I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My MIL is from a foreign country and every visit with her parents here or there, every phone call - her mum lamented the fact that FIL "took her so far away". It was MIL choice - but for 40 years until grandma died - she blamed my FIL for taking MIL so far away.
Narcissism and old age don't walk hand in hand happily.
I think graceful aging probably goes well if you can look back on a lifetime of giving service and understanding that it is a gift to allow someone to help you. Not to demand help, but to accept help, and one's own frailities in the bargain.
It also pays to have raised your children to be independent and competent and to work as a team. This requires you not to gossip about your kids to the others and play one against the other.
Brings forth another point that SIL had mentioned, almost .. seemingly aggravated with her mom. That her mom had lamented, .. "Why did you have to move SO FAR AWAY". SIL pointing out that her mom had imparted also, .. "Why did you have to marry someone from that area of the country".
This was recent, over her stay here.
SIL .. "I went to graduate school there .. and I was going to stay there anyway .. I like the area .. I have friends there .. life long friends .. I have been there for 45 years!".
It was kinda stark to me, that particular missive. First off, SIL has been gone to that region of the country and built her life there, her career, raised her children there, .. FOR 45 YEARS. She didn't move away from here a year ago. She's been there a lifetime.
Why would MIL even be lamenting that, at this point. That's long since been the case.
Denial, deep almost delusional denial.
Seemed SIL imparting this, almost frustrated herself with her mom .. that her mom would even question that, at this point.
The word "Gracefully". Brings about the conversation that SIL and I had. Her saying .. "this old age thing .. it has been very hard for mom .. she hasn't aged gracefully, .. she sees herself as youthful and fighting this tooth and nail, it's been anything but graceful".
Wonder what it is in some folks, there is in fact realization that there will be limitations as to their own abilities and well being and they roll with it .. rather than fight it, as MIL did (does), as likely countless others have done.
I haven't been around very many folks to watch the whole aging process up close and personal. I can only reflect on my own g'ma .. lived to be 90 years old .. and she was still working in her huge veggie garden daily ... and going to the senior center (driving herself) daily .. and involved in her church. I guess she'd still be alive today had she not fallen (completely out of nowhere as she didn't have any issues that we were aware of), had she not fallen and hit her head.
I didn't have in that setting, something to reflect on as to .. "gee she sure is struggling with this getting older thing".
What is it that makes some elderly folks so delusional that they can continue to deny the aging process in the face of all the continual maladies and limitations on their abilities .. yet they continue to "deny" and refuse to address any reality of it and how to go forward in that reality. And yet .. there are others who fully embrace it, and realization on their parts that their world will need to change along with the changes in their abilities.
I told DH that was her approach on that specific issue and he merely said, "yea, .. she had to face you with all that, and so .......".
I really don't even think MIL capable at this point .. of being able to reflect on her actions having caused some of the divide that eventually occurred. Thus, I didn't argue those finer points with her. I just let her shift the focus onto the two parties that weren't there to refute what she had to say about it. Be that as it may, as they say.
Yes .. DD .. if she is, in fact, .. as MIL reports it to be, in routine contact with her these days. That is a huge epiphany. HUGE.
I don't know if that's the case, .. I haven't picked up my phone to text DD .. "So I hear you are routinely now reaching out to your g'ma?". Nunya .. none of my business .. nor do I care to even go there as to directing traffic in the whole thing.
May be that MIL is exaggerating .. I really don't know ..and in the end, it doesn't really matter. DD will find .. if she is now in the FOG .. that SIL has planted in her direction, she will find herself consumed in the maelstrom that is managing all of the millions of directives from afar .. as to MIL's well being. She will see that, on her own, without my input.
It is an interesting point that I ponder however. BECAUSE ........ DD ... if you could be a fly on the wall to what life was like .. prior ... you would see a DD who had a real firm grasp of the picture for what it truly was ... a MIL that does not need to be living alone any longer, and a daughter to MIL that is abdicating her responsibility to the whole thing, absent her dad's ability to step into that role himself. You would see a DD that had a real firm grasp on the fact, .. in fact, she said the words herself, .. .as to all the goings on, "There was way too much take on their parts .. they were only interested in take take take, as to what you could do for them .. and not enough give .. way too much".
She also of the notion, that she'd of done a far better job of ignoring SIL than I seemingly was able to muster in it all. Said as much.
So, if you take it at face value, what MIL implies .. it would seem that DD has had a change of heart ....???....and now is stepping in, in a bigger way. Contrary to what her demeanor on the whole thing would've been, as status quo .. at one time.
All-in-all, I am delighted, .. as to my space in the whole thing at this point. I think the over-saturation that went on for far too long .. has now been limited .. severely limited, and I can almost feel it at this point. It's going to bring about, for me, .. more tolerance for all the b/s that goes on .. more tolerance in that it won't cause my emotions to sky rocket when there is yet some other concern/malady (self imposed usually). Doesn't mean, in any sense, that I will find myself more than willing to step into the fray again .. not by a long shot.
It's been one helluva journey to get to this point.
I was pondering this morning .. neither here nor there really .... but just an interesting study for someone of the sociological demographic ilk ... the fracture and divide, and kinda crumbling of this family. A family that used to be .. much more cohesive and enjoy one another .. The two major matriarchs of this family, MIL and her sister .. and of course their offspring and the offspring of those kids .. it used to be quite the scene with all of them gathering .. and enjoying one another.
These days .. MIL's sister, the other matriarch .. deceased. Her husband .. now living in TN with his daughter .. as his caretaker in their home. MIL still alive, but just barely ........ and the one son of MIL estranged from the family .. no longer a part of the scene (his kids no longer part of the scene .. not so much because they agree with their dad .. but maybe more because they are embarrassed and yet powerless to do much about their dad's actions and so coming around anymore brings them a discomfort level they'd prefer to avoid) so they're no longer part of the scene that at one time enjoyed one another's company .. the daughter of MIL still part of the scene, but only in a role at this point .. of one who jumps onto the hamster wheel to run it at full tilt .. when she's around. SIL's kids ... of course grown .. and living their lives .. doing their things .. but seemingly somewhat self-absorbed in their own worlds and no longer part of much of a social gathering to it all.
Some would chalk it all up to, .. well kids grow up .. have their own lives and responsibilities .. and things just begin to dissipate as to people and their availability to get together with one another anymore. And that's true .. but that's not all of it .. there's more to it, when there are elderly that have to be attended to and that then becomes the focus of the whole dynamic. At least IMO.
How many families have seen their heyday dissipate .. at the hands of elderly folks who live too long and are too needy .. and life then becomes about servicing the elderly and the days of joy and fun .. are yesterday's news. How prevalent is that in today's demographics across the country? I bet, a lot.
Old folks are living a lot longer than they used to .. and yet .. in some cases .. no safety net for what to do with them as they age and become more and more needy.
You've done really well, Dorker!
Maybe that's it .. that SIL turns and focuses on him .. when he is present and dotes after him, rather than on MIL. Though to hear her complaints about watching it all, she does put voice to the fact that SIL would do that to her, also, if she'd allow it .. treat her like a child and do every thing for her, .. doting on her, and she doesn't want that, so she says..
Just a couple of observations from the whole thing today .. probably don't even bear mentioning but whatever.
I cannot believe that SIL has left her here alone. She is even more frail than what I recall from several months ago, having been on the scene a lot more at that time. The fall, obviously took a huge toll on her, .. but also the other issues .. have knocked her even further back as to any strength.
It really struck me, .. how slow she moves .. even slower than was the case before ..
And it dawned on me, .. ya know .. if her house caught on fire, I don't think she could get out. I truly don't. She's so slow .. in thought and in action .. she doesn't have the strength to knock out a window with a chair if that were her only option to escape.
But be that as it may .. not my choice.
Also of note, .. which I find kinda off-putting .. sounds like via MIL .. that DD is routinely in touch with MIL these days .. checking in .. quite a bit. Don't know if this is all born out of a new relationship between SIL and DD .. and maybe DD is now called to the front as to SIL and her hand wringing and teeth gnashing .. from afar .. and so DD has taken the torch at this point.
Not sure what, really, has prompted this new change of course .. nor does it really matter in the end. DD is an adult and can make her own choices.
BUT .. off-putting because it was several months back .. and that was the status quo at that time, when I was on the scene more, it was a well known fact that DD was not accessible .. (DD not known for answering her phone .. for anyone .. just not real good at that, but one could text her .. MIL doesn't text). MIL used to complain that it was impossible to reach DD .. (and she was right .. ). Now it seems that course has taken a different path and it sounds like DD is in touch with MIL quite routinely.
This from DD .. who .. watched countless times in my presence and would shake her head in dismay and ponder out loud how I put up with the 1000's of texts from SIL from afar .. and that I should just ignore her, and so forth. This from a DD who, at that time, and times prior, status quo at that point .. found MIL to be the drama queen that should be kept at arm's length at all costs .. loves her .. and would go spend time with her, limited time ... so as to avoid the drama.
So, not quite sure what that's all about .. but .. be that as it may also.
Well, .. the talk .. it has occurred.
Those therapeutic fibs. Those are the best things since sliced bread. Who knew? And the delayed texting and alarm buzzer .. wonderful "outs".
*I was supposedly in her area .. since I had supposedly worked a clinic nearby and supposedly had some paperwork that needed to be dropped off, and so I was supposedly just driving in her area, and could I stop by*.
None of the above true. It worked though.
Went about like this.
When I first arrived there (she has a horrible cough/cold) she was coughing and explaining that I'd need to be patient with her, as she coughs her head off .. that's her world right now, coughing and blowing her nose .. she explained. She'd just finished her breakfast, this was at 10:30 ....... I don't think she'd taken her meds, but I didn't ask .. I'm not going there anymore, .. nor will I be the one responsible for the fallout if she doesn't.
When she did come and sit at the kitchen table, (she'd been busy lumbering through putting away her b'fast dishes).
I told her: "Well I wanted the opportunity to visit with you a bit .. haven't seen you in quite a while .. you look really good btw .. and your b'yard ... my goodness .. you can tell some work was done out there it looks great". Just chit-chat stuff.
She then began to explain .. I let her go on and on .. about that fall she'd taken .. and I let her give me the blow by blow of it .. and how she doesn't remember it .. other than she woke up from whatever that caused her to fall .. if she even was unconscious .. she's not sure .. she just knows she reached for the window shade and the next thing she knew .. she was on the floor face down and pain in her back that she's never felt before and doesn't want to feel ever again and couldn't catch her breath. She then went into describing (not unusual for her) that the only other person there was SIL's husband and how useless he is .. that he didn't know what to do other than to call SIL (SIL had gone to the airport to pick up their daughter who was also arriving, to visit for xmas). As she put it .. good thing she was just pulling into the driveway as he called her, because I guess I'd of laid there and died, . he's just useless .. he wouldn't of known what to do, and I couldn't catch my breath to even tell him I need help.
She goes on from that to describe how she feels as though the rest of the time from there forward has been a time warp of sorts .. that it's all just a blur .. all of it, fighting back from that injury. She goes on to talk about how she's fallen before .. but always has had enough witts about her, to get from point A to B, whether by scooting or crawling or whatever, to get to something to pull herself up, but that this fall was like none other .. she was so incapacitated by it.
Allowed her some time, friendly conversation, to kinda offload some on that traumatic event and the struggle to come back from it. And she then went on to talk about what a struggle it's all been, that fight .. to rehab from the injury but then the MOHS thing .. and now this nasty horrible cough and cold she has.
Once she finished .. I said to her, "well but look at ya, you're still here .. what a testament to the fight left in ya .. you're still here and you're doing okay".
At that she responded, "okay is a relative term".
I then took the floor so to speak, .. "well anyway .. I did want to kinda clear the air on some things here .. from what I understand you'd had some hurt and bewilderment behind the fact my presence has been missed around here and you were struggling to understand that".
She's just listening, no response from her yet.
I went on, .. ya know, if you remember, back around the end of DD's pregnancy when she was having complications and I was taking L off her hands a lot and helping DD with whatever I could ... and of course, expecting the arrival of the twins .. I'd talked to you at that time, that my world was fixing to get turned on it's ear .. and that was .. in large part .. the truth .. bigger than even I knew .. and for a few months or more, really that was the case in fact .. and .. beyond that my mom was moving .. and so spending time with her, .. and of course that job .. training for that, and then working those clinics and always .. helping DH with his biz .. and ya know .. just life .. you get busy .. and of course, .. you fell in December and as you said .. kind of a time warp .. I was in touch with SIL .. but I didn't bother coming around at that point, from what she was telling me at that time, between PT and RN and OT on the scene coming and going and your exhaustion level .. it sounded like I just needed to stay outta the way .. and so I did .. I just stayed away .. and I'd be in touch with SIL as to how it was all going, via text .. so that kinda explains my whereabouts. BUT going forward .. what I would like to do .. and I'll run it past you .. I'd like to set it up with you that on Thursday mornings .. I can be available if you'd like, .. if that means you need me to pick up some rx's or maybe take you for an errand .. or whatever .. or just visit .. if that's all you need, but I'd like to carve that time out .. and set it aside, if you think that would be helpful.
She just listening to the above and then responded as follows:
"you know, .. I bet this is all prompted by H .. because I never .. I've been in such a time warp with all of this, .. it's not like I sat here wringing my hands with .. a whole thought process of where's Dorker, why isn't Dorker here .. what happened to Dorker. I'm here to tell you Dorker, it has been hell on earth .. getting thru all this .. I didn't sit and wring my hands and wonder where you'd gone .. I just got thru from moment to moment .. I know that S (SIL) .. I know that she had expressed that she never sees you, that she'd only seen you like 3 x's since she got here .. and she was kind of hurt .. that it seemed you two had always been so close and you were nowhere around .. but I was far too gone .. with all my woes to concern myself with any of it.
She goes on to say:
You know . the kinda thing that I really need .. I really need to like .. for instance .. that doctor that I go to for injections in my knees .. that is so far .. that specific doctor .. I don't think that's even on the radar again for months at this point ... but that kinda thing .. if I just knew that I had some way to get there ...
My response: "Well from what I hear, it sounds like you have kinda lined up some support services, and I think that's great .. I mean you have M, your house keeper from what I hear .. and of course next door you have C .. she said she's gonna take you to the grocery store and I know that DD has offered to help also .. and so I think she'd be great for like dog errands .. grooming and that kinda thing .. that way it would lessen the fact that the kids might be ill and get you sick .. but whatever .. and I know you've reached out to your MOW drivers and they've offered to help .. so it's all sounding great to me, like you have some options at this point".
She then goes on to talk about her neighbor C (C can be kinda flighty and that's known) .. "Well I hope that C can be of help as to the grocery store, you never know with her how that will really work in the end .. but yes, I've talked with her and she agrees to take me to the grocery store, so we'll see".
Me: "and there's always delivery .. or if it can wait til Thursday you let me know what you need and I'll pick it up for you".
Me: And so what are your plans going forward .. sounds like you and SIL have it worked out that she is to return here and at that point she's taking you with her to her home .. and
MIL: (hedging .. which I knew she'd do on that) ..... "we will see on that, S has all these plans and I just let her go on and on .. we will see ... I know that I won't be here for hurricane season I know that much".
ME: "oh really?, where are you going, I think that sounds like a really smart plan that you guys have hatched to make sure you are in IL at that time of year".
MIL: "well we will see, as I told S .. ya know, .. this house it just has so many memories all my things, all the gatherings all these years .. so many memories and for me to up and leave it for good .. that just .. that's just not anything I can do .. not right now, maybe one day but not right now .. I just can't do that".
ME: "Well, it'd be great if you could begin to transition that way by visiting her some in your home .. as you mentioned that you guys have talked about a six month stint there and vice versa for here .. that would ease that transition and it would certainly get you out of harm's way for hurricane season".
MIL: "Well .. I will not be here, .. that's for certain .. I don't know, those storms brew up and I'm on some list somewhere .. that their so busy calling me, all the time, wanting to know where I'm going and do I have shelter .. and would I like them to come get me (she's referring to local authorities and yes she is on some list somewhere that the authorities are aware of those who are aged and needy so as to help with evac if needed and yes she's right, they do hound her non stop .. to make sure she is gone .. and/or has a plan to be gone .. or do they need to add her to the list and come get her), .. they're always hounding me to the ends of the earth to make sure that I'm okay and have somewhere to go .. I mean .. they'll come get me . if that's what I need to do".
ME: "Well to me, IL sounds like a far better option than riding outta here on a school bus and then to a local high school where they've set up cots to sleep on and food lines to feed you and your dog will be taken to a different location for pets and sheltering them .. I think that was smart of you guys to make that plan".
MIL: Well that's all S's doing (SIL) .. you know her, she gets all these plans and ideas .. we will see.
I didn't argue with her. I'd said all I wanted to on that topic and she never brought up, "I wont' be going to your house .. that's for sure, because you were rude to me". That never came up. It might in one of my weekly visits there .. that hasn't been put to bed yet ......... I'm quite sure. She will .. lay in wait .. to let me know that she will never step foot in my house again. I'm okay with that, life will go on. I won't argue that with her either, .. I'll just keep defaulting to my plan that they be in IL at that point being a smart one .. like I'm some kinda dunce that doesn't get it, that she doesn't wanna go to IL. Obtuse.
By this point, my phone has gone off a couple of times and I'm mentioning that I really have to go, to get that paperwork delivered (a fib).
I asked her again, what did she think about Thursdays does that work for her, and she said yes .. that would work out okay and I pointed out to her some post its papers there and told her it might be good if she could begin a list with my name at the top for that date .. and I'd be happy to have her give me what her needs are when I ck with her on Wednesday before I come .. maybe if she could begin to write things on a post it note . things she might need me to see to on my weekly Thursday visits.
She then began talked: "Oh well I know you guys are all so busy .. all of you ... and you know it's my goal that I try to do all that I can .. on my own and not bother any of you, .. and I really do strive to do that .. and so .. ".
ME: "oh I know that you do .. and it's important you do so .. to keep yourself active . but whatever I can do that will give me a chance to visit with you some .. and maybe help in that small way .. as best I can .. might work out good".
She agreed, and then said: "and you know, H had mentioned about those ladies at your church .. and that's their ministry . to help folks like me .. and so .. I mean, I am not opposed to that, .. at this point, I don't even know how to get in touch with them, or their names or anything, do you know anything about all that".
ME: "yes well I do know both of the ladies and they are both wonderfully sweet people .. both of them probably ... I would guess maybe late 60's early 70's .. very sweet people .. and I know I was at the ladies luncheon the other day and one of them asked me did I think I could get H's mom to come to the next luncheon .. that it'd be a great way to meet you and get to know you .. and I explained to her that you really don't get out much .. but that I had suggested to her .. maybe we could at some point gather after church and come to your house with some sub sandwiches for lunch and just visit .. and that way you could meet them and get to know them .. and H and I would join .. so you wouldn't be alone with them initially. Their ministry is all about helping you, and getting to know you .. and praying with you .. and that kinda thing . they'd just want to come by on occasion to learn about you, let you learn about them .. and learn about what your needs might be that they can help with .. they are both wonderful people very kind, very soft spoken .. not over bearing at all, you wouldn't have to worry that they'd be on your doorstep every time you turn around, they aren't that sort .. "
MIL: "Well I know you've got to go, whoever that is that keeps calling you, you need to get with them .. but if you would, .. go ahead and see what you can do to get that put together, or talk to H .. and see if he can talk with them .. and we'll see what we can do .. at this point .. I'm looking at wherever I can to reach out for support, .. it's going to be important that I connect in that way wherever I can".
I assured her, I'd let DH know and with that, bid my goodbyes and was gone.
Not surprised that there is hedging on any trip to IL. I've said all along, she isn't gonna leave her neighborhood, much less get on a plane .. that doesn't surprise me. All I can do is encourage that sounds like a great plan.
And further, all I can do is stick my toe in the water of not being a malcontent in it all, and then hold that line firmly in place and nothing more.
She had talked of .. not wanting to go to IL ........
For some reason (that I don't understand) ....... it incenses her being around SIL's husband. Her husband is nothing but kind .. and sweet natured and helpful. I don't know why he so grates her........
Other than, here's about her words about him: "ya know, he is just as useless as can be . ya know S had gotten so worried about me with this cold that I've now gotten .. and so she was then beginning to make some noise that she just can't go away and leave me here sick ....... and of course B .. you could just watch him at work in it all, .. of course .. I'm of the mindset for GOD'S Sake ya'll go ...........go home ......... I will be fine here ...... go home! And B .. he's all beside himself, because you know that daughter of theirs .. she was to bring those 3 dogs over the very night they flew home and you could just see him coming unraveled over that .. he can no sooner take care of those 3 dogs than the man on the moon .. you know . he's really pretty useless .... S does everything for him, she fixes his foods and just the right foods for his diabetes .. she gets his pills out for him .. and makes sure that he's taking them, she lays his clothes out for him .. and tells him when to get dressed and so forth .. you know .. he just .. he cannot do a thing without her right there at his elbow ..
Interrupting at that point I said: "But yet he'd gone home from here to do tax season . and he manages with out her apparently . he does okay".
MIL: "oh I know, .. somehow he does it .. it's S that's the one .. she's the one that thinks she has to be right there at his elbow to direct his every move .. it's her .. and she'd do that to me too if I'd let her ...him ....(hesitance) .. well you know him Dorker, .. he's just a shell of a person .. he just lets her take the lead .. whether it's what he's gonna eat, what he's gonna wear for the day .. when he's gonna get dressed, just all of it .. I just .. I was so ready for them to just go .. go home .. go to your home .. leave me be ... S was a GODSEND . and then some, I don't think I would've survived all this that I've been thru without her here to help me, I couldn't even get up without help at first .. she has been an absolute GODSEND .. to help me thru it .. but I just .. I can't be around all that .. it just .. it's more than I can watch go on all the time"
Me: "he's been a lot of help to you too though, walking the dog, and going to the grocery for you".
MIL: "Yes .. but everytime he'd get in that car to drive to the store or whatever .. at least when I was aware of it, for a long time I wasn't even aware I was on this planet .. I couldn't of cared less who did what/where/how ..... but once I began to come around more and was more coherent . everytime he'd get in my car (they flew here, so they use her car when going anywhere) to go to the store or whatever .. I'd just cringe .. hoping and praying he'd get back here with my car, in one piece .. you know how he is .. and S .. she's just in pure denial .. if I said that to her, she'd look at me like I have two heads ... she treats him like he can't do a thing .. and really .. he can't .. he's pretty useless .. but then she says things like ... "oh hes' fine .. " .. she just won't admit that he has bigger problems and needs more help than most guys .. ya know when I was married to J all those years .. I didn't pack his suitcase for him when we'd be going somewhere, that was on him to do, and he somehow did it .. I didn't check to make sure that he packed appropriate clothes .. I didn't lay out his food for him and his pills and tell him when to get dressed and .. I don't know .. just being around that all the time, it's more than I can bear".
ME: "well he sure has been a huge help here.. so thank God for that ....... but I really gotta go, so I'll talk to ya probably about Wednesday so if you would . just be mindful of what you might need, put it on that post it note there and put my name on it, and I'll get with you then".
With that I was gone. Out the door and on my way.
I don't quite understand why it grates her so with that situation with her daughter and the husband there .. he is indeed as she describes him a shell of a person .. (so drugged due to his bipolar condition). She's not wrong. He's probably about like if you owned a robot. He will do .. within his limits of what he can do .. whatever he's asked to do.. be that get the trash out .. go get groceries, walk the dog, .. go make dinner, go wash the dishes .. whatever, of the above. But none of it dawns on him unless prompted ...
I don't quite get how that gets to her so bad .. I don't understand it. No one is asking her to prompt B .. her daughter does that ........ so why it's a problem for her, .. I don't get it.
But all of that to express that she probably will do everything in her power to NEVER have to go to IL to be subject to that. NEVER.
Where were you? You weren't here!
Answer: "I am here now".
I agree with Guestshop, "Never complain, never explain".
Repeat: "I am here now".
O nly...have timer ready
U nderstanably scary
G it R Done
O pptomistic
G roveling? Never!
I say stand your ground
R elax..... Really
L ove You!
Your Cheerleader From the Land of Oz!
Lol! I just cheered myself up to go over to MY Mom's and do stuff for her!
And as you know all too well, Dorker, Mama is never happy.
Beneath MIL’s stooped posture and the walker and the “poor little me” schtick is the harridan who:
**Amused herself by humiliating her other son in public when he was a young boy.
**Bought DH a bad-azz sports car during his prime trouble-making years — then tsk-tsked with fake shock when he did just that with his new toy.
**Decided long, long ago that her husband was not her partner, but her audience and her whipping post. And made good on it every day.
**Undoubtedly injected some sort of competitive psycho-drama into SIL’s upbringing.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
For four decades, DH has had the blessing — and reduced accountability — of Reliable Dorker making him look good. You stepping in and soothing the beast (MIL) in a way DH never learned to. He was always too close to the fire. So he’d react by freaking out or shutting down.
Part of the family lore is that you, Dorker, helped DH transition out of his wild-man years and become a family man, right?? You made DH look good by nurturing his offspring and creating a home life that was good for them. AND good for him.
By your own admission, the early years of your marriage were stressful. You were the rock, Dorker. You were the balm.
Probably didn’t always feel that neatly defined — when the girls were babies and you were scrapping with DH. But monetary contribution aside), YOU built your home, Dorker. You provided unwavering steadfastness and consistency.
You made family life your priority. Not just for fun times or party times or looking-good-for-others times. You were “all in” ALL the time.
You also were emotionally secure enough to give MIL (and her atrocious parenting history and her difficult personality) a chance to reinvent herself as uber-grandma. That’s huge. You stepped up and issued MIL a level of trust that she certainly had not earned. It was all faith. And it worked out decently. At the same time, you & MIL developed a companionable relationship and a shared bond.
Think back to those large family parties and beach vacations of yesteryear. Sometimes the happy occasion went off the rails, didn’t it? Squabbles. Resentments. Disrespect. Sometimes fueled by alcohol. Were you, Dorker, the default voice of reason? The de-fuser? The diverter? Of course you were!
OK. I’m taking a very long time to say: Dorker, your pull-back from MIL has shattered DH’s comfort zone. He’s not the most tuned-in guy, but he’s tuned in enough to realize that you redefining yourself means that he, too, must redefine himself. And that’s where DH gets stuck.
DH’s relationship with his mother has 2 chapters:
#1.) His teen/early adulthood “rebel-without-a-cause” routine.
#2.) Nearly 40 years of hiding behind Dorker.
Neither chapter fostered one iota of evolved, adult-to-adult relating between DH and MIL. The prospect of being involved with Scary Mommy beyond, say, fixing a screen door at his convenience (via 3rd party communication) and catching a quick nap during Scary Mommy’s filibuster-of-the-day is unthinkable to DH.
Sadly, this points back to you (Dorker) more than it should. Why? Because emotionally stunted/blunted people like DH are incapable of understanding the personal investment that others make to make THEIR lives better. They blindly take for granted that that’s just how it is. And when a giver stops giving, people like DH feel disproportionately threatened.
What DH thought were his strong boundaries was actually him cashing in on Dorker’s weaker boundaries. Well, no more. And DH is at loose ends.
DH understands intellectually why you resigned from enabling MIL’s double-helix of wants and needs. He truly does. But when it’s time to live the new dynamic, DH freezes up or lashes out.
Stay strong, Dorker. This will be a tough row to hoe. At least for a while. Sounds cliche but remember: It’s Not Your Problem.
(Would DH consider seeing a therapist?)
This .. I suppose, as he imparted .. prompted by SIL having told him that when she left, MIL was in tears, crying.
First off ... he responded to word from SIL? Shock!
But nonetheless, my response to that: "She was crying?! I thought that's what she wanted ... she could've been on that plane with SIL going home with her.".
DH: "I know, she's a mess .. she's scared. This'll be the test, we'll see how she does".
Turns out he did call his mom yesterday .. I suppose during his work day .. and twice. First time, I guess, sounds like at or about the time SIL departed and her in tears .. and then later, to check and see if the tears were gone, (they were gone). Said when he called her the 2nd time, she was actually enjoying the quiet of the home, to herself.
It's actually not a huge surprise that he reached out to his mom .. that's not all that unusual .. when SIL leaves .. a flurry of concern .. and attention .. as she's left to her own. It's when he is then busy .. and life gets in the way .. and the bother of being called to the Mr. Fixit .. and then the drama that ensues, that he has little time/patience for, is when it begins to wane .. his checking in with his mom.
He has an alarm set up on his phone .. to call his mom (or he did .. he has just gotten a new phone and SIL was here .. and so I doubt he even remembers that he used to try to do that). He used to .. the phone would alarm him about lunch time, .. and he would try to just do a brief check in with her, at lunch time .. but he wasn't always consistent . it kinda depended on what he was in the middle of.
I have no idea if SIL got his ear before she left town. I know when she and I sat down to talk, she expressed some grief about the fact that DH is so absent as part of MIL's life (DH would beg to differ on that point). I didn't argue the finer points with her, told her that she'd need to take that up with him. She expressed that she hates to do it, because she knows how busy he stays .. but that she just felt she might need to say something to him .. and urge that he maybe do better at being in touch with MIL.
I only responded to that, "I wish you would .. that's up to you . ... I've tried to do so, but I've quit nagging him on that front .. I have enough to nag him about .. he hasn't been able to *hear it* when I say it, maybe he will if you say it".
She never said whether she did or didn't .. and he hasn't mentioned it. Doesn't matter. I'm not going to nag him .. if his sister approached that topic and got his attention better than I've been able to achieve. Hooray, all for it.
If she chose to hop on that plane and return home sans any word with her brother (which would be about typical) ...... so be it.
In talking with DH this morning I was telling him how the women's meeting at church had gone the other day, more to the point, the two women in question that run the ministry of helping the elderly .. and that they are both chomping at the bitt to get to the scene of trying to help on this front, talked to me about it (he's aware, they do the same thing with him). I told him that M (one of the women) had mentioned to me, while there, .. "Do you think maybe if you brought H's mom to the next meeting .. maybe we could all show her we aren't so scary and she could enjoy our luncheon .. and that'd be a good way for us to open the door to helping her". Told DH this had been said. I said to DH: "I didn't want to say it to M .. she wouldn't understand, it would hurt her feelings .. but MIL resents our church .. she's not gonna come one step into the doors of our church .. her feeling is that the church and all it's need pulls him away from being attentive to her and her needs, but I couldn't say that to M... she wouldn't understand that .. I did tell her that she has gotten so mean and cantankerous in her old age .. she will likely say some things about H that are unkind .. and so forth and that M had responded, oh that's alright .. that's how old people get .. we know and love H .. we know what he's about .. don't let that bother you guys .. just work on getting her to let us help her, you guys can't do it all, it's too much".
Imparted the above conversation to him.
His words in response: "yes .. I don't even talk to mom about the church anymore, she resents it .. and if it even comes up I change the subject .. ya know .. I have a life I want to live too, and part of that is serving my needy church .. not enough people there to serve all the need and so I've been an integral part of holding that church together and it's what I wanted to do .. it's coming together now .. now that we've finally hired a pastor .. it's all coming together better .. but I have my life to live too and my wants with my energies and efforts. I almost hate sending M and L into that situation because she's gonna sing her blues to them that I'm not attentive enough to her, because I'm always at that church .. "
I said to him: "well is she agreeable at this point ... does she say anymore about trying to engage that ministry into some help for her?".
He said: "Well .. she thinks she's lost you .. she is on the page that she thinks you're just gone .. and so .. she kinda realizes that she needs help .. and so .. we're working on it".
Me: "I do intend to get with her, and sit down and talk to her .. but DH if it means she will negate any help from the church in my stepping back in .. you need to know and she will be told also .. I'm engaging in some really tight boundaries here going forward .. one morning a week, that's it .. I'll go visit with her, take her things .. run errands .. whatever, but that's it .. I'm not gonna be swallowed up by her need ...... she needs to ALSO engage that ministry if she will".
He said: "We're working on it, we're trying to get her to do that".
Went on to tell him that I will be sitting down to talk with her, but that if she starts down the road of drama with her whole "now this is not me, .. ", or the "now I will manage" .. I have no tolerance for any of that. I"m not gonna be rude .. or ugly about it or argue with her, I'll change the subject and move on, but just like you .. you admit you have little patience for it .. I'm on that same page.
He just thanked me for at least trying to reach out and see where we can go from here.
I was pleased to learn that he'd reached out to her yesterday. Though, truthfully, the flurry of when SIL leaves .. that's really not all that astounding. It's the long haul where the thing falls off the cliff.
Relax girlfriend. It's going to go fine. Don't worry so much. She's probably going to be happy to just see you. I bet she misses you and will behave. I have high hopes. Good luck Sweetheart!
15 years Dorker! YOUVE been the go-fer for 15 years, doing your assigned errands.
1. You'll do what MIL ( not SIL) requests, if it can fit into a 4 hour, once a week window.
2. Texts from SIL get responded to with " please contact your brother about this, it's beyond the scope of my responsibility".
3. Emergencies result in a call to 911.
And YOU don't show up at the ER. If ER calls you " she has no one at home to care for her. I can't come, I'm at home with a sick 4 year old and infant twins. Here's her son's cell phone number".
Decide when you will contact her for your cheerful visit. My therapist, when i was dealing with setting boundaries with my mom, had me role play both the "normal" interaction - the quagmire of drama and hurt feelings etc that would swirl and swirl vs the non-engagement option. "i'm sorry you feel that way, i'll talk with you when you are calmer. Love you, bye" exit. It sounds like you are doing that in your head and on this forum so that you can manage the first conversation politely and cheerfully without getting drawn into MIL drama Act 1 Scene 1 - Reconciliation Scene - DIL tearfully apologizes to long-suffering MIL after which MIL graciously forgives sobbing DIL, patting her on the head "there, there".
I think you are wise to just leave DH be. SIL going back to IL is setting boundaries "i'm done for now", you have set boundaries "one morning per week" and he is too: "no Mr Fixx-It". Now it is up to MIL to manage and we'll all wait for the medical emergency that will result from it and subsequent hard decisions to be made.
Dorker - do be careful not to waste energy on things that just don't need to be said. What's true is true, whether or not MIL acknowledges it. All the issues around her "managing" (or not); all the fun and games that went on with hospital admissions and appointments and blah blah blah... It's all water under the bridge. Doesn't matter any more. Leave it be.
And if, God forbid, she says anything about DH having told her you told him she was a big waste of your time... ha! Sorry, gotta laugh at that, funniest thing I've pictured all day... Well. If she does bring it up, just look incredulous and say: "that is *not* what I said." Which is true. That is not what you said, or thought, or felt.
P.S. It *is* what DH heard. But that's all about his listening skills, it still isn't what you said.
And why would I go visit here, if DH doesn't.
DH has been there a couple of times in the past couple of weeks .. he does go when there is a fix it project and there were two in the last couple of weeks .. and he did go.
One of those visits .. is where it was brought to light .. between he and MIL . I suppose in conversation .. that she so struggles with the hurt she felt at the sheltering here during the hurricane and btw .. where has Dorker gone .. she never comes over anymore, never calls .. what have I done .. what's wrong .. why don't we see her anymore.
DH in explanation .. I suppose (so it's imparted to me anyway) .. "Mom Dorker has kinda washed her hands of it all ... ya know .. you did waste her time a lot .. having her haul you to doctors and them rx meds you wouldn't take .. and then she's having to haul you back to the doc again for the same malady and you not following instructions .. she just kinda felt like, why am I wasting my time here".
Said she had kind of an open gaping mouth deer in the head lights look.
In answer to the hurricane thing .. "I don't know what it is Dorker did that so offended you .. you'll have to talk to her about that".
Then DH comes home from there, . remember the blow out between he and I that occurred over this .. initially.
Him asking do I hate his mom now .. do I just hate her .. and want not a damn thing to do with her, and of course the blow up that ensued behind that, between he and I.
My expressing to him that no, I don't hate anyone .. that I am frustrated and angry at her, at him at his sister at their absolute refusal to address the fact that she has more needs than I can meet .. I'm mad .. I don't hate anyone .. you know that DH.
Him then thundering at me, .... "well it's like for you, short of a nursing home .. it's gotta be your way or the highway .. nothing else will do".
Me then answering back: "I have never said that ... I have asked that we deploy add'l help . and that gets refused in every corner, you can't answer to the need .. you don't".
Him thundering back: "I'm working for a damn living here .. you like having a roof over your head don't you". "I go .. she needs me there .. I go .. I do the best I can".
Me thundering back, .. "And I did too, DH .. for 15 damn years.......... when it got to be more than I can see to, as any rational adult would do, I presented that fact to all involved and sought help .. and it was refused .. and the dial kept swinging back to me, as SIL waltzes back to her life in IL .. and you waltz back to yours in your work and church .. and it swings back to me, to address it and step to it. I'm angry .. I don't hate anyone".
All of the above culminating in a calmer tone . one that then imparted "well she misses you, you know she loves you like a daughter, always has .. and it sounds like she is now realizing .. and coming to terms with the fact she needs more help .. SIL is now talking to a HHC .. and we may be getting them involved .. and she is in touch with the neighbor and her MOW drivers and seeking some help there, .. so it sounds like she is reaching out and realizing at this point. She misses you, and she's just struggling to try to understand what's happened here, where did you go, what did she do wrong .. she always enjoyed your company and you're just gone .. and she doesn't understand it .. and the hurricane .. she feels hurt by what shes says was some demeanor from you that made her feel unwelcome here .. you need to talk to her .. you need to go talk to her .. apologize .. don't apologize .. I don't care .. I was here, I know what went on .. you didn't want her here .. you didn't .. and I get it, I understand it ... hell I didn't want her here .. she needs to be in IL with sister .. but that's not gonna happen ... you just .. you need to talk to her, I don't care if you aplogize, that's on you".
So the "why bother going to see her, he doesn't". There ya have it.
Question here -- if H isn't going to bother and see his own mother, then why on earth should you go for a visit? You are never going to be the step-and-fetchit everyone wants, so, really, what's the point? You will certainly see her on the one morning/week you have agreed to give her, so why give her the chance to recite her litany of complaints?
And no DH didn't go see his mom. Also, somewhat of an optimist I suppose, I'd hoped he'd get in and at least give his mom a call, now that she is flying solo. But he didn't even get in from work until almost 9 PM .. had a late start because of his own doc appt yesterday morning and some other minutia that delayed the start of his day. He literally ate dinner, showered and went on to bed, no phone call to MIL.
Maybe today .. maybe not. Who knows.
And yes this hurricane hurt feelings thing .. initially reported to me by DD, who had little info as to what was the source of this hurt, or how. Then by DH .. also reporting same, and then ultimately SIL.
And yes, it's every bit my intention to breeze in there, almost giddy .. and just happy to be alive .. and to not fall into the pits of despair and woe with me that she will want to go to, divert/duck and dodge that line of demeanor .. is my hope.
I can tell you that she most certainly will want to hang onto the .. first thing .. "where have I been" .. and I will skirt that with the whole .. "I told you I'd be diverted by the g'babies and so forth .. and then I had thus and so", . .. and from there divert to how nice the b'yard is looking and look at poochy, looks so well groomed, you must've just gotten him to the groomer, he looks so handsome .. and look at you .. wow ... you look so great .. you've done so well coming back from that injury.
That will then spark some conversation from her, .. offloading on the experience that was her fight back from that injury. She will hear some praise from me, .. on that topic as to how hard I know that must've been, and what a fighter she is, to have the stamina to do so.
And I'll then present to her what is my intention going forward as to engaging in any part of her life, one morning a week.
That will then .. I'm telling ya .. because she's gonna want to hang onto that .. and belabor it .. and wring hands over it .. that will then prompt from her, more of the above, "well I just don't know .. I have studied it and pondered, where did you you .. you know you were always such an important part of my life and so valued .. I hope you know how much we appreciate all that you did for us .. and I just couldn't figure where you went .. you just .. you were just not around anymore".
She will go there, most certainly and it will be my charge to keep duck/dodge/divert in place in it all.
Oh I could go there, but I'm not going to .. and then find myself at the other end of the drama drip that she wants to then lay out .. of how she tries so hard .. she knows she has to do all she can to manage (when I know she does not do that). I could if I so choose, lay out all the nuts and bolts and sort thru all the varying grievances of why things have turned in this direction. I have no intention of doing that. I don't want the drama that will play out behind that dialogue. Thus, duck/dodge/divert ..
Let's look at about how that would go, if I'd begin to just try to stick my toe into the waters of the reasons/basis for why I exited.
Me: Well MIL let's talk about that, .. I know you probably remember, .. you were in your bed .. and I was over on the wicker sofa ... you were convalescing at that point from having been sick .. and I mentioned to you, going forward .. with all the complications in DD's pregnancy and my having to take L off her hands quite a bit and help her, and further with the impending birth of the twins and my need to be on that front more, that things were going to turn .. and that we'd need to be sure that maybe we get some 3rd parties involved here, to help support her and her needs, that I wouldn't be able to be as attentive, going forward. You remember that MIL?
MIL: "well no .. I really don't, but go on ... ".
ME: "your answer to that .. I had suggested that folks from our church have a ministry where they help people in need like you, elderly and in need of transport to doctors, and so forth .. and we could connect with them, if she'd like, that your neighbors have all offered to help in some way ..maybe we begin to look at how we can engage some others in all this, to help ......... and your answer to that ... you said, .. now don't you all send your church people here, .. I won't answer the door, .. I will be fine here, I will manage .. and don't you all bother my neighbors .. I know what I need to do here and I will do it, I will manage, you all don't be sending anyone this way. That was your answer. I even asked you, at that point .. you convalescing from having been sick and in need of supplies to be brought to you, and a trip to the ER for IV fluids and so forth, I even cited that as example, what will you do in the event you get sick again and I'm over there with new babies and DD .. and can't come ... your answer, was that you'll manage .. don't bother your neighbors and that if I send those church people you aren't going to answer the door .. don't send those church people, you'll manage .. you know what to do.
You didn't in fact "manage" MIL .. you ended up within a month or so of that, hospitalized because of a UTI .. and summoning DH numerous times before that, to come to you, as you didn't feel right and had become disoriented and couldn't figure out how a car key worked, and what it was for, . and a tv remote .. and so forth .. and the home phone .. ringing .. and you not knowing what to do with a ringing phone . disoriented .. hospitalized .. you weren't "managing".
I had gone even, to your son and your daughter, prior to the above fallout .. begging both of them to appeal to you, that we need to engage extra help in it all ... but their answers varied between .. husband's answer, we'll all just do the best we can .. and your daughter's answer .. I know she's just so stubborn. Each corner I went to, to try to engage add'l help to support your situation .. met a brick wall MIL. Your refusal to even compromise and talk thru what I was seeing as add'l help needed .... and yet you ended up hospitalized and then I did have to leave the front with the new babies and DD to attend to and house your dog .. and then visit the hospital to try to be the front-man on the info there, to report to SIL .. who was now going to be flying in to help you convalesce again .. DH can't do it, he's working .. you'd refused the help of any add'l neighbors .. or church folks .. Do you remember any of this MIL?
**MIL now off to the races with the drama that I shouldn't of even opened the door to entertain conversation on****
MIL: Well yes I remember that time that I had gotten so disoriented and then ended up in that damn hospital.......you know that was just a horrible time .. you can't imagine how frightening that is to realize that you don't even know what a car key is for or how to use it .. or the tv remote and the phone ringing .. and you can hear it, see it, but what do you do with it, and I just .. I couldn't even imagine what was wrong with me, ... I knew something was dreadfully wrong .. that I can't be right .. something has gone horribly wrong that my mind isn't working right ..
***I now interrupt****
MIL: Let me redirect you here to what was said previously about needing add'l help in what it is to support your situation here .. let's focus on that momentarily .. I'm sure that did have to be pretty terrifying for you .. but let's focus on the other aspect of this .. within a month or two of my reaching out to try to engage add'l help and that being refused, do you not see where this thing landed and how that impacted my world .. even though I'd tried to get the thing directed to where there is add'l help in it all, can you see how the fallout of the above impacted my world also .. the very person who had tried .. repeatedly to get add'l help engaged in it all .. can you look at that piece of it.
***now hear comes the drama locomotive that is going to mow you over***
As she non points he aged crooked arthritic finger at me .. and cites the following
MIL: You know .. it's hell getting old .. I so try to manage on my own .. and you .. if you live long enough, you will know one day how this feels .. this is not what I'm' about .. all this ailment stuff and not feeling well .. this is not me .. this is not who I am .. I so want to get to where I can do the things I want to do, take my little dog for walks .. go and do things for myself .. you don't know how it is to get old, but if you live long enough, you will one day see .. I just so fiercely want to be independent and not have to depend on others to help me .. I want to get back to being healthier and I work so hard to try to do that .. you haven't gotten old, but you will one day you will".
ME: "Again MIL .. let's re-focus here .. you asked me where did I go, and why ... do you see the above as a little slice of why I threw up my hands .. can you acknowledge and recognize in that .. that I was spoken for on a lot of fronts .. and my time and energies have to be placed where it's useful .. and that you had assured all that you will manage .. but in fact .. you didn't did you . you needed a lot of support .. in fact, SIL then having to return here .. to nurse you back to health .. at that point, can you see that in what I'm describing".
**as she now sits possibly even with a tear in her eye***
MIL: "Well you don't know what it is to get old, but you will .. one day you will and I hope that you have someone in your life that will be able to help you .. it's not easy .. I do the very best that I can .........
***on and on it goes, thus I have no intention of even cracking that door open an inch***
No ability or willingness on her part, to see/recognize/acknowledge the impact of her excessive need on others. And address it. It's pointless to even crack open the door to the slightest bit of light on the topic. Duck/dodge/divert.
No, just go in there breezing in as DH does .. and light and airy .. and giddy almost .. and happy she's alive, happy her dog looks great, .. she looks great .. and keep it light.
Let's look at how it might play out if I crack open the door to the light to look at the hurricane and yes, she will most definitely bring that up .. as I've heard it from all 3 of them .. DD, DH, and SIL. She is going to go there.
MIL: "I'd like to talk to you about that time I stayed at your house, that hurricane that came through .. I'm sure you've probably heard it from some of the others, I've told them about it. Dorker, I don't know .. I have studied to try to figure out what in the world .. you were just .. you made me feel like I wasn't wanted there .. you made me feel uncomfortable, I was truly hurt .. that hurt me so deeply .. you know we've always thought the world of you and you've always been so kind and so caring .. and that's .. that's just not at all what I experienced there, staying at your home ... you weren't there .. you were running off all the time .. and when you were there, you went outside a lot .. you really .. you weren't very helpful at all, .. you just kinda made it pretty obvious you didn't want me there .. and you know .. I just have tried to struggle to understand what that must've been about".
ME: "Well MIL .. in all honesty .. I'm struggling to understand myself how it was problematic for you .. I mean .. by then I'd been told in every corner that you will manage .. that you're fine ... I had even .. if you remember, I'd secured a plane ticket for you, to get you to safety in IL in case it got bad enough we'd need to evacuate here .. and explained to you the reasons why I thought it not viable that you sit in gridlock traffic as we may have to do .. in the event of evacuation .. and that trying to secure a hotel room that's ADA and one that will accommodate pets .. when those aren't needs we'd have to address if it's just us .. I tried to explain all that to you .. do you remember, and you resisted the whole plane flight out of here .. and that you didn't need to shelter anywhere, you'd stay right there, right by yourself, .. which .. as you're aware isn't something your grown kids would find suitable .. not by any stretch .. let's look at the under pinnings of some of the situation to try to understand where I was at that time ... first off let's reflect back on the fact that I'd tried my hardest to get everyone to see that you do indeed need add'l help to support your needs .. but to no avail .. although we saw that indeed you do need help .. as evidenced by your hospitalization and SIl then flying in to help you rehab back to health from that .. and now we have a hurricane bearing down on us and so there may be need to evacuate .. we don't know yet .. but .. if we do .. we'd for sure, .. look at the tv news, we'd' be sitting in hours of traffic .. parking lots on the freeways trying to get anywhere .. and you with a dog .. and yourself with edema issues and Lasix meds and you can't sit in gridlock traffic for hours .. I said as much .. and it would take HOURS .. because as you're aware hotels book up for hundreds of miles .. and we'd sheltered you here the year before if you remember, .. it's no picnic .. there's no a/c .. there's no power, it's loud with that generator running constantly .. windows open .. it's dark .. unless you can hold a flashlight .. you can't .. you're doing all you can to just stay upright .. and not fall, over outstretched cords in every direction .. your dog .. you can't manage with the step it takes to get outdoors to let him out .. .and back into the house, up the step ..
Once again MIL .. ya know, it's no secret ... I've tried to encourage that you go, at least spend some time in IL with your daughter, .. she who worries so over your well being .. and is more than willing to have you in her home to help look after you .. has said so .. a million times .. and in fact, that it would be easier on her, to do so .. from her home .. but you have refused . and stated you will NEVER go there .. to be one more thing she has to look after. You have refused any add'l help to support your needs .. and here we are .. yet again .. a situation that needs our support for your needs .. even though you've assured, you'll manage .. you'll be fine .. you won't go to IL and spend any time with your daughter, in fact, refusing that flight out of here ahead of that storm .. even if temporary .. even explaining to you the reasons that would be a prudent choice at this point .. .and your answer to that was that we should just leave you be .. and you'll be fine .. that you've weathered storms all your life and power loss .. do you remember all this and my having told you, you weren't always 87 years old with mobility issues .. to weather these storms, do you remember all this dialogue?
***SIGH . .now open the door to the drama****
MIL: Well .. yes I do remember that .. I remember that you called me and told me that you've got a plane fare reserved and I just thought that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard .. you don't know what it is to be my age, with my limitations and to be told that I have to be ready to be on a plane the next day out of here....
Me interrupting...
ME: Do you remember MIL that both DH and I said we would come and help you to get packed with the things you need, we'd get you to the airport and get a skycap to get you to the plane in a wheelchair .. and stay with you until it departs and that SIL was aware .. and would meet you on the other end, with a skycap .. and a wheelchair .. and so we'd help you, do you remember all that .. and that we'd take your dog . so that you wouldn't have to figure out what to do with your dog, do you remember all this
MIL: "Well yes .. but I can't leave my dog, you know that .. he's my baby .. you all know that about me, for you guys to think that I could even entertain the notion of getting o a plane to be out of here .. and with no notice like that .. and to leave my dog behind .. I'm just not going to do that .. I have weathered storms all my years and I've been just fine ..
ME: Well you asked, why I would have been so aloof and so distant and so seemingly uncaring ... if you will look at the above .. and the events that preceded all that .. in my trying to get everyone's attention to the fact you need more support and all to a brick wall ... you will see ........... I was/am angry ...... I am angry with you, with your daughter, with your son .. and each and every one of you and the absolute refusal to compromise in any of it .. and that dial swinging in my direction continually as to the support you need .. angry .. as I try to manage my life and my wants for my daily existence and the impact of how that falls on me .. if you would look at it form that prism MIL.
And let's not forget MIL how many times I'd been told by all involved at that point, that you will manage .. we'll all do the best we can .. that you're just so stubborn .. so my feeling was .. well then let her manage ... I don't need to be here to hold her hand and be her handmaiden .. that's where I was with it all, .. coupled with the fact that I do not do well with the loss of creature comforts and wind howling outside threatening tornadoes to rip your roof off of your home at any moment .. and the knowledge that now I will have to secure suitable housing somewhere for myself as I sort thru all that .. but not only for myself .. but for you . .and your dog .. oh but you will manage .. you will be fine. Angry ....
MIL: "boy you really don't do well with it all .. you worry too much .. I've weathered these things all my life .. and I will be fine .. you know I told all of them, I will never be subject to that again .. I will never come to your house again and be subject to that kinda treatment .. I was just .. I have so struggled to try to understand why things were that way .. and it so deeply hurt me.
ME: "Well you heard my explanation for why things are the way they were .. whether you want to absorb that and look at it for what it is .. is on you.
MIL: Well I tell ya .. like I said before . if you live long enough .. you will know one day what it is to be old and feel the way I do .. and not have to depend on others .. I so want to just get to where I can do the things I want to do, take my little dog for walks, and get out and do things that I want to do .. that's what my goal always is ... and you know we all have to have goals .. otherwise why are we even here .. you know, I struggle so to do all that I can to keep myself healthy and to not fall .. you know I musn't fall .. and I do all that I can .......
YADDA YADDA YADDA
No ability to look at and examine her ownership of any of it. No point in going there, at all.
The above, if I even entertain the notion of allowing her a platform .. and explaining myself is a synopsis of what it will look like. Nope. Duck/dodge/divert.
Nope. I'll go in there light/airy and make nicey nice about how good she looks, .. how well she's done fighting back from injury .. how nice her dog looks, her yard .. and that I understand she's now got some irons in the fire as to some folks to help her with things and present my part in what that might look like, and change the subject divert, etc .. as she tries to belabor the above. Most certainly.
.........and then .. I have figured out how to set my phone to buzz a timer .. as well as I can even text myself on delay .. and I will have that set up to buzz at about 15 mins .. and then again at about 25 mins .. all with begging off that I really must run now ..
It's really, in the end, not going to be .. for her .. fruitful and at all putting to bed what is in front of her as unresolved.
Short of my coming on bended knee and resolved to beg forgiveness for my wicked ways .. she will be left frustrated and with unfinished business ....
But so be it. So am I.
I am trying to walk a balance here of being a small part of participation in her life .. (very small) and in that .. the hope of continual unity in a family I care about .. and not have the dial swing in my direction with accusations of uncaring and heartless and so forth .. but also .. not climb the slippery slope of being swallowed up into the incessant need that's created in her existence there alone in her home. And balance the above with not having to be subject to the never ending drama drip of it all.
It's painfully obvious to me, and has been for quite some time, she has a real lack of self awareness and even more so a lack of awareness as to others and their worlds and wants and needs .. she doesn't seem able to process that.
Her son .. so detached .. doesn't recognize it .. her daughter .. so enmeshed she enables it .. and me .. caught in the maelstrom of it all.
I am walking a fine line of trying to appear to support this hellish set up they seem to think suitable and not be the malcontent in it all .. yet .. also not be so enmeshed in it myself that I end up swallowed up by it all, as I once was .. and subject to the drama that plays out in it all.
Talk about gardening, or how cute the dog is, or what the world's coming to. The whole point of the exercise is to give the lady a change of subject from her aches and pains and worries. It'll be fine - heck, it could even be fun!
Now MIL back to flying solo again.
I personally don’t think MIL will want to rehash the hurricane episode - SIL brought this to your attention, yes? It’s simply another issue for SIL to have to control thus be involved in micromanagement. Sure, talk it out with MIL. React to what she recalls about the episode. And if fine, IF her ending statement continues to be “well, I decided under no circumstances will I be put in such an uncomfortable position and will never set foot in your house again”, then acknowledge that and move on. All the while outside MIL’s little world back then, the area was under evacuation, conditions horrible for many, etc. Not for MIL - you’ve seen to that. If MIL refuses to ever go back to your home, so be it. You are not recinding her access to your home- MIL is.
How many texts from SIL have you had so far since the return to IL? I hope they got home without any problems.
So....it’s MIL 1st day back to solo operations.
DH going to visit his mother today? (trying not to be cynical plus I am an optimist lol).
Dorker, enjoy your day!
I already have that mapped out in my mind .. not going there with her, to argue the finer points of what I did and didn't do to follow at her coat-tail to be of service to her (and she's right, I most certainly didn't).
She will get that blank stare that lets you know what you just said isn't really being comprehended and almost beffudlement on my part, followed by the words, "yea .. it's really gonna be best that you guys have that planned out that you'll be in IL next time",
........and then BOOM ...........change the subject AGAIN.
She's not gonna get me on that turf.
Yes, I readily admit I was aloof and distant .. guilty as H3&L ...... I was. I wasn't overtly rude unless you consider the above to be rude. I didn't go out of my way to insult her or anyone else, ever. I was just "aloof" and "distant". And gone, a lot, seeking refuge in my car that I could get a/c .. and usually get to somewhere with wi-fi.
This, juxtaposed against the former Dorker .. who hadn't yet reached the conclusion that no one cares what I think about this whole set up .. just shut up and keep steppin and fetchin. The former Dorker, when housing/sheltering MIL .. felt sorry for her in the set up that is the aftermath of such settings. Trying to traverse around the house with her limited mobility issues and cords outstretched in every direction and a loud generator running, windows open/hot/humid .. and no way to even see to fix yourself a sandwich .. unless you hold a flashlight .. or carry a battery operated lantern around with you (she's ill equipped to carry anything .. she does all she can to stay upright).
The former Dorker was in fact, fixing b'fast in the morning, .. maybe nothing more than some chopped fruit and a bowl of cereal .. and a glass of juice .. but it would be prepared and sat at the table for her, as well as assistance to get from point A to B, to get said b'fast. Same with lunch .. a simple sandwich and some fruit/chips .. something to drink, .. served for her, at the table, and assistance to get to the table .. all while also dealing with her dog .. that she struggles to deal with here, .. because there is a step to get down, to get to the outside to let the dog out .. and a step back up to re-enter the home. Then, same with dinner, open a can of whatever it is I've stockpiled, ... heat it on the campstove outdoors, serve it, set it at the table for her, complete with drink .. and so forth. This was the former Dorker .. helping in any way possible, this poor elderly woman who has been offset from her home.
The reformed Dorker did none of the above.
The reformed Dorker, was gone .. quite a bit .. admit it, . not sorry.
When the reformed Dorker was present .. she was generally outside where at least there was more ventilation .. to try to not roast from the heat/humidity (I readily admit I don't do heat and humdity real well, this is well known about me). In fact, when I finally did vacate to go to DD's house (DD had evacuated to another state and so her home was vacant) .. I did go over there, once power was restored in her area (could ck these things online .. if one could get a wi-fi signal which I did do, driving away in my air conditioned car to get same). I finally packed a few things and left to go stay at DD's empty house, at least there were lights and power and a/c. And I actually had to pull the car over on the way to throw up .. that's how heat effects me. I get nauseated ..
I can remember a time eons back when I probably had a heat-stroke and ever since then, heat .. extreme heat ... makes me nauseous.
So the reformed Dorker was not "at your service" to ANYONE ......... not to DH, not to YD that lives here (she wasn't here, she was off partying with friends, for the most part) .. and most certainly not to MIL . who, by then, I'd been told by all involved parties .. manages .. she manages.
So my mindset was (outside of she shouldn't even be here in this state) SO MANAGE.
Thus, aloof/distant.
Guilty.
I wouldn't do it any differently if it happened again today, not one iota .. other than I would probably .. now having my mom living in another state . .head in that direction and not be here myself!
I don't plan to make that latter part an option and known to MIL .. because I want the option to remain in my own home, depending on the variables of how threatening a storm might look, if one is approaching and if the chance should come again and her utter the words, "Well I thought you said you would be gone to your mom's". I think I would come unhinged. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO IL!!!!".
So better that latter option .. be kept close to the vest. And I intend to keep it, close to the vest.
So that is the sum of what I did that was considered "rude" or "distant/aloof".
Oh that and having .. apparently cranked on the a/c once power was restored here and freezing her.
So no, I don't intend in any way to get into a tit for tat with her over what I did or didn't do that made her feel unwelcome. She's entitled to feel how she wants to, just as I am. There will be no meeting of the minds on it all, .. no need to even go there in attempt to justify and explain myself ..
She will just get the divert and duck and dodge method of conversation and no more. And as I said, if she persists, . then that blank stare that lets the person watching know, their words aren't being comprehended .. followed by "uhm yea, I think it's best that you guys see to that plan that you are safely in IL next time", and then change the subject.
And if she persists beyond that, I think I will engage with a "Gee, I thought we'd done you a favor, .. by bringing you and poochy to our house .. guess my hospitality isn't suitable .. even more reason for you to be in IL with your daughter in the event of such an occurrence again".