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And now Tennesee just freaked me out on another thread "Dead Beat Siblings" about whether my brother and sister, who GIVE NO HELP AT ALL and have ripped off my dad's estate, are going to give me legal trouble over my handling of mom's stuff. Sometimes I really don't know if I should be doing this at all. It seems I've taken on an awful lot of risk just by doing what I THOUGHT was the right thing for mom.
Something cute. I came home yesterday from work and Mom came out to the kitchen to greet me. I said, "Mom, you have on my sweat pants!" We each have a pair of soft, comfy pea green sweats. Hers are a size 14 and mine are a few sizes bigger! She says, "I thought I had lost a lot of weight!" Then she pulls up her shirt to show me she had them pinned to her bra to keep them up! We had a good laugh!
Just great here now........I had him all ready to go....he spent 25 minutes watching the ramp guy and commenting on his progress...then at 10 to 9 he decided to use the crapper...sure enough three minutes in the Paratransit Van pulls up....I open door set chair out, let him know the vans here....this is so not gonna happen...she comes and tells me they can only wait five minutes...I know..I have read the damn brouchure... they can come anytime with in 45 minutes of scheduled pick up but you have five minutes and then........she came back they told her she had to drive away. she was sorry, I was sorry...he didn't have a clue. or care, he hates going now he doesn't have to...I feel like crying. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE I CAN'T GET OUT I CAN'T JUST LEAVE!!! Now he is in cackling at the paper....God i am so sick of all this. I have had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't mean to freak you out Ted,just want people to be aware that being a do-gooder doesn't make one immune from the abuse of a unforgiving system.If I had known then what I know now it would have been a different outcome.My brothers are pariticularly special because they have power and influence-titles alone seem to speak for themselves.My brother who never came down-didn't go to funeral-no one around here knew I had brothers was the one who came out the best financially.A family caregiver has less legal rights than hired help.Judges in Tenn. don't seem to care anyhow.While I was cleaning up poop,they were getting advice from lawyers,I was too busy,too tired,too upset and drained to walk around recording my life.Brothers had plenty of time to conspire,they weren't caregivers.Caregivers have plenty of problems of their own to be addressed and should.The legal system should make it easier on family caregivers.
Bobbie,hows the kitty,hows the weather,hows your new neighbors? Did dude at other marina get fired for messing with you.? Yard is lonely without NOLA,daughter wants a new puppy for Xmas. I'm thinking English shepard, Austrian Shepard or stray.Iknow Thanksgiving will be lonely with your mom gone,have you made any plans?
Tenn, I didn't mean to sound like it was your fault that i'm freakin'-sorry about that. It's just that I'm beginning to see how right you are, and how risky this could all be for me considering the type of people my siblings are. This whole situation just seemed to have evolved on it's own and there was never really a point where I said, "Okay, I am Now Her Caregiver" but I am, and I have never taken the time to consider the dangers I put myself in. I'm grateful for your input on your experiences because it's time now that I sit down with some authority or another and stop letting it just happen. As I've said before, half the time I'm not even sure if I should be doing this at all. It seems like an impossible task to expect myself to be able to handle this successfully when I feel so isolated, as though it's just me trying to protect myself and mom from the entire world including our family. There is no gratitude or reward for what I'm doing, other than my own sense of right and wrong, and it's really hard for me to be in any way motivated when I feel like i'm not even living my own life anymore. There really should be some kind of legal aid society for caregivers who just CAN'T add these kinds of worries into our lives.
J, is there anyone at all who can give you a break? It sounds like you have your hands full and it will start to affect your physical and mental well-being if you don't distance yourself....at least for a little bit. I tried speaking with my mom-in-law again this morning about hygiene and how we are going to rework her tub to allow her to use it as a shower. The attitude starts...and she tells me how clean she is....and I say does that include the shirt you've had on now for 3 days and all the food stuck to it? She wets her finger, swipes at a spot, and then gives me her shit-eatin' grin.....grrrrrrrrrrrrr. There are days when I think pillow therapy should be legalized...:)
Everyone sounds down today I hope you did not catch it from me. My sil's mom want her husband to go into a NH but wants to live with one of her daughters I said oh God DO NOT DO THAT she is difficult enough to deal with it would be much worse if she moved in with either one of them-I told her most children are so sorry that they did take the parents in their home. My brother was smart enough to say no way.
You can't put a price on family loyality Ted,a sense of pride and doing the right thing is not always a easy task. IT is ashamed the needs of family caregivers aren't addressed more in the media. Some people have a stronger sense of honor towards their family. I put in 10 years of what I consider hard labor,and I don't regret being there for my dad. The ambush by the brothers-I feel bad about.It would be in your best interest to make sure legally you are alright by a so-called expert.If your siblings are hostile towards you now,it would be wise to be working on your support team.One of my dads problems was he did not have a regular doctor,according to the lawyer ,the patients doctor can be a strong defense.My brothers made plans and sat back and waited and the sad part is the lawyers are getting what my dad built-thats the part that makes me very angry.Hopefully your sibs aren't as jealous and revengeful-I knew we had issues but not so extreme.I was too busy to notice those nasty little non helpful people.
My dad took his mother-in-law into his home-wouldn't had it any other way,of course he liked her which makes a hugh difference.Around here the NH is a dirty word.
I guess I've been lucky so far with MIL, but last week I came across my cat brushing his teeth with my brush (well, okay - he was just chewiing on - but just as gross).
Miz: where does that sense of guilt come from? My personal sense of guilt comes from my mother who used it since I was little in order to control me. I think it's about time we shake it down! Please, try to throw away that software and use a new one! You have no reason to feel guilty, believe me. Castoff: I am in the shit up to the throat (excuse me for this soft and chic expression) because even if I open another current account for my mother, which I have already done, I am certainly going to lose December's pension (you need at least one month to have the money transferred to another bank). The problem is that December's pension is double (they pay us double salary, double pensions in December). This means that the pension will arrive in the "frozen bank" and I will not be able to use it - and I should pay double salaries in December! I wanted to pay my debts and fix everything, and of course I won't be able to do it. My brother and sister in law will help me (alleluiah) but, of course, I can't ask them too much money, just to survive. I don't know how and when I will have access again to that money, which is a lot of money for me, it depends on the mess my mother has made (I still don't know what. Probably she has lost her ATM card and it has been stolen by a member of Mafia who is using it to pay his hired killers. (I am trying to joke). BTW I like so much the idea of video editing. I should sit in front of the PC without eating, drinking and sleeping if I had to do such a thing. I'm getting a workholic! Jen, I don't want to put more stress on you (than you already have) but I am afraid that your grandfather will use the ruse ot the last-minute-bathroom to avoid the day centre, all the time. I think you should be very tough, bring him to the van, and tell him: "It does not matter, you are going to poop at the centre". It is a fight of brains we are talking about! Brother Ted, I understand you so well in everything you say. I supported myself and my family of dogs and cats when I was alone, and "we" always managed to make ends meet. Since I live with my mother, the money is never enough. I agree with Tenn, defend yourself because often the siblings are not very tender. My brother is behaving well, now, but I know that when the problem we have now will be solved, and everything will go back to normal, I shall have to take the dagger again and put it between my teeth. Patti 4: the history of your mother is very funny. My mother does not like to wash, but if the colour of the sweater does not fit with the colour of the pants, she protests! Jam, which is the story of the pillow therapy? One flew over the cuckoo's nest? My brother did it with me all the time when we were teen-agers. He said "I bring you with me"
Oh! I have discovered now that I can give stars! I am sorry I have never given any to anyone. I did not understand where they came from. All of you'll be flooded by my stars from now on!
Actually Rossella, you might be on to something. I hear that American expatriates can live very nicely on thier retirement income in MEXICO. maybe I should just move mom there!
I Have to deal with Hurricanes every few years around here. I guess I could deal with earthquakes. But seriously, I don't think mom would survive the trip.
Italy that star thing is funny.My daughter beats me to the stars now.She'll hear me dinging away on the computer and yell-sorry mom already starred that comment!
Oh my! Sounds like everyone is having a rough day. I know the feeling all too well and can sympathize. Constantly being broke, tired and guilty. I wish I had a magic wand to make everyone feel better. My trial today is yet another headache. I wish you all some peace today.
Hi Everyone. I'm so tired. And so tired of dealing with stupid and rude people and stupid systems and problems again and again. I'm just tired. I see no break in sight. Rossella, I was raised on shame and guilt, but I know my parents loved me very much. I haven't been able to find anything about feeling constantly guilty. It really sucks. It's like an obsession. That with the depression and anxiety are just too much. I'm surprised my blood pressure isn't sky high or that I have not had a stroke or heart attack. I just keep on keeping on. K, I'm going to bed. J, I hope you get some respite soon. I worry about you very much.
Every place on the planet is subject to earthquakes in reality. just places they are more common along major fault lines. I would be more worried about the violent crime wave there just now. Those poor people.
Mom thought of that too...The bathroom ruse...I won't fuss, I wont holler...I will just call a cab and go up and DROP HIM OFF!!!!!
Is there anyone else who can help? Well, not really. They say they want to then say they have too much on their own plates....Fine what ever...I will not wait for help that I know is not forth coming. I am in Hell and will be till he is dead or gone.
Thank you all for support and listening to me grouse.
I'm concerned about all of my 'thread family' & wish that there was something that I could do to make things better for everybody! I hate seeing everybody so down. Please know that you're all in my thoughts & prayers & I hope that things will get better for everybody soon!
Well, Italy is subject to earthquakes, too. That's why I am afraid of them. I guess that as time goes, one becomes more and more afraid of everything! Miz, I don't really know what to say. Have you tried with yoga or something similar? Stretching? I remember they both worked miracles for me. I should definitely start again. All the tensions go away. You have to do it constantly, though! Jen, okay. If you take him there with a cab, he will understand that he has no escape! Seriously, you need those free hours every week! I think we are having a particularly difficult period because the weather is changing! It'll be better in a while. And because of the economic crisis - that, won't be better in a while. Many of my friends and relatives, "who are not caregivers", are having difficult times. They have their problems, too! They don't always go horse riding in a field full of flowers, the wind in their hair and the smile on their face.
On top of everything else, now I'm reading all of these horror stories about absentee siblings who don't help at all and don't offer any financial assistance or advice or even call our mom, but they wait in the wings until after the fact and then give the caregiver all kinds of legal hell about how they handled the whole thing. Knowing what my sister is capable of, (she kept my third of my father's estate and when I asked about it, she verbally abused me, accused me of all kinds of lies, and told me that I would have to sue her to get it) I think that I HAVE to go see a lawyer NOW to start protecting myself before things get any worse. And how am I supposed to pay for that? I'm beginning to think that the Administration on Aging and all the other organizations should STOP encouraging people to do this, STOP pretending that they are there for our support until they get serious about some real and solid legal advocacy for the realities of family Caregiving and work on letting people know about the dangers that a family caregiver might face!
I hope you overworked and underappreciated caregivers have a better day and that God gives you all an extra measure of strength today and your burdens are lighter you all deserve it and where is our captain Bobbie we all need you girlfriend so many of us are suffering Crowe we need your voise of reason God bless.
Good Morning Everyone. I think I'm better today. So far. I'm thinking one reason we're all down is it's Fall and Winter is coming and it's getting dark earlier, at least that's the case here where I live. It sure doesn't help.
I have so many worries. Some that I have not shared on here. Constant anxiety and stress. When all is said and done I will just want to lay on the beach somewhere and do nothing...let someone wait on me. Bring me drinks, etc. But, that will most probably not happen because we are in too much debt. I will be working and working and working. If I get sued I don't know what we will do. Sorry, getting depressing again. Love yas. Back later.
Thanks but my voice of reason is on mute right now with all of these tapes going off in my head from the years of my life that I had not had much memory about before. This too shall pass, but I'll be glad when this marathon of movies in my head is over. I've been spending a lot of time and I mean a lot of time in my "Man Cave."
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
and welcome to this site . xoxo
This whole situation just seemed to have evolved on it's own and there was never really a point where I said, "Okay, I am Now Her Caregiver" but I am, and I have never taken the time to consider the dangers I put myself in.
I'm grateful for your input on your experiences because it's time now that I sit down with some authority or another and stop letting it just happen. As I've said before, half the time I'm not even sure if I should be doing this at all. It seems like an impossible task to expect myself to be able to handle this successfully when I feel so isolated, as though it's just me trying to protect myself and mom from the entire world including our family.
There is no gratitude or reward for what I'm doing, other than my own sense of right and wrong, and it's really hard for me to be in any way motivated when I feel like i'm not even living my own life anymore.
There really should be some kind of legal aid society for caregivers who just CAN'T add these kinds of worries into our lives.
Deef? Rip, Rosella, hope things are better for everyone else...
Castoff: I am in the shit up to the throat (excuse me for this soft and chic expression) because even if I open another current account for my mother, which I have already done, I am certainly going to lose December's pension (you need at least one month to have the money transferred to another bank). The problem is that December's pension is double (they pay us double salary, double pensions in December). This means that the pension will arrive in the "frozen bank" and I will not be able to use it - and I should pay double salaries in December! I wanted to pay my debts and fix everything, and of course I won't be able to do it. My brother and sister in law will help me (alleluiah) but, of course, I can't ask them too much money, just to survive. I don't know how and when I will have access again to that money, which is a lot of money for me, it depends on the mess my mother has made (I still don't know what. Probably she has lost her ATM card and it has been stolen by a member of Mafia who is using it to pay his hired killers. (I am trying to joke).
BTW I like so much the idea of video editing. I should sit in front of the PC without eating, drinking and sleeping if I had to do such a thing. I'm getting a workholic!
Jen, I don't want to put more stress on you (than you already have) but I am afraid that your grandfather will use the ruse ot the last-minute-bathroom to avoid the day centre, all the time. I think you should be very tough, bring him to the van, and tell him: "It does not matter, you are going to poop at the centre". It is a fight of brains we are talking about!
Brother Ted, I understand you so well in everything you say. I supported myself and my family of dogs and cats when I was alone, and "we" always managed to make ends meet. Since I live with my mother, the money is never enough. I agree with Tenn, defend yourself because often the siblings are not very tender. My brother is behaving well, now, but I know that when the problem we have now will be solved, and everything will go back to normal, I shall have to take the dagger again and put it between my teeth.
Patti 4: the history of your mother is very funny. My mother does not like to wash, but if the colour of the sweater does not fit with the colour of the pants, she protests!
Jam, which is the story of the pillow therapy? One flew over the cuckoo's nest? My brother did it with me all the time when we were teen-agers. He said "I bring you with me"
All of you'll be flooded by my stars from now on!
Hugs to my hard working caregivers,
Diane
love,
miz
Mom thought of that too...The bathroom ruse...I won't fuss, I wont holler...I will just call a cab and go up and DROP HIM OFF!!!!!
Is there anyone else who can help? Well, not really. They say they want to then say they have too much on their own plates....Fine what ever...I will not wait for help that I know is not forth coming. I am in Hell and will be till he is dead or gone.
Thank you all for support and listening to me grouse.
Love & hugs to each of you,
Peaches
Miz, I don't really know what to say. Have you tried with yoga or something similar? Stretching? I remember they both worked miracles for me. I should definitely start again. All the tensions go away. You have to do it constantly, though!
Jen, okay. If you take him there with a cab, he will understand that he has no escape! Seriously, you need those free hours every week!
I think we are having a particularly difficult period because the weather is changing! It'll be better in a while. And because of the economic crisis - that, won't be better in a while.
Many of my friends and relatives, "who are not caregivers", are having difficult times. They have their problems, too! They don't always go horse riding in a field full of flowers, the wind in their hair and the smile on their face.
And how am I supposed to pay for that?
I'm beginning to think that the Administration on Aging and all the other organizations should STOP encouraging people to do this, STOP pretending that they are there for our support until they get serious about some real and solid legal advocacy for the realities of family Caregiving and work on letting people know about the dangers that a family caregiver might face!
I have so many worries. Some that I have not shared on here. Constant anxiety and stress. When all is said and done I will just want to lay on the beach somewhere and do nothing...let someone wait on me. Bring me drinks, etc. But, that will most probably not happen because we are in too much debt. I will be working and working and working. If I get sued I don't know what we will do. Sorry, getting depressing again. Love yas. Back later.
love,
miz
Thanks but my voice of reason is on mute right now with all of these tapes going off in my head from the years of my life that I had not had much memory about before. This too shall pass, but I'll be glad when this marathon of movies in my head is over. I've been spending a lot of time and I mean a lot of time in my "Man Cave."