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Also, I see my shrink today for a med check. I hope he's ready for an earful cause I've had it with his office staff. They are just not nice. I don't need their snippiness, especially from a psychiatrist's office. Two times one of them hung up before I could even say bye. I said "Thank you" and they hung up the phone. Such rudeness!! Also, there is no way to reach them after hours. How can a mental health professional do that. What if someone is suicidal. Go to the emergency room? Who is going to have the energy to do that when they feel suicidal. Makes no good sense to me.
Ted, about 9 weeks. there are a series of books available at b k books . com they will help you understand the transistion that your mom is facing. 4 @ 3 bucks a piece.
When I knew it was time I took her to her home and she died at peace in her own little bed. We had 2 weeks at home with a live in caregiver and used that time to hang out bedside and watch tv and hug and kiss her and hold her hand.
with retrospect I would have had Hospice there also off and on but they came in at the last minute and made a good difference.
You can do this. It and this site saved my life. I am not kidding.
I wasn't executor,everything I HAD WAS LEGAL AND NOTORIZED.My brother who never called or helped-or even came to the funeral came out with over a million dollars-his rightful inheritance he called it.Then he tried to sue me for damages on top of it.I had a signed deed,my brothers had a conflicting will that was drawn up after my dad was out of hospital. They did not care about my signed deed,but they sure cared about the will.IF your sister is ignoring the only standing document-I would say she is taking the chance of a lawsuit.Its always possible she could get billed if indeed she's the problem.My brother who never helped or cared came out the very best inheritance wise.There is not a doubt in my mind he had attoneys-long before my dad past away.It was like my brother would come down just long enough to see how much time my dad had to live. Whats wrong with the situation that a kid with no consideration for a parent comes out ahead while the caregiver sibling is fighting to stay out of the hole. I know I extended my dads life by 10 years if not more.Where are the laws protecting the family caregiver. I would have had more rights if I WASN'T family.Why does our legal system reward deadbeats.Maybe we need less greedy-college educated fools running our country and more people with common sense and moral IQ-maybe pigs will fly.
Thanks Bobbie. Let me know if your travels ever bring into Beaufort NC, it's just an average little pleasure port, but I would like to give you a real hug.
MIZ-To bad I'm not around-I've had way to much experience with rude people.I'm tired of those lawyers and secretaries. I asked the secretary who was the incompetent one-her or her boss.I asked her if they purposely misinform people or do they just don't know what they are doing.This is hindsight, but I was so fed up at the time with my brothers indifference toward my dad and me I almost sent a certified letter to my brother the lawyer explaining our need and their lack of consideration.I told my dad he only seems to respond to legal stuff.If I HAD sent that letter certified that would have made a difference in court-big difference-Ted, I'm not a lawyer,but a certified letter is regarded as proof in court.I wouldn't waste my breath on my brothers,pleading for them to do the right thing,if I had it to do all over again.I would treat them like a bad business deal.If bro. and sis. don't do the right thing when mom and dad are alive-they surely aren't after the fact.
I guess i could try a certified letter to the judge on the case, lay out my situation and hope for the best? i guess it can't hurt at this point.
Bobbie, i'm just happy that i finally get to meet one of you guys, Maybe we should consider putting together a 'Grossed out Gathering'? Set it up for a few months from now so we can all save our pennies and start putting together whatever respite care we can? In a perfect world we could all go camp out at Rosella's !
Venting like a freight train this morning-the secretary does not know yet if we go to court tomorrow. Did I mention that one of the opposing lawyers is a STATE REPRESENTATIVE-shows you people don't know what they put in office or don't care.I cannot tell you how many times that BOY used being a state rep. to their legal advantage.It has taken my brother 11 months now to put his name on a million dollars worth of property quick-claimed deed.,Even though I gave it up so I can pick up the pieces and start over,I am still getting billed 11 months later. I guess lawyers think that being a legal crook is more HONERABLE than being a regular crook.Just as we are in the same boat together as caregivers-lawyers and judges are in their pirate ship.The two sets of lawyers compete to see who the judge likes better,the judge and lawyers know whats what before you step into the court room.The first thing the lawyers want to know is my income-lack of one or what I own that could be of value to them. Then they tell you the relationship they have personally with the judge.The out siders do not have as good of a chance of winning.Why with my brother having a personal relationship with all of the judges and lawyers wasn't brought up I still don't have a clue. I WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED IT CONFLICT OF INTEREST.MY lawyer says that people in politics work way to hard to ever jeopardize their positions by doing something illegal.Sometimes I can't figure out if he thinks I'm that stupid to beleive that or is he that stupid.Being a lawyer is a ideal legal profession for a crook.I'm done.
TED,I was referring to sending a certified letter to all of the deadbeat siblings-explaining how unbalanced the care is.I kept hearing over and over how there are 3 kids in our family to share in the inheritance[What about sharing in caregiving,butt wiping -urinal washing-housecleaning-doctors appts. on and on.]why do we share inheritance when we share none of the stress,worry and work. My brothers marched in like Shermans army,after my dad was dead and said she was never around-we had hired help and that was that-Just like it was true.I did not punched a clock,I was not on pay role,it was like I never existed at all they said they were around and they[two brothers ]stuck to that story.The thing that made me the most argry was what they did to my dads memory.They protrayed him as a stupid and weak minded man-which he wasn't.He had bad moments mostly at night,but he was still mentally shape,but they couldn't get what they wanted by telling the court how smart my dad was.My brothers gave me the role of abuser and my dad the role of idiot and they prortrayed themselves as innocent victims and thats where it stands.A lawyer feels as though it has to be in writing to be true.I know if I'm trying to collect money owed I ALWAYS SEND A CERTIFIED LETTER STATING THE FACTS FOR IF IT EVER GOES TO COURT I HAVE PROOF OF TRYING TO NOTIFY THE PARTY IN VIOLATION.
I see what youre saying, I should put down on paper, and send certified, all my questions, concerns, position, etc. not with the hope that the letter would resolve it all, but so that if i need to fall back on something to back up my claims, I would have that. Right? Cover my a$$ now?
Ted I worry so about you you need to do something is there some way you can get two hours off for three days a week to start maybe a lonly old lady would sept for you of you can only go for a walk or get an icecream cone something by yourself or take a undestrubed nap any thing that is yiur time believe me for me it was going to a park and watching the water for an hour that was calming or window shopping to get away please try to get away and build on that the sky will not fall if you are not on the reins all the time,
Thanks, i do get out a little, never more than an hour or two though. I think what I need is enough time off to let my mind stop, rest and restart. I've got into a rut that I can't see my way out of while I'm riding around in it. Does that make sense?
Yep Ted,thats what I'm saying.All of this verbal ya yaing we do with the non-participating brothers and sisters don't matter a hill of beans.If you do ever pursue the inheritance,it comes down to what you can actually prove in documentation.I caught a guy illegally hunting on me,he knew it was my land he knew I wouldn't pee on his face if he was on fire.The game warden ticketed him,carried him to court and he got off because we could not show proof I advised him to stay off of my land.If I had sent him that certified letter,he would have gotten fined instead of warned.Your right its not about solving a problem its about covering your rear,when and if that problem arises again.Its hard to think straight when you are knee deep in poop-weary-stressed-worried and exhausted,thats why I didn't see the avalanche coming. I was set up and for the longest I thought man,do I have bad luck.Now that I am out of the caregiving its amazing how clear everything is.My brothers used my love and devotion for my dad against me.My brother who was POA and DA was going to leave his beddridden father alone all night-sundowning.His closest neighbor was over a mile away-hospital a hour away.Do you think any of us could get away with doing that without being reported.The home health nurse knew it,but was scared of bro's power.My brothers had their cake and ate it too thanks to Tenn. legal system or lack of one.
Ted, Absolutely makes sense which is why my advice is to change the pattern and put your mom in respite. It doesn't matter whether she wants to go or not. Of course she's not going to want to go but you make it fun somehow and make it happen. It will save your life and your sanity. This move will be the hardest but you can do it. After you implement the plan you follow it and we will help you.
This sibling crap is hitting really close to home. Sometimes I wonder if there are supportive families anywhere? How is it they can survive within their mindsets? Nuturing themselves & their lavish lifestyles ~ leaving their parents & brothers &/or sisters to carry on in dispair.
My father is so ashamed of my brother's behavior. Grateful for me, but I don't think he realizes how tough it is being me. Neither of us signed up for this!!!
I have a dear friend who is a MD. Retired from private practice, now works for a Tribal clinic. He can't believe the crap I am dealing with! The other day he suggested I write a book ... paused & Said: "Nobody would believe it!".
I couldn't begin to drescribe the stuff you all are going thru.
Scariet thing ... we are just a few people who have stumbled across this web site! Remember how we felt before "Grossed"? Just about everyone here has mentioned how grateful & lifesaving it is. What about the others who have no online respite? How do we reach them?
Intervention, Hoarding & all those new "happening" reality show producers are missing out.
I'd l ike to see John Qinotos (spelling ...) "What Would YOU Do" start a series about senior care giving.
PS, Ted .... FInding the strength to deal with this crap is the hardest thing! It's hard enough to continue being a nice, understanding, thoughful, considerate caregiver when your duties are usually unpleasant & you're kicked around by those who should be supporting you.
Okay, some good news. I just met with the 'Family Caregiver Resource Specialist' with the NC Area Agency on Aging. She is Wonderful, Caring, Understanding, Funny. She has found a way to fund a week's worth of Respite care for mom, in the best care facility this area has to offer. When she left, I cried. (still crying)' So it seems I will get a break! Now, I've got to figure out how best to use it. Without turning this into another ordeal. I've got so much going on right now, but i think I should just take that week to stop everything, rest my mind a bit, and begin again with a different perspective. First and foremost, I must begin again with a new commitment and plan of action to deal with being mom's sole caregiver, Forget the siblings, forget the stolen money, how do I set this up so that it is doable, and bearable, on my own, for however long it might last. the idea of placing mom at this point, although I will give it serious thought, is not what i want to do IF I CAN AVOID IT, big IF. So I think I see a bit of light, all this craziness and distraction and Sh** will have to stop. I've been flailing around in all this muck for too long. time to climb up out of it, clean myself off, build back my strength, and take a good hard look around to see the best way forward. Love you guys, Thank you. Tennesee, If it's okay with you, I'm gonna steal a quote from you and sign myself; knee deep in poop-weary-stressed-worried and exhausted, Ted
I know what you mean about parity. I know it is just the money and it is all being split equally to the cent, but the fact is it has been ME cleaning the diarrhea off the walls and pushing him around stores and doing his laundry and getting him his pills and back and forth to appointments etc etc etc as well as my mother taking on the caregiver roll while her sister lives out of state (and aside from that she would help)...You know, I almost don't care when he dies and the shares get shared out, but I hope they know I DID ALL THE WORK UNDER THE MOST ONEROUS OF SETTINGS AND DID NOT GET PAID FOR IT!!!!!
Grandpa did go to ADH today, ramp guy is stuck between ADA rules, city, and the inspector and waiting to come up for air...You know if we had just got family to do it, no code but sturdy, it would be in by now...and would last almost as long...
Thanks ted, we looked at some, decided to go permanent structure....Of all else this one is gonna be permanent. the house could get sucked up in a tornado but the ramp will still be here...
I think a certified letter to the court and the DA in the county where that will was probated stating that you never saw your share and seriously question the executrix execution of the will according to your father's will would be a reasonable thing to do. I would be tempted to send a copy of it certified mail to each sibling too!
One theme that I feel coming through over and over again between the lines is how much power your mother seems to have over you to the point that I get the impression that once the if's are out of the way about her and you are taking care of you the energy to deal with your sister will come. I might be wrong and I'm far from being a therapist, but that's my arm chair, off the hip shots in the dark.
Ted, I think you have found the best solution. Take a week of respite (if I were you, I would close the house and go somewhere completely different from where you are now), sleep well, eat well, recharge your batteries and if this is not enough. take another week of respite in a few weeks! There is always time for drastic decisions. Drastic decisions must be taken when you are not as stressed and tired as you are. I really hope for you that your mother is so well during that week that she is in a nursing home, that she says: "I want to stay here, go home!" (I strongly doubt it, but miracles happen, sometimes!!!) If on the other hand, after the week of respite you understand that you can't really live with your mother anymore, ok, another line of thoughts opens. About siblings: Do you all remember that the first brothers of the history were Cain and Abel? Maybe the rule is that siblings tend to "kill" each other at some level? It this is so, we should not be surprised about what happens to all of us... Not only in the Bible, but also in greek mithology, in Middle Age history, everything is full-full of siblings who fight and kill e.o. for power and money!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
about 9 weeks.
there are a series of books available at b k books . com
they will help you understand the transistion that your mom is facing. 4 @ 3 bucks a piece.
When I knew it was time I took her to her home and she died at peace in her own little bed. We had 2 weeks at home with a live in caregiver and used that time to hang out bedside and watch tv and hug and kiss her and hold her hand.
with retrospect I would have had Hospice there also off and on but they came in at the last minute and made a good difference.
You can do this. It and this site saved my life. I am not kidding.
lovbob
lovbob
You knew that, right? you teasing me? lol
lovbob
Bobbie, i'm just happy that i finally get to meet one of you guys, Maybe we should consider putting together a 'Grossed out Gathering'? Set it up for a few months from now so we can all save our pennies and start putting together whatever respite care we can? In a perfect world we could all go camp out at Rosella's !
Absolutely makes sense which is why my advice is to change the pattern and put your mom in respite.
It doesn't matter whether she wants to go or not. Of course she's not going to want to go but you make it fun somehow and make it happen.
It will save your life and your sanity.
This move will be the hardest but you can do it.
After you implement the plan you follow it and we will help you.
lovbob
Sometimes I wonder if there are supportive families anywhere?
How is it they can survive within their mindsets? Nuturing themselves & their lavish lifestyles ~ leaving their parents & brothers &/or sisters to carry on in dispair.
My father is so ashamed of my brother's behavior. Grateful for me, but I don't think he realizes how tough it is being me.
Neither of us signed up for this!!!
I have a dear friend who is a MD. Retired from private practice, now works for a Tribal clinic. He can't believe the crap I am dealing with! The other day he suggested I write a book ... paused & Said:
"Nobody would believe it!".
I couldn't begin to drescribe the stuff you all are going thru.
Scariet thing ... we are just a few people who have stumbled across this web site! Remember how we felt before "Grossed"?
Just about everyone here has mentioned how grateful & lifesaving it is.
What about the others who have no online respite? How do we reach them?
Intervention, Hoarding & all those new "happening" reality show producers are missing out.
I'd l ike to see John Qinotos (spelling ...) "What Would YOU Do" start a series about senior care giving.
FInding the strength to deal with this crap is the hardest thing! It's hard enough to continue being a nice, understanding, thoughful, considerate caregiver when your duties are usually unpleasant & you're kicked around by those who should be supporting you.
Bobbie? Do you have sibling?
She has found a way to fund a week's worth of Respite care for mom, in the best care facility this area has to offer.
When she left, I cried. (still crying)'
So it seems I will get a break!
Now, I've got to figure out how best to use it. Without turning this into another ordeal.
I've got so much going on right now, but i think I should just take that week to stop everything, rest my mind a bit, and begin again with a different perspective.
First and foremost, I must begin again with a new commitment and plan of action to deal with being mom's sole caregiver,
Forget the siblings, forget the stolen money, how do I set this up so that it is doable, and bearable, on my own, for however long it might last.
the idea of placing mom at this point, although I will give it serious thought, is not what i want to do IF I CAN AVOID IT,
big IF.
So I think I see a bit of light, all this craziness and distraction and Sh** will have to stop. I've been flailing around in all this muck for too long. time to climb up out of it, clean myself off, build back my strength, and take a good hard look around to see the best way forward.
Love you guys, Thank you.
Tennesee, If it's okay with you, I'm gonna steal a quote from you and sign myself;
knee deep in poop-weary-stressed-worried and exhausted, Ted
Grandpa did go to ADH today, ramp guy is stuck between ADA rules, city, and the inspector and waiting to come up for air...You know if we had just got family to do it, no code but sturdy, it would be in by now...and would last almost as long...
I think a certified letter to the court and the DA in the county where that will was probated stating that you never saw your share and seriously question the executrix execution of the will according to your father's will would be a reasonable thing to do. I would be tempted to send a copy of it certified mail to each sibling too!
One theme that I feel coming through over and over again between the lines is how much power your mother seems to have over you to the point that I get the impression that once the if's are out of the way about her and you are taking care of you the energy to deal with your sister will come. I might be wrong and I'm far from being a therapist, but that's my arm chair, off the hip shots in the dark.
About siblings: Do you all remember that the first brothers of the history were Cain and Abel? Maybe the rule is that siblings tend to "kill" each other at some level? It this is so, we should not be surprised about what happens to all of us... Not only in the Bible, but also in greek mithology, in Middle Age history, everything is full-full of siblings who fight and kill e.o. for power and money!