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Still waitin to hear about what we can do with the ramp. watched a traffic accident scene last night. car running from cops T-boned another car right close by. Was fun talkin smack with neighbors, guessing what it was. We were right, drugs, felony warrants, moron in Honda. Made the news here. Stayed out till 9, no, no one noticed, or cared. I remember as the car whizzed by me I wanted to stop it, throw a brick at the windshield or myself. I was thinking BUD you think YOUR life sucks! Live Mine! Dumbass......
next...
Hope things this week are OK for everyone. As if eh?...
I think that sometimes when we are so enmeshed with our loved one (like I am with my mother) it is very hard to take respite even though we know we really need it. The fear of what might happen while you or they are gone. That they would get too upset without you there. Stuff like that. However, this should not stop us from getting a break. I need to keep telling myself that.
I received some information today that the Alzheimer Association will give up to $500 twice a year for respite care. Contact your local chapter to get more details. Also, it's not just for Alzheimers patients. It can be for any dementia related illness. I hope this info can help all of us.
It's been 6 months for me since mom died and I haven't been a caregiver and I am still not right. I can feel myself getting better but still am not anywhere near where I was when I began the caregiving in 2004.
Miz is right because it takes so long to let go of the stress that a one week respite is great but only a drop in the bucket. Still might save your life.
Hey, all! Still reading all posts but still feeling pretty down. Found out an old friend died of lung cancer at the age of 53. So sad - he finally seemed to be happy with his life. Came home from work today to dad in diapers - catheter needed to be replaced. While changing it, splashed myself in the face with urine. Yuk! You are all in my prayers every night as I pray for peace, less stress and better days ahead. Love ya
Oh kuli. Pee in the face can not be fun. Eww. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've had similar experiences. It's almost like we have to laugh or we'll cry. I'm so sorry you're down and you know I know pretty much how you feel.
It takes awhile, bobbie. I don't know how many days in a row I cried after my dad died and I wasn't even his caregiver. You were so close with your mom as I am with mine.
5 years is really a long time. I have been living in this situation for 2 years and I am already tired.... You are not depressed Miz, you are just exhausted
Ted -good for you you realize you do not deserve what you are dealing with now you need to fight for respite. It takes a long time after caregiving for years to relax and let go I still sometimes forget that when I am not feeling well I can go back to bed without feeling guilty and it has been a year and a half since my husband died.
When soldiers come back from war,they aren't over it in 6 months.I think it takes years.When your parent passes away ,you don't pop up and just pick up where you left off.I feel as though the people with the most support from friends or family do the best,[what friends and family?] I put in 10 years being a caregiver the last five was constant drama.I -like ted was not seemly noticed,I began to think I didn't matter.I felt very slave like-it wasn't my father making me feel that way.It was the rest of the family,the nurses-home health.Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't.Rock and a hard place is how I saw it.Healing is a slow process.
I'm a little afaid that a week or two isn't going to be anywhere near enought time, I guess my biggest fear is that I will just have begun to get the can of worms open and time will be up and I'll have to stuff it all back and close it up real quick. I think that could make things worse.
Today is the last day my brother has to sign his papers for the land he took from me.The lawyer has court planned for tomorrow to make him take the land legally-how screwed up is that.My daughter thought his purpose was for him to help us keep the land.My brother will be fined if he doesn't sign those papers.His pit bull-lawyers he fired are biting at the bit to take their pay out of my dads beloved farm.Lawyers are sure some low-down immoral people.I guess I'll know by the end of the day if I go back to court.
I had finally gotten a caregiver to come in for respite 3 morings a week. Yesterday she called in sick. I was so disapointed! I ended up having a bad day, yelling at my Mom, stuffing food into my mouth, etc. I guess I really needed the respite! Today I am not expecting anyone to come in so I'm not upset. (yet) My new "downer" is the holiday. I want to just skip it, but I don't think that's possible. I do enjoy the sounds, sights, and smells of the holiday season, so I'll focus of that. As mentioned by others, It must be a difficult time after the one we've been putting all of our time and energy and emotions into passes. I'm living in my Mom's house which will have to be sold after and I'll have to move somewhere esle. Scary. I wanted to go to a support group meeting locally, but don't have anyone to stay with Mom, so I'm on here.
Can't take mom. everybody is there to bitch and can't do it if mom is there. Maybe there's some kind of rotation where someone else from the group can watch mom and his/her charge so ssk can go and then she can do it for someone else in the future.
I always thought that there could be a better way for the caregiver to get a break working with other caregivers in the area and the support group is a great way to start investigating that.
When I was still caregiving I didn't have the energy, mentally or physically, to really research and get that up and running. Maybe if I didn't have all of the construction stuff I could have but man that all was a heavy load.
this is a great subset of this website and I know that they encourage local caregivers to UNITE and come up with more solutions for the exhausted. It's hard when you are the one so exhausted.
Maybe some former caregivers who have healed could put some respite days in for the present caregivers.
Maybe the moon will sh!! biskits.
I know that right now I could certainly watch some folks so others could go to a movie or support group. I just don't know if I could do it a second time after I remembered through new experience how hard core it is.
Tennessee! good luck kiddo. you don't deserve any of that bs and I am saying a prayer for your daddy's farm.
Ted! love ya buddy. don't know you well but know that you work hard, aren't appreciated and are mistreated by the people who should support you. sux, but according to my experience and others here, seems to be the unfortunate norm for the family caregiver.
Miz! you're depressed AND exhausted! Thank God you're not pregnant! THAT would be a 3 banger! Miz! remember that when it is time you come to me on the boat. That I hope will help in some way to remind you that you have a future after all of this is over. And it will be over. That is the way.
I think that Tenn is right about the soldiers returning from war and that if we as caregivers understand that we have Post Traumatic Stress as well as the long long grief process as we watch our moms and dads fade away in front of our eyes and then they die and there we are, bereft and empty and still no one understands.
My moms friends for the most part were mean to me and didn't even bother showing up at her funeral after all the dinners I made and tea I served so mom could have a 'friend' over. My bio mom and I still don't communicate after she was a huge selfish person 2 weeks before mom died and typically made this amazingly sad time all about her. But she's a Christian!! Oh please, bio mom, quit giving the Christians a bad name.
Ted it all sucks. just keep showing up here. I know these incredible ladies saved my life. Tennessee and her daughter actually figured out where mom's funeral was and sent the most beautiful angel. When this boat goes North next season, that angel will be permanently installed on the helm.
Ted, if you are waiting for someone around you to give you permission to take a break,more or likely it won't happen.I would plann my breaks out to make sure my dad was cared for and had what he needed,then I would leave for a day or a week.The other hired help worked 5 days 8 hour shifts.I worked 7 days-all night and part of the day and when others didn''t bother coming in.My dad only wanted me there,he didn't want me to leave him -thats why I stopped telling him about me needing a break.Anytime I had something planned he would try to sabatoge my planns or start having pains or something.Those few free days or weeks is how I coped with it all.If I didn't have that survival instinct to know I had to have a break-I am sure I would be dead.I was wanting my dad or the nurse or someone to tell me it was o.k. for even me to have a break.Thats when the black hole almost got me. The lawyers have used my breaks against me-like I didn't deserve one. The only scheduled break I took was when my brothers came in on the sly. to secure their inheritance.Anyway ,No, two weeks is not enough to get yourself together again,but two weeks is enough to give you some space for insight,clear your mind a wee bit-regroup-sleep for about 3 days and Steer clear of that hole.If someone gives you permission to take a break,then that is work and responsibility on them-that won't happen,this is the only place where people understand the desperate need for respite.
Ted-have you gone in for a so-called free appt. to a lawyer to see how they would suggest going about getting your past inheritance.My handicapp was having a district attorney in the family-I hear tell that title means something to other lawyers.If you do not have senators-district attorneys or other so-called powerful people in your mist,you should at least be on a even playing field.
Haven't yet seen a Local lawyer yet, my specific problem is that Dad's estate and my thieving sister are in NY and I am in NC, I think that might complicate things, plus I doubt i'll be able to pull together a retainer if the atty wants one. It all just seems like such a mess that i procrastinate about doing anything, but I don't really have any choice, It's amazing how her greed can screw up this whole thing with me and mom. It isn't like she NEEDS my money, but I do!
Tenny's right Ted. If you don't ultimately save your own life, no one else will. I had to put my mom in respite care and it was not an easy decision but I KNEW that I was not long for this world. I was dying. I didn't think that it was fair for me to die so mom could keep suffering. And think how she would suffer if I died! She'd be sh!! out of luck! At least at respite I could work on beginning my healing and still be with mom. We actually had a good time when she was in respite because I was able to have the time and energy to take her out to eat and take her out to get her hair done and a manny/pedi, etc.
I brought all her favorite treats to the place which was very very nice. Mom had her own room and bath and it was all designed for memory care and aging care. They had activities and I arranged for mom to have PT, Speech therapy and a few other things which meant that she had interaction with people when I wasn't there.
I learned about different products on the Alzheimers' Store website, like the lap activity mat, etc. I got mom a beautiful doll from that website and she liked it propped up in her room and the folks would bring it out and sit it next to her. She was wise to the fact that it was a doll but would hang out with it anyway.
The above are the techniques that you use to help your mom and YOU. By finding a place and then doing all the things to make that place comfortable for her and by healing yourself you will be able to handle the rest of your business. The stress will lessen and you'll deal with your idiot family.
Like Tennessee said, that survival instinct kicks in and you KNOW that this is what you must do in order to LIVE!
I assume that your parents were divorced?As you well know,I have no respect for lawyers,but the reason I asked if you talk to one yet is because they do not think or see things the way normal people do. They will tell you about how much it would cost to pursue something-if you have a chance of winning.Every attorney I talked too said my case would be more expensive than a murder trial,they all said atleast 100,000 dollars.Now I know that dying is a racket for that sort of scumm-bagg lawyer.Sometimes something can be solved with a legal letter.If your sister was in charge legally-did something wrong-misused her power-a lawyer will let you know if he smells money.Money to a lawyer is like cocaine to a drug addict-blood to a vampire.Lawyers are not there to solve problems they are money blood-hounds.You will atleast see what legal rights you have or haven't before the real shit hits the fan.
How Long did you have your mom in respite care? as i've said, I'm afraid of not doing this right, not taking enough time for it to have a positive effect, and maybe making things worse. If I felt that i could afford it, I would try to take more like a month off, just to get my head clear, and re- set in a better frame of mind,
Tenn, As far as I can tell, My sister just didn't distribute the funds as per the will, you would think that would be simple enought to straighten out but I'm sure you are right, and that the lawyers will have a field day complicating the whole thing. That's what's so frustrating. How badly she is screwing everything up just for some money that isn't hers and she doesn't need. It makes me sick.
I supposed this question has already been asked, but was your dad's will sent through probate court and don't they have some jurisdiction to make sure the executrix of an estate does right?
Customer I lost my cool to did not come in yesterday. My boss wasn't there either. No one said anything about it to me. We'll see what happens next time he comes in and I'm there. Or maybe he will just come in the mornings when I'm not there. I can only hope. ;)
Yes, and i have been in contact with the court's help center, That is where I got the paperwork showing all this money that i was never told about by my sister. However, the court help center told me that unless there is some challenge made by one of the beneficiaries (me) the court just takes the executrixes word for everything, there are no checks and balances without a challenge. That's the hard part, I am out of state so can't do anything in person, (and can't leave mom to go up there) so i have no choice but to hire an atty to handle it and as we know, The atty is gonna want a retainer, (I Don't Have) and will probably turn it into a circus to up the bill. Thieving sis has got me cornered and knows it. How have you been, Crowe? Things calming down a bit for you?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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watched a traffic accident scene last night. car running from cops T-boned another car right close by. Was fun talkin smack with neighbors, guessing what it was. We were right, drugs, felony warrants, moron in Honda. Made the news here. Stayed out till 9, no, no one noticed, or cared. I remember as the car whizzed by me I wanted to stop it, throw a brick at the windshield or myself. I was thinking BUD you think YOUR life sucks! Live Mine! Dumbass......
next...
Hope things this week are OK for everyone. As if eh?...
love,
miz
I received some information today that the Alzheimer Association will give up to $500 twice a year for respite care. Contact your local chapter to get more details. Also, it's not just for Alzheimers patients. It can be for any dementia related illness. I hope this info can help all of us.
Luv ya,
Diane
THANKS!
Miz is right because it takes so long to let go of the stress that a one week respite is great but only a drop in the bucket.
Still might save your life.
lovbob
My wife came home from the hospital today!
love,
miz
love,
miz
love,
miz
love,
miz
My new "downer" is the holiday. I want to just skip it, but I don't think that's possible. I do enjoy the sounds, sights, and smells of the holiday season, so I'll focus of that. As mentioned by others, It must be a difficult time after the one we've been putting all of our time and energy and emotions into passes. I'm living in my Mom's house which will have to be sold after and I'll have to move somewhere esle. Scary. I wanted to go to a support group meeting locally, but don't have anyone to stay with Mom, so I'm on here.
Take mom with you if you have to, really, go. somehow.
Maybe there's some kind of rotation where someone else from the group can watch mom and his/her charge so ssk can go and then she can do it for someone else in the future.
I always thought that there could be a better way for the caregiver to get a break working with other caregivers in the area and the support group is a great way to start investigating that.
When I was still caregiving I didn't have the energy, mentally or physically, to really research and get that up and running. Maybe if I didn't have all of the construction stuff I could have but man that all was a heavy load.
this is a great subset of this website and I know that they encourage local caregivers to UNITE and come up with more solutions for the exhausted. It's hard when you are the one so exhausted.
Maybe some former caregivers who have healed could put some respite days in for the present caregivers.
Maybe the moon will sh!! biskits.
I know that right now I could certainly watch some folks so others could go to a movie or support group.
I just don't know if I could do it a second time after I remembered through new experience how hard core it is.
Tennessee! good luck kiddo. you don't deserve any of that bs and I am saying a prayer for your daddy's farm.
Ted! love ya buddy. don't know you well but know that you work hard, aren't appreciated and are mistreated by the people who should support you. sux, but according to my experience and others here, seems to be the unfortunate norm for the family caregiver.
Miz! you're depressed AND exhausted! Thank God you're not pregnant! THAT would be a 3 banger!
Miz! remember that when it is time you come to me on the boat. That I hope will help in some way to remind you that you have a future after all of this is over.
And it will be over. That is the way.
I think that Tenn is right about the soldiers returning from war and that if we as caregivers understand that we have Post Traumatic Stress as well as the long long grief process as we watch our moms and dads fade away in front of our eyes and then they die and there we are, bereft and empty and still no one understands.
My moms friends for the most part were mean to me and didn't even bother showing up at her funeral after all the dinners I made and tea I served so mom could have a 'friend' over.
My bio mom and I still don't communicate after she was a huge selfish person 2 weeks before mom died and typically made this amazingly sad time all about her.
But she's a Christian!!
Oh please, bio mom, quit giving the Christians a bad name.
Ted it all sucks. just keep showing up here. I know these incredible ladies saved my life.
Tennessee and her daughter actually figured out where mom's funeral was and sent the most beautiful angel.
When this boat goes North next season, that angel will be permanently installed on the helm.
lovbob
It's amazing how her greed can screw up this whole thing with me and mom. It isn't like she NEEDS my money, but I do!
I had to put my mom in respite care and it was not an easy decision but I KNEW that I was not long for this world.
I was dying.
I didn't think that it was fair for me to die so mom could keep suffering. And think how she would suffer if I died! She'd be sh!! out of luck!
At least at respite I could work on beginning my healing and still be with mom.
We actually had a good time when she was in respite because I was able to have the time and energy to take her out to eat and take her out to get her hair done and a manny/pedi, etc.
I brought all her favorite treats to the place which was very very nice.
Mom had her own room and bath and it was all designed for memory care and aging care.
They had activities and I arranged for mom to have PT, Speech therapy and a few other things which meant that she had interaction with people when I wasn't there.
I learned about different products on the Alzheimers' Store website, like the lap activity mat, etc. I got mom a beautiful doll from that website and she liked it propped up in her room and the folks would bring it out and sit it next to her. She was wise to the fact that it was a doll but would hang out with it anyway.
The above are the techniques that you use to help your mom and YOU.
By finding a place and then doing all the things to make that place comfortable for her and by healing yourself you will be able to handle the rest of your business.
The stress will lessen and you'll deal with your idiot family.
Like Tennessee said, that survival instinct kicks in and you KNOW that this is what you must do in order to LIVE!
lovbob
That's what's so frustrating. How badly she is screwing everything up just for some money that isn't hers and she doesn't need. It makes me sick.
I supposed this question has already been asked, but was your dad's will sent through probate court and don't they have some jurisdiction to make sure the executrix of an estate does right?
That's the hard part, I am out of state so can't do anything in person, (and can't leave mom to go up there) so i have no choice but to hire an atty to handle it and as we know, The atty is gonna want a retainer, (I Don't Have) and will probably turn it into a circus to up the bill. Thieving sis has got me cornered and knows it.
How have you been, Crowe? Things calming down a bit for you?