Hey folks, welcome to the new whine/general topic thread. Feel free to use this thread to discuss anything that is on your mind. Caregiving- related stuff, life after a loved one's death, your own emotional wellbeing. Whatever..........anything on your mind.
I do think there are times where "yours, mine and ours" works best, but that is not always the case.
Sympathies, send. That's difficult.
Apparently, Rep-Payee only covers Social Security Income.
Spouse feels all the rest is HIS to splurge, and kept a secret from me.
This is not acceptable, at least to me. He has crossed a fine line of entitlement and betrayal. However, he does this once a year in November and December.
If the contempt continues, this will be the deal breaker.
Can the two of you talk sensibly about holiday spending?
We have no designated holiday spending, and no longer send gifts for many years now. Counselors have mentioned that after rent, utilities, and groceries for the disabled income, there is very little left over. Yet, he doesn't get it, acts entitled.
But I have a lock on the accounts, and will beef up security.
If he continues to act like the enemy, he will be treated like the enemy.
I pray for my enemies, so he should look out.
Even funnier (to me at least) is that I only now realized my nephew #2 and I have mirror birthday dates!
But to get to my real birthday you'll have to write the date as day, month, year . The day should be obvious😜, but for security purposes I'm not giving away the month 🤪 (lol)
Hope you have a long time to enjoy life before you have to put these plans in place.
Good on you for preparing. I am 83, partner is 85, and he and I both raised two girls each before we met and joined with them already grown, some 38 years ago. We have taken care of business as well and would NEVER have any hands on care from our kids. His two live close in our area, and mine out across the country with lots of visits. There is estrangement with one child of the family.
Might I ask you--you say that your children all live in your area but that not one of them "cares". If you mean that they don't care to do caregiving, amen to that; they SHOULDN'T in my opinion. But if all FOUR simply don't CARE there is a history that dictates reasons for that. I am wondering not so much what those reasons are, as being estranged from a child I know they would make a book of some length. But I am wondering if there is a chance/a choice for some loving connection of some kind, and a sharing of lives. Our children grow up. They have their own friends, their own opinions, their own lives, and that is as it should be, but it is surprising to hear you have four in your area with not a one interested in connection.
Good on you for making plans, but I have one more suggestion. If you don't have family, then what about friends. Because there comes a time you need some help. Not a LOT. But some. And if you can hire that in that is good. But you mention the good old demise in the home. It happens more than you know. And for my brother, when he lived alone in Palm Springs, he had friends once in 80s where they called one another daily. Toward the end once in a.m. and once in p.m. It really is a good thing. Because that can come down to wellness checks.
Boy that Swedish Cleaning thing! End of life prep is one big subject for sure. Wish we had a whole column about it, because what's for dinner in my case is often pretty boring at this point, hee hee. And repetitive. It's Trader Joe homemade pizza again tonight!
Planning for your own older ages is a good idea, but family relationships matter too. For example, you haven’t mentioned a POA as part of your planning, and a trusted child is a usual choice.
I am having trouble finding resources and grants for a stair lift chair. Can anyone advise?
your integrity, or your relationships with others.
I'm 31yo, and I live with my mother and older brother, and most recently my 95yo grandmother. She was diagnosed with heart failure seven months ago, and been living with us for four. She'd been living with my uncle and his wife for a while, but they kept leaving her alone all the time and getting into fights with her, so we set her up at a senior living facility for about a year until she got to the point she needed 24/7 care.
We turned my office/cat room into her bedroom, swapping out a lot of our furniture for hers so she could have her things. I work from home most days of the week, which I now have to do at the dining room table. Mom is the primary caretaker, but she works during the day; I tag in to do the bulk of the caregiving during the middle of the day. My brother helps a little, but he really doesn't do much, and its hard not to resent him for that. He's autistic, he works during the day, and he just started college in the evenings to get a better degree, but I still get frustrated he's not helping more with her.
We weren't expecting this to go on this long... it was "unlikely" she'd last six months seven months ago. Hospice just got renewed and there's no sign of an end. We had a lot of patience at the start, but then the holidays happened. Grandmother's very particular, she wants things Just So, and she got particularly demanding during December. Not to mention relatives being inconsiderate and causing problems and not helping out.
I haven't been sleeping well. My room is right across from hers, and I'm constantly listening out for her if she needs something in the middle of the night. She talks very loudly when she and mom get up in the morning. She went to the kitchen in the middle of the night the other day and broke a glass. I was still awake, the light was on. Now what could have been a quick trip to get her some water became me cleaning up shards of glass in the middle of the night. She told me she didn't want to burden us, but it's hard to take that seriously when she's so fussy about her other demands - her warm delicious microwave pot pie isn't good enough because it's not browned on top, the freshly cooked food wasn't good enough because the plate hadn't been warmed up, her morning bacon isn't good enough because it's not Oscar Meyer. She made me remove all of my cookbooks from the kitchen because she only wanted to see her cookbooks there. She is supposedly a cat person, but she's really critical of my kitten, who is a VERY good cat for her age. I tried getting her to teach me family recipes, and now she tells everyone I don't know the difference between a spatula and a ladle like I'm stupid or something.
The interrupted sleep isn't helping. On days where I slept poorly, which is most of them, I hardly have any patience anymore. I feel fragile and unhappy so much of the time. I feel awful for just wanting it to be over, because "over" means "dead." There's no happy ending here. I know mom's feeling the same way because she tells me about it. I don't know how to support her and me.
We've got a respite planned next month. It can't come soon enough. Nothing "bad" even happened today and I'm having a little cry anyway. I just feel awful.
This is too hard for all of you to sustain for much longer and care will only get more demanding as your grandmother declines. Does she have any funds for aides to help you or for a facility? Check with your local Agency for Aging to see what options she has.
Take care of you - this has to work for the caregivers, not just the person needing care.
not knowing is stressful. but soon you’ll know the results, and then you’ll know what to do.