anymore. That function doesn’t work.
The hard part is that it isn’t just about “feeling love”. That seems to be said quite a bit, as though caregivers/family members are just not giving enough. (And of course, there can be instances of this.)
But, a whole, healthy-brained person in her position would know she is loved because you all are very loving to her. She isn’t left alone for years on end. You all try to laugh with her and say kind things and bring her treats. She acts like she is being left in misery because the love-receptors on HER end are broken.
DH will hopefully be able to see this soon. It simply isn’t about him doing more. She just can’t process the reality of the love that is given her. This is SO hard for a kid to come to terms with in a parent.
But he is letting her brokenness lead him around by the nose.
And he is letting that brokenness have way too much power in his other relationships. So frustrating for you. My DH went through a period of that sadness/false guilt thing too. I went more the broken record route with him, saying many of the above things over and over.
He has to change his lens. Right now, he is held hostage by her place on the dementia spectrum. He is looking at this situation through her broken lens. He has to break free of that and come back into the light... find a normal, whole, healthy lens again.
As always, I know you know this. Just know that you are supported:)
I also think both he and you need to find some laughter together over the situation. Find ways to joke about it, hard as that may seem. Gallows humor, so to speak.
Whether or not MIL has the faculties to process this - and act accordingly - is irrelevant.
What IS relevant is that DH momentarily stepped out of his pattern of ruminating and preaching to the choir — and delivered the right message to the right person.
This is a baby step for DH, but it shows that he is capable of a shift.
I’m not sure exactly which words of encouragement are needed (help me out, wise folks of AC Forum!), but DH needs positive reinforcement for taking this step.
And in that same breath, DH needs to be discouraged from his defeating self-talk; and discouraged from bringing home a black cloud home after every visit to Purgatory.
I hope someone on this forum can pick up where I left off ..... by offering some “talking points” to Dorker...... to help Dorker support DH (and herself!) by articulating to DH how to:
•Continue to direct his angst where it belongs.
•Leave his misery at the door
•Cultivate acceptance
And yes, well, MIL should have stayed in IL, shouldn't she. Then she could have had assisted living plus SIL. But Dorker don't you waste any breath saying so (I know you wouldn't).
It is still early days, mind. Maybe she'll get the hang of the routine yet, and become one of the facility's "characters."
MIL: "Now don't forget me".
Much of what she repeatedly whines and drones on and on about . .gets to him . but that one specific part . that one has the capability of sending him into the stratosphere of anger.
As he put it, relating it all to me: "I just want to turn around and ask her . what the h377 are you talking about mother?!?!?!?! W.H.E.N. Have you E.V.E.R. been "forgotten by me" . stop it with the effing dramatics".
He says she's always had a flare for drama . as if she's in some soap opera written for her, . she as the star character. As he relates back to his teen days and standing toe to toe with what was at that time, a menopausal her . and the drama that would routinely ensue .. and he'd stand .. just enough pizz and vinegar of his own in those days . and clap and tell her "BRAVO MOTHER, BRAVO . the academy award awaits you".
"Don't forget me".
Enough to cause the top of his head to spin off.
Yes . how to disengage from it all myself .. for my own sake and sanity .. but also be of support to him . as he . decompresses from these visits.
Humor would be a perfect remedy. Only I'm not particularly witty .. unfortunately.
He says he told her yesterday as part of the visit (him describing to me, that he always leaves there, tears flowing .. at the sorrow of it all) .. he told her, "Mom I'm sorry that this is your lot at this point, if I could do anything to change it I'd sure do it . but you can't live alone anymore .. and .. there is no $ to pay for round the clock care for you".
I just wish ...... I wish he'd find a way to stop justifying . or trying to . .. and it all for naught anyway. Telling all this to someone of her broken brain is about trying to justify to a toddler why they can't have their 4th popsicle for the day. It just is what it is . and .. stop trying to justify. It goes about as far as trying to make a toddler understand that 4th popsicle is not good for you . so no. Just stop it. Change the subject. Agree with her, "yea I know it's hard mom, so what'd they bring you for lunch today .. hey . church lady told me you were in a spirited conversation with another resident when she came in the other day .. tell me about that, who'd ya talk to . what'd you guys talk about".
I wish he'd do as I've seen others have to do . with their LO's .. the one thing that hasn't been tried is that she hasn't been left alone . with no visitors . for a period of a few weeks . and .. maybe in that .. find that she needs to acclimate.
It's almost like .. the visitors .. the people that were in her life . they come to see her, and for her . it's experienced as sadness .. in the respect .. that these aren't visitors coming to her home . she so wishes she hadn't had to leave .. these aren't visitors coming to where she wanted to be .. but it's a reminder to her that her whole world has been upended .. and she hasn't yet had to acclimate to this is now my new residence, my new surroundings .. and I need to find way to deal with it.
That has yet to happen . and likely won't ever.
It's like DH said .. "I see .. I see now how it is that LO's get left in NH's and no one ever comes to see them again .. not right .. I could never do that .. I have to put what's right first and foremost and that's NOT right . to just dump em and run . but I do see how .. how that happens".
Sad to say .. I do not go and see her. For a long while here I've been preoccupied with my dad. But that has eased up in larger measure than it was for a while. I 'could' go see her. But I don't want to deal with the whole sadness and woe with me, and in fact, it makes me angry that she continues dumping on him when he does go . and then our world here at home . is fell with sadness and despair . until he moves on past it . which .. takes a while. It angers me.