I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
These ditzy sibs and their mom have made their bed. Dorker is resolved to leave if DH brings MIL to the Yellow Bedroom.
For those of us who are inveterate "fixers" (It took me a LONG time to get over this), it is a real wakeup call when we realize that something is out of our "locus of control".
With my own mom, I was often able to tweak things so that they were a little better. With my MIL, there was just no way. The dysfunction in my DH's family was just too deeply nested, and ANY attempt to jostle the boat was met with cries of "mutiny".
DH walked away when his mom threatened to call APS on him, because he told her that smoking with a dx of COPD was kinda like suicide. He realized that he didn't have the trust or the skillset to make any kind of difference in her life. He was sad, but resolved.
I think Dorker just needs to let the sibs figure it out.
As he was leaving, SIL was approaching they need another grab bar installed in the hall bath . in the tub area .. for her husband ..
DH annoyed with this. DH's feeling, .. (and firmly my feeling) ... SHE ISN'T GOING TO BE HERE ...........................MOTHER IS NOT GOING TO BE STAYING HERE, .. all of this NOT necessary!". He ignored her pleas as to a grab bar in the hall bath .. bathtub area.
He hadn't been home maybe 2 hours before SIL texted again ... so so sorry .. but the light bulb in h
And Mother is going to be staying there, for a while. Until the next drama, which, gosh, are we all hoping happens before the 9th? I don't think anything will wake up these two sibs.
Putting those grab bars in is HARD WORK. Good for DH for declining the "offer".
Be sure to sidestep the potential landmine of MIL probably "preferring" that H not toilet and bathe her. That would be a way to reenlist your help on the scene. Be very firm that you will NOT do it!
(The next time my mother becomes helpless from a muscle strain, I will not help her bathe again -- fortunately I did NOT have to help her go to the toilet!. Her darling golden boy sons will have to take turns coming down here, or else she can hire in-home help. I don't care if she feels uncomfortable with the possibility of her sons helping her. If she wasn't so ungrateful and demanding of me, they wouldn't be expected to help her like that.)
So, Dorker, do I infer that SIL is thinking that she AND her husband will be needing to stay at MIL's home for long enough for her husband to need a grab rail over the bath tub? So... how long is this piece of string..?
I'm not sure, and no one asked, MIL's bathroom, has grab bars at every possible point, including the shower. Why it is that BIL can't use that shower .. in the instance they might be worried he too, would slip and fall. No, I guess, easier to put DH to work, on the many rabbit holes SIL can conjure up.
DH has not yet performed the task of an add'l grab bar for the hall bath, bathtub .. he seems reluctant and annoyed at the prospect of entertaining the notion to do so. I stay out of it. I wouldn't know which end of a grab bar to do what with, to install it myself.
The light bulb in question, .. by which DH had to make another handyman trip out that way .. it is in some kinda housing up in the ceiling .. and thus ... not as easy as just changing a light bulb. Again, .. not my thing .. I haven't ever paid the 1st bit of attention to how it is there is light in that bathroom.
SIL does indicate she is staying beyond the plane reservation previously made, which would have had her departing on 1/09. Her husband however, will be departing .. he does some volunteer tax work for the seniors in the area where they live, and time for him to go do that. SIL will be staying to nurse her mother along. I don't know for how long. Only that DH had asked of her, what are her plans with regard to the situation .. his words, "Mother can't be left alone". SIL's response was somewhere in the range of, "going to see where we are with it all in a couple of weeks".
I would've asked more probing questions .. but don't suppose DH chose to do so.
I suspect that it will be longer than a couple of weeks. MIL has been so compromised for so long, and this fall she took .. while no broken bones (that we know of) ... is the very thing I've cautioned .. all along .. is going to happen (though I prefaced it there'd be broken bones, I was wrong).
DH was over there yesterday .. and he reports that his mom winces and in fact, groans and moans with every step (in pain) .. on the walker. She is .. at least, at this point, able to ambulate out of her bedroom .. which is more than was the case initially .. but SIL right there, .. every step she takes .. in case.
She doesn't stay out of her bed for long. Every action .. if she's getting up to come to the kitchen, or the den .. every single move she makes .. sounds like it's pretty damn painful .. and it wears her completely out to have done so. She doesn't stay up for long .. and is back in bed again.
DH was asking me, .. (I haven't been on scene there, so I don't know the extreme of it all, only what he tells me) .. "can PT order her back into the hospital, .. can't they call and say this woman is in agony here .. she needs to be hospitalized".
My answer to DH (though I haven't been witness to any of this) .. "PT can phone the physician .. the physician would have to order it, not a PT".
DH's response: "I think they need to, she is in so much pain ...".
My response: "From what your sister said .. there's no formal dx .. pain from being sore from a fall, isn't a dx .. that would warrant an inpatient stay .. that's why I tried to encourage your sister that she needs to tell them no one is there to care for her ... I don't know that it would've made any difference, but I think if it were me, I'd of tried it".
So that's where things are at present.
With her underlying issues, she's at very real risk of pneumonia.
Dorker, I do enjoy the saga. It's so familiar, and I'm afraid many of us know what will happen next and in the long term. Hang in there - you are doing a great job with your boundaries!
A week later, not able to bear weight, PT asked for new xrays. Yup, she had a break.
If you are old and have underlying heart and lung issues, if you don't move around enough, you develop pneumonia.
The way it works where I live, her PCP could order her admitted to the hospital where s/He has privileges .
I don't think Dorker should do anything at all. Just telling her the way to manage this when it's HER MOM.
DH or SIL can call the PCP's office, explain what's going on and ASK for her to be admitted to the hospital FOR PAIN RELIEF. After a horrific motorcycle accident, that's exactly what I did with DH. He could get control of the pain, so I hauled him to the Hospital, they did MORE workups and found he had burst an artery in his, well, buttcheek. It was a slow bleed that didn't show up for a week after the accident. I kicked up a real stink and they admitted him until they could get his pain under control. Also a 3rd blood transfusion.
I KNOW neither DH nor SIL will do this. So, I guess I am spitting in the wind. I'm just saying, there are ways top get her hospitalized and language to use to KEEP HER THERE.
Oh well, posting any new ideas on this board seem fruitless, but, Dorker, at least you know a lot of people have your back.
I agree, no need for me to say much. There are PT and OT and visiting nurse coming through there routinely. Surely, they know a whole lot more than I do. I guess, the wincing in pain and moaning .. and so forth, with every step taken .. *to be expected*...???
While maybe a bit concerning to those that love MIL, to be around it, .. maybe it's somewhat normal given the circumstances. One can only assume that to be the case, since the medical professionals that are rotating through there, haven't seen fit to take any further action.
I'm pretty sure all that he wrote on his records was 'Pt is a PIA.'
But as long as there are no bones broken, she needs to be encouraged to grin and bear it because she must keep mobile, BB is right, otherwise she's a sitting duck for all sorts of nasties - pneumonia, pulmonary embolism from DVT, stroke. God forbid any of these should happen but she's not improving her chances by going back to bed.
On a more positive note, SIL will be better placed to mastermind a move if she's on site. There could be good developments from all this, in the end.
Funny story. A few years back. It doesn't generally get below freezing here, .. it does .. but not often. DH forgot to turn off the sprinklers outside. It dropped below freezing at night while we slept, .. the front porch had a nice glaze of thin ice coating it.
Didn't know that.
Sailed out to go to work, at 6 AM .. and swoosh ... azz end over tea kettle, .. down onto and bouncing along the first three steps out onto the concrete walkway .. on the ice.
I was sore for days, .. I remember thinking I'd maybe broken my elbow it hurt so bad.
Accused DH of having hired a lousy hit man .. if you want me "offed" that's not a good way to do it, I'm built to hearty for that!
No broken bones, .. but yowzaa .. it hurt .. for days.
It did snow here, very light dusting a couple of decades ago .. enough to actually stick. Shut down the entire region .. airports closed, mass transit closed, roads closed, bridges all of it. We, Floridians aren't prepared for that kinda thing. We don't salt roads here, no equipment for it.
Local authorities are calling for all who aren't essential first responders to stay off the roads, and local gov't offices are closed for the day tomorrow.
I doubt any health professionals will rotate through in the next couple of days.
None of us are immune from power failures. Mine, in my area, failed last night, for about 30 minutes. Likely overloading the grid as so many of us crank up the heat here.
I'm just trying .. as best I can .. with MIL and the situation .. let SIL handle it, .. she would even if I tried to jump headlong into it all, she'd head it in whatever direction her personal agenda dictates. I'm staying out of it.
I stand by what I said, .. if MIL is left here, by SIL, having been (supposedly) nursed back to a "she's fine, she's managing" state of being. In the event of the net calamity .. 911 is on speed dial. I will, as I did the last time, rescue her dog for housing in my home .. and .. I won't be front and center at the hospital.
If she is to be discharged, there will be no one there to get those instructions .. all while I urge DH to be a bigger part of that than he would normally be, and urge that she be discharged to Rehab .. from a distance.
Staying out of it. Nothing I say or do, makes any difference at all, why bother.
I think your H will ultimately win this game, because it bothers SIL more when MIL isn't being attended to, correct? So that is why she is currently staying with MIL until the situation changes. H wins. SIL gets MIL.
Dorker's DH laments the decline. He feels bad WATCHING his mother struggle. But the church....and hunting....and work.....
Dorker's SIL struggles to reverse the decline. Reminds me of MY MIL. Surely a medication, or medical procedure, or something will reverse the Parkinson's and incontinence and refusal to participate in PT....the doctors must have some secret formula to reverse the downward spiral and we just have not made the doctors tell us yet. But there is no magic pill to reverse CHF. Or aging. Or years of physical neglect and edema and diabetes poorly controlled. The need for Long term care is exactly that - care for more than an immediate accident and plans for the continued decline.
We all read and post here on this thread because we've been there, done that, not only got the T-shirt but probably traded it in a couple of times. Dorker the fixer kept the train going for years - the same way she kept house going, parents and husband and kids and grandkids going, work and his business office needs going....then Dorker hit the wall and reached out for support - endorsement of her feelings - maybe ideas to get the P-A siblings involved in long term planning. We've contributed ideas but mostly it's been endorsement that Dorker's not crazy and selfish. Neither of the siblings will change. The daily care needs of MIL are now scaring SIL and she's trying to figure out how to keep her in Florida. Wait for the "can't change her doctors and her church and her care professionals without causing her problems". If Dorker lifts a finger to call or copies paperwork, it will all be back in her lap. Which is fine if it's a CHOICE, not a resentment filled dump.
I feel like, the top of my head could blow off. Just so angry.
I don't know the bottom line here, .. I'm only surmising. I haven't asked. I'm not going to, for fear the top of my head will blow sky high when I hear the words I don't want to hear.
I know SIL had me order on my Prime account (via MIL's cc, which is on file there) .. a bedside thing .. so she can brace off to get up out of bed.
Since then, she sent me a text with a link .. wants this bath xfer chair ordered, as well as some bath matt.
I didn't ask .. "is that for your husband or for MIL". Didn't ask.
But that was soon followed with another text, informing me that if I hadn't ordered teh bath xfer chair, hold up .. that MIL is now balking at having to remove shower doors in the master shower .. to accomodate this xfer chair for her shower.
There was my answer, .. not for her husband, for MIL.
I wanted to ask, (top of my head blowing off at this point) ... "why are you now going to be .. and yes .. calling on your brother to come over and remove shower doors ... ??!!?!?......your mother DOES NOT NEED TO REMAIN IN THE HOME ......PERIOD ... the doctors TOLD her she needs to make other arrangements for her living setting .. you are aware of that, what part of that are you not getting??!!?!?!?".
I swear the top of my head is blowing off.
She will, without a doubt, be calling DH to come remove shower doors in MIL's master bath shower. I asked DH had he heard of that .. and no he hadn't. I informed him the call is coming. I know when he did that at my mom's house .. she merely wanted a new shower door, .. not for health reasons. The tile ... tile that had been there with the house since it was built back in the 80's .. the tile came with it .. now there was a need to try to match the tile to patch work it all back together.
That will be the situation with is mom's house (built in the 70's) .. and DH said of it, "I'm not removing the track though .. I will take the doors out if that's what they want .. but I'm not taking the track it sits on .. not removing that ...".
That will be the next point of contention as SIL then anguishes that the track then remaining there, yet one more thing for MIL to scrape herself up on .. as she looses her balance ...
ME over here screaming at the top of my lungs ... SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE LIVING ALONE ANYMORE TO EVEN BE FALLING ............................. IN THAT HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH is the matter with you?!?!?!?
One more device, one more accomodation . one more this, one more that.
All for what?
The next calamity is coming. It's a fact. There is no one here to sleep with her, .. around the clock and nurse her along .. what part of that are you not comprehending.
Her balance is absolutely atrocious ... she can't even walk into the bedroom and pull down a shade without falling .. she has fallen SEVERAL times .. what are you waiting for.
Hell the window has probably already closed on her ever being able to travel .. ever .... again. She can't stay strong long enough to make that trip.
Between the weeks and weeks of unexplained diahrea that plagued her that you nursed along for weeks and gave into her pleas not to have her hospitalized against doc wishes .. only to then find her hospitalized ...
Between the sessions of feeling she was "fading away' and ending up hospitalized ..
Between the UTI that landed her in the hospital
Between the other nasty fall she took , that had me and DH working around the clock to nurse her ...
All within the past year or so ...
What are you waiting for ...???!?!?!??
Is this all in an attempt to honor her wishes and leave her be in her home .. in spite of the nasty mess it will all become .. because it's coming .. and it's coming fast, .. and I can see that .. why can't you .. it's going to be horrible .... the window if it isn't already slammed shut, it is close to it.
Is this all because you want to honor her request at all costs ..even at the cost of some horrible GOD awful injury is that the basis of all this.
Or is it that you REALLY don't want to have to make a move in either direction, taking her to your home, or to AL ... what is it, what's at the root of all this.
You are nursing her back to health here, to what ..???...leave her again .. for what??!?!?
I am removed from it in the aspect I don't go over there, purposely. I don't even ask .. not really . .how are things progressing.
Removing myself, on purpose.
But then .. I get asked to order for them .. Because I have a Prime account on Amazon .. free shipping .. 2 day .. etc. The bath xfer chair .. and so that all comes up.
I just want to scream from the top of my lungs .. what the hell is wrong with everybody in this picture.
Maybe I'm the one that's insane here ... I'm the only one that seems to see any urgency in any of it .. that she is NOT FINE .. SHE DOES NOT MANAGE ...
But saying that falls on deaf ears .. in every direction .. as we place one more gadget, one more this or that .. all in this continued attempt to allow that she stay in place.
I guess .. I just have to work to resign myself .. yet again .. to save my own sanity .. nothing .. there is absolutely nothing .. she could fall and need 100 stitches in her face .. and broken bones every which way .. and they'd still .. one more gadget, one more this or that ... one more of this one more of that, .. bring her home to continue living alone ..
And underneath it all .. somewhere in there lies the ... oh I don't even know what you call it .. how to term it .. the underlying theme in it all. .. that they are passing the buck .. all in the hopes that Dorker will one day come to her senses and step up .. and even .. yes .. in the event she needs help toileting and xfer'ing from bed .. etc etc etc. Dorker will surely step back up at some point.
Wow, the power this family still holds over you, and I'm not saying that it is a bad thing, but still you have got to now put Every Single interaction onto your husband, and not even answer a phone call or a text from her, forward Everything to him!
This won't be forever, just during this period of time where they will have to forced into making the hard decisions regarding Their Mom. It doesn't seem even remotely possible that SIL is going to be leaving any time soon, at the very least I am praying she is trying to nurse her back to a point where she can take her back home with her, as her leaving her here, even in the best of care situations, is going to be an enormous amount of work for you and your husband (so YOU!!!).
While Nursing homes and Assisted Living places do the majority of the work, there is still a lot that they don't do, and I can't see you happy, back in the role as caregiver, errand girl, servant, and that is what you would be.
Please for your sake, back away, 100%, zero input, zero contact, it is the only way to force their hands into do the right thing, the only thing. Your MIL needs to go to where her daughter lives in whatever capacity, as who knows when your own Mom or Dad may need You to intervene on their healthcare needs and wellbeing, and its simply not fair to have this all on your shoulders.
SIL should be cleaning out her mom’s home to get ready to sell instead.
Absolutely correct about putting a bandaid on a huge leak.
And, let SIK get her own Prime account!
So sorry Dorker. It’s not over for you either. You sound pretty firm & I admire you for this.
I know she utilizes mine because she knows I have one anyway (always ordering something or other for my grandchildren).
Had a bit of discussion yesterday with SIL.
I KNOW and I KNOW and I KNOW .. this should be up to HER BROTHER to have discussion with her.
IT doesn't happen! I wish that it would. GOD how I wish it would. He just goes along his busy merry way .. with all of his work/church .. hunting, etc. Goes over there as handyman when needed .. offers to take a shift (it gets declined) ... and that's that.
SIL texting me yesterday that MIL is doing better .. she is able to now get around (walker) more .. without SIL standing right beside her. But .. she is also still sleeping with her nightly .. and if the dog needs out . which mostly he does .. but not always (SIL keeps him up later than MIL would normally) .. she gets up with the dog. If MIL needs to get up in the middle of the nite to go to the bathroom, she gets up with her. Said this goes on about 3 x's a night.
She went on in that same breath .. to say ... that she's worried .. her mom has the MOHS procedure scheduled for 1/29 .. and she will have to have some stitches and likely stay off that leg .. some .. which will be a set back as to any PT .. and ... her worried she won't even be able to withstand the MOHS thing at that point .. (squamous cell carcinoma on her lower leg, .. looks pretty hideous btw).
Then pondering, without even taking a breath .. she knows that she will not be on that plane to return home on 1/9 as the reservations were set up .. but whether to send her husband home .. or keep him there with her.
He was set up to go back and do his volunteer tax work he does this time of year .. and that is to commence upon his return there. She worries though, leaving him alone .. who should she leave alone, her husband at home alone (husband suffered a minor stroke back when she was here last, her husband home alone) .. also suffers from some pretty severe BP disorder and is on a LOT LOT LOT of medications .. and is diabetic .. and if he gets manic, .. and he does .. rarely .. but he does .. he eats ALL the wrong things without someone to police him.
At first I tried to just stay benign .. and answered, "no easy answers".
She then went on to say: "and of course, those reservations we made, that's just a loss .. the expense of not returning .. we just eat that cost .. ".
She then goes on to say that .. as she ponders keeping her husband here, what a help he's been .. he washes the dishes, does the laundry, cares for the dog, runs errands .. if he goes home, then it's all on her .. all of it.
Talked about the expense of having made the reservation .. and if they don't go back, eating that cost .. along with the fact they are presently paying a neighbor boy $25 each time that he has to snow blow or whatever
I answered that: "Yes well it does seem every time you come here there is one calamity after another, either you arrived here because of a calmity or the calamity occurs while you're here .. you need your own private yet, sounds like".
Her lamenting, "so hard to know what to do".
I said to her: "your mom isn't safe to live alone anymore, .. the docs told her that in the hospital .. as you know, I've been saying it for months ... she needs more supervised care".
SIL: "I'm not even sure when she can make that trip to my house .. she's certainly not strong enough right now .. and it had been my hope to bring her to live with us .. though that too, will be frought with some problems, but it's the only thing I know to do .. I mean .. eventually . .. an ALF near us .. but for the first, at least .. to live with us ... but I don't know when she will be strong enough to make that trip".
I responded to that: "As we've told you, we will do whatever we can to help facilitate any move that needs to happen .. but .. you all are going to continue to wait until the window on any ability to travel is slammed shut for good .. she can't stay well long enough to make that trip ... between the diarrhea bout that went on for weeks on end, no answers, culminating in a hospital stay .. the fading away sessions she was having ... the UTI .. the hospitalization, the fall that had us nursing her around the clock for weeks ... the window is closing, if it hasn't already".
SIL: "I just don't really know what to do .. I guess we just close her house up and deal with that later .. I don't know ... I wanted to have her up my area .. and eventually an ALF there, so I can keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on and be a part of her life .. if she's in an ALF here .. I will still have the expense of trying to get back down here all the time. I just hate having to uproot her .. it's so unsettling for elderly people, and she just loves her house .. and it's so perfectly set up for her .. there are just no easy answers in it".
I responded to that: "Your mom is going to fall again .. I don't delude myself into thinking that all the gadgets in the world will preclude another fall . it's going to happen . this time .. she dodged a major bullet in that there are no serious broken bones .. but it's coming ..it's not "if" it's when .. because it's coming, she falls all the time. What would her answer be, .. does she want to stay in her home, be damned the nasty horrible consequences that are sure to come .. is that her wish ... ".
She said in response: "No I think she's almost afraid to be alone at this point .. for fear of falling .. I think this got her attention .. and she seems to have a more realistic view these days .. than she did previously .. that it's just not safe. But I can't move here .. and so .. she has to come to where I live .. but can't keep her well long enough to get her there".
My response to that: "I guess these are the consequences of allowing her the latitude she's been given to keep repeating the mantra "I'll be fine, now I will manage here" .. as she's been given for so long ... I said it and I meant it, months ago .. she is not safe to be living alone .. and here we are ... she has fallen .. and this time it is taking round the clock care .. there is no one here that can do what it is you're doing ... round the clock".
SIL response: "Well I know that there is no setting that can prevent a fall, .. she could fall living with me . she could fall in an ALF, but I know ..at least in an ALF there are shifts of folks there coming in and fresh to do their job .. and it's not on one person to do it".
SIL goes on to say: "I just feel so bad for her ... I don't want whatever time she has left on earth to be unpleasant .. I feel bad uprooting her .. from all she knows and loves .. and she feels sad, feels like she has lived too long and is a burden .. and doesn't want to burden any of us".
I responded to that: "Well in my view, .. if she is of sound mind, and she is thought to be .. then she should be pondering how it is she can lessen that *Burden* she perceives herself to be .. and it seems to me, that her care and well being .. under your roof if you are willing/able .. lessens that burden .. to some degree and so she should be willing to make that accommodation. She certainly isn't the first person to have lived long enough that they need assistance .. she's not the first won't be the last .. but she should frame it more, or maybe you can .. that at least she's got a daughter that is willing/able to make her last days as pleasant, within reason .. that can be .. a lot of elderly/feeble folks don't have that as an option .. she should frame it in that light .. and be grateful .. rather than worrying more about what a burden she is, .. and you worrying more about uprooting her, it's about safety at this point ... she isn't safe continuing to live alone, and I don't care how many gadgets are put in place, she is going to fall again .. it's going to happen".
SIL: "I know that it's so hard for her, she has really powered thru the pain here to work to get more stable and recovered here .. but her body just doesn't always cooperate".
Me: "she's almost 90 years old, .. that's a given .. she's not going to recover like someone much younger .. and each time, it's weeks and weeks and weeks or recovery .. no matter what the basis for the latest calmity .. she doesn't need to live alone anymore and you having to hop on a plane and then the expense thereof, .. and/or deciding what to do about your husband .. when the person who is in "need" can't accommodate and make themselves available for that help .. then that person who "needs", is going to have to do things differently.
Your brother isn't retired, you see how much he's out there .. like about zilch .. I am not retired ... I took this on .. for far too long .. caring for your mom .. and I can't .. and won't do it anymore .. she doesn't need to be left there, no matter what gadgets are put in place ..".
SIL: "I know, it sounds like that is dawning on her also .. finally .. but what to do about it .. she has to have this MOHS procedure and then recoop from that .. and of course, there is still this back injury she's working through, and it's the dead of winter, hadn't wanted to move her up there in the dead of winter .. and she's just not well enough to travel at this point".
Me: "Looks like you will have some tough decisions to make, decisions that should've been made long ago .. and you guys keep kicking the can down the road, .. it's not going to get better .. it's going to get worse .. that's a given .. and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves".
At that, she changed the subject.
This is the conversation that needs to occur between his sister and his mom and my husband. And look at all these thousands of posts .. and all these months.
IT DOES NOT HAPPEN.
I needed to have followed up the above (didn't occur to me til later) .. that she needs to be clear .. she and her mom both .. in the event she finds it suitable to leave her mom here, having supposedly nursed her back to stability (HA!, .. there is no stability in this situation) .. be aware .. should she fall or have some other malady, 911 is on speed dial on my phone and will be summoned, and she will not have an advocate in a hospital stay .. I won't be there .. she doesn't need to live alone and I'm not going to prop that charade up .. I won't be there .. and I doubt seriously your brother will be on that front either, in your stead .. so you make your decisions .. but at least you are informed.