Hey folks, welcome to the new whine/general topic thread. Feel free to use this thread to discuss anything that is on your mind. Caregiving- related stuff, life after a loved one's death, your own emotional wellbeing. Whatever..........anything on your mind.
My therapist told me something similar before. “Take your power back! Don’t give your power away. Remove toxic people from your life. Don’t allow anyone to steal your joy.”
It’s true. Your brother isn’t a part of your life. My brothers aren’t part of mine.
Hey, they screwed up! Not us. They brought their problems on themselves. If someone mistreats us, they made the wrong choice. It doesn’t mean we have to put up with their foolishness.
Karma! He will get egged in one way or another, right? It’s not that I purposely wish anyone any harm. It’s part of life. If not in this life, there is judgment in the afterlife.
I do pray that others will be forgiven and shown mercy. That took a long time for me to reach that point and sometimes it takes suffering on their end to show any remorse and ask for forgiveness.
You and I definitely don’t fall for their bait! People who constantly bully others are unstable and insecure. That isn’t an off day. Everyone has off days. Their whole lives are off!
Here we have a Victim Unit and they won't give me a Person Protection Order PPO because he hasn't beat me up or threaten me.
I just feel like he is abusing me (in a way) and is getting a way with it again.
I wouldn't egg his truck because that is not the answer...I know...heavy sigh!!
I do know that one day he will do something and get caught. It is just a matter of time.
Sometimes a restraining order is necessary. My daughter had to get one for an ex boyfriend. I know it’s not going to prevent an action of an unstable person but it is good in the sense of having a recorded document filed in court and it gives police permission to arrest an individual. So, yeah you have a good suggestion if it is needed down the line.
Here’s the thing though. You have to have significant proof of a real threat to get an order of protection. My daughter did. She had a great attorney as well and a wonderful judge who was extremely fair heard the case.
It was insane of him to rob a bank. There is no defending that type of action. I have had a gun pointed at my heart. I know how terrifying it is to be robbed at gunpoint.
My summer job as a teen was working at a convenience store. I got robbed. Stupid me, I completely froze when I saw the gun pointing at my heart. I couldn’t move. Not a good time to panic and freeze but I was only 18 and very scared.
I stood there like a frozen dummy until the robber said to me that if I didn’t hand over the money he would shoot me in the heart and be dead.
When I heard the word ‘dead’ I snapped out of my panicked state and then went into begging mode. Oh my God, I went from shock to pleading for my life, saying that I was only 18 and wanted a chance to live my life.
It worked, because I saw his eyes soften. I heard compassion in his voice as he said, “If you do everything that I ask I will not hurt you.”
I was too young to realize that he could be lying to me and I believed him. I suppose I was naive being as young as I was. Anyway, I gave him all of the money in the register. Then he says to me, “I said, give me all of the money!”
I was confused and said to him, “That is all of the money. Can’t you see my empty cash drawer?” He says, “I want the money underneath the floorboards.”
I completely forgot about the change we kept under there so he obviously had inside info on the store. We kept the bags of quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies there. So I gave him that.
Then he told me to lie face down on the floor and give him 15 minutes to get away. That’s when I got scared thinking oh crap, he’s going to shoot me in the back. I remember staring at the clock for 15 minutes to pass before calling the cops.
I called the police and they were there in minutes. I looked through tons of mug shots. The police were kind and said that I did the right thing by following his instructions and waiting the 15 minutes to call. They told me the same as my boss told me, “Hand over the money in a robbery. Don’t risk my life over money.” The police asked me soon afterwards to go to a line up but I couldn’t make a positive identification.
It’s a horrible fear to be robbed at gun point. I begged my brother not to commit an armed robbery. His answer to me was completely selfish. He said, “I can’t think about others. I need money.” Blew my mind! Desperate people sometimes do desperate things.
My parents were crushed. What did my mom say afterwards? “Daddy and I are going to your brother’s court hearing to show support. Do you want to join us?” I told her, “He’s your son. Do what you feel that you have to do. I am not going!”
Most criminals are not able to pull it off. They get caught and serve a sentence. My brother later regretted doing what he did. He was different when he got out. Prison changes people. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes they become worse. I was even more afraid of him when he first came out. It’s hard to explain. They are different. Later on, he mellowed. Sometimes he was tolerable. Sometimes I wanted to love him completely like I did as a very young child before his drug usage but I never completely trusted him. Like you with your brother I always had my guard up, eventually cutting him out of my life until he was in the end of life hospice facility.
What a waste, right? Our lives are a gift. I can’t imagine how it would feel to waste my life. All of us have a purpose in life. The biggest purpose is that we show love and respect for each other and contribute to our world, not to cause harm and take away from others. We do have to remove toxic people from our lives. They will drain us if we don’t.
Sorry this message is so long. It’s emotional still to this day. He died in 2013.
You’re a good person, Shell. I know this is hard for you. I know it isn’t much to offer but I hope it’s a small comfort to know I stand behind you and your feelings and actions.
Take care, Shell. Many hugs!
But how would a piece of paper protect you from your brother. He is out of control.
The story ends with everyone walking away, not throwing any
stones.
Oh Shell, "My therapist stated that I should egg my brother's truck,", that is very bad advice. That is an example of what I meant that it could turn into a civil case against you. Or even criminal!
From past therapy, I believe some therapists do not consider that some clients will take things literal, and go do it because they thought the therapist was "FOR" it or advised it even. Really, the therapist was pushing you for your thoughts, and maybe testing you if you would act violent towards your brother. You should ask the therapist to explain his "advice" to you that you go commit a crime. Check things out and ask him. I know you would not do it.
It really is unnerving to say at the least. I have a crazy dementia mother inside the house and a crazy brother outside the house.
You are not a bad or mean person because you felt relief when your brother went to jail. We all deserve to feel safe. I can't believe your brother robbed a bank that is insane!! Not judging...just can't wrap my head around it! I can't even image how you must of felt.
I too wonder if God is napping when my brother does things to me. I just can't understand how can this be part of God's plan. But I just have to do what I can and leave the rest up to the good Lord because I can not do it anymore!!
I know you get it NHWM and thank you for sharing that story about your brother. 😊
I think that is dumb advice your therapist gave you. No offense. I think if you did what he suggested your brother who sounds very unstable would take that as a sign to start a real war. No, definitely do not throw your own eggs.
I may be behind on this story but I think a restraining order is in order. Maybe you've tried this already. Maybe someone has suggested this already? I don't know Shell. It's a tricky situation.
My therapist stated that "I should egg my brother's truck, however, I should use 24 eggs vs my brother's 2 to 3 eggs." My therapist thinks this might be away for my brother to learn "if you do this (whatever it may be) then this is what happens." My brother loves his truck and the way he talks about it you would think it was made out of gold. It really isn't that great of a truck but to him it is. Anyways, my therapist thinks it is a good way for my brother to learn consequences, plus, as it turns out the Ring may not catch him because if my jeep is in the road as it always is and he drives by while throwing the eggs out his window as he drives by the Ring will only show that he drove by, but it will not prove that he threw eggs on my jeep. Now Send has posted a real good point (see Send's last post). I would love to hear any of your thoughts. Please don't tell me to find a new therapist because that won't happen seeing how he is helping me to get a food truck or a food trailer. Which now is making me realize what in the h3ll is my brother going to do with that?!!! Ugh:(
Thank you all!!!
I totally understand how you feel. I was always unnerved with my brother too.
It’s constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. When that shoe does drop, it’s a doozy! Like when I saw my brother being arrested at my parent’s house for robbing a bank.
You have no idea how that feels to be watching your brother being escorted off in handcuffs on the news. It was horrible to see.
I was angry. I was hurt because I desperately tried to talk him out of robbing a bank and he ignored everything that I said to him.
Yes, he told me his plan to rob a bank the week before he did it. I begged him not to do it, not to end up in jail, not to hurt our family and so on. It was mind boggling to see this unfold on the evening news. I did not go see him in prison. My parents did. I just couldn’t.
My younger brother took my parents to see him in jail. The first thing he said to my younger brother was that he needed him to smuggle drugs into the jail!
It sounds mean but I was relieved that he would be locked up for the next 7 years! I finally had peace knowing he couldn’t hurt me anymore because he was behind bars.
When he had his motorcycle accident years later, he asked me to go buy heroin for him. What??? I fell apart in the hall outside of his room. A kind nurse stopped to help me and told me that I had to stop helping him and my mom had to stop expecting me to help him.
So, yeah! I get it. I used to wish that I were an only child! Would have been better than living my nightmare with him.
I used to ask God if He was taking a nap when I prayed to him about my brother. Sometimes I felt that way. I would end up telling God that I had no idea what His plans were but having to live with my brother’s insane behavior was killing me.
Prison may have been God’s way of answering my prayers. I don’t pretend to know the mind of God. I am not a prophet. All I know is that I could finally breathe after my brother was locked up.
To tell the truth, I think if he could hit me with his truck or beat me he would do it if he thought he could get away with it!
Thank you for your point-of-view it helps to have others to bring their insight into a situation.😊
I know God knows what is going on. I just wish HE would do something about it. I don't understand why God let my brother abuse me for so long and now letting my brother do this crap to me! I am just so tired that I do have to watch my back and wonder what will my brother do next!!
So very sorry your brother is egging your jeep, and you have to be on the alert about what he is going to do next.
What he said about leaving you alone is obviously another lie.
There will be a solution I hope.
By a civil complaint, I was referring to the common occurence when the victim (you) has had enough, and responds in anger.
For example, if you had a moment of weakness, and egged his car, he could lie and sue you. It seems bizzarre, but he could be provoking you so you will respond in a way that he could get possession of the house. I don't know how, but these things happen, where the victim is portrayed as the bad guy. You will be okay, just watch your back. God has got this. And He knows who your brother is.
Thank you for your insight. I have not been close to my brother sense I was 6 yo. So, there is no relationship! He has NEVER had consequences my mother and dad gave him a Free Pass (more of my mother's doing). I am not sure how it will turn into a civil dispute. I just know that I am tired of his crap. The really sad part is he "will not" survive in jail. He is a mama's boy and really--just a weak person because he never had to fight for any thing. My mother baby him! I just have to catch him on my Ring! Your right in that he needs to get on law enforcement radar and whether or not he gets help is in God's hands because mine are full!
Worried,
I have read your pass posts about your brother and I swear, we have the same brother! My brother thinks he is the boss of this house and he doesn't live here and hasn't for 20 years, plus, he doesn't and never has paid any of the bills. H3ll, he made my parents pay him for mowing the lawn, moving furniture and everything else they needed him to do. When he use to watch the house and my mother's cats he made my parents pay him and he would leave the house a mess. But still believes that he is entitled to get the house because he did some chores for them that they paid him for. It is just crazy how his brain works!! And like yours, my brother takes no responsibility for any thing he does. Nothing is ever his fault. Thank you Worried for your support on everything including my message.
NHWM,
I believe that your brother is at peace now.💗🙏
The bottom line is, my brother needs to learn that he can't go around doing and treating people anyway he feels like it. There are consequences for his actions. We all have to live by life rules whether we like it or not and he is no different no matter what he believes or thinks!!!
Not having feelings for him does not make you a bad person at all. A person has to want rehab to cooperate or possibly a judge will insist on a person going through a program which generally doesn’t work because their heart isn’t it.
Of course a person should have to pay with consequences for their actions if they are guilty. Your brother is guilty of doing things and if charges are pressed against them they will suffer the consequences from their actions. You do have the choice to press charges. That is a personal decision that only you can make. Good move to change the locks.
It’s horribly sad to see anyone get caught up in addiction. I know people who became addicts after horrible accidents and they couldn’t cope with the pain. I know cancer patients who became addicted as well.
Street drugs are the worst! They are not pure, they cut them with all sorts of trash. Drugs can destroy lives in some situations and in other cases drugs prescribed by a doctor that are used properly can be helpful. Thank God that opioids aren’t prescribed as generously as they once were.
It’s horrible when addiction turns to criminal activity such as stealing. I agree that jail is the only thing that will stop them from stealing.
Unfortunately, some people like my brother still do drugs in jail. Some people have even died in jail if they can’t do drugs.
Rehab facilities handle withdrawals as a medical situation. It’s not a black and white thing, lots of gray areas.
You absolutely can’t have your brother in your life with or without your mom for the same reasons that I couldn’t. My mom was an enabler. My brother pitched a fit too when he didn’t get his way. All addicts do. Even if my mom would have been dead I would have cut my brother off. I couldn’t deal with it any longer. He refused going to rehab. He thought he knew more than the professionals or anyone else. No one can reason with them at that point. My brother saw me as a control freak too. He would make stupid assumptions about me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Consider the source, as they say. I had to learn to cope.
Plus, I was afraid of him when he was using and the people he bought drugs from. I never wanted to know any of the people he associated with. He would get behind paying his dealer and would have to move away from his apartment because he had his life threatened. Dealers don’t let them off the hook for not paying. My brother’s friend was murdered for not paying his dealer. It’s such an ugly lifestyle. My brother was homeless at one time. An old man took him in. Then he went into the hospice facility and died.
I truly feel horrible that you are going through this. It’s a horrible situation. I know you are all too familiar with it as I am. Sadly, many others are dealing with it too.
There absolutely comes a point in time when we must cut them off. I cut my brother off too. I had to. I didn’t see him again until he was in an end of life hospice facility. Some people make a choice not to see a person dying and that is understandable as well. Sometimes they don’t even get as far as hospice. Sometimes they overdose. Seeing my brother overdose when I was a young child freaked me out. It’s terribly sad. What a wasted life.
I certainly hope that my brother is at peace now. I would like to believe he is. This sounds nuts but my mom and I had the same dream shortly after he died where he was young and healthy and one of the few times in his life that he was off drugs. I felt peace and took it as a good sign.
Im so sorry things are bad with your brother! As you know mine was an addiction and is now an alcoholic and I think there must be some universal characteristics that addicts share because my brother is the same way, thinks I am a control freak and the favorite child. Takes no responsibility for his actions. Thinks he’s the boss. It’s really hard for me to deal with me and we aren’t close either. So you have my sympathy. Do whatever you need to do. You aren’t the bad guy, you aren’t a bad person and you aren’t responsible for his addiction.
It is often the case that a drug addict gets the help needed by coming before law enforcement's radar.
As a tough love advocate, I would report my own brother (or son)
in some cases, for egging my car, a lesser offense, but getting the attention of LE.
I think it may take intense and focused community and family effort in order to close down resources for an addict to continue behaviors. However, an addict at some point needs to want recovery.
To make war on your brother's drug use by yourself will get you ostracized and criticized 'as if' it is a disagreement between just you and brother. It could turn into a civil dispute between you two.
Turning him in lets him know he cannot cross that boundary without consequences. It will also end your relationship, both now and most likely in the future.
Protect yourself.
I understand that drug addicts steal that is why I changed all the locks and won't let him in the house; besides he would hit my mother up for money that she doesn't have then we would have to listen to him having a "fit" and him breaking things then my mother gets fixed on "having to find money to give him." The whole house turns upside down and my mother becomes unreasonable for about 3 days!!
And what really burns my butt is he thinks I am being a controlling bit@#. He believes that he isn't doing anything wrong. In his world he is right and EVERYBODY ELSE is WRONG!!! This is where people believe him over me.
I think Isthisrealyreal is right he is going to push it as far as he can until I send him to jail. He has never been in rehab because my mother just couldn't believe that he is a drug addict.
I am sorry that you lost your brother. I myself have lost a lot of friends to drug related deaths. It is sad. However, I have no feelings for my brother and I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not. I just know I can't have him in my mother's and my life!!!
I feel your pain. I truly do. I understand what it is like to live with a drug addicted brother. I lived it. Very sad. My brother was kindhearted but his drug addiction made our lives hell though. Yes, they steal. If you don't sleep with something locked up or under the pillow as we slept, it would be gone. Sad but true. We were close at one time. As close as we could be. I was close to my oldest brother and youngest brother growing up, not close with my second oldest brother. He was the bully. Now I am not close to my brothers due to various issues and yes my mom interfered too. It gets complicated. I had to go no contact.
I only wished that I could have helped him because he was a good person underneath and I believe in second chances. Unfortunately, it usually takes many attempts in rehab before beating drugs. Some do and good for them! I couldn't be happier for those that do.
I understand you having a tough shell. I get that. It's self preservation. I had to develop self preservation too. I feel deeply because I have a heart. I know that you have a heart too. I still had to protect myself and that is why I had to surrender trying to help him any longer. It was destroying me. I had to learn not to try and reason with him when he did not want help.
I am not advocating that you try to help him. I totally understand that you aren't close to him. I was never close to one of my brothers and he never did drugs, ever. Only my oldest brother became lost in addiction. I think the rest of us would have been terrified having witnessed the destruction that drugs cause in a person's life and others who care about them. It's interesting how some follow in their footsteps and others avoid it like the plague.
My brother had stopped drugs at different times in his life and became very successful in his life, even owning his own business. The temptation is always there and they are extremely vulnerable. Sadly, drugs had a stronghold on him for the majority of his life.
It's a medical problem. It's a psychological issue as well. Even law enforcement officers are recognizing this now. Going to jail is not going to deter them. My brother was in jail for seven years. Did it stop him from using drugs? Absolutely not. He did drugs in prison. It's a very difficult challenge. As you know a person has to want to make changes in their lives for it to happen. We can't make them want it. We can't deter it either.
I have enormous compassion for addicts and want them to have help. At the same time I know the frustration of those who are hurt by addicts and self preservation because I lived it. You are absolutely correct when you say others don't understand. They don't because they don't have first hand experience with it like we do. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I saw things that no child should have to see growing up. That is my past.
If I can use the experience to help others I will. Otherwise, I try to keep it in perspective. I truly had total forgiveness for my brother in my heart which was a miracle because I did not know I was capable of that. I had to pray for God's grace. I can't take credit for it. But I can say that God's grace is the only thing that brought me peace in the midst of a very difficult time. Watching him die was hard. There are some relationships where we don't feel anything for them. I understand that. I really do. I think every situation is individual.
Sooner or later the bottom will fall out one way or another in your brother's life. They go to jail for consequences of their actions or they end up dead like my brother. The lucky ones survive and beat their habit and remain in recovery.
I hope your brother will back off and allow you to live in peace. I get that sometimes you feel like leaving. Hey, all of your feelings are justi
I was angry that my brother put me in that situation. He did it to himself, but he drug me into it by pulling his stunt while our dad was in a different country.
Hopefully you can catch him and get him incarcerated where he can get some help for his drug addiction.
Odds are pretty high that he will continue to escalate the situation until he goes to prison. Unfortunately that is how biochemical personalities think. No responsibility.
You aren't doing this to him, he is. Pray that The Lord will guide his actions and thoughts.
I don't want to help my brother. We were never close my mother made sure of that...I just want him out of my life!!! I don't blame myself that my brother has a drug problem that is my mother's fault because she could never face the truth about her golden child.
You are right, I do feel emotions deeply and I hate it. I do have a hard shell because I had to because nobody ever had my back when I was growing up. My brother has bully me my whole life and all he does is lie, use, abuse, and steal from me. He truly is a dirt-bag!!!
I know you believe me, but the people who don't believe me are the everyday people...the people who are in my life:(
Well you know that I believe you. My brother died from HepC, directly related to his heroin habit.
Do I understand your conflicted emotions? Oh God, yes! Other people who haven’t walked in our shoes may not. I think they may not share our emotions anyway. I feel emotions very deeply and I know that you do as well.
I tried forever to help my brother. I even blamed myself for not being able to help him. I thought I didn’t approach him in the correct way. It wasn’t that at all.
We can’t help someone that refuses our help and with a broken heart we surrender. We give up trying to help them. We learn to protect ourselves. It’s a process.
Do I wish that I had a tough hard outer shell? Absolutely not. It’s what makes me, me. All I desire is a balance in my life. I don’t want my emotions to rule my life completely.
There are times that it is appropriate to follow our hearts and other times to use reason and logic, and trust our gut. Do you feel similar?
Thank you. We have motion lights all around our house because my brother has tried to break-in the house and the garage. But my Jeep is to far from the house for the motion lights to go off.
Plus, we are getting a new Ring motion light for the driveway because I have a feeling the longer I won't let him into the house or/and I don't talk to him the more he is going to get mad and the more he is going to do! It just sucks!! I hope the Ring catches him!
Send,
I haven't heard or seen the DIY motion activated sprinkler. I will look into it. Thanks for the laugh! My brother would be mad as a wet hen! I will look into it.
NHWM,
Thank you. The thing is, I don't want to be 'that person' who sends her brother to jail, but he just won't get the point! And the worst part is that people don't believe me. They don't see him for what he is...a liar, a thief...a drug addict! But I have no choice. God knows that my brother doesn't care about me or our mother.
I just can't let him finance his drug habit with my parents things or getting my mother's money (what little money she gets).
Would any of you report your brother for egging your car if you were in my shoes?
Thank you all for your support and ideas!!
I am so sorry that you have to deal with your brother’s shenanigans. I hope it’s resolved soon. Do whatever you have to do. I wouldn’t hesitate to try and catch him in the act either. Then report it.
I have kept my son's hand print he made in kindergarten.
Clearing my collections, I asked hubs if I should keep my son's baby teeth.
Hubs said, "Keep them for the dna".
Have you seen the DIY motion activated sprinkler with online instructions to use as a security measure?
A perpetrator would get wet, and mad as a wet hen.
Would you tell anyone?
Would you be scared?
Would you be a little bit c h i c k e n ?
🐥
Movie: Chicken Little
All I think about is 'what is he going to do when my mother passes away'? I have been thinking about fixing up the house and sell it just to get away from him! Maybe move out of state or maybe just out of the city. I don't know and it doesn't matter at this time. He told me that if I leave him alone he will leave me alone, but I never have or do anything to him. I just simply don't care enough about him to bother. He just doesn't get it!!!
This is my whiny moment!
Nowadays they can have my knitted goods for Christmas and like it.